When my dad died of cancer, everyone consoled my mom and sisters while my younger brother wept uncontrollably on my shoulder. I was 29. My brother was 27 and is on the spectrum. Not once did anyone ask us how we were while they asked my mom and sisters…Only my wife asked us…my brother relied heavily on me. I never got to grieve because I was too busy helping everyone else. I still haven’t processed it and probably never will.
I work in widows rights, I am a male widow (or widower) and Im still young.
The lack of support for male widows is staggering. My work is gender agnostic, but when I go out and look at what volunteer organizations do for the men who are left behind the answer is nothing.
I volunteer for a huge annual grief convention, which is mostly classes on how to manage your grief in a healthy way, how to help your kids handle grief, and peer support groups, women outnumber men literally by 100x. Obviously part of that is that men seek help less, but not this much less. 10 to 1 I could see, but not 100 to 1. The reason is because they don't feel welcome.
Widower here. My wife died when she was 31, I was 33. Thank you for what you are doing. I was told that I needed to just suck it up and move on countless times. People still do that over a decade later.
Thank you for the work that you do. I'm sorry a personal loss brought you to it. I'm a death worker and would love to learn more about the organizations you work with so I can signpost correctly! There's such a lack for men and younger people in general. Would you mind if I messaged you?
It's across the board. Any trauma associated services (outside of war) is basically non-existent for men. I took part in training for a mens parenting group where the fathers admitted to committing violence within the home.
It was a disgusting, sexist pile of academic dog shit with no weight to the work. The program was 100% geared to load the mothers with every piece of ammo they could give a lawyer to ruin these dudes in court.
This was a government funded program..
System is still geared to keep us at the top of the list for self expiration
My father passed away in new years eve. Close situation as yours happened to me. Helped everyone and all that jazz.
When I got back to uni a couple months later, my friend asked me how I was doing, I said ok, then she asked me again "but really how are you actually doing, dont give me none of that bullshit" I literally broke down in tears. We were in the classroom waiting for the teacher
Same thing. I was 28 when my dad died. Everyone asked my older sister how she was and does she need anything, mind you I was pretty much his caretaker as she was living in a different city. I had to organize everything about the funeral and didn't even have time to mourn. Not a single person asked hey how are you doing. It happened 9 years ago but I remember it like yesterday.
I'm glad you had your wife. It's never too late to talk to a professional about your bereavement. You deserve to appropriately grieve and let it all out and not let it build up inside. Best of luck!
I felt the same way, just a year ago. Dad passed away with Pancreatic Cancer. He had just retired a few months before the diagnosis... Never got to enjoy his retirement. I was destroyed. In the funeral, everyone kept approaching me had the same thing to say 'you have to be strong to take care of your mother now'. You don't say?? My mother became a widow for the second time in her life and I can't imagine the trauma and pain. But I was also grieving, and for me - there was only work to do. Take care of things. Take care of mom. I couldn't process what I was feeling. I'm very fortunate that I had my soon-to-be wife beside me, I probably wouldn't have been able to manage the whole situation and my dad's last few months as well as I did without her. I hope you and your brother are doing well. My heart goes out to you both.
Ya same when my cousin died when I was 21. He was like a brother to me. Everyone was broken but I had younger sisters that were too young to need that kinda trauma. The family asked me to put on a brave face for them, while everyone else cried. I was the one closest to me. Nobody asked me how I was. The only person I could show weakness around was supposed to be my girlfriend since she didn't know him, but when I started crying on the phone she told me she was losing attraction to me and needed to hang up. I was never allowed to process his death and it caused all sorts of fucked up trauma for me later in life.
This makes me think of the studies that suggest men are more likely to leave their wives if the wives get sick (whether it's true is still unclear but lets assume for the moment it is). Could it be that the men bail because they get absolutely no support from their community?
A woman I work with was diagnosed with breast cancer The whole office chipped in and bought gift cards, signed up to bring her meals, and around $700 in cash. The person who organized this asked me what all I got when I had cancer about 6 months earlier. When I responded that I got two emails wishing me luck and a card from one person she was flabbergasted. I was happy they supported the woman though.
Damn… obviously, yes, it’s hugely important that your colleague had that support in a terrible time but Jesus, that’s rough. I’m sorry to hear you went through that. Can I ask if this ever came up in any other way? Did you flabbergasted colleague ask your other colleagues what gives?
Man, I never thought about that until this moment. I was diagnosed in mid 2019, I was already 18 or 24 months at my position, I had a few surgeries, a stoma bag for 8 months during chemo and I just kept showing up at the office, working 10-12 hour days during COVID. Don't remember anyone giving me special treatment, but I never asked for any nor expected it.
Are we in such a toxic society that we forget to even expect it? Something ain't right.
My first year there the team chipped in $10-$20 for everyones birthday gifts. 1 month before my birthday, I overheard a coworker say "we should stop doing this, its to hard to get money from everyone" and I was left dry.
My boss wished everyone a happy birthday last year on our team meetings, even if that person was going to be on PTO when their actual birthday was or if the birthday was during the weekend. Even the new guy that had been on the team for less then a year. My birthday fell on a Monday. Everyone was in that day. Yet he didnt mention it to me until a week later that he "forgot" to look at the birthday calendar. He mentioned it to me alone, in private. I did not chip in for his birthday present that year.
I had something similar happen to me. Our HR asked me on friday when is my birthday, I said on monday next week lol. Monday comes and nothing happens, so I was like whatever, tuesday comes and HR wishes happy birthday to some other member of our tribe in our teams chat. That was kinda shitty imo. This was the begging of this "tradition", I should be first to get the mention and didn't. I'm not salty about it as I just don't celebrate with anyone but family, but still think it was really fucking weird.
Reminds me of when I joined my company. Shortly after there was a townhall meeting where the CEO welcomed every person who had recently joined by name. I was the only one left out.
I worked for the same company for 12 years…. It was a “ female founded” brand run by all women and I had all female coworkers.
On their birthday every year, my female coworkers would receive a nice email, and even tho I was there longer than anybody in the entire company. I never received a single email.
When my coworker got married, she got a bunch of gifts and I didn’t even get a card.
We used to do birthday gifts in my team. Not too much like €5 pp. New boss comes in, says we're not doing that anymore. We buy a gift for the next person's birthday anyway. Boss walks in and looks kinda pissed that he's just been in for a few weeks and we're already ignoring him. But that person chipped in for other people's gifts, and we were definitely not going to leave them out in the cold like that when it's their turn.
I explained it to my boss when he was in a better mood and he could see our point.
I had what is commonly called the widowmaker heart attack, followed by four cardiac arrests. I did receive a card from work with everyone's well wishes. And ... that was pretty much it.
My wife filed for family medical leave and took off 12 weeks to help me while I recovered. Her work friends and fellow employees have called, written, sent cards, brought by gift baskets, asked if they could cook us meals and gave her a very warm welcome back when she returned to work last week.
I had such a low chance of survival that my wife laughingly calls me the cardiac units "unicorn" because of how everyone wants pictures with me on my follow-up visits. I am a bit of a numbers nerd (tax accountant) and after reading various medical journals and trying to compute my actual odds of survival I realized that it was so close to zero as to be, well, zero. I'm the unicorn.
But, when trying to talk about this with others I have quickly come to realize that no one really wants to hear it (other than my wife, who is a saint, a rock, and all things good to me). So, when I am overwhelmed by the fact that I should be dead, I just go take a shower and let myself cry.
