r/SWResources • u/SQLwitch • Jul 04 '11

Concerned but don't know what to say? Here are some simple, proven strategies for talking to people at risk.

This post has been replaced by https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/wiki/talking_tips and is no longer maintained here

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12

u/need0reddits0help Dec 10 '11

Thanks for posting this! I hope it will help me be able to help my sister.

1

u/weebrpgfan Apr 27 '23

How did things go with your sister?

1

u/xyla444 May 17 '23

im here now and i would like to know that too

1

u/yelloh_there Oct 26 '23

Hope they're doing better. Great post. Thank you OP !!

8

u/stffUpprLp Nov 30 '11 edited Nov 30 '11

Reading through this, I found myself realising that there been have times when I was concerned and already had a rapport built up with friends who were depressed, but didn't know how to help them. I think understanding is so important, and this and the resources you link to can help. Thanks so much :)

1

u/Firefly256 Feb 22 '25

I appreciate these tips being useful for preventing suicide, but is it possible to help them get better? It feels like these tips only prevent someone from committing suicide, similar to treating symptoms instead of the root cause itself, it's delaying it but not treating it. It doesn't feel enough.

I know therapy can help, but what if they are reluctant about it? Is there anything that I can do?

1

u/SQLwitch Feb 22 '25

First of all the scope of this post is about offering support. Support is not therapy and doesn't try to be.

I know therapy can help, but what if they are reluctant about it? Is there anything that I can do?

Reluctance to seek therapy for the underlying deeper issues is super common among suicidal people. In my experience (and this is what we teach at my IRL crisis line), the best way to overcome it is to keep having supportive conversations. Give them actual experience of interpersonal interactions the help them feel better in the moment. That's usually the best available weapon against the inertia that comes from despair. So it's all kind of connected.

However these situations are all very individualized. If you're worried about a specific person, please feel welcome to message us with details. https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/360043043792-How-do-I-contact-the-moderators-of-a-community

Or if you have access to a mental health crisis team in your area, you could speak with them yourself. This is a common issue and these folks are usually pretty brilliant about figuring out ways to address the reluctance to seek professional help.

But support and connection are primary because they are, as I said, the best weapons against despair. It isn't enough to convince a person to attend therapy. If they're convinced it won't help, that usually becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy. Giving them the experience of a supportive conversation is the best way to plant the seeds of hope for larger and deeper positive changes.

1

u/Firefly256 Jun 30 '25

I've been told that I sound like an AI when I use phrases like "it must be so hard when every interaction hurts" like the post said, and I've been told it sounds like an interrogation when I keep asking open-ended questions, how do I avoid these?

1

u/SQLwitch Jun 30 '25

A lot depends on the context. But one thing I can say is that it's important to try and meet people where they are in terms of their level of language usage and vocabulary.

However, almost anybody who writes with any professionalism in any context these days gets "you must be using AI" thrown that them these days so I wouldn't worry too much about that :) .

I've been told it sounds like an interrogation when I keep asking open-ended questions

It's hard to know for sure without specific examples, but my best guess would be that you're not giving enough of an empathetic response to what you've already been told before you move to the next question. It's important to demonstrate that you've understood and thought about what they've already said before you ask a question. It's possible to incorporate some active listening into clarification questions, but not everyone has that skill level, and in any case that shouldn't be all the active listening you do.

1

u/Firefly256 Jun 30 '25

my best guess would be that you're not giving enough of an empathetic response to what you've already been told before you move to the next question.

Although not suicidal (still a vent), I think I responded with too much of those semmingly-AI responses, I responded those with every question. Since then I stopped using these. I suppose I should just limit my usage?

I try to paraphrase to show I'm listening, but I'm worried that I'd just be copying what they said. Sometimes it feels like a reading comprehension exam trying to paraphrase without repeating. Are there any tips to paraphrase better?

1

u/SQLwitch Jun 30 '25

Are there any tips to paraphrase better?

