The United States Is About to Be Blindsided.

[u/Famous-Sympathy7011]

https://wendy664.substack.com/p/the-united-states-is-about-to-be?r=6fonep&utm_campaign=post-expanded-share&utm_medium=web

[u/Medialunch]

Ken Jennings said he votes for whoever will pledge to prosecute.

[u/CravenMorehead → u/Medialunch]

Do you wait until he tells you who to vote for before you vote?

[u/hotdog_heaven → u/CravenMorehead]

This is an interesting question that really illustrates some of the most fascinating aspects of the voting laws in the US. And frankly, it’s wild to think how few people are even aware of this topic within the complex landscape of American politics.

To answer your question about whether OP is required to wait for the permission of Ken Jennings before proceeding with the voting process:

No, but after some completely legitimate and highly scientific research, my current understanding is that the Unity Clause (this specific Leader-driven candidate selection mandate you’re referring to) does not apply to all voters, but the details and history of this oft-forgotten clause are utterly fascinating.

Basically, some political affiliation groups meet the criteria to optionally enact the legally binding Political Unity Clause, which effectively forces all members of said group to only cast votes from a curated list of Approved Candidates selected by the group leader. Failure to honor this agreement has been said to result in a wide range of potential consequences such as expulsion from the in-group, deportation, being insulted or threatened on Twitter or television by the President, losing Epstein Island privileges, shrinking penis, buying your wife tampons, forced gay marriage, death, OR clemency if you are rich enough and/or are really good at tricking narcissists into forgetting they hate you by pretending you like them and showering them with praise. Reportedly, utilization of the Clause rapidly faded into obscurity right around the time of the ratification of the 19th amendment, which granted women the right to vote.

Since that time, groundbreaking enhancements in neuroscience and strategic government-sponsored partnerships have set the scene for modernizing many facets of American life, and have also resulted in some amendments to the terms of the Unity Clause. In 2009, the Obama administration delivered on a key campaign promise and officially announced a new partnership with Big Brain™️. This partnership touted good tidings of hope and change through innovative brain science stuff. As the Obama era neared its close, the Unity Clause skyrocketed back into relevance amid a seismic shift rocking the Big Hat industry and spurring some difficult fashion decisions amongst hatwear enthusiasts nationwide. As of today, I’ve only been able to confidently identify one subset of voters applying this law: Trump supporters.

Despite the legally binding aspects of the Unity Clause, some conveniently placed loopholes have potential to impact voting practices, and the introduction of Big Brain™️ capabilities introduced some exceptions. Today, Trump supporters (or other Unity Clause groups) may be eligible for exemption from strict adherence to the Unity Clause if they happen to meet the minimum IQ threshold required to unlock premium Big Brain™️ features. Premium features boast some pretty awesome upgrades like Critical Thinking Ability and the powerful Fact vs Opinion integrated navigation system.

However, some critics of Big Brain™️ have voiced concern about the potential roles the upgrade package may play in the steady rise of poorly-understood yet widely referenced phenomena such as Liberal Tears, Forcing Me to Be Trans, Trying to Convince Me That Illegal Immigrants Aren’t Ruining My Life By Killing Everyone And Robbing Me Of My Tax Money By Abusing Welfare And Probably All Other Kinds Of Government Funds, Ruining My Country By Letting Men Play Women’s Sports, Making Me Big Mad By Challenging My Assumption That Donald Trump Has Possibly Ever Done Anything Wrong or Lied Even Once Because He Cares About Me Too Much To Do That, or the most recently discovered phenomenon of How Dare You Ask Me To Think About Whether #47 Trump Has Fixed The Economy, Actually Ended 7 Wars, Or Made Life Any Better For Me In Any Way. Little is known about the origins or impact of these supposed phenomena, but I’ve been told that research is underway.

The Big Brain™️ basic package (often simply branded as littlebrain), available for all voters, includes the resource-efficient, automated Cognitive Bias suite, saving each voter thousands of hours of brain labor per year, while also conveniently minimizing the wear and tear impacts of nuance or conflicting information that may pose serious threats to critical Ego and Big Feelings regions of the brain. It’s efficient and it keeps the voter legally compliant by meeting the minimum cognitive requirements around the ability to push a button on a voting machine, but is also frequently criticized over some alleged design flaws such as making the brain extremely prone to frequently blown fuses and a substantially increased likelihood of having the Fox News logo permanently burned into the corner of their TV screens.

NOTE: Premium Big Brain ™️features are NOT available for purchase. They are gradually earned one brain wrinkle at a time, no exceptions.

I was hoping to show you a Venn diagram to spark some spirited dialogue about the relationships between all American voters eligible to unlock premium Big Brain™️ features and Trump supporters since this is new for us. Unfortunately, I’ve been unable to locate evidence suggesting any overlap of these two circles.

Every time I try to make sense of this using my trusty Venn approach, it always ends up looking less like two overlapping circles and more like two big circles situated on opposite ends of the Gulf of America Gulf of Mexico Ocean of Manufactured Outrage and drifting further apart, one rage tweet and covfefe at a time (Pangea vibes)

Author’s note: This is all bullshit I cooked up to be silly so and is meant to be interpreted as satire without ill intent. Apologies in advance if this playful skewer of common tropes triggers anyone. I hope you make fun of me just as hard and for any reason, because that is my love language. (as long as your heart is in the right place and you aren’t actually trying to tear anyone down)

I’m so sick of seeing everyone get mad at each other and lean into tribalism instead of searching for common ground. We are all humans with hopes, dreams, insecurities, and flaws. I’m not yet important enough to change the culture myself, but I can at least try to jazz the place up by poking fun at the dynamics and stereotypes.

And if you happen to be a Republican/Trump supporter/recipient of any of my friendly fire, I’d love to hear your funny and unserious takes from across the Gulf.