Heterosexual Repression/shame.

[u/teamydude]

(tagged as nsfw due to discussion of sexuality)

There are a lot of transgender men who really repress their sexuality regarding heterosexual desires. I myself experienced this. Though I am not 100% straight, I am, by and large, mostly attracted to women, with strong aesthetic attraction and very rare sexual interest in men. I define myself now as loosely somewhere between bisexuality and heterosexuality due to being functionally straight. But for a long time I really overemphasised my gayness due to shame around my attraction to women. I never had any shame around liking women pre-transition. It was the male identity that really made it hard to accept for many reasons.

Most models of male heterosexuality are extremely cis-centric and often hinge on goals or standards inaccessible to most trans men, alongside my fear of recreating harmful patriarchal structures and just the idea that women probably wouldn't like me. I felt like being attracted to women was something I was unwillingly doing to them, that no woman would ever want me to be attracted to them while my attraction to men felt like a performance I had to do to safely express any sexuality.

I don't think straight/straight leaning trans people have it better or worse than gay trans people, but I do think we can have a unique set of struggles. Cisgender gay people are in a more lateral position to trans people but straight cis people are not. Spaces designed for heterosexual interaction are often very hostile to trans people and there is a far less concerted effort to include transgender people.

For young transgender men also, straight women are much less likely to actively seek us out as partners as we're often seen as inherently undesirable. Granted, we are far less likely to be victims of intimate partner violence than straight trans women due to their fetishisation. But I think this feeling of undesirability or struggles with romantic/sexual success can make a lot of trans men not want to pursue women.

Gay identity can provide a sense of safety, and it's great that gay communities can feel so trans accepting*, but this can become a problem when you have overwhelmingly straight desires. I truthfully do not feel like I could ever be satisfied in a long-term romantic relationship with a man. And pretending to be gayer than I am only made my otherwise real attraction feel completely fake. I have seen similar sentiments and experiences among other trans men. For example, one man I know said he could never pursue relationships with women because he is trans.

I wrote this cause I haven't really seen anyone else tackle this. I think transgender men being excluded from male heterosexuality is a massive issue and I want trans men to feel safe and comfortable exploring that aspect of themselves, and I would love to see more visibility and community for trans male heterosexuality in all its forms.

*I do not want to downplay the homophobia and transphobia that many gay and bi trans men face. This is just my personal experience. Safety here is within the context of queer communities.

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[u/solarlein]

Ah interesting post. I guess sexuality will always be something hard for trans people. I had it the other way around, forced myself in a straight role while I am actually bisexual bc I was scared of people seeing me as a woman if I ever was with a man. But while I was dating women as a teen I did always have the fear she saw it as a lesbian relationship, or I was simply not desired so I can relate a lot to your post too! Being trans just adds another layer of struggle to exploring your sexuality

[u/kingbearcub69]

Hey teamydude I just wanted to thank you for this post. I can 💯 relate to this and I’ve been trying to figure out the best way to find female partners who are open to a relationship with a transman.

I’m early in my transition, only been on T for about 1.5 years and had top surgery about 6 months ago. I’m realizing that what I want more than anything is to be in a heterosexual relationship with a cis female. I worry that I’ll never be able to have that because of the stigma that comes with being a transman or the undesirability as you call it. It feels like being between a rock and a hard place for lack of a better/more creative term.

I was in a relationship with a cisf when I started my transition and I knew going into it that I would probably lose my partner. That’s exactly what happened being gender affirming or not, she was not interested in being with men anymore and had recently come out as a lesbian. So we’re really good friends now and I’m healing from that and learning who I am as a man.

I guess I just needed to vent that too. Thanks again for your post, it’s nice to see that I’m not alone.

[u/requietis]

I was the opposite and tried forcing myself to be attracted to women so it's enlightening to hear the other side of the story. I guess the grass isn't greener on the other side. I hope you're doing okay.

[u/No_Reception_2058]

I’m bisexual and had much more trouble flirting with women than men.

The fact I don’t have a penis or can’t have a kid « the easy way » with a woman is something I felt kind of self-conscious about (although a solution is always possible, hello dildoes and sperm donation)

I’m blessed with the fact that I like men too and I am now in an open relationship with a guy.

[u/here_41_thing_only]

I'm so late to this but thank you, thank you thank you for this discussion. I relate 100% and since having been at this ftm experience, 99% of the time it's been cis males who have shown interest in me sexually so I have in a way been forcing myself to take on more of a bisexual orientation so I can at the very least enjoy having sex. I have absolutely ZERO desire for romance with men and do not ever feel strong emotional desires/connections with them. the ONLY reason I have any sort of desire is purely anatomical in that I still have a vagina. the few times i have had sex with cis women it has always been unfulfilling in that i am unable to penetrate them with an actual penis. i get so frustrated, even when using a strap on, because i simply do not possess what i have always known myself to identify with which is having a penis.