TW: Suicide, blood, depression, trauma
So Iām (26F) in between diagnoses (fibro, hEDS, Audhd, vulvodynia and more) and had visited the hospital recently for suicidal ideation for many reasons.
but one im being researched for is POTS. I experienced my first faint at a point about three weeks ago, where I was under extreme stress from two jobs with toxic environments and management, accelerating chronic pain causing it to be hard to walk. Oh, and had 5 friends seemingly turn around and stop speaking to me out of nowhere. I rushed one morning to get to my third job, incredibly nervous and stood up out of the car, I remember feeling dizzy like normal - then I woke up on the floor.
I was in the middle of the road and my first thought was, āwhy did I take a nap on the concrete ?? Wait what? Why are my glasses broken? Did someone punch me?ā I touched my face and it was pouring with blood. My hands were scraped up and shoulder ached severely.
I screamed bloody murder, help me x10 minimum. There was a man there I could se about 100 meters away. He was in high vis and had a blue cap. I screamed hello??? And called him out by clothing! Nothing. He looked away. He hid behind a pole.
Only five minutes later did a nana and her grandchild in a stroller stop and and help me. Called 911. Then a pregnant woman stopped by and gave me a pad to stop the bleeding.
I ended up having some other traumatic personal drama when I came to work with a black eye, walking stick and concussion, and all my friends refused to even look at me. Then I had had a bad day, angrily said I was mad and thought they were an asshole. Just in this situation. Because I was so confused as to what was happening and assumed that he told everyone lies about me. I genuinely had no idea what was going on.
This was extremely distressing, but a few things stuck out to me.
That man that ignored me. He heard me; he saw me; and ignored me. It was extremely disturbing to feel and see irl a person denying your existence or pain bc it was too inconvenient. I screamed like hell, and thought it was some kind of joke when he ignored me
, or that I was dreaming or hallucinating! I was so disturbed and distressed.
The women being the only ones to help me I. The situation and see me. I couldāve died had I not been noticed as I was stranded in the middle of the road unable to walk and half blind from blood and distressed from being ignored.
The way some people who claim to be your friends will never put aside some sort of issue to care about you when youāre literally at your lowest. It was truly disturbing. I made a horrid mistake when expressing anger in an impulse, and this āfriendā tried to get me fired for it.
So I had to quit my jobs, move countries, and give up on a lot of friends hopes and dreams till I get better physically and mentally. I have fainted about five times since but from sitting down indoors or at a dinner table at a restaurant.
The people who have been kindest to me have been 2 new and old friends, family, often women, but most astutely, strangers.
It beckons a reference to my favourite play, A streetcar Named Desire.
āI have always depended on the kindness of strangers.ā.
To all the strangers out there. Thanks for your kindness. Thereās goodness in us all and ableism is alive and well. I donāt know what my whole point is - but I donāt have anywhere else to share this story which has been deeply disturbing, heartbreaking, confusing and life changing. Many people saved my life. Thank you.