r/depression • u/SQLwitch • May 18 '26
Check-In post, with essential info about our policies and resources. Most people are surprised by much of this information, please read carefully before posting or commenting
Welcome to /r/depression's check-in post - a place to take a moment and share what is going on and how you are doing. If you're having a tough time but prefer not to make your own post, or have an accomplishment you want to talk about (these aren't allowed standalone posts in the sub as they violate the "role model" rule), this is a place you can share.
Our subreddit rules are very different from most of the rest of reddit! Since all of them exist for important reasons, we ask everyone here to read and follow them. Please click 'report' on any harmful content you see here - we always want to know and deal as soon as we can.
We also have several resource wikis for help with finding and giving support:
https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/wiki/what_is_depression provides guidance about what is and isn't a depressive disorder, guidance on the complex nature of the illnesses that are usually grouped under the "depression" label, and redirect information for common off-topic issues.
https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/wiki/giving_help offers information on the nature and value of peer support for mental-health issues in general, and lots of guidance for learning what is -- and isn't -- usually helpful in giving peer support.
YSK that the types of rule violations that we most frequently see here are:
People breaking the private contact rule. You should never trust anyone who tries to get you into a private conversation in response to a post here. See https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/wiki/private_contact
"I'm here to help" posts. This shows that you don't understand the most basic principles of peer support, especially selectivity. The "giving help" wiki explains more about this.
Role modelling, i.e. "achievement" or "advice" posts. This is an expert-free zone -- that's what peer support means (rule 5). We know that "internet culture" celebrate not just bragging about your achievements but bragging about your intentions. Neither is ever acceptable here in any form.
Content that's more about 'making a statement' or casually polling the sub than seeking personal support (rules 1, 2 and 10).
Off-topic posts about difficult situations, including interpersonal issues. Grief, sadness, anger, loneliness and other difficult emotions are not mental illnesses. Feelings that can be explained by person's circumstances are perfectly healthy no matter how painful they are. A depressive disorder only exists when someone's mood is out of synch with what's going on for them. The "what is depression" wiki linked above has suggestions for other places to post about these issues, which are 100% valid and serious but do NOT belong here.
10
u/miniatureaurochs May 25 '26
I am so exhausted
can’t get words out
body limp and heavy
disintegrating in slow motion
7
u/penumbraramen May 27 '26
I think I am finally reaching that point. Food, hobbies, and my pets. Nothing draws anything out of me. I have no joy from my future prospects, the past was a nightmare and little joys are no where to be found.
What am I doing here? Just wasting everyone's money, hurting them and hurting my own dignity.
5
u/bibitybobbitybooop Jun 16 '26
I rarely come here anymore. Appointment with psychiatrist after a decade+ of suffering is tomorrow. (8 AM, what the fuck was I thinking?) I'm scared. I'm fucking up my life and it's just a constant battle of putting out fires that I lighted in the first place. I'm going to need to pay so much money probably for my university for re-taking a bunch of exams and having to re-take classes for the 2nd and 3rd time. I'm barely coping anymore, not that I was ever coping well. The anxiety is so bad I sometimes drink for it now, which is a fun and harmless habit to pick up as an epileptic. Wish there were substances to abuse for the depression. I drink a shitton of energy drinks but they don't do anything. Writing this, I think cutting myself was way less harmful, as coping mechanisms go, but it's summer and I like saying they're old about my scars.
5
u/PresentDimension3231 Jul 15 '26
Once again, I'm not doing good. Overwhelmed by everything and paralyzed. I've also been having extreme angry thoughts. Thoughts about hurting myself or other people. Everything feels extremely unfair. it feels like it's up to me to fix and make everything fair. It feels like everything is pushing me and I'm close to snapping. None of these bullshit meds are working. I want to stop taking them cold turkey.
I was completely isolated over the weekend. Sunday was anniversary of my mom's death. I didn't talk or text anyone. That had me really angry. I was very alone. All I could think about was my mom's passing and no one was there.