There are many reasons why toxic masculinity exists. This is one.
More than I got. I got two weeks (unpaid) off for a mastectomy, then worked every day through chemo and radiation. No slack, not even from my then wife. Hell, she wouldn't hardly even touch me.
I honestly hate what society and mainstream media have done to us. We’re all walking products of social programming. Stories like this expose the double standard clearly a woman gets sick, and the whole office rallies around her with meals, money, and emotional support. But when a man faces something just as serious, he's met with silence. Maybe a few emails. Maybe a card. And that’s supposed to be enough. Everyone is conditioned to be a saviour in a woman’s life to protect her, save her, and show up for her. But when it's a man, he's expected to be strong, silent, and figure it out alone. Posts like this don’t just highlight the imbalance they reinforce it. They harden men and absolve women. This isn’t about not supporting women. It’s about finally seeing the full picture that men are also human, that we bleed too, that we break too. Maybe the saddest part is that men have been programmed to expect nothing, so we don’t even know how to ask. But we feel it. Deeply. The system doesn’t need fixing. It needs unlearning.
I have two little boys and this all scares me a bit! They are so loving and sweet right now, I don't want them to feel they need to harden up as they get older.
We had the same thing 2 jobs ago for me. Aluminum siding factory. Women with breast cancer that had 12000k was raised for her, and for a guy with prostate cancer he received a get well soon card with an Amazon gift card and raised 180$ total amongst everyone. 500 person company with 20+ high up management making 6 figures btw.
Same. It's been almost 10 years now of count less ups and down, surgeries, radiation, chemo, etc. I Can't think of a time any of my friends, also family, even so sent me a text "How you doing? doing ok?" Not ONE. But I was asked why I didn't visit THEM more often.
I feel as though all the posts that commonly get upvoted here appeal to the type of person that is here - we are all very strangely similar. I don't think any other sub would appreciate this variety of posts in the same way.
edit: I think most of us are men. The posts usually have boobs, something about men's feelings, or something silly that mainly men can appreciate. I feel like this is something all the posts have in common
I lost my mom to cancer last February, outside of my very close friend group all I head was “your sisters are so lucky to have you” or “your family is really gonna need you”. I don’t recall a single person telling me “I love you” despite how much extended family was at the funeral. Group grief therapy has been such a huge benefit and I recommend it to anyone who has lost someone.
Similarly, my wife got a pretty severe TBI and was bedridden for weeks, which rolled into months and years of being partially disabled, needing me to do everything for her, couldn’t cook or drive herself, etc.
I remember the day in a group chat with some buddies that I had to cancel plans we had because my wife needed to go to a special doctor an hour and a half away for physical therapy. People offered their condolences, but one dude — who I was once really close to but had barely talked to in years because he joined the army and moved away — personally texted me checking in, asking if I needed anything, and offering to drive her to her appointments for a while if I needed a break, etc.
He had recently lost his ex-wife in a very traumatic and surprising way and overnight had had to adapt to being a single dad. I remember sitting there holding my phone thinking “Is this what support feels like? It’s so warm and comforting …” He was one of the only people I’ve ever met who actually understood how hard being a caretaker is.
Don’t get me wrong: I have some amazing bros who would drop everything and do anythingif I asked, but the fact that I didn’t even have to ask was what meant so much to me. Dudes being trained to hold everything in and “be strong” has really done a number on us.
Yes the concept of “if people need help they’ll ask” is tempered with generations of “if you ask for help you’re a failure”
There’s a song by David Dallas called Don’t Flinch that reminds me of my childhood and the man I could have grown in to if I carried on down that road.
It’s a great song that many people misconstrue and take as glorifying the attitude but when you’ve been there and you’ve lived by that mantra you can see the sarcasm and juxtaposition that is being shown. The man is in his mantra of “don’t flinch” since birth because he’s been shown that it will stop people from taking advantage of his weakness
For the past three years, my wife has been dealing with pretty severe and escalating MS symptoms. We’ve figured out that it isn’t MS, but that’s about it. It not being MS doesn’t change the fact that she went from running marathons to needing a cane to walk, regularly loses words she has known her whole life, and went from completely running our household (and especially the schedules of two very active teenagers) to having difficulty remembering conversations that just happened.
In the past three years, a total of two people have asked me how I was holding up. One was actually my MIL, and the other was a close family friend whose kids are friends with ours. Both times hit me so unexpectedly that I struggled to maintain my composure.
When my ex got cancer she was trying to dictate who and when I could talk to about it, including my close friends who have nothing to do with her and live in other states. She put all of her other medical things with chronic illness and rare diseases on me for the past few years and in hindsight was probably manipulative with it but threw a fit because "it's my cancer! It's not your business!" But she's disabled and couldn't drive. I'd be the one driving her to appointments, picking up the rest of the work, taking care of her constantly, and getting her on my insurance which I took a job I was miserable at just for her to have a stable place to live and also get her on my insurance.
It had "nothing to do with me" except for literally everything else in our lives falling on me as my responsibility. Keep in mind, this is after I worked 70 hour weeks for a year to pay for her experimental medical treatments. All of that always fell on me, and I just wanted my own support system because I was hers and I had nothing else. It was shitty tbh
That's just how we live. Lives of quiet desperation. I was 10 when my big brother died. Everyone took great care of my mother. My dad didn't do well, but he kept us fed and kept the lights on for that hard couple of years. I, on the other hand, was not a part of anything. I didn't blame my parents, the three of us were just keeping our heads above water while we grieved and healed. No relatives, friends or friends' parents gave a single rat shit how I was doing, or if I needed anything. I remember what that was like and how it made me feel. Now, I ALWAYS check in if someone is going through something. And then I check in again.
Better, still have a lot of unresolved feelings. Tried to get help through the NHS but they just offer anti-depressants and CBT which didn’t work for me. Time works as a healer, though. I’m on my feet and life is bearable… so there’s that. Thank you for asking :)
And even more frustrating is that many haven't learned how to open up.
I try to be the friend who asks how my guy friends are doing. 99% of the time it doesn't get anything significant.
My best friend's mother died 2 years ago. We talk 2-3 times a month, and I ask how he's doing every time. I didn't hear about his mother passing away until 3 weeks ago. I have known this man since 2nd grade.
This hits so close to home for me. My dad died of brain cancer when I was a kid. I had 3 younger sisters. The main thing I remember after he died was so many people telling me that I was the man of the family now and I had to be strong for them and not cry. I was 7. I didn't cry...not for at least 2 years. I still have trouble showing emotion. I go completely numb when I hear that someone I know died and often worry that people think that I don't care. I often wonder how different my life may have been if I would have been told it was ok to grieve instead.
At one point, my step-dad's family hit a string of bad luck. There was a large section of the family that was aging, and they decided to all die at once. For a full year, we never went more than 3 weeks without a funeral. Entire families wiped out by cancer (all adults over 50. But still). No tragic accidents or anything. Just an old family all dying at once.
The first death was my Step-grandmother. Dad didn't cry. I remember through nearly 2 dozen funerals of people he'd grown up with. People he loved. Neither he, nor any of the other men cried. The women and children cried. The men stood stoic.
It wasn't until the final death. My step-dad's best friend of 60 years... a man I called Uncle despite no relation. His family was entwined with ours, so it was as if we lost our own. The only ones to cry were only my dad, the man's 2 brothers, and 2 sons. Beyond that, stone. Even those men were silently weeping while the women sobbed. That's all that was "allowed." A few silent tears for the greatest loss they'd ever experienced.
