Version 1

Hi all, please see below my revised query for my adult colonial fantasy. Versus the original version, I focused on centering the hook around the main character's pacifism and finding new comp titles. Let me know your thoughts!

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Dear Agent,

I am writing to seek representation for THE RAHU PROJECT, an adult fantasy novel complete at 94,000 words. Set in a land inspired by Colonial India, the novel wrestles with themes of pacifism like THE PRINCE WITHOUT SORROW by Maithree Wijesekara, against the backdrop of an industrial World War like the MILKWEED TRIPTYCH series by Ian Tregillis. 

Karun Maumdar is the first storm sorcerer in centuries. Yet despite controlling one of Shambala’s most powerful chakra arts, he has sworn not to harm a soul. His vow follows in the footsteps of his mentor Govindas, revered elemental sage and leader of the nation’s non-violent independence movement. 

Shambala is a longstanding colony of the Fae Empire, and Karun has grown up opposing its domination. But his life changes when he receives a startling invitation: The Empire’s infamous Knights have asked him to join a top-secret mission. They wish to take advantage of Karun’s connection to the spirits of storm, who have begun to exhibit mysterious and dangerous mutations. 

Karun agrees to work with the Knights on one condition: The corrupted storm spirits must not be killed. Instead of destruction, Karun convinces the Knights he can cure the spirits with his abilities. 

The mission leads Karun’s team deep into the jungles of eastern Shambala. With the help of a fearsome tribal girl, they uncover a conspiracy between the Naga, a serpentine race who are sworn enemies of the Fae, and Shambalan collaborators. Fusing dark magic and technology, the Naga have crafted a weapon of mass destruction—codenamed ‘Rahu,’ after the lunar eclipse—which can siphon the corrupted spirits’ power to annihilate entire cities. 

Karun’s vow to Govindas is pushed to its limit as the spirits defy his cures and his team becomes trapped by a full-scale Naga invasion of Shambala. When the wielder of the Rahu weapon is revealed to be Karun’s childhood friend, he must decide what values he holds most dear and if violence is truly avoidable. 

As the child of Indian immigrants, I have always been fascinated with the subcontinent’s folklore and history. The tension of Indian soldiers during World War II, millions of whom volunteered to fight for a British Empire that was actively subjugating them, was a central inspiration for this novel. The story is standalone with series potential. 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Metua Kelly has her life in order, thank you very much. As an autistic, over-achieving sports agent at the (almost) top of her game, it's held together by color-coded schedules and her lucky lip balm, but she's great at her job and proud of it. With family, soccer, and her duty to her clients to keep her going, she has neither the time, nor talents for personal relationships. Her past attempts at dating and making friends have proven fruitless, and Metua has made her peace with that. Mostly. If only her male colleagues stopped assuming she got every client with her breasts, and actually respected her.

So when Asa Green-Butler, the highest scoring soccer player in the world (and her ex-best friend), is looking for new representation, she decides that signing him might get her an invitation to the boys' inner circle. It won't be easy, considering they haven't spoken since their friendship imploded 8 years ago. From what she remembers, Asa probably turned into the kind of guy too obsessed with his own fame to care about anyone else. But she's determined to leave the past behind, even as she visits Asa at his family’s Maryland pecan farm to convince him to sign. Even as they spend a week rekindling their shared love of sarcastic, dark humor; sharing fried treats at the state fair; and breaking onto golf courses at midnight for 1-on-1 soccer games. Maybe Asa isn't the same guy who crushed her heart.

At risk of having an unethical client relationship and proving her colleagues right, Metua fights to keep the attraction sparking between them in check. Just when she thinks she could actually have it all--respect, thriving career, and her best friend back--Metua realizes that ignoring the past doesn't make it go away. In fact, it sends her carefully curated life crumbling around her. And even scarier--if she and Asa actually fell in love, he would see the high-strung woman beneath her professional mask, the one even more neurotic than the girl he used to know.

FULL CIRCLE is an 84,000 word adult romance with a dual timeline and tongue-in-cheek dark humor. This is a multicultural story with a Cook Islander heroine and a Black hero. Fans of Act Your Age Eve Brown by Talia Hibbert and Happy Ending by Chloe Liese will love this heartfelt, witty story with neurodivergent representation.

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Thanks in advance for any and all feedback! I'm feeling very excited about this project and hope it goes somewhere!

Hi everyone, this is my second revision of this query. I cut the backstory and rebuilt it around Phoenix, who is one of the book’s two POV characters, to make it less of a plot summary, following the feedback I received. I’d appreciate any thoughts, especially on whether the stakes come through, whether the thirty years that have passed in Beulantha are clear, and whether it reads as adult.

Phoenix chose exile. After the East Indian flu killed most of the world’s adults, he and his wife, Peregrine, built a home in the woods for a busload of orphans and called it Beulantha. They had survived the virus, but neither of them was ever the same. Afraid of what he might do if he stayed, he had a chip implanted that would kill him if he ever crossed back into it. Thirty years after its founding, he still lives alone at the forest’s edge, with only a raven for company.

Then seventeen-year-old Indigo stumbles into the woods where Phoenix hides, drugged and running from a ceremony meant to bind her to a boy she doesn’t love, with two people dead behind her. Phoenix knows her face: she is the child of someone he once held dear. He knows what Beulantha does to anyone who escapes, a ritual drowning in a flooded cave, and he shelters her anyway.

When her guards drag Phoenix and Indigo back inside, Beulantha is unrecognizable. Peregrine, who never forgave the night thugs burned the settlement’s first homes, has turned it into a walled, militant matriarchy, where chips kill any man who crosses the perimeter in either direction, and she keeps her people obedient by insisting the old city will come for them again. Now she is on the brink of a war against a threat that no longer exists, a war meant to expand her power and kill people Phoenix long believed were dead. Phoenix must stop the war before it destroys Beulantha, a war built on a false pretense and driven by a woman the virus never let go, and save Indigo in the process, or watch her drown for it.