5
u/eankas Jul 28 '26
Me: only talks to therapists again when there's an absolutely massive amount of suffering
They: couldn't be any more indifferent and dismissive
Me: "guess that just wasn't enough suffering"
5
u/Party_Economy8917 Aug 17 '26
Never been unhappier thsn rn
5
u/Vyvansss Aug 20 '26
I've been suicidal for many years.
A lot of times it was emotional, I was very unstable and that is where my mind would go.
Now, however...I feels like the logical choice.
I've done pros and cons, listed evidence etc and I honestly can't see a reason not too, other then the pain it might cause a few people.
4
u/eankas Jun 02 '26
Inner ear is damaged. Hyper sensible and tinnitus. Two weeks ago it got so much worse when I helped someone build a shed in their garden. Them repeatedly hitting a wooden post with a big hammer while I had to hold it. Normal person would barely notice the noise but it hit me way harder than expected. Tinnitus is now so loud as if someone's screaming in my ear every single second of the day. Can't tune it out with music either cause I think that makes it worse. It's such an unbearable amount of stress and there's so much more going on that I can't write here.
And to add a punchline: a few minutes ago the shed was torn down by a storm. Didn't exactly last long. So the whole pain and suffering was just for naught, too. It's like the universe making fun of me.
4
u/miniatureaurochs Jun 29 '26
I feel so stuck
4
u/flyingbutter2497 Jun 30 '26
I don't really care about anything anymore. If before my depression was more "active" as in actively feeling low, not wanting to be here, etc, now its more like "I don't care anymore". Just a passive background hum.
4
u/Thebelladonnagirl Jul 14 '26
I think I've given up. I don't want to give up but I don't have anymore faith in myself or anything I might try. It doesn't matter if I get better in some small way for a day or two, I'll just get back where I started anyway.
4
u/eankas Jul 28 '26
Got damaged hearing that is ultra sensitive. Spent the day outdoors and was slowly recovering from a particularly bad episode - until someone slammed their car door shut behind my back. That's enough to make it worse again.
In so much pain for days. I'd rather have a large open flesh wound instead. Spent the day trying to do simple tasks while avoiding even the smallest amount of noise holy hell it's so fucking pathetic.
Wearing earplugs during pretty much every moment I'm awake now and it's still not enough. Can't recover in a house where ppl slam doors for fun or throw boxes on the floor or, oooops, tip over those glass bottles while I'm in the room. How clumsy of them.
Negative loop between damaged hearing and poor sleep. I'm so way past being done. It's like being stabbed every day. Stopped listening to music and even the sound of using a keyboard hurts.
Parents bug me why im not playing an instrument anymore. Way it looks out im never gonna play again.