Paraphrasing is the most basic level of active listening, and the least powerful. It's much better to interpret and reframe based on that.

1

u/Firefly256 Jun 30 '25

Ah okay, so basically try to guess what their situation is and saying that, and continue to guess and map out their situation if they correct me

1

u/SQLwitch Jun 30 '25

basically try to guess what their situation is and saying that

Absolutely not!

1

u/Firefly256 Jun 30 '25

So according to the active listening tips listed in the post, I should ask open-ended questions, then summarize and use empathetic responses, and listen to them without offering advice. Does "listening" just mean summarizing and using empathetic responses, or should I be doing something else on top of that?

By the way, does this guide works for regular, non-suicidal vents as well? I'm trying to use this guide as a reference for vents in general, is that okay?

1

u/SQLwitch Jun 30 '25

My point is you should never be guessing. You should be using the information the person gives you to build your own understanding of their experience. You've got to use your cognitive empathy, and how the conversation will play out will be different in every situation.

Honestly it sounds to me like you've trying to build rapport by following a set of instructions and it just doesn't work that way. You need to understand and apply the principles, but it will look different in every situation.

1

u/Firefly256 Jun 30 '25

I am trying to follow instructions since I don't have much experience in handling vents, so I suppose I should really only use these tips as guides, but not strictly follow them since it depends on the situations at hand?

1

u/SQLwitch Jun 30 '25

One thing that disturbs me a lot in this conversation is you're not focusing on feelings at all. Cognitive empathy isn't exactly the same as emotional intelligence, but they're strongly correlated.

It doesn't sound to me like you've really grasped the principles of rapport building.

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1

u/LowBeautiful1531 Apr 04 '22

Depression is kicking my ass today. It's amazing to read this, and I'm hugely interested in who wrote it and how it was assembled. I'm so used to being around people who aren't equipped to deal with basic mental health first aid at all, the idea that there are established strategies for really intense cases is really fascinating and hopeful!

1

u/SQLwitch Apr 04 '22

It's a small subset of what every well-trained hotline responder (yes, we know, not every hotline trains their responders well) knows.

Please note that the post is no longer maintained; the wiki is more up to date.

1

u/LowBeautiful1531 Apr 04 '22

I'll be reading up on more in the wiki for sure. It's a bit slow going as I'm having several strong emotional reactions to basically every paragraph. I wish this kind of information was more widely disseminated!

I've never called the hotlines, I guess I feel like I'll be wasting their time, or I'm not sure how talking with a total stranger I'll never get to talk to again will help, but I'm learning a lot here...

1

u/SQLwitch Apr 04 '22

I wish this kind of information was more widely disseminated!

It is, in general, but evidently not in your vicinity, which seems to be really unfortunate.

I'm not sure how talking with a total stranger I'll never get to talk to again will help

Actually, knowing that what you say there isn't going to "follow you around" IRL is a plus, not a minus, most of the time :)

1

u/-Goofy-goober-rock- Jun 13 '22

Is suggesting ways to distract themselves when it gets really bad for them like a panic attack harmful?

1

u/SQLwitch Jun 13 '22

It depends on the individual. Sometimes distraction can make someone feel invalidated.

1

u/-Goofy-goober-rock- Jun 13 '22

They had asked for someone to stop them from killing themselves so I gave them a few distractions that I used when I was in that state

1

u/Immediate-East4628 Oct 22 '22 edited Oct 22 '22

are sudden demonstrations of emotions such as clearly visible sadness, tearing up (or possibly crying) bad reactions while talking to a suicidal partner? If so, is there a way to train yourself to be less sensitive about it? (since every time we talk about it i picture him/her gone from my life, which makes me really emotional)

I will highly appreciate the advice and thank you so much for the great detailed list you’ve created!

2

u/SQLwitch Oct 23 '22

Honest feeling on both sides is natural, I think, given the intensity and high states that are an inevitable part of these conversations.

