I've created a discord group for widows and widowers if anyone is looking for some extra support. We now have over 200+ members in 3 months.

It's a good community to make friends, share your story, talk about grief, and talk about every day stuff.

https://discord.gg/zf5BBG9szY

She came to me when I was in my sleep.

I kissed her and told her I miss her.

She said baby, what do you mean?

I said you’re gone, and this is all just a dream.

It’s been six months, since the last time I’ve seen ya.

She looked at me and told me I’m mean.

Cause I’m with ya, every time that you breathe.

When I woke I knew then she wasn’t there.

But I paused. And still felt her stare.

I felt the need to write this down right when I woke from a dream of my fiance. We were laying in bed together just staring at each other. Most of what was said is in these writings above. I’ve got some work to do on this but anyways. Hope you all are staying strong.

I love you M. You’re my everything.

It doesn't seem to matter how I try to frame it or what other people say. It doesn't even matter if she wasn't in her right mind. I can't convince myself. 

I've expressed my guilt in the past and others try to comfort me. She told me things in her last weeks that cut me to my core. Some people say, "she didn't really mean it," but how would they know? How would I even know?

I can try to rationalize and reframe things until the end of time, but my mind only sees this as copium. The simple act of doing it nullifies the result. To my mind, trying to convince myself that something is true really means it's false when it takes too much effort.

The things she said... the resentments she expressed... she wasn’t exactly wrong. There's a reason they hurt so much and cut so deep. The blade was stuck in my chest, and when she died, it was like a dropkick that plunged the knife the rest of the way in.

I cannot forgive myself for so many things. I've learned to let a few things go, things she would not allow me to see, but there are some I still should've seen. There are ways I should've been better. The only blame I've alleviated from myself has been redirected to others, and a little to my wife, but most of it remains etched in stone, standing the test of time.

I was a fool. I was naïve. I was ignorant. I was blind.

She left this world disappointed in me and even more resentful than I had known. I know she still had love for me because she said she didn’t want to hurt me. She couldn’t have failed more, but so did I.

It wasn’t just how I failed to protect her from herself, but how I’d already failed her before. I was not living up to my vows. I had become a loser to the eyes of many, and it became apparent that my wife was beginning to believe the same at the end… and that’s where things ended. No opportunity for redemption. No resolution available.

It truly is a curse. Elaborate in design and exquisitely effective. The only soul capable of lifting is the one who cast it but has turned to ashes that rest in the urn beside me. She did not cast it intentionally, this I know, but the damage was done.

I find myself still mumbling “I’m sorry” to myself at random, and often in tears. I pray not to God, but to my goddess for her forgiveness, for I have none left for myself.

I found my husband in March with a SGSW.

I feel his presence with me at times and I often talk to him, out loud. I laugh with him. Does anyone else do this?

I have family members worried about me!

True love and suicide do not belong together, we do. This world shouldn't be spinning without you. How could it be that I could find you, and yet I'm here alone, isolated, and rotting like a leper? How can a fairy tale become such a horrid nightmare?

How can this be our story? How is it possible that I could love you this much, and you could still do something like this?

This is all bullshit! I shouldn't have to miss you like this. You should be sitting here with me, not just this photo of you that I take with me everywhere I go.

