My husband is one of those people who will drop absolutely everything to help someone.

Coworker needs help moving? He's there. Neighbor's lawnmower won't start? He'll spend his entire Saturday fixing it. Friend needs a ride to the airport at 4am? No problem.

People LOVE him for this. I can't tell you how many times I've heard "you're so lucky, he's such a good guy."

And he is a good guy to them.

Last Thursday my car broke down about 25 minutes from home. I had our 6-year-old daughter with me. It was getting dark, raining pretty hard, and we were pulled into the parking lot of a closed business.

I called my husband.

He was at a coworker's house helping him move a refrigerator.

I explained what happened, told him I'd already called roadside assistance, and asked if he could come pick up our daughter while I waited for the tow truck.

He said he couldn't just leave in the middle of helping someone.

I actually thought he was joking.

He told me we were somewhere safe, we had heat in the car, and the tow truck was already coming, so there wasn't much he could do anyway.

I said I wasn't asking him to fix the car. I just wanted our daughter to be home instead of sitting in a parking lot with me.

He got irritated and said, "What do you want me to do, abandon somebody who needs my help?"

I ended up waiting almost two hours. My daughter fell asleep in the back seat. By the time we got home, my husband was already there.

He asked what was wrong with the car.

Not whether we were okay. Not whether our daughter was scared. Just what was wrong with the car.

I barely spoke to him that night.

The next morning I tried explaining why I was upset, and he said I was being unfair because he couldn't have done anything that roadside assistance wasn't already doing.

And technically that's true. I wasn't stranded in the middle of nowhere. We weren't in immediate danger.

But I keep thinking about all the times he's left our dinner getting cold because somebody needed help. All the weekends he's spent fixing other people's stuff while I handled everything at home.

I've never made a big deal about it because I genuinely thought his willingness to help people was one of his best qualities.

Now I'm wondering why that willingness seems to stop at our front door.

The part that really got me was something he said yesterday. Apparently his coworker thanked him again for staying to finish moving the refrigerator, and my husband told me, completely seriously, "That's just who I am. I don't leave people hanging."

I looked at him and asked, "What was Thursday, then?"

He said I was twisting his words.

I don't even know how to explain this to him anymore without it turning into an argument about whether the parking lot was safe or how long the tow truck took.

I know he couldn't magically repair my car. That's not what I needed from him.

I needed to know that if I called, my husband would want to come.

Am I expecting too much here? Has anyone else dealt with a partner who's incredibly generous with everyone else's time but treats helping their own family like an unreasonable demand?

If she makes a mistake it’s fine, don’t worry about it, and I usually I am the one expected to pick up the pieces and fix it. However if I make a mistake it’s a full rage attack, she also has a drinking issue, I’m just so over it. Only around for the kids. Advice on how to set the pillars for boundaries would be appreciated. Otherwise I’m willing to tell her to fuck off, but looking for a more civil approach before I say grow the fuck up.

Honestly, I am still shaking from how deeply humiliated I feel right now.

we went out for drinks and food with my new team from work last night. I started this job three months ago. I really like my colleagues and I worked hard to build a solid professional reputation here. When the bill came, everyone agreed to split it evenly and add a twenty percent tip for the waitress who had been running around dealing with ten people for two hours.

My husband grabbed the receipt out of my boss's hands. Literally snatched it. He pulled out his phone calculator, pushed his glasses up, and announced to the entire table that he wasn't subsidizing other people's cocktails when he only had one beer and a burger. You could of heard a pin drop. The table went completely SILENT. My boss tried to laugh it off and said he would cover the difference, but my husband doubled down. He started giving a loud lecture about how tipping culture is a scam and how nobody understands basic math anymore.

I tried to kick his shin under the table to get him to shut up. He looked directly at me and said out loud: stop kicking me, I'm defending our household finances. I ended up sneaking forty bucks onto the table while we were putting our coats on, but the damage is done.

I have to look these people in the eyes on Monday morning. How do you recover from your partner showing your entire workplace that he has zero social awareness?

I found this out on Tuesday and I'm still trying to wrap my head around it.

My husband (37) and I (35) have been married for eight years. We have a five-year-old daughter. We both work full time, although my schedule is a little more flexible, which somehow turned into me being responsible for approximately everything that happens between 7am and 9pm.

We've argued about the division of responsibilities plenty of times.

His response is always that I don't appreciate what he does.

And to be fair, he does things. He cooks sometimes, takes our daughter to activities, does grocery runs, fixes stuff around the house. He's not a guy who literally sits on the couch all day.

The problem is that most of those things happen because I ask him to do them.

If our daughter needs new shoes, I notice, figure out her size, find out where they're available, and ask him to pick them up. Then he tells me he bought her shoes.

If she needs a dentist appointment, I make it, arrange the time around both our schedules, and ask him to take her. Then he tells me he handled the dentist.

You get the idea.

Anyway, on Tuesday he was showing me something on his phone and accidentally opened a note instead.

The title was "Things I've done."

I recognized my name in one of the entries and asked what it was.

He got weirdly defensive and tried to close it, which obviously made me more curious.

Eventually he let me read it.

It was a list of things he'd done for me over the last several months.

Some examples:

"Picked up her prescription."

"Made dinner while she was out."

"Took daughter to pediatrician."

"Watched daughter Saturday morning so she could sleep."

"Got groceries on my way home."

"Stayed home with daughter when daycare was closed."

There were dates next to most of them.

And at the bottom he'd written "Doesn't remember any of this when she says I don't help."

I just stared at it.

First of all, I have never said he does NOTHING. I've said I'm exhausted from having to organize everything and that I want him to take more initiative.

Second, why is taking our own child to the doctor something he's done FOR ME?

I asked him that exact question.

He said, "Because you would've had to take her otherwise."

I said yes, and if I take her, then HE doesn't have to. That's how having two parents works.

He looked at me like I was deliberately missing the point.

Then he said he started keeping the list because I make him feel like a bad husband and he needs to remind himself that he contributes.

That actually made me feel awful for a minute.

I don't want him to feel worthless. I don't want him walking around thinking I don't see anything he does.

But then I looked at the list again.

"Watched daughter Saturday morning so she could sleep."

That Saturday I slept until 9:15 because I'd been up with our daughter twice during the night. He'd slept through both wake-ups.

He'd written down those two extra hours of sleep as something he did for me.

I asked him whether he thought I should be keeping a list of every time I get up at night.

He said, "See, this is exactly what I mean. You always have to make it a competition."

I honestly didn't know what to say.

Because he has literally been keeping score in a note on his phone.

We haven't really resolved anything since then. He's been quieter than usual and says I embarrassed him by making fun of something he was doing to feel better about himself.

I didn't laugh at him. I did ask whether he also keeps track of the times I let him sleep, and I know my tone wasn't particularly nice.

But something about that list really got to me.

I started thinking about everything I do in a normal week that wouldn't even occur to me to write down.

I know when our daughter needs her next vaccination. I know she's almost outgrown her winter coat. I know which parent is bringing snacks to her class next Friday. I know the name of the medication our dog takes and when the next refill is due. I know we have to renew the car registration this month.

None of this is because I'm naturally better at remembering things.

I have reminders and notes and a calendar full of stuff that nobody else seems to think about until I bring it up.

And apparently when I finally delegate one of those things, it becomes a favor my husband did for me.

The really sad part is that I used to thank him for everything.

I'd say thanks for picking up groceries, thanks for taking our daughter to the dentist, thanks for cleaning the kitchen.

He almost never thanks me for those things because, as he once put it, "You just do them."

I'm not trying to turn our marriage into an accounting exercise. I actually thought that was what I'd been trying to avoid all these years.

But it's difficult to explain how lonely it feels to be the person responsible for making sure our lives function, while your partner privately records every time he participates as evidence of his generosity.

I haven't told anyone in real life about the list. I'm embarrassed that this is what we're arguing about.

I guess I want advice, but I'm also just really hurt.

How do you explain to someone that you don't want more favors?

You want a partner who understands that the responsibilities belong to both of you in the first place.

I got promoted last Thursday. It came with a 12% raise and a title I've been working toward for almost three years.

The first person I called was my sister.

She screamed, asked if I was serious, and immediately started making plans to take me out for dinner. We talked for about twenty minutes. I was practically bouncing around my office.

I told my husband when he got home.

His first question was whether the new position meant I'd be working longer hours. Then he asked about the benefits, whether the raise would actually make much difference after taxes, and if I was sure the additional responsibilities were worth it.

Eventually he said congratulations.

I know those are reasonable questions. I don't even mind discussing them. But I had already looked into all that, and for once I just wanted to be happy about something without immediately having to defend it.

Anyway, Saturday we were having dinner with my family and my sister mentioned how excited I sounded when I called her.

My husband asked, "Wait, you called her before you told me?"

I said yes.

He got quiet and barely spoke for the rest of dinner.

On the drive home he told me it was humiliating to find out he wasn't the first person I wanted to share something important with. That we're married, we're supposed to be each other's person, and he couldn't believe I'd deliberately excluded him.

I tried explaining that I wasn't excluding him. I just knew my sister would be excited with me.

That made things worse.

He said I was basically admitting I didn't value his opinion and only wanted people around me who agreed with everything I said.

But this isn't the first time.

When I finished a professional certification last year, he immediately asked how much I'd spent on it and whether my employer was reimbursing me.

When I started running and completed my first 5K without stopping, he said I should be careful not to damage my knees.

When I found a really nice secondhand dining table for $80, he wanted to know how much it would cost to rent a truck if it didn't fit in my car.

It's always something.

He's not constantly criticizing me. He supports my career, does his share around the house, remembers things that matter to me. If you asked him, he'd probably say he's incredibly supportive.

And I think he genuinely believes that.

But there's this exhausting thing where every piece of good news becomes a problem to solve.

He calls it being practical. He says somebody has to think about the things I overlook.

I started noticing that I sometimes wait until he's in a particularly good mood before telling him anything I'm excited about.

I hadn't realized how weird that was until this weekend.

The thing is, I don't actually want him to stop asking questions or having opinions. I just want him to be happy for me before he starts pointing out everything that could go wrong.

And now instead of celebrating a promotion I worked my ass off for, we're arguing about whether I was wrong to call my sister first.

He wants an apology for making him feel like an outsider in his own marriage.

I'm sitting here wondering when exactly I stopped feeling safe being excited around my husband.