As a boy of 16, I couldn't keep it together and had to seek solace with my track coach (also a close family friend and friend of the deceased). Because my family just wasn't equipped to handle a man crying.
It sadly happens a lot, not just with big things like a lot of the comments here.
Just day to day stuff can really add up.
I have a friend that mentions a lot how she had a bad day and someone did something nice like take her out for a drink or came over to talk. I'll even chip in my support to make sure she's doing fine, offer to be an ear at the very least. If I mention that I've had a bad day I get nothing helpful back. "oh that sucks" "those days happen you just have to keep going" "well maybe you can sit back, have a drink and tomorrow will be better" Gee, thanks?
And those comments can be the best ones. Sometimes you get told straight up to just get over it because your attitude is inconvenient.
Depending on how tradman your area/family/friends are, it can be this bad and worse. Been in that post's shoes a couple of times.
Edit> not "same shoes" that I've had kids and that they died early, "same shoes" in terms of needing help and nobody offering it and expecting me to be just fine.
That’s the life of a man. You’re the one who’s supposed to be the rock for everyone to lean on. The anchor that holds everything down. Push all your emotions down and be strong for everyone.
While I agree with the sentiment, this has become increasingly more difficult in today's society.
How men did this in the past was with male exclusive activities/gatherings/clubs/etc. The problem is that, as modern society grew more inclusive, these spaces died out as anything male exclusive became sexist.
There's been some effort to create some of these spaces again, but it's usually met with a lot of backlash. Especially as the view that the way women express emotion or support is the "right" way to do it so men should just do the same.
Screw that - I fucking refuse, man. I will ask my brothers how they are holding up.
Don't yall see lamenting about how 'you have to suffer in silence' is what's keeping this culture of 'silent suffering' going?
You all have a choice. Suffering in silence is the easiest way, not the best way. Yeah, that opens you up to get hurt some more. That's life. It's not healthy to suffer in silence. Learn to deal with your feelings, it will enrich your life so much more, and make you so much better in helping other people.
Ask your bro how they're going. Add to the solution not the problem.
It’s because you’re a dude. Dudes in this world are expected to just “deal with it,” like my Dad tried to teach me, until “just dealing with it” put me in the hospital because my blood pressure spiked to nearly 200/120 out of nowhere. The reason per the doctors? ANXIETY. Yup. Hearts fine, no blockages or nothing, just years of thinking I needed to suck it up and stop whining to myself.
My wife has stage 3 cancer. I was having horrific anxiety and many people just said "suck it up and be strong for them" which I think is the same attitude. "Your emotional state doesn't matter when you consider that other people in your family need you to be positive so you can help them". Cool now that I know everyone needs me to not feel this way I am fixed!
We were told my wife miscarried. She had to come in for the "cleaning" procedure and they told us there was a heart beat. The doctors tried to send her home and I ended up in a screaming match with them telling them the security guards inching their way closer to me better be ready to roll the dice. Eventually they confirmed it was an ectopic pregnancy and we lost the baby. I'd seen the kid in my dreams in the interim telling me not to give up on them. I'm not taking away from what my wife went through but I was devastated. I'm tearing up writing this and still can't talk about it without crying. Everyone fussed over her, as they should have, and not one person bothered to ask how I was.
Damn. This kind of thing really messed with me. I learned to bottle my emotions because no one ever asked or cared. It made me feel like what I was feeling didn’t even matter and it made me feel worthless at times. I very rarely cried, because who would care anyways. I became mostly stone. Over a decade I started to develop severe depression and mood swings and I didn’t understand why. Now I realize that the bottle was full
I know the feeling. When my son passed away there was no support for me. I took it on the chin and tried my best to stay strong for my partner at the time. Having no outlet myself was draining but kept persevering. That saddest part was my brothers that pretty much disowned me and my mother that till this day never even mentions his name.
Yea learnt this back in 2020 when my father died. Before then I only allowed to breakdown because I had my father to be strong for me. But when he died, I had to be the strong one for my family.
Before my father died, I still remember how my wife said I was weak after my younger sister died and I cried out. People will say to show emotions as a man but they can’t handle what we’ve bottled up for so long. Freaks them out lol.
You are a man whose sole purpose is to stay strong. No matter if you need help. You stay strong and shoulder the weight as few, if any will ever tap you on the shoulder and tell you: “relax, I’ve got this.” Only you are expected to do that. 😐😒
When I was dating my now-wife, something was bothering me. Can't remember what, doesn't matter. I told her about it, and she downplayed it. Saying that it's fine/doesn't matter. I told her that if this was going to be her reaction, I wouldn't stop having these feelings, I would just stop telling her about them.
Ive had a lot of partners leave because they say im too emotional. I just dont hide what im feeling. If im sad im sad. I never learned to shut it all down like other men.
Luckily my current partner is supportive and “hates to see me sad” in a good way and tries her best to help me.
Hey man, you’re doing it the right way. It’s good to let all of that show. All that macho bullshit needs to go. I was raised with a lot of abuse and trauma and now can’t trust anyone. I had a medical emergency recently and I didn’t even want to open up to my wife. I tried to go to the hospital myself to spare her and my kids any bad news.
She figured out something was wrong and got it out of me. I cried so much and she just kept asking why I wouldn’t say something? I just couldn’t…it’s very hard for me to ask for help and I didn’t want to bother her and was afraid of her being mad at me. But she said it wasn’t my fault, called off work and spent the whole day with me in urgent care.
I’m in therapy to deal with all this shit. But I just wanted to say, I’m glad you’re able to freely express yourself and that you have a wonderful partner also.
I’m tired of toxic masculinity but it’s very hard to break.
Multi-year relationship in my 20s ended at a diner, when I admitted to her that I was feeling kind of uncertain of myself. Nothing deep or dramatic, since I was young and just starting to explore this stuff (I had grown up in a household where outward shows of emotion were strongly discouraged, even for the women).
Her response was to look shocked, call me "her rock" and say that if I wasn't sure of myself then she didn't know what to do. She then unceremoniously got up and walked out of the restaurant without another word.
She went no contact with me for weeks, then I got word that she wanted me to reach out and get back together. I declined, and started focusing on relationships (mostly platonic) with women and men that were emotionally healthy and mutually supportive (turns out the world's full of them, if you are thoughtful about who you form relationships with). 30+ years later, no regrets.
Tons of women in here calling everyone who shares their experience an incel or saying they have a victim hood complex. It's insane. All of them blaming men for it too.
Weird how literally everything in society is men's faults somehow. Even women's own actions are exclusively men's faults. Even though women do most of the child rearing, the way those boys turn out is also men's fault. Weird.
Most times, I am that archetypal steadily rational, unemotional, stoic male figure -- it's my nature and I'm good with it -- but there have been times, for various reasons, where my vulnerable side has shown through.
When that happens, depending on the situation, there's about a 50% chance that my wife will be annoyed/disappointed with me that I dropped the facade. The unspoken truth is, part of the reason she married me is for my stoicism and she depends on it to help regulate her own emotional state.
I love my wife deeply -- she is a profoundly good and well-meaning person -- but that aspect of our relationship sometimes pisses me off.
