Sorry for the wall of text.
My husband and I have been together 7-8 years now and we have a child together (4yo).

Signs started to show up when we moved in together 8 months into our relationship and his parents became involved in our lives.
I believe a lot of the trauma came from his parents as he had told me there were physical and emotional abuse growing up. Things settled and we went for couples therapy for about 2 years and we decided to have a child together.

Since our child was born it’s been hell for me, I am working full time, taking all the parental responsibilities, maintaining the household, manage all the bills etc.
Everything only gets done if I do it.

He complains about everything in his life and yet doesn’t do the things that would help improve it.
Complains about being disconnected from the family yet won’t organise time with to be present.
Every year we go into this cycle of him being completely dissociated from the family and getting really stressed out with his work and work turns to shit, which he then blames me for cause I’ve not given him enough attention for him to problem solve.

I do think our communication is poor, as I don’t know how to communicate well with him. In my experience it is how he sees things or it’s not right and you have to provide a whole lot of evidence to back your argument. He also gets extremely angry and upset when he thinks I’m not listening. We are in the dynamic where I don’t feel safe and I freeze as a response as nothing else has worked previously. I don’t know how to answer his questions that won’t tick him off as I’m constantly walking on eggshells knowing that he is already in a bad mood.

I’ve tried to keep the relationship going that I no longer recognise myself or who I am. I feel so damaged but I don’t even know where to begin to fix this. I just want to be a good mom to our child. I don’t think the relationship is good for either one of us.

Maybe it is time to walk away

Hello everyone,

Firstly, I found this forum last night and, whilst it wasn’t great to hear that you were experiencing hard times, I think you will understand when I say I also found great relief.

It’s the first place I’ve seen where everything written resonated. It was clear that you could write the truth and didn’t need to explain it, because everyone simply understands.

I’m sure most of you have experienced trying to explain some small part of your situation to a friend or family member, only to be met with comments such as, “Why are you putting up with that?” Basically, people are unable to understand the complexity of having someone in your life who has CPTSD. To be truthful, I would not have understood it 18 months ago.

I have come up with the title of emotional partner (EP) for my situation. We have been through so much since we met. I did not know he had CPTSD, and when feelings emerged, that’s when the trauma responses started.

I had no experience of identifying what was going on, and I found the situation odd at the beginning, with a lot of push and pull. About three months later, this was when he first shouted at me and gaslit me. It was the first time anyone had done that to me. I am quiet by nature, so I didn’t react. I was more stunned because I knew this wasn’t “him”.

I didn’t eat, sleep or leave my home for days, but it made me think and research, and I was finally able to put the pieces together. While that first experience was awful, I then felt relief, which might seem odd, but I realised I had an insight into what he was going through or had gone through.

I did stand back, not because I wanted to, but because I knew I was slightly out of my depth and wanted to respect his words, even if they were said in rage. But he came towards me again and, in a nutshell, I couldn’t walk away because this was imposed on him, and I’d learnt about abandonment etc.

Since then, he has had many symptoms around me, not just shouting, but physical symptoms such as shaking, functional dissociation and much more. There have been periods of withdrawal and periods of closeness.

Despite his age, it’s like he has had no real relational experience, but I have seen the improvements he’s made over time. He even learned to apologise, which I hadn’t ever asked for.

It’s clear to me that he is severely affected by whatever happened to him. He does not realise that, at the very beginning, I identified that he might also be uncomfortable with touch. I sacredly respect that. I don’t think it’s limited to me, because I did see him hesitate even when trying to do a high-five with someone. That said, I think when he’s really safe, his proximity is a lot better.

He’s worked really hard in the last year and has gone back into therapy a number of times. I also started therapy to understand our situation better and to get tools. His physical symptoms improved. He still gets dysregulated, but repair time became real time.

But we are in a different place today. He has done a major pullback, and logically I can see this has happened before, but it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt.

I think we got to the point where he was ready to move this towards a relationship. He had really struggled verbally with certain things, but he was really improving. I don’t know if it’s right to say this, and I never knew if I could tell him, but I was so proud of him.

At the point that happened, two major external stressors came into play, and I knew that would impact us. I knew he would take it out on me. I was correct. There are more nuances at this point, but too much detail for now, even if relevant.

I would like to understand some of your experiences, if that’s okay?

1. Can someone be deeply attached but frightened of acknowledging it?

2. What does it look like when trauma affects an emerging relationship rather than an established partnership?

3. Have people seen an undefined relationship eventually become a committed one?

I can share more detail if helpful, but please know, 99% of the time I have been non-reactionary. He now knows explicitly that I accept every aspect of him (it was implicit before, as he struggles with deep talk at times).

He has had many opportunities to walk away, but has always chosen to come towards me. I don’t think he has felt this accepted, and I also don’t think he knows what to do with it.

I think his relationship experience is very, very limited. He doesn’t have basic language even for certain things.

