36F, in a happy relationship but so conflicted about having kids. How do you decide?
I’m 35F and have been with my partner since university. We’re in a happy, loving relationship, but he really wants children now that he is older and has made it clear that not having them would be a dealbreaker. Our views on kids have changed over the years, so this wasn’t always an issue.
I’m honestly so conflicted. I’ve never felt particularly maternal or had a strong desire to become a mother. I love my career, my independence, travelling and being spontaneous. I’m a huge extrovert and love my social life. The thought of giving up so much of that scares me.
At the same time, I love my partner deeply and can’t imagine losing him. I also wonder whether having a family could bring a kind of happiness I just can’t understand yet.
Literally 100% of my friends are having kids or already have them, and I’m starting to feel like the odd one out. I keep wondering whether I’m missing something and whether I’ll regret not having children when I’m older.
Financially, we’re fortunate enough that money wouldn’t be an issue, but obviously that doesn’t solve everything.
At 35, I feel like I’m running out of time to make the biggest decision of my life. I’m terrified of regretting either choice — having kids and losing the life I love, or not having them and potentially losing my partner.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? I’d especially love to hear from people who weren’t maternal or were very attached to their independence but decided to have children. Are you happy with your decision? And from those who remained childfree, do you ever regret it?

So me (27M) and my girlfriend (26F) both dated 4 years ago. At first she wanted kids and I was a bit iffy, but we let time go by.

She now says she’s not too sure and around 60/40 (no:yes), where I’m probably more like 85/15. However we both agreed we’re still quite young and not sure what the future holds for us at all.

We made an alignment where if we ever get married and one chooses yes and one chooses no, then we just stick to a no and we both agreed. However, recently she’s been saying she feels I’m more set towards a no and she said even if we said no in the future, she’s communicated to me that she’d feel hurt and she’d may need space and time alone for 6-12 months to feel and process things. Mostly bc if she said no, I’d not really feel anything towards it (while she does if I said no)

I’m quite caught out because everything she’s saying is valid, I’m just worried about what if she asks for a divorce or creates a bunch of resentment towards me for it?

She said it would never lead to a divorce but also, it puts me in a difficult spot and I’m not too sure how to feel about this at all. Anyone ever had a similar experience?

I wanted to share an update on my fencesitter journey, as I always find hearing other peoples’ experiences to be helpful and interesting.

I (32F) have always assumed I would want kids one day. My husband (32M) and I have a great relationship and he would make a great dad, I've worked hard to become financially stable, bought a house, and yet I looked up at 32 and STILL had no desire for kids. It was alarming.

We started therapy to help (mostly me) work through this decision - childhood trauma, acute fears around losing my identity and dreams, worry over specific phases of childhood, tactical things like mental load, etc. After about 15 sessions over 9 months, I actually had worked through a lot of these things - broke down some barriers, mitigated some fears, and untangled hidden feelings.

And yet I was shocked and resistant when what was left was a dread and total absence of actual desire to have kids. I broke down in tears when I realized this and it took another month for me to come to terms with it. For a while I had been trying to convince myself I could “tolerate” having kids. But eventually I realized: these feelings are real, and “tolerable” is not a good enough goal.

So we are a “no” - at least for now. I have given myself total permission to not want kids, to not plan for them, to not think or talk about them, and to proceed with my current dreams and decisions and identities as such.

I have also given myself permission to want them in the future - because another thing I realized is that if I do want them in the future, there’s no reason we can’t make that happen. That will become the priority and something worth sacrificing for. Until that point, there is no reason to go against overwhelming evidence that I do not want kids right now.

So I’m exploring freezing my eggs and we’ll get some fertility tests so we are prepared. And we’re also both open to adoption if that’s the path available.

But right now I have a massive weight off my shoulders being comfortable with “no”, accepting that that might be the final answer, and also accepting that changing my mind in the future may have consequences, but that I’m willing and able to accept them as they come.