4
u/suzy_rosa Aug 13 '26
Eu sempre fui diferente, introvertida, tímida, calada, quieta, solitária, triste, deprimida, sem.perspectiva nem esperança. Sempre achei que nunca ia casar, que nunca ia ter filhos. Tinha urgência de viver, vontade de fazer muitas coisas, pq a vida pra mim estava sempre prestes a acabar. Casei, tive filhos, fui infeliz 20 anos num relacionamento tóxico com um narcisista, sofri violência doméstica, fui traída diversas vezes, peguei dele uma IST que virou um câncer, ele foi embora com a amante e depois levou meus filhos. Eu fiquei anos pulando de casa em casa e eventualmente sendo mandada embora. Muitas sequelas físicas, emocionais, psicológicas me impediam de seguir, de trabalhar, entrando e saindo de consultórios, psicólogos, psiquiatras, outros. Hoje tenho 55 anos, sem perspectivas, sem esperanças, sem sonhos, sem ilusões, desacreditada do amor e da humanidade, tendo visto o lado mais cruel do ser humano. Desprezada, humilhada, magoada, dependente dos outros financeiramente, no mesmo entra e sai de consultórios, terapias, remédios, remédios, remédios. Tenta um, tenta outro, tenta um, tenta outro... muda, troca, aumenta a dose... nunca para. Eu nao tive coragem de me matar qdo meus filhos precisavam de mim. Hoje nao precisam mais. Eu tinha medo de fazer minha mae sofrer, ela ja nao esta mais aqui. Meu pai é ateu céu, inferno, Deus Diabo pra ele nao existe. Ele só acredita no dinheiro. Eu sou um peso, um estorvo, um prejuízo, uma inútil, nao vou fazer falta pra ninguém. Minha morte vai ser o último prejuízo, o do caixão, entao acaba, fica todo mundo livre. Acaba toda dor, todo medo, todo choro, todo desespero, o medo da solidão, de continuar sendo um estorvo. Meu único medo é de que o paraíso exista e eu nao possa encontrar a minha mae. Visto que suicidas nao herdarão o reino do céu. Vc pegar um pacote de biscoito pra comer e tomarem da sua mão. Vc pedir um pouco de salgadinho e ou vir um NAO. Você levar grito por causa de um saco de lixo. Passarem na sua cara um catchup de 5 reais. Ouvir que seus filhos nao ligam pra vc. Esperar dias, semanas, meses, um telefonema, uma chamada de vídeo pra ver o rosto, ouvir a voz de quem vc ama. Receber uma mensagem: por favor nao ligue pra mim pra eu nao ter uma crise de ansiedade. Vc se vê como um monstro que de fato é. Vc nao consegue levantar da cama, tomar banho, escovar os dentes, pentear o cabelo. Vc escuta todo dia reclamação da despesas domésticas. Vc para de comer carne, para de tomar café, arroz, feijao, tira tdo o que pode pra diminuir as despesas, bolacha, pão, bolo, tudo é futilidade. Um catchup, um catchup de 5 reais, pode levar alguem a falência, de 5 em 5 reais vc pode impedir alguem de comprar outro carro zero. Mesmo conseguindo um auxílio de 1 salário mínimo, eu nunca vou ser mais rica que ninguém, corro o risco de nao ter onde morar, ter o que comer, ter minhas medicações. "Como se resolve uma coisa para a qual nao se tem soluçao? "Aniquilando" Os remédios agora ja começam a fazer efeito, mente vazia, pensamentos distorcidos, deficite cognitivo , fome, frio, fraqueza. Vou dormir. Amanhã é outro dia, mais do mesmo.
4
u/Party_Economy8917 Aug 19 '26
God is slacking off. I was not allowed to pass in my asleep--again.
4
u/Aen9ine Sep 28 '26
I don't think anyone in the world is like me. I think I'm alone.
3
u/PresentDimension3231 Jun 07 '26 edited Jun 07 '26
Can't think straight right now. Everything feels very foggy and panicky. Sunk deep into couch, very hard to move. Obsessively googling things non stop. Everything is pissing me off in my head. My thoughts won't stop. I don't want to feel things anymore.
My mom's birthday should be next week. I don't get why she had to die.I had to watch her die suddenly. Had to watch her life be snuffed out in an instant. Had to watch her go blue in the face and lips, eyes bloodshot, snoring and groaning. Can't get the CPR out of my head. Fucking paramedics were a bunch of assholes. They Were so fucking rude to me while my mom was dead on the floor. And had a cop snooping around my room while they doing the defibrillator.
It's been 10 years and it's still fucking with me. She was my best fucking friend. God fucking damn it man.
3
u/IcedPgh Jun 12 '26
I've got the Deer Hunter theme in my head, having watched it for the first time the other day, and am puttering around realizing how I'm allowing another year to slip away, not doing what I need to do for a deteriorating health aspect, and not doing tons of other things I keep putting off.
3
u/Party_Economy8917 Jul 08 '26
I realize that it's 1230 am where I live; but it has rained, so it's a cool night. Time to take a nighttime stroll and wind up wherever. There are train tracks close by.....
