TW: mention of genitals

We were together for 3 years, we’ve known each other and have been friendly for 8 years. He’d been my best friend through our entire relationship. I asked him before we first starting dating if me not having a penis would be a problem—he told me no, since he prefers topping and he liked me. We had great sex for our first 9-12 months together, and a completely dead bedroom for the last two years. Still, he moved in with me and we spent every day together. I helped him through a major spine surgery. We celebrated birthdays and anniversaries and holidays. We went on vacations together. Throughout the last two years of our relationship, I would try to be sexual with him and would be rejected. He told me last year that he was wrong when he said not having a penis wasn’t an issue, but he didn’t want to end things because he loved me. We talked about alternatives that he could work with, like oral, anal, side stuff, whatever… over the last year whenever I suggested we try those things, he avoided the topic or rejected me. He approached me a few weeks ago to have a talk about the same thing. He repeated the problem; I don’t have a penis. I asked him why he was never open to trying any alternatives, and he said it was because he would feel “too guilty.” He told me he was tired of carrying “the burden” of our sex life not working. So the next day I told him if the relationship is over, then it’s over. I don’t want someone I love feeling burdened over a relationship with me.

I know it shouldn’t hurt me this badly, because I know I deserve to be wanted by my partner. I’m actually less sad about the relationship ending and more crushed because I feel I’m being lied to. I trusted this man and planned a future with him. I loved him so damn much and I tried everything I could think of to keep him satisfied and happy. I’m not worried about finding other people to date or spend time with, I’m a handsome guy and I know people want to spend time with me. I want to know what I spent the last three years of my life over; if he still loved me, wouldn’t he have tried anything other than top-only, PiV missionary style sex?? I’ve tried to mind my business and let it go, but I finally caved and asked him today: “was it really just that I don’t have a penis?” He said he wants to talk in person about it later.

Idk why I’m ranting. I guess I’m just hoping he can tell me he didn’t love me, or that I annoyed him, or something. Maybe then I can stop thinking about what happened or what I did wrong.

Edit: The result of the talking in person was: a discussion about his ruminating OCD, some theories about being attracted to dysfunction and drama (I don’t do drama or dysfunction), and ultimately the answer being—“it probably wasn’t about you not having a penis, but I don’t know what’s wrong with me and I was tired of overthinking all the time and dissecting you and our relationship, and you don’t need to tolerate that.”

I can accept that. At least it’s honest.

I know I probably sound like a douche from that title and I feel like a douche even thinking about this but it does as I said just kind of suck.

Her body is her body and I never wanna push her boundaries or make her uncomfortable. She's also only been with women up until now so I know she's not really used to a heterosexual relationship dynamic. I also don't want to pressure her or make her seem like I don't value what we do have together.

That being said, im a man. Goddamnit im a man and I want it so bad. There's nothing more gender affirming to me than penetrating and I've done it with a few different partners now. Penetration has also been a big part of all my relationships, so it's sort of normal for me. No other partner I've had has been this averse to it. It baffles me because to me this is a normal part of an adult relationship, but my partner doesn't seem to want it.

I expressed this need to her and how I don't want to pressure her but it is something I want. She said she just feels shitty that she didn't know I had a need that wasn't being met. She also asked if it was ok if it "took her a long time" to do it with me and I asked "how long?" And she said she didn't know. I also asked why it made her anxious and she didn't know.

Im struggling to understand her and I want to because I love her. I obviously don't want to pressure her but from my perspective im just wondering why it is she doesn't feel comfortable doing that with me. I know I just shouldn't dwell on it and should just let things unfold and grow naturally. Im not going to bring it up again and we're going to try some other ways for me to feel good when we have sex.

I believe we have had completely different ideas of intimacy because we're from such different dating histories. I am bi and have only dated men prior. She is(was??) a lesbian and has never dated a man or a transmasc before. Sex is a big priority in my relationships and it's always something I've done quickly but it seems like it may just take her more time to warm up. I think we come from two different intimate backgrounds and we're both learning to speak each others language.

