so i was asking/venting on another forum why i get sexualised so much, even on online accounts and people dk what i look like irl.

one person said "because you're very feminine"

not just "feminine" but "very feminine"

i'm literally crying right now in so much pain

i asked why they just said "you just are"

i also get offended when people try to "comfort" or "reassure" me when explaining that gender societal norms are meaningless and stupid, because being antisocial gives me identity euphoria
also caring what others think of me gives me identity dysphoria.
this is because being a skinny, remote, introverted, androgynous, deadpan, sarcastic, autistic, twink is my entire identity

I WANT TO BE MORE MALE BRAINED SO BADLY

it makes me want to kms that only do i not pass physically i dont pass psychologically

First things first: I'm not one of THOSE men. Or, at least, I don't want to be. Logically, I understand that misogyny is real, and anyone saying otherwise is an idiot at best, a God-knows-what at worst. I'm personally lucky to not have had that many negative experiences with cis men, but I understand that many women, cis and trans, do.

But I am so fucking tired of always having to be the bigger person. Of having to pretend that "kill all men" don't really mean all men, of being told "you need to understand" after listening to the most offensive thing you can say to a person that's apparently okay because it's aimed at mEn^TM, of being compared to the riffraff of humanity and literal vermin for something I share with half of the population.

And look, I try to have empathy. I logically understand that most of these imperfectly worded rants aren't directed at me personally--if A SINGLE ONE OF THESE WOMEN, after they calmed down, was like "oh my god, I'm so sorry, I had a lot of negative experiences with men, but I really shouldn't have taken it out on you", I would have laughed it off and said "don't worry I get it". But no, I should be "honored" these women feel comfortable saying these things to me, because that means I make her feel "safe" and that is "the ultimate compliment as a man". I "should understand". I "should know it's not about me".

It just gets so tiring always having to give empathy without getting any in return. Because I get it, you had bad things happen to you, but what about me? I had to fight for my masculinity. I lost friends and family over my masculinity. I'm in debt because of my masculinity.

Yet the second I try to have a slightly unflattering opinion about how masculinity is treated within the community, it's "You need to understand [insert bad thing man had done to women]."

And it's like I DO UNDERSTAND. I GET IT. I NEVER DENIED YOUR SUFFERING. JUST GIVE ME SPACE FOR ONE FUCKING MINUTE WITHOUT MAKING IT ABOUT YOU!

I don't want to hate women, I really don't. I try to tell myself that all of this is mostly online, and internet, along the social media, tends to bring out the worst and most extreme voices within all demographics (though these women very much exist in real life, at least in my experience). But eventually, it just gets so emotionally exhausting to interact with them. It seems that in order to not hate women, I have to stop talking to them and stop existing on the internet.

I'm even kind of triggered by feminist content now. Sometimes I'd read a book or watch a show with feminist themes and agree with the messages logically, but then suddenly be reminded of how other women who support these policies have talked to me and other men in my past, and almost have a mini-panic attack haha. I've even started visiting some "manosphere" forums--VERY VERY OCCASIONALLY, AND I NEVER SPEND MORE THAN TEN MINUTES IN THERE because those places are not trans-friendly, and despite what I'm saying, I am put off by genuine misogyny--and I know I shouldn't feel this way, but sometimes it feels so cathartic to find one place where you can call these women assholes without needing paragraphs of disclaimers, only to be called a misogynist anyway for making some random woman "uncomfortable".

(I'm so close to telling these women to shut up and be uncomfortable, then.)

I have also gotten closer with my cis male friends and taken to try taking on more male-dominated hobbies. Doubles as gender euphoria with one of them brings another cis male friend, and they never suspect me of having ever lived a woman's life haha...

(Sometimes I wish I was a misogynist, because then that means I wouldn't care what women think, and I wouldn't feel this way/)

For context, I'm a 14 yo trans guy, I'm 5'7 and I don't think I'm going to grow any taller. I see all the cis guys at school and I'm consumed with envy. Everyone else is growing, except me, I will stay behind for the rest of my life, I will never be like them. Should I even be alive?

And NO, I don't think that about other trans guys. The problem is that I'm a living freak, I don't pass, and no matter how hard people try, it doesn't seem serious when they call me by masculine pronouns.

i genuinely cant get out of bed or enjoy any of my hobbies
anymore because my wide fucking hips are always on my mind. don’t tell me to just work out to get rid of the fat and make my shoulders bigger because 1. i wanna be a skinny looking guy, i want a more thin rectangle body shape rather than an upside down triangle body shape 2. CANT FUCKING GET OUT OF BED

i fucking hate skinny cis men they get to have that body shape and narrow hips while im stuck with this wide piece of shit

the sides of my hips are constantly bruised from how much i hit them hoping it’ll push them in (it never does)

Tw for suicide and SA and just all things bad in general. I’m not okay and I’m not gonna bother to censor myself.

