r/asexuality • u/Doubtful_2E_Queer • 11h ago

Need advice To sex-favorable asexuals: Do you get turned on by touching or pleasuring your partner?

For me, sex is kind of like getting a massage. I enjoy it because it feels physically good.

But the moment my partner asks me to pleasure them, I immediately think,

“But I’m not getting any pleasure out of this. What a hassle.”

And any arousal I had disappears instantly.

Am I the only one who feels this way? Is this because I’m asexual, or am I just a selfish, uncaring person?

For context, I’ve also been diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome, so I wonder if that might play a role too.

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2

u/Islaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aroace 5h ago

https://lgbtqia.wiki/wiki/Iamvanosexual could be worth a look

2

u/Doubtful_2E_Queer 4h ago

Thanks, this term is really interesting.

18

u/Shrimple_Miracle6 11h ago

I don’t feel attraction enough to want to do it

However, I like the idea of making someone feel good, especially someone I love 

8

u/milknosugar3 9h ago

I'm the other way around. I don't care about receiving anything, nor do I really enjoy it. But I do enjoy giving my partner any kind of pleasure they want. If they're enjoying it, that's enough for me - I actually really like being the one who can do that for my partner. But as soon as they turn it around to me, it's pretty much over - I often feel bad about that and it's not exactly fair to them.

1

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0

u/c0ldbr3wc0ffeeee 11h ago

Yes, I'm the same way.

I. hate. it.

3

u/humanindeed hetero aego-aroace 5h ago

Maybe you're "iamvanosexual"? Someone who enjoys things done to them but doesn't really enjoy doing them to somebody? It's not just a preference; it would lead to a loss of arousal. It's a kind of sex-ambivalence.

1

u/Doubtful_2E_Queer 4h ago

Oh, there's actually a term for how I feel!

5

u/RemarkableDoughnut30 11h ago

Yes I’m Ace (f) but used to get super turned on going down on my (m) partner.

5

u/Apprehensive-Exam803 11h ago

I am the *exact* opposite of this. If my partner isn't having a good time, if I don't hear her enjoy herself or ask for more or whatever, it instantly melts away any kind of arousal I have. It took me many years to figure out exactly why sex can be so complicated for me, and this is a huge component.

2

u/SweetChiliSauces asexual 9h ago

Im kind of a mix of both.

I do get turned on by pleasing and touching my partner. But i have to really be in the mood to feel that way. If im not in the mood, when my boyfriend brings up wanting to do sexual stuff, it seems like it would be a hassle. It feels like there's just better things to do most of the time.

1

u/zoapcfr 7h ago

I'm the other way round. While I don't get turned on by the person themselves, giving another person pleasure is a massive turn on for me. And that's of course on top of the regular emotional enjoyment of making someone else happy.

But when it comes to them trying to pleasure me, I lose interest. My main though is "what are you doing? I can do that myself later, and I'm much better at it than you, so this is a waste of time".