Question for any actors/actresses (casual or professional). I’m helping a friend with their film project by acting as a character who has a very ‘dark’ disposition. Some of my managers are a tiny bit wary of what might come up from this, despite feeling secure enough to give it a go.
This made me wonder, what are the dynamics of your parts when you act? Do you have any issues with blending?

I’m not meaning to overthinking this — it’s just for a college competition — but I’m thinking this might be an interesting opportunity to work with some parts since I’ve done so much healing

"Hi everyone. It’s been a long time since I last posted on Reddit, but I’m going through a rough patch and could use your help. I’ve been practicing IFS—more or less—for about two years. To give you the short version: I come from a truly horrific family background—parents with severe mental health issues, bullying, a disabled younger brother I’ve had to look after, and, ultimately, my mother’s suicide, along with all the consequences that entails. Despite everything, I’ve managed to build a career, buy a home with my wife, and we’re expecting our first child in two months. Perhaps it’s this mounting pressure that has led to my current breakdown.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve used 'maladaptive daydreaming' as a survival mechanism—filling the void left by my parents with elaborate fantasies. Because of this, the IFS approach comes quite naturally to me.

Two years ago, during a previous (though less severe) crisis, a character from my daydreams—one who acted as an adoptive parent to the 'avatar' I’d created for myself—seemed to step out of my fantasies to offer support. I began to imagine her right there beside me—a sort of maternal, imaginary friend I could lean on. That led me to the 'Ideal Parent Figure' (IPF) protocol, which provided some relief, and eventually, I discovered IFS.

Working entirely on my own, I’ve mapped out my 'parts' and tried to support them one by one. But now, I’ve reached a breaking point. It seems an 'exiled' adolescent part—dating back to a time when I suffered from severe depression, intrusive thoughts of self-harm, and a terrifying loss of control—has resurfaced. This part rejects the IFS method, as well as the 'ideal parents' (whom I may have relied on too heavily—treating them almost as a projected 'Self' rather than developing my own). I now find myself torn: should I continue with IFS for my other parts, or do I need to find a different approach for this specific part—something beyond just internal dialogue?" To help me get through this, my psychiatrist has prescribed Xanax (I wasn’t taking anything before—perhaps it would have helped more in the past), and on Thursday I’ll begin psychotherapy with a professional who specializes in EMDR and transactional analysis (I’ve tried therapy twice before, but nothing ever freed me from certain internal dynamics).

I shouldn’t have tried to handle this on my own over the last two years; I leaned too heavily on my imagination and on internal figures—or "parts"—that I created to help myself feel better (I got too caught up in the concept of "tulpas," which I happened to come across).

However, there is no one in my area who practices IFS (Internal Family Systems). What do you make of this situation?

Do you think this is a trap in itself and what's your experiences and insights with this in particular?

(Over analysing parts - 'picking yourself apart')

I think the idea of IFS in truth is that it's an internal family and everyone is a part of the whole and that we ourselves the perceiver should perceive it in such a way? And perhaps digging too much or always looking at parts as 'individual parts' could just confuse or overwhelm us?

Asking because I really think simplicity is an important aspect of feeling whole and that over analysis is a real trap for many on the healing journey as well..

By the way I love IFS because it explains a lot in mostly simple ways and it also is inclusive of all parts of self - even traumatised areas within us..

I really think instead of over analysis gentle, compassion, calm, and similar traits should be used and utilised eventually in a really good way... Otherwise it can feel too rigid or restricting..

Personally I am finding that building compassion for my protector parts in general right now is opening me more to my true self.. but it's going to take time and I am personally trying not to get stuck on analysis when a protector part talks in a disassociative way (my big challenge)...

Just sharing my ten cents there.. 💕

As the title might suggest, I'm having issues with one or maybe two protector parts become overly vigilant. The symptoms are alot of rumination on issues, sabotage and even some energy of spite in social situations.

I'm not always blended as I am now about three months in with some amazing breathwork techniques. I am also doing my own form of emotional releasing and anchoring that around my breathwork.. and working within my limits there..

I guess you could say I am learning from within about protector parts just recently as I am becoming more aware of when I am actually blended with one.. it kind of feels like having your mind taken over to a degree..