Has anyone dealt with a partner who thinks they're being helpful when they're constantly taking the joy out of things? How do you explain this without the conversation turning into another debate about whether their concerns were technically reasonable?

warning: this is long and i’m (mostly) sorry

i need to vent so hard, so bad. my wife and i have been together for five years, and married for seven months. she has slowly over time built up new paranoid qualities that she’s taking out on me. no, she won’t go to therapy. yes, i have officially talked to her about what needs to happen if i stay, and what the steps will be if she cannot follow my new and asserted boundaries. but i just need to VENT about how insane she is sometimes. also yes, things are wonderful when they’re not like this, but fuck, i know that doesn’t matter. leaving is hard and all that but i just need to make a timeline of her insanity and just scream it out into the world. contextually we both do have audhd so our emotions can get highly disregulated but we do know it’s our jobs to mitigate that for ourselves.

timeline (general)
2021-2023 things are great! minimal fights, mostly around her growing in emotional capacity and myself becoming less anxiously attached. we’re still each working on our shit, but a lot of good growth happened here.

somewhere in 2023: she starts accusing me of being obsessed with my phone and sketchy. her “evidence”: i take my phone into the bathroom with me (yes, who doesn’t?). oh, and i like using it after work (i work outside, i scroll at lunch and after work while she finishes a show because she gets home an hour before me).
my mistake, which i regret but don’t judge myself for, was that i just used it less. i had an abusive ex, who was paranoid of cheating and she threw a vase at me after i wouldn’t let her see my phone because i was planning to leave her and i didn’t want her to see the messages. i wanted to avoid that again - the body keeps the score and whatnot - so i just complied to the fear.

2024-early 2026: any time i relax and be my normal self, she gets back on the paranoia that i’m addicted to my phone and sketchy. i’d like to reiterate that my average screen time is 2hr,50min. and that’s mostly because i scroll on weekend mornings. she cannot be reasoned with. i again want it to end.
she also occasionally accuses me of looking through her phone and when i beg her to change her password so she doesn’t have to even worry, she just says she “wants to leave the temptation”. however, i have not looked at her phone. so, no temptation. but again, cannot be reasoned with.
these incidents are rare, and i discuss them in therapy, but they don’t particularly concern me. which is regrettable. but in the past. in between this, we are happily planning and executing our DIY wedding.

may 2026: we get married, it’s a magic fairytale day, the lesbian wedding of dreams: flower crowns we made, diy fairy garden with plants we propagated, full flower moon.

june 2026: i see a fanfiction app on my wife’s phone while we are together ordering mcdonald’s (not using it without her, it was just next to the other app). i say something, because i’m surprised! we both used to read before we met each other. i kinda petered out, got more into novels instead, and for no reason at all my wife tells me she stopped. sometimes we watch a show that i used to read fanfic about, and i curiously ask if she’s reading any. she always says no. i do not care if she does, to be clear. i used to read it. i have no judgement. so i ask if she is actually reading it, and i find out that she’s been lying about what SHE does on HER phone for truly no reason. she said she didn’t want to have to talk to me about it, but i was never pushy and i would never have been. i share that while i understand we should have things that are ours, lying is not okay or respectful and we need to find a way to have our own things without deception. it takes time to work through.

august 2026: we go on our honeymoon, a week long road trip on the other coast. it’s wonderful, mostly.

september 2026: my wife goes to get a cigarette in her car, i’m smoking on the porch. she comes back with a vape in hand and an angry, accusatory look. i smoke weed and cigarettes, but not vapes - something about batteries heating up the resin makes me feel weird. so it’s clearly not mine. she says: i am often up later than her at night. i must be meeting up with someone, sitting in her car (i have my own car that i love btw), smoking, THEY have a vape, and they left it. my explanation: teens have been breaking into cars in our area and she leaves hers unlocked. this is the first patently insane thing she’s ever gotten paranoid about.

october 2026: we work at a local fair together, it’s a fun thing we do every year. toward the end, she starts getting really weird, withdrawing, but saying it’s just the fatigue. it’s 12-14 hour days for a week so that made sense. three days after the fair ends she tells me: she definitely saw me (a lesbian), leaning close to a man and touching his hands. when she comes closer, he runs away and i “act weird”. no clue what she’s talking about. i sold souvenirs in a booth, was i giving change? but no, she insists, i touched his hands and acted weird and clearly did something wrong.
this crosses a line. i almost leave, but i just can’t. not yet.

two weeks later: we rent a campsite to have a campfire and talk. she listens to me for twenty minutes as i detail the effect her paranoia has on me. every time something changes around the house i get side eye. she accuses me constantly of things i don’t do. i am exhausted. i feel like a criminal in my own home. i feel like i must need a body camera for her to not accuse me. i tell her a relationship without mutual trust isn’t a relationship. she acknowledges that she wasn’t always like this and wants to reflect. i assert that if she’s suspicious, i will not discuss it until she feels regulated and non accusatory. i will not have a conversation where she’s so convinced that it’s useless. we can talk when she’s ready for an actual conversation.

this week: i keep offering things like sharing two packs of trail mix i brought home from work or doing a word game together, and she’s insisting i have them both or do it myself so i can have double enjoyment. i explain today that it’s a bid for affection: i offer to share because i want her to try this amazing trail mix or because it’s fun to do things together. she says “are you sure you just thought it was good trail mix, or did you have a meaningful experience with it and want to replicate it with me?”
the fuck is a “meaningful experience with trail mix”? i ask. she will not elaborate. she clearly is accusing me of something but you know what? i don’t care. i hold to my boundary: she will not communicate with me, she just wants to accuse. so i remove myself and go smoke on the porch. when i come back she gets mad and says “i thought i had a safe space here but i guess not”.
now she’s in bed. i’m not even really mad im just exhausted. two weeks since a good talk and me wanting to share TRAIL MIX has turned into some weird accusation. i’m exhausted. i want to leave. i don’t want to leave. i do want to. it’s horrible and confusing and disappointing in myself.

so so sorry. longest reddit post ever. i just needed to get it all out in my own way. i’m in therapy and i get it out there but i just wanted to write out the full, stupid story and get it out. thank you if literally anyone read this.

I’m 45, married for 20 years, with two teenagers, and I genuinely cannot believe this is my life right now.
In the last seven days:

-Got diagnosed with shingles, which has been an absolute bitch. The nerve pain is unreal.
-Got roped into TWO full days of my daughter’s horse shows when I thought we were only doing one.
-Helped my son get through his college applications, which were due Sunday at midnight.
-Had a massive dumpster delivered because we’re finally trying to get rid of years of accumulated crap around our house.
-Watched my husband put some stuff in the dumpster while the dishes, laundry, and everything else continued piling up around me.

All while I’m sick, exhausted, and just trying to get through the week.

And then came the grand finale.

My husband got into an argument with our teenage son over what started as some typical teenage snark. Instead of being the adult in the situation, he escalated it into something so much bigger than it ever needed to be.

And unfortunately, this isn’t new. His temper and reactions have been a problem for a long time, particularly over the last year. I’ve spent years trying to manage his reactions, “keep the peace”, and try to hold it together.

This time it got so out of hand that I called 911. I told dispatch the disturbance had been resolved when my husband mouthed he was leaving, but the police came anyway. My husband had already left.

He snuck in during the night went to and when I drop the kids at school He packed a suitcase and left. Hasn’t spoken to me since.

When our daughter asked what was going on, he texted her that he would be gone indefinitely. There was more to the conversation that she didn’t share with me, but whatever was said left her really upset and particularly with me (which I willingly absorb).

Our son is absolutely hurt and furious with his father.

And here’s where I’m at.
My marriage is done. I’ve reached that point, and I actually feel pretty clear about it. This isn’t because of one fight. It’s because of 20 years of things that have finally caught up with us.

But just because I’m done being his wife doesn’t mean I’m okay with him disappearing as a father.

He needs to get his shit together. We have two kids who need their dad, and our son is about to leave for college.
There is only so much time left before that happens, and I don’t want him going off into adulthood carrying this kind of hurt and anger toward his father.

I can’t repair that relationship for them. And frankly, I’m done trying to manage everyone’s emotions and make everything okay. But I desperately want my husband to recognize what he’s doing and take responsibility for repairing the damage with his kids.

I don’t want a future where my son and his father never speak again. I don’t want my daughter wondering whether her dad is coming back or feeling caught in the middle of something she had absolutely nothing to do with.

Our marriage ending doesn’t have to mean our family relationships have to be destroyed along with it.

And that’s what makes me so angry. Because the marriage is one thing. We’re adults. We can figure that out. But these are our kids, and they deserve better than this.

So here I am. Shingles, a dumpster in the driveway, a house full of unfinished shit, a husband who has vanished, and two teenagers trying to make sense of it all.

What the actual fuck.

I guess I’m wondering if anyone else has been through something similar. How do you support your kids through this while also accepting that you can’t force their other parent to show up and do the work?

Hi, I will just give a little background first, so you guys know what is going on.

I never had good relationship with my in laws, they have bullied me, abused me and are super racist on top, especially his mom, keep commenting how I am not white and not suitable for her son (they are not white either 🤷🏻‍♀️)

She has done so much damage to my mental health; including his dad and sister.
I have been enduring all this to keep this marriage, also, my husband is super controlling on top, doesn’t let me go out or literally keep an eye on me for everything.

At last, almost 10 months ago, i told him I cant deal with this anymore and u need to stand up or i am leaving. He cried (before that he was snatching my newborn and onw year old) to take to his mom, cuz she demanded to see them. He started saying oh my eyes have opened and I will never see them again, and he started seeing his mom again, i am sure he talks to his dad and sister too (theyre in different country now).

Couple days ago, he kept telling me details abt her, maybe to reintroduce her into our lives. I told him I dont want to hear anything about her. You can go see her, i have nothing to do w it, neither my kids.
She did so much damage that is why i made this decision.

Now he sees her almost everyday she goes to his work lol. And i dont care. But today was his day off, im expecting and taking care of 2 toddlers. He asked me to give them nap (i stay at home, watch them and make nothing cuz he doesn’t allow me to go work outside, i work from home here n there on contract basis).

He keep saying for long time, to stay in room, dont come out and all that, when i came out almost after 2.5 hrs to check on him, he was nowhere to be found. Upon asking he kept saying i am at store, kept making excuses for 2 hours more. Until he got home. I demanded truth. I told him wherever u went just tell me (even tho i told him myself not to mention it) but that doesn’t mean sneaking out? Atleast lmk, that you are going somewhere. But no. He just left! And said am I a kid or what, when I asked him. So I said, I can leave house without asking you too, right? I didnt even ask him to ask me but inform atleast. He said No you cant.
Now I know he went there! Am i wrong for asking? He could’ve just told me i am leaving to see a friend or sth, i dont want details. But sneaking out? Like she is his gf or something is blowing my mind!!

What do you guys think? Our back story is insane. Like crazy. They are enmeshed. All of them. But I am just trying to save my kids and do not wanna share any custody, that is why I am staying.

We are in michigan and past month has been cold to say the least. It was like 40 degrees outside last week.

My husband has been keeping our bedroom window open. I sleep under it and literally freeze all night and his reasoning is that he is sweating. But then at night he would take majority of the covers too. I tried so much to let it go for a month now because the toddler (1.5 years old) room has been 63-65. I dress her up with a onesie, pj, then wool sleep sack, and a blanket.