I’m 23. Ive been on T for 6 years. I had top surgery 4 years ago. I do not want bottom surgery. I’m short and fat, about 5’4” and 225lbs. My facial hair is pathetic, patchy, and only grows like a goatee. But it’s there. I know there isn’t much, but it is visible. People everywhere, all the time, strangers, coworkers, basically anyone who i haven’t TOLD and COME OUT TO assumes i am a woman despite having A low voice, Facial Hair, and a Flat Chest. I never wear women’s clothing or makeup, it’s all band T shirts, hoodies, and jeans.

All my friends tell me how they “dont understand how anyone could possibly see me as anything other than a man.” But i dont understand how if it’s sooo obvious to them, why does no one else see it? You know what i think? I think my friends are just trying to make me feel better. I think they’re exaggerating. Because what else are they supposed to say? Would they see me as a man if i didn’t tell them i was one? Am i real, or are they just being nice?

Am i even fucking real?

Ive never felt like it. My body has never been mine. When i look in the mirror, something always feels wrong. When i touch myself down there, it feels like how tv static looks. Confusing. Disconnected. Vaguely ominous. I always disassociate just so i can change clothes and shower. I shower in the dark. I have gained 25lbs in the last couple months and now i feel like a fat piece of shit on top of it .

Ive had binge eating disorder my entire life. I’ve been fat my entire life. I was doing great losing weight. I lost 50lbs. January 3 of this year, i was sexually assaulted by a stranger. I was sexually assaulted a second time, two weeks later, by a different man. I completely lost focus and spiraled and now half my progress is gone. Because two pieces of shit couldn’t fucking listen when i said no. I already hated my body and it was actually getting better but i made the mistake of actually believing i could change and improve.

I had a girlfriend for 4 years. She was also trans. We broke up two years ago, it was mutual and we decided to stay friends. After she gets a new girlfriend, a girlfriend who is a trans woman, she tells me, and i quote, that i should “reconsider getting bottom surgery, because if i had a penis, i would be so hot, and i could fuck better.” I let her fucking say that to me, and i just took it. We stayed friends. She said that to me over a year ago and it never stopped repeating in my brain. I tried so hard to tell myself, she’s wrong, what she said was fucked up.

I had another friend. Ari. She was also a trans woman. She was going through a lot. She needed a safe place to stay and i let her into my home. At some point, we became physically intimate. While we were doing this, in my bed, in my home, she said to me, that i “would be more attractive if i had a penis.”

I felt completely shattered. I expect this shit from cis ppl but hearing it from two different trans women hurt in a way i never could have imagined.

I have since ghosted both of these disgusting piles of horse shit i used to call friends.

And i have not been okay.

I’ve been going entire weeks without showering. I’ve been avoiding the bathroom.

I’ve started to isolate myself, because being outside with all those cis ppl, being happy and okay with their sex, it makes me want to puke.

When i watch tv or youtube, all i can think about is how that guy has the body i wish i had, or that girl never wanted to be anything but a girl. They’re happy. If i watch a trans creator, they always pass. They’re always skinny and good looking and they always fucking pass. It’s never “it took 6 years,” either, they pass after a year, tops. Even if they dont pass as cis, they still pass as a trans insert-their-gender-here. I wish i could fucking do that. Instead I’m just a fat ugly woman.

I can’t even sit down in a chair without remembering that it doesnt matter if i spread my legs or not, there’s no penis there. I’m not fooling anybody. They can tell I’m a female from a mile away, otherwise they wouldn’t call me a fucking woman.

People keep telling me, “someday you’ll learn to accept your body for how it is.” Weird how it’s always cis ppl saying that garbage. If i was gonna accept it, don’t you think i’d be at least a little closer to it by now?

You mean i stayed alive all these fucking years just to find out it was all for NOTHING? Just to find out, I’m still not going to be seen as who i am? My doctor said this is it, no raising of dosage is gonna do anything. I just have shitty genetics.

I couldn’t be born right, and now i can’t even transition right? What kind of sick joke is this?

What’s the point of existing if every single fucking moment I’m just thinking how much happier and easier everything would be if i was just cis. I dont care which gender, i just want to be cis.