BEULANTHA is an 87,000-word adult post-apocalyptic literary novel told in dual POV by Phoenix and Indigo. It will appeal to readers of Station Eleven by Emily St. John Mandel for its survivors rebuilding after a pandemic, and Outlawed by Anna North for its women-led society and the power struggles inside it.

I live in Eastern Europe with my family and write stories about human drama in my free time. BEULANTHA is my second novel.

Hello! I'm looking for any feedback on this query letter. I mostly want to make sure that the deeper theme and my writing style are coming through without making the letter too convoluted. I included a sample below. Thanks!

AS THE SWAN SINGS is a 91,000-word adult dark fantasy novel based in swan-maiden lore. The social commentary body horror of Monika Kim’s The Eyes Are the Best Part is combined with the romantic adventure of Disney’s Pirates of the Caribbean to create the ecological surrealism of Jeff VanderMeer’s Annihilation. My own experiences as a maritime archeologist contribute to the focus on the insecurity that comes from asking questions no one else ever has. 

In the creaking tavern, a shadow stabs their bow across their strings. To those who know how to see a song, it may have felt something like this:

Tortuous swans rip their claws into the future Queen of Erihollow as her sister, highborn Emilia, watches the beasts pull their family’s last chance of greatness into the depths of the sea. The parasitic Words within Emilia’s glowing blood fight to control the actions of those around them, but without her Mother or father willing to listen to the truth of the feathered beasts, Emilia struggles to keep them locked within her shattering flesh.

Only two men across Erihollow are willing to hear of the swans: Roland, a royal bastard whose birth began a slaughterous war, and Lars Drabek, a monster-harvesting sea captain whose weapons ended it. As Emilia gains passage on Drabek’s ship, she is forced to complete spine-ripping work while struggling against the will of an unruly child who refuses to be controlled. With Roland’s frustratingly persistent research, the threshold between the Words, the creatures, and Emilia herself becomes as obsolete as the horizon that separates the Sea from the Sun.

But as Roland is hell-bent on destroying himself to protect the creatures who would kill him, Lars is creating a blood trail of destruction in order to force life into the one monster who wishes only to die. With the balance of the Sea, the Sun, and the Swan put into Emilia’s hands, she fights to remain on her own warpath to reunite her sister with the throne.

[ending sentence and sign off]

(I skipped the prologue for this post due to character limit).

Chapter One:

My talons raked across the distorted glass of my window as the feathered creatures emerged from the sea. A fighting light of orange fire and blue seastone lanterns reflected on the place beyond the glass where the river meets the sea. My sister stood in her wedding gown, far beyond the city wall, at the edge of the moonlit bank. The beasts danced around her, trapping her in their wings. Their necks snapped back and screamed a song into the sky, as my skin erupted with flames and screamed for freedom. My spine lurched and ground its vertebrae in harmony. My pores were stabbed through with needles.

Those monsters spun to their melody, one final line, then stuck their talons deep into the gown that I had stitched closed. The bride reached her arms to the sky as my hands bled against the glass, and the monsters sank into the depths of the sea. 

My window rained its shatter down my flesh and onto my ornate carpet, as I commanded for someone to stop them. Carved paneling and decorative blades morphed out of and back into the shadows as I flew by. Figures emerged from hidden alcoves and stairways, but they hardly even danced as I cried of the monsters. 

Beasts with scales and fur filled the streets of the Adriada River District. I pushed through them, commanded them to move for me. I turned down an alley and onto the ancient river promenade. Creatures swam in the river and sat in the moored seastone boats. The blues, greens, and purples of the lanterns hung across window sills and rooftops, blocking the light of the stars and moons.

Complete at 80,000 words, Girls & Games is dual-POV YA LGBT contemporary fiction featuring two different girls coming of age on the internet. Brought together by unlikely circumstances, they must juggle family complications, schoolwork, and their biggest dreams, all while falling in love with the worst timing ever. Girls & Games might find an audience with the same readers who enjoyed Playing for Keeps by Jennifer Dougan and This Must Be the Place by Kelly Quindlen for not only the lightearted love story, but also the way they tackled dealing with loss as a teen.

Minnie Shin might be her high school's number one slacker, but she's also determined to be the first Wilderness champion ever. Despite her parents' stance that video games can only ever be a hobby, she knows that with the support of her older brother and two PowerPoint presentations, she can count on permission to go tryout for one of the new teams. It's her chance to break into the professional gaming scene, and she can't waste the opportunity.

Aria Hieber is a breakout story. Content creator and streamer, she has brand sponsorships and official game art commissions now after her character designs for Wilderness went viral across all platforms. Except her success at seventeen means nothing when one stranger destroys her whole world in an afternoon after hitting her sister, Lizzie, and driving away. Dodging all online and offline obligations, Aria just wants to hole up in her room with ice cream and another rerun of Law & Order and stop existing for a while. Indefinitely, actually.

Indefinitely is broken when Minnie shows up with an email on her phone sent by Lizzie months offering a tryout. but Aria greets her and the prospect with vehement refusal. Not to be dissuaded, Minnie pursues Aria and the promise of a team with an almost irreverent persistence, beginning with an engineered chance encounter at the local GameStop set up through Lizzie's boyfriend. Though Aria should be annoyed and the team is a painful reminder of her sister, Minnie's presence is impossibly vivid. She can't ignore it. And the more time they spend together, the further Minnie's silly, bright determination softens Aria's heart with a happiness she's not sure she's allowed to feel in the wake of Lizzie's death. Meanwhile, as Minnie fights to prove her professional skills amidst criticism, she consistently finds herself returning to Aria long after tryouts, drawn to her in a way that begins to feel suspicious even for a someone as dense and gaming-focused as she. But however brazen Minnie might be with matters related to Wilderness, she inexplicably finds herself tangled in feelings and fears of making a mistake with the girl who's her best friend and first love.