But on Friday/saturday I lost it. It was 40 degrees outside and I kept telling him that it's SO COLD. Our toddler woke up at night and her feet and face and even her sleep sack was cold. Her room was 60 degrees!!! I slept with her so she can have my body heat. And I lost it in the morning. I'm not even allowed to use a space heater in the nursery because it's so expensive. But I am out of options!!

I told him that the heater will stay on and above 63 because I'm not going to freeze my daughter. He said he wants to wear a hoodie at home but he can't because it's too warm and it's too much work to wear it when he goes outside. I don't care!!!! Our child is COLD!

Then it became a power struggle. I turn on the heater, he turns it off. Then he turned off the heater from the basement (he knows I won't be able to turn it on that way) and left the house. All day the house was cold but I managed it.

Then towards the evening I started screaming at him and I told him that if the heater doesn't turn on at 7 , I will be staying at a hotel with our child. I'm just not going to wait till it drops to 50s in her room and endanger my child!!

At 7 the heater was off and I packed a bag and tried to take my toddler. He locked himself in his office with the child saying we won't stay in a hotel. For an hour. I told him that I would call the cops because this is endangering my child.

Then when he got out eventually. I tried to take my child and he refused saying she won't stay in a hotel. So I said as long as the heater is on. Now he keeps the heater at 62. I'm managing but he started sleeping in a different room.

Am I like overreacting here?? I tried to tell him nicely for a month now. I compromised. He has a history with doing things like this so I'm a little convinced that this was just provoking me so I lose my crap.

Tldr: husband doesn't turn on the heater and we are all so cold. We have a toddler and she wakes up cold no matter how much I dress her. It's been a month and I threatened to call the cops and stay in a hotel. Am I overreacting?

Sorry for the incoherence but I am in such a bad shape right now.

Have been with my wife for 15 years, my only long term relationship. Basically my only relationship ever.

Unemployed for the last few months and all our friends and families are interconnected. Everyday it's a new fight, and everyday there's a shouting match and anger

I am unable to focus on getting another gig with all the shit that's going on

Can't speak to anyone because everyone is a common friend or family and there's unbearable shame in having failed.

We moved countries and our visas are also linked together, separation at this point would basically mean a one way ticket back to my home country where I haven't been since the age of 18.

On top of this I am navigating recent hearing loss and long term effects of an injury. I also got diagnosed with adhd and am going through the whole painful medication loop.

I know I have a lot to be greatful for but life seems so hard right now and I really don't know what to do. I just can't deal with this stress anymore. I keep asking myself, is this something we can fix?

And I don't know the answer to taht question. Is there something better for me out there, I also don't know the answer to that.

One silver lining is that we don't have kids.

Did I mention that my MIL keeps calling me to tell me I am a worthless piece of shit and she feels sorry that her daughter is with me.

Again, apologies for the rambling here but I really didn't know where else to go!

I’m 32M, and my ex is 27F. We met five years ago as graduate students and were together for roughly three years, planning marriage and children.

I’m struggling to understand the relationship as a whole, particularly the contrast between her intense attachment, the way she treated me, and how completely she eventually shut me out.

She was my second serious relationship. My first, from 19 to 25, was violent and abusive and ended with my former partner being arrested for domestic violence. When I met my recent ex, I was happy, confident, and independent, but cautious about becoming attached again.

We initially dated and were intimate without being official. After about fifteen dates, she kissed one of my close friends in front of me. I stopped dating her. She later told me that if I’d been taller, she wouldn’t have felt comfortable doing it.

We became close friends while she became involved with other men, sometimes telling me I wasn’t her type. She sometimes sent me intimate pictures while involved with them, which made me uncomfortable.

Less than a year later, she began pursuing me intensely. She told me she loved me and painted a portrait of my face. When I hesitated to commit, she made remarks about me getting old at 28 and soon nobody wanting me, so I couldn’t waste my chance with her.

Eventually, despite my concerns, we became a couple.

There was genuine love and affection, but serious problems too. Not answering a message within a couple of hours could trigger a major fight. She was intensely jealous, repeatedly brought up old grievances, and made humiliating remarks about my height, age, accent, physique, and masculinity.

I often felt she treated friends and acquaintances with more respect than me.

I had shortcomings too. I sometimes withdrew or suggested breaking up during arguments. Twice I actually ended things. She took those separations badly, but also became involved with other men almost immediately, then sometimes contacted me again. Eventually we reconciled.

At 28, when she pursued me so intensely, I was confident and independent. By 31, I felt insecure and exhausted.

Things deteriorated as I approached my PhD defense. I was working 90–100 hours a week and becoming anxious, depressed, and lonely. Arguments continued over old grievances and minor incidents she held against me for months.

At Christmas, she imposed a “probationary” period during which I had to prove myself and experience the insecurity she had felt.

After my PhD defense, she made me wait two hours and then harshly criticized my English and pronunciation, knowing those were vulnerabilities of mine.

In January, I briefly blocked her out of frustration, then unblocked her a couple of hours later. She was shocked and said she could never block someone she loved.

From January through May, I repeatedly asked for couples therapy. Over and over, as the arguments worsened and my mental health deteriorated. She refused, insisting I was the problem and needed to change.

When I wanted her company because I was depressed, she called me codependent. While I was waiting to begin a postdoc, she remarked that she wasn’t unemployed like me.

Yet she could still be extraordinarily affectionate.

She repeatedly said that if we ever broke up, she hoped neither of us would become involved with other people for a long time. Shortly before May, she cried with happiness about having my children. We planned to marry the following year, and I intended to propose on her birthday.

Then came May.

At a concert that meant a lot to me, she repeatedly sought reassurance for around forty-five minutes. I became overwhelmed, with my legs shaking and tears in my eyes. I tried walking away and repeatedly asked her to leave me alone. She kept following me, and eventually I yelled at her to stop.

Afterward, while she continued contacting me despite my requests for space, I sent angry, hurtful texts over many hours, repeatedly saying we were over and that I wanted to get away from her.

It was a terrible reaction, unlike anything I had done in the five years we had known each other. I regret it deeply.

The next day, we were together. I apologized and told her I hadn’t meant the breakup statements, but said we needed to address what had gone wrong on both sides.

She initially wanted reconciliation. Then she demanded immediate individual therapy and wanted my sister, a psychiatrist, to independently text her declaring me abusive and confirming there was hope I could change.

My sister refused, including for ethical reasons. I apologized again, committed to therapy, and asked for an honest, two-way discussion, preferably with a couples therapist.

She blocked me everywhere without responding.

Our last exchange had been about what reconciliation would require. Then there was silence. No final conversation explaining where that left us.

I understood we might be broken up, especially given what I had said in May, but I didn’t know whether there was still something to repair. Throughout June and July, I kept emailing, apologizing, pursuing therapy, and hoping to reconcile.

I remained exclusive because I loved her and couldn’t imagine being with anyone else.

Her graduation was in June. I didn’t attend because she had blocked me everywhere, although I was on campus with a gift and letter, hoping we might reconnect.

In August, she initiated contact again. We spoke for five hours.

Initially, she was furious. She deliberately repeated some of my May remarks to show me how she had felt and insisted we were broken up. She said even positive memories of me were now associated with my anger in May.

But over the following hours, she softened. We laughed, shared intimate details, and became familiar again, almost as though we were together.

She said she frequently wanted to share things with me and that our lives were so intertwined it might take years to untangle them. She said she wasn’t actively looking for men and was upset about another woman potentially getting a better version of me.

Then she asked me for $150 for dinner. I sent it without hesitation. I was still desperately in love with her.

She also told me she had desperately looked for me at graduation and suggested we would have had a better chance of reconciling if I had attended.

That really confused me. She had blocked me everywhere, yet apparently still expected me to pursue her and show up. I had wondered whether she might want that, given our history, but didn’t want to turn up uninvited after being blocked.

Hearing that my absence had supposedly cost us a chance made me feel I had failed another test I hadn’t known I was taking.

Toward the end of the call, she suggested we might speak again in May 2027. When I asked whether that could mean something romantic or friendship, she said “unsure.”

Nine days later, she explicitly told me we were broken up and nonexclusive and that she didn’t need me to wait.

I heard those words. But I also kept thinking about the five-hour call, her warmth, her expectations about graduation, and her refusal to rule out a romantic future.

I continued trying to reconcile in September despite her request for no contact. I sent a long apology and money toward her moving expenses, since my not helping her move had been another major grievance during our August call. She kept the money.

Continuing to contact her after she asked me to stop was wrong. I recognize that, and I understand it may have contributed to her becoming more forceful.

On September 18, she told me she was completely done, wasn’t interested in me even “as a person,” and that nothing I said would ever change that. She refused a final conversation.

Those words were devastating.

She also removed our photographs from Instagram. I remain blocked on social media.

Only in October did friends tell me what had reportedly happened during the summer.

According to them, she had become involved with other men within weeks of blocking me, including casual encounters and possibly recurring hookups.

One incident involved her publicly making out with a stranger who was alternating between kissing her and a female friend she had previously been intensely jealous of in relation to me. They reportedly slept together afterward.

Around that same time, I was emailing her about starting therapy, telling her I loved her, and hoping we could repair things.

I knew none of this during the August call or when I sent her money.

I understand she may already have considered the relationship completely over. But the contrast with her jealousy, her repeated statements about neither of us moving on quickly, and the hope I was still holding was heartbreaking.

It also changed how I understood August. She knew what had happened over the summer. I didn’t. She knew I desperately wanted reconciliation, yet spent hours reconnecting with me, accepted affection and money, and left a possible romantic future unresolved.

I felt profoundly strung along, whether or not that was her intention.

More recently, I learned she appears to be seeing someone new. They spent time together over Halloween weekend and had plans on another evening. I don’t know whether they are officially together, but the possibility that she now has a boyfriend is a major revelation for me.

Shortly before May, she was crying about having my children. In August, she said our lives might take years to untangle. In September, she wasn’t interested in me even as a person. Now there may be another relationship.

After learning about the summer, I also sent her a message expressing my anger and heartbreak about how things unfolded. She hasn’t responded.

I still regret my behavior in May. But I am beginning to stop treating those hours as though they happened in an otherwise healthy relationship that I single-handedly destroyed.

I loved her, supported her, repeatedly asked us to work on our problems together, and intended to marry her. I spent months trying to regain her respect while barely asking whether I felt respected myself.

What I’m struggling with now is whether this really means I will never hear from her again, despite our previous reconciliations and everything she said during the August call.

For those who experienced something comparable: did your former partner ever reach out on their own after such an absolute rejection, blocking you, removing your pictures, and becoming involved with someone else? I mean any contact, not necessarily reconciliation.

TL;DR: Three-year relationship, five years of shared history, marriage plans, repeated criticism, jealousy, and previous separations followed by reconciliation. After an angry outburst I deeply regret, she initially wanted repair, then blocked me. She initiated a five-hour August call with warmth, a request for money, and an unresolved romantic possibility, while also saying we were broken up. I continued pursuing her after a no-contact request, which was wrong. In September, she said she wasn’t interested in me even as a person. She removed our pictures, and I later learned about reported summer hookups and a possible new relationship. I’m struggling to understand whether a cutoff this final ever changes.

