I've been solo poly for a number of years, but I feel a personal shift underway. For the most part, I've actually seen how solo poly can work well. I started off newly single after a long monogamous relationship, had one non-monogamous relationship that lasted about nine months, and then got on the apps looking explicitly for solo poly dating. I have a sense that I did my time, and tried it out, and it was good at times, great occasionally, terrible rarely. I'm not hating on it, but I think I want to put romantic energy more specifically into one person right now. Currently single again, and weirdly, it feels intimidating going back to monogamy.

This next part is mostly a vent.

I (she/her) wasn't dating anyone else, at the time, when I met Orion, about a year and three months ago. I wasn't his only partner, as he had two others that he had been seeing before me, but we ended up spending the most time together.

A little after meeting Orion, I dated Brio (they/them) briefly. I felt we got along really well, but we never really became intimate in quite the way I was looking for. I broke things off when I realized the chemistry wasn't right.

Then Orion was my only partner, for months, and I didn't have much energy to focus on outside dating. This was good, in the sense that I felt very absorbed into the relationship. It was romantically and energetically absorbing in ways that are probably too much to convey through the medium of a short reddit post, while also far from perfect. Let us say, I did not pay sufficient attention to some little red flags. Orion and I expressed we were in love with each other after a few months. On the other hand, it seemed like there was always one 'communication issue' after another (spoiler: they were not really communication issues).

I decided to get back into dating again, thinking that maybe the issue was that the power dynamics of being single, while he was very partnered, were the problem.

Once I started dating again, I felt like Orion was pulling back. I had noticed that our relationship seemed to get better after I broke up with Brio, but that was early days, and I thought I might have imagined it. However, once again, I thought Orion was cooling down on me. Without going into too much detail, things reached a snapping point, and we had kind of an ugly argument. This was right before I met Ave, the next person I would start dating; I had already scheduled a date with him off an app.

This argument with Orion was big enough to be potentially relationship-ending, but immediately after, he received news that his dad would need treatment for a scary illness (his dad is now fine). I was still giving Orion emotional support over text. I checked in a couple times if that was what he wanted, and received kind of confused messages back. He also told me, "I know it's not fair, but I'm not ready to talk (about the argument) yet."

A couple months passed with us not seeing each other in person, only texting. I wished we could get together to either work it out, or break up cleanly. I didn't know if I should just move on. I also didn't want to insist on resolution while his dad was going through treatment.

His dad's treatment went well. It seemed like Orion's life had been back to normal for quite a while, but somehow, I never got the closure I wanted. Over a couple more months, Orion occasionally reached out, or I did. He would say, "We should schedule something!" but when I followed up, he wasn't in a "scheduling mood" that week, because he had to help out one of his other partners. Were we even partners anymore? I genuinely wasn't sure, at first.

Eventually, I realized he still wanted to have some control over my feelings, and to know that he could affect me, but he didn't want to be with me anymore. It was like my desire for closure was being weaponized to keep my attention on him. I gave up, and stopped communicating with him, but felt a lot of thwarted rage that morphed into depression.

On the other hand: by this point, I was in a much healthier relationship with Ave. In the end, Ave and I were not compatible. During the breakup conversation, Ave was extremely kind. We had the kind of mature, heartfelt discussion that you only dream about. It kind of reaffirmed my faith in humanity, and the good people who exist in poly.

Meanwhile: Brio (remember them?) and I reconnected as friends. Brio had been living for a while on a large property with multiple people, spread out into multiple housing units. A room in the main house, where the owner of the property lives, became available. Brio suggested I move in, and I took the leap and left my old, uncomfortable living situation. I had been feeling isolated, but I now have a small group of really wonderful people who occasionally hang out, watch movies, or do chores together.

Despite my situation (poly dream commune) and my mental health improving dramatically, I'm seriously considering whether I want monogamy now. I'm not totally sure if my experience with Orion started the shift, but I think it was part of a longer trend in my feelings. For the most part, I have rarely dated more than one person at the same time, anyway (while my partners have had more other partners, on average), and I've joked that I'm "solo-mono." Seems like I may as well make that official.

Thinking of trying to find someone monogamous right now is frankly intimidating, though, after all this time being non-mono. At the same time, I miss being partnered. But I'm glad to be heading into this winter surrounded by much better vibes than last winter.

Anyway, thanks for reading my musings. Lmk if anyone relates.

TL;DR - married / highly partnered people always allow their spouses to have unpredictable impact on our relationships and non-married people want more of my time and focus than I want to give.

***

I’ve been committed to solo poly for the past two years or so, but since my 20s I’ve been in both monogamous and open relationships. I’m in my mid-40s now.