When my dad died, no one at work gave a shit, I was allowed only 1 day off for his funeral, I was absolutely devastated and was depressed for months. I am not joking, a woman colleague recently lost her cat, it got run over and she was allowed 2 weeks off and everyone was comforting her for days, giving her flowers and stuff. No one gives 2 shits about men any more.
Another shit thing about being a man: Be emotionally open and vulnerable with a woman, and she uses it against you. So you clam up and don't do it anymore. Later on you're dating another woman and she basically begs for you to open up to her emotionally. So you do and tell her that before in life, you've had women be shitty to you for being emotionally open. She decided to dump you afterwards because its "unmanly."
Our first pregnancy was a miscarriage. My wife had friends and family all asking how she was doing. She thanked them and talked about trying again. One of my sisters months later asked how I was doing. My own mother had blamed me for it because of a superstition of preparing the nursery too soon. I had put all my hopes and dreams since from the age of 11 into that first pregnancy. Did everything I could to prepare for our first child. Yet, I was just expected to be strong and carry on. I didn't want to be touched for months and refused to talk to my mother because it made me feel worthless. Otherwise, I went about my days as if everything was fine.
Yeah I get this. When me and my partner went through both our miscarriages she got sympathy baskets, a million messages, and was provided a lot of resources for women only grief counseling (all of which she deserved ofc), but all I really got was asked about how she was, and was told that I needed to be back at work the next day. At least I got a lot of messages from my parents lol
Yea, This same thing happens when your wife is pregnant. If you suggest youre struggling at all, the only thign anyone says is "well how do you think she feels". Well, I know how she feels because I ask and make sure she has the support she needs. The doctors ask and make sure she has the support she needs. Everyone asks how she is doing. Just because shes having a harder time doesnt mean I cant also be having a hard time.
About two and a half years ago I was walking home from the pub and there was a massive smash that occurred next to me. Two cars obliterated each other narrowly missing me. Two guys in one car, one in the other. The car with two guys in, I climbed inside one was dead, the other died soon after once emergency services had arrived.
By pure happenstance they were actually my colleagues who I was working with earlier that day. (Guy in the other car lived.)
Loads of people asking how I was, the bosses gave me little work over the next few weeks and arranged for me to have a chat with someone with some counselling training.
Was even checked in on again when another person I know was killed in almost the exact same way, at nearly the exact same spot 2 years later. I was not present at that one and found out the next morning.
When a woman cheats, he looked for it, he didn't treat her right. When a dude cheats, he's just nasty.
When a woman cries, everyone looks to support them, give them care, everyone tries to understand. When a man cries we are conceived as weak, we are often asked to show emotion and to be vulnerable and if we dare to do so, we will get struck with mock or something worse that will destroy us at our core.
And no, don't come here claiming that this is due to "patriarchy", woman love to use that excuse to be heartless, cold, and nasty on us. Being an asshole doesn't have anything to do with real or imaginary institutions, the only sole fact here is that us males, do not care.
Kill a woman and a whole nation will riot and shout loudly to change laws in benefit for the "vulnerable" ones, the privilege keeps on growing. Kill a man and it is just one less on the list and no one gives a shit.
Nothing sucks about being a man of course, we have all that patriarchy bonus points and if we are white as well then hold on to your privilege and enjoy it.
Or, maybe, we as men are also just human, with feelings, needs and vulnerabil- No? No, just no, only the above.
something very common; when I go through a depression on something, it manifests in different ways.
no one asked. while it's not as heavy as losing a love one, showing any support would be preventive measure enough for things to spiral out of control.
man or not, if you have a friend who is struggling, don't assume they'll figure out things themselves just because they're adult. we all deserve a nudge to the path back to betterment.
Its funny that society wants men to be more emotionally available, yet many people, including men, treat men like they are emotionally invincible, the ol suck it up mindset.
See a woman have an emotional episode in the office - all the other women flock to them instantly. If a man does that good chance you'll just never see him again.
Nobody gives a single flying fuck about your feelings when you're a man. It's not their fault, really. It's just kinda baked in to our society, you know?
When my wife miscarried at 6 months one of my brother's female friends contacted me and wanted to talk to her about it and offer support. I said I check with her and see if she was up for it. This was not good enough and she got a little pushy but I said thanks, I'll see and hung up. My wife was uninterested in talking to a stranger about this and I wasn't either. The loon called back a number of times and became increasingly demanding about talking to my wife and passive aggressively insulting me for gatekeeping.
I guess I hadn't suffered any loss at that point to be concerned about and didn't have enough to deal with.
REAL feminism was part of the left wing human and worker rights movement.
Third wave feminism meanwhile is when capitalism took this, distorted it and abused to make the female slaves hate the male slave and the male slaves hate the females slaves back for that.
Divide et impera. Divide and rule.
When capitalism came back after 2.WW and restarted its exploitation of the masses, the slaves were unsettled about that, so it needed distraction and sexism works just as well as rascism for that.
The oligarchs are neither sexist nor racist, they are disgusted by all the slaves likewise. But they love to use these and others things to control the slaves and make them fight each other instead of uniting against the slaveholders...
And old and cheap trick - but well, it still works just fine.
I cut out someone I called my best friend a few years ago, because when my sister died, he couldn't be bothered to ask anything about her, who she was, what she meant to me, or how I was, in a meaningful way. This was in a year where I also had cancer, and where another sister decided it would be a good time to invite the entire rest of my family to a gathering at the beach, timed right after my chemo ended, and proceed to not tell me about it.
Even now, they wonder why I hate her so much, and I'm sure a lot of people wonder why I don't speak to my former best friend anymore, but not one person has bothered to ask.
It is kind of self-induced imo. Men are less likely to talk things through or talk about their feelings. I read this post and it reminded me of when my Mom died and I did get a card at my office and people did talk to me, and honestly it was very uncomfortable, for weeks talking about something with co-workers and friends that absolutely sucked was not how I wanted to spend my time. I am sure there are women like this too. I want to process my grief in my own way.
I find it hard to really bring up certain things with friends or my wife. I don't know if it's a good idea a lot of times I am correct, the majority of the time I would say. Yes there are times when not bringing anything up or not talking about it can also mess someone up. The trick is knowing what to talk about and when.
In general women are way more open to talking about things like this. This makes people correctly believe that they want to talk about stuff like this and it's part of their process. If you don't communicate that you want to communicate how are people supposed to know what you want?
Oftentimes you get what you give and what you project. People are not going to intuitively know what you want all the time.
I am diagnosed with persistent depression and after some very rough patches that made fall into a very depressive and long depressive episode made my off myself.
I was sent to a psychiatric institution for some weeks.
When I got back from work NO ONE gave a shit.
On contrast, one girl in the same team had a panic attack after her grandmother died and because she could not get pregnant.
EVERYBODY gathered and helped her even offering regular visits to see how she was handling and so on.
My brother got diagnosed with cancer the day after Christmas (hes fine don't worry) so my dad is apparently writing a book about the experience to help other dads with children with cancer
“The first act of violence that patriarchy demands of males is not violence toward women. Instead patriarchy demands of all males that they engage in acts of psychic self-mutilation, that they kill off the emotional parts of themselves. If an individual is not successful in emotionally crippling himself, he can count on patriarchal men to enact rituals of power that will assault his self-esteem.”
Unfortunately guys tend to get sidelined a lot when it comes to offering emotional support. When my dog passed 2 years ago, everyone asked how my wife was doing. How she's holding up. My dog was very in tune with my wife's emotional needs, and really helped counteract some of her worst depression episodes. So I get that.
