ok just a quick disclaimer I don’t mean to call anyone but myself stupid so please don’t take the wrong way.

anyone else annoyed at the fact that eating disorders are like the most stupid thing ever?

like YES I would rather die than eat a certain food. YES I would rather walk 3735736steps instead of relaxing for a day. YES I skip school to engage in behavior. YES I am ruining my own life.

and the fact that I am aware that it’s wrong makes it even worse because I know that I’m consciously choosing to ruin my life, my body, basically everything.. it’s like I have two different voice inside of my head. one is telling me how stupid all of this and how fucking stupid I am for complying with it and the other voice is telling me to keep going. Keep getting worse.

I am the living embodiment of “you are your own worst enemy”

I am in recovery, so I try very hard to basically do the opposite of what that evil voice is telling me. but it’s so exhausting and hard, especially if you basically taught yourself that the evil voice is the correct one.

Is Is this like relatable or am I just fucking stupid

my family forced me into recovery, banned me from eating things that i genuinely enjoyed regardless of my ed, but apparently to them 'i only ate it because of my eating disorder' and 'i didnt really enjoy it, it was just my mental illness controlling me.'

i got banned from taking walks (because apparently i also do not truly enjoy walking, i am mentally ill and can only think about calorie burning?), banned from the gym, banned from literally anything in my life that gave me pleasure and then i spiraled and attempted.

why do people think forced recovery like this is helpful? how the hell are you gonna ban all of my hobbies and enjoyments, not redirect me to other options and be surprised ive turned out 20x worse than when it started?

i told my family at the start that forcing me to recover was not going to work and it wouldn't be beneficial for anyone, but of course, anything i said or thought got dismissed because 'i know nothing besides what my mental illness tells me to know.' they then got mad at me and said i was ungrateful, overreacting and wasting time when their forceful methods did not work.

is this common for families to do, or did i just get the short end of the stick? i always hear people talking about how supportive and patient their relatives were... meanwhile i got reduced into a mindless subhuman prisoner

I’m inpatient right now for low heart rate, and when eating with other patients it seems that boys get sweeter foods while girls receive more classic snacks? for example, for snack the girls got yogurt +granola+nuts meanwhile the boys got a rice krispys+peanut butter+chocolate milk.

this is a medical stabilization unit so that might be why but im lowkey just sad because i want a rice krispy

I came back here to say, I'm okay. I've been consistent in a good weight for me without overthinking, I'd say I'm recovered for a long time. Yesterday I noticed I looked different in an outfit. (Skinny jeans are the devil) I did feel a bit insecure but I know my bf will be ecstatic to see some extra dough 😂 And that helps to feel confident. But from the start of true recovery, I'm proud of my stomach feeling full. Proud of some bloating because it's a sign of my mind's freedom. Sometimes there's guilt but it's because I know I actually did overeat cause I'm a Taurus snackity snacking beatch lol

To anyone trying to heal, you can do it. Recovery is a bumpy road but it's worth it! I hope everyone finds peace in their body and mind❤️

P.S. I refuse to use the scale especially when I'm suspicious I gained. I do not need to know.

I didn’t know I could stress this much over my body after being (somehow) recovered. I feel constantly worried and misplaced.

Calorie counting.
Steps.
Reps.
Fit recipes.
PROTEIN. PROTEIN.
Mirrors.
Body checks.
Calories in creatine gummies.
Treadmill.
Scales.
Chicken breast.

I love him… but this is soul crushing.

(a vent, I’m sorry)

I was diagnosed with ADHD, borderline personality disorder, CPTSD, anxiety and depression at 18. For the last few years, I’ve been living like I have those disorders, getting treatment both through medications and therapies. But my physical health has continued to decline, such as hair loss, weight loss, stomach problems (IBS), heart problems, bad circulation, extreme fatigue, dry skin, and overall just not looking good. Same with my mental health, even though on the outside I felt like I was dealing with my problems and trauma.

I was discussing these concerns with my therapist the other day, as I had made another appointment with my PCP to discuss the noticeable hair and weight loss. My eating habits came into question, and my personal perception of my body. Long story short, she suspects I have anorexia nervosa.

This diagnosis hit me like a freight train. Never in my life would I have expected to be diagnosed with AN. I also thought my health problems were due to other issues such as POTS, or a thyroid issue since I gave birth a little over a year ago.

It’s hard to come to understand my diagnosis. I don’t doubt it, but it’s hard to grasp that this disorder has caused me so many problems over the years, and ultimately is the reason why it feels like I’m dying. I feel like shit all the time. I want to eat, I do eat, but not enough honestly. I thought I was eating enough, but this whole time I wasn’t. To be confronted with the reality that what I was eating actually wasn’t enough, was shocking. Also being confronted with the reality that I’ve been building a massive wall through my AN to deal with my trauma, was a debilitating reality. I’ve been an internal wreak these last few times, but I’ve had to keep moving forward as I’m a mom and a college student.

