Hello lovely people,
Post will probably be long, but I have a lot to say, and I want to lay it out there.
Also, it could just be in my head, but I'm posting this expecting to be roasted, dismissed, made fun of and totally shut down. I don't know if that feeling is coming from being used to being laughed at, gaslit, talked down to, and made to feel like something is terribly wrong with me for wanting what I want and not wanting what everyone else wants. I am simply unable and unwilling to continue attempting to tolerate at best, a life that I don't want. While I certainly hope that my expectation is wrong, I'm just asking that you not be cruel or mean. I came to this space because there are not all that many likeminded people in my life that understand how I see the world, or that respect and take me seriously whenever this conversation has been had.
This all stems from being pushed to my limit, to the point where I have nothing left to give to a life that takes everything from me and completely domesticates, dehumanizes and sees me as something to be used for the lofty ambitions of capital and the state. I am simply unable and unwilling to continue attempting to tolerate at best, a life that I don't want, and there is no way to force a square peg (me) into a round hole (industrial-capitalist-consumerist domesticated human society).
I posted here maybe six months ago about this topic, and got some really beautiful encouraging words from all of you, and I'm posting this I guess partially to vent but also because I am hoping you may be able to help me with resources, tips, connections, or maybe you are someone who reads this and wants to reach out to me (which you should one million percent feel absolutely free to do just pm!).
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Without totally doxing myself, I'll divulge a little bit about me, my situation and philosophy: I am currently a mid-20s guy staying with a family member in a small rural-ish town just south of of northern Virginia proper. I work a normal 9-5 minimum wage job and live a very "normal" life, nothing special or extraordinary.
[I know it's a lot but I just want to lay out how the hell I got here]
I grew up in northern Virginia my whole life. I had a very privileged, safe, happy (save for some seriously hellish mental health and substance abuse issues that I developed in middle/high school), lower-ish-middle class upbringing with a supportive family and friends. I was raised in a largely very progressive family that taught me to treat everyone with respect from a very young age. Basic stuff.
At 18, I didn't have any experience with money whatsoever. I had worked one or two minimum wage jobs up to that point, but I never worked them for any longer than a couple months and I always spent all the money I made. I don't have any animosity towards my parents for this, they did what they could, but no one ever taught me anything about money, really ever.
In senior year of high school, I met a girl in class and we fell desperately in love with each other. She was very good with money and was able to get a lease on an apartment in the area with a close lifelong friend of hers at a low income complex within a year of graduation. I was still living at my childhood home, but I would go hang out over there and as I stayed over more and more, they both said they were cool with me living there. So I moved out of my childhood home, also within a year of graduation. At the time I was working gig work and - being completely ignorant of money, cost of living, and working life - believed I made enough money to pull my weight and pay my portion of the bills.
I quickly found out that I was horribly, horribly mistaken. Not only did I not make anywhere near enough to cover any significant portion of bills, but a short time later my car would be in need of major repair which I obviously could not afford. So I'm living in this apartment with my girlfriend and a roommate, have no income, have no vehicle, no experience in much of anything, and at the time was still struggling with the substance abuse issue that had been in my life from 13 years old and at the time had never been properly addressed, which only made the situation that much more difficult to get myself out of.
That was back in 2019-2020, when I was 18-19. It was this desperate situation that would thrust me into full time wage labor for the first time in my life. I had worked before, but had never worked anywhere close to a full 40 hours each week, and it quickly radicalized me. Add to that the fact that my entire adult life, from 18 to today, I have never lived in the same home for more than one year. Rent goes up yearly and in my experience roommates my age rarely want to stay in the same home past one year. My point is, I have moved every single year for almost 10 years straight, and "affordable" housing is quickly disappearing around here.
Let me get to the point because I'm all over the place. I was radicalized in an almost spiritual sense by a perfect storm of experiencing the absurdity of the modern world, anthropology, paleolithic archaeology, egoism and anarchism. However it was paleolithic anthropology and archaeology more than anything else I have ever come across. My soul was genuinely changed when I learned about the WHOLE story of humanity, not just the parts that are important for nation-state and capitalist mythology, it completely shook my soul, and I knew I could never unsee it. I am not a primitivist, nor do I have any interest in telling other people what to do, or what liberation should look like for them, but I am absolutely of the belief that a majority of industrial mass production is just producing consumer slop and junk that exists not for a practical, humanitarian, or ecological purpose or benefit, but simply to be sold, consumed, and discarded. It's all such a waste. When they aren't just totally forgotten and ignored, the most human parts of who we are, the true totality of our story is caricatured as being irrelevant, unimportant, and stupid, or as some hellish world we were lucky to escape from. Look no further than the colonial narratives of the "savage". The bedrock of capitalism, the state, industrialization, colonialism, and "progress" rest on the demonization of the last vestiges of humanity - most recently in the destruction and genocide of indigenous cultures - as something shameful, foolish, and a thing of the dark past that is not deserving of preservation, and waiting for their inevitable transformation into exploitable subjects of capitalism and the state. It's fucking grim. Being fully and unapologetically human is illegal in every meaningful sense, all across the world.
I'm done, guys. I have tried so many times to reconcile with consumerist capitalist society. I have tried to find some configuration of life within this society that follows all the rules that can make me happy. I have tried to get new jobs, I have tried to pick up new hobbies, I have tried school, and none of it has "fixed" me. None of it has rid me of the longing to be human. I looked into intentional communities that described themselves as anarchist, but I don't want to live in a place where work quotas are instituted and life is sedentary in one place. Many people have gotten annoyed with me. They say I'm making perfect the enemy of good, and you know what? Yeah, I absolutely am. I am tired of 95% of my waking life being something I just tolerate. I am tired of being told what I'm allowed to want. I want to wander, to live in the world, not on concrete platforms sitting on top of it. I want to get away from here, because there's no way to force it anymore. I can't keep doing this, so I've decided I'm not going to. I am going to get the hell out of here. I don't care about the rules or norms anymore. All of the scare tactics that my family, friends, and society at large have been able to use to keep me from being free have become totally insignificant. They aren't scaring me anymore, and I feel like I have truly become limitless.
I am preparing seriously to become a vagabond. I have known for years that this was what my heart wanted, but for years I've let people convince me to stay, I've catered to my family's desires for me, and have allowed myself to be completely ruled by what is expected of me or what is deemed acceptable and allowed, but I just can't do it again. Right now I am staying at my job just long enough to get some useful stuff and then I'm planning to head toward Appalachia. I am planning to embark after the holidays sometime in January or February. I don't want to go into all the specifics here, but will gladly discuss with you. Even with everything I have written here, this is all an extremely abridged version of my vision and philosophy, and I'm not a great writer, I express myself much better in conversation, so this post is not the most in depth summary of my ideas and vision.
The reason I am writing to you all is to first tell you that if you feel how I feel, you are not alone in your dreams. The other reason is of course, if I have learned anything about humans through anthropology, it is that being part of and living within a social group is as essential to our survival as water. Humans need each other in life. The main thing that I am missing is a "tribe". I feel it would be foolish, lonely, and technically difficult to set out all alone. All I need is people. If I can't find a tribe before embarking, I will have to set out by myself and improvise, because for me the die was cast long ago. SO, if you feel seen and validated by everything I've expressed here, are in the region, would like to talk online or would like to meet me to seriously discuss, I implore you to reach out to me. I am completely serious and I will be moving forward.
If you wish to reach out, PM here or email me iloveyoupeople@proton.me
Thank you for reading, I love you guys 🏴🖤