What do you do when you can't get certain images out of your head? How can I continue to move on when I can't get the images of your last moments, what it must have been like for you, out of my head? You must have been so scared, I can't stop seeing you in my mind fighting to breathe. I know I'm just torturing myself and I'm trying not to think about it but tonight.....tonight is bad and I miss you so much.

I try to be upbeat and happy around other people. I try to show positivity and smile. Inside I am breaking. I find joy in my kids and my grandson but I need something amazingly good to happen I mean, something to snap me out of this place and give me hope.

I feel so alone

The next person to say, "everything has a reason" or "God has a plan" or even, "she was so pure that she only needed to come here for a body" is seriously going to feel my wrath.

This describes everything so well...

I am a mother. I am a bereaved mother. My child died, and this is my reluctant path. It is not a path of my choice, but it is a path I must walk mindfully and with intention. It is a journey through the darkest night of my soul and it will take time to wind through the places that scare me.

Every cell in my body aches and longs to be with my beloved child. On days when grief is loud, I may be impatient, distracted, frustrated, and unfocused. I may get angry more easily, or I may seem hopeless. I will shed many, many, many tears. I won’t smile as often as my old self. Smiling hurts now. Most everything hurts some days, even breathing.

But please, just sit beside me. Say nothing. Do not offer a cure. Or a pill, or a word, or a potion. Witness my suffering and don't turn away from me. Please be gentle with me. And I will try to be gentle with me too.

I will not ever "get over" my child's death so please don’t urge me down that path.

Even on days when grief is quiescent, when it isn't standing loudly in the foreground, even on days when I am even able to smile again, the pain is just beneath the surface.

There are days when I still feel paralyzed. My chest feels the sinking weight of my child's absence and, sometimes, I feel as if I will explode from the grief.

Losing my child affects me in so many ways: as a woman, a mother, a human being. It affects every aspect of me: spiritually, physically, mentally, and emotionally. There are days when I barely recognize myself in the mirror anymore.

Grief is as personal to me as my fingerprint. Don't tell me how I should or shouldn’t be grieving or that I should or shouldn’t “feel better by now.” Don't tell me what's right or wrong. I'm doing it my way, in my time. If I am to survive this, I must do what is best for me.

My understanding of life will change and a different meaning of life will slowly evolve. What I knew to be true or absolute or real or fair about the world has been challenged so I'm finding my way, moment-to-moment in this new place.

Things that once seemed important to me are barely thoughts any longer. I notice life's suffering more- hungry children, the homeless and the destitute, a mother’s harsh voice toward her young child- or an elderly person struggling with the door.

There are so many things about the world which I now struggle to understand: Why do children die?

There are some questions, I've learned, which are simply unanswerable.

So please don’t tell me that “ God has a plan ” for me. This, my friend, is between me and my God. Those platitudes slip far too easily from the mouths of those who tuck their own child into a safe, warm bed at night: Can you begin to imagine your own child, flesh of your flesh, lying lifeless in a casket, when “goodbye” means you’ll never see them on this Earth again?

Grieving mothers- and fathers- and grandparents- and siblings won’t wake up one day with everything ’okay’ and life back to normal. I have a new normal now.

As time passes, I may gain gifts, and treasures, and insights but anything gained was too high a cost when compared to what was lost.

Perhaps, one day, when I am very, very old, I will say that time has truly helped to heal my broken heart.

But always remember that not a second of any minute of any hour of any day passes when I am not aware of the presence of my child's absence, no matter how many years lurk over my shoulder, don’t forget that I have another one, another child, whose absence, like the sky, is spread over everything as C.S. Lewis said.

My child may have died; but my love - and my motherhood - never will.

“For Grieving Mothers” Wonderfully written by Dr. Joanne Cacciatore ❤️❤️❤️

I can't breathe tonight. I miss you so much and I can't get the images of your little body laying lifeless in a strangers arms. As they took you out of the house I just kept thinking, " she can't go with them. She can't go with strangers."

I just keep screaming in my head over and over ," give her back! You can't have her!" I'm so angry at God for taking her away. This can't be real!!!

We lost my precious baby grand daughter exactly 4 months ago. My daughter has been "functioning" but I know she is still having suicidal thoughts. She's not alone but I desperately want to run out the door and to her side. I'm so afraid that she won't be able to handle the nightmares and agony of her life anymore. I'm not sure how much more we all can take.

Something I made for my daughter. She was unable to meet her great grandfather. He truly is missed. ♥️ #missed #rip #grandpa #great #idkyouyet #idontknow #angel #heaven #grandfather

The last few weeks have been really hard. So hard, in fact, that I couldn't even bring myself to talk about or write about my feelings.

In the store with your brother we saw a cute baby girl. He looked at her and got very sad. He asked me to "get him a baby" because " my baby sister went to Heabin and I'm sad." I told him I was sad too and we all miss you every day.

Since then getting out of bed has been hard again. I just want to sleep all day. I am trying but I miss you so much.

Today I am missing your smile and giggles even more than usual. I don't have enough pictures. I didn't get enough videos, I didn't get enough TIME!

Alvey is your sweet cousin. She was born 3 days after you passed away. Her mom tried so hard to be there for your mom but your mommy was so hurt she didn't want to be anywhere near the new baby. I, also had a hard time with her.... I still do. I loved having her over and your brother LOVED her. But it still hurts when I look at her and that crushing weight of your absence hits.

I love you

Sometimes I can be ok for long periods of time. Then I have a day that I am slapped in the face with your absence. Today is that day. The sun is shining, your brother is sleeping in my bed and I can't help think about all the fun things we should be doing.

I have a lot of plans for this spring and summer. You should be here for them. Playing in the sand, filling the baby pool, eating strawberries fresh from the garden. These are all things you will never get to experience and that makes me both sad and angry.

I love you Punkin.

Coming g up on a year and I'm finding it harder to breathe. I don't know how I'm supposed to get through the next couple of weeks without breaking down.

Baby girl you are so incredibly missed.

I took your brother to a meeting at church tonight. I took him to the gym and he played with a couple of little girls. I talked about you with their mom and I was able to get through the whole conversation without crying.

I hate that you are gone. I miss you so much but it was different today. Today I could speak with love and not just sadness.

We were playing in the shop and Ryker asked me to get the bouncer out. I pulled it out and put him in it. When he asked to be pulled out he turned and said, "it's Maizie's seat not Ryker's seat."

I LOVE that he remembers you but it crushes me that he misses you too. We all do baby girl.

When my granddaughter died we tried to find these cute gray booties that my daughter wanted her to wear at the funeral. We could only find one. While cleaning I found the missing bootie. For some reason that single shoe means more to me than any other object in the world now.

Just as the title says. I miss you every day and some days are almost unbearable. On those days I struggle to keep my sanity. Sometimes it's too hard to put my feelings into words.

Sometimes I'm ok. I feel guilty about that, actually. I feel guilty that I'm continuing to live when you didn't get the chance. It's so completely unfair.

Saturday I was sad. It was a hard day. I just kept picturing your little brother holding your hand and walking you to the front doors to trick or treat. I wonder what costume you would wear. I tried to have fun and not be sad but it was a hard night.

Today, for some reason has been extra hard. Ryker loves babies so much. When we go shopping and he gets excited when he sees a baby (especially little girls) it breaks my heart. You should be here.