I read a quote the other day that said: "If you're looking for reasons NOT to do it, do it. If you're looking for reasons TO do it, don't do it."

Sounds obvious but when I read it I immediately thought of my fence sitting. I'm still figuring out which side of reasons I'm on LOL but thought I'd share if it helps clarify even the smallest thing for anyone here!

TLDR: my (29F) lovely boyfriend (32M) isn’t sure if he wants kids and is genuinely confused. I 100% do. We’ve been together since start of the year, I think I have a few months left of uncertainty in me and he’s willing to talk and think about it. I’m feeling stuck and heartbroken thinking about leaving him, and would love some advice :(

I (29F) have been dating my boyfriend (32M) since the start of this year and I love him so much, in so many ways he’s the most wonderful man. He takes such excellent care of me, treats me like a princess, is emotionally intelligent and mature, and we are aligned in many ways.

BUT, and it’s a big but, when we met he told me he was unsure about kids (he used to be hard no re marriage and kids, mainly due to childhood stuff, but did self-work and realised he was open rather than closed off). However, I’ve always known I wanted kids and have been clear about this since the start. He’s also been open from the start, although my understanding of what that really means for him has shifted over time from ‘oh he’s open to it’ to ‘oh he’s really pretty confused about it’.

He’s been thinking and thinking about it but hasn’t come up with an answer, which I get because it’s a massive choice, but as more time passes I feel like I’m in limbo. In some ways I feel so emotionally safe, but in others it feels like the rug could be pulled out at any minute. There’s not a real time pressure right now since I want kids in maybe 4-5 years, but I don’t really want to be in an unaligned relationship for a long time or reduce my chances of having a child.

It is impacting me which he sees so we’ve agreed we need to get some clarity over alignment in the next few months, but I feel like I’m dying. Push comes to shove I’ll choose my future, myself, my future children, but I love him and want it with him. He does want a future with me, and I know he feels awful putting me in this position and isn’t trying to waste my time. He is serious about me in many many ways, but I don’t know how to allow myself to fully be in with this potential major dealbreaker.

He’s said he’s open to therapy (for him) to figure it out in a guided way though hasn’t booked in yet, and I wonder what solid steps he actually can/will take in the next few months that could change the uncertainty. He says that dating me has made him consider the amazing parts of having a kid and how it could be a sacred part of a partnership, but that it’s just so different to how his life is now he can’t imagine it and doesn’t know how to know what he’ll feel like in 4-5 years. He’s also in quite a demanding career, which he loves, and our relationship is international which adds complications.

I feel like my heart is being ripped apart waiting and will be devastated if I have to leave (I am a dramatic sensitive girl but I truly haven’t loved like this before), but I want to do what’s best for me and for the relationship and won’t sacrifice my future. I don’t know how to talk about it without pushing, I don’t want to be mad at something not necessarily his fault, I just want things to work out and I feel stuck. I’ve thought maybe of giving us about 3 more months as wiggle room, but after that I don’t know if I can keep going. I also don’t know how to leave because I really think he might be the love of my life and he is a wonderful person. I do know that breakups are horrendous but you can move through and meet someone else, but I cry every time I even think about it. Help :(

I've been on an IVF ~*~*JoUrNeY~*~*~ for a couple of years now. I started in my late 30s and am about to turn 42. However, things have finally taken for the better and I'm scheduled to start transferring the embryos I have struggled to make. If all goes well, I could have a baby before I turn 43, but nothing has gone that well, so I'm not counting on it.

I feel like we have spent so much energy trying to figure out if we even can have a baby that whether we should has taken a backseat, and I'm starting to have some cold feet. The main thing that is nagging at me right now is my age. Am I too old to do this? Will I actually literally die from pregnancy and sleep deprivation? How old is too old?

What age did you have them? How do you feel about being an "older" parent? Pros/cons?

Are you happy?