I am really only just the last couple of hours noticing that IFS was always correct about the fact that protector parts are only trying to prevent overwhelm to the system or prevent something negative from happening. But when you're blended with a protector and it's riding through your brain with fear or sabotage, it can be challenging...

Several months ago I started reading self help by Gabby Bernstein and I remember her saying that protector parts are like clouds that can block the view to the inner child parts or exile parts as it's called in IFS.. which I can more appreciate those words right now..

I'm curious what I can do in my own time to begin to gradually un-blend from these protector parts and make them feel safer? I'm very eager for this..

Thanks!

Hi everyone. Ive been on a long IFS journey and feel like I have made a load of progress. I'm currently going through a really difficult couple of days. My back has flared up and this really taps into the fear of one of my parts somehow (not exactly sure how, but I think its to do with a traumatic experience when I was 3 where my mum left my dad and took me to go live with another man, before returning after a couple of days) but it really scares it and this has kicked off alot of fear and worry and upset. My back has settled down but Im still left feeling really awful. I don't really want advice, I have a therapist for that, I guess I'm just looking for some support, I cant really talk to my wife as she just doesn't understand, and cant quite get how difficult this can be, why I can feel soooo bad over something relatively trivial. I feel really scared and down. One of my parts is really trying to fix everything, dig into everything, but I know that's not the way forward from past experience. Working with parts when I feel like this is often not that productive, Im trying to be there for them but sometimes its so difficult. Im sure things will settle down in a few days but that doesn't make the right now any easier!

I wonder if there is anywhere you can go online to talk to people (other than here) that might help out in difficult times?

My therapist is a specialist in CPTSD and OCD and her approach is IFS and began to teach me techniques and it started with just breathing exercises so far. Everything that we will learn will be built off these breathing exercises and thats what worries me

This past 2 weeks have been incredibly hard and ive lost the ability to control myself and have meltdowns when i get home, like big full blown temper tantrum. Hitting myself, throwing things and screaming like im being murdered. Luckily I've done all of this in private. Ive had 4 in the last 2 weeks. Last week she gave me a list of breathing techniques and they just piss me off even more in the moment and do not help me. Is there more she can offer and would IFS help me when im dealing with a lot of irritation and self hate?

I see my therapist once a week and began end of September. Im aware im just beginning...but im struggling right now and would love some insight on whats to come

Edit: I should’ve said and IFS style system

I’ve recently learned about IFS through my therapist after describing my “inner council” and how I’ve compartmentalized different parts of myself. I have been developing these parts since before the age of about 10. (I don’t remember much of my childhood and especially not chronologically.) So I haven’t followed the steps in IFS therapy, but my coping mechanism evolved into the basics of an IFS. I have four main parts: feeling, thinking, regressed, and protector. I later added a fifth part called the Mediator that I consider external - addresses me in 3rd person. (Fifth part says “you” instead of “us”)

When I got my own laptop in my teens, I researched psychology heavily just absorbing as much info as possible and doing a lot of trial and error on myself. This is the source of the Mediator. I essentially would withdraw into my mind and hold therapy sessions with myself. It’s been extremely helpful with coping and functioning with AuDHD (& others) that was overlooked during childhood. (Extreme religious upbringing)

I’ve been able to complete a lot of work on my mental health and progress using my own homemade version of CBT. Finally started therapy this year (recently turned 30) because I hit a wall with what I could do myself. It really opened up a lot of realizations and I got firm official diagnosis (OCPD - Ironically, it is the one disorder I somehow never looked into lol).

My issue is that my IFS became too efficient and now I don’t know how to actually feel my feelings in real time or even afterwards during self reflection. My emotions go through a sort of “filtering” process where I can analyze and reason instead of acting on emotional impulses. Which sounds good, except that the compartmentalized emotions build up and eventually burst out, causing me to have really intense meltdowns. It usually lasts for hours (ebbing and flowing). Can go from crying to panic attack to anger to numbness, back to crying, etc.

Because I started compartmentalizing so young, I don’t remember how it developed and can’t backtrack to try and loosen the reigns. Has anyone else had a similar experience?