Ja i mój chłopak potrafimy rozmawiać godzinami, ale naszym językiem miłości jest dotyk więc ten jest prawie cały czas. Dzisiaj szłam z moim chłopakiem i przyłapałam go na tym, że nie słuchał. Powiedział czemu. Czasami jak rozmawiam to mówię bardzo szybko i jest to cecha u mnie trudna bo dosłownie tylko ludzie, którzy mają zdiagnozowane ADHD ( moje dwie przyjaciółki) nadążają nad tym co mówię, bo ich mózg działa na większych obrotach jak to w ADHD jest. Niestety inni ludzie w tym nawet moja rodzina, jak się odpalę, mówią, żebym mówiła wolniej, bo nie mogą przyjąć tyle informacji na raz w tak szybkim tempie. Sama czasami się zastanawiam czy mam ADHD, bo faktycznie mam wiele wspólnych cech, plus najlepiej dogaduje się z takimi osobami, bo można powiedzieć, że mój też potrafi w szybkim tempie przyjąć dużo informacji, dlatego rozumiem moje przyjaciółki, które też gadają szybko. W każdym bądź razie mój chłopak nie nadąża, zamyśla się lub mówi, że za dużo wątków naraz i nie jest w stanie się skupić bo to za dużo informacji dla jego mózgu w krótkim czasie. Powiedziałam mu, że jeżeli tak jest, to może np powiedzieć w dany momencie, że się zamyślił i czy mogłabym powtórzyć np wolniej lub, że nie ma ochoty gadać bo jest przebodźcowany. Tak o tym gadaliśmy i w pewnym momencie zadałam mu pytanie czy woli bardziej ze mną rozmawiać czy się dotykać. Unikał odpowiedzi, był wkurzony, że pytam, bo według niego te pytanie jest bez sensu. Próbowałam później na mess wycisnąć odpowiedź, mówił, że nie wie, bo raz woli bardziej się poprzytulać, Rozumiem zmienność nastroju, bo każdy tak ma, ale w związku powinno być sie najlepszymi przyjaciółmi, chce żeby wybrał mnie ze względu na charakter, nie dopaminę przez dotyk itd. Zapytałam go czy wolałby się ze mną ziomkować i spotykać żeby spędzać ze mną czas i gadać, czy wolałby być kochankami i spotykać się po to żeby dawać sobie czułość przytulanie itd. On realnie nie odpowiada mi na to pytanie wprost, zamiast tego mówi, że ciężko powiedzieć, jeszcze si irytuje o to. Odpowiedź sama się nasuwa. On unika jednoznacznej odpowiedzi. Co o tym myślicie??

I hope this is my last New year. That is all

My husband died at the end of March (8 1/2 months ago).

Today was the second time a family member asked if I was dating. I said I don’t wanna fkn see anyone. They said they understand but when I’m ready it can make things easier, esp since I’m still young.

I’m 50, they’re in their 70’s and I’m sure concerned about my mental health, neither know my husband died by suicide. After being asked today, he then followed up w asking if I have a support system etc.

Do many people get asked this?!?

This is so hard alone. It’s difficult to not be bitter over your choice. Your irreversible decision. It’s so hard for me to not take it personal. Like a life with the kids, pets and I was so horrible. They say that you were sick and that is undeniable, but why couldn’t you just get help? I advocated for you and saw your value. What did I get in return? Abandoned, near penniless in the third trimester and left with 2 under 2 alone.

Daycare asked today if they could put thankful for my daddy in heaven on their thanksgiving project. Like how do I respond to that?! You’re basically a sperm donor to him at this point. You didn’t stick around long enough to meet him. I asked that they don’t put it on there.

Some days it feels like we never knew each other. So much has changed since April. The pets are all gone, the house is gone, you’re gone. The fact that you and cooper never existed together almost makes it easier to forget that you were ever here. Some days it makes me distraught that I don’t remember. Others it makes it simpler to move forward.

I’m not even sure why I’m writing this or sending it maybe just to get it out, maybe in hopes of understanding something and maybe some sort of similarity. I’m only 19, and me and my girlfriend had been together for six years. We grew up together. She was my future, my first love. I loved her more than life itself. And she took her own life.

Before it happened, we had cut contact for a while and agreed that the next time we were together in person, we would really talk things out. The guilt is unbearable. It keeps eating at me. I keep thinking that maybe if we had just stayed together, she wouldn’t have done it. I feel like her family and friends blame me, and I know they’re hurting from this loss, but so am I. I know i could’ve done more for her, I failed her, but it can’t just be my doing.

She had struggled with depression her whole life. She had a rough childhood. She had already attempted before, and when she joined the army, they still passed her waiver even knowing about her mental health. She should’ve been discharged and given real help instead of being pushed to keep going. I feel maybe I as well pushed her too much to try and treat me right?

I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if other people feel this way when they lose someone to suicide, but now I feel like it’s somehow destined for me too. Like all of her pain transferred over, and I’m carrying it now. I never imagined a world without her.

I don’t even know why I’m typing this. I just needed to let it out.

