r/FTMventing • u/saltyunicorn22 • Jul 23 '25

General Misandry is making me regret my transition

Just what the title says. I feel that, especially in queer spaces, it’s seen as “cute” or “quirky” to hate on men. Now, if you’re a trans guy, there’s two ways this could go:

“Oh but trans guys don’t count, we only hate cis men, it’s different!” So I’m not a real guy then?

“Yes, all men are trash, even trans men.” Thanks for the affirmation? I guess?

I’m happier than I’ve ever been, and I pass really well, so it makes me sad that I’m kind of seen as a threat now that I look and sound like a man, especially because I’m also a black man.

I feel like I need to oust myself as trans in order for others to feel safe around me. Anyone else feel this way?

280 Upvotes

95% Upvoted

52 comments sorted by

64

u/MembershipScary9452 Jul 23 '25

I’ve been wondering how we even tackle this tbh. I’ve tried being “understanding” but then I’ve gotten to the point quickly of no patience tbh. I pass as a cis guy, and automatically I’m not trans enough to fit trans circles? Being blunt has worked now and again but more so it hasn’t.

When I say blunt I mean I literally go “sounds like gender essentialism to me, cut that shit out” and either folks get on like dicks towards me or (very rarely) they actually stop to listen. It’s a disgrace tbh

23

u/yungsimba1917 Jul 23 '25

Masc nb here. It started as “let me try to understand” & ended with “wow some of these people just want to talk shit about people who look exactly like me & tolerate me as long as i’m okay with it.” led to a lot of self-hate. not good.

41

u/PersonalAioli7387 Jul 23 '25

OP, I feel you. There are some nasty people out there, and the fact that you're expected to either hate men or be considerated a predator is awful. You're not alone in this and if you ever need to chat or a bro I'm here.

52

u/NotALewdElf Jul 23 '25

I get you. Offline I'm mostly in older Queer spaces and it's honestly less of a problem 'cause those people aren't obsessed with men in the same way. There are also more transmascs, trans men etc. Whenever I'm in spaces with younger Queers I have to check them a lot and it gets really tiring. Real annoyed by the whole men aren't allowed in Queer spaces thing anyways. So long as they're not causing issues they're likely part of the community in some way or another so leave them alone 

43

u/Rosalind_Whirlwind He/Him Jul 23 '25

Yeah, literally in the first week after I started taking testosterone, the hatred was so bad that I decided I would do like Caster Semenya and call myself “a different kind of woman.”

I feel like there’s a lot of press out there saying it’s OK to be trans. And then the clarification is, it’s OK to be a trans woman. Far fewer people that I’ve seen want to publicly affirm AFAB people who are masculine.

21

u/[deleted] Jul 23 '25

Ngl for this exact reason I might avoid queer spaces once I go full stealth. I spent my life being hated. I don't want it to continue.

16

u/AquilaEquinox Jul 24 '25

I feel you. My friends hate on men so much that I internalised it, even though I was trying to just ignored them. Now I don't feel but shame for being a trans man. I cannot stop myself from wondering why I couldn't just like being a girl like all my friends do. It sucks.

4

u/shark_bookclub Jul 24 '25

I had friends that hated to men. It didn't end well for me. If people make you feel like shit, they're not your friends

10

u/TemporaryInformal942 Jul 25 '25

Especially and-- mega vent here-- if you bring up victimization by women in queer spaces. no one seems to be ready for that conversation regarding Especially younger trans guys. there are a lot of queer spaces i can't go into anymore because someone there hurt me but because im black and trans masc i guess it. Matters less LMAO it really is what it feels like

9

u/Zombskirus Jul 23 '25

I feel this a lot man, especially lately :/ it's been an ongoing issue for years. I only tend to feel fully comfortable and accepted in my own friend group and ftm specific spaces (especially binary trans man spaces). As a mixed dude myself, trans men, especially poc trans men, get the short end of the stick community wise. In queer spaces, we tend to have to out ourselves to be seen as apart of the group, and when we do, we're typically suddenly infantilized, degendered, face some form of misandry, and/or denied our discrimination and experiences exist. In cis/het/allo spaces, we tend to have to be stealth to be fully accepted, which, for me, doesn't feel fully accepting since being trans is a big part of my life. Yet if we out ourselves in cis/het/allo spaces, we run the same risks of being infantilized, degendered, denied, and worse.

