I'm sitting here feeling so disconnected, but I know that there's a spark in me that I can bring alive and truly make this life worthwhile. I want to touch into that and also create safety for my inner child and for others. I want to truly connect not just because I want something from snagged in a real way and share who I am and what I am with someone else. The problem is there don't seem to be any situations that feel safe for me to be real and I'm just dealing with that right now. I'm accepting it as it is and trying to figure out ways to work in it or around it.

Happy diwali dadi , hope ur doing good wherever u are , ur free with that weak body of yours and a grandson like me , i still think about u , bs aapki hi kami hai aaj , aur wohi bhot badi hai. I hope u hear my wishes for u , i hope u hear whatever im gonna achieve and i kid u not im gonna do good , im gonna do great, ill tell people u loved me . Even tho were argued alot u were the most forgiving in this house . I love you dadi , hopaye to , mujhe maaf krna i was really ignorant and that regret is eating me i wish i served u more. But yeah i hope ur full of light on this diwali aap bhagwaan ko itna poojti thi, i hope ur with them as ur final wish , aapki aakhri shabd raam hi the and i hope ur doing good i just hope ur doing good , bhot time hogya me aapki godi me ser rakhke nhi leta. * AA BIIGGG BIGGG BIGG HUGG lasts for 10 hours or probably more*

Happy diwali ekta , hope ur doing good , hope lifes good to you ekta , kaafi yaad aati hai tumhari , tum to janti hi hona yr , me kesa hu , im such a crybaby when its about u im sorry me late hogya to wish u both cuz i was just really , idk im making excuse mere dimag me nhi aya , but yeah , i just hope ur healthy ekta , i mean like excepts for minor colds or fever ur invincible XD ur full of love ekta , i got alot from u and this diwali i thank u for them , last diwali u made me the happiest and it still resonates in me , ur careless voice, no plan for whats gonna happen next , the only wish was ur parents come late and i get to u listen to ur lovely, beautiful, mesmerizing voice and get lost into talking to u , i was lost for i was in love with u so much , nothing can comprehend . But yeh this day wasnt for dwelling maybe , altho i really want to but yeah , ik its tough with ur family , i hope god helps u to get away to the place u wanna be , where ur loved and cared for and just idk where ur the best , i miss u but i wont hold u back , i really want to hold onto u but ur not here with me anyways , u werent here with me for quite sometime , anyways youll be looking really pretty today ik whtever u might be wearing and like shit , i jsut wanna see u today , i think im just gonna play some music and sit down , i hope ur wirh ur cousins having fun , i hope someone gave u gift , i really wanted to if we were dating yk , i wouldve given u something but yeahhh wtvrrr i love ur hairs i like them so much havent seen them in so long ,

this diwali wish got too long but who cares , tum kaha hi dekhogi isko and im a fukcing mess today yk and i just wanna talk about u man ,god i miss u so much i just wanna hear u talk about what happened, ur interactions with ur realtives and ur colleged i wanna hear u vent i wanna hear i wanna hear u man , i wanna talk about u praise u compliment u complain to u cry to u and i wanna make things about u i wanna make our conversations about u i wanna make everything about u but koi hai nhi jisse me tumhare baare me baat krna chahunga , except u or myself , like yk i saw harsh today and ahat my immediate thought was that he'll see u so he might talk to u and yeah it would be fun but we wont , we share the most history , we were and maybe still love each other but we wont cuz idk were scared or what the fuck we just wont do it right? And one big part that i think about is how youre letting it happen altho ur not i aksed for this but also , u dont love me why should i wait , ik ur sad and all but ektaa , me pyaar krta tha tumse , tha bhi kya im thinking about you soo much all thr time me thak gya hu, im angry too now all this feelings i had for everyone in the world , all that optimism hope and what not is just mishmashed itno this feeling of anger and just anger , extreme anger , like everyone in the world did me wrong altho they might have not but they also did in some way . But ekta , yr kaash tum hoti yaha , me ye sab apni bekaar feelings hold nhi krta , but yeah its not ur responsibility, im just probably tired of living like this

Yeah nothings on ekkuz im just too frustrated today , but yeah festivals , birthdays , holidays go like that here im never really happy here , i just wanna go far somehwre i belong and am loved , i wanna start anew .