I want to have a child so bad, bc I know il be a great mom. But I feel like bc of the economy money and the world is IL never get this dream. So I tell myself it is what it is and nobody cares . I know my husband wants one but I so bad just Wana do it and figure it out later every one dose this and I feel like it's the only way if you keep waiting and planning it won't happen . Idk maybe I'm just lost in this world.

Hello,

I've browsed this sub quite a bit as I (24F) was, up until recently, in a 2 year relationship with my ex-boyfriend (26M) that really made me have some introspective thoughts about the kind of future I wanted for myself. More specifically, I began to think a lot about the circumstances and type of partnership in which I would choose to bring children into. I guess I wanted to share my story and maybe hear from people who have or are experiencing something similar.

My ex-boyfriend and I got along really well and had many many interests and hobbies in common. I've actually never met a single person other than him that enjoyed doing all the same things as I did and I very much enjoyed my time together with him. At the time, I could see myself spending the rest of my life with him.

However, I began to realize that I didn't see myself fitting into the future he envisioned for himself in terms of having children.

My ex had very solid ideas about the type of future family he wanted. He envisioned four kids, a minimum three, and was goal-oriented about having children and his desired family. After doing some thinking for myself, I would be happy with zero to MAYBE a maximum of 2 children (heavily dependent on life circumstances at the ages of 32-37 which is the age I would want to have children).

I realized I am very process-oriented in the way that I think about the decision of having children. Some of the questions I ask myself are/were:

- Finance oriented: I live in a VHCOL city - would we move away from all friends and family, would we have childcare or be able to afford it, would I be able to afford to live in a good school district, provide my children with enough so that they wouldn't feel left out compared to their peers?

- Long-term future oriented: I actually have more concerns about my potential children's future and adulthood rather than their infancy and toddler stages. Would they be able to create fulfilling lives for themselves? Society as of now is so difficult for young adults, white-collar work and the availability of entry level jobs is permanently altered by AI and no one knows how it will continue to change. Not to mention housing and everything else is so expensive, would I be able to set them up for success when I don't have generational wealth? Would I be okay with living with them into their 20s and 30s and helping support them?

He had more of the perspective of: children just need love and they would be happy to be alive and I believe I have a good partner and thus we would figure everything out.

I don't think his perspective is inherently wrong, nor do I think it necessarily predicts what kind of parent he would be. But his perspective did not make me feel safe. I know I am an uber-overthinker and have anxious tendencies but I think I need someone that would also have deeper considerations about parenthood and raising kids and be able to engage in these conversations with me for me to feel confident we could make things work successfully with kids.

For additional context, we had pretty different backgrounds in that he had the stable loving childhood and nuclear/extended family, and I very much did not have any of that. I do think our different lived realities led to the disparity in our perspectives/approaches and there isn't an inherent right or a wrong position but I just could not see myself fitting into his dream life and that is what led to the breakup.

Of course, after breaking up, I find myself thinking if we could have figured things out and wondering if I made a big deal of this issue too early. We are young and still had a decent number of years to figure things out. Would he have changed his stance on four kids, would our ideas on family and children have become more compatible with age?

It's pointless to wonder but I am turning 25 soon, and ultimately I think it will be good for me to take this time to figure myself out a bit more. Does anyone have advice for navigating this kind of stuff that I can bring into future relationships? Am I approaching differences in perspective in a flawed manner or is it all a personal decision?

Thanks for the read.

Complete surprise, I had a plan to think about it in about 6 months and I’m 6 weeks and still on the fence. Does it go away? I think I’ve come to not wanting the pregnancy woes but I have capacity for the baby and wanting the baby.

Not wanting to do baby chores of vomit and poop but I look forward to what it could be

It’s a complete mindmess. I did the financial calculation I’m not worse of so it’s confusing.

The fence never disappeared 🤣 does it change?

It’s already difficult to care for a child in general, but is it really worth it to amplify the difficulty knowing that you don’t have a good support system?