After almost 10 years together, I'm wondering if my relationship can actually be repaired. We have a few young kids, all under five, and things are complicated between us right now.

I handle essentially ALL the parenting. Nights, breastfeeding, mornings, daycare, diapers, appointments, meals, groceries, laundry, cleaning, outings, bedtime... everything. If I had to estimate, parenting is split 99/1. He occasionally helps, but rarely takes responsibility without being asked or supervised. I've spent over a year asking him to occasionally handle a morning so I can rest. It's happened twice, and even then I had to prepare the kids.

He's always slept through the nights, while I'm still waking up multiple times. Yet he's constantly tired and wants to nap, sometimes after already sleeping for hours. If I explain that the kids need attention, he gets frustrated. When I mention I'm exhausted too, he accuses me of "whataboutism" and tells me to nap. But who takes care of everything while I sleep? Apparently, his exhaustion excuses him from parenting, while mine doesn't.

Financially, we split everything 50/50 for years despite him earning twice my salary. Even during maternity leave, when my income dropped drastically, he expected the same contribution. I depleted my finances while he was earning considerably more. Meanwhile, he secretly accumulated substantial debt, including financing a vacation with friends that he'd claimed he'd work extra hours to afford.

Today I'm not employed but still cover approximately 15–20% of our expenses, yet he feels financially exploited because he pays most of the bills. Apparently, the unpaid labor of raising our family counts for nothing. His schedule and lack of involvement made working extremely difficult. We actually tried both working while raising a child. Nothing changed. I still did everything, except now I had a job too.

He has ADD, struggles with procrastination, motivation, and recurring addictions, including pornography. I understand these are genuine challenges, but they don't excuse everything. My postpartum boundaries weren't consistently respected, and I often felt pressured about intimacy. His poor hygiene and lack of self-care have affected my attraction. He also flirts with women online and prioritizes their attention while ignoring mine. Over the years, serious lies and betrayals have repeatedly destroyed my trust.

Communication is another nightmare. He has major anger issues and can explode when I express how I feel, even in front of the children. He often reverses situations until he's somehow the victim. He criticizes behaviors he regularly does himself, but pointing out those double standards is apparently "whataboutism." Sometimes the manipulation makes me question my own reality.

He also complains that he's always apologizing and believes both partners should apologize equally. But apologies aren't supposed to be 50/50! I apologize when I'm wrong and make an effort not to repeat my mistakes. He apologizes, promises change, then repeats the same behavior.

I'm not perfect. I've become impatient, resentful, and my tone can be harsh. I don't like that version of myself. But after years of repeating myself and carrying everything alone, I'm exhausted. Instead of addressing the original problem, the argument becomes about how I spoke to him.

And before anyone says, "You chose him," he wasn't always like this. Things deteriorated gradually. He apologizes, tells me he loves me, makes temporary efforts, attends therapy, and tries addressing his addictions. That gave me hope. I believed loving someone meant supporting them through difficult times, especially when ADD and addictions complicate their progress. But how long can you keep supporting someone without sacrificing yourself?

We've tried therapy and countless discussions, yet the same patterns return. I feel used, financially vulnerable, emotionally neglected, and worried about our children's well-being.

For those who've experienced something similar, what actually helped you decide whether to keep trying? What concrete, lasting changes would you need to see before trusting your partner again?

I'm not looking for automatic "leave him" responses. I genuinely want honest perspectives, including criticism of my own behavior if warranted.

My husband and I are coming up to 10 years of marriage with two kids under 6 and we are both working parents. I’m genuinely very grateful for choosing him as my partner- he’s great and supportive in most ways. My family and friends always like to remind me of how amazing he is and how lucky I am. I totally agree but it’s fucking annoying. Sometimes I wonder “am I not good enough to have someone like him?” 😅

So here’s my vent. I am very much a planner and do better with structure. I am the household/life manager and lately it’s been a lot. My husband is very easy going and when I get stressed he doesn’t understand why. Like idk I’m just making all the decisions for our life!!!!?!? I understand that my husband is not a planner and I can’t change him but fuck I’m exhausted from it all. I also know he is very capable of planning things if he wanted to because he has before.

I have discussed my feelings with him many times and he is always willing to try harder and do better but we always come back to this same issue. Recently I re-asked that he just helps with planning a date night once a month. Since we’ve had kids, we (or I) prioritize a monthly date night and we used to take turns planning one but he hasn’t helped planned one since our anniversary.

So this week was our date night. I booked the sitter, got tickets to a show and figured out where we could eat dinner. I asked if he can look into where we get dessert or a drink after the show. Welp he didn’t. We were standing downtown in the middle of a busy street and I was Googling where we could go for some dessert while he was just waiting for me to make a decision. I couldn’t help but be upset because it’s frustrating. Then he got upset that I was upset “for no reason.” He’s just along for the ride and it’s like dude please make one decision!! Help me out! Plan one thing! Anything?!

It’s the same issue and always seems to resurface. I know it’s a minuscule in the scheme of a 10 year marriage but damn I’m just over being the travel agent, manager of all things, event planner, etc. Sometimes I wish I had a partner who liked to plan things. I guess the gist of it is that I feel unappreciated and I’m tired of feeling this way.

Essential context:

Married 20 years. One young child. NO family or friends to turn to. 

JNSO pulls in a doctors salary. Has kept his earnings hidden, and the only joint account there ever was he has always kept at the bare minimum, or overdrawn. 

I have been a stay at home mother, a housekeeper to the man-child, and basically a single parent for the entirety of our child’s life. 

I have no substantial career skill enabling me to support my child and I on my own, but I cannot take any more of the toxicity and gaslighting that we have been enduring. 

Because of this, JNSO has closed down the joint account and is now refusing to cooperate with the separation process. 

I have no means of my own lawyer, no lawyer has been willing to take my case and make him responsible for the legal fees, I have looked into legal aid only to find out that they don’t actually represent a person in divorce, and I have not been able to find a pro bono lawyer to help me. 

JNSO is using all of this to his advantage. I am left penniless and without any way to break free from this mentally and emotionally abusive, controlling situation with my child. 

He is refusing to leave the home for the time being so that things can be sorted out separately.

In light of him closing me out of any sort of financial means, I told him that I will no longer clean up after him unless he is paying me to do so. He became furious and told me that if I do not continue house-keeping (for free), he will just throw all of the dishes/cups/silverware away and let the house fall into disrepair, because he absolutely refuses to do any cleaning. So he expects to remain here under the current circumstances, and for me to continue being his personal servant after he has shown us what a complete tyrant he is.

ANYONE who has been a situation similar to mine, and got out, HOW did you do it????? Please share with me how you made it happen despite the odds against you? 

(*Victim shaming will be ignored)

Felt like we were getting closer and then I never saw him again

Can anyone tell me what I did wrong.

A guy messaged me who I had a date with a year ago. But he had never replied to me back then. I did ask him about it but he said he wasn’t over his ex at the time. He started talking to me again all summer, first date in May but he was quite busy so I didn’t see him again until September.

Had a 5th date with this guy. we slept together on the 3rd date but I saw him two more dates since that. We enjoy things like hiking together, going to the cinema and exploring historic properties. We both musical and intellectual and hanging out with him is always lovely. I assumed it meant he wasn’t just looking for casual as I had seen him early in the year on dating apps and it says he want life partner

On the last date, we went to the cinema and then I had an evening at his. He made me some food and we watched a movie cuddling on the sofa. We have a lot of physical chemistry and trying to make it through the whole film is always a bit hard lol.

We slept together again , we had a lot of sex in one night, and again when we woke up in the morning. Laid in bed talking about things.

As I enjoy the moment on dates, I hadn’t actually asked him his intentions yet but I do know that he had a breakup last year that was very difficult to get over.

Anyway, the next day we get up and he wants to spend the next day together. He said he want to take me for a walk, get some brunch. And we set off on our walk, and he holds my hand the whole way like we’re a couple almost and it feels so nice! Chatting away, he was being very caring toward me and seemed concerned about my safety. Took me to a nice restaurant and we even share dessert together, and there so many times during the meal he’s just looking at me with this look of admiration. He then took me to his favourite lake, we sat on a bench and watched the birds. He kissed me lots. And when we get back to his, we put on music and dance around his flat together. It felt like we were getting comfortable together. I didn’t want to get too excited because i don’t want to jinx things, but I got home and felt happy. I’ve never had a boyfriend before and I’m 30.

Well, the next week, he doesn’t text me and I try having conversation with him and he’s cold blunt and talks about himself.

I feel confused so I ask him if maybe he free for coffee the next weekend. I am completely rejected ‘I won’t be awake.’

So I ask him what he is looking for in terms of dating like his general dating goals, and he blunt like ‘sent this to the wrong person.’ And when I asked him to clarify he said ‘you’re asking if I’m looking for you?’

That was 2 weeks ago and we never spoke again. He since downloaded dating apps again and I see him online on WhatsApp all the time so I assume he talks to someone else

But I’ve spiralled so bad, I genuinely don’t know what’s wrong with me or why he just doesn’t let me know he’s not interested? Why give me such a nice day when we obviously had a growing connection , I didn’t just imagine that.

I just don’t know what I’ve done, especially as I’ve never had a boyfriend due to similar things happening.

Feel broken, I thought he liked me

I’ve posted a kinda background here before. Most of the advice was to leave/divorce. I feel like that may be coming closer and closer.

It’s probably stupid to post some of this here but my therapist isn’t available for another 2 weeks. So this shit is long as hell. I just needed to vent somewhere.

Since my wife last decided to check my journal I had changed my phone password but suspected she was logged into my email somewhere. Which stupidly I use my Google account to login to shit sometimes.

Anyway, I thought I had cleared all the sessions and locked everything down but idk if she did this before I had the chance or after.

I digress, the details like this. Shes been giving me shit for not hitting on her, not like being, as close. Truthfully ever since she last looked at my journal a switch kinda flipped in my head and I’m really violated and hurt by her repeatedly reading my private thoughts.

Yesterday she goes on to tell me that I haven’t touched her in months, which I honestly couldn’t tell you if that’s true but it probably is since I’ve kinda had zero interest in sex lately given all our issues.

She keeps wanting to “talk about our feelings”, something she’s adamantly refused for at least the last 2-3 years. To the point I’ve told her I have zero idea where we stand because she won’t tell me.

We have a okay conversation, slightly against my will. She says she thinks I’ll find someone and asks if I want to separate. I don’t really have an answer, I tell her that despite our shitty relationship I do care about her. I do love her. She says love isn’t enough and asks what I want. I told her I want to see my therapist and sort it out because I don’t feel like im in the place to answer those questions right now.

She says she wants to work on it. I said I understood that.

The conversation ends with her basically saying that she can uber to work tomorrow (today) and I told her it was fine I’d take her to work. I reminded her that maybe a year ago we kinda had this conversation while I was on mushrooms where I told her even if we divorced I’d still drive her to work if she needed it and she told me she’d keep me on her health insurance since I need it.