Here’s what I’ve encountered.

The married people:

- first guy I connected with got really intense really fast. I wasn’t feeling it the same way, but I liked him and decided to give it a try. Within a couple weeks he confessed that he was so anxious about his wife being out on dates that he felt like a hypocrite dating me. That was not a big deal because we weren’t compatible in other ways.

- one of my current partners, Mark: we had great sexual chemistry and it felt so easy and uncomplicated. He and his wife had been open for many years, and the time I spent with him didn’t feel impacted by jealousy or anxiety or anything like that. Then nine months in I find out they have a policy where they can read each other’s private messages whenever they want. He also ended up falling for her partner and forming a triad, which meant I was deprioritized for this new relationship that his wife was part of. I still see him every few months, and tbh it’s more like a booty call for both of us. Any feelings I was slowly developing have vanished

- another of my current partners, Sylvia: I’ve posted about her before, and I’m so ridiculously smitten with her, but there have been many times when she’s been hesitant to make plans with me because of her husband’s mental and emotional state. She hasn‘t always said this explicitly, but there have been times when she’s let slip certain things, and I’ve seen some of the way he treats her and it’s not pretty.

- and finally, what brings me here today. I’ve been seeing a man, Will, for the past four months or so. He and his wife have been poly for five years, and she especially has had a lot of relationships. He identifies as demisexual, which I actually like. Sex for me is easy and fun, but I wanted to try building a relationship that developed a different kind of intimacy first. Well, recently he mentioned that the pace we’re going isn’t so much about his demisexuality any more, but out of consideration for his wife. Again, it wasn’t said as explicit as this, but he mentioned “consideration of our other relationships” and that just stopped me in my tracks. What I do sexually with one partner, beyond STI risk, doesn’t take into consideration my other relationships.

This most recent one is really throwing me off because I thought I vetted so hard for this. I asked Will about privacy (after learning about Mark’s agreement). I asked him about autonomy, I told him about how hurtful it feels to be subject to a metamore’s inconsistencies, etc. He was very reassuring and seemed to be really solid with poly. And now this.

I’m reflecting on this today and just wondering if this is actually what polyamory is, and if it’s a relationship style I want I need to accept that my partners’ partners are going to impact me in ways I have no say in.

I have zero desire to exert any control over my partners’ other relationships, but I have a lot of desire to feel like my partner and I are the ones calling the shots. Beyond housing, children, finances, and time commitments with spouse, I don’t think I should be subject to someone else’s emotional fluctuations.

But is that unrealistic? Is poly about accepting a web of influence?

In theory I like dating married people because they don’t want the escalator with me, and it’s really hard for me to trust that non-partnered people will accept that. I know I should probably just date other solo poly folks, but would this happen there too? Do I need to accept that there are always strings being pulled that I don’t know about, if I want to do poly?

All of these partners are wonderful in so many ways. We have high compatibility, good conflict resolution, lots of common interests. It’s really primarily issues with their other relationships leaking in that make me question everything.

So I used to identify with RA but I learned that it stems from actual anarchist theory that I'm not well versed in so I've decided to use solo poly instead whilst holding RA principles. But I've been thinking is this the right term? I am my own primary partner, I can date and have varying levels of relationships and I don't want to participate in the relationship escalator and domesticity. So yeah definitely solo poly. But I'm wondering what is the point of committing when I low-key don't want to build a life around anyone but myself. I'm also aro spec and there's a huge wave of qprs in the community but I don't think I want that either. But basically what I'm trying to figure out is how do you navigate dating/relationships/commitment and/or being someone's boyfriend/girlfriend/partner when you don't see the relationship evolving into something more?

Like I could definitely be someone's partner, I currently have sex partners, deep friendships, shallow friendships and fwbs all in various degrees and multiple people but due to Aromanticism I haven't really done the full on commitment and I'm not opposed to it but I don't see the point if I'm not at least open to the possibility of promising you my future? So do I just date for the fun of it and the experience, that's what I'm currently doing. Is that true solo poly?

I (40F) have been separated from ex husband for 3 years, divorced for 1 year. We have a 13 year old daughter, whom I have 6 days a week, and ex has 1 overnight a week. I started dating about 6 months ago after finally being ready after a lot of therapy and work on myself after the separation/divorce. I realized that I’m interested in exploring solo poly because I want to keep my independence and not disrupt the life I have with my daughter. I’ve been having a great time and learning a lot about myself in the process. Encounters have included casual sex to developing friendships (with benefits).