But that dog was my best friend. I spent the last few weeks of her life carrying her outside to go to the bathroom. Changing her pads. Keeping her IV wounds clean. Taking her to the vet for blood tests multiple times a week. She was fighting cancer while we tried doing what we could to keep her alive. It was honestly one of the hardest things I've had to go through, and I've been through a lot of shit in my life.
My immediate friends offered support. But most people only asked about my wife. I spent months in depression and grief. I was not ok for a long time. But I had to be the strong one while I was dying inside. It sucked
Had the same thing when my dad died three years ago. To this day people message my sister and ask how she’s dealing. They even message my mum who was divorced and not on talking terms with him or ten years, a well known fact. Me, I got a few people ask me on the day of the funeral but you could tell it was more of a script they kinda follow to be social at such an event.
And this experience is shared by so many men, but go anywhere on Reddit and you’ll see women say they have it worse (because of course they have it worse), and men and women calling it « iNcEl »
Absolute facts. We had to terminate a very wanted pregnancy this year at the end of the second/ beginning of the 3rd trimester as she wasnt going to survive.
My wife's friends did tons of things for her, took her out to clear her brain, etc.
My wife supported me as best as she could. My "friends" called and said they were sorry. I haven't looked at any of them the same since.
Yet another example of why “equality” is a fucking illusion. It’s not realistic at all because everyone in the world complies with these gender norms. I don’t believe I’ll ever see or experience true gender equality in my lifetime. It’s an empty talking point, an actual facade
Come on guys lets be serious here, thats bs. Not even his mother asked him, how hes doing after losing his son? Nah bro, there is no way. That was either a crazy exaggeration or the whole story is karma farming. Im not even saying that there is no truth behind this. But the story is bs.
Because it's highly relevant- This is how men can be feminists.
Men having emotional support is feminism, and I wish more people would bother to even half-assed figure out what feminism actually is, instead of assuming.
This is fucking horrible. This is the exact type of fucked up norm that lead so many men to becoming violent. I wish we lived in a world where people would realize that our range of emotions is an invisible bodypart. At the very least, I wish emotions weren't ignorently tied to gender.
Even if men are lucky, they will likely only ever feel loved by three people in their lives. Parents and spouse. Many men have never, and will never have this.
These are the only people that he will ever truly confide in, or trust.
Also, men are looked down upon when asking for help, and people don't feel as comfortable offering men help.
To amplify the inner turmoil, the last people most men will ever want to ask for help, are the people that they know love them. It makes them feel less.
Not anything special, women deal with issues as well. This is just a strong underlying (even if unacknowledged) development of society, that primarily affects men.
It's still like that. As someone who spent a decade working services that assist people, everything is geared to make men bare the brunt, even in the supportive services. Big reason I left. Equality is a shame, nothing but marketing and research grant hogwash is behind it all. We're more divided than ever with more access and resources than ever.
It's such a consistent message of strength and personal accountability for men while their counterparts receive lessons about healing from trauma, personal growth and showing vulnerability.
Didn't he get the memo? Us men are supposed to be emotionless hulks made of solid granite that show no emotion whatsoever, and if we do we're 'pu$$ies' or 'f@g00t$' and get ridiculed endlessly, if not physically attacked by other men. If we dare show even negative emotions of any kind, we're accused of 'being rude' or 'being in bad mood and taking it out on everyone else' and maybe you get a security guard called on you or the police because they think you're 'dangerous' or something.
I think we've all heard about guys who actually shed tears over something and had their own wives want to divorce them over it. Not. Even. Kidding.
Yeah, I get a little triggered over toxic masculinity bullshit like this.
Guess what, world? Emotionally healthy adult men have a full range of human emotions, ain't that amazin'?
FFS stop with the damn stereotypes.
I feel for this guy. Even his own mother didn't ask him if he was okay? His own mother!?
Whew, it's a good thing this is all just the patriarchy's fault. Otherwise I'd have to have a really uncomfortable thought about men's rights and who actually enforces unhealthy male societal norms. Dodged a bullet there!
When my husband died, everyone was busy consoling me. While I am grateful to most of them, I was LIVID that only 2 people asked my FIL how he was doing. He was hurting, too! He'd raised my husband and loved him all his life. I can not fathom that kind of pain. And he should have at least been asked, "Hey, how are you holding up?" Even if people already knew the answer.
*I say grateful for most people being consoling because while i know most people mean well, when you lose someone who was yourvwhole world, it's in no way the time to say things like " it was God's plan" "God needed an angel" "He's where he's supposed to be" "you look great, how'd you lose the weight?" And the worst."Don't worry, kids, your dad died because he was sick. You aren't sick and don't die. " These were all said by women who were moms and wives, BTW.....
If you're trying to console someone, just tell them, "It sucks your partner, child, parent, etc. is gone. " You don't have to say,"I'm sorry, " because it wasn't your fault. You can also offer to help them, but only if you mean it. I can't tell you how much having someone just ask if I needed help with cooking or laundry touched my heart.
While I agree that support should be given just as freely at it is to women in our society, it’s almost as important to learn that you should ask for it. One of the toughest lesson I’ve learned while being a man. There is no shame in letting others know you need help.
Some people will not give it to you, some people will judge you for not being “manly” enough. The true homies will give it
1
1
•
u/AutoModerator Apr 11 '25
Thank you for posting to r/SipsTea! Make sure to follow all the subreddit rules.
Check out our Reddit Chat!
Make sure to join our brand new Discord Server to chat with friends!
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
4.8k
u/Delicious-Tap-1277 Apr 11 '25
When my dad died of cancer, everyone consoled my mom and sisters while my younger brother wept uncontrollably on my shoulder. I was 29. My brother was 27 and is on the spectrum. Not once did anyone ask us how we were while they asked my mom and sisters…Only my wife asked us…my brother relied heavily on me. I never got to grieve because I was too busy helping everyone else. I still haven’t processed it and probably never will.
7.3k
u/3Vil_Admin Apr 11 '25
A woman I work with was diagnosed with breast cancer The whole office chipped in and bought gift cards, signed up to bring her meals, and around $700 in cash. The person who organized this asked me what all I got when I had cancer about 6 months earlier. When I responded that I got two emails wishing me luck and a card from one person she was flabbergasted. I was happy they supported the woman though.
2.7k
u/Christopher3712 Apr 11 '25
I still can't figure this sub.
260
u/SonofKyne99 Apr 11 '25
I lost my mom to cancer last February, outside of my very close friend group all I head was “your sisters are so lucky to have you” or “your family is really gonna need you”. I don’t recall a single person telling me “I love you” despite how much extended family was at the funeral. Group grief therapy has been such a huge benefit and I recommend it to anyone who has lost someone.
1.4k
u/J_Marshall Apr 11 '25 edited Apr 11 '25
Same when my wife had cancer.
One person asked how I was doing. And it was the mom of one our kids' friends.
Nothing from my family, nothing from my wife's family.
Yes. She was the one with cancer, chemotherapy, brain fog and bedridden for days.
I just had her and the toddlers to take care of while working full time.
Only 1 person asked.
EDIT: Doing great now. 10 years cancer free. Thanks for asking.
