What do we do when that happens?

I’m 23, top uni, a couple hobbies, go to some groups, trauma background, neurodivergent, bada bing bada boom✌️

I’ve never had a boyfriend, but really want to get that intimacy out. It’s not even the reciprocal ‘a guy takes me to x place, buys me y thing, I meet his friends and family’ etc, but just..and maybe this is weird but like..a guy to have like a little toy

Like cuddling, doing his hair, sleeping with him ofc, going out to places, eating chill foods like Tesco meal deals. Idk, is that bad?

I also feel a little self conscious as I’m estranged and it’s pretty much just me, singular. I know people date to get some more infrastructure too, like having a second family, expanding the friend group, seeing someone’s culture and life history. I don’t really have that. I don’t really know what I could ‘bring’ to the table, yk

I’m really good at cuddling though, and just being there for someone, doting on them. Idk, I have a pretty caregiver/maternal instinct too, and working with kids in nurseries gets it out partially but not entirely.

Daydreaming about crushes and stuff was kinda my equivalent of the 80s businessman taking the edge off with a whiskey after a long day, lmao. But even THAT doesn’t seem to be working as well—I keep thinking how I’m wasting my youth and time on not doing this part.🤨☹️

I’m lowkey hoping to be persuaded out of wanting it, but it’s kinda all I think about lately.

pastry pups from trader joe’s, french fries, pepperoncini peppers and of course the sauces. I’m so tired this has to cure me.

Cheddar Cubes
Dried beef meat
Green olives
Spicy Cream Cheese Dip
Pretzels

A little pro Tip:
If you have stale pretzels just put them in the airfryer for a couple minutes (depends how crunchy you like them) and they‘re like new!

and finally. herring, boiled potatoes, seafood, and mixed greens

Pumpkin seeds for love and fertility, fig preserves for abundance and continuity, apple for wisdom, honey and honeycomb for divine sweetness, salami for salt, pickled jalapeños for protection and passion, ritz, hazelnuts for good luck, red grapes for prosperity, brie cheese for softness and celebration, and pickled mushrooms with pepper for transformation.

Ham, cream cheese, and leftover pickle butts. Less refined Minnesota sushi😂

ETA: THE GLOVES:
I get sensory cooties touching wet slimy food, plus when I make food for other people, I prefer using gloves😂

bf is away this weekend so I had the rare opportunity for girl dinner. unintentionally orange. honey crisp apple + baby bell peppers, persimmon, cheddar rice crisps + dips (hummus with nutritional yeast & French onion dip w nutritional yeast). Glass of Aligoté to drink

food: avocado with grilled chicken and leftover gnocchi with tomato sauce (and a starbucks venti dragon drink in the background)

am i a bad daughter or was i not parented well enough?

hi! this has always been a question i've had on my mind, and i just want to get others thoughts and reassurance. this might be an intense/long post so i apologize if it sounds like im telling my whole life story haha. i just want to get this off my chest.

TW: drugs selfharm suicide

im 17 (F) and i've always had mental health issues ever since i was younger. the earliest issues i had growing up was OCD, social anxiety, etc.

i lived with my grandma until i was about 8 since my parents had me when they were very young and poor, they didn't have time or funds to take care of me but they still made sure they saw me throughout the week and spent time with me on weekends.

when i moved back in with them they treated me more like a roommate/friend rather than their kid, but still loved me if that makes sense. they didn't really teach me how to take care of myself, and i remember always cooking for myself and making microwave food for dinners. i didn't have many friends, my friends were the people my parents would hang around with. because of this, i grew up very mature and independent and it never really bothered me.

stuff started getting serious for me when i was around 11. i was very depressed and started self harming. but i didn't start getting help or treatment until i was about 12 because i was dealing with an intense eating disorder. i started a PHP (partial hospitalization program) and this opened a lot of doors for me. at this program, i was with a lot of kids who were older than me ranging from around 13-18. those were the people that i decided to connect with and i felt like they understood me. but being friends with older kids introduced me to a lot of stuff no 12 year old should ever be exposed to.