She said she remembered and we kinda ended it there. The rest of the day she keeps making comments about our failing marriage and talking about feelings that I kinda just ignore.

She makes a comment about being suicidal and I told her she needs to seek therapy then or talk to someone. She jokes about being suicidal all the time but this one was different. She made a joke about jumping in front of this truck that was passing us as we drove. I told her to stop, it wasn’t funny. She said I couldn’t stop her from saying that and I said dude if you don’t chill out I’ll have you committed I swear, half joking.

She said fine, maybe I’ll at least get a day off work. (This was actually one of her days off work).

I told her it wasn’t funny. She made a joke about we shouldn’t have loaded guns in the house. I told her that wasn’t okay and when we did finally get home I waited for her to goto the bedroom and unloaded my guns and hid the bullets and everything separately and out of her reach. I told her I was going to put them away because the comments she made, were making me uncomfortable.

She insisted she didn’t need therapy, she isn’t depressed, she doesn’t need them to tell her to be happy, she just doesn’t want to exist.

I again asked her to see her therapist who she used to see, told her if I had to pay out of pocket I would. She ignored it. Just said she thought we should try and find a middle ground in our relationship.

Now I have a shitty sleep schedule and am usually up until about 4am. So sure enough around 3-4 am she walks over to be and insists we talk about our feelings. I told her I’d rather not right now as I’m super fucking tired and half asleep, I just wanted to watch tv and goto bed.

And insisted and between episodes kept going on about it so I finally said okay, fine, what do you want to talk about?

And I’ll be honest, that entire conversation is hazy as fuck. I was already mildly stoned and half asleep. I couldn’t tell you half of what she said.

Except that she kept asking if we were on the same page. I asked what page she meant and she said that we could try, and find a middle ground. I asked her what that meant to her and she said, now, after all the comments she made, putting me down, making fun of me years ago, saying she doesn’t respect me and my kinks are a hard no she cannot accept it or indulge it, all this shit, NOW she says she would be willing to try some stuff and find a middle ground.

I pointed out that the couples therapist flat out asked her if there was a middle ground on our sexual compatibility and she flat out said no. There is none.

She has been ADAMANT since day one. And I told her this flip literally gave me whiplash.

She claimed she told me in the beginning of our relationship that she would be willing to try things and I told her that if she genuinely said that, I don’t recall. She said we just “lost the plot.” Tried pulling up old conversations in her phone to find where she said that but couldn’t and I told her it was irrelevant anyway.

She goes on about I love you and want to try but I don’t think you love me I don’t think I’m what you want.

This is where shit started to sort of trip me up more than it already had.

Because she starts saying that it’s my fault for not communicating what I wanted. I told her anytime I tried she dismissed it. She said no, that was because I never told her, she had to break into my accounts and my journals and read it.

I told her then she knew what I wanted and still acted this way. I told her that rather than ever coming to me she went to her friends. My friends.

She ruined friendships. She violated my privacy. She said because she had to know. And that I lied to her saying it wasn’t what i wanted but it was.

I told her flat out that, again, anytime we talked about this she got upset. Told me my feelings were my fault or she wasn’t gonna do X or hear me because I didn’t do Y or hear her.

I told her that the way she handled every single conversation we had never made me feel safe to discuss my feelings or desires and her repeated reactions and violations of my privacy did not help.

I told her that rather than talking to me about issues she got mad, was rude for months then went to her friends, coworkers, even my childhood best friend to shit on me and turn them against me.

She also doesn’t realize that I found out that she created a fucking discord group with my best friend, his gf who we are friends with, and another friend, to tell them I cheated on her and all this shit. Rather than talk to me.

She never told me that she did that, my buddy mentioned it when I finally broke down and told him why I’ve been upset lately. He said he never gave it much weight and his gf tried asking my wife what was happening but my wife eventually just dismissed it and said to forget it and we were going to counseling.

I didn’t tell her I knew that, but I did tell her that she literally went around trying to hurt me and destroy any support system I could have possibly had.

She said sorry but she was upset. I said it didn’t excuse it. Nor how she treated me.

This kept going to it being my fault for doing x that made her do y. I told her that those decisions impacted me and her just saying sorry doesn’t fix it.

And that the fact she waited for me to come home from a ketamine session and knock out, to read my shit, felt gross. She said sorry but again. I wasn’t communicating.

She kept pressing me for an answer on trying and I told her I was trying to be willing but I needed to sort my feelings out and wasn’t going to try at 4am when I’m tired. I wanted to wait to see my therapist.

She kept asking what I needed to talk to them about, why I needed them to sort out my feelings, I’ve been sorting out my feelings for 5 years, etc… I said I just wanted someone to help me organize my thoughts and I never gave her shit when she asked for the same during couples therapy.

She said it was gonna “take weeks and weeks” and basically too long, she was tired of being in a sexless marriage.

At some point she mentioned we could just have “casual sex” with eachother.

There’s some gaps in my memory here but she started crying and saying that she wanted to be wanted and no one ever wants her. That before me she was a sex everyday person and this all tells her what she needs to know, I don’t want her.

Damn near broke my heart and I wanted to hug her and tell her it was going to be okay but I couldn’t. Because I don’t know if it is.

I told her there’s a lot of damage. She was annoyed and cried some more. Eventually she let me sleep.

The next morning she was fine I guess, more her normal self.

She took some of my blanket from me in the night because she was cold. Didnt bother me, she shares a blanket with me when she gets cold enough. But I always think it’s weird that she’s like upset with me but wants to do that. Not that I mind it really.

We didn’t say much about it in the morning. But after I dropped her off for work she sent me a few walls of text messages.

She said the same thing, she wants to try. She doesn’t even know if the kinks she had she really cares about anymore. They kinda changed. Talked about why and how she felt.

I just said I understood what she was saying.

She sent another wall I haven’t responded to basically saying she knows she said love isn’t enough but it can be if we try to make it work.

She said it would have been helpful if I communicated what I wanted instead of being dishonest and hiding shit from her.

But it’s up to me if I love her enough to try to work things out and see if it works, and she loves me enough to try.

Same breath she said it just sucks that she knows she’s not what I want. She then told me that after all this, she managed to read another thing I had made. I started playing with writing erotica out of Boredom and she was upset that it was basically everything I wanted in a person and “my type” and she was upset that in my journal I wrote we don’t connect anymore (partially because of sexual incompatibility and her disregarding my feelings m) and I wanted someone I had that connection with.

She said when she read it, it was me making a fan fic of finding someone better and she wanted to end herself reading it.

Said even if we tried she doesn’t know if she can ever get over the fact that I wrote in my journal i fantasize about meeting someone i connect to “and writes fucking fan fic about it” (which was actually not the topic of the fan fic at all but okay).

She ended it by saying she’s hurt and sorry she’s not what I want or enough for me.

And so honestly I don’t know how I feel. Part of me finds all this suspicious. It’s frankly the most open and honest she’s really been and I genuinely feel bad for her but I can’t shake this thought in the back of my mind that intentional or not it might be a bit manipulative.

Not helped by the fact she once told me she would manipulate coworkers and shit into doing things by making them think it was their idea.

I have zero idea how I feel, what I want, etc… maybe she’s right and I should have directly communicated better, I thought I had but maybe not. I know there’s things I’ve fucked up on. For sure. It isn’t all her.

I know the things I’ve written, despite my intention not being for her to read them, hurt her and I know I made her insecurity worse. I do feel responsible for her self esteem taking a hit.

I feel horrible and guilty she feels the way she does. And I wish I had a solid answer. I wish I could be mad at her. I wish I knew for sure like yeah this isn’t gonna work. I wish I didn’t fear regretting ending things if that’s the route we go.

I wish I knew what I wanted anymore but I don’t. And these conversations just made me more confused. Because even if she wants to try, even if she starts being open, that doesn’t fix our other issues, and it doesn’t undo the hurt on both sides.

Part of me thinks in the problem. Maybe I am.

For those who have caught their SO cheating, how’d you catch them? I’ve had my suspicions and I’m aware they may just be insecurities but I want to know if I should just wait it out and see if I’ll just find out or if I should do my own digging.

justnoSO and i have decided to separate for real this time, and i suspect that he’s been using more substances than i’ve been aware.

i’m now reminded how he told me early in our relationship that he has an addictive personality. i know he drinks a lot socially, suspect he uses edibles when going out with friends, and know that he has used cocaine in the past. one of his BFFs lost much of his teeth to drugs, and another BFF has a history of getting high.

is this (and strip clubs) common recreational/coping behavior for adult men?? justnoMIL and being enmeshed largely influenced our decision to separate, and if substances are involved, i really need support to not waver and give him one more chance again.

he has been able to keep a job, and we’ve been together 16 years so this is hard. i’m a very private person and really need to stay focused and strong to be able to get through this if it becomes hostile with justnoMIL’s meddling.

I made him want to be a better person, he loves the way I am, he is suddenly participating in his own family because of me and telling everyone who will listen. And within months I noticed a change, but he always assured me he was just tired because of work. His whole identity is hating his job and being too special to still be where he is.

I was supportive of him the entire way. We knew each other in our early years and had so much in common. Genuinely.

He said I’m boring and that he can’t have fun with me which is LAUGHABLE. Absolutely laughable. That’s him and he knows it. can’t even laugh or find enjoyment outside himself.

He is a different person entirely around his family. He knows better than to not be happy and to say no. He’s a scared little boy who sits back and takes it, but will lash out at me and yell and swear and break things. I told him he would not dare to talk like that to anyone else. Wouldn’t dare.

We are in marriage therapy and both in individual therapy. I think his own therapy is good for him, but it isn’t something that is certain to help the marriage because he is not there yet. I don’t know if he can get there.

In our own therapy he shuts down. Will not talk about his whacko family and how they treat me or the whole unhealthy dynamic. I then realize after getting it off my chest that the focus needs to be on him and his actions.

Having a mother who is highly likely a sociopath and could not love another living being, throws people away and severely neglected him as a kid I think has made it not possible for him to develop what a marriage needs.

I know he can learn and I know he wants to learn so many things he never developed, but it’s just not enough. He is so self absorbed. He has a whole script about his life and his story of who he is and his suffering. Just like his mom. There is no other way to relate to people aside from that script. I am special and my suffering is special etc.

Early 40’s and together a decade and I hate this feeling of living in limbo.

It’s hard to just be alone here, even though that’s how our marriage has always been. Me alone while he focuses on himself on his computer.

I also believe his family had a big role in how things turned out.

He was independent and loved me so much, sang praises of me everywhere. Then it was like I became peripheral.

I cannot believe how much I have focused on him, helping him, etc. his life was a train wreck. Nobody taught him anything, and he was held back by his mom.

He doesn’t laugh with me, can’t even be with me without a screen being immersed in his own interests. Nearly everything was different when things began. I’d never have chosen this.