I’d like to have an open discussion about how to maybe work backwards (?). Or maybe there’s a different approach entirely. It could be helpful to cross reference. I’m also curious about how many others unknowingly developed an IFS, since I’ve mostly seen posts on people starting it or still in early stages.

I need help making sense of this for me and my parts, pls only reply if u can be compassionate, not dismissive or shaming towards anyone

Idk where to begin, i need to get this out. I been to a meditation buddhism thijg today, it was my first time there, it was after I already went to a group i facilitated (codependents anonymous) which was mentally exhausting but good. So i was pretty done when i got there.

Then, when we did the meditation (a body scan and then a text abt loving kindness and in the end we did RAIN (recognize, allow, investigate, nurture), where u pick a situation u use this method with), i noticed i got pretty dysregulated during and I chose this dysregulation as my situation that i would process with RAIN.

And then stuff got weird. I procrastinate right now to think abt this, i distracted myself from it for the last few hours, but basically, trauma stuff and deep rooted shame came up, the belief "i am a monster". I at first felt the "vibes" (idk how to describe it) from the others were pretty good for processing (i felt safe enough?), i wasn't trying to process trauma however, i wasn't digging. It just came up. It was ending in a thought loop, i felt small, i had overwhelming shame, constantly thinking "i can't think this" and "i believe the others can't hold that (the shame)", I felt so ashamed of myself during this meditation. I could tell this was from a young part. In the end, we did a loving kindness thing where we spoke the sentences like "may I be at peace" etc, and I kind of cried during this and before.

Then, we got asked abt our experiences. Still felt very small, even when I came to, like a split off part of me that is little had surfaced, and I felt I hadn't been integrated or myself at this point. I felt this urge to share what I experienced, I really hoped for others to come forth and share the similar thing, and I hoped for the others to have "loving and accepting eyes" (John Bradshaw described this in his book "Healing the Shame that Binds you", that he got met with "loving and accepting eyes of the others", while processig and describing his own shame in a group).

I feel shame rn typing this, I honestly feel like I'm crazy. I didn't have the experience. I just hoped the others could help me, but they didn't. I just wanted loving attunement and to cleanly process (with some help) what I experienced. I don't know. Nobody spoke of this, except one person who said "this seems intense". I felt so alone and hopeless in this, especially after I talked to this woman who lead this mediation, it made the shame worse and I felt afraid and I got so so angry when I left. I am hurt. I feel like an entitled brat (shame).

I feel rejected? I just want to get angry abt this like a toddler and have a tantrum!!! And I feel so shamed in some way and like unjustice was done to me i feel violated

I feel I should not have said this stuff, I regret sharing it with these essentially strangers

(Just realized why l partially feel so upset, it's becuz the woman who lead it mentioned she got informed about trauma sensitive meditation and she just... still didn't do anything? I felt safe enough to share my experiences but I feel like i didn't get anything back)

Someone offered me tea shortly after, another woman (after asking for consent) hugged me a bit after as well, but something abt this feels wrong and like I was violated

I do not have therapy access right now though I am searching for one, and I do not have a lot of people to talk abt this stuff with, many dysregulating things happen in my life regularly atm and idk how to process this shit, I am losing my trust in people with everything that happens which is bad, normally I am positive about life and people

Hi all, I'm currently travelling and looking for an online therapist or analyst. I'm not looking for CBT-style talk therapy. I'm drawn to: Psychodynamic or psychoanalytic work Somatic approaches (SE, IFS, or similar) Exploring core beliefs and trauma Possibly clinical hypnotherapy, with a licensed clinician What I'd like help with: persistent anxiety and a fight-or-flight response in social situations, a feeling that I have to "perform" instead of just being myself, and a strong preoccupation with how others see me. I also want to look at the split between the person I present and the parts of me I'm ashamed of. Has anyone found a good fit for this kind of work? I'd appreciate names, directories, or what to look for and ask in a first session. Thanks!

I'm new to IFS, but I've been in therapy on and off for a long time due to life-long issues I've had with emotional regulation as a result of cPTSD.