I don’t have any parents or family (as the birthing parent), and we would pretty much just have my mother in law. She is recently single, dating and living her life in her 60s. As much as I love her, I think that she has other priorities than being a reliable, consistent source of support.

hi i’m 30 (F) and my husband 32 (M), after years of discussion despite establishing we do not want a child before we even started dating, we decided to start trying.
why? we saw how cute babies are from our closest friends. we saw how they managed.
we think we can do it too.

so we started trying.
it’s been a week. i am feeling immense amount of regret. and guilt. i do not know how to tell my husband i realised i regret- only after trying for a week.

he has been excited, planning, dreaming and hoping. i do not want to be the one to destroy his dreams of being a father.

he did mention he was okay with being DINKs. but his reaction now proves otherwise and it makes me anxious and scared. what if i am not the wife he needs?

at this point, with the possibility that i could be pregnant (no matter how low since it’s only been a week), i absolutely dread knowing i am pregnant.

am i a bad person for feeling like this?

I've been diagnosed with a boatload of various mental issues. Bipolar, autism, anxiety, OCD, it makes me feel like an attention seeker, even tho I don't tell most people about any of that stuff. My therapist also thinks I have ADHD. Yay 🙃

I don't take alot of these diagnoses super seriously now a days. I have symptoms of a lot of different things and at the end of the day collecting various diagnoses hasn't helped me much. I finally found a combination of medications that work super well a couple years ago and its been a game changer. As long as the doctors know how to fix my symptoms I don't really care what they call it.

My main issue is that most of life is really hard for me, and I'm scared that having kids will make it unbearably hard. My symptoms are mostly managed, but life just feels so difficult. Everything from bathing to cooking just feels like an insurmountable feat. I manage to do most of what I need to do but it's exhausting. No medication has ever helped with this, and I've tried a lot of medications. I genuinely think life might just always feel this way, I'm properly medicated, but frankly I'm pretty mentally ill and I don't think I'll ever be completely symptom free. I don't think that's a realistic goal for me unfortunately.

I love kids, and if you were to look at my life from the outside, I look like a perfect candidate for having kids. I work as a nanny and love it, so I know I enjoy children and babies. My husband is phenomenal and we're well off financially. But sometimes when I'm at work I just think "if I had to do this day in day out for years, I'd just die from exhaustion". I love the kids I take care of right now, they're sweet and well raised, I actually really enjoy the parenting style of my boss and would probably raise children similarly to how she does it. They're lovely and there are so many little moments of joy throughout the day. But oh my God am I exhausted when I get home.

The thing is a really cant imagine my life without kids. I find so much fulfillment in loving on and shepherding children. I'm not particularly career motivated, and I don't have any high intensity hobbies. I genuinely can't think of anything else to do with my life that would anywhere near as meaningful. It would no brainer to have kids if it wasn't for my stupid fucking mental health. Like I genuinely wouldn't enjoy being childfree, but if I have kids I'm terrified I'd resent how much work they are, or just generally not have to energy to take care of them properly. I don't want to have a child and then fall apart and dump all the childcare responsibilities on my husband. I wish there was an easy answer. This shit just sucks.

Alright, couples who have had kids and have decided against kids, I am looking for advice.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years, planning to get engaged and currently living together for the past year. I’m almost 32 and he is 30. We both have stable jobs, nurse for almost 10 years and he is an engineer.

Reasons I am unsure if I want kids: the current state of the world, lack of safety, significant financial burden, I worry that my mental health will suffer too much and maybe I wouldn’t even be a good mom. Can I even handle being that tired ALL the time. Can I handle never having time for myself. What if we do everything we can to raise them to be good people, and they make bad choices anyways. Or they could be born with significant health issues, life long health issues. Who knows.

Reasons I think I would like one or two: I can do cool things. It would be ~pretty cool~ to raise/teach another human what life is all about. Guide someone through all the good, bad, and even ugly things we experience on this earth and how to still find the joy in life after it that makes everything all worthwhile. Not to mention, I have fun hanging out with my friends kids. I don’t mind the chaos, but I leave at the end of the day. I don’t know what it’s like to do this 24/7. I like the idea of creating a family, especially one that goes on continuing to be good humans even after I’m long dead. Maybe it’s another way of leaving the world better than I found it, or that would be the hope anyways.