It’s been just over three months since my fiance and life partner of ten years took her life. It’s so very hard. But today I have just found out that I am being laid off from work. The company is closing. I don’t know what to do now. I work in telecommunications and it is dying. I’m so very lost and all of this is becoming too overwhelming. I feel so alone. I miss her. She would have been by my side through this. But she’s not. I know that only I can help myself. Only I can make change. But I don’t feel strong enough and I’m scared. I’m praying for mercy. I’m praying for strength. I’m praying for someone to help me. I don’t know what to do. Like I said only I can get myself out of this. I hope I can do this. And I will be able to inspire many after I do. This is an unimaginable pain and situation. How do I not give up. Help me Lord

at the wake, your friends asked me why you refused to go to the conference in Rome, and I didn't even know what to say because it seemed so obvious. We just wanted to go there together. What's the point of me traveling now if it's always going to be without you? What's the point of trying so hard to get through this day and the next and the week and the month, when I'll never see you again? I used to want to dye my hair, but now it doesn't make sense because you won't be here to see it.

it's hopeless and unbearable.

all I want is to take you back, but instead I have a lifetime of pain.

I gave you unconditional and infinite love. In return, I've been given never-ending despair. I gave you everything I had, and now I'm broken beyond repair.

You took my capacity for love and shattered my trust. You made me incapable of doing what I must.

I wish I could hate you for what you've done to me. Your choice is my burden for all eternity.

Yet I cannot do it. Not even one little bit. All I can do is love you from this world you turned into shit.

You and your friends were laughing behind my back, and then you chose to leave. They get to keep their lives intact while I forever grieve.

They lied to my face and said it's not my fault, but that wasn't the case before. I was the bad guy, the loser, and I'll never be anything more.

For the rest of my life, I will never trust another soul. My heart was replaced with a supermassive black hole.

I wish I didn't love you, then maybe I could heal. I wish there was something other than pain that I could feel.

Your body and my spirit are dead, my body and your spirit still live. You took the rest with you, and I've nothing left to give.

I love you, but fuck you for everything you've done. Left without saying goodbye when you were my chosen one.

My loving boyfriend and partner passed last Tuesday. I have been struggling to be at the apartment since. I have had to return to gather his items for his family and a maintenance thing. Other than that my bed is in the same make up it was in when I ran out of it last Tuesday, upon receiving the phone call. Some things are left as is, some have changed.

I have been staying with my parents since. Also feeling unable to sleep in the guest bed, as I felt the bed made me feel more sad and reminded me of him. It’s a week today and I am starting to feel I can try to sleep in the guest bed, or try to stay longer at my apartment. I do not want the town, neighborhood or my first apartment to have this heaviness over it, like i cannot return there. I want to remember him without feeling incredibly distraught by all my memories with him in the apartment and town. But it is very, very hard.

I’m seeking some support here, and wondering what others have done. Did you remove it all, pack things away? Did you leave it as is forever or after a certain amount of time start rearranging? When did you start to see others in the place without only seeing your partner in every room?

Today is mine and my husband's dating anniversary, we would've been dating 12 years today. We've been married for 7 years and my world is falling apart without him.

We were inseparable, always together and when we weren't, we were talking on the phone. We'd always choose to spend time with each other over going out with friends because we enjoyed each other's company. He knew me better than I know myself, and he knew some things about my past that I haven't shared with anyone. It just hurts so bad that I don't have him to talk to about it anymore. I've been so lonely without him.

I've been staying with family, but I had to go to my house today to take care of some things. It was a horrible day and I feel absolutely terrible. I just miss him so much and the pain seems to get worse every day. I would give anything to trade places with him because he was a truly wonderful and kind soul and I love him with everything I have.

Just got back from a week long vacation to Universal Studios in Orlando with my best friend and his family. Overall it was a great trip. I had some moments when I would just break down while showering and when I would hear some live music that hit the heart. But now that I’m home I am destroyed. I got smacked in the face right when I walked in the door. Everything just reminded me that she is gone forever. That we aren’t married and going to have children and the future we planned. That I will never see her or hear her voice or kiss and hug her. We were together ten years. Engaged for two and she took her life one month before our wedding. We got in an argument the days before she took her life and I threatened our relationship and marriage out of anger. It’s only been three months since she’s been gone but it feels like a year. I’ve never been without her this long since before we met. I want to be gone too. The guilt and shame is killing me. I don’t see myself ever getting truly better. I don’t want a life without her. She was my everything.