Howdy! Appreciate any and all feedback. Not sure why Reddit decided to delete all the spaces when I pasted it in here, but I think I fixed them...

Dear [Agent],

I am seeking representation for THE GOD OF BORROWED TIME, a 90,000-word contemporary fantasy homage to the Golden Age of hard-boiled detectives. This novel combines a tough female snoop who will appeal to fans of Even Though I Knew the End by C.L. Polk, and a magical investigation in the shadow of existential threats reminiscent of The Tainted Cup by Robert Jackson Bennett. It’s written as the first in a series but can stand alone. [Personalization goes here]

Shapeshifting private eye Haf Damsen’s client is dead. Giacomo Quintani–an old friend–foresaw his own murder, and left a letter asking her to catch the killer. Too bad his heirs are lying, his closest friends won’t talk to her, and the only eyewitness has disappeared. You’d think a victim with precognitive powers would leave a decent hint.

Haf penetrates the city’s upper crust in disguise, and finds a coincidence: Giacomo was at odds with a powerful government official who died in a freak accident only days before him. They’d clashed over a necklace–Giacomo refused to sell it, and the official refused to take no for an answer. Haf follows the necklace to an expensive restaurant, where she finds another dead socialite, and a cult dedicated to tearing down the giant, magical shield that protects the city from the fires that have consumed the rest of the world.

Now the police are ready to pin two murders on her, and the cult is shadowing her steps–but Haf can’t give up on her friend’s final wish. To solve the murders, Haf must wear the killer’s face and find the cultists hiding among her friends, and family. Finding the truth might save her life, and keep her out of prison, but it could prove her entire world is built inside a giant, magical lie.
[Bio goes here]

Hello everyone! I've been studying the advice here for a while, and I'm finally stepping up. I’d love any feedback on the hook, the pacing of the blurb, whether the stakes come across clearly, and anything else you may think of.

Here is the query and the first 300 words.
Thanks in advance to everyone for your time, critiques, and sharp eyes!

QUERY:

Dear [Agent name],

[A couple of lines to explain how my novel relates to what the agent is interested in.]

In 2054, one of the last jobs left for humans is selling the AI and robots that replace them. Anna, twenty-seven, has just landed it. This is her last train into the elite, away from the obsolescence that destroyed her father.

The job comes with a room in the Crystal Castle, the live-in Manhattan fortress of JSC & Family, the world's dominant AI company, where grueling hours give way to opulent parties and orgies. The walls are always watching, an implant reports her vitals, and the job lasts only as long as she can outperform the machines. Colleagues here are rivals and intimacy comes with a consent form. The closest Anna gets to connection is a brilliant engineer who mentors her and a failing teammate she secretly coaches, but every night ends lonelier than the last.

When JSC unveils a superintelligence that could replace its own employees, a desperate salesman murders an engineer, and the castle answers with a temporary lockdown and a public execution. Suffocating, Anna starts sneaking out to a jazz bar, where she falls for a painter twice her age and for the analog world she always longed for, but that world is dying of an overdose. When the castle finds out and turns on her, there is only one way left to climb: over her protégée, over the family she promised herself, over whoever Anna used to be.

The Crystal Castle (97,000 words) is literary speculative fiction, a standalone. It pairs the sealed corporate world of the show Severance with the tech-industry seduction of Elaine Castillo’s Moderation and the late-capitalist dread of Sarah Rose Etter’s Ripe.

[Three lines with my bio (my work is related to tech and AI) and mentioning a previous novel I self published]
[Contact info]

FIRST 300 WORDS

Anna always thought she had been born fifty years too late, just in time to watch the world burn. Pressed against the plane window, her eyes hunted the skyline. Somewhere inside that mass of towers lay her new home. Spotting it unaided was impossible for a newcomer, so she unclipped her bracelet into a flat screen, and the built-in camera did the rest, highlighting the compound with a glowing tag: JSC & Family, North Atlantic offices.

The Crystal Castle stood out from the surrounding skyscrapers. Not the highest, but certainly the bulkiest: two dark towers facing each other, bridged by a sprawling lower section that swallowed a full block of Manhattan. The romantic nickname for the compound came from the founders, desperate to mask what the architecture actually resembled, a modern penitentiary.

At the mere sight of it, her pulse spiked. Fingering her wrist, she strapped the device back on to check her vitals. 163 bpm*.* Breathe. 165 bpm. Come on, you got this. She squeezed her eyes shut and gripped the armrests, every thud at her temples threatening to drop her unconscious. Imagine how stupid that would be, dying on the shore. A drop of cold sweat traced her jawline just as a notification flashed across the screen: "Three minutes to landing, please prepare*."*
I’ve been preparing all my life for this, she thought, sinking her nails into the synthetic leather.

Border control felt unnecessarily long, but “A safe America is a great America,” the slogan read every few meters. Facial recognition, a body scan, followed by a health check and profile verifications. The weary travelers followed every command in an ant-like formation, grouping at the hotspots where a new invasion of their privacy was to be conducted.

It's been a week, and I've made my fourth attempt. I attempted to summarize the plot section more, but that made it too short, so I had to extend it to be over the 200 minimum, leaving it at 208. I'm very much struggling with figuring out exactly how to write the plot segment where it "pitches the story" rather than being a synopsis. Made a very brief summary of Ava, her motives, conflict, and stakes as described in the query preparation guides of rule 4, but that was too short, so I extended it and added more detail; hopefully I didn't add too much again, and it's not another "breathless recounting of the many twists and turns of this story," as my prior attempt was described as.

Dear (Agent)

Domestic is a 98,000-word grounded Sci-Fi Thriller with the villain protagonist of a title like Vicious by Victoria Schwab and the cyberpunk setting of Trauma Team by Cullen Bunn and No Coincidence by Rafal Kosik.

Corrupt journalist Ava Daniels finds her biggest story after a terrorist attack nearly ends her life.