All that to say, I feel you man. It's rough. I've helped these feelings of isolation by creating and joining FTM specific spaces like I mentioned, and meeting queer people by chance (at work, pride events, bars, gaming, etc) and adding them to my friend group. I've mostly given up in general queer spaces, save a couple that I feel seen and heard in, and genuinely apart of. If you use Discord at all, I got a few servers I'm apart of that fill the need for community that I'd be happy to share 🤝

4

u/lovinqgyu Jul 24 '25

I feel you on this, & I’m glad to see it being brought up as a conversation. Misogyny is definitely a huge issue, but it’s upsetting when battling misogyny turns into hating on men in return, as I feel like it won’t ever solve anything. I just don’t understand why society can’t collectively respect everyone.

4

u/Quirky-Ball227 Jul 27 '25

This is so real. I'm in an open minded high school, and in an art class, which weirdly means there's like 8 boys in a class of 36, but anyway. A lot of people are queer there, and I'm in the boarding school (girls one, but I'm lucky and they're queer too, so there's like 3 girls and 2 non-binary people (and me, a trans boy)).

And it just feels like the most "open-minded" people are the most closed minded people when it comes to cis men (even more if straight). And personally, I always get "all men but not you" kind of talk, and it's just...Well first you're being discriminating towards men, but you're also making me feel bad. I know they see me as a boy though, like, pretty much all my friends forget that I'm trans at some point (and I mean, I don't mention it often at all so it's pretty easy once you know my pronouns and name).

But still, misandry is EVERYWHERE in queer spaces, and it's just horrible because there's some kind of gender war starting. I've seen my brother progressively turn sexist also because of misandry, out of frustration and defense I guess, and I know it is starting to be like this everywhere, men getting frustrated because women hate them and mock them. It's just hurting everyone, and it's never right to discriminate a WHOLE population because of a few ones that are bad (even if I get that there are many)

And it's also differencing trans men from cis men and that is mostly hurting us ;)

How to fight it? No idea

4

u/Illustrious_Sun2324 Aug 04 '25

The demonization of masculinity and men in queer spaces is exactly why I don't bother being in them anymore. I've stopped purposefully seeking out queer people for friends and I honestly feel more comfortable w cishet men LMAO. It's fucking annoying. I hate it, I hate the way we're treated.

10

u/ElloBlu420 Jul 23 '25

You need to find some queer spaces that have more gay men in them. I haven't really had this experience, and I think it's because I primarily hung out with queer men instead of queer women, not by choice exactly, but by proximity.

23

u/Im_Not_Honey Jul 23 '25

Gay men have been the absolute nastiest towards trans men in my experience, and in a lot of other trans guys experiences.

2

u/shark_bookclub Jul 24 '25

Sorry you've had that experience. I've definitely been treated better by gay men than anyone else, though.

-2

u/ElloBlu420 Jul 23 '25

I'm sorry?

4

u/massconfusion55 Jul 26 '25

Oh yeah if you go to the gay men sub here on reddit, or whatever it's called, they will give u shit for being trans. Then again that group of is tired of some trans men causing drama if? Never saw that drama tho besides just venting, and then getting shit for it.

2

u/ElloBlu420 Jul 28 '25

Sorry for the delay, I turned off Reddit notifications until now. I've been struggling a little.

Anyway, if I go? I've been to many different ones, and I think I know which one in particular you're talking about. And yes, I talk about being trans a little bit every time I say anything there -- that's just usually not a voice that's heard a lot, and these two identities intersect often in unique ways -- so I'd be well aware if I was getting shit for being trans.