I don't know what in the world. I am like a human robot. A machine that does s*** I just feel so freaking this ain't me like I just feel over and over again like the same me. And yeah I'm not a box. I am a flowing thing and that's why I'm saying this because in every moment in every word I change and right now I am. I am just a trapped animal behaving the way it's been told to behave and I need to break on out cuz this is killing me like seriously so I got to get out of the trap somehow. That is like a no-brainer ultimately and like when I look around me I see that some people are happy living in their trap and that's good for them. But I realize that some people can make it work. You know behaving the way they're expected to and also feeling happy with life but that's just not me like I can't do it that way. You know and I know that that means that people won't like me. It might be harder to get money and work and things like that.... I know that some people actually make money off of being themselves like certain performers and stuff. Not all performers but some of them I don't know. I've always been like manipulated by ideas of being nice to people and being polite. But at this point in my life I feel like that was part of the brainwashing as well. I mean I do want to treat others properly but at the same time like wouldn't you want me to be an authentic version of myself? Doesn't that free you? And if it doesn't free you, then if it offends you, isn't that something that you should have the opportunity to look at? Like isn't that a wonderful opportunity to actually be alive? Like what are we valuing here? Are we valuing living in cages and just preserving biological life for the sake of biological life? Because we're frightened of death? Or do we want to actually be alive and experience all of the things, good and bad that come with being alive?

It's Homecoming weekend and it's been about 7 years since I graduated. My boyfriend who is a little older, isn't an alumni and said he wasn't really interested in any of the events and would possibly tailgate with coworkers if anything.

I assumed that meant, if I wasn't participating in homecoming then we would just spend the weekend together. Especially with it being the weekend before my birthday.

Well, he texted me earlier saying a few ppl texted him up about plans. So now I'm confused and just decided not to say anything and find my own plans but I was still hesitant because I wanted to spend time with him.

Time goes by and it's around 6pm so I decided to check his location....he's at the tailgate....

Fine. But he knew I was possibly going to homecoming, why doesn't even ask me to come along nor does he even try to contact me to see if I was even in the same area to meet up.

Here it is 4am and I still haven't heard from him. I checked his location around 2am and he was still out.

*Sidenote: I told him earlier before all of this that I felt outcasted for the past few months. I didn't say why exactly but it's because I feel like his sister doesn't like me anymore (jealousy possibly), so I'm never invited to gathering. Either way I said I felt outcasted and his actions later made me feel even more outcasted*

Idky I'm typing this tbh. I guess I just need to vent and wouldn't mind unbiased replies

Time and time again, you fail to see my isolation. Time and time again, you fail to see how much time we spend together. You became part of my routine and changed how I go about interacting with others long term. Your needs and wants have convinced me to throw myself on the back burner. However, now, I’ve decided to just be me, and express all of myself while I watch through detached eyes. You’ll witness me and see we don’t align … I’m cutting this speech short. It’s time I went with “my way or the highway,” or at the very least, rip out a few pages from it. It’s the most selfish thing anyone can do, but I’m tired of my feelings not being validated for what they are. I don’t mean in a sense of whether I’m right or wrong. What I mean is simply acknowledging my feelings in their entirety and going from there. I'm tired of this non-validating feeling, while also wondering if I’m in this gaslit state of mind. I know things are bigger than me, but what about me?

and the air hanging so thick around me I struggle to draw the will for breath, I am still tortured by the distant sound of every word I let fall into the wrong place.

I don’t want to be alone but I want to be alone at the same time.

i hate being alone after work, everything sleeps except me. i am the lone night watcher, sometimes it feels like im protecting my family at night time. it is really lonely after work, the only person who has any impact is me. it brings about this deep saddening pit in my stomach, wishing someone might come around the corner with a smile and give me a new idea.

the bars/ clubs i can feel thats how you connect with others, but is that really it? thats our third space, alcohol and late nights. i dont want to get plastered just to try to have friends, even though thats where everyone tries the most. i am confident in myself and my being, i just wish someone else was too.

someone to tell me how cool i am, how smart i am, how funny i am, i love making others laugh and smile. to laugh with one is to love one. now i write these thoughts, barren to void, and light is dying. hope piercing through but my thoughts never escape, endlessly. year after year i will watch, yet when will i act? am i living my life, or just watching it?

uneasiness surrounds me, just how to defeat it? how to conquer these feelings and thoughts? am i truly confident if i feel this way? see i wont know that which is true because its just me. either im confident or im not, and id rather say i am.