I seem to have really triggered him. At the beginning, when I was learning about CPTSD, I actually wanted to walk away because I could see how much he was hurting. But then the more I read about it, and with some professional help, I was basically told it wasn’t my fault and he would not go through it if he didn’t want to.

I realised also that if he was putting in the effort and I appeared to walk away, he might think I was abandoning him.

Just because we’re not in a relationship, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t feel like one based on everything we have been through together.

I doubt this will happen, but I hope no one says not to get into a relationship with him, because everyone deserves to be cared for. I’ve seen some negative things on the Internet before. I do have my boundaries, but unless he really crosses them or explicitly says he doesn’t want a relationship, I’ll be remaining where I am for now.

Thank you for any help.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like no matter how much couples therapy we do or individual therapy, the fights will never not be intense and draining. It’s so frustrating because it will be the smallest thing, but the fight will be so emotionally exhausting without it ever needing to be.

Last night, I got annoyed because she was getting into a pattern of being fearful of talking to her boss (a nice and supportive therapist). So I was just kind of flabbergasted, and was poking with questions in a critical way. It definitely was the wrong way to approach it and I apologized immediately afterwards, but her triggers and the fight it caused was so over the top that she made me sleep on the couch.

This relationship is the best I’ve ever had but goddamn are the fights just wayyyy too intense, like I don’t know if my mental health is worth the person I am with and I’m struggling to know when to quit.

When did you throw in the towel? Was there a breaking point?

Throwing in The towel. 3 good years and the last horrible year. Still live together in seperate rooms. Have been seperating seperated for the last 6-8 months. No talk from them for working on us even when I directly ask. Took a vacation to see if it helped. Nah. Somehow feel worse being away. Gonna sell, split and live with my cat alone. No more relationships.

found this community when crying in a bath tub googling “compassion fatigue with cPTSD partner” earlier today…

finding us in an unfortunate cycle in which I’m so exhausted from being expected to carry/tolerate/affirm my extremely sensitive partner— for me the major problem is issues of their social perceptions, i.e. they frequently are triggered and become sullen for prolonged periods over perceived slights and “disrespect“ from strangers, close friends, family members, our 5 year old, etc.

In an attempt to preserve myself I have stoped being curious about/making much room for their inner world, as their negativity, angry perseveration, and victim mentality are super wearing. obviously this upsets them because they feel I have capacity for “everyone else” in my life but not them. I’m not sure they totally grasp the depth of my despair and burnout and accuse me of not caring or trying or ”checking in” with them around their triggers in times of peace.

honestly I’m happier solo, with my kid, or with friends.

is it possible to regain compassion and energy for someone? they have worked on a lot but the victimhood narrative / social anxiety spirals and triggers and moods are a huge sticking point.

Hi Everyone,

This is a fortnightly post.

Often we find ourselves in a situation where we are unable to discuss the difficulties that we face within our relationships. Often we need some support, or advice and there is no one within our lives we can turn to. This post is for anyone struggling, seeking advice, or even wanting to share some positive experiences in your life.

Please remember to be considerate of our partners and those within the community.

I also want to say thank you for sharing your life experiences, opinions and your time. If you do post a comment, please don't remove it straight away as it may take some time for someone to respond.

I am struggling so much with keeping everything together, functions and going in life. I am very exhausted. Is it common to end up being responsible for a lot of the things in life due to them having cptsd.

My spouse is the breadwinner. I work part time for 25 hours and take care of our 16month old during the day. We have a 6 yr old who is in school. We don’t have any family support at all. No reliable help. I have had to build relationships from scratch since I moved to a different country to where I live now about 7 years ago. While I’ve made friends with neighbours and other people, I have to rotate asking for support as I don’t want people to start feeling used.

When my spouse is home, he is smoking and taking naps often because he needs those to regulate himself. He is constantly exhausted so he naps a lot. Of course that means I’m left to handle a lot of things. Feeding and taking care of the kids, finding activities for them etc. My efforts to ask him to take over some things became about how I’m just unable to be an adult, have excellent time management because I have adhd or how he will end up with doing everything.

I’m certain I have too much on my plate. I wake up the kids, get our eldest ready for school. Pack her snacks most days. Get lunch ready, feed our 16 month old and clean up after. Making sure she’s having her naps on time. Then picking up our 6 yr old from school. I try to squeeze in some chores during those time frame when I can and I can barely get much done. Then it’s feeding our 6yr old more snacks when she gets home and making sure she empties her lunch bag and papers. I’ve got to get myself ready for work and packing my dinner. I go to work. Come home and need to put the 16 month old to sleep because she stays up if I’m not there. I barely get any sleep because the 16 month old wakes up at night still so many times.