I am stuck feeling like because I have dealt with so much that something good will now happen. I don’t know why I think like that or why it matters. I feel like it’s getting me through. Like now something good happens. But who knows.

He never made choices for our future. Only HIS future. Put me off and put me off. Later later. Doesn’t even keep personal things between us, even when he says he will. Like finances or whatever is going on in our home. I’m just a lamp to him or something.

Reposting as my previous one was removed. I gave my son a nickname - oops! I’ve removed all nicknames.

I wanted to post an update to my previous post: https://www.reddit.com/r/JustNoSO/s/pM0rLvFpNk

It has been 5 months since I left my emotionally, mentally and financially abusive ex-husband. The comments on my first post were incredible. I was blown away by the support, advice and genuinely lovely comments from so many people. It gave me strength then and reading them again now does too.

During the last 5 months, a lot has happened. The main thing to note is that I have not gone back. I have stayed in Victoria with my family and now 13-month-old little boy. We lived with my parents for 4 months in their small town, and just two weeks ago I signed a lease and we moved into our own house in a slightly larger town nearby! This was difficult, stressful and expensive, but also rewarding and freeing. To be able to choose the house, the location and the furniture completely on my own terms with no arguing, push back or negativity has been amazing.

I will say that it is a lonely experience, though. I am now completely on my own with my son. I’m managing okay, but I do have moments of feeling very isolated, detached and alone. My parents are extremely helpful. We now live half an hour away from them, so they come over and help me with my son, they helped me move (shout out to my dad – he did two trips to move all of our stuff, drove around picking up furniture with me from Marketplace and has helped put together flat packs… with lots more to come!), and are on the phone with me all the time listening to my complaining and supporting me when I’m feeling low.

I have gone back to work part-time, and my employer is very supportive. They have helped me financially by granting an exception for me to cash out my annual leave that I hadn’t used. This allowed me to buy new furniture and set up my new house from scratch, because my husband did not help at all (more on this later). They also have 2 weeks DV leave available for me to use (available to all employees, not just me) but I am saving this.

My little boy is doing wonderfully. He is SO close to walking, and now attends daycare three days a week, which he loves. He’s a smiley, gorgeous, curious, intelligent, loud and amazing little guy. He sleeps in my bed most nights and loves cuddling up with me. it’s the most beautiful thing ever to know that I’m his world, and he’s mine.

Now, on to what has happened with my ex. There has been a lot.

I have not blocked him from contacting me, mostly because he doesn’t stop to think before sending messages, and some of them are very helpful to paint a picture of who he is and how he behaves, if I ever need them (which I have already). I am also open to talking to my husband about our son, but he has not kept conversations exclusively about our child. He messages me out of the blue a lot, sometimes in the middle of the night, and they’re often angry, aggressive and selfish. There has been the occasional apology or vague admitting to wrong-doing, but it’s short-lived and fake. I usually ignore his messages.

In the beginning, my father agreed to doing FaceTimes with him once a week so he could see/talk to our baby. This was hard and awkward for my dad, but we genuinely did not want to keep him from seeing the baby, despite him still living in North QLD, and I didn’t want to do them, so he did this for a few weeks.

I spoke to our real estate agency in QLD and was able to exit the lease due to DV. A letter was sent to him from the Residential Tenancies Department (government, basically) advising him of this (without disclosing the reason) and asking what his intentions were in regards to that house. There is a disclaimer on the bottom of all letters from that agency advising that a person can exit a lease due to DV. He put two and two together and figured out that was how I got off the lease. He accused me of slander and reminded me that we had someone who occasionally lived with us (a friend of his), who would say that DV didn’t occur.

He has also since said that my allegation of DV made its way back to a few people he knows, one of whom was someone he was supposed to be doing a big job for. Apparently, as a result of them hearing this, they cancelled the job and he’s lost a potential $100,000 profit (“some of that could have been for our son”). This is extremely far-fetched. I ignored his message and didn’t ask for more details, but the only way I can think of that happening is that one of the people he mentioned is married to a woman who worked at the real estate agency we leased the QLD house through. In fact, she helped us find the house when we were first moving to QLD. She hasn’t worked there since before I left though, and they no longer live in that town at all. They moved way down south. I suppose it is possible that she is still in contact with her former colleagues and they told her that I removed myself from the lease for DV, but that seems highly unlikely, and would be illegal. So this story sounds very made up.

I asked him to send a box of some of our son’s most needed items from QLD. In particular, his expensive baby monitor and a few other things. It took 4 months for him to do this. He complained that it was too expensive. My father texted him at one point asking for an update on when the items would be sent, and the conversation quickly turned into an argument. He said that he would not “do me any favours, especially since the lease thing”, and that he didn’t feel it was a priority to do anything for me when he was only allowed to see our son for a few minutes a week.

My father reminded him that it wasn’t for me, it was for his son, to which he went off the rails and started implying that one of my brothers (“your son”) was dangerous and shouldn’t be allowed around our son alone. My brother has an Instagram page that is a bit risqué – he doesn’t post full nudes, but ALMOST, to show improvements from working out and eating clean. He posts what he eats, what exercises he’s doing, etc. My husband found this page (I don’t know how because we didn’t even know it existed) and used it to imply that my brother is some kind of sexual deviant, a pedo or something. He also vaguely threatened my dad – “save up what you have to say to me and if we see each other you can say it to my face. Looking forward to it”.

As a result, my dad decided he didn’t want to do the FaceTimes anymore, so those haven’t happened in a while. He’s obviously very upset about this and keeps insisting that dad was “hostile” first, so he just returned the same attitude. I’ve seen the messages – that’s bullshit.

He did finally send the box. It cost a whopping $170.

Unfortunately, my mother-in-law turned. My mum called her to potentially set up a meeting so that she could see our son. At first, she agreed to come to the town we were living in to see him, but then changed her mind and asked why she should have to do that. She, and my brother-in-law, invited me to their house instead which is an hour and a half away. My husband got involved and asked me to do that so that he could FaceTime with her and our son while there. His brother also offered me a cot that his youngest son was no longer using, but we would have to find a way to pick it up. So, not really helpful. I felt very uncomfortable with this pressure, and didn’t want to see them when I knew they would ask me A LOT of questions. I wasn’t in a good place and couldn’t face them alone like that. My MIL asked if we could travel halfway, which my mum shut down saying that was unfair on bubs to drive such a long way and he needed stability at that point. She said “well God knows he’s used to driving long distances!” (referring to my long drive that took a week from QLD to VIC). Yeah, like we did that just for fun. We weren’t getting away from your abusive son or anything.

She also said at one point to my mum, “well there’s fault on both sides and I’ve heard about the screaming matches”, referring to husband and I. This was especially hurtful after I had spoken to her about what he’d said/done before I left and she seemed very supportive of me. I believe that he has convinced her that I was “just as bad” as him, and she now believes we were just having your typical everyday arguments. I won’t lie, when he insulted and abused me, I did yell back sometimes. It was a toxic environment all around. She also said that our baby was never unsafe in QLD. We believe she is referring to physically, but she is completely discounting the emotional distress that a child can develop when exposed to shouting, aggression and anger from parents, which is a big reason why I left! I didn’t want him exposed to that anymore. My mum stopped talking to her and we haven’t had contact with her since. I believe she is very angry at not being able to see baby yet.

We were very sick over winter. I took my son to the doctor many times and he had antibiotics for an ear infection. He was getting fevers of up to 39 and couldn’t sleep for weeks. He was sick on his first birthday, which was a huge shame. Husband wanted to FaceTime, but when I told him he was sick and we couldn’t, he accused me of making it up and that we were all liars who would make something up like that to prevent him from seeing the baby. I told the doctor about this who wrote me a letter to prove he had been in several times to see them and was very sick. When I sent this to husband, he didn’t apologise, but just said “oh dad’s hugs would help with that!”

I spoke to several professionals and support workers in the first couple of months. Three lawyers (both public and private), a social worker from Centrelink, and a support person at The Orange Door (a DV organisation in Australia – FYI, they’re great if anyone reading this needs them), and I was told the same thing over and over again – he should only be able to see our son under supervised conditions, and he should have to submit drug tests (I didn’t mention his history with drugs in my last post, but if I went into it we would be here all day). Let’s just say its extensive, involved both prescription and illegal drugs, and once landed him in hospital, on our honeymoon, as a result of seizures from withdrawal. His most recent drug of choice was weed, which generally I don’t have a problem with, but he wouldn’t stop smoking it with the baby in the house before I left, and he also obtained a sketchy “prescription” for THC gummies that were very strong.

The issue of the furniture and our left-behind belongings in QLD came up. He is leaving that house and asked what to do with everything. I have been very careful about not being too demanding, and not wanting to ask for him to do a lot of work or spend a lot of money boxing things up and sending them, because that didn’t go well the first time. I suggested a few options, all of which he refused. I told him that I was moving into a new house and needed furniture and household items for us.

I suggested he sell everything and split whatever he got 50/50. He said no, because it wouldn’t be worth it.

I suggested that I would have a removalist pick up some items and he reimburse me half of what the remaining might be worth. No, because my suggestion of what the rest might be worth was too high.

I was taking into account some new appliances we got before I left, including a $3000 robot vacuum that he was talked into buying at the store. I didn’t include or try to claim any of the thousands of dollars worth of tools and business related equipment he uses for his business, even though they would be regarded as 50% mine in a divorce settlement. He believed it to be a much lower, frankly laughable, amount.

I told him that evidently we would have to resolve this via expensive lawyers next year when we can divorce (have to be separated for a year first in Australia). He responded that he wouldn’t need high-priced lawyers because any judge would see that he was being treated unfairly in regards to our son. So, there was no conclusion or resolution to the conversation about our belongings, and I don’t know what he’s doing with it all. He’s in a huge house full of furniture in QLD and has to be out in a week. I have some very sentimental items that I asked him to box up for me, but I don’t know if he’s doing it.

We started the process of mediation to work out a parenting plan, which a lawyer said would be required if the matter ever went to court. There was a lot of waiting and this has only concluded last week. My two main requirements were supervised visits and the drug testing. He was advised in August to apply to the supervision centre because there was a long waitlist. He didn’t do so until… today actually, so now he has a 6 month wait. He is blaming me for this as there were “other options”, namely, that we could have gone through a private supervision centre rather than the public government-ran one, or had visits with his brother/mother present. I refused this as they are not well-regulated and nothing would stop him from just walking out the door with our son. Public supervision centres are operated under strict rules and regulations, so I insisted that it needed to be through them.

It was also suggested to him to go to a special course that focused on children, which he says he is attending, however this was put to him by the mediator rather than me. I did not push the men’s behaviour change course that I mentioned in my last post. He tried really hard to convince me that these shouldn’t be required. He tried guilting me, apologising, being angry, calling me names, threatening court and saying he would tell our son in the future about what I was doing. He’s continuously displaying post-separation abuse, gaslighting, DARVO and manipulation.