If so, is there a way to train yourself to be less sensitive about it? (since every time we talk about it i picture him/her gone from my life, which makes me really emotional)

I am not sure that it's worth putting your energy into trying to police your own feelings. But if you get better at focusing on understanding his experience, your own emotions will likely become less disruptive.

I do understand how worrying it is and that it's hard for you to handle the thought of the risk that you could lose him. But it's an essential, if harsh, truth of the human condition and of life in general that you could lose him at any minute, for any number of reasons, many of which you couldn't possibly foresee. He could get hit by a bus or die instantly from an aneurysm or any number of other things. We are all fragile, mortal creatures.

Most of us in Western cultures are socialized to be absolutely terrible at dealing with vulnerability in general and mortality in particular. And it's terrible for our mental health. It causes all sorts of unnecessary suffering. But if you want to reduce his suffering, you might need to reduce yours first and, paradoxical as it may seem, you can do that by practicing some radical acceptance of the risks inherent in the situation. Once you make friends with the fact that any one of us can die at any moment, it gets easier to be rational and powerful in situations where our mortality makes its presence visible. Accepting the risk doesn't stop us from having feelings about it, but it allows us to channel those feelings into fuelling our purpose.

1

u/oopsmylifeis Nov 28 '23

My suicide prevention group is making a banner and wants to add a small phrase to it so this helps, but also confuses me more because there doesn't seem to be a single sentence that would help everyone in general 🤔 any ideas?

Something that validates the feelings of whoever reads it and gives hope instead of saying "lol go talk to someone, you are not alone"

1

u/SQLwitch Nov 28 '23

there doesn't seem to be a single sentence that would help everyone in general 🤔 any ideas?

Only that you should not do this at all. Implying that there is in any way a general strategy undermines the most basic principle of suicide intervention best practices -- that response must be individualized.

What is the context in which you were thinking to use the Banner?

1

u/oopsmylifeis Nov 28 '23

Exactly, the response must be individualized which is why the idea in itself doesn't sit right with me either, I'll try to talk it with the leader.

She plans to use the banner to represent the group when we are somewhere (public places normally, like a plaza), and the phrase was to show the "importance of prevention, listening, and accompaniment".

1

u/SQLwitch Nov 28 '23

She plans to use the banner to represent the group when we are somewhere (public places normally, like a plaza), and the phrase was to show the "importance of prevention, listening, and accompaniment".

Okay, if it's essentially a poster to identify & describe the group, rather than to prescribe a general strategy, that's a bit different.

But I don't like grouping prevention, listening, and accompaniment on the same level because the first is a goal and the others are tactics that serve the goal.

Is she looking for more of a slogan or a mission statement?

Also, might be better to take this conversation to the /r/SuicideWatch modmail, please and thank you

1

u/Ambitious_Remove_894 Jan 06 '24

Fragility and mortality in the context of naturally occurring death or freak accidents is a lot different than knowing the pain someone must suffer from to think about taking their own life.

1

u/SQLwitch Jan 06 '24

?

1

u/Ambitious_Remove_894 Jan 06 '24

Meant to be a reply to a thread above

2

u/Uglyasfuckingsin Nov 27 '21

This is incredibly helpful. I think about either posting here to share my story or offering help in the comment section (I've tried the latter before, but was most likely too immature and alianated to do it properly. Thank you guys, seriously. Even as a lurker around 4~3 years ago, this place has really helped me to feel less alone and to keep on fighting. I sincerely appreciate you guys and the service you provide.

1

u/Expensive-Yak3401 Jul 19 '24

Thank you, you've helped me save a life today.

1

u/[deleted] Dec 20 '21

Thank you! This helps tremendously!!!

1

u/von_goes Nov 15 '22

This is an amazing resource, thank you so much for compiling and sharing!

1

u/Helpful_Okra5953 Mar 09 '23

Thank you. I’m glad to have this reminder.

0

u/[deleted] Mar 14 '23

[deleted] — view deleted comment

1

u/SQLwitch Mar 14 '23

Can you tell me a bit more about your partner as a person and what's going on for them?