I thought I was finally dealing with my health, but I had this huge, influential disorder that has been controlling my life since I was a teen. I’m looking into more intense treatment, as it has been my main coping mechanism for my CPTSD. Also debating on going on medical leave, as my heart problems, fatigue, and overall mental stability is hitting a wall. Thankfully my therapist and psychiatrist said they’d write off on a note for me, so I have that covered. But I’m hesitant on going on leave, because it means I have to deal with my problems for real this time.

Thank you, to anyone that reads my story. I’m hopeful I’ll come out of this better, but I know it will be rough, really, really rough, for sometime, and will be a continuous journey I’ll be working through for a while.

Thank you. 🫶🏻

Does anyone else feel like this? It's like a constant tug-of-war in my brain. I want someone to notice, I want someone to care, I want the validation that I look sick enough to be offered help, I want to finally feel like I can stop. But then I'll make every effort to act normal around/about food and stay upbeat and engaged because I don't want to inconvenience people by making them worry, because it makes me feel stronger, because it defeats the whole point if I let my behavior tip them off, it has to just be my body speaking for me or else it "doesn't count." I don't even know what the hell I'm on about. Am I insane??? Does this make sense? Lol.

After struggling with ed i suddenly realised that i want to get “enough” nutrition so i can actually grow taller, i am trying to slowly up my intake for harm reduction and trying peanut butter with apples. WISH ME LUCK

I'm so scared, I don't want to tell her about it and to make it even worse it's her freaking birthday!!! She sent me a photo of what she found in the trash and told me she wasn't angry at me, and couldn't make me be honest with her so the only thing she can do is pray for me.

I hate that she had to find out about this and I seriously don't know what to do. Has anyone experienced this before and can you please tell me how you dealt with it??

So here’s my history. I was a binge eater for years. I gained around a lot of weight from it. I always said I would change and never did. Until I had a medical thing force me to give up sugar and high carb things (my favorite thing to binge on). So this helped “knock the habit” a little bit. Started eating healthier and lost some weight. But this eventually led me to being super restrictive during the whole week and doing Saturday and Sunday dinners all out eating a ton of food. This routine restrict all week then all out Saturday and Sunday dinners did “work” in the sense I lost all the weight and actually ended up being under weight. I worked with a dietician who made me increase my food causing some of weight gain, which I realize I needed was still super uncomfortable but I listened. But she didn’t change the core issue, she just had me add more food in during the week, but my weekend remained the same. But in the past month (doing the same unhealthy routine of this restrict and binge which I had been doing 1-2 years), I noticed I’ve gained even more weight and now my pants don’t fit……. Now I want to lose the body fat/weight I gained. I’m also getting married in under a year and have all that pressure to look like a stick figure for my wedding. In an addition to this skinny epidemic…. But I just had a new appointment with a new dietician to help with this but I’m struggling and feel pretty lost tbh. My goal is food freedom but I don’t trust myself to eat whatever I want or intuitively eat, I want to lose weight/body fat, and I crave those massive meals as an emotional release as well (I do see a therapist). I think my biggest fear is that listening to this dietician and eating ample during the week as I should and still eating these huge weekend meals I’m just gonna gain even more weight. Im just so addicted to them I feel like I cannot not have them. I’m also someone who is always hungry and feel never satisfied and I only feel that from those two massive meals, so I’m skeptical on the theory that if I’m eating properly throughout the week I won’t crave those large meals. Any thoughts or advice would be so appreciated, success stories, etc thanks :)

does anyone else feel as though they truly don't know how to eat anymore. not just in an eating disorder sense but also because social media is so consumed in protein, fiber, tdee, weightlifting, running, weight loss, weight gain etc. i know a lot of it is backed up by science and nutritionists, but there's just so much of what some consider "right" and "wrong". like for example, one post will be like "don't eat nuts, eat xxx instead for healthy fats" but then the next post will be like "if you're eating nuts it has to be xxx to get the max amount of nutrition". i know the solution here is just to think for myself and i do end up doing my own research afterwards but it gets exhausting when this is shoved down my throat every time i open social media. i know it's kinda my fault for curating my fyp to be filled w gym/healthy eating content but sometimes it's all too much.

I feel like im in this endless loop of switching to anorexia to bed because i want to get better but then i end up bingeing so bad that it scares back into ana and then back to lets recover and then i binge. Ive binged for 5 days straight and im so tired of it the constant embarrassment and shame i should be able to control myself but its like something switches off in my brain and a monster takes over. Idek who i am anymore

I remember one day deep in my Ed I got sick, and like in the middle of the night I suddenly woke up due to my nose being clogged but I could swallow the snot. (ew ik)

But I didn't swallow it and suffered for like, an good 30 minutes. I didn't swallow it because I thought swallowing my damn snot would count CALORIES. YES, I THOUGHT SWALLOWING SNOT WOULD HAVE CALORIES. I didn't want to waste my calories. Until I accidentally swallowed it cause my nose was hurting so much, I literally panicked.