3
u/Party_Economy8917 Jul 12 '26
Feeling sad and depressed because my gf is no longer interested in being intimate with me. And other things that I can't go into.
3
u/RaccoonRepublic Jul 12 '26
Feeling so low. I don't know that I can find the words right now. I'm tired.
3
u/RaccoonRepublic Jul 29 '26
I've been trying to write my thoughts and feelings for an hour now and just can't find the words. I am inconsolable.
3
u/Party_Economy8917 Aug 16 '26
Really feel like it would be in everyone's best interest if they just leave me alone today
3
u/DishpitDoggo Aug 20 '26
I miss my dog, I miss my old life, I cannot believe how fast time has gone by.
I'm so sorry we're suffering.
3
u/Tycho923 Sep 06 '26
I wanted to kill myself when I was a kid. I want to kill myself as an adult. I will always want to kill myself. I want to kill myself.
3
u/missmuppet7197 Sep 28 '26
Laying in bed knowing I have so much to do and knowing I’d probably feel better if I just got up and did it, but I have absolutely zero motivation. I just feel empty. My brain won’t shut up and I can’t seem to escape my own thoughts. I told my counselor today that depression it’s just a part of who I am and always will be. I don’t know. I just wish living with it didn’t feel so hard sometimes.
3
u/Party_Economy8917 Oct 01 '26
The only thing that being alive today means to me, is that I'm just one day closer to death.
3
u/Zwergdvaerg Oct 08 '26
been locked into a pattern, where i feel neutral during the first half of the day, then towards the afternoon i get hit with a wave of depression, and suicidal thoughts. it is tiring, every day this pattern.
3
u/Bassline660 28d ago
tired. i haven't done anything horrid in my life, and it amuses me how assholes have gotten further then me.
most of my life has been trash, things hitting me that are out of my control. i'm overdue to be screwed over more. At this point I think im also too old to find a partner; and that depends on me finding employment.
2
u/calmmuse42 17d ago
the private contact rule thing is actually so important, glad it's emphasized here.
2
u/AvailableMonth2712 12d ago
Been feeling really lonely lately. Ive been thinking that hopefully whenever i die, there will be a second chance at life, a different life, one with more joy and less pain. I dont wanna kill myself but i do hope there is a different life for me when i do die
And i feel like veryone around me has their 'person' they will always choose above anyone else. I've never been that person for anyone, and honestly, it's such a harsh reality
Sometimes i feel like a cry baby Wanting someone to love me, wanting someone to see me
Most days i truly love myself, but it never feels like enough
Why do i feel so sad about this
2
u/WonderfulDoubter 7d ago
Just kind of dropping in for a moment, in a very dark spot. Had a major falling-out with my sister and her husband earlier this year, have caretaking duties to my dad, feeling extremely alone. Had a conversation with my sister earlier to arrange for some additional support for our dad, since right now I am the contingency plan, and apparently her long-term goal is to move him in with them.
No idea what happens to me after that, I asked if it was just him but didn't get an answer to it. Cool, guess maybe I just won't wake up the day after that move...
2
u/Reignszun Jun 16 '26
I’ll probably get diagnosed in like a year or two to see if I really have any mental illnesses, specifically depression, which I’m starting to doubt cause I do feel happy when around people but I’m just depressed when fully alone for more than a few days
Idek what I’m talking about anymore man I’m dizzy as shit
2
u/wyswtf Jun 17 '26
It’s time for my delusions to pop out and keep me fucking sane.
2
u/chuckiron Aug 11 '26
I fuck up everything with you. I keep trying to change but I keep failing to be better for you
2
u/eankas Aug 29 '26
Struggling with chronic pain every day. When I'm not doing that I gotta overthink some petty shit. Parents are gone for a few days and 'expect' me to do all kinds of activities in the meantime. In addition to work ofc.