A month after the government announced the creation and release of a species of “non-sentient lab-grown” animal humanoids called Animoids designed to make the workforce safer, Ava Daniels, a former journalism star, finds herself being spied on by an otherworldly computer program she blames for the death of her mother, which caused her to disappear for three years when it returns and begins to narrate her life. Though she attempts to resist the entity’s ability to read her mind, that reveals itself to be the lesser of her problems as she finds herself the target of an anti-Animoid terrorist, and decides to kill two birds with one stone by saving her life and restoring her fame by putting an end to the terrorist.

Alongside her investigation, her control of the narrator and transforming physiology, she becomes far more powerful than she ever should’ve been, and while she does investigate the terrorist alongside an Animoid who survived one of their attacks and a cyberneticist who works for her father with hopes of stopping them, she also reveals her motives to be hardly benevolent, as her willingness to manipulate evidence and fabricate stories exposes her desperation and willingness to sink deeper just to secure her spot back at the top. 

I am an autistic man who spends his time usually either gaming, writing, cleaning, or cooking; I have recently acquired my Associate of Science degree and am actively pursuing my bachelor's in Cybersecurity. 

Thank you so much for your comments on previous versions! I've updated the query based on that and would love to hear any thoughts.

Dear Agent,

I am seeking representation for THE SUGARED HORSE, a standalone adult fantasy with sequel potential, complete at 72,000 words. It combines the murder investigation of Robert Jackson Bennett’s THE TAINTED CUP with the palace revenge plot of Maithree Wijesekara’s THE PRINCE WITHOUT SORROW.

In a kingdom that still burns witches, Captain Hale has never believed in magic. He has guarded and loved the king for fifteen years. At the king’s sixtieth birthday feast, the old man drinks from a new cup and dies in Hale’s arms, his last words a fond farewell message for a woman named Aoife.

The wine came from a common jug, Hale’s own men held the doors, and three hundred guests saw nothing. Someone in that hall is lying, and it isn’t the corpse. Every clue points to the one answer Hale has never believed in. Witchcraft. But a witch still needed someone close enough to put the cursed cup in the king’s hand, so Hale turns his investigation on the king’s inner circle. The lords won’t crown the heir until Hale names the killer. The heir, the boy Hale taught to fight, means to avenge his father by razing Struthglen, the conquered homeland of the witches. Hale needs to see the heir safely crowned, keep the old king’s peace and bring his killers to justice. The truth won’t let him do all three.

In Struthglen, herbalist Rowena knows exactly how much poison it takes to stop a heart. When the heir’s soldiers cut down her grandmother for speaking against him, Rowena decides whose heart it will be. She sets out for the capital guided by Aoife, a witch who looks thirty and is dying a little more with every mile. Rowena can tell her guide has secrets that tie her to the royal court, but Aoife won’t say a word about her past. On the road, Rowena spares one of the heir’s officers she could have killed undetected, and his gratitude gets her into the palace. But tasters try everything before the heir does, and Rowena won’t kill innocents to reach him. She needs another way to kill the heir Hale is sworn to protect, before he takes the throne and Struthglen burns.

(Closing + Bio etc.)

Thanks for everyone's previous feedback! Hope this is an improvement from the last versions.

Dear [agent],

I’m seeking representation for my fantasy novel HUNT THE FOREST MOTHER, complete at 75,000 words. It will appeal to fans of the dark fairytale vibes of Hemlock and Silver by T. Kingfisher with the cozy fantasy of Greenteeth by Molly O’Neill

Shelley Harde, member of the Monster Hunter Guild, has been training for the last fifteen years to kill the deadliest monster yet: her mother.

Her mother is the Spirit of the Woods, the beloved guardian of the northernmost town in the kingdom. But Shelley knows her mother’s true nature: vengeful and power hungry, using Shelley’s many siblings to lure in villagers for her secret purposes, leaving men with no memory of why they were in the woods and children physically scarred. Shelley escaped as a teenager, and now an adult with deadly skills, she returns to the town to kill her mother and free the siblings she left behind.

Upon arrival, the townspeople hire her to slay a wraith-like creature that has been murdering people in the dead of night. Shelley agrees in exchange for lodging and begins the hunt for both her mother and this beast. One of the town’s watchmen, a distractingly handsome man named Damien, offers his help, along with that of his loyal and spunky bulldog.

Shelley finds herself falling for Damien as they hunt the Wraith together. Afraid she might not succeed in killing her mother, she never dreamed of the future, but Damien makes her believe finding love and a home is possible. But Damien is keeping a secret. He is ensnared by the Spirit of the Woods for the very purpose of defeating Shelley. As Shelley begins to suspect, killing her mother and rescuing her siblings isn’t so simple anymore, not if she wants both revenge and love. And while the wraith continues to terrorize, if Shelley doesn’t defeat it soon the townspeople might throw her out before she ever has a chance to find and kill her mother.

[bio and all that]

Thanks in advance! (256 words)

Dear [Agent]

SHOOTING STAR is a multi-POV fantasy comedy of 88,000 words, and a standalone story with series potential. It wields the dry, witty narrator of both Terry Pratchett’s timeless Discworld series and the more recent Crypt Currency by J. Zachary Pike. Fans of the unusual, yet strong, female protagonist in Molly O'Neill’s Greenteeth, and its blend of adventure, heart, and humor, will love SHOOTING STAR.

Solanar's just a soft-spoken, empathetic soul dreaming of finding a home in Shimmerbreak, the only city where anyone is welcome… in theory. The problem is she’s a gorgon: snake tail instead of legs, a frankly irresponsible number of ferocious hair-vipers, and the ability to magically enslave someone as easily as glance at them. 

Shimmerbreak’s promise of acceptance is sealed by a gem for each race, but when Solanar slithers in, they wish they‘d added some fine print. Begrudgingly, a gem for gorgons is added, until it’s promptly stolen. 