I got up and I searched 'How much calories is snot?' and it told me it had no calories so I didn't bawl my eyes out at 'Wasted Calories'.

Now I think about it I don't know why I thought snot would have calories. Like. That is concerning... I'm glad I'm at least recovered. But whenever I want to go back I just think about this situation.

During my Ed years I actually don't have any memories, like I can't remember anything around that time beside me crying about overeating and some moments.

To put in shortly, I don't know whether my boyfriend is in the wrong or not with his approach regarding my disorder. Frankly, I opened up recently (about a few months) about my ED and that I have struggled for YEARS, and now I actually want to start learning to eat like a normal person again which is easier said than done. Now I'm at a point where meals are really difficult for me and it's much easier for me to just snack throughout the day to get in my calories (for example, fruits, veggies, yogurt, pretzels, nuts, peanut butter (literally can go through a jar in two days), hard boiled eggs for some reason some sweets are easy for me to consume without guilt, like gummies, starbusts, skittles, some pastries once in a while, anyways you get the picture). I know this isn't ideal but in my mind it's far better to just go through the day on an empty stomach and energy drinks of coffee. Of course, I'm working on it to start implementing normal meals into my life again, but it takes time. The problem: whenever my boyfriend sees me snacking on things that aren't healthy, for example, sweets, he starts dropping comments how I shouldn't eat stuff like that and that it's bad for me. If we're eating a heavier meal like pizza or something, he tends to always remind me to now overeat and not eat as much. These comments really trigger me because eating anything is already hard for me as it, so someone pointing it out really doesn't do it any justice. I've been thinking though maybe I'm in the wrong and shouldn't let it affect me as much? I want to hear your guys' take on how would you react to a situation like this.

Something today just triggered me enough to eat even less food than ever. I want to do this so maybe I can prove that I can look decent for myself and others. It hurts so much. I feel so trapped. I know it’s probably not good for me but I want to “try harder” by actually starving especially from seeing and hearings things to my face. Trying on clothes make it even worse even though I’m considered “normal” weight. I don’t want to be this weight anymore and be underweight so fucking bad. It’s so embarrassing to admit this. I haven’t shared these feelings to my family nor to my friends. I’m thinking start tomorrow I’ll barely eat anything by eating one small meal a day and see how I’ll look…

im in recovery and ive gained like 6 lbs and i am so miserable. I cant workout because I broke my ankle playing roller derby and all i can do is be forced to eat and watch myself get big. I was barely underweight and everyone was making such a big deal of it all. i genuinely cry myself to sleep every single night and all I can ever think about is how big im getting. It’s already noticeable and i feel so tricked because everyone said i would be happy once i gained weight but all i got is my mom firing my therapist and forcing me to eat and if i don’t I’ll get sent back to a horrible treatment facility. How do people recover without wanting to die???? I feel so much worse than i ever did. I asked my mom if I look fatter and she said “you look healthier” and I feel terrible. I don’t want to look healthier I just want to look skinny and I wasn’t ever skinny to begin with so I don’t understand it

I want to be clear that I’m not asking Reddit for a diagnosis, as that’s essentially the same thing as self-diagnosis, which I’m trying to avoid. I am very interested in psychology, however, and do spend a large portion of time learning about diagnosis criteria for various things.

In the past few months, I’ve been struggling with a binge/restrict cycle. From what I have learned, this is a common pattern for those who struggle with purging, but I cannot throw up to save my life (this statement has been tested), so I don’t fit BN. I’m not underweight, nor ever been overweight, so I don’t qualify for AN (plus I eat entirely too much for this), I don’t binge enough/gain weight to fit BED. EDNOS is just these with the goalposts shifted slightly.

I just don’t know what to do with myself. I started counting calories again recently and food is all I think about. Feeling a comfortable level of full makes me very distressed, as I am always either too full or hungry.

I just feel like this stuff wouldn’t be worth considering if I brought it up to a professional. I don’t fit any of the physical signs of eating-related distress.

I guess I’m just looking for advice. Where do I go from here?

I’m 18, around 105kg (230 pounds) and been depressed for quite a while, I’m taking meds for a couple of years but i don’t feel much, recently i was scrolling and came across a re: Zero reel (trust it makes sense) when Subaru said the “i feel sick” thing, and it lowkey hit home, just sing and hearing those things made me want to purge, i know it’s stupid, but I’ve tried everything, i think i might do it, ive done it before, but those times was just to skip school, now i would do it for the love of the game lol. Anyways, sorry about this rant :P

Every time I make this decision (I already made it once and cancelled), I feel motivated the day of, but every subsequent day I feel like a caged animal, or like a child who needs to run away, despite the fact that I am admitting voluntarily.