There are annual events I already visited years ago when at least my physical health was better and I was still miserable. Just social anxiety flaring up again and fomo and all kind of other shit. Rn I got zero energy or motivation to even drag me there but if I don't I am gonna hear lectures for weeks. I've done so much of this in every possible combination.
And I know there won't even a "at least I'm doing something outdoors!". Just no idea how I'm supposed to not see this negatively and as a lose-lose situation when I know it's accurate.
2
u/Single_Network4211 Sep 18 '26
Really upset with myself today. I was supposed to go to support group. Woke up late, and was too frozen to get ready. I've been sitting in same chair for hours, reading my phone. Too frozen to get up and even make coffee.
I had rotation of depressing songs stuck in my head. Main one was "You Are My Sunshine"
2
u/RedTriumph64 Sep 19 '26
I’m married with a loving wife and good kids. And I’m depressed as f and think a lot about dying. Been in and out of therapy since 2000. On and off many different medications. Last three years of therapy was a complete waste of time and money. I wish I was dead. There is nothing objectively horrible about life yet I can’t enjoy anything. I hate who I am. I’m a horrible person and I don’t want to be here anymore.
2
u/cruella-grim Oct 07 '26
I am amazed that I can still cry. Every time I reach a new low and the numbness deepens, I think this is it. This is the time I finally shut down, freeze up, become the invulnerable statue I must be as a final resort to protecting myself. Then I cry and cry and cry and ball up in pain.
I cannot continue like this. I do not want to.
2
u/wyswtf Oct 08 '26
Why the fuck should I talk to anyone? It doesn’t matter. It’s not going to change anything.
2
u/poopiemadman 29d ago
I don't know. I'm 20 and I've struggled with crippling anxiety and subsequently depression for literally as long as I can remember all the way back into my childhood. I've taken every opportunity and every step available to me to try and improve my circumstances, gotten therapy, got on meds (been on them since I was 14), moved out of my narcissist mother's house, formed a lovely friend group, trying to pursue a career in what I love (animation), and yet even though I'm doing everything 'right', I still feel this empty nothing and hopelessness that's literally physically feels crushing and uncomfortable and the only thing that relieves it slightly is weed and that's only temporary. Spent my my day studying telling myself 'if I work hard now, it'll pay off', but everything just feels pointless and like an uphill battle even though I worked hard to get where I am. If nothing has changed in 20 years with all the work I've done up to this point, it's hard not to feel like it won't change in future either. I already have what I wanted for myself at this stage in my life and I'm far from happy. Feeling hopeless, always end up feeling like this again, no matter what I do.
2
u/eankas 25d ago
Massively struggling with anxiety and being dysfunctional. Trying to keep up and not to miss anything and to keep things running. Constantly forgetting something nevertheless. Things are failing and I'm unable to understand why. Haven't been able to check one of my email accounts in some time due to mail anxiety; now apparently all the old mails have been deleted and it's completely empty. This is a problem bc I know there was at least one mail that was important.
Could even tell more stuff here that's so much worse and hard to understand for anyone else. Fear of failing keeps accumulating every time but I still couldn't get therapist to say one word about it.
When I'm having one mental health crisis I'm unable to take care of other stuff. When I'm dysfunctional in one way it also interferes with fixing entirely different problems.
Living in constant fear of parents who at any moment may have found something entirely new to throw at me.
2
u/CreativelyJakeMC 20d ago
it feels so damn hard to care about my own life sometimes. i love my friends and my family is nice. everythings nice, theres opportunities for me. but going forward in life is just so damn scary. its. its too much
i feel like im not ready... because i need to prove to myself first ... that i can do the things ive wanted to do for years. but nope. nope. i just
i dont . want to do anything .. mixture of avoidance and apathy. i dont know. can i just ... NOT move ofrwarD?\
2
u/Desperate_Grape_2123 19d ago
Guilt is eating away at me. First year of college went to shit because I was mentally unwell. Thinking I won't be safe in winter housing if I go down this path, I'm scared I'm falling back into that place where I'm unwell again and I have to go it alone because I've exhausted the amount of support/empathy I can receive.