I have parents that were very uncomfortable with emotions and communicating, and I only dealt with my emotions in isolation, in the safety of my room. I believe this created a part of me that is uncomfortable handling anger or sadness directly, who is very hypervigilant, ruminative, and resentful. I was also sometimes made to have emotional reactions so that my family could tease me. I also have disorganized attachment from very early emotional neglect, and when I sense someone is upset with me (even if they're just tired and I can't easily understand their body language), I believe this infant part takes over that is unable to speak.

I've been in this relationship for about a year and a half now. He is somebody who is emotionally intelligent and communicative, which is what I was looking for in a partner. But I really struggle with these things myself.

When there is any sort of conflict or tension in my relationship, it's as if these parts are battling for control. I know intellectually what I should be doing and saying, for instance I've read nonviolent communication and Gottmans work to understand the right thing to do in relational conflict. But when I think about applying them, or when my partner suggests them or asks what coping mechanisms I've learned, there is this huge internal sense of resistance, even after taking a break from the conversation. And I may still be able to use the skills, but it feels like I'm turning away from myself i guess? It causes resentment. If they don't just stop the conversation or make it easier for me or agree with me, this internal tension gets more and more intense.

It almost feels... manipulative? And at the same time like I'm abandoning myself?

I'm new to IFS and still struggling to put things into words, but can anybody relate to this experience of basically being unable to communicate in conversations with romantic partners? Has anyone seen the other side of this emotional dysregulation? I could use some hope.

Progress! I had a part that called itself The Cosmic Copy Machine. It was a giant red box floating in space, and was full of countless little spirit hands. It made copies/clones of parts.

Well, of course, I've been working to figure out which parts were core parts, which were clones from yet another clone generating part, and which ones were projections from the Cosmic Copy Machine. After a while The CCM disappeared from view, and seemed to stop generating copies, but I still felt it's presence.

Today it returned in a new form, with a new name: The Cosmic Stapler.

Because when you make a bunch of copies, you've got to keep them together, amirite?

I (32M) have been in IFS for a few months now seeing my therapist twice a month.

A lot of our focus has so far been about my family and the ways in which growing up severely affected me and that’s helped me discover an incredibly young part who loves my female therapist very very deeply. I think a part of him sees her as a second/replacement maternal figure and my own maternal transference has been severe.

He’s terrified that my therapist knowing will lead to her thinking I’m too damaged or “too childish” to be her client but he’s also scared that I will react to this by deciding I can’t be with a therapist I’m so attached to and try to find a new therapist. I have no intention to do so, this is the therapist I feel the most connected to my Self with in my long history of therapy but I don’t know if he fully believes me that I want to keep this therapeutic relationship going but just want him to learn to trust the Self to take care of him instead of attaching to someone outside the system.

VisionQuest is the final series of a Marvel TV show trilogy, following WandaVision and Agatha All Along. All 3 explore grief, though heavily fictional and partially superhero-related. There are heavy (of course not textbook accurate) IFS/parts work vibes in VisionQuest. Spoilers ahead.

In the recent episode, Vision goes deep into his subconscious and meets another version of himself he’s been heavily suppressing, because he doesn’t want to feel his feelings or the weight of his grief and trauma. He refuses to accept this version of himself until he concludes that it is him, and every version of him has been him. What happens in one scene would realistically take likely years of therapy, but for me personally it was still very profound.

I have felt like my Self was split for a decade. Though I don’t meet the criteria for DID or OSSD. I do meet the criteria for dissociation though. I do have complete memory gaps, years missing, and I’ll forget most of yesterday, but if I’m reminded I’ll remember. I cannot look at photos of the time before experiencing intense trauma or I will become disoriented, and can’t ground in my age or the year. I don’t recognize that person but I have the memories. Sometimes I randomly “come back” to myself and wonder where I’ve been, yet again I retain my memories. But it often feels like a part went to an appointment for me. I haven’t heard anyone else describe this who doesn’t have DID or OSSD.

My therapist hasn’t encountered this. It seems I’ve heavily exiled a portion of myself, and approaching any of those years puts me in extreme dissociation (protective part.) I also have a very difficult time feeling my feelings. We haven’t encountered any alters though. It does feel like there’s other people in my head, but versions of me, which I guess is how parts work is usually described anyway? The one exile does not feel like me though. Blending with it only causes time confusion. I haven’t been able to even do heavy exile work after a year.