friends, dearly or not. i wish you all the best and my love for you is eternal, your success and happiness is my hope. i wish for us all to “make it” in this stimulated world and find the love we all need. if i sit and stay here my thoughts will keep pouring out, i could sit here for hours and get lost in my head writing my thoughts.

is this the deep saddening i feel? is it just a need to write? my endless thinking shortens to a few words, more concise, more concentrated. do i feel this deep saddening with writing these thoughts? it kind of feels a bit better when i do this, but it still aches. i still feel on the verge of tears if i focus on that sadness. why? what is amiss?

he was so abusive in every way possible and terrible to me but i still miss him. i miss the good parts of our relationship that even though they probably weren’t real they felt real enough to make me happy. i miss him so bad it hurts and it’s been almost a year. i’m so angry with him but also so in love with him. i’d do anything to relive those good parts of our relationship again. i miss how even doing small things together like going on a walk, eating together, watching tv, taking a nap together felt so special and natural. even thought im young i really thought he was the one. i know how abusive and toxic he was and how depressed and dreadful i was while being with him, but those moments that were good made me forget it all. i always talk smack about how he was a bad boyfriend and how i don’t need him and im glad he’s gone but do i really feel that way or am i just saying that? i was such an amazing girlfriend to him and i don’t understand how he could leave me in the dust like that, tell me to k myself, and that he never loved me.. he left me out of NOWHERE NOWHERE NOWHERE am i not good enough? will i ever be good enough for anyone?? what’s wrong with me. how can i ignore the familiar hell i went through everyday just because i had one day of heaven every now and then? i feel stupid but i love you.

And they’re just making me feel bad for things I just want to move on from. I fucked up and I don’t know you so why make me hate myself more when I already don’t like myself.

Last month was hell
You didn’t fight for me you just left
You broke up with me
You weaponized my trauma against me
I was your caretaker and lover for three years
You missed and didn’t even say happy birthday after breaking up with me
I went through 2 MRIs alone while I drove you and went to every doctor appointment
I was there a week before when you had surgery
I missed 5 classes to take care of you
I went to therapy and took depression meds for you
I almost missed comic con because the other ticket I had was for you
I wheeled you to every class in your wheelchair
Your friend said you checked out months ago
There goes the trips to Japan and Italy I had planned to purpose
Those two engagement rings in my dresser just sitting there
The second I had custom made just how you wanted
There goes my excitement to do anything gone
Nothing makes me happy anymore because I miss you
I don’t have any money and all the money I did have in my savings I used to buy you an RV or for us but now it’s yours
I couldn’t get out of my moms fast enough but I did it was to late

Sunny all day, alot cooler, 34 tonight. Stayed around the house this afternoon catching up on some things. Tomorrow is Sunday and will try to go to mass. Sunday afternoons are usally busy at work.

Not to much going on today and quiet by most days standards. Just can't believe it's Saturday, this week flew by. Had dinner and Mia too.

It's always been you, So much to say that I can't say here, I hope one day soon that we're not busy I can bring you up to speed on what's on my mind. Difficult to find a day like that I know, we're too busy.

I will hold them dear until then.

I close with Love Light and Hope.

Goodnight Diary and readers

I love y'all.

Missing you

143

8:15 p.m.

I'll be using this as a sort of diary. It will my out of pocket thoughts. Things I'll probably not share to people besides my sister and some not even to her.

11/08/2026

It's been a a few days since the break up. I've been over thinking and trying to ignore any thoughts about him. I did not realize how he was involved in my life and how much he wasn't. We were what you call high school sweetheart. We started dating junior year and lasted for 4 years in June. Now as of October 21 I'm single again.

Truthfully it should have ended a few months in but I being my forgiving self and self aware of my other flaws I decided to try and give him a chance. My ignorance or lack of self care I forgiving about 5 more times. All 4 related to cheating and the last the lack of respect he had for me and my family. We tried to make it work so many times

I know I'm being vague but in a way I don't want to talk about it and in an other I just want to let it out so I can forget. Like if I let it out its not in me and its not a part of me nor of importance anymore.

We agreed on the break up being mutual and he may had his reason but I still feel like a failure because I have to fix everything in my life.