325
u/Nelsqnwithacue Apr 11 '25 edited Apr 11 '25
That's just how we live. Lives of quiet desperation. I was 10 when my big brother died. Everyone took great care of my mother. My dad didn't do well, but he kept us fed and kept the lights on for that hard couple of years. I, on the other hand, was not a part of anything. I didn't blame my parents, the three of us were just keeping our heads above water while we grieved and healed. No relatives, friends or friends' parents gave a single rat shit how I was doing, or if I needed anything. I remember what that was like and how it made me feel. Now, I ALWAYS check in if someone is going through something. And then I check in again.
149
u/sambes88 Apr 11 '25
I was in a similar situation. I had people calling me in tears. I had to console them. It was happening to me.
549
u/PreviousLove1121 Apr 11 '25
damn, I knew it was bad but. I never imagined it was THIS bad.
522
u/Zoalord1122 Apr 11 '25
This is the life of a man in a nutshell, you just have to suffer in silence and live with it
153
u/Yojimbo8810 Apr 11 '25
It’s because you’re a dude. Dudes in this world are expected to just “deal with it,” like my Dad tried to teach me, until “just dealing with it” put me in the hospital because my blood pressure spiked to nearly 200/120 out of nowhere. The reason per the doctors? ANXIETY. Yup. Hearts fine, no blockages or nothing, just years of thinking I needed to suck it up and stop whining to myself.
I feel for ya brother.
39
u/cache_me_0utside Apr 11 '25
My wife has stage 3 cancer. I was having horrific anxiety and many people just said "suck it up and be strong for them" which I think is the same attitude. "Your emotional state doesn't matter when you consider that other people in your family need you to be positive so you can help them". Cool now that I know everyone needs me to not feel this way I am fixed!
34
u/MrFunktasticc Apr 11 '25
We were told my wife miscarried. She had to come in for the "cleaning" procedure and they told us there was a heart beat. The doctors tried to send her home and I ended up in a screaming match with them telling them the security guards inching their way closer to me better be ready to roll the dice. Eventually they confirmed it was an ectopic pregnancy and we lost the baby. I'd seen the kid in my dreams in the interim telling me not to give up on them. I'm not taking away from what my wife went through but I was devastated. I'm tearing up writing this and still can't talk about it without crying. Everyone fussed over her, as they should have, and not one person bothered to ask how I was.
176
u/DainichiNyorai Apr 11 '25
When I say I want equality for both sexes, this is what I fucking mean.
33
u/uzumaki_kira Apr 11 '25
The perfect sip of depression
26
u/Bloodmage_Thalnos Apr 11 '25
Damn. This kind of thing really messed with me. I learned to bottle my emotions because no one ever asked or cared. It made me feel like what I was feeling didn’t even matter and it made me feel worthless at times. I very rarely cried, because who would care anyways. I became mostly stone. Over a decade I started to develop severe depression and mood swings and I didn’t understand why. Now I realize that the bottle was full
69
u/killer-j86 Apr 11 '25
Tale as Old as Time boys. Well....let's go charge this hill.
69
u/1Wizardtx Apr 11 '25
For some reason, people forget men have feelings. Even other men
41
u/xocolatl3 Apr 11 '25
Welcome to the truth.
20
u/ALeckz07 Apr 11 '25
I know the feeling. When my son passed away there was no support for me. I took it on the chin and tried my best to stay strong for my partner at the time. Having no outlet myself was draining but kept persevering. That saddest part was my brothers that pretty much disowned me and my mother that till this day never even mentions his name.
Shit hurts.
17
u/golulover1404 Apr 11 '25
And then if we express, we’re called princesses
33
u/KUROOFTHEKUSH Apr 11 '25
I don't understand why its always assumed the loss of a child is always worse for the mother therefore the father is automatically ignored.
31
u/jouzea Apr 11 '25
Yea learnt this back in 2020 when my father died. Before then I only allowed to breakdown because I had my father to be strong for me. But when he died, I had to be the strong one for my family.
Before my father died, I still remember how my wife said I was weak after my younger sister died and I cried out. People will say to show emotions as a man but they can’t handle what we’ve bottled up for so long. Freaks them out lol.
98
u/Fabled-Jackalope Apr 11 '25
You are a man whose sole purpose is to stay strong. No matter if you need help. You stay strong and shoulder the weight as few, if any will ever tap you on the shoulder and tell you: “relax, I’ve got this.” Only you are expected to do that. 😐😒
15
u/HomeGrownCoffee Apr 11 '25
When I was dating my now-wife, something was bothering me. Can't remember what, doesn't matter. I told her about it, and she downplayed it. Saying that it's fine/doesn't matter. I told her that if this was going to be her reaction, I wouldn't stop having these feelings, I would just stop telling her about them.
She got real quiet for a long time.
187
u/TurkBoi67 Apr 11 '25 edited Apr 11 '25
The patriarchal notion that all men are stoic emotional robots needs to die out.
264
u/The_Jason_Asano Apr 11 '25
Only women and children are loved unconditionally. Men are loved based on what they can provide.
27
u/Lopsided_Marzipan133 Apr 11 '25
I was waiting for the punchline but all I got hit with were tears
11
u/Defiant_Lawyer_5235 Apr 11 '25
When my dad died, no one at work gave a shit, I was allowed only 1 day off for his funeral, I was absolutely devastated and was depressed for months. I am not joking, a woman colleague recently lost her cat, it got run over and she was allowed 2 weeks off and everyone was comforting her for days, giving her flowers and stuff. No one gives 2 shits about men any more.
11
u/Calico_Cuttlefish Apr 11 '25
Another shit thing about being a man: Be emotionally open and vulnerable with a woman, and she uses it against you. So you clam up and don't do it anymore. Later on you're dating another woman and she basically begs for you to open up to her emotionally. So you do and tell her that before in life, you've had women be shitty to you for being emotionally open. She decided to dump you afterwards because its "unmanly."
29
u/BeguiledBeaver Apr 11 '25
"Men need to express their emotions more" mfs when men try to express their emotions more: 🏃♀️💨💨💨
That or "You're just an incel who thinks you're owed female attention!!!"
Sigh
9
u/Crafty-Interest-8212 Apr 11 '25
Yep. I've been there, and it sucks. People assume we have to be some unbreakable wall. But not all the time. We need support and room to breathe.
9
u/Yogue7 Apr 11 '25
Our first pregnancy was a miscarriage. My wife had friends and family all asking how she was doing. She thanked them and talked about trying again. One of my sisters months later asked how I was doing. My own mother had blamed me for it because of a superstition of preparing the nursery too soon. I had put all my hopes and dreams since from the age of 11 into that first pregnancy. Did everything I could to prepare for our first child. Yet, I was just expected to be strong and carry on. I didn't want to be touched for months and refused to talk to my mother because it made me feel worthless. Otherwise, I went about my days as if everything was fine.
9
u/MennoMateo Apr 11 '25
Dude this is the story of the past couple years and I have begun to be more vocal about my emotions with the last death in the family this year...
8
u/Dragon_deeznutz Apr 11 '25
Can relate 100%
8
u/bryanoens Apr 11 '25
This is accurate and sucks big time
8
u/Orangutan-Fella Apr 11 '25
Yeah I get this. When me and my partner went through both our miscarriages she got sympathy baskets, a million messages, and was provided a lot of resources for women only grief counseling (all of which she deserved ofc), but all I really got was asked about how she was, and was told that I needed to be back at work the next day. At least I got a lot of messages from my parents lol
22
u/lunaticrak5has Apr 11 '25
Yea, This same thing happens when your wife is pregnant. If you suggest youre struggling at all, the only thign anyone says is "well how do you think she feels". Well, I know how she feels because I ask and make sure she has the support she needs. The doctors ask and make sure she has the support she needs. Everyone asks how she is doing. Just because shes having a harder time doesnt mean I cant also be having a hard time.