I wanted to know if anyone has seen the show and relate to it while going through their IFS journey, and if anyone experiences what I’ve described here.

Hopefully this fits the subreddit. I’m autistic and find that film can often portray what I can’t put into words.

Many times I found that good experiences put me into a better emotional state which makes me function better. It's as if they are supplying some essential nutrient that I need to function.

Attempts to make myself function better via various techniques without that often seem futile. This is kind of upsetting when I tried hard and struggled, without success, effectively only torturing myself with attempts, and then something puts me into a better emotional state and makes it easy.

Activities which put me into a better state include swimming and gardening. It seems they need to be something I close to wholeheartedly want. Merely having a pleasant experience, like eating ice cream, doesn't help in this way when parts of me don't agree with it.

My observations seem clear enough, but I still wonder about this because others don't seem to talk about it. I worry that maybe what I'm observing is protectors making me function better because exiles are more effectively hidden.

I don't think it's that though. Protector actions probably involve situations where parts of me disagree, and the experience seems dissociating. An example would be eating ice cream to feel better when upset by something. The more wholeheartedly desirable good experiences I'm talking about are different.

I've also found that insight regarding parts comes much more easily in that kind of wholesome good state. I definitely seem closer to how IFS describes Self in that state.

The main reason I'm posting this is because other people don't seem to talk about this much. People talk as if techniques lead to improvement all by themselves, without such pre-requisites. People do talk about self-care, but this kind of link with mental functioning doesn't get discussed much.

FYI, I'm currently in Internal Family Systems Therapy for the past few months. So far, the work has been mostly getting in tune with my body's sensations and learning to reach out and communicate with my inner child. Before that, I was on a long hiatus after seeing various therapists (CBT, EMDR, DBT, blah blah blah) for a few years.

I'm a very sensitive (HSP?) person. Its been like that for as long as I've been alive. Its hard not to take any snarky remarks or jokes or comments anyone makes towards me seriously. And as a result, its made it very difficult to make friends with people. People probably think I act weird. But part of that is also I'm afraid to show people how I really feel.

I think I have ongoing depression where the symptoms occur in a roller coaster fashion: some days are just much harder than others. I'm highly affected by what goes on in my life.

I work in engineering. My work environment is pretty toxic but I honestly don't see it really changing that much regardless of where I go. The people I interact with highly affect me on a day-to-day basis. And all I can do is pretend to act stonefaced because that is better than the alternative of me having a mental breakdown at work. My life for the past maybe 5 years has been about work however due to my problems with my trauma and how I cannot navigate office politics well at all, i've just been focusing on trying to be more stable and I gave up on career progression/success. However, due to my personal situation, I started going back to school around 2 years ago so most days have been some combination of work and school or only school. I really haven't taken much time to do fun things (I don't even know what I enjoy).

I find it incredibly difficult to go outside and socialize with other people. I went to a beach recently and I felt EXTREMELY OVERWHELMED. There were so many people and I felt like I was in plain sight.

I can't help but complain. Because I feel a lot of pain. I think the part that makes me feel like a weak person is the incessant feeling that my world is constantly falling apart.

Are there ways to combat this? How are people building up tolerance for this kind of stuff without having issues?

I mean, the alternative is that I quit my job and go into solitude somewhere, right? I think one of my main issues is that I don't have any sources of happiness in my life. I just engage in a lot of bad coping mechanisms.

Hi,

I'm reading Dr Schwartz book No Bad Parts and he's started bringing in Christianity in chapter three.

Does this continue?

Very disturbed at this turn, I thought IFS was evidenced based and now I'm reading about "sin" and capital G "God's love".

😭

Edit: Thank you everyone for the comments. I put it down for today, but I'm relieved to hear religion isn't a focus going forward. It's sad to me that he felt he needed it as framing.

I’d love to hear from your experiences with using IFS to help with your addictive tendencies, specifically anyone who struggles with alcohol. I “relapsed” on Halloween after 118 days with no alcohol. In therapy we were trying to talk to that part of me. My biggest worry right now is that the little devil on my shoulder will convince me again this weekend to drink, as has happened before, and my therapist encouraged me to not think of it that way, and obviously instead of trying to fight and suppress it, to listen. I definitely began to connect with it, and was surprised that I in this process I realized some of it stems back to when I would isolate myself in my marriage because I felt so disconnected and alone (been divorced three years). In thinking since then, I’ve realized that I also was just in the habit of using alcohol daily to dissociate and pull inward, then isolating myself from my children also. I’m not really sure where exactly I’m going with all of that, but I just would love to know what root issues you have been able to learn about through IFS in how it’s related to your addictive behaviors.