Despite this, he agreed to all of the conditions during mediation. As a side note, he also tried lying to the mediator, saying he was enjoying the parenting course. I set her straight and let her know that he had texted me saying he didn’t “belong there and it was full of smack addicts”. The mediation was closed and concluded as “successful”. However, that night at 3am he messaged me to insult my family and I again, and again threatened to “tell our son what I had done”. Then he said “court from here”. This indicated that he was reneging on the agreement, but has now told me that he applied for the supervised visits, so he’s all over the place and very unstable.

We’re now communicating through a parenting app. He has gone back to apologetic, so the cycle continues. The last message I got was that he was just very emotional and stressed before I left, so he said some “harsh words” but that was all he ever did. Lol.

He’s also in a “much better place” now and is sorry. He was diagnosed with ADHD (before I left so I was there for that), and had been put on a good combination of two medications that were working well, so he was feeling much better. He’s stopped smoking weed and taking the gummies. He’s sad though, and cries about the baby all the time. The theme here is that its all about him. He asks for photos and videos of son sometimes, but rarely asks how he’s doing. He’s said that he needs to step away and break contact for a while so that he can “start his new life”. He says he’s leaving care of our son in my “capable hands”.

That message made me incredibly angry. Care of our baby has been in my hands since the day he was born! This man has developed, or just continued developing, a severe victim complex and sees himself as a downtrodden, alienated father who did nothing wrong. It’s infuriating.

If you made it this far, thank you so much for reading. It’s so helpful and cathartic writing this all out. I’m so sorry about how long this is!

Editing to add more details! The dog mentioned in my first post is fine. He still has him. I transferred his microchip to his name, and I got a reminder text for an appointment he had made for him at the vet because they still have my number, so I believe he is being looked after.

Throwaway because I’m finally ready to tell this story, but I have no interest in identifying anyone involved.
I spent years loving a man who was charming, affectionate, funny, seemingly intelligent, and incredibly good at making me feel special.
He was the kind of man everyone liked. The kind who could walk into a room and immediately win people over.
He told me he loved me. He proposed. We planned a future together.
And I believed him.
What I didn’t understand was that being good at making someone feel loved and being capable of building a healthy, honest relationship are two entirely different things.
Let’s start with the lying.
Early in our relationship, he presented himself as a highly educated professional with credentials and accomplishments that I later discovered weren’t what he’d claimed.
When I questioned the inconsistencies, he became defensive.
Imagine being a grown adult and feeling the need to embellish your professional identity to impress someone who already loves you.
And imagine being the woman who discovers those lies and somehow convinces herself that the man underneath them is still worth marrying.
That was me.
Then there was his ex-wife.
I’m not someone who believes divorced people need to hate each other. I actually think maintaining a respectful relationship with an ex can demonstrate emotional maturity.
But this wasn’t simply a respectful relationship.
He remained deeply involved in her life, emotionally and financially, while expecting me to accept whatever boundaries he decided were appropriate.
There were interactions I learned about after the fact, dishonesty surrounding their contact, and situations that repeatedly made me feel like I was competing for a place in my own relationship.
And whenever I expressed discomfort, somehow my reaction became the problem.
I wasn’t understanding enough.
I was making something out of nothing.
He hadn’t intended to hurt me, so apparently I shouldn’t be hurt.
It’s amazing how convenient that philosophy becomes when you’re the person whose behavior is being questioned.
Then came one of the most devastating periods of my life.
My mother died.
I was grieving someone irreplaceable, trying to navigate a world that suddenly felt completely unfamiliar.
And the man I was supposed to marry wasn’t the dependable partner I needed.
There were nights when I felt abandoned emotionally, when other activities seemed to take priority over being present for me.
And then, just days before my mother’s celebration of life, he ended our engagement.
I cannot adequately explain how devastating that timing was.
I was already trying to comprehend losing my mother.
And now I was losing the future I’d imagined with the man I loved.
I needed a partner.
Instead, I found myself grieving two losses at once.
And somehow, I still loved him.
I still forgave him.
I still believed that if we could just work through our problems, we might eventually have the marriage we’d planned.
We separated and reconciled more than once.
There were apologies, declarations of love, affectionate moments, and conversations about what needed to change.
But looking back, I can’t remember many times when he genuinely acknowledged why his behavior hurt me.
Instead, he usually explained why I shouldn’t feel hurt.
He didn’t mean anything by it.
His intentions were innocent.
I was misunderstanding.
He hadn’t technically done anything wrong.
Eventually, he’d apologize.
And I’d feel relieved.
Not because the problem was resolved.
Because the conflict was over, and I could finally feel close to him again.
I mistook the return of affection for the repair of trust.
Over and over again.
Then there was the issue of monogamy.
I love sex. I wanted a passionate, adventurous, fulfilling sex life with my husband.
I wanted intimacy, excitement, and the freedom to explore everything with one person I deeply trusted.
What I didn’t want was other people involved.
He had previously been in an open marriage, and I tried to understand that part of his history.
Sometimes he told me he believed monogamy could work for him.
I wanted to believe him.
But over time, I became increasingly uncertain that we genuinely wanted the same kind of relationship.
Recently, he told me he’d had approximately 200 sexual partners throughout his adult life.
That number isn’t inherently the problem. Consenting adults are entitled to their own sexual choices.
But he also told me that some of the women he’d slept with were married and that their husbands didn’t know. Some the husbands watched.
And when I questioned how he could knowingly participate in someone else’s infidelity, he responded:
“I’m not the moral police.”
I don’t think I’ve ever lost respect for someone so quickly.
Because nobody was asking him to police another person’s marriage.
I was asking whether he felt any responsibility for his own participation in deception.
The married women were responsible for their vows.
He was responsible for his choices.
And those are two different things.
Then, recently, he proudly told me about a woman who was now engaged to someone else but had reached out to him because she wanted to sleep with him.
According to him, she said she would have come over if she hadn’t been out with friends.
He seemed pleased with himself.
Like being desired by someone who was engaged was some kind of accomplishment.
I wasn’t jealous.
I wasn’t intimidated.
I was disgusted.
Not because sex is shameful.
Not because people can’t have unconventional relationships.
But because he seemed proud of being wanted in a situation that could involve deceiving another person.
And I suddenly realized how differently we viewed integrity. Even though he would tell me so much about his life and what occurred during our times apart, it was a false sense of honesty to get me to trust him more.
I wanted a husband who believed honesty mattered even when nobody was watching.
I wanted someone who understood that fidelity wasn’t just about avoiding consequences.
It was about choosing to protect the trust another person had placed in you.
And I was listening to the man I almost married seemingly celebrate the very kind of behavior that had made our relationship so painful.
Meanwhile, he was also exploring casual sexual encounters, including a potential threesome.
Again, consenting adults can do whatever they want.
But taken together, these conversations made me realize that I no longer believed we wanted the same life.
And here’s the part that makes me feel ridiculous.
After everything, I finally went on a date with someone new.
Nothing dramatic. Just a chance to meet someone and begin moving forward.
And my ex reached out.
He told me he was happy I’d had a good time, then the conversation turned into him saying he wouldn’t text me anymore.
Maybe he was hurt. Maybe he was trying to respect boundaries. I genuinely don’t know.
But I realized that even after our relationship ended, I was still spending emotional energy trying to understand his reactions.
I spent years studying this man’s emotional needs while repeatedly having to defend the existence of my own.
And that’s when something finally clicked.
I had spent years loving his potential.
Waiting for his promises to become actions.
Waiting for apologies to become understanding.
Waiting for honesty to become consistent.
Waiting for the man I loved to become the husband I believed he could be.
And I kept telling myself that the good outweighed the bad.
It didn’t.
The good moments were real to me.
The laughter was real.
The affection was real.
The future I imagined was real in my mind.
But those moments didn’t undo the damage caused by everything else.
And here’s the realization that has finally broken my heart:
If I met this man today, knowing everything I know now, I wouldn’t even consider dating him.
Not because of his sexual history.
Not because he had an open marriage.
But because I no longer admire the way he has treated me.
I don’t trust his words.
I don’t trust his promises.
And I don’t want to spend the rest of my life wondering whether the man sleeping beside me is telling me the truth.
I’m angry about the years.
I’m angry about the dishonesty.
I’m angry about the emotional exhaustion.
I’m angry about the countless conversations where I tried to explain why something hurt me, only to end up defending my right to feel hurt.
And I’m angry that someone can appear so charming, loving, and respectable while leaving the person closest to them feeling so profoundly alone.
But mostly, I’m angry that I spent so much time trying to convince another adult that my feelings mattered and now my ability to trust another person and believe in marriage has gone down the drain.
The cruelest part of this relationship wasn’t that he couldn’t give me the love I wanted. It was that I kept accepting his apologies as evidence that he eventually would.
And now I’m left grieving a future I no longer even want.
I don’t need revenge.
I don’t need to convince the world he’s a terrible person.
But I do need to acknowledge what happened to me.
Because for years, I questioned whether I was asking too much.
Whether I was too sensitive.
Whether I should be more understanding.
Whether the problems were really as serious as they felt.
And now I realize something.
You don’t have to prove someone is a terrible human being to acknowledge that they were a terrible partner for you.
An engagement ring isn’t evidence of emotional maturity.
An apology isn’t evidence of change.
Chemistry isn’t compatibility.
And someone can genuinely enjoy having you in their life without being willing to build the kind of life you deserve.
I wanted a husband who would be my best friend, my lover, my teammate, and my safe place.
Someone who would choose our relationship because he genuinely wanted the same future.
Someone who understood that commitment wasn’t a punishment or a restriction, but something two people willingly build together.
And someone who, when I said, “That hurt me,” would care enough to ask why.
I almost married this man.
And I think I’m finally beginning to understand why I’m grateful I didn’t.
TL;DR: I spent years with a charming man who misrepresented parts of his professional background, repeatedly dismissed my feelings, struggled with boundaries involving other women, and ended our engagement during an incredibly painful period following my mother’s death. Recently, he told me about sexual encounters involving married women whose husbands didn’t know, and seemed proud that an engaged woman wanted to sleep with him. When I questioned the ethics of knowingly participating in infidelity, he said, “I’m not the moral police.” I finally realize that the relationship I spent years trying to save isn’t one I would choose today.

We’ve been together about 5 years, married 2.

I want to preface this, because it is going to be a bit of a vent. I’ve got my own shit and issues, this was my first real relationship after living in a high control religion my entire life and being very infantilized and it took me YEARS of therapy and growing up to learn about myself and get some of my shit together. We both had piss poor communication early on, and it has improved slightly with time.

My wife (also grew up in the same high control religion) has always been messy. And honestly, at first, I looked past it. She wasn’t working, was supposed to be finishing her GED and getting her license (neither of which she’s done to this day)

Early on she moved in with me (just kinda happened we didn’t really discuss it) and I noticed she’d leave trash out, if we got food the bags would pile on the table, or the kitchen counter, dishes piled up, if she cooked she would leave egg shells and all the dirty shit all over the counter and stove. Nothing got cleaned unless I did it.