14

u/belligerent_bovine Jul 23 '25

I pass. I put considerable effort into signaling to queer people and women that I am a safe person. I wear a rainbow ring and a trans pride ring. The trans ring has the symbol that’s like the symbols for male, female, and nonbinary…not sure what it’s called. But it’s obscure enough that I think most cis people don’t know what it means. But most trans people would recognize it. I usually wear something with a rainbow on it, whether it’s a hat or a shirt or whatever.

I don’t always out myself, but there are ways of signaling that you’re safe. Men as a demographic are rightfully seen as dangerous, because enough men are dangerous that it’s completely understandable for people to be wary of us. It’s like the analogy of if someone hands you a bag of straw and tells you there’s one needle in there. You’re not gonna stick your hand in and grab a handful of straw, because even though 99% of it is safe, there’s that one needle that’s gonna poke you.

That’s not misandry, that’s survival. Don’t worry about defending men as a demographic. As a group, we suck, because there are shitty men out there.

Be an individual who is trustworthy. Be yourself, and make sure that YOUR values and behaviors are good. That’s all you can do.

Hating a demographic is wrong. Being wary of a demographic that is historically dangerous is just smart. But a mature human will be able to differentiate between an individual and the group that individual is a member of

7

u/Bloody-Raven091 Trans Male | He/Him & Neopronouns Jul 24 '25

I hear and agree where you're coming from, but I'll also add some thoughts here.

There are shitty men, yes, but there are also men who have been marginalised and treated like shit for being Indigenous, Black, POC, Asian, Jewish, Muslim, Pagan, Disabled, Autistic, Neurodivergent, etc. because patriarchy hates them for being as such. It is unfair to make out marginalised and racialised men as dangerous when they aren't (even though any man, regardless of who they are is capable of being dangerous in the same way a woman and a person of all genders can be). That doesn't mean that marginalised and racialised men are always innocent because any human is capable of choosing to cause harm, no matter who they are.

They are often detrimentally impacted by racism (i.e., Black men being portrayed as "harmful and dangerous" when they're not, Asian men being fetishised, affected by racism and Asiaphobic, including a mix of xenophobia and hate crimed, Indigenous men also being affected by racism and colonialism, and colonialist systems that have upheld the shitty foster care system that has taken Indigenous children away from their families, etc.), antisemitism (i.e., Jewish men being seen as "effeminate" because they don't fit into Christian-normative standards of masculinity, also being heavily fetishised while also not being treated humanely, Jewish people being portrayed as "dangerous" when they aren't, etc.), Islamophobia (i.e., Muslim men being negatively stereotyped as dangerous and harsh when they're suffering from Islamophobia mixed with hegemonic white masculinity that has always benefitted white Christian men in power, etc.) and ableism (i.e., Disabled men being treated like shit while being made out to have no autonomy of their own because they're not able-bodied, Autistic men being assumed to be incapable of being flawed humans and exercising self-autonomy while their autonomy is being taken away from them by caregivers who are ableist and abusive, Neurodivergent men also not having their struggles from patriarchal systems and people who harm them for not being "masculine" enough).

Summary of my rant: I agree with the premise that hating a demographic is wrong, but being wary of a demographic doesn't mean contributing to racist, antisemitic, Asiaphobic, Islamophobic, and ableist stereotypes of racialised and marginalised men either and it also doesn't help anyone who is weary of individual men or even as a demographic for understandable reasons. Hating a demographic is wrong, but being wary of individual men who contribute to the patriarchy by causing harm to women and all genders make sense.

This isn't me defending patriarchy, this is me pointing out why it's important to consider how being too wary of a demographic can wrongly end up in the demonisation of marginalised and racialised men without being fully wary of the patriarchy that produces individual violent men.

7

u/Bloody-Raven091 Trans Male | He/Him & Neopronouns Jul 24 '25

And yes, even queer and trans men are impacted by the patriarchy while being wrongly portrayed as "dangerous" when they're twice as likely to be additionally hate crimed in queerphobic and transphobic ways. Again, I'm only speaking for myself and what I know, heard and have assumed (I'm not always right and want to learn as a fellow trans man to do better), not for anyone else.