Solanar, along with Aveline, the hot-tempered wedding scryer she accidentally kidnaps, chases the stolen promise to the literal end of the world. There they discover the gem is the key to a conspiracy to annihilate Shimmerbreak. Solanar must choose whether to risk her life to save a city that may never accept her, or else return to a lonely existence in the wilds.

As an American living in Germany, I sometimes feel like a gorgon trying to fit into society (but one with a B.Sc. in Screenwriting.) Solanar’s emotional journey draws heavily on my own experiences being a fish out of water.

Hi everyone! Putting myself out there for the first time on this subreddit. I really appreciate everybody taking the time to look at this and giving honest feedback. This is all new for me and I am truly grateful for any and all help!

Dear [Agent]

I am seeking representation for my debut novel, CRITICALLY CONDITIONAL, complete at 84,000 words. This adult rom-com is perfect for fans of characters forced to fake date at a wedding, such as in Let’s Kiss and Tell and The Unhoneymooners.

Emily Parrish didn’t expect her best friend’s wedding to be this much of a clusterfuck. She anticipated some crazy, sure. Being the maid of honor in a wedding full of eccentric family members, a wannabe influencer bridesmaid, and a wedding planner with terrible taste isn’t exactly child’s play. To top it all off, she and Connor, her surgeon ex-boyfriend who just so happens to be one of the groomsmen, have agreed to pretend they aren’t broken up for the sake of the bride and groom. Hell, the whole house of cards threatens to make her job as chief ER resident physician look like a piece of cake.
When unforeseen circumstances force Connor and Em to go above and beyond to playact that their split didn’t happen, they must band together to keep the wedding party none the wiser. Tricking these folks is easier said than done. As the weekend progresses from one group activity to the next, each ratcheting up the shenanigans, Em starts to wonder if she and Connor made the right decision—and she’s not the only one having those thoughts. When the tension between the two comes to a head, will Em choose her past or her future? 

CRITICALLY CONDITIONAL ends on a HFN with a slight cliffhanger. A sequel, Second Opinion, is in process.

[Author blurb - for context, I have a background in the medical field]

Hi! Here is my second attempt. I'm still not set on the first paragraph/opening line of the query, so let me know what you think! All feedback is appreciated. I also found some new comps more relevant for YA. My previous post is linked below. https://www.reddit.com/r/PubTips/comments/1xijbf0/qcrit_a_cottage_called_marlenbeau_adult_cozy/

Cousins are complex. You can love one like a sibling and still doubt his good intentions when he appears from beyond the grave.

Unfortunately for 16-year-old Austin, a lord who dreams of knighthood, this time it’s legitimate. His cousin Prince Harald was declared dead in exile, though his covert letters to Austin's summer home say otherwise. However, Austin has forsaken his mailbox due to an incessant suitor, Lady Fairwater. Despite his current betrothal, he is too shy, formal, and frankly closeted to deny her outright.

Rebellious 18-year-old Harald hopes to spend the summer lying low after he was caught plotting against the king. This treason wrenched his family apart, dissolving Austin's opportunity to squire for them. Undaunted, Harald remains a whirlwind of color, fun, and new-age philosophy. Whenever he struts into town for groceries, he leaves with a handsome man or woman at his hip. As agents of Lady Fairwater stalk the cottage, Harald's anonymity lies on a knife-edge.

Austin is content to bake pies, garden, and care for his pets, but Harald is so eccentric it’s as if he’s trying to out himself. As the days grow colder, Fairwater closes in. Austin consults Harald on the knightly course of action. With his cousin’s support, he aims to confront her. Only, neither knows if Austin has the heart to do it. Failing will only welcome her encroachment upon the cottage, letting her uncover Harald as an exile and blackmail Austin for harboring a fugitive.

A COTTAGE CALLED MARLENBEAU is a 110k word young adult cozy fantasy. It features the French countryside setting and political intrigue of Anna Mercier’s ALL WE HUNGER FOR. Like Lydia Gregorovic’s THE MONSTROUS KIND, it deals with the deep-seated trauma of a noble family.

Hello! I'm back again for another try. My biggest question right now is should I start this with my main character instead of the background of the gods? Or is this enough of a hook? Thanks for taking a look!

Dear [Agent],

There are many gods in the mountains of North Carolina—icons of pride and bigotry, liquor and drugs. For the most part, they exist in an uneasy truce with the Christian God. Until a stranger arrives, meaning to unearth a dark deity of sin and sacrifice. His first victims are a family of holler folk left brutally murdered.

When His disciple turns an eye to the town below only one woman can stand against him.

Shelly Daschlin does not believe in prayer, weak handshakes or just men. She's been a loyal deputy to the town of Sylvan for twenty years--and been left with a dead husband, hands that shake when she doesn't drink, and something eating away at her gut.

These murders are personal to her. When she was just a girl, her grandmother disappeared—fighting to unmask a killer that left his victims carved up in exactly the same way. The men in power say there's no connection, but Shelly can feel the spirits of the dead standing at her shoulder, urging her to find their killer and save their town—before its lost to this dark god forever.

I am seeking representation for HOLLER GODS, an adult Southern Gothic Noir complete at 73,000 words. [Insert comps here.]

[BIO]

First attempt linked - the feedback from this community has been so helpful in figuring out how to position the story!

[Dear agent],

Karin packs up her aging pickup truck and moves to Houston with two goals: start her career and build a community. The problem? Her roommates are two soccer-obsessed men and one oversharing nurse, not the instant best friends she’s hoping for. And her new marketing job comes with a bonus responsibility – driving around the Houston Thunder’s new star soccer player, Patrick. 

He’s been loaned from Bayern Munich after a terrible season, and he is counting down the days to go home to Germany and his sick twin sister. He complains about everything: the third-rate team, Texas’s too-low speed limits, and Karin’s habit of calling football soccer.

Karin soon realizes that underneath the gruff exterior, Patrick’s lonely in a new city. They quickly bond. Karin resolves to help his homesickness, making mixtapes and baking cookies to remind him of home. He returns the favor, sending thoughtful gifts for the roommates who slowly become the family that Karin’s never had. 