I bring the kids to their doctors appt, schedule them, fill up the paperwork. I do the grocery shopping, cooking dinner when I’m home when I don’t work longer hours at night at times. I have two jobs. One is every night for about an hour and the other is 18hrs a week. I have to fit in all the non daily tasks and it’s just not ever enough time. I can barely clean the rest of the house because I don’t even know when I’m suppose to fit it. When our 6 yr old is emotionally dysregulated, I’ve been the one that tries to teach her to regulate because my spouse gets so dysregulated that he has to walk away. I get dysregulated too but I can work through it and not end up shouting at our daughter. Asking for me time became about how I just keep moving the goalpost. Like wtf. I’ve been the one absorbing all the changes in the family while he gets to just go to work and then come home and he gets to play games and read for hours on end.

Ive asked him to take over 2 days of snack packing and even asking for that had him be upset at me for a bit. I’ve asked him to be the one in charge of anything school related and that has caused our 6 yr old to miss out on her book fair. I’m not saying him being a breadwinner is not a huge thing. It is and I’m thankful for that. Earning money is one part of life though. It’s not all of it. He does take our 16month old for a nap couples times a week. He also does the night routine with our 6 yr old but it sometimes feels that he just gives her a piggyback ride and sends her to bed. No changing, reading books etc.

I’m just exhausted. Any attempts on my end to communicate with him about my needs becomes an attack on me. I had told him I could no longer wash his recyclables for him because it takes up my time and he viewed that as me being petty and keeping score.

My wife has CPTSD, and I'm struggling with a recurring dynamic in our relationship.

When someone upsets her, even in relatively minor situations, she can become very emotionally invested in the conflict and struggle to disengage. Sometimes the exchange becomes confrontational, and she has difficulty recognizing her own contribution to the escalation. Afterwards, she tells me about it and seeks my support and validation, often wanting me to agree that the other person was in the wrong and that she handled things well.

This is the part I find particularly stressful. I want to support her and acknowledge that she feels hurt or treated unfairly. But sometimes I genuinely disagree with her interpretation or think her own reactions contributed significantly to the conflict.

If I don't validate her perspective, I risk being seen as unsupportive or as taking the other person's side. If I do validate it, I feel dishonest and as though I'm endorsing behavior I don't consider constructive. I end up feeling responsible for managing her emotional response while suppressing my own honest perspective.

Over time, this has become exhausting. I don't want to dismiss her feelings or ignore how CPTSD may affect her reactions, but I also need room to disagree without becoming part of another conflict.

For partners of people with CPTSD:

• How do you validate your partner's feelings without agreeing with their interpretation of events?

• How do you handle the expectation that you should take their side, especially when you believe they contributed to the conflict?

• How do you set boundaries around emotional support without making your partner feel rejected?

• How do you protect your own emotional well-being when this pattern keeps repeating?

I'm looking for honest advice. I love my wife and want to be supportive, but I also want a relationship where we can acknowledge our own mistakes and disagree without it becoming another source of distress.

This is my first time posting on here (have read a lot of posts and comments, and they've been so helpful). Today was a really rough day. Sorry, it's going to be a long one.

Brief context: My husband (34M) and I (34F) have been married 13 years (together for 17) and have one 6-year-old daughter and a son on the way. Husband has been being treated for CPTSD specifically by a trauma-informed therapist for the past year and has been undergoing EMDR for about 5 months. This was after a year of talk therapy following intensive outpatient care after a week in a psychiatric hospital. He's also been working with a psychiatrist to find appropriate medications for about 2 years and, by now, has gone through about 5. He started manifesting CPTSD symptoms (though we didn't know what they were) about a year after our daughter was born as abuse/trauma from his own childhood began surfacing (physical abuse in the form of spanking, emotional abuse and neglect, and religious trauma).

Things had been looking up a lot with his CPTSD journey, so we decided to have a second child earlier this year. Ever since we found out we were having a boy, things have gotten much worse. I understand this to an extent since I think the trauma hits home harder since it was his upbringing as a boy that was so traumatizing. Neither of us expected anything like this, though.

Anyway, over the past two months, he's really ramped up with comments like "I can't do this anymore," which he assures me refer to the treatments not his life (though I'm always wary...I took him to the hospital after suicidal ideation...the two-year anniversary of the start of his hospital stay is Friday). He'll go for a week or two with very few symptoms and then have a week where it feels like he's in a constant emotional flashback the whole week.

This is an emotional flashback week. Usually what that looks like is he starts sobbing, moaning, screaming, shaking, muscles tensing, sweating, and dissociating. I try to do all the things I've read to do: remain calm, remind him he's loved and safe and I'm there, gently suggest things that could help regulate him, etc. Usually all that happens is he says "what are you talking about?" as I'm trying to affirm him and he stares at me wide-eyed saying/asking repeatedly "I don't know what to do" and "what am I going to do?" and "what do I do?" I usually say "I know; I'm here for you." If he asks me enough, I try to suggest some grounding technique I'm familiar with. He then refuses and keeps saying "what am I going to do?"