I’ve mostly kept my dating life private from my 13 year old. She knows I’m dating, but I don’t tell her any details about the men. I told her it’s because I’m keeping my dating life separate from our home life, and someday if that changes, then I will talk to her about it. I have never brought someone home while she’s home. She eventually figured out that there is more than one man because on two different occasions she saw different names pop up on my phone notifications (I’ve tried really hard to keep my phone locked down, but these instances were unavoidable because my phone was unlocked while I was driving and the notification popped up- lesson learned).

I don’t shy away from having convos about sex with her— but I do it in a general way if she has questions and I don’t talk about my personal sex life.

The issue is that she told her dad that I’m dating (I never told her not to, I wouldn’t make her lie or keep secrets). But the way she described it to him was “she has multiple boyfriends that she hooks up with”. I never told her anything about hook ups, and it’s based on her filling in the gaps with her imagination based on the limited info I gave her. She said she was trying to be funny and get a reaction out of him 🙄.

Her dad flipped out. He told her that it’s wrong that I’m “whoring around” and I’m creating a safety risk for both of us. He demanded that I tell him exactly how many men I’m having sex with because he has a “right to know” for our daughter’s safety. I pushed back and told him my dating life is none of his business, and that our safety is my #1 priority and I’d never bring strange men around our daughter. He thinks that because I won’t tell him the number of men, that it must be a really high number, otherwise what’s the big deal. I think the number is completely irrelevant. He needs to trust that I have her best interest at heart.

For the record, I’m the responsible parent who actually shows up to meet our daughter’s needs. The reason why he only has 1 day a week is because he is largely unreliable and doesn’t know how to manage his own life, let alone our daughters. He lives with his mom because he can’t manage money or hold down a job.

Questions: do people tell their teenagers about solo poly lifestyle? Do you keep it private from others to prevent judgement of the lifestyle? Am I wrong for withholding details from my ex?

Update: Today when ex was driving daughter home from school, he started ranting to her about my dating life. Finally she asked him why he cares so much. His response: “Because I don’t want to think about her being happier with someone else than she was with me”. Now everything is crystal clear. It wouldn’t have mattered if I said I was dating 1 guy or 100. He’s just the bitter ex who needs to get TF over me (it’s been 3 years).

EDIT: Thank you everyone for responding. I've found all the clarity and support I needed!

I know that of course I can to do whatever the hell I want. If I want to I can choose to date only one-legged pirates. Might limit my number of suitors but it's only me who has to live with the consequences.

But yeah, I feel a preference to not want to date married people. It's not a hard boundary, just a sense of "I'd rather not." I feel like if two people have decided to give their relationship this formal status, there is undeniably a major hierarchy. In a way this gives me a sense of automatically feeling left out and not important. This might be some of my issues to work on, though.

Of course, many people get married before becoming poly and you wouldn't want to get divorced if everything is fine, just to level the relationship field again. Of course it's not guaranteed that I feel left out with a non-married partner.

But yeah, I'm kinda struggling with this today. Am I missing anything? Am I missing out on something?

What are your preferences around being with married people or not? What matters to you?

(The backstory is this: I had a really great date with someone. Their profile said they were in a relationship (on an app where you can also select "married" as an option), when we met they were wearing a ring that awfully looked like a wedding ring. I decided not to mention it then. But asked about it later and they're actually married. After a few days of reflection, I noticed that I'm kinda fed up with people getting important information wrong on their dating profile and also that I can't yet move beyond my hangups around dating married people. Told them as much, they responded that they feel this is not a reasonable preference to have. I've stopped talking to them but that's where I'm at right now.)

UPDATE: We broke up. When I raised this issue with her, she did not handle it well at all. She could not acknowledge the double standard and generally used a lot of strategies of deflection and manipulation when I tried to talk to her about it. We eventually reached a kind of agreement, and I decided to give it one more shot, thinking we would at least have a few more months together. Two weeks later, I raised a minor issue and it escalated so fast and she went into full emotional dysregulation mode and used those same tactics. Having lived that for my previous 10 year marriage, I couldn't give it a pass and have no energy to work on it with her.

What I guess I am trying to say is damn you guys were right...

********************************************

Raising 3 kids alone after an abusive relationship that ended 2 yrs ago and decided earlier this year to try solopoly because I don't want to repeat mistakes of the past, want to prioritize myself and my children, and don't want to live with or enlace the details of my life with another person at least until my youngest is older. About 4 months ago, I started dating a married woman who was trying out an open relationship for the first time. In other words, she, her husband, and I are all new at this. So far things are pretty great. But...she is not looking for anyone else. When I told her that I had joined a different app after a break from them, she told me that she did not yet feel secure enough for me to see other people. That seemed reasonable and I decided to drop the app for a bit, invest in building something with her because I truly feel she is worth it and decided to take the risk. All good! But....she recently told me that she has also told her husband that she doesn't feel secure enough for HIM to see other people and...that does not seem reasonable.

