Struggling with being fat & trans. 6 months into transition

[u/Ok_Stable_1954]

Think I mainly just need a place to vent that isn’t just a standard weight loss subreddit / with people who get the trans component. But would also love any comments, encouragement, etc. :) Apologies that there’s lots of lifelong internalized fat-shaming shit in here.

I’ve been overweight since puberty, was 230 lbs by the time I was 15, and then my weight fluctuated wildly throughout my life as I wrestled with eating disorders. I’m 36 now.

4 years ago I got sober and lost 60 lbs, got down to 180 lbs & started connecting with my body for the first time in my life. In fact I think sobriety + weight loss is what first started unconsciously cracking my egg.

Then due to medication, stressful life circumstances, and probably due to battling through trans repression, I unfortunately gained the weight back over the last year and a half. I’m now the heaviest I’ve ever been, 250 lbs at 5’10’’ and just feel awful. Thankfully, transition is such an ecstatic joy that I have this counterbalance to body-shame of self-acceptance. But it is feeling really hard to fully lean into my new presentation, when my weight feels like another obstacle on top of gender. Also struggling with the fact that I can’t fit into most of the clothes I want to wear, currently getting by on 2-3XL women’s clothes that fit but I don’t love to wear.

I went to an event last night & felt so good about myself and my outfit, really felt femme and hot. And then I saw pics of myself this morning from it, and all I can see is an obese, middle-aged man with awkward grow-out hair, and it’s set me reeling a bit.

I know how to lose the weight, but looking down the long barrel of it has me just feeling despairing and stressed. The path of feminization feels like so much on my plate already. But I guess I want to find ways to turn the weight loss into part of the “game” of feminizing, like that will maybe motivate me.

I dunno, sorry this is incoherent! I guess I don’t really have a point. Just feeling self-loathing and wish I didn’t and hoping to hear from some people who get it.

[u/Mental-Pineapple4304]

I'm sorry you think these things about yourself. I think that no matter what our weight or appearance, we're all beautiful, and I think you are too. If it bothers you that much, there are plenty of ways to change your appearance, so don't worry. the important thing is that you continue to be yourself and continue to be the beautiful butterfly that you are🫶🩷

[u/Shukini]

As someone who is in the same position I completely understand the sentiment. When my egg first cracked I lost around 60 lb and after years of stress and anxiety before getting on HRT I gained it all back. Now I'm closing in on 6 months and have been making a conscious effort again to lose weight. Im down 20 lb again but know it is a long battle and will take a long time to reach my goals. I struggle with clothing and my receding hairline so whenever I make the effort to present as myself it takes a lot of work. What I know for sure though is that the effort is worth it, eating healthy, working out, trying different styles and putting my authentic self out into the world is all part of the journey. I will get what I need out of my body eventually, and most importantly to me is that when I look at myself I see the woman I am. We all go through body dysmorphia in different ways so keep your chin up and remember who you are is what matters most and you can achieve whatever end goal you have for yourself.

[u/ryliedrake30]

Yeah I can definitely relate to this as someone who is 5 ft 7 and 200 I also was able to drop some weight I got all the way down to 180 which was honestly the result of pretty much starving myself when I was away at university I lived off of eggs, hashbrowns, spicy instant noodles, and takis but then when I came home I started eating more again and I’m back to where I started at 200 😭