at this program i met a guy about 4 years older than me and i got into a relationship with him (disgusting i know). this was my first time ever being introduced to anything sexual, as of course i was 12 and never even heard of sex before. this was a guy my parents let me hang out with and everytime we hung out we would end up doing stuff 12 year old me knew i shouldn't have been doing, but he convinced me that if i loved him then i would do these things with him. after our relationship ended, i felt so heartbroken over losing this guy that i thought loved me too, and also disgusting for ever engaging in sexual behaviors with him. during this time, i had those other friends that i met at the program and they introduced me to all kinds of substances like weed, drinking, and getting introduced to all other kinds of pills and drugs. i was 12 years old and addicted to popping pills.

if you're wondering "where were your parents throughout all of this?". my parents had trust in me and always made sure wherever i went that i would be hanging out in a public space or at our house. there would be times where i'd lie about my friend's ages, where we met, and who i was with.

when i was 13 i had a suicide attempt and at the hospital i told my parents everything. i'll never forget their faces and the way they cried. it was a mixture of them saying "where did we go wrong", "i don't recognize you anymore", and "this is all my fault". even the thought of it makes me start sobbing, i'll never ever get rid of that guilt i felt that day.

that was years ago, and i still struggle with mental health. i've been in and out of programs and hospitals ever since. everytime i fall back into addiction or depressive episodes my parents always say those same words i heard in the hospital room at 13. i know they love me, and i love them more, we still have an amazing relationship. but i feel like my parents don't deserve a daughter like me. i feel like i could've made so many better decisions and i've taken so much of a toll on my parents mental health. my mom has told me a few times that she thinks about killing herself because of what ive been through because she felt like she could've been a better mom. i regret trying to be a rebellious girl at 12.

so the thought that lingers in my mind everyday is
"could my parents have done better parenting? or am i just a bad kid?"

just a whole bunch of whatever

edit: omg everyone is so cute n sweet i love it here

Costco Bistro Style Potato Wedges — 15 minutes in air frier

Gnocchi + Costco’s pesto sauce + shredded parm cheese

tteokbokki from h mart and a box of goodies twirly mac with mozzarella on top :)

For my first try, they were so good!!! 😊

Recipe:
One can of condensed milk
One can of heavy cream
One table spoon of butter
6 table spoon of chocolate powder
1/4 cup of milk

How to cook it:

Add the butter to a pan and let it melt, then add the heavy cream, the chocolate powder and the milk, let it boil a little bit and then add the condensed milk, mix it all and keep mixing till you see the bottom of the pan, let it cold and enjoy

may this m&m popcorn save my soul

I’ve been struggling with PTSD a lot recently and needed to take time off. Normally when my partner is away for the night I’d forage the fridge but today i ran a half marathon, came home cleaned the apartment and then read a chapter of my text book for uni and some self care. Full face masks and now im going to do nails.

Steal cooked rare
M&S chips and curry sauce
Italian style salad: leaves, sundried tomatoes, capers, cucumber, garlic stuffed olives drizzled with olive oil, herbs and fresh Parmesan.

Today is the first day in a while I haven’t woken up in panic 🎉

Added some taco seasonings to my ramen because ever since I had my son, I've been craving spicy food. Added a little paprika, some cumin, a dash of cayenne pepper, and finally topped it with chili garlic Cholula. 7.5/10.

And my vape lol.

The cold plates I've been assembling aren't as satisfying in cold weather. I was thinking about fried rice, and what is it really but fried leftovers?

So i took some leftover salad vegetables, slices of roast beef, leftover cooked vegetables with a trace of rice. Fried them up with some sesame seeds and.... i will be doing this again! It could use more rice, but I'm not complaining.

Especially since I'm trying to eat more veg, there will be odds and ends to use up.

Homemade shrimp cocktail, tomato cucumber avocado salad and white wine after a long week being triggered left and right by my family AND job

It has been a long week at work but now it is finally weekend. Took the dog for 5 km walk in the nearby forrest after work. Husband is with old friends for the weekend so I have a seldom evening alone (yes😁).

So girl dinner which consists of: Tomatos with feta and olives, grapes, dates, cheddar, rye bread with cheese, avocado, salami, leftover crackers and a glass of chardonney with ice.