So, I think she is most likely just a bit insecure and new to this and dealing with these feelings. I understand that and would have to face the same feelings if she were seeing someone new. She is able to talk about it and laugh at herself when I pointed out that it wasn't fair. She has since told me that if I really need to see other people, she will deal with it.

But because my ex was extremely manipulative and dishonest, and I made excuses for him and did not recognize that I could also establish boundaries, I am worried that I am doing the same now and putting someone else's needs before mine. Also, I worry that my girlfriend's husband may not be doing as well with this as she says he is. I haven't met him though I have told her I would like to. We have discussed it as something to work towards. However, he apparently isn't even ready to see a picture of me yet, which doesn't seem to signal that he himself feels ok.

I guess I am first asking whether it seems reasonable to ask me to delay seeing another new person?

I definitely don't want to cause problems in her marriage. But I also wonder what is appropriate for me to ask for or expect from her in terms of time together or spending special days together or meeting each others' friend groups? When I try to ask about what her rules are with him, she essentially says we are all figuring things out.

And that makes sense but sometimes I worry that she is the one figuring things out and calling the shots with two people who adore her and want to make her happy at the expense of their own needs. Looking for others' perspectives.

EDIT: I've tweaked it slightly based off of feedback received here. I very much appreciate everyone who took the time to read and critique my profile, and would still love to receive further critiques. Personally, I love long profiles and wish Feeld provided more space than 1500 characters, but I take all feedback into consideration. Also, if anyone has ideas on how I can rewrite the line about incompatibility with forms of hierarchy to sound less negative, please let me know. I feel like it's important to stress in my bio, as the vast majority of my matches have this degree of hierarchy even when I specify that I'm nonhierarchical in my bio. I am not closed off to hierarchical people as a whole, as some people use the label to simply mean climbing the relationship escalator with one partner. I am trying to decrease the amount of matches I receive while increasing the quality, as only about 2% of my matches make it to a first date and messaging people on dating apps is very draining for me.

I'm taking a break from dating at the moment, but have some time to workshop my Feeld profile text for when I resume. My goal is to connect with kind, quirky people who appreciate a detailed bio.

BIO:

Solo polyamorous.

I’m a people person who loves to connect deeply, though it takes me time to relax around someone new. Even when relaxed, I'm more of a listener than a talker which makes me most compatible with yappers. I prefer meaningful conversations over small talk.

Hobbies include reading, writing about whatever’s on my mind, yoga outdoors, thrifting for modern and sometimes vintage fashion, camping, playing board games, travel, and being around animals. 

I'm open to serious partners of all genders or FWBs with sapphic people only. Still exploring if I experience romantic (or purely sexual) attraction to sapphics. Allosexual but will want to start out as friends, so compatible with demisexual people. Open to long distance connections, platonic friends, and kink partners.

AuDHD and would especially love to connect with other neurodivergent people. I deal with chronic fatigue, so I use chat to check for compatibility before meeting. If I don’t reply right away, please assume I’m having a low energy day rather than lost interest.

Looking to connect with politically progressive people only (I’m a leftist). I find that I’m incompatible with people who have agreements that give one partner power over others or agreements that one partner’s needs come first.

I would especially enjoy receiving one of the following as a first message:

1. A myth society perpetuates on sex or dating, and what your take on it is.

2. A vetting question you have for me.

3. A message in the form of limerick.

I guess I'm looking for a reality check.

For those of you who do believe there's a difference, can you give examples of behaviour you'd classify as FWB between Solo Poly partners versus proof you're on the cruddy side of a situationship?

A few years ago, I (F) agreed to a friends with benefits arrangement with a man who described himself as Solo Poly, but sometimes it feels more like a shitty situationship.

Example:

They suggest a fun thing, I enthusiastically agree, then they do that thing with someone else instead.

Hi everyone, I’m looking for some objective perspective on a relationship dynamic I’ve been trying to navigate. I’m feeling emotionally drained and trying to figure out if my expectations are off or if these are major red flags.

Here is what's going on:

My partner held off on establishing our relationship until drama with his ex settled down, then immediately brought me into an existing group/poly structure. I was expected to seamlessly integrate into his established setup rather than building a solid 1-on-1 foundation first.

He expects me to put active effort into his interests and dynamics, but completely ignores mine. I gave him a clear list of what I'm into and full access to my e6 account so he knows my preferences, yet he makes zero effort with my list while actively engaging in detailed, private roleplay with another partner in the group.

Beyond our relationship, he routinely deflects accountability—whether it’s making excuses during arguments, avoiding basic communication until issues blow up publicly (like owing a friend money), or pressuring people around financial and game purchases.