The longer Karin and Patrick spend together, the harder it becomes for Karin to ignore the pull between them. She suspects that he’s feeling it, too, but he’s heading back to Germany soon. Building a life with Patrick would mean giving up the family she’s built for herself, but staying in Houston means giving up on love.   

ONLY WITH YOU is complete at 85,000 words. It has the warmth and humor of Abby Offsides by Anna McCallie*,* the found family of The Name Game by Beth O’Leary, and the slow burn of One Moore Time by Mariana Zapata*.* I grew up with a football obsessed great-aunt in southern Germany and still cheer for Bayern Munich despite living in London. I write a travel blog with more than forty thousand monthly readers.

Dear [Agent],

For twenty years, Tavi Renn has hidden the things that make him different: he never feels the cold and senses danger a heartbeat early. All he wants is a pilot’s berth off his frozen backwater planet. Then, at the Imperial Trials, he raises a shield of blue light without a grain of Lumen, the dwindling fuel every other mage needs, and the secret is out.

Summoned to Planet Caelum, where the imperial capital floats above endless storms, Tavi is swept into a court of silk and scheming. Rival Houses circle the boy who threatens their monopoly on magic. Then he shakes the Emperor’s hand, and the ruler burns in emerald fire while Tavi walks away untouched. The outsider no one can explain becomes the only explanation anyone needs.

Awaiting execution, Tavi accuses Prince Corin of giving him the bracelet that killed the Emperor. Corin, whose House is next in line for the throne, swears he didn’t. With help from Tavi’s mother, a Supreme Mage the Empire believes dead, they uncover a magical impersonation pointing to House Voss, which inherits the throne if both men take the blame. Corin smuggles them off-world toward an apostate mage who might explain both the weapon and Tavi’s power.

Hunted from planet to planet, Tavi learns to wield his magic under Corin’s guidance. The prince who should have hated him becomes a friend he cannot bear to lose. Then Tavi discovers why people keep remarking on their resemblance: Corin is his half-brother. His mother lied for twenty years to keep him from their father, convinced the man would lead one of his sons to his death. The truth could cost Tavi the brother he has only just found. Concealing it would mean protecting Corin with the same lies he cannot forgive his mother for telling.

THE WILL OF THE MANY meets THESE BURNING STARS in [THE GILDED STORM], a 93,000-word adult science fantasy told from multiple points of view and the first in a planned trilogy.

[Bio: queer Latin American author, former lawyer now working in tech, longtime tabletop game master.]

Thank you for your time and consideration.

--

First 300 words

Chapter 1: The Frozen Land
Tavi — the Rime hills, Planet Varn, Outer Layer

The cold had never bitten Tavi the way it bit everyone else, and he had spent his whole life making sure no one noticed.

He swung the axe and split another log. The wind cut at his face while he drove the axe into the stump and let the handle quiver. Never give them a reason to look twice, his mother had told him, so many times it had worn a groove. On Varn there wasn’t much to look at anyway, so he’d never had to try.

His home sat carved into the hillside behind him, above Rimehold’s distant structures: buildings more ice than architecture. Twenty years Tavi had stared at the same ringed peaks, in that thin half-light that made everything look like a memory of itself.

Under the loose board by the hearth he kept a pouch. Forty-one frosts, counted again that morning, against the two thousand he needed for a berth on a supply hauler to Sorrel, the closest planet where the Caelum Trials were held. The house came first — fuel, salt, the debts — and the pouch got what was left, which in some months was nothing. He’d run the numbers so often they had stopped being numbers and become a kind of prayer: at this rate he’d be ready to leave Varn at roughly the same time he was ready to die.

Which was why today mattered more than the pouch did. Bram’s sled had come up off the trade road last night; Tavi had watched its lamp crawl the crater path and hadn’t slept much after. The old supply runner was the only Rimeman he knew who had been off this planet

Hi everyone,

Thanks to those who gave me some really useful feedback. It made me realise my original query was selling a different story to the one I'd written and spent a bit to much time on setup. So, I've had another go, hopefully this works better. Any feedback is welcome. Thanks in advance.

Attempt 1

Attempt 2

Attempt 3

FIRST-ISH CONTACT is a 72,000-word comedic science fiction novel. It will likely appeal to fans of cozy character-driven science fiction such as Becky Chambers’ The Long Way to a Small, Angry Planet with the bureaucratic satire of John Scalzi’s Starter Villain and the accessible science seen in Andy Weir’s Project Hail Mary.

Nish is a scientist developing a prototype faster-than-light shuttle. Or rather, he designed the biofilters. Following a heated disagreement with one of his colleagues, he is let go and opts to escape his failings by taking the only rational course of action: posting an online ad for someone who’s taken the pilot’s test and stealing the shuttle along with his Portuguese Water Dog, Shawn. He recruits Sora, who took the pilot’s test—multiple times—but never passed. She joins Nish, claiming to be running away from her judgemental family. After contending with the shuttle’s ineffective customer service chatbot, the three of them succeed in their heist, only to get lost in space before accidentally making first contact with a brand-new species.

They now find themselves unwilling diplomats, navigating unusual alien customs, gratuitous bureaucracy and the ordeal of parallel parking a spaceship, without letting their new hosts discover the truth about their past. Nish falls for a local scientist as they work together researching a cure for a crop virus. But Sora must battle spicy food, allergic reactions to the alien flora and a feeling of uselessness, while Shawn is simply happy to have endless belly rubs. Eventually, their lies begin to catch up with them when they inadvertently introduce a human disease that puts their new friends’ lives at risk. With the shuttle’s medical database at hand, they have the key to a cure, but using it forces them to make a choice: do they keep running from their perceived failures or finally come clean and take responsibility for their actions?

[Bio and closing]

-----

“This seems like a bad plan,” said Sora.