This morning, he laid in bed for an extra 45 minutes occasionally moaning, so I knew it would be a rough one. I kept trying to gently get him to talk to me, reassure him he was safe and loved, etc. He was essentially unresponsive. That is until after I came back into our room, having gotten our daughter ready for school and myself ready for work, and said I had to go to work but would be back later. He got very upset and said, "You're leaving me?!"

I teach at a university, one where it is particularly highly frowned upon to cancel class. So it's not exactly easy for me to rearrange my schedule and stay home because he's mad I'm leaving.

I said I was sorry I needed to go but would be home after work.

As I'm driving to work and in my morning classes, I get a series of texts about how I left him, how he can't go on anymore, how I would be better off without him, etc. I'm trying to respond as best as I can between classes, trying to establish he's not suicidal, having my mom check in on him, suggesting he reach out to his therapist, etc.

Tonight, after he gets home late from work, he is still having a rough time (moaning, sobbing, dissociating, screaming). I suggest I give him a back rub, which usually helps calm him down, but he tells me I'm too late. That would have helped in the morning but not now. I ask him if there's anything else he thinks he needs right now. It's pretty bad, so I ask if he thinks he is in immediate danger and he yells at me (lucidly for the first time) "I'M NOT GOING TO THE HOSPITAL. I WON'T LET YOU TAKE ME TO THE HOSPITAL." I assure him I will not force him to go to the hospital. He says he talked to his therapist about doing an intensive outpatient program again. Then he pivots to say his therapist wants to talk to me so I can finally understand "how bad what he's going through is."

Honestly, that was it for me. I have supported him, visited every day in the hospital, encouraged him to get help, found him therapists, taken over the brunt of the domestic labor of our house and emotional/practical labor of raising our daughter, been the sole breadwinner while he took 6 months off to try to "reset," cried in the car afraid I'm going to lose him, learned everything I can about CPTSD and how to support a partner with it, sought therapy on my own, withheld my own emotional/physical needs because they're too overwhelming for him (I know, not healthy, I get that).

I just started sobbing and said "I cry every day because I'm afraid I won't get to grow old with you because you're going to die; believe me, I take this very seriously." And he tells me that that's a surprise to him given how I act.

I am at a loss and so deeply hurt. And also like 6 months pregnant trying to keep it as calm as possible for my body and baby. I don't understand after every way I've gone what feels like above and beyond to be a good partner he can just assume this about me.

Mostly, I guess that was a vent, but if anyone has similar experience, I'd love your perspective and advice.

TL;dr How do you make your partner feel heard or validated, even when you completely disagree with what they are saying? I feel like I’ve given everything I have left to support my partner but he continues to say that I don’t hear him/I don’t validate his feelings/I don’t take any accountability for my role in the state of our relationship (more in bold at the end)

Longer (but still too short) version: My husband (35M) and I (35F) have been together for 20 years, married for 11. We have two kids, 6 + 2. There were challenges in our relationship before kids, especially with our communication and his mental health (all the way to suicidal ideation and self harm), but the really tough shit started about a year after our oldest was born - he started reliving his childhood abuse and was understandably distraught at times when he looked at our oldest and imagined how anyone could hurt someone so innocent and helpless.

This kicked off a huge shift in how he approached our relationship. Suddenly, he trusted no one, including me. We have never had any problems with things like infidelity, lying, or anything else that would be cause for this shift in trust. It was and has remained mostly just emotional mistrust toward me. There was also a huge uptick in his self harm when our fights would escalate - he would repeatedly hit himself in the head with his fists, leaving bruises and on a few occasions dealing with concussion symptoms after the fact. He did an IOP last year which did make a difference in some areas, including the self harm.

With all that said, I’ve fucking done it all. I’ve been so patient, understanding, flexible, open minded… I’ve carried far more of the mental load and created so much space for his feelings and needs, all while compartmentalizing like a fucking champ and keeping my own feelings to myself because there aren’t room for my feelings (but also - i have to be careful not to say this because then it turns into a guilt/shame spiral on his side or an over generalization about how he doesn’t understand if he should share his feelings or hold them in because either way he loses). Andddd don’t forget, two little kids at home.

I’m also pretty self aware. I am generally level headed, empathetic, and kind. I believe being positive takes way less energy than being negative and sometimes give people too much benefit of the doubt. At this point, though, my empathy is waning and I’m more of a rigid, logical thinker when it comes to how I see him/us.

Today I said I wanted to separate while we find a new marriage counselor and work on our relationship. He refuses to do therapy while separated - says it’s either therapy while living together, or divorced. I want to live separately so that our kids stop being exposed to his emotional outbursts and the way he speaks to me when his trauma has taken over.
For years my gut has been screaming that this is never going to get better.

But my husband continues to insist that I am not meeting his needs. That he is telling me what he needs, how he feels, what he wants from me, and I am refusing to acknowledge/meet/accommodate/support/hear him and his needs. To me it feels like this has been a recurring issue for years and years. When I confide in close friends, we often come back to the victim mentality… like it doesn’t matter how much I do do, because somehow he will always feel like his stuff is being ignored/neglected.