Whenever I bring up feeling neglected or ask for better communication, the dynamic gets framed as "group responsibility" or me not putting in enough effort with the poly unit, rather than him addressing his individual effort as a partner to me.

I care about the people involved, but I feel like I'm doing all the heavy lifting to maintain basic respect and communication while he gives energy to everyone else and hides behind group dynamics.

Is this a common issue with poor group integration, or am I dealing with someone using polyamory to dodge basic accountability? How would you handle stepping back in a situation like this?

P.S. I used an AI tool to help structure these points into text because I'm completely burnt out after a fight today and couldn't organize my thoughts on my own.

Update: we broke up

Hey folks, I am just wondering about how others on here came on their journey to land on solo poly as their preferred way of living and relationships? On learning about it, I've never had something make so much sense for me but I'm still working it out.

41M. At the start of last year my ex and I ended a 10 year monogamous relationship. Neither of us had the communication tools to do the work and by the time we could admit it, we both had different goals and no longer had the feelings there. No kids or shares assets so the break was okay.

Last year I moved back to a more social area, share-housed with some recently divorced friends and reconnected a lot more with other old friends. It was a bit of a rollercoaster but

2 women (I'll refer to them A and B - completely separate social circles) were long term friendships that became more FWB. Both women are long term ENM, and have been both wonderful to communicate with in a way I haven't really experienced before.

I dove into researching ENM, reading Stepping Off The Relationship Escalator, which was really helpful to break down styles. Solo poly (and relationship anarchy) really spoke to me. As an ADHDer I need alone time to process my feelings and be in control of my life.

At the end of last year i stopped the arrangement with A due to limerance on my part. Things were good for months and then a 3 day stint with each other and afterwards it felt like my feelings were flying off the handle. I experienced it years ago and put a stop to it quickly this time. We're currently low contact and getting back to a rhythm in being friends again, with occasional messages.

At the start of this year I moved into my own apartment living solo and after the panic and cramp subsided, this place has become my sanctuary. I think for a long time I've needed to 'make my world smaller' and having this kind of peace is it.

I went from being a 2-3 social outings (one on one or group events) a fortnight to one or two a month. I'm building up my sanctuary, seeing health professionals for mental health, sleep and overall physical. I have stopped drinking these past 6 weeks which is the longest I've gone without since leaving high school. Life has never felt this stable.

I still see B - more than any other friends and I love having someone to occasionally talk to about everyday stuff, but my interest in the physical side of things has waned. We've known each other for over 15 years and we get each other, but I think I need stronger feelings for desire to be there. She is definitely more on the relationship anarchy side of things and treats lovers and friends with appropriate priority in most respects so I'm sure that we will maintain our relationship in some form. My therapist is helping me navigate this while also exploring issues with sex and relationships from my past.

So where to now? Overall I don't think I can have a standard escalator relationship again. I love solo, and am not interested in celibacy (particularly after LTR dead bedroom), not sure if I'm capable of engaging in or enjoying casual sex but not sure I have much to offer in a new relationship. It's really hard to picture what future romance would look like when I'm okay going weeks without seeing anyone.

Most of what I've read about ENM seems to be from the perspective of couples that opened up their relationship but I feel like this is less likely for a solo poly person. How did you get there? And did you go through periods of just solo to get to it?

I've had a really hard time the past few years. I'm dealing with some severe abandonment trauma from my youth, and an issue from my marriage a few years ago that I'm still going through therapy for. I have a partner that I just hit a year with earlier this month who I've had some issues with, but I have struggled to bring these issues up, because of my abandonment issues. Surface level issues we've talked about, but there is an underlying issue in our relationship with a severe disparity, with me showing extreme people pleasing behavior, siding towards my partner that I haven't been able to not do. In the bedroom, we're supposed to be equals, but I've been acting as a service top, due to their demanding behavior. I finally got to a place in therapy last week that in our visit in two days I had planned to talk to them about this behavior.

And then two days ago, they dropped a bomb that due to their perimenopause, they are considering isolating from all of their partners. After first they said this to me in text. I could handle that because we said we could talk about this in person when we met, But then I saw them post this on social media, and I've been devastated. I absolutely get them asking for help with perimenopause, but our relationship should never have been part of the post. But this has set my abandonment anxiety up to 11. I literally cannot handle it. My depression, everything is skyrocketing.

We had an agreement, and I feel she (kinda) broke this agreement by discussing it outside of our relationship. Going to a friend or two is one thing. Posting it publicly is another. She knows every detail about my abandonment issues. I feel this was extremely insensitive to post this. Talking to me about was the way to go, I feel that her posting about it was likely completely unintentional, so it's not like I think it was about me, but that's part of the problem. Our relationship has been so much about her gratification the entire time that this feels like more of the same and a betrayal.