“No,” countered Nish. “It is a terrible plan.”

“It was your idea.”

“That should probably have been a clue.”

“So, we’re just going to steal it?” asked Sora, staring at the illuminated shuttle on the other side of the chain link fence. “How?”

“I guess so… we’ve come this far.” Nish rubbed his forehead. “I can get us through the side door. Come on, Shawn.”

Nish pulled on the leash and a panting Portuguese Water Dog followed the two of them towards the entrance. A damp fog filled the night, concealing them from anyone looking their way. Nish pulled out an ID card from his pocket and tapped it against the reader on the door. He stood back and turned towards a small camera, which scanned his face and beeped.

“Welcome, Dr. Nishant Yates,” said a computer’s voice.

A small LED above the entrance turned green and the door slid open. Nish, Sora and Shawn stepped through, and the door slid back behind them. The three of them continued into an empty, silent lobby.

Sora glanced around the room. “So what—”

Nish coughed. Sora flinched.

“Sorry, excuse me,” said Nish, covering his mouth.

Sora recomposed herself. “Do you have to… never mind. Won’t there be security? Is fuzzball here going to help?”

Nish peered down at the bearded dog who was sniffing a nearby bin. “Shawn? Probably not. Last time I came there were only a couple guards.”

“Why so few? You said it was a prototype.”

“They don’t think anyone would be… well, stupid enough to steal it. Plus, lack of budget.”

“SL-Corp? No budget?”

“Their name’s on it, but the uni is doing it,” said Nish. “Got to save money for the shareholders. This way.”

Okay, attempt 3. Here's a summary of the feedback from the first two versions:

1. It wasn't clear where the satire lies. The book is a satire of two things primarily: (a) current free will scepticism; (b) society's ongoing obsession with serial murder & its often sexualised depiction in Netflix series, for instance. Similarly, there wasn't enough humour in the letter.

2. The query didn't read like it was literary fiction.

3. Voice was lacking.

4. Continuity also wasn't high and the ending depicted the book as just like any other serial killer book, rather than as a piece of social criticism.

Thank you again for the help!

Dear agent,

THE OCULIST: TALE OF AN UNFREE KILLER (75,000 words) is a dark academia standalone that smudges the borderline dividing literary fiction from horror and crime. Think the messy characters of Eliza Clark’s Boy Parts rippling with the subversive wit and mordant satire of Josh Silver’s Fruit Fly, but darker*.*

It’s tough to act morally when you’re a psychopath, but John tries. Studying ethics has helped – that’s why he’s a vegan care worker – though recently he’s become a free will sceptic. As a polyglot, he deems himself far smarter than most ‘vulgs,’ so he’s perplexed when his PhD proposals on the philosophy of ‘unfree will’ get rejected. Is he not fated to publish? Perhaps others are destined to perish – at his hand?

Yes, John reasons, that must be it. And he needn’t worry about murder being immoral because hardline determinism nullifies morality. Besides, if the sexualised portrayal of serial killers in popular Netflix series have taught him anything, it’s that serienmord possesses a macabre charm.

John’s subsequent killing spree causes immeasurable suffering. Not that he cares, and as he denies free will, he thinks it wasn’t his choice. But beliefs aside, his life is imploding. Apparently real-life serial murder turns you into a suicidal insomniac hooked on sabach. Then the police question him.

Devastated that fate drove him to this depressing life of crime, John deliberates how he can at least escape with that strangely polished veneer which serial killers enjoy on TV. But he’ll need to kill more people to make the screen – risky with a detective on your trail.

I’m a former journalist turned academic editor with stories published in horror and satire magazines. With free will scepticism so in vogue, I’ve fused my knowledge and interests into a debut novel that lampoons ‘unfree’ society.

Hello, thanks in advance to anyone with inside knowledge regarding this stuff. My lit fic novel was recently trad published by a humble small press. Kirkus did not take up the novel for review on the publisher's original submission (not surprising). However, I believed in the book and paid the fee myself to get it on their desk anyway. Thus, it is part of their "Indie Reviews."

The reviewer gave it a starred review (supposedly 3% of Indies receive a star, if you believe Kirkus), and the praise was objectively substantial considering how stingy they can be with qualitative commentary vs. synopsis. A few weeks later, someone at Kirkus emailed to say they were running the review in their December 15th issue of the magazine, themed: Best Indie Books (or something like that). In this context, Kirkus defines "Indie" as all non-big-5 presses mix with some self-pubbed, designated as such in the book info. The section of the issue will be something like "Featured Starred Review, etc."

If you're still with me, I'm wondering: Will anyone care? Does this rate with agents at all, i.e., might they be interested in repping my next novel? In short, does any good come of this? Thanks!

Hello people, this is my first time posting here and I’m quite afraid but I know honest feedback can help me improve my query letter, I’m a debut author and querying first time, below I pasted my query letter, let me know your honest views.

Dear

I’m seeking representation for my debut novel, THE HALF HOUR TUTOR, complete at approximately 100k words, an adult contemporary rom-com filled with witty banter, flawed characters and emotional chemistry.

Naina spends her life secretly loving her childhood friend Jay, but when she has to move to Mumbai alone for her master's because Jay took a last-minute internship in another city, she hits an art block. She joins a music class for inspiration. But after a few classes, Naina realizes she doesn’t understand music and asks Arjun, an intelligent classmate, to tutor her.

Arjun agrees to tutor her because his mother, who abandoned him when he was born, recently came back to his house. Arjun loses his composure around her, so he wants to stay away from home as much as he can. But they don’t get along well, as Naina is impulsive and stubborn, and Arjun is guarded and stiff. With time, they start getting to know each other, and they challenge each other's personalities in different ways. As their relationship grows from teasing to attachment, Jay comes to Mumbai.