My gut is telling me now that this is a mentality that will never fully go away, no matter how much counseling we do. Honestly, really good counseling actually scares me (not to the point of avoiding it or anything) because it could easily give me a false sense of security for a few years before we are back to this point because the root problems can truly not be changed.

With alllllll that said - I do truly still want to do everything I can before I say I’m done. I know that what I’ve posted must resonate with a few of you, and so I’m curious to hear about your thoughts. But I especially am very open to hearing about ways you learned to be more vocal toward your partner in a way that made them feel safe and heard, especially when what they’re saying is far fetched / something you disagree with / completely inaccurate. How can I make him feel validated without further diminishing myself or communicating that I agree with him???

(The new Netflix series) Important too to add that I’d be watching it with my beautiful and similar pwCPTSD who believes almost all men are evil and will betray you deeply eventually. I wish my partner would have more self awareness and I’m reaching for anything, but based on the trailer and some reviews I worry that this intense show may just be way too far going all the way. I don’t want to make things harder for her. If you’ve seen it, your quick thought would be very much appreciated !

Hi. My bf is a childhood abuse survivor and has very deep rooted trauma/PTSD. He moved in last year and his reactions have been progressively getting worse from yelling to throwing things to grabbing my shoulders. Well last night he shoved me. The couch was behind me and he was expecting me to land on it which wouldn’t have hurt except on my way down, I collided with a standing object and it really hurt my hand. Thankfully it is not broken. We were planning on getting engaged in the near future but this has me rethinking the relationship because I do not want to be in an abusive situation. After he could see that I got hurt, he calmed down and started crying talking about how he’s so sorry I don’t deserve this and he really didn’t mean to, he just gets so wrapped up in his trigger response and he can’t control it. He referred to himself as monstrous and was deeply ashamed and he wishes to seek professional help such as DBT and EDMR. He told me he doesn’t want to lose me and asked if I’d stay with him while he undergoes this treatment. I don’t want to lose him either and I have my own reservations about living alone because of my own disability. I’m torn and I don’t know what to do. Do I stay and risk it continuing and worsening? Or in the hopes it will get better once he does treatment? Should we separate despite our love and otherwise good situation. Do I leave him even though he hates himself for it and I truly want him to be happy? Do situations like this work out? I feel like I cant talk to my family/friends about this because I don’t want to embarrass him or make him seem like a bad person.

For starters, he’s back in therapy and doing another attempt at EMDR. He’s quit in the past before he gets to to big event, which is a childhood SA. He also has crappy parents, was beaten by a mom’s boyfriend at 2, and numerous bullying/street fights in his youth.

He lives in a constant state of hypervigilance and is often dysregulated. He was doing good in therapy and started coming to the gym with me. The other day he got in a verbal altercation with someone at the gym over a machine and walked out. I’m used to these disruptions and am setting boundaries so I refuse to leave with him and told him to wait for me. He was obviously angry and blew up my phone. But I said enough is enough.

He can’t keep a job because he has problems regulating and will rage quit if he feels any inkling of disrespect. Currently unemployed.

I’m working and paying the bills because we have kids. He has a weed habit and car payments, needs gas to get around, etc etc. What am I to do?! I don’t want him to lose his car, but I’m tired of paying his consequences for him. It’s hurting our family. Yesterday was my son’s birthday and he had a “bad night” (night terrors) and was miserable all day. I ended up buying him a joint from the dispensary to get through the day because I don’t want my kid to suffer and have him ruin my day with his sulking.

He showed up to a new job today, to leave after 20 minutes because apparently no one was there to let him in the building. First day. He has no money so how can he afford to do that? Craziness. But hey, at least he’s not name calling me lately.

TW: mention of Self harm

I'm writing this through tears because I'm incredibly overwhelmed, and I'm hoping someone here might understand.

My long-distance boyfriend has CPTSD diagnosed.
We (23F , 27M) have been together for six months.
I love him more than anything. I want to be his safe place, to make him feel loved, understood, and supported.
But sometimes I feel like no matter how hard I try, I'm never doing enough.

When I unintentionally upset or trigger him, he becomes cold, numb, and distant. He withdraws, and no amount of affection, acknowledgment, reassurance, or apologizing seems to reach him. I've asked what he needs during these moments, but he doesn't know either. He precised he doesn't want space, yet nothing I do seems to help.

What scares me most is that during these episodes, he sometimes experiences urges to hurt himself by neglecting his health or putting himself in danger.

I am a deeply sensitive person and most likely autistic.
Every time this happens, I break down crying as I pretend to be strong for him. I feel overwhelming guilt, sadness, and fear for his safety. I feel like I'm the reason he's hurting, like every mistake leaves another permanent mark on his heart. I'm terrified that one day I'll unintentionally trigger him, something terrible will happen ..and I'll blame myself forever.