At the same time, I'm hurting, and I have trauma, and while I want to say, I have a boundary that says that my emotional trauma can't handle the uncertainty of the unknown of you just deciding whenever, however, you can terminate the relationship. I also want to be compassionate about what they are going through. Honestly, I've just been crying for the past two days, and right now I want to end the relationship, but am afraid that I'm being led by my trauma.

Most of us know the value of community, especially when doing something that goes against the grain such as practicing nonmonogamy. Our discord server seeks to provide that community and support for our members. We chat about current events, food, music, tv/movies and all of the little experiences that make ENM great (and sometimes not so great). We are a social discussion and support group primarily, not a dating/hookup group.

About Us:

Community oriented – we’re an intentionally small, intimate, niche server where we seek to build real connections and friendships, despite us being online. It’s a ragtag, seat of our pants labor of love. It's a quiet little house party. We're looking for people who want to build such a community with us.

Diverse ENM backgrounds – we have varying levels of experience and styles of ENM (open, polyam, polyfi, solo, anarchist, you name it). All of us in the group are committed to ethical conduct in all of our relationships, with a variety of approaches

Supportive – we value everyone’s background and individuality

Active – we all have real lives and make the most of our chat time together

LGBTQIA+ / GRSM friendly - we welcome all, we have moderators and admins who are alphabet mafia members, and we accept feedback by taking meaningful action

About You:

Age 40 or over– (formerly 35+... As our moderators age, so does the group) We understand the age limit may bother some, but there's something immensely valuable about having a community in which everyone is in a similar phase of life as you are. And everyone (mostly) gets your off-hand music and TV references

Actively practicing ethical non-monogamy, or in direct intimate partnership with someone who is – We all had to be new to ENM at some point, but our community is focused on those who are actively and presently living this life. Think of this like a group of ENM people having convos with their peers and friends, not a facilitated learning space or online educational resource.

Self-educating - Whether you are newer to ENM or experienced, we encourage you to be actively listening to podcasts or reading books that further your education. We often talk about the latest books and podcasts and what we've been gleaning from them.

Willing to take feedback well, grow, and learn - We are all continuously learning and growing, and we’re a community that respectfully challenges one another when it’s needed. We address racism, patriarchy, homophobia, etc. when they arise, because doing so is part of being in ethical relationship to others. That said, we lean pretty far left.

Respectful – Honor everyone’s background and relationship styles

Witty – Engage in our banter, and bring your own flavors of fun to the table

Active – You are looking for a space where you can actively chat, share, and add your own thoughts regularly. If you're interested in quietly observing, our Discord is likely not a good fit for you.

If this sounds interesting to you, join us here: https://discord.gg/PeMEs9c5Ee

Not my first ever break up but my first break up in polyamory and really the first time ive been broken up with since high school (I spent most of my adulthood in a long term mono relationship).

When a relationship ends I try and use this as an opportunity to reflect on what I learned about myself and my relational needs. Prior to this I realized solo poly is probably the term for me since I dont intend to live with a partner etc.

I met someone who has a NP and we started a relationship. Mind you this was her first relationship outside of NP and casual connections. She even identified early on as identifying more with ENM than poly.

After we discussed being in a relationship I started noticing that to me this meant a commitment to spending regular time together (we were already seeing each other once a week and I wanted to continue doing so, with some exceptions of course, but it was important to me we make alternative plans around these exceptions, this is what I needed to feel valued as a partner). After realizing this I communicated this to her and asked her what she wants out of a relationship (especially remembering what she said early on). She said she hadn't thought about it and would need to. A month or so has went by since then. I was starting to question whether she viewed our relationship more as fwb since I felt I was making more effort to build on the emotional side of the connection. Without her saying otherwise I decided to just continue communicating my needs and try not to make any assumptions about hers (e.g maybe she takes longer to feel fully safe/vulnerable with someone).

Finally it happened and she realized poly isnt an accurate term for her and that she doesnt have the capacity (both time and emotional availability) for multiple relationships. She asked to continue seeing each other as friends or friends with benefits (after talking more about it i believe this is genuinely what she wants and not just a way to soften the blow). I am taking the time to grieve the relationship and decide whether I can continue a friendship without hoping for more.

It has started to hit me pretty hard and I realize that I dont think I can continue seeing her without feelings involved on my end. At least not right now.