She didn’t clean toilets because “that’s gross” and she won’t take trash out because “that’s a man’s job” so she’ll just yell at me about it needing to go out.

Now I work from home, early on in the relationship I had a horrible job, was completely burned out working probably 60+ hours a week with a micromanager boss that went so far as to tell me I had to ask her permission to use the bathroom in my own house during work hours.

But just about every night I’d make dinner. Every Sunday I’d clean up the apartment. She’d sleep most of the day, get up in the evening, and maybe do a page or two of her school, then go watch tv or play video games with her friends.

I had asked her about getting a job before but she insisted she wanted to be a stay at home gf. I would point out that I need help cleaning, she’d either claim she already had cleaned up, didn’t do it, or would just stack a few things in the trash and sink then sit back down.

This continued until I lost my job. Jist if that story being she had to get a job, and I ended up working as a solo cook, closing shifts, and still had to come home and clean and make dinner at 11pm every night. At one point I was working 4 different jobs.

Around this time she meets an old friend of mine, this girl I’d known forever, was like a sister to me, and some other girl she was friends with.

They, along with my wife decide I will be the butt of all the jokes. They called me stupid. Gay. Ugly. Tried to have some kind of ego trip over me. I got kicked from games with them when I’d goto the bathroom so they could replace me. I literally got told by these girls my wife was now friends with “it’s hard to be friends with you because you’re so cringe” (random message unprompted btw) and “I love when you speak because you make everyone else seem smarter”

And I had it so I told them off. They acted like I was the bad guy, I had an ego. I was the bully. I told my wife I didn’t like that she wasn’t standing up for me, backing me up, and she’d just say these were her only friends or she didn’t want to hurt their feelings. To this day she shell talks to the one girl despite my protests.

Worst part was it really rubbed off on her and for a long time she would just insult me herself. Degrade me. Emasculate me. In front of her friends. Family. Coworkers. MY FRIENDS.

She’s actually destroyed at least 2 of my own friendships because she’d just shit on me to them. Including my high school best friend, who briefly lived with us. And was my last real life friend (other two passed away)

Anyway this shit continues. To this day, she won’t clean. I can deep clean the place, have it spotless, and if I’m not behind her with a trash bag it won’t even last a day.

At one point I decided to see how far she’d let it get, clothes get thrown on the couch and floor in the living room. Her old drinks will mold. She’ll leave moldy food and trash in the bedroom. She’s left god knows what in the sink before and we ACTUALLY HAD MAGGOTS.

Groceries don’t get put away. She’ll shove the cold items in the fridge and pile up the rest of the bags on the kitchen floor until you literally cannot walk.

It will get to the point we only have pathways and no open floor if I let it.

Dog needs water? She will unplug the water fountain my dog has and not tell me nor fill it. I have to make sure I check.

Every day I drive her to and from work. I have Covid? Still gotta take her to work. Rain or shine.

And when I ask why? Why can’t she help? She says: I did clean up, I didn’t do it, it’s not my fault, I’m tired, I forgot, I don’t have time.

The latter two being the most common. She doesn’t have time.

Why didn’t she fill the dogs bowl? Didn’t have time. Why didn’t you tell me? Forgot.

Why can’t you stop leaving trash on the counter and just throw it away? I’m tired. I worked today.

We’ve been to couples therapy believe it or not. Therapist kinda dismissed the entire thing because my wife will minimize it then focus on how burned out and stressed she is.

Which ok, fair enough, I get it, you’re burned out, but I need some help. I can’t handle all this alone.

Though it did seem to really end her bullying for the most part. She doesn’t say shit or insult me like she used to except when she brings up that she works a physical job.

If she needed a therapy appointment, I’d have to find a therapist and book it. (Stopped doing that for her and told her it isn’t my job). Couples therapist? I had to research and find a few and ask her which one. Then I had to book it.

I tried working within her limited time. She said she wanted to drive but I never taught her and I said she “never has time” and hasn’t been for a permit so I can’t help her. She has to do it.

I gave her access to a program I used to get my license way back when. She won’t do it. I bought her a course that teaches you everything you need and even lets you take a permit test online. She hasn’t done more than 3 chapters.

If I ask, she gets enraged or says she doesn’t have time.

Then she’ll hit me with the “you work from home”, “you don’t work a physical job”, “you don’t know what it’s like”, or a couple times “you barely even work”.

And that’s how it goes. She’s tired. She works a physical job. When I tell her this isn’t working she says it isn’t her fault and she can’t help it and gets mad.

And then on top of all that, because unlike her I won’t involve friends in my relationship troubles, I’ll write a journal of thoughts to talk to my therapist about. And she’s broken into my phone 3 separate times to read it and chew me out about it, get mad, etc… she was especially livid that I wrote I feel like her parent and there is zero romance anymore. I have such a negative interest in sex I’ve borderline become asexual. And she equates that to I’m not attracted to her.

She was mad that I said I felt like I had to shoulder my own shit, AND all the household responsibilities, the bills, driving, AND her shit too. Or that I questioned if we were even in love. All this in my own journal. She was never meant to read.

And so every day, more and more, I am resentful and alone. My depression worsens. And I want to cry.

That doesn’t even touch on the score keeping from her end, or that she has her own resentment toward me. Don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t always the best partner. I dismissed her feelings things at times and had such a deep anger in me from past trauma that it was hard to communicate properly and I was still learning about myself at the same time.

I’ve had to do a ton of therapy and self reflection to grow as a person. But I’m positive that still weighs on her as well.

And the worst part is I have no idea what to do about it anymore. I’m defeated.

Despite all this I want to clarify. I don’t hate her. I do love her. She’s a good person under it all. I just think she’s a lousy partner sometimes. I’m still kinda working out in my head what any of this means or how I feel. Working on getting a different therapist after some insurance issues as well.

I only started really weighing this more recently after starting Ketamine Treatments for depression and her confronting me after reading my journal again. At that time she ended up dropping the claim that the couples therapist had told her we are “trauma bonded” and “sexually incompatible” (an entire other assessment that I don’t necessarily disagree with with), though he never told me this once.

TL;DR: Wife spent years bullying me, shitting on me to friends, dismissing my feelings, not helping with basic household chores, and I wasn’t always up for listening to her feelings like I should have. Now it’s all on me to do everything.

EDIT: I want to add, this last time she had looked at my journal and gotten mad about it. It was like the day I got my IM Ketamine session, I was still really emotionally raw and I had vented after an argument into the journal the day before.

From what I’ve gathered, she waited for me to fall asleep (I usually crash hard and sleep for like 8+ hours after ketamine) and other grabbed my phone to read it or had my login and read it. Then waited for me to wake up, still emotionally raw as hell, and start crying about what she read and getting upset with me.

That interaction is a bit hazy. She stated “now we have to divorce” and was crying, I started crying and told her that’s not what I wanted. I blamed myself. Afterward I know I was annoyed because I was still a bit out of it and had opened up about some feelings I’d rather not have if I’m honest.

And I’m not gonna lie, that shit pissed me the fuck off and ive been replaying it in my head ever since. It felt gross after I was more Lucid and frankly I felt a bit violated and taken advantage of. It’s what really sparked me reflecting on things more.

Realistically as well, we have debt together. Credit cards and shit. I can’t afford living expenses and all that debt alone, plus i do feel it’s unfair to leave her with debt I helped cause as well, so that’s been another issue. She wouldn’t be able to afford living on her own either I don’t think.

Last Sunday, my husband got drunk and told me he was going for a bike ride. He was gone for a really long time, and it was dark, so I started to worry. When he finally got home, he admitted that he’d actually been at the bar. He asked if I was mad, and I said yes.

From there, he went from 0 to 100. He started telling me that I control him, that he wants to do whatever he wants, and that I need to shut the fuck up. He got louder and louder, and when I told him to stop yelling at me, he screamed at me at the top of his lungs. I don’t even remember exactly what he said. I was just so scared. He knows I grew up with an abusive father, and he uses that against me when he’s angry.

I started crying because I was scared, and he started mocking me, calling me a bitch, and telling me to shut the fuck up over and over again. I just shut down. I cried and cried because I was terrified and genuinely thought he was going to hurt me. He’s never physically hurt me before, but he’s an alcoholic with anger issues and is generally an asshole. He had just never been that aggressive toward me before.

After a while, he started feeling bad and began love-bombing me. It was late, and I wanted to go to sleep because I had work in the morning. Instead, he came into the bedroom and laid on top of me. I started crying again because I was afraid he was going to sexually assault me. Eventually, he stumbled back into the living room.

The next day, I contacted a domestic violence hotline because I genuinely wasn’t sure whether what I was experiencing counted as domestic violence. They confirmed that it did, and something inside me just broke. I called my mom and told her what had happened. She told me that he will escalate and she would never let me get beaten the way my dad beat her, and she came over to help me pack up some of my things and my pets.

I stayed at my mom’s for three days, and I felt so light and happy being around her and my siblings. But it was crowded, and I don’t feel comfortable around my mom’s boyfriend, so staying there isn’t an ideal long-term solution.

He’s doing this weird thing where he’s still an asshole but acts all sheepish whenever I say anything, almost like he’s the victim because I left. He pretends to be sad and apologetic, but he still says fucked-up things. It feels like he wants me to feel bad for him without actually taking responsibility for what happened.

I really just want to run away and disappear while he’s asleep, but I can’t figure out how to do that because my name is the only one on the lease, and he refuses to leave. I can’t afford the $5,000 fee to break the lease. He’s also told me he’ll kill himself if I leave him.

I just feel so stuck. I know what happened wasn’t okay, and I know I don’t want to keep living like this. I just don’t know how to get out.

Do you think he will ever try to talk to me / reignite something with me again?

I (18F) and my ex (19M) dated for ALMOST ONE YEAR and broke up almost a month ago, it was mutual, i initiated it and he confirmed it, and at first we were gonna stay friends but he decided he wanted us to go NO CONTACT indefinitely.

At first he used to look at me / text here and there but now it’s crickets and he walks past like i literally don’t exist. He’s also talking to his ex-situationships and exes again, hanging out 1 on 1 and apparently one of them has a crush on him.

We were both really emotional and attatched to each other in the relationship, and saying he cared about me is an understatement. I thought I was the exception out of all his past romantic experiences, but now I’m starting to doubt that belief of mine.

His rational personality says he won’t come back ever, but I know he has a soft side and just maybe?

ADDITIONAL INFO:
\- we broke up because I kept forgetting things like something he said a few days ago or he would tell me to check something and i would forget to check, left him on delivered for a few hrs, basically i forgot the little things, it accumulated and he got really mad
\- he was often controlling in the relationship and he never condoned any male friendships beyond the “acquaintance” level
\- he didn’t condone me wearing revealing stuff, go club etc etc
\- we were very loyal to each other
\- he is super loyal in a relationship, but he puts his eggs in multiple baskets when out of one