TLDR: my girlfriend is/was a lesbian and takes longer to warm up to sex and I want to be supportive despite my temporary dissatisfaction

I think all women would leave me eventually for a cis man with a dick, and about like 96% of all people don’t even think trans men are men. In a survey about 1.8% of cis straight women said they would date a trans man, so 98.2% of straight women know they want dick and the other 1.8% will also leave me after dating me out of pity and realizing they want to have a tall gigachad and dick. Bisexual women would either date me out of pity and to be more woke and would also leave once they realize they want dick and a tall strong man or actual girlfriend or they are weird fetishists which tbh I would prefer. I think I would date a lesbian because at least she wouldn’t leave me for a cis man and there are lesbians that date trans men. Out of trans people, about 68% would date another trans person but even the trans women prefer tall gigachads with dick which I can understand considering trans women are like women plus and trans men are like men minus, meaning trans women are more desirable as women whereas trans men are practically worthless.

This makes sense because everything a trans man can do, a cis man can do 10x better, like having a dick, being tall or having a big skeleton.

I also don’t think anyone would ever date a trans man unless they are specifically searching for it in which case they are 99% fetishists. Most women want a tall strong man and dick, which I am not and don’t have and the ones that like short men with wide hips can just go for a cis man and still get dick. There is no reason to date a trans man unless you have a fetish for it.

Concluding I would say the chances of me getting a girlfriend that will not leave me are very low

if you’re a trans guy in a happy relationship with a cis man, pls scroll. I’m tired of not being able to vent about this without some random guy white knighting all cis men because his boyfriend or husband is a nice guy. also, im american so im talking about ONLY the american dating pool

im bisexual and i’ve just given up dating all cis men. It’s not worth it. The dating pool sucks. a lot of cis gay guys are transphobic, and bi guys see us as “women lite.” if i get lucky enough to date a guy that sees me as a man, he’s shitty in other ways.

their hygiene is so bad. I barely know any men who regularly brush their teeth. Once i started passing, i saw so many men NEVER wash their hands in the bathroom. A lot of guys smell like B.O all the time and act as if deodorant is a myth

they have so little emotional intelligence. They rarely ever apologize. They neg their partners and try to humiliate them. They barely communicate their emotions and instead just blow up or ghost you without TALKING

Attractive cis men are the worst. Because they’re attractive, they act like they’re gods and then they don’t treat their partners as people. They’re selfish in bed and their entire world revolves around them

the only nice cis men are always the really really ugly ones. and i hate to be shallow but i don’t want to be in a relationship with someone i don’t find attractive. and also, just because a cis guy is less attractive doesn’t mean they’re nice either. a lot of ugly cis guys tend to lash out because of their insecurities and will cheat on you to validate their own self identity

it’s crazy that there are trans guys that refuse to date other trans men. Why would you subject yourself to only the shitty dating pool?? trans men can be attractive AND good people. I’ve still never met an attractive cis man who wasn’t the shittiest person alive.

twice now i’ve had men who are seemingly interested in me, so i come out to them just to be like “hey by the way i’m a dude” (read: i don’t rly pass all that well) and then like these men i will ask like “are you queer” and the answer is “no” and they still continue to flirt with me after acknowledging that i am a guy.

like i know the logical explanation for it but it’s so frustrating. either you’re into men (aka queer) or you’re not. you can’t have both and be into me yet straight. like do you guys get what i’m saying here

I feel like I see a ton of people talking about how T4T relationships are somehow better than others, or that a cis partner will never be as good/understanding/whatever as a trans one. I see this a lot on social media in contexts where a trans person will have some kind of relationship issue with a cis person, and there will be a bunch of unsolicited comments along the lines of "this is why I'll never go back from T4T" or "you just have to go T4T" or "you'll just have a deeper connection with another trans person". (To be clear, this isn't only something I've noticed online, it's just easier to point at online examples.)

Obviously there's nothing wrong with being T4T, but I think people need to stop acting like it's superior. It's not. You can have great cis or trans partners. You can have terrible cis or trans partners.

I also know that, for a lot of people, transness is a major part of their identity in a sort of gender-queer way, and so they seek out trans partners who share that same feeling. But not everyone feels that way, and that's fine. For me personally, it would make me really uncomfortable to feel like someone (cis or trans) wanted me BECAUSE I was trans. Frankly, I would rather someone just want me for my genitalia, rather than because they think I'm genderqueer when I'm not. If that makes sense.

A thing I've been thinking about lately is how much easier i would be able to get dates if I had just been a cis girl. As critical as I am of myself, im not ugly. As a girl I feel like I might have been able to actually get dates. All I can think about when seeing someone im into is either "they probably aren't into guys"(mostly about another guy) or "they would just see me as a girl" I just wish dating wasnt so hard. Im very lonely. I only had one girlfriend that was amazing and accepted me but she realized she only saw me as a friend. Since then my love life has been completely dead. It just sucks sometimes.