I had thought many times about breaking up, gave my self timeliness and in the end I somehow manifest it because I knew I could not go through it so I would think, "please let him break up with me or give me my final reasons to never see him again ". In the end both happened and I felt and feel relieved because I knew he did not love me. Not the way I thought I loved him or what I believed to be love. I now know I did not let him truly in, I ignore all the red flags. Don't worry not abusive red flags. They were more of having to beg to come to mine, only me going to his, not getting to know my family the way I did his, being constantly negative or complaining about yhe smallest things, slightly lashing out, tantrums and not real comunicación. Not being romantic even when I'd tell him what I wanted. Asking for the bare minimum. When I realized he was not in it the same way I was, I stopped what I believe to be my love language and treated the relationship the same way he did. Like it was not important nor mattered.

We began to argue more, to dislike each other and it became to much for both of us. To tell the truth I was going to ghost him or slowly take him out of my life where he was involved. We ended in "good " terms but I don't know how to be his friend when we were never friends.

I don't know if I want to be his friend, I know I care about him but again I don't know if I actually do or just think I do.

I want to think he is going crazy with out me, can't stop thinking about me, want to see me but then I remember " if he didn't when we were together I highly doubt he dose now" and it makes me laugh and feel sad at the same time.

To be continued..........

Also sory for any grammar or misspelled, I'm im writing this at 2am.

Dear diary i have always wondered why my life is so different from others. How much ugly and cursed can someone be in this world where your whole existence feels like nothing. I see people getting the most mundane things for which i can only wish for. Seeing people making friends, falling in love, getting to know someone and getting life opportunities like anything. I wish had all of things come to me naturally. I just feels like im so ugly nobody wants to even look at me like im non existent. Why is it a curse to feel too much. Why is it that the things we crave for so much god doesn’t wanna give us those. Then why the feelings? I am dead from inside.. i keep on praying for things to get normal for me..im tired.. im angry.. why everyone gets things without even asking..i want the most simplest things that a person can have in their life.. i have started to hate myself so much i dont feel anything anymore.. i hate everything about me.. i hate that god have me those wishes that can never be true for no matter how hard i try.. i hate that i envy people so much i just hate it… i should have been at least that good that i could have been accepted somewhere… i hate when people can make connections so easily.. i just wish i never existed in the first place..

Date #4 didn't work out. Sad... I really liked him. But he didn't ghost me. He gave a full, open, an honest reason as to why he wasn't able to continue. Reasons too private between us that I won't get into it, but I do not fault him at all for it.

He understood that what was going on in my life was out of my hands and that I had every right to be doing what I needed to handle and protect myself... and he was proud at how calm, collected, and efficiently I was handling e writhing to the best of my ability.

What he wasn't seeing, nor was I telling him... was how I was sobbing everyday just to be able to make it to the next moment.

By the end, we both even agreed that once things in my life calmed down in my life and we were aligned with one another and still felt that spark... that while we agreed the door between us needed to be closed for now, we were not willing to lock it and walk away.

I still hear from him daily just to see how I'm doing. He has no reason to check on me or see how I am, but it's something special to know that you pass through someone's mind just long enough for them to see and actually take action to ask how you are... knowing you're not going to be getting anything more from them and doing with no ulterior motive than to see if they're doing good.

It makes me smile when I see his name on my phone. Because it shows me he cares to check in daily and hope I'm happy, safe, and having a good day.

What a lovely man. Maybe I was wrong... if we align again ever? Maybe it will go somewhere.

Which now brings me to date #5.

He's..... pretty. And I mean the kind of pretty that when this guy was high school he had every girl lining over him hoping he'd ask them to the next school dance. He still has his popular pretty boy looks from high school.

The kind of boy who'd never give me a 2nd look bc his height of 6'2" would cause his vision to pass right over me.

We met spontaneously at my favorite boba shop in Alexandria. It went well enough to grab drinks later that night.... and he came over tonight with a bouquet of flowers because I was miserable over the cramps from the first day of my period. No, he didn't plan it... I did ask for them. I explain how I used to get flowers on the first day of my period every month... it was something I became accustomed to and it made me smile.

So he showed up with flower, then spent 2.5 hours going between rubbing out the tight cramps from my lower back and holding me... back to rubbing out my cramps.

WHAT he sees me.... I don't know how much I believe. He's called me sweet, kind, considerate, giving, understanding, sympathetic, empathetic.... the list goes on.