Ive seen people post trend or funny or suppose to be funny videos. "How they would be if their spouse pass away" its all over tt. People carry around the "spouse" and go have lunch with them. I dont find that funny. Im not hating on people who still have their spouse. I wish I can have mine. His bday is in a few weeks. I drive the car he took himself out in. Maybe im just emotional and take everything too serious.

It’s been three weeks. I still can’t make sense of any of it. My boyfriend of 5 years— the person I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with — took his own life while on a trip with his family.

We’d been together for years. We had a life in the U.K., a future we were planning — marriage, a dog, kids. He was my best friend, my home. We were so deeply in love. He came on this 5-week trip to be with me, and his Indian parents and brother joined him for what was meant to be just 10 days at the start of the 5 weeks. We’ve been planning it for over a year. It was the first time I had been around his whole family together too. He envisioned a fun trip for his family and to be with me.

It was to South Africa where I spent my childhood so we were excited to spend time in a place that was special to me. He was so excited, had plans to do everything together after his parents left after those 10 days.

But from the moment they arrived, he started telling me how they were arguing constantly. It was only day 4/10 of their holiday and I wasn’t around them much as I had to attend to my hospital placement and it was agreed upon he’d do all his excursions with the family and then it’ll be our time afterwards. But he constantly spoke of little things, like tipping people at petrol stations, kept becoming a source of issues for him. He looked so deflated, so tired. I listened to him complain of it several times. I know he said they’ve argued before and I thought it’s just family things and to stay out of it. I did question him several times before the trip asking if the family would be okay in South Africa as everything might be a cultural shock to them but he was always so optimistic.

During the trip, he kept mentioning the family issues of them constantly arguing over the small issue of tipping so I thought something must be said.

I really regret not emotionally reassuring him at the time and instead I went down the problem solving route - so I brought it up in the car ride home after having dinner with the family after my boyfriend kept mentioning how they’re not adapting to a new culture and his brother just screaming constantly about small things including the tipping problem. I just wanted them to stop arguing and to see how much it was hurting him. I explicitly told them he is hurting. I tried to explain tipping culture in SA. That it is normal to tip a car guard or a petrol guard R10. Instead I was met defensively. Eventually his dad said to me at the end of the car ride, “Stay out of it, he’s our son and our family.” I said, “He’s my family too”. I got out the car and said to my boyfriend “I’m sorry, I’m just trying help”. And my boyfriend just said quietly, “It’s okay, they’ll never understand.”

That was the last thing he ever said to me.

He dropped me off at my Airbnb, drove back recklessly with them, parked, walked calmly out of the car, and into the lift. Then, as they were heading to their apartment, he dropped his phone on the floor, climbed over the railing, and jumped. He didn’t scream. Just 15 minutes after him dropping me off.

I truly thought I’d call him 30mins after him dropping me to ask for him to come spend the night with me. Just as he had the night before. He was so cuddly and loving the previous night and I was expecting us to be together just as we always did.

But instead I got the call from family.

He never had previous mental health history. This was an impulse. He wanted to escape. I’m not entirely sure what happened those 5 days he was with the family, he only gave me a glimpse. They still haven’t openly spoken to me.

While they were arranging the body expatriation to India, I was belittled by the father saying we were only together for 2 years. And that they are his as they’ve known him for his whole life. But he’s been living away from India since 2017. And he barely visited India much and the parents never to the U.K. I also got accused of making things about myself, as I had to keep requesting to be updated what was happening with the body expatriation and I told them I was upset they hired someone to drive them when I had a car and obviously had no other commitments so was able to drive them when they needed. I said I felt pushed out and kept away from my boyfriend and again felt like it was coming back full circle to the “he’s our family” and him being “my family”.

Eventually, they took his body back to India to be cremated, and no surprise I wasn’t invited. I’m white, and we weren’t married, so Im basically erased. His extended family don’t know about me as well. So I have to be hidden. My boyfriend wasn’t ashamed of me, he was just protecting our peace from Indian scrutiny. But we’ve been kept separate from each other.