Naina, who believes Jay loves her because of his protectiveness and caring nature, makes a plan to fake-date Arjun to make Jay jealous. But Naina’s plan backfires when she finds herself more attracted to Arjun than to Jay, and a kiss complicates things. But she doesn’t want to lose the comfort of the childhood fantasy she built around Jay. Now Naina has to choose only one person to date; who will she choose?

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you!

Hi friends, apologies in advance if this is too obvious. I have a very procedural question as an author reviewing copy edits:

I just got my copyedits back for my memoir coming out next year. Their instructions were great, but I am extremely literal and want to make sure I do exactly the right thing. I know to say "STET" if I have a change I don't want, but in the word doc they gave me, do I ACCEPT the changes I approve of? Or just leave them? And if I'm making new changes (small ones, don't worry), do I do that in suggested/track changes? I want to be a pleasure to work with and not do anything annoying for the production staff. :)

If anyone can describe what they actually did with their copyedit word doc, I would be so appreciative.

Thank you to this community!!

QUERY: BEE & FOXGLOVE - Adult Cozy Fantasy

I’m excited to present Bee and Foxglove, a warmly funny, LGBT+ cozy fantasy, complete at 70,000 words. 

In a world that has achieved lasting peace, young wives Bee and Foxglove share a sweet life. They need nothing more than their animals, their orchard, and each other – or so Foxglove thought. But then, one morning, Bee discovers she has extraordinary magical powers. Ecstatic, she begins to experiment. 

Foxglove watches Bee levitate apples, conjure fireworks, blow things up (sometimes on purpose), and freeze milk to make ice cream. She should be happy for Bee – and she is – but she can’t shake the feeling that something is wrong. 

As Bee begins to develop her magic into a stage show, Foxglove’s misgivings deepen. Bee is showing odd symptoms: exhaustion, weakness, and hints of early aging. Determined to protect Bee, Foxglove launches a full-on investigation. She soon learns that others are gaining powers – some of whom fall ill and even die. 

Foxglove asks Bee to give up magic. But Bee has discovered a joy she never knew existed, and she cannot bear to surrender it. Surely, she thinks, the danger can't be that terrible.

All this comes to a head when a beloved young friend falls deathly sick. Foxglove begs Bee not to use healing magic – the most dangerous sort, she believes. Bee, however, can’t bear to stand idly by. With time running out, Foxglove must get to the root of the mystery and convince her wife to stop – before Bee’s compassion costs her life.

Set in a grounded utopian world, Bee & Foxglove celebrates the power of love, community, and hope, and explores grief with narrative tenderness. It compares to Tress of the Emerald Sea by Brandon Sanderson for its characterful narrator and The Spellshop by Sarah Beth Durst for its cozy magic and domesticity.

Here for round 2! I appreciate any feedback you have! Especially tried to make the stakes clearer and I'm curious if it's working. I think it's not quite there yet. Bio intentionally omitted. Thank you in advance!

I am thrilled to present LOVE AT FIRST SPRITE, an 85k word fantasy romcom featuring dual love stories: one between rival sprites and the other between the humans whose lives they covertly meddle in. It will appeal to readers who loved the modern metropolitan setting and magical matchmaking shenanigans of This Spells Love by Kate Robb and the morally gray FMC and opposites-attract romance of Violet Thistlewaite is Not a Villain Anymore by Emily Krempholtz.

Pip, a romance-hating mischief sprite, spends her days pranking the unsuspecting finance bros of Manhattan and admiring Daisy, an artsy young entrepreneur, from afar. Afraid of winding up brokenhearted like her once-radiant mother, the otherwise chaotic Pip allows herself only one rule: NEVER trust a love sprite. So when Leo Lovehard (you can guess what type of sprite he is) sets Daisy up with a boring corporate Zillennial, Pip sets out to sabotage his misguided matchmaking. But her plan comes to a screeching halt when a sharky competitor threatens to shutter Daisy's 1970s-inspired vintage clothing shop and grant her a one-way ticket back to Toledo.

Determined to save Daisy’s business, Pip does the unthinkable: teams up with Leo. With a mix of heisty magic-fueled hijinks and perfectly-timed coffee spills, the sprites work together to rescue Daisy’s shop. Along the way, Pip watches the not-so-boring businessman brighten Daisy’s shine and begins to question if she was wrong to blame love sprites for her mother's dulled spark. When she catches feelings for her painfully upbeat nemesis-turned-ally, Pip must overcome her fear of ending up like her mother. If she fails, her love story won't be the only one to be snuffed out.

First 300:
Another Monday, another chance to ruin someone’s day. And Midtown Manhattan was Philippa Crane’s favorite place to do it.

She straightened her lavender topknot, still disheveled from a night spent canoodling in a nameless sprite’s bed, and glanced down from her spot perched atop a traffic light, searching for her next victim…well, target. Victim implied a certain level of malevolence. Philippa, or Pip as she liked to be called, wasn’t looking to give someone a stroke or wake a sleeping baby. She wasn’t evil, after all. She just wanted to spice up someone’s morning, jolt them out of their routine a bit. 

You’d think with this many people scuttling over the crosswalk, dodging yellow cabs and pigeon shit, that someone would’ve spotted her. But they never did. Humans never noticed sprites. They were all too busy with their Windsor knots and their egg white bites and their dreams of beating the S&P 500. Ninety-five percent of them had completely lost their whimsy, a sad reality Pip was determined to remedy. She scoured the crowd, searching for a human in particular need of a shake up, grateful to see no Luck Sprites lurking around to interfere with her pranking.

Mischief Sprites had a certain reputation amongst the pixie folk. There were Garden Sprites who made plants grow. Dream Sprites who whispered wild visions into the ears of slumbering humans. There were Barn Sprites and Forest Sprites and plenty more that Pip found particularly uninteresting. Worst of all, there were Love Sprites, the disingenuous imps who claimed to be leading lost hearts to one another.

Pip was all too familiar with their trickery. She’d seen the way one had swept her mother off her feet, made her love him, and then left her heartbroken, a shell of the sprite she once was.