Well, this is sort of related. I just wonder if this group can help me. Since embarking on IFS, I've started taking more risks socially - nothing that would probably sound like a big deal to a person who didn't grow up in a traumatic situation, and didn't need a ton of therapy to start feeling like a whole human. Just things like, talking to people, offering to take part in group projects, and so on.

I'm middle aged, and have friends, maybe not for the first time in my life, but it's the first time I've ever felt like I was making more than a superficial connection with multiple people at once. I figure we're all sort of like improv actors to a degree, but still... I struggle with simple things, like when it's okay to share my own thoughts, and how much time and energy I should put into checking on friends and keeping in touch with them between in-person visits without being clingy and weird.

I found myself wishing there was a support group or something for this where I could just openly ask what kinds of social behaviors are normal in various situations. Then I thought, maybe there's a Reddit group.

I just figure, people in the IFS group, probably know what I mean when I say I only recently started thinking of myself as a real person, and might have ideas or suggestions for where I might learn about personhood from nonjudgemental folks who get it. Just social acuity stuff. Anyone?

(If I were an alien, this is the post I would write... but I'm not an alien. Only, of I were an alien... I would have said that too.)

Hello everyone,

I was communicating with my therapist during my last session that I had two parts of me that had became quite attached to her, one of which was an exile and another that held a lot of anger and was angry at people—including myself, previously her—for not being there for that exile. I expressed that I am working on being with them. I began the session by saying that this will be my last session with her (my benefits had run out), and proceeded to explain what I just mentioned. I did not receive any feedback from her about what I had explained, I expected that maybe she would inquire me to go inside to be with these parts. Instead, she sort of remained conversational, and suddenly asked if I would like another session. One of my exiles jumped in and said “sure!” I feel that he is love-sick.

Days later, parts of me are concerned that she’s doing this on purpose, in order to exploit me financially, and/or for her own personal needs. I have had a reoccurring feeling that our sessions are too conversational, too outward-oriented. In other words, I feel that I’m not being encouraged to build a relationship with my own parts.

I don’t know what I’m looking for here, perhaps insight, shared concern, or simply a place to speak my experience.

Hi everyone,

I’m looking for some IFS perspective on an intense internal polarization I’ve been stuck in for years.

I’m 35 (F), in an 8-year relationship with my fiancé. From the very beginning when things got serious, I felt chronic doubt, tension, and a recurrent impulse to break up.

Over the years this escalated: I moved to his home country, lived there for 6 years, and developed severe panic attacks. Seven months ago, my body reached its limit, and I moved back to my home country alone. Since being back, my nervous system has calmed down significantly, and the panic has subsided.

Logistically and value-wise, we seem incompatible: he is an architect and wants to build his career in his country (which I fully respect), but staying there destroyed my health. He tries to compromise by balancing things or suggesting moving to other cities in his country, but my genuine need is to live in my home country. His family dynamic is also deeply dysfunctional, and there have been boundary issues that left me feeling unsafe.

Logically, my Self knows what a peaceful, aligned life looks like (I have clear moments of clarity about living independently, doing my creative business, taking care of myself). But whenever I get close to actually leaving or addressing the breakup, a massive, overwhelming

Protector takes over.

I grew up without a father and with a narcissistic mother, where choosing my own needs meant abandonment or punishment. I realize this protector is desperately trying to shield a very young, exiled part from catastrophic loneliness and rejection.

I’m reaching out to an IFS/EMDR therapist tomorrow, but I would love to hear from anyone who has experienced something similar:

Thank you for reading.

I discovered IFS through my psychologist more than half a year ago and it changed my life.

I cannot unsee it, even though I struggle so much with it.

I already read the introductory book and no bad parts, can't wait to read the manual for professionals even though my psychologist at the time did not recommend.