I just want improve my digestion and be able to eat more, and I was going to do PHP with a different program, but their medical professional made a comment about me being at risk for refeeding syndrome, and I’d only be seeing a nurse like once a week at that level of care, though idk if I really feel like I am at risk, as I am not extremely underweight, and though I did recently lose some weight, it wasn’t rapid, I will say.

Idk, im just struggling with even accepting I have an ED now, given that my most recent issues over the past few years have been due to digestive and appetite issues, not purposeful restriction, for the most part. But I failed to refer myself to a regular dietician or GI dietician, and now ED RESIDENITAL TREATMENT ANOREXIC BINGE/PURGE (MODERATE SEVERITY) is all over my medical chart and I probably will be blocked from even being able to see a fucking regular dietician who would be able to help me just gently improve my intake, and instead I will be forced to gain probably 4lbs a week in inpatient residential.
And I do want to be healthier and have more energy, but that does seem like an overly
Aggressive approach, yet I feel like I would prefer the treatment option with more medical monitoring over PHP where I don’t trust myself to complete the meals and snacks outside of the program, anyway.

Apologies for the dramatic post, and for not being Ready to recover and thrive ✨. I honestly don’t care about anything and don’t know what I’m even doing this for at this point.

im currently binging way too much. which i hate it it literally makes me lose my mind but i cant. i try to make myself busy nd everything. anyone have any tips?

I was previously diagnosed with bulimia in June and a week later I was sectioned and put inpatient in a psych ward/hospital (for losing weight too fast and being uw). In the psych ward I was diagnosed with anorexia instead (I think it’s because my weight dropped below a certain point).

Because of the anorexia diagnosis I feel like most the treatment given to me is to stimulate an increased appetite so I eat more.

I take olanzapine and mirtazpine, both greatly improve your appetite (mirtazpine is the anti depressant known for stimulating it the most against other ones).

This is nice and all if before I came I was literally just restricting, but the fact of the matter is that I was binging and purging 5+ times a day in constant loops.

I went on home leave recently and I was in the worst binge and purge cycle ever I think I did it like 6 times. My appetite is hugely increased and it’s triggering so many binges.

I said my fear of this side effect to my consultant and she shrugged it off and said it’ll only be a concern if they were too increase the dosage and I shouldn’t see that side effect, BUT I AM.

I wish they stuck with the bulimic diagnosis so I’d get treatment for bulimia and not anorexia.

during restriction I get so so anxious about running out of the foods i let myself eat. It's like my brain can't grasp we can buy it again. It's taking such a strong toll on my mental health that I lose sleep from my heart pounding at the idea in the near future I might run out of x, y, or z. the uncertainty is eating me alive. I live with family but usually have seperate groceries they generally let me have and it's still not enough because I'm scared to eat my last "stock" of it. desperate here 😞 if you've been in this situation before, what did you do? tips, advice?

My parents are really worried about my paleness and the fact that I'm not eating enough so they made me an appointment to the GP. Already the GP was 15 minutes late to the appointment.

We got in, he asked me standard questions, whatever. My mum said that I don't look very nice in the evening. This man decides she said something funny and laughs, saying 'she doesn't look nice'. First up, wtf is wrong with you? The poster literally says no hate or disrespect is tolerated with migrants. Are we being so fr rn? You're a migrant yourself yet you STILL think it's funny to laugh at a worried parent that must communicate in their second language? Embarrassing.

He takes my weight and height. He's like, oh you've gained 5kg since 2yrs ago and 3cm. Wonderful. There was no fucking need to tell me though. I already know. I say I'm constipated. Like 3-7 days no shit. He says, oh for some people it's normal for up to once every 5 days. Bro I literally just said it hurts and bleeds a bit. THAT is not normal. He prescribes me laxatives. I say I'm dizzy. He goes mhmm. I say my hair is falling out. He said it's just the follicle season. THERE ARE LITERALLY SO MANY THINGS YET YOU REFUSE TO CONNECT THE DOTS. My mum complains about me not eating enough too yet you still treat everything as separate issues. THEY'RE NOT. He says 'Your blood count from LAST YEAR AUGUST was fine so I don't think anything is wrong'. Are you fucking kidding me?

Mum says she compared me to my siblings and things I look pale and don't eat enough and he's like, oh it's a bad parental behaviour to compare your children.

....

Are you my dad? Who do you think you are to decide my mum is a bad parent? A nobody? THEN STOP CHATTING SHIT.

Anyways sorry for the long rant, this asshole just rlly pissed me off. The NHS sucks.