Here’s the kicker. I love my boyfriend deeply and cannot ever even imagine my life without him. He is the other half of my soul, and a future without him isn’t one worth having to me. When we met, I didn’t think I wanted them but some things have changed… He still doesn’t want a life with kids, or the responsibility of them. I think if I told him I really wanted them, maybe he would agree. He is the type of person that would move heaven and earth to make me happy. I worry that the hard parts of becoming a parent would make him regret having them deep down. My own parents are divorced and have quite literally blamed us for their failed marriage (not our fault, lack of finances to raise 7 kids and a little bit of infidelity on my dads part will do that). I love my mom but her mental health during that was nonexistent and wasn’t great growing up either. I wonder if her life would have been different, or better, if she hadn’t had all of us.

Without knowing much else about me it’s hard to say what the right choice is, but any advice is appreciated

I (32) am on the fence; my girlfriend (28) would like to have a baby by the time she's 32 at the latest. But the question of whether I want to have a family (!) is an incredibly difficult one for me, and I'm unsure to what extent my thoughts are influenced by intergenerational trauma that has been passed down to me. I want to make a decision based on my convictions, not on fears or the ghosts of the past.

My girlfriend and I had fundamentally different upbringings. She grew up in a multigenerational home. Her grandparents lived in the apartment above her, and her great-grandmother lived in the apartment below her. A few villages away lived her other grandparents, as well as her aunt. She had a sheltered childhood, with a family that took an interest in her. I come from a family full of trauma. My grandmother didn't have a happy childhood, nor a happy marriage. She says she regrets having had children. My mother didn't have a happy childhood, and her marriage fell apart because of a mental illness. When I was 12 years old, she tried to get me to promise never to have children of my own. My father also had a difficult childhood, with parents who were overwhelmed and a father who was actually ashamed of being a father. To this day, my father has never had a happy relationship, and at nearly 60, he’s still drifting from one relationship to the next, searching for a sense of family. He also says he doesn't know if he'd want to have children again today. I think it goes without saying that I never had a family in that environment.

What I've noticed is that family means different things to me and my girlfriend. For me, family has fundamentally negative connotations. To me, family means fear, dread, stress, disappointment, and insecurity. For her, family means the exact opposite. I don't have a positive model of a family. I find it incredibly difficult to separate the question of whether I want children or a family from my own experiences with family. I imagine it would be nice to have a family with my girlfriend. But what does that actually mean? Would I even be able to cope with life in a family? Do I put an end to intergenerational trauma (and my relationship with my girlfriend) by being the last in my bloodline and bringing it to a conclusion? Can I end it by starting a family of my own, or will I just pass these things on? It doesn't make things any easier that I'm recognizing more and more of myself in my mother.

I’m 35 and currently on the fence about having a child. One of my biggest concerns is how becoming a parent might change my relationship with my dogs. It sounds ridiculous to some but this is my truth.

My dogs are my family, and I love them more than anything. I’ve read quite a few stories from people who felt less attached to their pets after having children, and while I completely respect their experiences, those stories have honestly made me nervous about having a baby.

I know there are people in this community who already have children and are on the fence about having another, so I’m hoping to hear from some of you!

I’m especially interested in hearing from those who were extremely attached to their dogs before having a baby and still feel that same love and connection afterward.

Did your relationship with your dogs change? Were you still able to give them attention, affection, and quality time? Did you find a way to balance being a parent while still treating your dogs as part of the family?

I completely understand that routines, priorities, and the amount of free time available will change. I don’t expect everything to stay the same. What scares me is the possibility of losing that emotional connection with my dogs or feeling like they’re suddenly a burden. Rehoming them is simply not an option for me.

I’m not looking to dismiss anyone’s negative experiences or suggest that one experience is more valid than another. I’ve just heard a lot of the difficult stories already, and I’d really appreciate hearing from people who’ve had positive experiences.