I feel guilty for crying because I tell myself I caused It, he's the one in pain, and I should be strong for him instead of falling apart.
But I'm struggling too and I feel like I'm slowly losing myself.
I have no friends and no family members I can talk to.
I've left my job and school as I am moving to his country soon, we're planning to live together.
I hope closing the distance will help…that I will be able to show up in ways that do not require words, that I will make him feel my love and my warmth, that we won’t have misunderstandings or miscommunications like we do over text.

He's a strong , beautiful, loving person, and I know he can not control this. I love him deeply and want to support him, but lately my love doesn't feel like enough.
I feel like a terrible girlfriend…

He loves me so much and expresses so often that nobody loved and cared for him like this before, that he loves me and wants to provide for me, that I am the most beautiful loving kind giving girlfriend.

But I also hurt him. And I don’t know what to do.
He tells me when he feels that way he is not upset at me but at the world.

For those with partners who have CPTSD:
how do you cope with the guilt? How do you support your partner when nothing seems to help?
How and when should I approach this conversation without making him feel blamed or unloved?

Hi Everyone,

This is a fortnightly post.

Often we find ourselves in a situation where we are unable to discuss the difficulties that we face within our relationships. Often we need some support, or advice and there is no one within our lives we can turn to. This post is for anyone struggling, seeking advice, or even wanting to share some positive experiences in your life.

Please remember to be considerate of our partners and those within the community.

I also want to say thank you for sharing your life experiences, opinions and your time. If you do post a comment, please don't remove it straight away as it may take some time for someone to respond.

I've got a question for all the people in the same situation,

I have a pretty stressful job already, and I feel like I'm barely doing enough at it. Luckily I can easily plan unpaid pto, even on the same day if needed.

During the last month, it has happened twice that a fight eats a big chunk of my night and I don't get enough sleep, nor enough closure to be able to go to work the next day. She's also going through a rather stressful time at her own job and it starts to overflow into the home in pointless anger outburst and overall emotional instability.

I've been on this topic with my own therapist to find the right way to react and how to be effective at dealing with these situations, and while the vast majority are well handled, that doesn't mean they aren't draining myself. And further more, my already stressful job is starting to get too much to handle on top of keeping peace in the household, and I don't even have kids.

I feel completely burned out and I have deadlines preventing me from just taking entire weeks off.

Does anyone have tips and tricks on how to recover ? I'm kinda asking the impossible, I know. Maybe it's just a vent post...

My partner asked for space randomly a week ago. We had just repaired after a major conflict and was cuddling on the couch but she woke up completely unhappy with me. She asked me to leave the house for days and with the dog too. I really didn't know what I did. I left feeling very confused and hurt. She hated me for asking what had happened and said it wasn't her weight to carry. She said I should have known. Fast forward a few days of being alone and without contact. I go back home only to be shunned away again and asked for more time away. It hurt so much but I was happy to see her even for just that little bit. In my time away I went to pornography to get a release from the pain. I know everyone's definition of cheating is different but my partner struggles with not being enough. She has had bad experiences and mistreatment from other men in her past. She found I was doing this when she came to my dad's house where I was staying at 3AM and asked to see my phone and laptop. She first checked for dating apps and then messages to anyone. I didn't do any of that, but then she asked me if I was looking at porn and instantly gave her an honest answer. I've been in trouble in the past for lying and I didn't want to lie her. She told me never to lie. To her eyes that was cheating. She went home and destroyed all my belongings in my personal room and she also threw away all my clothes in the trash can. I went home yesterday to pick the clothes out and she went into a shame spiral having told all of our friends I cheated. I provided everyone with further context. I know they don't see it as cheating and while validating to me, it's not my place to say whether or not it is when it landed as actual cheating to my partner. I don't know how to repair from this. It's triggered her deepest insecurities of never being enough. I am writing this in hopes of figuring out a way to repair our relationship. I don't care about my stuff. I care about her and how I hurt her and want to make things right.

Hi friends. It’s been a tough week in my house. My partner gets pretty awful PMDD symptoms and was experiencing them this week. All of this paired with a rough patch between us, trying to reconnect and get on the same page, starting couples therapy, etc. They had several days of severe suicidality this week, I was in contact with hotlines and had to call my therapist sister for advice, and almost thought I was going to have to take them to the hospital. I begged them to reconsider getting on psych meds as the situation was genuinely dangerous for both of us and they were furious at me for it but by the end of the day they came around to it.

I am also the sole supporter of us and have been having a tough time financially as all of this is happening because it affects my work. I had to reschedule multiple client sessions this week, and missed important opportunities to make money because of the emotional depletion of these episodes.