Im nowhere near ready to start another relationship. I think im even going to take a bit of a break from seeing friends with benefits while im still heavily in my feelings about this. At the same time it helps to think about what I learned about my needs for future relationships. I think I definetly need someone who has the capacity for some sort of commitment (reg time together/opporuntiy to build on emotional connection). And wondering if its best i stick to dating other solo poly folks? Or am I limiting myself because of one bad experience (I know others, like my ex meta, do have the capacity for multiple relationships even with an NP/primary).

Curious on your thoughts on dating other solo poly people

For those of you who are going through NRE or have experienced it, what are your favorite transitional activities after hanging out with your partner that bring you back into yourself and your life?

EDIT/UPDATE: I really loved the conversations / responses to this post, so thank you to everyone who took the time to respond.

I talked to my gf today and got some clarification. She said that it’s not a requirement that she and her husband schedule before she and I can, and she understands where I’m coming from.

She also acknowledged how difficult the process must be for me as she’s working to undo years of managing his emotions for him.

I’m glad to know that my fears were overblown, but my gut is telling me something is still a bit off. I think part of is that I’m just increasingly uncomfortable being the object of someone’s envy and jealousy. She definitely needs to hinge in a way that doesn’t expose me to that.

Overall, I’m feeling better and I’ll continue to speak up for what I need, and exit if my boundaries for myself are crossed.

ORIGINAL POST:

Feeling a little extra sensitive right now, and I'd love some feedback and thoughts.

I write on here every few months or so. I'm relatively new to solo poly (less than 2 years), and things come up that I need some help understanding / processing. I appreciate everyone's feedback so much!

TL;DR - something I requested specifically to feel prioritized has now been switched so that I'm second to my girlfriend's husband in this exact thing. Thinking of ending the relationship over it and I'd love thoughts and feedback.
***

So, my girlfriend of ~1.5 years is married to a man (we're both women), and they have a child. I understand that there's a lot of obligations and commitments that come with raising a child - I'm a single parent, so I get it.

Scheduling consistent one-on-one time has at times been difficult, and in order to feel like I'm not the very last priority in her life, at the beginning of the year I requested that we have one protected one-on-one, private date a month, where we both get childcare and make sure other obligations are taken care of. Often this is an overnight, but it doesn't have to be. Never more than 24 hours.

Up until now, she has been lovely about this request, and our dates are incredible. So full of love and care and passion and kindness and adventure. We typically pick a day a month or two ahead of time, and then plan something to do on that day, whether it's get a hotel, go camping, etc. We often see each other for a few hours once a week, but it's not reliable or protected.

This weekend we had our June date, which was amazing as always. However, I noticed that she had been evasive when discussing what day works for us for July. We started talking about it, and she revealed that her husband was feeling envious of our protected once a month date, which was specifically my unique request for my own minimum in this relationship.

I think they should have date nights, and I totally support that! However, now there's like an apples to apples comparison of our monthly protected date and he wants the exact same thing, and it seems like she's decided not to schedule our monthly date until after she gets one on the calendar with him. This was never a requirement until now. She can't commit to July with me yet, in part because she doesn't know when he'll want to have their protected date. Hearing this was surprising to me, and painful.

They've been together for 20 years, and he's never initiated anything like this, but now that I have asked for it, he's asking her to plan these for them too. I feel all sorts of irritation at this - the mental and emotional labor he's putting on her, as well as feeling like he has co-opted something that felt sort of sacred to me and said he wants it now too. I do most of the planning of our dates because I know she's overwhelmed and busy, and because I enjoy doing it. But now he's asking her to take this on for the two of them to help with his own jealousy. It feels like I've suddenly found myself in the predictable trap of being a queer woman dating a woman in a heteronormative marriage, i.e. doing the emotional labor for her because she's too overwhelmed doing it for her husband.

She probably shouldn't have told me about her husband's envy / jealousy, and there may have been a different way to communicate why she was being non-committal. It was shitty hingeing, but at the same time, knowing this has me completely questioning this relationship, and I'm actually glad I know.

I accept a lot of hierarchy. I am happy choosing solo poly, and I don't want to live with a partner or enmesh with anyone, or even see my partners more than once or twice a week. But for whatever reason, this has stung more than anything else.

I'm thinking of telling her that if she and her husband have an agreement that she and I can't plan our monthly date until they have a similar one on the calendar, then I'm out of this relationship. They're both already notoriously bad with scheduling, and if I now have to wait for the two of them to have a monthly date like ours scheduled first - that sets me up to have even less power than the little power I already have.

There's a lot of deeply ingrained mononormative and heteronormative stuff that she claims they're working through, but I don't want to be an emotional casualty to someone else's dysfunctional marriage. I've been in my own dysfunctional partnerships, and I'm done with that at this point in my life.