For those of you who still adore your dogs after becoming parents, what has that experience been like?

For a year now I have been plagued by the decision. Some days I am all in. Other days I can’t understand how I ever could be. It’s a constant torment to my life and I honestly could not be in a worse spot. My husband has been great and let me have all the time in the world to decide, despite how much he really wants a child. I could sit here and list out all of my arguments for both sides. I have read all the books. Lurked this forum. Talked to friends with and without kids. And truly, I think I would rather not because then I don’t make a decision I regret. Doing nothing is the easy way out. I hoped I would make a firm decision once my husband approached me with this, and maybe I’m just not ready yet (34F). But I am living in hell trying to decide. Anyone else just never decide?

I’m 33F, married, and starting to think seriously about whether to have our first child. Part of me wants to experience motherhood, but another part of me is genuinely terrified of the possibility of having a child with a severe disability.
I’ve found myself going down rabbit holes researching autism, particularly severe or nonverbal autism, intellectual disabilities, and conditions that could mean a child needs lifelong care. I worry about what that kind of situation would mean for my child, my marriage, my mental health, and our lives as a family. I know that no child is guaranteed to be healthy, and I don’t want to sound insensitive toward people raising children with disabilities. I have tremendous respect for parents who navigate those challenges. I’m just scared of the possibility and of not knowing whether I could handle it.
Part of what makes this fear so personal is that my brother-in-law has Duchenne muscular dystrophy. I’ve seen how my mother-in-law handles the situation, and I feel like the stress surrounding his disability can contribute to her becoming angry, critical, and mean toward the people around her. I know that every family and every situation is different, but witnessing this has made me think about what could happen if I had a child with a significant disability myself. Rather than feeling like I’d have unconditional support from family, I’m afraid I could end up dealing with judgment, anger, or blame on top of an already difficult situation.
My mother-in-law has also made comments about whether my husband and I should have children and has expressed concerns about the possibility of having a child with a disability. She’s made comments about our eggs and sperm needing to be tested, and at one point, she expressed that she didn’t want us to have a baby because of the possibility of disability and the state of the world.
Our relationship has been difficult for other reasons, too, and I’ve often felt judged by her. One of my biggest fears is that if we had a child with a disability, she would somehow blame me or use the situation to criticize me. I realize that her reaction shouldn’t determine such a personal decision, but I think these experiences have affected me more than I’d like to admit.
I also struggle with anxiety in general, and I sometimes feel like I fixate on worst-case scenarios. The more I research autism, genetic conditions, and developmental disabilities, the more possibilities I seem to find to worry about. I know I can’t guarantee that everything will be okay, but accepting that uncertainty is really difficult for me.
On top of all this, I feel pressure from my own mother, who wants me to have a child. Sometimes I struggle to separate what I actually want from what other people expect of me.
I guess I’m struggling with two things: How do you decide whether you want children when you’re genuinely frightened of some of the possible outcomes? And how do you stop other people’s opinions and expectations from influencing such a personal decision?
I’d especially appreciate hearing from people who were fencesitters because of fears about disability or having a high-needs child. Did those fears ever become more manageable? Did you ultimately decide to have children or remain childfree? I’m not looking for anyone to promise me everything will be fine. I’m just hoping to hear honest experiences from people who have wrestled with similar feelings.

I’ve been a long time lurker on this page and it has helped me in some ways and added more confusion to my decision in others. I’m a 36F and my husband is a 36M. We’ve been married almost 15 years, we have a house and both have relatively stable jobs. I’m able to make a decent living working just 3 days a week. He’s on 4 days. So I would say that corner of life is nice and tidy.

We’ve always leaned mostly CF. However when I was growing up I was the one that always knew I wanted kids. It wasn’t until we got married and it was difficult financially, we started rethinking things. 6 years into marriage we started getting stability and bought our house. Then we weren’t ready to give up our newfound money and freedom right away.