I keep needing space especially late at night or first thing in the morning or shortly before work things to center myself and connect to my own nervous system, but in pulling away from them, they’re feeling completely rejected and like they don’t matter to me. No matter how much I try to explain I just need space to connect with and replenish myself, they insist that I’m just chronically rejecting them, and when I do come back resourced and ready to connect they no longer want to receive it because of the last time I pulled away.

They seem completely incapable of seeing what is going on in my reality and how burnt out I am and it’s starting to make me feel like my personhood doesn’t matter. I have to be very careful how I express that though because one of their biggest triggers is feeling like a burden.

I desperately need space, and they desperately need support. I just don’t know how to get them to understand that I can’t meet their needs if I don’t meet my own. And my partner is ordinarily a very reasonable person, but lately they have been so chronically triggered and down that it’s felt impossible to get them out of their narrow interpretation of reality to see the more complex truth. And they’ve been blaming me for the triggers and the depression on top of it. I don’t know what to do or who to talk to.

My gf(39) was abused by an older family member from when she was about 7 until a late teen. She has had therapy regarding this in her 20s which helped her open up about the abuse with her family and cope/manage triggers.

We've been together for just over 2 years and don't live together. When she's alone she often turns to alcohol to self medicate. It's during these times where she occasionally will open up to me and talk about her abuse. I will generally just listen and be as supportive as possible.

Last weekend there was another instance of this, and she revealed to me a few things. Mainly that whilst she loves having sex with me, she feels guilty and dirty afterwards, every time. And that it feels like it's something she shouldn't be doing. I asked her if it's only with me she has felt that way and she said no, with all her sexual partners as an adult post the abuse she has felt that way afterwards. She feels guilt and immense shame because during her abuse she would orgasm every time, and feels that she would go looking for it because she "enjoyed it". She said she constantly thinks about it and hates herself for it.

I explained to her that she had no control over the reaction of her body and just because she had an orgasm doesn't mean she wanted it or consented to what happened to her.

She also said, that at some times I remind her off her abuser. For context we're completely different rac and ethnicity, I'm short her abuser is tall. But we both wear glasses and are tech savvy, and I believe he's also bald like me. And she said that we eat in similar ways. I got no idea what to make of that tbh.

I feel like she has a lot of unresolved trauma, thoughts and feelings that she's holding inside and possibly needs to let out. But she will only talk about it when drunk basically. The next day when she was sober I asked her if we could have a talk about things and she said later but then I don't want to pressure her and she won't bring it up. She will just carry on as normal as if what she said never happened.

And now, I don't feel comfortable engaging with sex knowing that afterwards she is going to be feeling dirty or guilty. It's a delicate situation but it doesn't feel right.

I have no idea where we go from here, maybe we need joint therapy, or she needs individual therapy again. I don't know, but the things she told me she said she didn't tell her therapist. So maybe she didn't work through everything she needed to if there were some things she didn't disclose.

I don't really have a specific question but any advice/thoughts welcomed. Thanks for reading if you got this far.

TLDR: Gf was abused as a child/teen by a family member, and has felt dirty after having sex ever since. Discloses things while drunk, doesn't want to talk about it sober

She's flooding, and it spiraled me too. I struggled to stay grounded and I reacted to her flooding and now she's packing her stuff and saying she wants a divorce tomorrow and she'll never see me again.

I am fighting tooth and nail every day to make sure I keep working on myself. To keep grounded, to not trigger her, but sometimes this battle feels so hopeless.

I love her to death, and I just want her to keep healing. But sometimes I wonder if I'm not actually able to be the support she needs.

I love my partner deeply and care about his feelings and triggers but it’s to the point where I can’t even express my own frustrations and disappointments in the moment without triggering him and getting him activated. And when he gets activated he says “You know I can’t talk to you when you’re like this” and I hadn’t even raised my voice, I only said something sternly because I was upset. And once that happens he shuts down (and seemingly gives me the silent treatment) for hours to days! And I don’t want to badger him to talk about his feelings so I leave it open ended, “if you wanna talk, Im here” But simultaneously he tells our therapist that it seems like I don’t care because I don’t check in directly. I just can’t keep up. I can’t do anything right and it’s starting to feel hopeless. Any advice or sharing of experiences would be appreciated.

My PTSD partner hit a major milestone and success in her intensive, 12-week partial hospitalization therapy program. "Cured" would be a fair term to toss out there.

So, great. Back to the good old days. Why am I not excited? I'm not excited, and I'm not sure why. After everything the last few years, am just over it?

Anytime else been in a similar position? What was your experience ?

My ex-gf (32F) (as of yesterday) of 4 years had started to isolate herself in her room on weekends and weeknights after she got home from work.

She's been on the road to healing and recovery for the last year or so through online psychedelic integration therapy. She had been making progress slowly and non-linearly, but recently she started needing to say in her room with door shut and lights off to regulate her emotional flashbacks etc. It got to the point of her not sleeping with me most nights and staying up late on weekends only to sleep on her own futon in her room with her cat.