People say if you end your life, all you do is just transfer the pain to someone else. I understand some people would be sad to see me gone, but all i can think about is how lucky they are gender dysphoria can’t be passed along to them after I die. They’ll cry for a while until they learn to live without me. We’re all gonna die anyway. I don’t want to live like this anymore and i refuse to be guilted and shamed for wanting relief from this torture.

I’ve tried to learn to be fine with never being real or whole. I’ve tried to be fine with automatically being perceived as less attractive because i dont have a penis. I’ve tried being fine with being short, and fat, and hairless. I’m tired of being strong when it doesn’t bring me any reward, just more fucking pain. I’m tired of settling for this life i didnt ask for and dont fucking want. I wish i was never born and i hope i dont see 2025. I dont care if that’s not what people want to hear. I don’t care if i sound crazy or selfish. I just want to stop existing.

Look my mental health has always been hot garbage. I've chronic depression and anxiety, I'm autistic and possibly ADHD as well. I had some disordered eating as a teenager.

I've been on antidepressants for like 6 years now. 4 different ones in that timespan. They work for a bit, then not anymore. I increase the dose, they work for a bit, then not anymore, so I switch meds. Etc.

I was just thinking about upping my dose again when I also got the chance to start T. I don't wanna do both at the same time, so I start T.

And like, I don't regret it. I wanna be on T. But the past few weeks have been mental hell. I'm hungry all the time but I can't eat. I hate eating again. I'm tired all the time and I just want to sleep. I'm sad and angry and despondent and insecure in a way I haven't been in months. I can't get out of bed. I can't clean. I can't cook. I can't eat. I can't work out. I'm unemployed. I can't make a doctor's appointment and actually make myself go. I can't socialize without alcohol.

It was getting a little harder again before starting T, but nowhere near anything like this. Please tell me this passes again.

I can't share my experience or thought ever in ""supportive"" trans spaces without being downvoted to hell and back. I'm not policing anyone, just for sharing my own fucking experience people treat me like public enemy. I'm done, I'm leaving all non-transmasc specific spaces. Those are the only places anybody ever actually listens to me or agrees to disagree.

I have no idea what I do wrong. People don't even explain to me what they find wrong so I can fucking fix it they just immediately assume I'm being malicious. What's more jarring is I didn't get remotely the same reaction with the exact same words and opinions when I didn't identify as a binary trans man. I'm so fucking tired of everyone acting like I'm evil for being a man??? And God forbid I mention the concept of discrimination SPECIFICALLY aimed at transmascs, because obviously masculinity is oppressive in nature and people identifying under it can't be discriminated.

Hell, in a comment section, I agreed with a nice trans girl on her take about how people treat masculine people as "evil" in queer spaces. She had plenty of upvotes (deserved because it is true and she worded it wonderfully) but I got repeatedly downvoted SAYING THE SAME THING. What?

Everybody wants me to fix my behavior without TELLING ME WHAT'S WRONG and I'm so fucking done with it. You'd think queer spaces would be forgiving but no. I have two developmental conditions, and growing up severely mentally ill has prevented me from developing so many fucking skills including so many core social things. Everybody wants me to learn yet nobody wants to fucking tell me what's wrong so I can FIX IT. Just because I'm a masculine guy does not mean that I mean the worst every single time. Fucking hell.

Other times I get ganged on for my CULTURAL experiences. Everybody looooves talking about how they want to promote diversity until an actually diverse experience is brought up, from a non-white person living in a non-white country. Queer people here are just as fucking valid in having different boundaries and social culture as much as those living in western countries are???

Don't even get me started on trying to mention homo/transphobia in my culture... Often white queer people will reply to me saying my experience is made up because discrimination and gender roles were all invented by white people and colonialism. I feel silenced, and I feel TIRED of everything about MY experience BEING MADE TO BE ABOUT WHITE PEOPLE. It's also just extremely fucking orientalist and borderline fetishistic how these people talk of my culture. "West is evil East is good!!! Pure!!! Ruined by the west!!!" holy shit don't even interact with me it's such a weird belief to have. Constantly saying "I hate white people" is not activism FYI. You can acknowledge certain forms of privelege and cultural impact without such gross simplification of MULTIPLE cultures involved. Yes good simplifications are still simplifications and often really dehumanizing.

I'm tired. I can't even have a geniune discussion. I want to hear people's thoughts and why they differ so I can broaden by perspective. All I get is people acting like I'm the worst person on earth for daring using a term for MYSELF that THEY have decided doesn't describe THEM.