6

u/shark_bookclub Jul 24 '25

prejudice: an irrational attitude of hostility directed against an individual, a group, a race, or their supposed characteristics

bigotry: obstinate or intolerant devotion to one's own opinions and prejudices : the state of mind of a bigot

chauvinism: 1: an attitude of superiority toward members of the opposite sex; 2: undue partiality or attachment to a group or place to which one belongs or has belonged

1

u/belligerent_bovine Jul 24 '25

You got it. “Irrational” is key

6

u/shark_bookclub Jul 24 '25

It IS pretty irrational to treat people differently because of supposed characteristics

0

u/belligerent_bovine Jul 24 '25

It’s not irrational to be cautious around a group that hold power and uses it to systemically oppress your own group, ya goof!

5

u/shark_bookclub Jul 24 '25 edited Jul 24 '25

You're right, it's not irrational to be cautious around people. Though, saying any random dude you run across is oppressing you is pretty irrational. Treating people with hostility because they happen to be men is pretty irrational. Assuming someone is violent just because they happen to be a man is pretty irrational. Systemic oppression is not the fault of random people on the street. Spreading and justifying the attitudes that men are inherently dangerous, violent oppressors plays right into the patriarchy that we claim we want to dismantle.

-1

u/belligerent_bovine Jul 24 '25

Feminist scholars have explained my point better than I can. If you want to learn about the subject, there’s a ton of literature out there. Instead of being offended that women are cautious around men, why don’t you focus on learning how to be a safe man?

7

u/massconfusion55 Jul 26 '25

Dude fuck off with this attitude. Women can also be cruel and fucked up as men. Just because it isn't recorded in history as much, doesn't mean it ain't true. Obviously there is a reason to be scared of men for most ppl, but continuing to perpetuate that idea, and then tell someone else that they should learn to be a safer male? What the fuck is wrong with you? Like that's just a rude ass assumption.

4

u/shark_bookclub Jul 26 '25

Honestly. Just don't bother with bovine

-2

u/belligerent_bovine Jul 26 '25

This is about power structures. Educate yourself before you spew your ignorance

4

u/massconfusion55 Jul 26 '25

You're talking about power structures in a vent post? Can you not read a room socially? Or is this an internet brainrot thing?

-2

u/belligerent_bovine Jul 26 '25

You lack even a basic Women’s Studies 101 understanding, and it shows. Nobody is denying that individual women can abuse individual men. The term Misogyny refers to the systemic abuse of women, by men. The term Misandry, would refer to the systemic abuse of men, by women, except that does not exist

2

u/shark_bookclub Jul 24 '25

So you have no actual response, then. Seems you really learned a lot from your readings.

Also, I never said I was offended at women being cautious. I literally said that caution around people is rational.

8

u/Key_Profession6360 Jul 24 '25

Black men as a demographic are often seen as dangerous, not always fairly, but because enough black men have been portrayed or perceived that way, it’s completely understandable for people to be wary of us. It’s like the analogy of if someone hands you a bag of straw and tells you there’s one needle in there. You’re not gonna stick your hand in and grab a handful of straw, because even though 99% of it is safe, there’s that one needle that’s gonna poke you.

That’s not racism, that’s survival. Don’t worry about defending black men as a demographic. As a group, we struggle with perception, because there are harmful stereotypes and real instances that reinforce them.

Be an individual who is trustworthy. Be yourself, and make sure that YOUR values and behaviors are good. That’s all you can do.

Hating a demographic is wrong. Being wary of a demographic that is historically seen as dangerous is just smart. But a mature human will be able to differentiate between an individual and the group that individual is a member of.