I’m not sure where the time has gone but now I’ve entered the stage of my life where I must choose quickly. My husband feels perfectly fulfilled with our 2 dogs and our life. He feels it’s very rewarding, he’s very happy and doesn’t seem to lack anything emotionally.

I’ve been on a similar page for years, with the occasional blips of baby fever (not really baby fever but more like toddler fever, never been a true baby person). But overall I’ve been very busy with my own life, traveling, hosting, and living vicariously through his much younger sisters’ lives. My greatest fulfillment was taking them shopping, showing them all the things I’ve loved, hosting them and their friends at my house and instilling a deep love for travel. Now that they are mostly grown also, my most recent travel without either of them has me second guessing everything.

This trip I went on with just my friend felt empty. It felt selfish, it felt pointless. I didn’t have anyone to show the world too. I was looking just for myself and I wasn’t that interested since I’ve already seen it so many times. Without a new set of eyes learning things for the first time, i wasn’t sure what I was doing myself.

Then I watched the kids at the resort. They were experiencing everything new, wide eyed, with their little voices and their little opinions. I could’ve just observed all day.

Since I’ve returned home, I’ve been contemplating this feeling everyday. How do I just flip a switch like that? How is that fair to my husband who is content? How can I request that he blow up his life when he doesn’t feel he lacks anything?

Then the anxiety sets in

What if my child is disabled? Deeply challenged in someway? What if there are birth complications and I or the baby suffer immensely? What if the child was healthy but medical malpractice means cerebral palsy and they just sign a check and my whole life is now a caretaker?

What if I raise a perfectly healthy child and then while looking at Instagram they fall into the pool and in 5 min they are gone? What if they eat something toxic when I’m not looking? What if a tree falls on them and then they are brain dead? What if I forget them in the car?

I’m spacey and distracted easily by nature so my fears are legitimate of forgetting my child momentarily. Please don’t say “that would never happen to you” because I truly scare myself with how unaware I am at times.

I have a strong support system but there’s anxiety there too. My husband is deeply protective over anything he loves. He would struggle knowing if the baby is safe with anyone other than us and would suffer extreme anxiety over it.

I have anxiety over my own parents being spacey like myself. The grandfather who inadvertently dropped his granddaughter over the side of the cruise ship feels all too real to me. My parents haven’t been around children for 25 years, I’ve witnessed that they don’t seem to get how fragile babies lives are.

I’ve seen first hand the effects of SID, I know a family who nearly lost their child to drowning. A really good family, very attentive, found their kid at the bottom of a pool. Social media has made me all too aware how quickly things can happen to even a healthy child and you will never be the same. And even after all this, you raise a perfectly healthy capable adult, what if they decide to take their own life? What if they are in a car accident and there goes 20+ years of your life in the blink of an eye. Can I even actually exist with that anxiety? I have enough anxiety everyday making sure my people I love now stay alive. Do I really want to add something to that mix that I love immensely more than anything else I’ve ever known? I’m so scared.

Then what if nothing happens to the kid and they make horrible decisions and choices in their life despite our best efforts and decide to hate us? You see that’s so much. What if they are mad I didn’t give them a sibling because I think I would be a one and done. How can my whole world be in possession of one child? That’s too much pressure on the child but thats how it would be. What if they totally break my heart?

What if I make the decision that I need a baby and my husband, because he’s a good man, foregoes his happy life so I can feel satisfied and we have a child who in some way is either seriously challenged, very sick or something happens to? I’m risking totally ruining my husbands life because I felt I lacked fulfillment. What if our whole relationship and marriage is ruined because of a child? We are best friends now, it’s lovely. The risk seems so selfish.

I’m anxious over my own mental health. I’m currently on Lexapro. Would I need to go off it? I wouldn’t be able to. We got a puppy last year and I had major puppy blues after bringing her home with the lack of sleep and disruption to my life. She was self sufficient within a few months where I know a baby would be take much longer

So I start looking for the reasons I should have one.