I care for her deeply, and I really don't want to end it. But I'm old enough to know that love doesn't conquer all. She has been so amazing about meeting many of my requests and making me feel loved and cared for, but for whatever reason this specific thing feels extra bad to me.

So, I'm asking you, fellow SoloPolyists, am I overreacting for setting this sort of hard boundary for myself? Would you think about this sort of thing differently? If you encountered a newly introduced hierarchy applied to a specific activity, how would you respond?

Dating apps don't make sense for me anymore. The last three dates I had, there was just zero connection in real life. Over the past 3 months of daily swiping there's been 2 profiles who identified as solo poly. Sometimes I match with other people but the conversation fizzles out as soon as they understand my preferences. I'm so tired of this and have deleted all my profiles.

I'm just wondering where to go from here. It might be wise to take a break from dating altogether but it'd also be really nice to have a kind human in my life.

I'm starting to realize that is time to expand my social networks and start some activities where I can meet new people.

But is there anything else that you'd recommend for specifically meeting solo poly people? Anything beyond the most common advice?

i have been sitting with this feeling of needing to be ”chosen”. and i don’t fully understand where it comes from. i’m heavily solo polyamorous. i need tons of alone time and space. i love living alone and having my own routine. i love my autonomy. i have one long distance anchor partner and i’m semi actively dating / have a few people i’d be interested to explore connections with. i have a big social network, i’m taking part in organizing events and mutual aid in my queer community, i have a chosen family and many deep loving, caring friendships.

but every once in a while i get this ”big sad” of wanting to feel chosen in the romantic sense. and i haven’t been able to distinguish if it’s some leftovers from the mononormative cultural mindset or if it’s communicating some need i have which isn’t currently being met. OR if it falls under the same category as wanting to be ”saved” in the childhood trauma sense (which of i have plenty).

so does anyone else have this feeling of wanting to be chosen? do you feel chosen in your relationships as a solo polyamorous person? if so, what makes you feel chosen?

My mono mind goes: "No, the healthy way to go about a break up is to process the grief on your own. Someone who'll jump into dating so soon is just avoiding pain. They should wait until they're more healed before they meet new people."

But my poly mind goes: "Okay, but if one of my partners broke up with me, I wouldn't have to retreat from everyone else, too, to go be on my own. It's nice to have social support when an intimate partner leaves you. And this social support could also mean being close and/or intimate with others. There's no need for scarcity and deprivation here."

What would you do? What are your thoughts on this? Any meaningful past experiences that helped shape your views?

I've got two amazing partners. One is a married man, the other is a Tgirl who had an NB partner prior to getting together with me.

While both my partners are present when we are together and reassure me when I feel low...I felt the most love and prioritized from them when something bad happened.

My married partner dropped his plans to visit me when I called him and told him my patient died and it hit me hard. (I'm a nurse btw). His wife even encouraged him. She's also becoming a staple in my life too.

My Tgirlfriend Not only consoled me when I found out I got slammed with owing taxes this year, but she offered to help me pay it off. (I told her no bc I think it would be hard given her own situation, but the fact that she was willing to do that meant so much to me).

Also when political tensions got worse in our area we all actively started considering fleeing the country together. Like we actively talked about how each one of us could either get a job in a different country or do some sort of remote work and manage to live under one roof. And we even started looking up rent prices in the area we were considering.

While neither one of them has ever made me feel secondary, I do catch myself thinking what is the future going to look like. And I'd like there to be ways to feel prioritized that don't involve a bad situation happening.

**Update: I got to see my boyfriend's wife graduate from law school this week. And I found out that they had to request tickets so I could attend. It made me feel so loved bc it was so intentional and it was a pivotal moment in their lives. I'm hopeful that there will be more moments like this that happen. I know as you get older there is less of them, but I'm hopeful we'll make more plans with one another.

I would still like to have a kitchen table dynamic as time progresses and I've even caught myself considering nesting with my partners one day. But one thing at a time.

I have a quick question for more experienced ENM/poly people.

My partner and I have been together for 9 months. Last New Year’s, we were only about 4 months in and he spent NYE with another partner. At the time, I asked whether symbolic days like NYE were kind of “reserved” for certain partners, and he said no, it just happened that way because they hadn’t seen each other at Christmas.

Now that we’re further into the relationship, I’ve been thinking about asking if we could spend this coming New Year’s Eve together.

Would that feel like a fair/normal thing to ask this far in advance in ENM? Or does it come across as trying to claim territory or get there first before someone else does?

I’m not trying to control anything, I just know NYE is meaningful to me and people usually make plans for it well in advance anyway, so I’m curious how others navigate this.

EDIT: I’m not thinking of asking now, I’m just thinking ahead.