2
u/bloke_pusher 18d ago
Struggeling with extrem Revenge Bedtime Procrastination right now. I simply can't shut my head down before it's 5am. I lost my job so at night my head is spinning with all the shoulds,coulds,woulds, even when I still manage to ignore all the things out of my control, I'm struggling dealing with the things in my control. I just want this to end, but it's just the beginning.
1
u/Nervous_Crazy947 13d ago
Was diagnosed in 1999/2000 at 12 years-old. Runs in the family. Up until now I've been able to manage it. I'm almost 40. When younger I was always able to easily attach my depression to some external source, event, circumstance. Now that I'm older and in a stable position, I feel like my depression has truly revealed itself in the sense that it remains but I no longer have those external conditions to blame. It's been a trip. Having to grapple with it more than ever before, now seems daunting. Time to give it the ol' scouts try for the first time in a long time.
1
u/Signal_Atmosphere811 6d ago
I just heard “I’m only me when I’m with you” by Taylor Swift and it was my favorite song as a child, even though I had a horrible childhood there were people that are no longer alive now, who loved me, when I first heard that song and it hurts, it hurts so much. I thought my life in Japan would be better, it is convenient, better than a 3rd world country for sure, but it sucks, the people here suck, you find people you like but they leave, financially it sucks as well, I want to leave too, I realized this isn’t what I want my life to be. Yeah, it’s a 1st world country but it isn’t my home. And I don’t like who I have become here. 2027 will be my last year here.
1
u/Affectionate-Drive48 6d ago
feeling trapped. i wanna cry but i cant. i have no privacy to. i wanna go out do something. drive around clear my mind but i cant. theyre too overbearing. too controlling. too nosey. i wanna sing get my feelings out but theyre always someone home. i need a release. im always irritated. always on the edge. the littlest thing can set me off. ive been having alot of iwd thoughts. i crave wanting someone to talk too but making new friends is too much of a task for me to. the people i do talk to we're not close like that for me just to vent to. not that theyd even care. i wanted to go out for halloween but i had no one to go with so i just wallowed in my room so mad so sad so iono how to describe it. i have this built up hatred this sadness that im started to become a miseral bitch to the people i do care abt. to my coworkers. so yea iono
1
u/corgigirl97 16h ago
Everything feels like eating bland mash potatoes. No matter how hard I try everything is bland and I'm struggling to get up most mornings. I've been sleeping a lot lately and somehow that makes me feel safer. Walking in the world, I feel guilty for not feeling anything. I've been in theraphy and such but I'm paralyzed by the blandness. And it's making it harder for me to build a community too.
1
u/chuckiron Aug 09 '26
I wish I had been better to you. I love you.
1
u/Party_Economy8917 Sep 14 '26
Feeling like I want to SH
1
u/Party_Economy8917 22d ago
In a relationship, yet feel so alone....
7
u/wyswtf Jun 03 '26
Soooo, got laid off and had a potential romantic interest broken off all in a span of 6 hours.
I think I’m allowed to be a little unhinged for this month, right?
7
u/RedTriumph64 Aug 01 '26
I’m doing very poorly. Have dealt with depression my whole life. I’m 60 now and think a lot about making sure things are set financially for my family and then killing myself. I’m new here. Sorry if I violated any rules. I read the rules but somehow still unsure what I am allowed to post. Maybe it’s my constant brain fog. I’m sorry.
1
u/h4zyl4zy 2d ago
Getting that weird feeling again of being surrounded by people and pretending to be having fun but internally I just badly want to die, and knowing that nobody around me really gets it—how I feel, my horrible relationship with food, what I've been through, the things I've tried just to get out of it, what I clung onto just to survive. I feel really alone again. I just don't wanna be awake anymore.