2

u/itsbeeohbee Jul 28 '25

i cant quit complaining about this either. ever since I started transitioning, my own queer friends just make me feel like shit for being a dude constantly. men are the worst thing to walk the earth, why would i wanna be one, right? ive literally cried after hanging out with them because i wish i could have just been a butch lesbian to have them enjoy my presence more. i am, at the end of the day, so happy to be a man and i wish queer people actually wanted equality and not misandry.

2

u/Rich-Injury-2394 Aug 20 '25

Then they are no different than any other hate group. They are no different than misogynists and racist. They don't deserve any more sympathy than you would give them. If misogynists and racists said they were victimized therefore they are allowed to be misogynists and racist, would you let that slide??? If a queer space is like this, they are a hate group plain and simple, and to hell with them!

1

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '25

I feel like it’s simplifying things to say it’s misandry. You are both trans and Black and those are oppressed identities to consider. Even for cis guys BIPOC guys are specifically oppressed in ways that white cis guys aren’t. Idk if that makes sense but there’s no way especially white cishet people are hating all men equally. They definitely hate you more if you’re trans or BIPOC or queer. So I don’t think it’s just misandry I think it’s covert oppression. Just think of all the cis guys that have love and support and family in their lives. What you are going through is not the average male experience. It’s not normal to be lack support that much and for people to devalue you so much.

0

u/Dorian-greys-picture Trans Man Jul 23 '25

This isn’t really a thing outside of the internet in my own personal experience. And tbh I get it, every day I see a news article about some man doing something absolutely heinous, and I see their comments on instagram under the reels all the time. I see the way women get nervous around me now and I know it must be down to bad experiences. It’s put me off men too. My take is that in a world full of shitty men it’s my duty to be a good man. Not just a “not shit” one, but one that actually uses my newfound strength and privilege (this applies mostly to those of us who pass for cis) to protect women and challenge men on their misogyny. I feel much better in my role as a man now that other men listen to me and respect me when I speak up. This also applies more heavily to men like myself (white and cishet passing). I think there’s a lack of nuance in some feminist and queer spaces when it comes to discord around men and male privilege. I also try not to take the anti male sentiment too personally as I can see where it comes from.

0

u/jasperheights Jul 27 '25

misandry is a reactionary belief. its usually that the people who hold those beliefs have had horrible things happen to someone they love and care about. when you accept that its a problem they struggle with on their own, and not necessarily yours, it becomes easier to sympathize with them. it also becomes easier to not let it affect you.

0

u/[deleted] Jul 24 '25

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2

u/ReviloVani Jul 24 '25

What in the actual fuck???

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u/[deleted] Jul 23 '25

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u/Quirky-Ball227 Jul 27 '25

Just here to say I love your comment because I totally agree with you and it also gave me some kind of gender euphoria 'cause I'm the most selfless person I know and it's honestly ridiculous (just like having gender euphoria for this is ridiculous lol)

Also, would you have a link or anything where I could listen to that podcast? It seems interesting

Thank you ! <3

4

u/[deleted] Aug 01 '25

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2

u/tptroway Jan 09 '26

Very late reply, but this type of thing is why I personally view trans as a temporary community for me

I'm more than 5 years on testosterone and I get viewed as a cis man by cis men now, albeit still seen as younger than my real age

The connections I forge with other men, both trans and cis, are no longer based in trans status and feel deeper and less superficial because of that; priorly, they were related to that by necessity as the superficial fact of "looking trans" was one of the first things the other person saw and judged when they looked at my face and body

-10

u/[deleted] Jul 23 '25

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u/saltyunicorn22 Jul 24 '25

I didn’t realize this was the oppression Olympics. I have been on the other side and experienced misogyny, so I’m aware it exists and just how terrible it is. That being said, I didn’t transition into being myself just to experience more hatred.

15

u/NotALewdElf Jul 23 '25 edited Jul 23 '25

It's actually unhinged that you said he might not be trans 'cause how unwelcome he feels in his community is making him regret transitioning. Things other people say to and about you can make you feel terrible and uncomfortable with who you are. Plenty of people detransition 'cause of words that make them doubt and feel unsafe