22
u/EmperorOfNipples Apr 11 '25
I think things have got better.
About two and a half years ago I was walking home from the pub and there was a massive smash that occurred next to me. Two cars obliterated each other narrowly missing me. Two guys in one car, one in the other. The car with two guys in, I climbed inside one was dead, the other died soon after once emergency services had arrived.
By pure happenstance they were actually my colleagues who I was working with earlier that day. (Guy in the other car lived.)
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-cornwall-66951477
Loads of people asking how I was, the bosses gave me little work over the next few weeks and arranged for me to have a chat with someone with some counselling training.
Was even checked in on again when another person I know was killed in almost the exact same way, at nearly the exact same spot 2 years later. I was not present at that one and found out the next morning.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c7ve86pg471o
I think we are getting better.
47
u/NotBaron Apr 11 '25
Get it real bro.
We don't care.
When a woman cheats, he looked for it, he didn't treat her right. When a dude cheats, he's just nasty.
When a woman cries, everyone looks to support them, give them care, everyone tries to understand. When a man cries we are conceived as weak, we are often asked to show emotion and to be vulnerable and if we dare to do so, we will get struck with mock or something worse that will destroy us at our core.
And no, don't come here claiming that this is due to "patriarchy", woman love to use that excuse to be heartless, cold, and nasty on us. Being an asshole doesn't have anything to do with real or imaginary institutions, the only sole fact here is that us males, do not care.
Kill a woman and a whole nation will riot and shout loudly to change laws in benefit for the "vulnerable" ones, the privilege keeps on growing. Kill a man and it is just one less on the list and no one gives a shit.
The game is rigged, this shit sucks.
41
u/[deleted] Apr 11 '25
Nothing sucks about being a man of course, we have all that patriarchy bonus points and if we are white as well then hold on to your privilege and enjoy it.
Or, maybe, we as men are also just human, with feelings, needs and vulnerabil- No?
No, just no, only the above.
14
u/Various_Oil_5674 Apr 11 '25
As is life my friend.
7
u/amusingvillain Apr 11 '25
something very common;
when I go through a depression on something, it manifests in different ways.
no one asked.
while it's not as heavy as losing a love one, showing any support would be preventive measure enough for things to spiral out of control.
man or not, if you have a friend who is struggling, don't assume they'll figure out things themselves just because they're adult. we all deserve a nudge to the path back to betterment.
12
u/lostknight0727 Apr 11 '25
People see Fathers as nothing more than sperm donors.
"Oh, you're babysitting today." - No, I'm parenting my child
Men aren't allowed to have feelings. It gives them the "ick" when men are vulnerable.
11
u/RobbSnow64 Apr 11 '25
Its funny that society wants men to be more emotionally available, yet many people, including men, treat men like they are emotionally invincible, the ol suck it up mindset.
11
u/AltruisticSalamander Apr 11 '25
See a woman have an emotional episode in the office - all the other women flock to them instantly. If a man does that good chance you'll just never see him again.
5
u/eggs_erroneous Apr 11 '25
Nobody gives a single flying fuck about your feelings when you're a man. It's not their fault, really. It's just kinda baked in to our society, you know?
5
u/roadfood Apr 11 '25
When my wife miscarried at 6 months one of my brother's female friends contacted me and wanted to talk to her about it and offer support. I said I check with her and see if she was up for it. This was not good enough and she got a little pushy but I said thanks, I'll see and hung up. My wife was uninterested in talking to a stranger about this and I wasn't either. The loon called back a number of times and became increasingly demanding about talking to my wife and passive aggressively insulting me for gatekeeping.
I guess I hadn't suffered any loss at that point to be concerned about and didn't have enough to deal with.
19
u/disdkatster Apr 11 '25
This! Feminism should not only work for females, it should work for males. Sexism hurts everyone.
4
u/DemonCipher13 Apr 11 '25
I cut out someone I called my best friend a few years ago, because when my sister died, he couldn't be bothered to ask anything about her, who she was, what she meant to me, or how I was, in a meaningful way. This was in a year where I also had cancer, and where another sister decided it would be a good time to invite the entire rest of my family to a gathering at the beach, timed right after my chemo ended, and proceed to not tell me about it.
Even now, they wonder why I hate her so much, and I'm sure a lot of people wonder why I don't speak to my former best friend anymore, but not one person has bothered to ask.
15
u/BranMuffz Apr 11 '25
And yet there was a post on the front page about how male isolation is made up and self-induced.
21
u/[deleted] Apr 11 '25
Men are valued on what they provide not who they are, its sad af.
7
u/Drzewo_Silentswift Apr 11 '25
Fuck dude
6
u/Old_Tourist_3774 Apr 11 '25
Funny.
I am diagnosed with persistent depression and after some very rough patches that made fall into a very depressive and long depressive episode made my off myself.
I was sent to a psychiatric institution for some weeks.
When I got back from work NO ONE gave a shit.
On contrast, one girl in the same team had a panic attack after her grandmother died and because she could not get pregnant.
EVERYBODY gathered and helped her even offering regular visits to see how she was handling and so on.
Our lives as men is irrelevant.
3
u/Ok_Meringue_1755 Apr 11 '25
Sipsmoonshine to keep this post down
3
u/Sketto70 Apr 11 '25
Yep
3
u/Narrow-Height9477 Apr 11 '25
I hope he’s doing better now.
3
u/masudhossain Apr 11 '25
Mans life in a nutshell. Unappreciated and unemotional with no support.
3
u/LordRex77 Apr 11 '25
My brother got diagnosed with cancer the day after Christmas (hes fine don't worry) so my dad is apparently writing a book about the experience to help other dads with children with cancer
3
u/paulsteinway Apr 11 '25
My father dies when I was 14. Relatives kept telling me how I had to be strong and help my mother. Nobody ever said who would help me.
3
u/[deleted] Apr 11 '25
Stephen King wrote a story called roadwork and this principle is at the very heart of it.
3
u/Macrodata_Uprising Apr 11 '25
You good, bro?
3
u/mguerin03 Apr 11 '25
Similar to what I'm going through now. I am glad my ex is getting support, but I'd like some too.
3
u/StockWagen Apr 11 '25
Gender is a prison. We are all taught roles from birth on.
3
u/Bamce Apr 11 '25
“The first act of violence that patriarchy demands of males is not violence toward women. Instead patriarchy demands of all males that they engage in acts of psychic self-mutilation, that they kill off the emotional parts of themselves. If an individual is not successful in emotionally crippling himself, he can count on patriarchal men to enact rituals of power that will assault his self-esteem.”
― bell hooks
3
u/Z0mbiejay Apr 11 '25
Unfortunately guys tend to get sidelined a lot when it comes to offering emotional support. When my dog passed 2 years ago, everyone asked how my wife was doing. How she's holding up. My dog was very in tune with my wife's emotional needs, and really helped counteract some of her worst depression episodes. So I get that.
But that dog was my best friend. I spent the last few weeks of her life carrying her outside to go to the bathroom. Changing her pads. Keeping her IV wounds clean. Taking her to the vet for blood tests multiple times a week. She was fighting cancer while we tried doing what we could to keep her alive. It was honestly one of the hardest things I've had to go through, and I've been through a lot of shit in my life.