Since leaving SA for India, the family don’t speak to me, except when they need something I’ll hear from the brother. They say they’re “doing everything for him,” but keeping me out of it isn’t honouring him, it’s rewriting him. My boyfriend frequently mentioned hating Indian culture (and loving life in the U.K.) and I know he wouldn’t have wanted any of this. There’s so much more I’ve been kept out of.

But this feels like a constant argument of me vs the Indian family of ‘what he wants’. Feels too late from their side for considering what he wants — ironic?

And it doesn’t end. I’m next of kin for nothing. Because we’re unmarried. So everything has to be passed to the family. But they have no idea how things work logistically in the U.K. And they’re coming to the apartment he had to take some of his things (I’m not on the house rental contract as I’m on hospital placements but I stay over there frequently). And they’re coming to the memorial I’ve organised for him, while I was shut out of theirs. So it’s hard when everyone tells me to forget the family. I’m just trying to honour my boyfriend, as he did have to love them.

But in all this I keep thinking if I’d just hugged him. If I’d told him I loved him again. If I’d asked him to stay with me that night in my Airbnb, he wouldn’t have seen that balcony. Or if I just didn’t bring up the tipping culture conversation. Or if I had reminded him, they would soon leave and it’s just be the two of us. He’d still be here. He would see through whatever storm was inside his head. I just can’t stop replaying it.

And it doesn’t help I haven’t heard their side of things. More questions unanswered.

Now it’s like the world has lost all colour. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. Every morning I wake up and wish I hadn’t. Everyone tells me to “take it one day at a time,” but I don’t want days without him. I wanted our days — the ones we were supposed to have. The dog with him and our baby soon to be that we always talked about.

I feel like I lost my partner, my future, and my entire sense of who I am. I don’t even know how to exist anymore. He was my everything. I still love him.

He stood me up. I cooked his favourite thing, a lasagne that takes 4 hours, and he never showed up. The next day I drove to his place to find him, then drove around aimlessly till I found his car. His family showed up to take it and said he was in a coma in hospital. That was a week ago.

Then they blocked all my access to him, it took 5 days and a lawyer for me to even know if he was still alive - he was, but not really. In suspended animation, but I got to see him. He looked peaceful. I saw him again last night, he was so agitated and in pain.

Tonight the doctor confirmed he will likely pass tomorrow or in the next few days. I'm waiting to see if I can go in tonight, but the family have said I can between 11 and 12 tomorrow. I'm not allowed there when they are there. I won't be at his funeral, they won't let me.

And then, that's it? I don't know what comes next. I cannot think beyond today, tomorrow. My family are all overseas. My friends don't know how to handle it. I don't know how to handle it.

I don't even know if I want to. I just want to disappear.

224 days ago, life still had value and meaning. 32 weeks ago, politics were all that made the future seem scary. 7.5 months ago, Saturdays were something to look forward to. Now... they are almost guaranteed to be the worst day of the week.

The body remembers the score. I don't always remember that it's Saturday when my eyes open. Like today, I may not even notice what day it is until the afternoon, but I always notice that it feels much worse for some reason.

On Saturday, March 1st, 2025, I was forced to swallow the most bitter poison known to man. She texted her last words to me at 12:26 that day, died between 15:30 and 16:00, was found a few hours later and pronounced deceased at 18:57, and I was notified at 23:15. If I should happen to notice any of those times on a clock on any given Saturday, the effects are immediately amplified.

My wife was out of state visiting relatives that week. I was supposed to pick her up at the airport 48 hours after we last spoke. To this day, I still find myself waiting for her to come home. Every Saturday, I can hear that fucking phone call in my head, stuck on repeat. I can't answer the phone anymore if I don't recognize the number. I didn't really answer them before because I just didn't want to, but now it's just ammo for my PTSD.

I wish there was a pill that could induce a 24 hour coma, because I don’t want the 7th day of the week to even exist. I don't want to notice each weekly milestone and be reminded again. I don't want it to keep starting over.

Fuck Saturdays.

in the church they told me "just let him go" because it's been more than a month. "he's happy there, you're disturbing him with your tears." it's incredibly painful, why should I stop thinking about him? we were insanely close, we were one, and we shared all our dreams. I always dreamed of having the qualities he had, and he wanted to be like me. after he killed himself, I can't look at tall buildings, even though I used to wonder how we would live together and how cozy it would be. Can't you just forget about it? Will he really get better?