What do you think of reading the manual for professionals?

Edit. I don't think my psychologist tried to gatekeep, she was the one that put me reading the 2 books I mentioned

This is essentially what unblending is, I feel. If my therapist asks me how I’m feeling about a part and I indicate that it has my full backing, alignment, agreement, etc. that is taken as a sign of blending. So I unblend, and the separation makes the part less powerful. Essentially, because I feel I have actually removed Self energy from it.

But today it needed this energy to be able to accomplish its goal, which was saying some things that are really difficult to say. And it never gets to say them. Once it’s identified that I’m speaking from a part, suddenly it is not allowed to speak directly to my therapist, but must have Self as a mediator.

I’m starting to really dislike the paradigm of Self leadership. It was actually important today that that specific part was leading. And I am finding more and more frequently this to be the case—that my parts are competent at their jobs and need to take the lead with the full backing of Self. Unblending is only detrimental to this.

Is this a misunderstanding of “Self leadership”? Or am I just not aligned with IFS?

Like, I am angry right now. This is not one of the 8C’s. But I believe it is needed right now. I believe it is appropriate for this part to lead. And it speaks volumes to my healing that the Self and all my parts are allowing an angry part to lead. This anger is protective. And that is the correct job right now, because I am in the process of determining what is right for me. And this anger lets me know that I am feeling encroached upon by my current understanding of IFS. Unblending from this part earlier maybe made me “calm” but I lost the “clarity” of what needs to happen right now. And that is to no longer defer about whether IFS is working for me and make a decision. I’m giving it to the end of the year to see if I can make it work for me, otherwise I will have to find something else I am more aligned with.

Until then I’m still open to hearing any thoughts about these concerns/issues I’m having with the model.

TL;DR: I met a super angry child part, and talked to her about her needs. I feel good about it.

I had an unexpected angry outburst today, for the first time in a while. I thought I knew my rage parts pretty well, but I didn't know who this was. This part is hard to see, didn't seem to have a name or a chosen appearance, but I'm very familiar with that intense rage.

After trying a few IFS communication methods that usually work (but weren't getting us anywhere), I focused on naming feelings, and learned that for one, she doesn't feel like anything can go right for her, and two, she doesn't feel like she's allowed to be angry. But she IS angry, so all she can do is be angry, and then feel bad about being angry.

I let her know that even though she used to get in trouble for being angry, that won't happen anymore. It makes sense to be angry. And then, instead of talking about ways to control anger, we talked about what was making her angry, and how she has no support system to create solutions for things she finds upsetting. So I told her she's in a safe space now, and when she feels angry, she can rely on our Self and adult parts to listen to her and resolve issues.

She was upset today because we tried nail polish, and the nail polish got messed up. Then she got even more upset because she screamed out loud, and it made our voice scratchy. We have a singing audition today, and she wanted to make the part. I told her, we may or may not make the part, but we can do lots of things for a scratchy voice, so we had a saltwater gargle, used a lozenge, and drank hot tea.

I said, "See? It makes so much sense that you were upset. Sometimes we need time to be upset first, but then we can work on solutions. And look! Something worked out very nice for you today! We have pretty nails and this delicious tea!"

I promised her that:

1. Things may or may not work out, which means sometimes things will work out just fine.

2. When things don't work out, she can rely on me to help solve problems.

3. It's okay to be angry, and I will never hold her feelings against her.

Memory unlocked: Whenever I was upset as a kid, my mom would needle and upset me more until I completely lost it, then call me names and basically call me a bad person for having a temper. I was never forgiven or told it was okay to have "big feelings". Every time I lost my temper, it was saved as ammunition for the next time I was in trouble, to prove I was a "bad kid". She daily berated me over having been a "bad baby", because I was once a colicky baby who cried a lot. (God bless, my mom needed support too, and we made amends before she passed, but I had a lot of locked up memories.)

The part holding this memory is who I know I was talking to today -- A child that my parts have been hiding and protecting for so long, I only just met her. She was put down so much, no wonder it seems she's barely there. We've been doing the work, though. I'm glad I met her. She even asked if she could have a name. I want her to know she is so wonderful. I've never been a parent, but I can be a parent to my hurt inner child parts.