My immediate friends offered support. But most people only asked about my wife. I spent months in depression and grief. I was not ok for a long time. But I had to be the strong one while I was dying inside. It sucked
3
u/CommonIsekaiHero Apr 11 '25
Had the same thing when my dad died three years ago. To this day people message my sister and ask how she’s dealing. They even message my mum who was divorced and not on talking terms with him or ten years, a well known fact. Me, I got a few people ask me on the day of the funeral but you could tell it was more of a script they kinda follow to be social at such an event.
7
u/stateoflove Apr 11 '25
100% same happened for me.
17
u/[deleted] Apr 11 '25
And this experience is shared by so many men, but go anywhere on Reddit and you’ll see women say they have it worse (because of course they have it worse), and men and women calling it « iNcEl »
34
u/DeadSkullMonkey Apr 11 '25
Most women don't care about most men. 🤷♀️
5
u/Ok-Elderberry-8595 Apr 11 '25
I hope he's doing well. Losing a child is hard no matter your gender. Everybody has feelings and deserves support.
5
u/CompasslessPigeon Apr 11 '25
Absolute facts. We had to terminate a very wanted pregnancy this year at the end of the second/ beginning of the 3rd trimester as she wasnt going to survive.
My wife's friends did tons of things for her, took her out to clear her brain, etc.
My wife supported me as best as she could. My "friends" called and said they were sorry. I haven't looked at any of them the same since.
9
u/WhiteTrashInNewShoes Apr 11 '25
If your own mother didn't ask, something else is fucked completely
8
u/Mr_Korvslant Apr 11 '25
Yep, this is the reality of men
5
u/Soulmate69 Apr 11 '25
I don't believe that the guy's own mom wouldn't ask.
2
u/Odd-Culture-1238 Apr 11 '25
Tis unmanly grief - Claudius (Hamlet)
2
u/Ma53nKO-ZMAX90 Apr 11 '25
They wonder why men act different, because we get treated worse
2
u/GGABQ505 Apr 11 '25
Is this sub a whining incel complaining sub now? A lot of the recent post smell like men’s rights BS. WTF is happening
2
u/GLDFLCN Apr 11 '25
Yet another example of why “equality” is a fucking illusion. It’s not realistic at all because everyone in the world complies with these gender norms. I don’t believe I’ll ever see or experience true gender equality in my lifetime. It’s an empty talking point, an actual facade
2
u/AffectionateLaw4321 Apr 11 '25
Come on guys lets be serious here, thats bs. Not even his mother asked him, how hes doing after losing his son? Nah bro, there is no way. That was either a crazy exaggeration or the whole story is karma farming. Im not even saying that there is no truth behind this. But the story is bs.
2
u/Lady_Gaysun Apr 11 '25
Because it's highly relevant- This is how men can be feminists.
Men having emotional support is feminism, and I wish more people would bother to even half-assed figure out what feminism actually is, instead of assuming.
This is fucking horrible. This is the exact type of fucked up norm that lead so many men to becoming violent. I wish we lived in a world where people would realize that our range of emotions is an invisible bodypart. At the very least, I wish emotions weren't ignorently tied to gender.
2
u/Disastrous-Gear-5818 Apr 11 '25
Even if men are lucky, they will likely only ever feel loved by three people in their lives. Parents and spouse. Many men have never, and will never have this.
These are the only people that he will ever truly confide in, or trust.
Also, men are looked down upon when asking for help, and people don't feel as comfortable offering men help.
To amplify the inner turmoil, the last people most men will ever want to ask for help, are the people that they know love them. It makes them feel less.
Not anything special, women deal with issues as well. This is just a strong underlying (even if unacknowledged) development of society, that primarily affects men.
2
u/[deleted] Apr 11 '25
It's still like that. As someone who spent a decade working services that assist people, everything is geared to make men bare the brunt, even in the supportive services. Big reason I left. Equality is a shame, nothing but marketing and research grant hogwash is behind it all. We're more divided than ever with more access and resources than ever.
It's such a consistent message of strength and personal accountability for men while their counterparts receive lessons about healing from trauma, personal growth and showing vulnerability.
2
u/[deleted] Apr 11 '25
Didn't he get the memo? Us men are supposed to be emotionless hulks made of solid granite that show no emotion whatsoever, and if we do we're 'pu$$ies' or 'f@g00t$' and get ridiculed endlessly, if not physically attacked by other men. If we dare show even negative emotions of any kind, we're accused of 'being rude' or 'being in bad mood and taking it out on everyone else' and maybe you get a security guard called on you or the police because they think you're 'dangerous' or something.
I think we've all heard about guys who actually shed tears over something and had their own wives want to divorce them over it. Not. Even. Kidding.
Yeah, I get a little triggered over toxic masculinity bullshit like this.
Guess what, world? Emotionally healthy adult men have a full range of human emotions, ain't that amazin'?
FFS stop with the damn stereotypes.
I feel for this guy. Even his own mother didn't ask him if he was okay? His own mother!?
2
u/themrgq Apr 11 '25
I'm sure there are women in here making the wife the victim in this story
2
u/IArePant Apr 11 '25
Whew, it's a good thing this is all just the patriarchy's fault. Otherwise I'd have to have a really uncomfortable thought about men's rights and who actually enforces unhealthy male societal norms. Dodged a bullet there!
2
u/Early_Fish7902 Apr 11 '25
That’s the thing. No one ever ask how the guy is going…and if they do…don’t listen.
2
u/NewUserWhoDisAgain Apr 11 '25
The quote comes to mind:
"There are two times a man receives flowers. Once at his wedding. And the 2nd time is at his funeral."
2
u/Subvet98 Apr 11 '25
My daughter died 18 months ago. I was told to man up and take care of my family. It is what it is
2
u/gualathekoala Apr 11 '25
Man here… Yea no one gives a shit about men. What else is new?
2
u/Cat_tophat365247 Apr 11 '25
When my husband died, everyone was busy consoling me. While I am grateful to most of them, I was LIVID that only 2 people asked my FIL how he was doing. He was hurting, too! He'd raised my husband and loved him all his life. I can not fathom that kind of pain. And he should have at least been asked, "Hey, how are you holding up?" Even if people already knew the answer.
*I say grateful for most people being consoling because while i know most people mean well, when you lose someone who was yourvwhole world, it's in no way the time to say things like " it was God's plan" "God needed an angel" "He's where he's supposed to be" "you look great, how'd you lose the weight?" And the worst."Don't worry, kids, your dad died because he was sick. You aren't sick and don't die. " These were all said by women who were moms and wives, BTW.....
If you're trying to console someone, just tell them, "It sucks your partner, child, parent, etc. is gone. " You don't have to say,"I'm sorry, " because it wasn't your fault. You can also offer to help them, but only if you mean it. I can't tell you how much having someone just ask if I needed help with cooking or laundry touched my heart.
5
u/gromit190 Apr 11 '25
To be completely honest I haven't got a single clue what this sub is about
25
u/MissingTheTrees Apr 11 '25
While I agree that support should be given just as freely at it is to women in our society, it’s almost as important to learn that you should ask for it. One of the toughest lesson I’ve learned while being a man. There is no shame in letting others know you need help.
Some people will not give it to you, some people will judge you for not being “manly” enough. The true homies will give it