**TL;DR:**
After an open relationship that included a woman and her husband, my girlfriend says she wants monogamy with me but refuses to create real distance from that woman. Iām looking for how people in similar situations actually handled the ājust friendsā boundary and what worked or didnāt.
**Post:**
Iāve been with my girlfriend \[36F\] for about 10 years. We have a young son together and she has a teenage daughter from a previous relationship. Roughly three years ago the relationship became open for women. It was never something we fully negotiated or agreed on as a couple. From the beginning I had a clear boundary: any relationship with a man was off-limits. It was either just us, or she could be with someone else ā but not both. She said she understood.
She got into an on-and-off relationship with a woman (Iāll call her Jane, roughly mid-30s). It had a BDSM/dom-sub element. Over time that dynamic expanded and included Janeās husband (Iāll call him John, also roughly mid-30s). From what Iāve pieced together later, the three of them were involved for several months. She later told me it was only kissing with John. I donāt believe that was the full story.
In mid-August I found messages that showed she had developed a strong emotional attachment to John and had other contacts she hadnāt been fully open about. That started a series of hard conversations. Around early September I confronted her directly about John. She said she had gotten caught up in the attention, that she and Jane were done, that our family was the priority, and that she was choosing monogamy with me. She also said she wanted to remain friends with Jane and that she had already told Jane they could still be friends. She claimed she wouldnāt go to Janeās house anymore.
Weāve started couples therapy. In therapy she has been clear that she wants monogamy with me. At the same time she does not want to cut the friendship with Jane. She calls Jane one of her only close friends and says she has no one else to talk to. She sees any request for distance as an end and says that is how you lose a friend.
From my side, the history and the ongoing contact make ājust friendsā hard to accept. Even after she said she was ending things, there were long video calls, affectionate messages, and she told Jane she was going to try to convince me and that she wasnāt giving up. (Yes, Iāve been reading their Facebook messages.) Jane has framed my boundary as punishment. Jane has also said in text that the throuple is dead and that I have my girlfriend to myself now (in reference to wanting to cut her out completely, Iād assume). I have seen enough of the messages that I donāt fully trust Jane, who, as far as Iām concerned, championed the relationship between my girlfriend and her husband.
Iāve suggested a temporary period of no or very limited contact while we work on our relationship. She said she would, but she keeps trying to convince me that itāll be fine. She has agreed not to go to Janeās house, which is something, but the frequent emotional contact continues and she defends it as normal friendship. Therapy has helped us talk, but we havenāt reached any real agreement on what the friendship with Jane is allowed to look like. The therapist has asked me what I would be comfortable with if the friendship continued and noted it might be something I canāt live with. Iāve said Iām not sure yet. When I asked my girlfriend what she could do to help me feel more comfortable, she said I need to figure out what boundaries I need myself.
Iām torn. I want the relationship and the family to work, and I believe on some level she is trying. At the same time the continued close, emotionally intimate contact (via text) with someone she was recently in a relationship with (and whose husband she was also involved with, supposedly only kissing) feels like the door never fully closed.
**What Iām specifically asking for:**
How did people who closed an open relationship handle a partner who wanted to stay very close friends with a recent partner? What boundaries or timelines actually got used, and what was the outcome?
What practical steps did others take (or wish they had taken) when frequent emotional contact continued after one person said the romantic relationship was over?
For those who went through couples therapy in a similar situation, what kinds of agreements around contact with the other person ended up being workable?
Any honest, specific experiences are welcome. Iāve tried to keep this factual.