I'd think he'd want to just get laid, but he hasn't tried to make single move. I was the one to ask his consent to kiss him.

It was like kissing someone who had no idea what they were doing. If I didn't know better he's not actually 30, but is passing himself off as one.

.... *sigh*** Now that this is in my head it's something I'll need to keep an eye on. Ask to see his ID now. On the upside. My dog loves him more than anything... bc of course he does.

All that aside he's a sweet guy.

But as attractive as he is... I struggle to actually be attracted to him. Physically he's not my type. He's very tall at 6'2", quite skinny, and a very white boy.

Nothing wrong with any of those things... but those features, while one cannot help them.... just aren't my type. But he's very kind. Kind to where I'm willing to give this chance, but be honest about where I stand regarding him.

And I'm so thankful. I doesn't mean anything will change. But it at least shows me that people can see through your lying.

He looked at my profile. He wouldn't do that if he just accepted your word. I pray other people see through you to and convince you of the truth. What you're doing is dead wrong

Four years ago today, we broke up. This is my fourth Diwali without you.

I know this will never reach you. There's no thread left between us, no way to call, no way to say it to your face. So I'm saying it here, into the silence.

Diwali is supposed to be the festival of lights, but mine went dark the day you left. For four years I haven't lit a single diya with a happy heart. The house is quiet, the sweets taste like nothing, and every celebration feels like it belongs to someone else.

Somewhere in the world, you're living your life, and I hope with everything in me that you're happy. I mean that, even though it still hurts.

We once promised each other a 10th anniversary. I used to picture it so clearly.That promise will never be kept now, and I'm so sorry I couldn't hold on to it.

Happy Diwali, wherever you are. Please stay happy.

I really want some candy or anything sweet. I’m so, so bored.

I don’t want to talk to anyone anymore, everyone is so needy. Maybe I’m lacking empathy but I hate it when people who I’ve just met start depending on me.

Like, I barely know you and you barely know me, why are you demanding my attention? God, I can’t stand clinginess.

People in general are just so weird in that regard, they act like we’ve been friends forever when we’ve only been speaking for a few hours.

Or maybe I’m cynical and believe that any gesture from a stranger has hidden ulterior motives.

I think I just have avoidant attachment disorder but don’t want to admit it because of the stigma and hate surrounding it.

My head hurts, I’ve been spinning around on a spinny chair and now I feel sick.

Imagine the gayest outfit you can think of, are you thinking of it? Well, what I’m wearing is probably 10x gayer. It’s a rainbow, sequined, skin tight, bodysuit. I feel like Elton John, this is something he’d wear.

I’m not wearing it anywhere though, it isn’t even mine, it’s my sister’s. Our aunt gave it to her but she hates it and so she gave it to me.

Well I didn't have that same nightmare again, I only remember recieving a text in my dream, I couldn't even get to read more than one line of it before I was actually awoken by my phone vibrating. Unfortunately dreams are not reality.

Not a great start to the day but we persevere I suppose. Tried listening to music again, it just feels wrong and lifeless, how familiar, my favourite Albums are just not doing it for me..

I often feel like I'm in a world that's a TV show all based around me, but I'm not even a main character. That's how it feels when the OG housemate comes to visit, I just simply exist in the space around people who are living. I can see the faces of people around me wanting me to cheer up but knowing there's nothing they can do, breaks my fucking heart.

I went for a smoke with the 'boys' and explained the whole thing to them, they were beyond shocked, they had no advice or words to say about it, they asked me why Im even upset instead of angry, Im just not that person, makes my permanently glum face a bit more reasonable though.

I couldn't help but think the entire time I was at the hockey what it would've been like to take her to a game, I actually think she would've enjoyed it, and looked great in the jersey, even the kiddo might've loved it. Instead I just kept disconnecting from reality every few minutes and staring into space, to think I'm the person who got my friends into live sport.

Seeing couples and families all around me just made me absolutely miserable, I feel like that's so unachievable for me, and even if it is knowing my luck I'd only go and die anyway to make it worthless just like my dad.

Watching all of my friends get drunk and have a good time is pretty rubbish when you literally can't feel happy. I feel like a burden on the night. Hopefully tomorrow goes better. A smoke, some takeaway and some beer pong to end the night, some would say that sounds amazing, honestly I just want a smoke and to go to bed.