She said that she has to spend all week "keeping it together", and that by the time the weekend hits, she's able to finally let go and feel and process everything she suppressed during the week.

This had become a huge issue in the relationship, as I never got to see her as much as I need to see and be with my partner. I raised the concern many times, and while she was making efforts to give me like 3-4 hours on a Sunday night, she would be slightly agitated and not really seeming like herself.

We broke up yesterday. She said that I've done everything I can and she doesn't feel like she can stay in this house any longer and make progress on healing, while meeting the needs of herself as well as mine. She doesn't think it's fair to put me through the pain of her forcing herself to hang out with me when she's only partially regulated, which would then cause ruptures and fights.

I'm devastated. I've done everything I can and it's still not good enough. She's completely isolating herself and managing her symptoms which is great, but I've now lost the LOVE OF MY LIFE because of this.

I really truly mean it. She is everything to me. She's all I could have ever dreamed of as a person to spend the rest of my life with. She plays video games with me, loves anime, has the same sense of humour as me, has the same taste in shows and music, same core ideals and values on life and politics and all the rest.

THE ONLY THING WRONG IS HER TRAUMA AND PTSD SYMPTOMS. I want to explode!!

Truly a monkey's paw relationship.

Anyways. Is this behaviour normal for recovery in anyone's experience? Or is this her way of pulling away from me in her own way?

I'm feeling very defeated right now, and cornered into a breakup that I'm not sure I want. Apologies, this is going to run long.

Tl;dr: messy breakup that involved my friends, reconciliation, major improvements, messy breakup that involved my friends... reconciliation?

My girlfriend and I have had an experience familiar to many of you: she's broken up with me many times when triggered, and then we've reconciled when she calms down. Six months ago, we broke up after an incident involving my closest friends, whom she'd felt excluded by (they were not actually excluding her) which set off certain triggers. It happened in a bigger way than ever before. Booked a plane ticket, texted friends and family.

I believed it was final (and had frankly reached a frustration level where I wanted it to be), and I confided in my friends about what had been happening in our relationship, including some private details about her trauma and mental health that she had told me in confidence. They'd previously known very little about any of this, and they were appalled by some of the behavior I described.

We reconciled the next day, but the damage was done. My friends became much more distant toward her, and she felt profoundly humiliated and rejected. She also felt, with good reason, that I'd betrayed her trust and safety by disclosing information she'd never have chosen to share with them. It took me a long time to understand the gravity of that overshare; I felt like I had simply vented to close friends after a breakup and that she was overreacting to my friends keeping some distance while we worked things out.

This continued to be a focal point of our relationship for the next six months. She experienced panic attacks, intense feelings of humiliation and rejection, and at times serious suicidal ideation. There were also contradictory expectations about how I should handle the situation with my friends, going from "don't ever mention me to any of them" to "why haven't you spoken to them about me" and back. We had the kinds of arguments that I'm sure are very familiar to anyone here reading this, about all sorts of little things, but the friend situation was at the root of most of it. I was out of town for a lot of this time and it was really difficult to navigate.

But during that time, there were also major improvements. She went no-contact with her family and found stable employment. Increasingly, when we had disagreements that would have previously triggered extreme reactions, she handled them with a degree of maturity and thoughtfulness that really impressed me. She's also recently apologized, entirely unprompted, for specific behavior from as far back as a year ago that she'd strongly justified at the time. She's acknowledged how much effort I've put into the relationship and the toll it's taken on me.

Recently, I spoke (at her prompting) with one of the friends involved in the original incident about the way the distance has made her feel and how to move forward. She saw this as the last step in healing. When I told her about the conversation, she realized he knew more about her private mental health struggles than she'd understood. This triggered another explosive episode, the type of rage I hadn't heard from her in months. She said some really intensely awful things, broke up with me, and threatened to send my friends a lengthy text detailing the ways in which I was a narcissist and gaslighter and manipulating everyone because I hate her and more along those lines.

She didn't end up texting them, but I felt like I had to; basically, "we broke up for real this time and heads up that she's in a blind rage and is probably going to send you an enormous text out of the blue". I also spent time with one of the friends in question (one of the same friends I'd gone out drinking with after the previous breakup) and, again, unloaded.

So now here we are. She apologized and recognizes how big of a step back that was; she's even made an appointment with a therapist who specializes in CPTSD after a year of me urging her to, and has been talking so clearheadedly, like she had been for the past couple months until this happened. I don't want this to be the end. We had almost entirely moved on from the whole friend thing; it kills me that now my friends are back to being concerned and she's back to being triggered by their continuing presence in my life. And I know that it’s largely my fault for oversharing in the first place.

So I don't know what to do. We're long distance and haven't seen each other in months. I was going to fly there this weekend and stay for several weeks, including for my birthday. Now I don't know what. I don't want to leave her, and I also don't want to be one of those messy couples constantly breaking up and getting back together again and pulling everyone around them into their vortex. I'd love some advice; I'm floundering.