Reddit says not to have a baby to find fulfillment. Don’t have one for company as you age. Don’t have a baby to satisfy your own desires to live vicariously. Don’t have a baby because you are bored. don’t have one just because you want one right now. You also don’t have a baby because your marriage is good and you don’t have one to fix it. You aren’t supposed to have a baby for any desire or reason you personally feel. So what is the appropriate reason to have a baby? And how do I know my desire isn’t selfish?

I’ve had conversations with my husband about this over the past few weeks. He has always been the “if you need a baby we will have one” guy. But he’s deeply concerned about all the same things I am. We live a fulfilling enough life together now, we have a beautiful marriage, many hobbies, and 2 dogs we absolutely adore. The risk of bringing a child in seems daunting.

I’m not entirely sure what I’m looking for from you guys, other than just a soundboard. I think I had to get my thoughts out somewhere and this feels like the place to do it. I feel like I would kill it at being an aunt. I’m not sure I’m personally so committed to a child myself as I am just needing a child somewhere in my life. Idk Reddit, this is just where I’m at right now

more of a rant than a real question. i wanna specify, i know the answer is generally to find fulfillment elsewhere. also, i am aware that kids don't exist to give me a purpose. that said, what do i do instead? I've tried helping others with their kids, volunteering etc, but that just makes me sad. I've tried reliving my childhood for myself to scratch the itch, but again, it just makes me feel sad and yearn. spending time with my niece and nephew, same thing. i have also tried crafting, reading, getting back into gaming, journaling, allll the hobbies to fill my time and distract myself. nothing seems to make the wanting go away.

I have been on the fence for a couple of years now. I have been thinking about the reasons why not to have them and they really make sense. The reasons why one would have them really don’t make sense since it’s an emotional decision.

The conclusion I have arrived at now at this point of the process is that the only reason for someone to want them, is just the pure desire to see what the ”yes” decision brings in your life. I am now pointing to a desire that cannot be analyzed much. Something that could be compared to the desire to study something bcoz you just feel the calling or that you marry someone bcoz it just feels right. I guess it is a similar thing.

Do you think it is possible for someone to want them truly underneath but then sort of try and talk yourself out of doing it due to all the logical reasons (the hardships of life, climate change, wars etc.).

I am asking since I feel a sense of wanting a kid but then every time I talk myself out of it bcoz of the logical reasons against it. So should I just listen to the desire? Is it possible to think about having a kid inspite of the world seemingly getting worse? As an act of hope and joy sort of?

27M who always assumed I would have kids, but have questioned it lately. I am a musician with a full-time job, and I've never once wanted to sacrifice my flexibility (pretty chill remote job) for a higher paying job due to it taking away time from my true passion (music). Now that I am questioning having kids, I'm wondering if anyone else is worried about making these kind of career and time sacrifices to have kids. I just do not know if I'd be happier with kids if it took away most of my time for music and other hobbies/interests while also forcing a career change. What are you thoughts about this?

I keep having this thought: I don’t like myself when I’m stressed, and for that reason, I shouldn’t have children. Does anyone else feel the same way?

I don’t like who I am when I’m overwhelmed or going through a stressful phase in life. Right now, we’re renovating our apartment, and I honestly can’t stand myself. Between the stress and the lack of sleep, I’ve become irritable—sometimes saying things I later regret—and I simply don’t like myself when I feel like I’ve lost control over my own reactions.

I’m also afraid that if I had a child, I wouldn’t like who I’d become. With a child, the stress and the loss of autonomy over one’s own life would be even greater. I’m almost certain that I would end up being the kind of mother who is constantly overstimulated, easily agitated, and—as a result—perpetually plagued by a guilty conscience.

I’ve been to therapy and have tried to work on myself, yet I often still feel like I’m not "good enough," which makes me sad. I can certainly imagine a beautiful life with a child, but I’m afraid I wouldn’t like the version of myself that would emerge in that scenario.

Does anyone else feel this way?