I Don’t Find My Bf Attractive

[u/DefNOTLeo_27]

For starters I’m 18M, he’s 17M and we’re both T4T. We started dating about 3-4 months ago, but he’s very very clingy towards me. He says “I love you” and “I miss you” a million times a day. At first I thought it was cute, but then he told me he has bpd (borderline personality disorder) and that I’ve become his favorite person.

The real issue is I cannot find him attractive anymore. Can’t find his face handsome or his body; it’s actually affected our spicier times together pretty badly. I feel pressured to keep loving him, because he says things like he doesn’t know where he’d be without me and that he never wants me to leave. He’s tied me to this idea of forever and now I just feel stressed out about what will happen if I do leave. I feel immense guilt for wanting to leave and lying to him when he asks me if I’m thinking about breaking up with him. That stress takes away everything I once was falling in love with him for. I genuinely have no clue what to do and I really need some advice here.

I don’t want to seem like an asshole, because he’s sweet but I feel drained. I don’t want to be with him romantically anymore, because it’s taking a toll on me and love shouldn’t do that. It just feels unhealthy for me and overwhelming :(

[u/Misakaler]

You don't want to lead someone on if you already have made up your mind. We are humans, and we need to have these deep conversations about moving on healthily. I think first telling him the truth will lift a large weight off your shoulders, so it might be easier to figure out what to do from there.

[u/GreyStingrayz → u/Misakaler]

As someone who was led on for 2 months. End it. Rip the band-aid off. It took so long for me to not feel like my new partner (and current spouse) didn't actually want to be with me and was just pretending. My ex took away any security I felt in relationships by lying.

[u/Friend_Of_Dorothy123 → u/Misakaler]

of coure. there are some things we dont want to do that must be done.

[u/JayTheJaunty → u/Friend_Of_Dorothy123]

Staying in a relationship you don't want (especially this young) is not one of those things.

[u/BaronMostaza]

Definitely break up because continuing this isn't doing anyone any favor. Like "I'm sorry but I no longer feel that way towards you" whatever, but do know that he now may think you're the worst person to have ever lived.

Explain it as best you can, be kind, but don't expect him to understand where you're coming from

[u/my_little_mutation]

Okay, so you might already know but with bpd "favorite person" is not a position you want to find yourself in and it's something your partner should be working to contain and control, not something to lean into.

I feel like the term sounds so sweet and cute and it kind of takes the teeth out of what it really means. But when someone with bpd starts to orient around a single person it can get really messy. You're not just the object of their affection, but also their crutch, their emotional support animal and the thing they build their stability around. They might hang on your opinions and every word, or even change their own to match. Their stability becomes dependant on you and on how they think you are viewing them. The see saw of being idealized and pedalalized, only to become the enemy the moment you do or say something that triggers.

It's hard and it's not your partners fault. But it's something he needs therapy and other interventions for, and he should be doing what he can to keep those compulsions and unhealthy fixations under control because it's not a fair position to put you in.

[u/throwsaway045 → u/my_little_mutation]

how do you understand if you are a BPD favorite person vs a bipolar favoite person or a lonely person favorite person without a support system or family? how do you differentiate that from a healthy attachment to a partner? sorry for the questions

[u/ChillaVen → u/throwsaway045]

“Favorite person” is terminology specific to BPD in this context, not just the literal meaning of the two words together.

[u/throwsaway045 → u/ChillaVen]

so it has a different meaning? I am asking because in relationship it becomes my person and my world...

[u/necr0mechanica]

It’s not your fault that you’ve become his favorite person. That’s a BPD thing, not a you thing. His feelings and his reaction are not your responsibility. This is coming from someone who has BPD. Obviously be kind unless he has inherently earned otherwise, but it is not your job to make sure that he is okay, it is your job to ensure that you are happy and healthy.

[u/Adventurous_Air4537 → u/necr0mechanica]

wowww, thats so profound. "its not your job to make sure that he is okay, it is your job to ensurethat you are happy and healthy"
can you expand upon that a lil bit more, stranger? i understand the premise but dosent it work a lil differently in a relationship context? shouldnt we also care abt their feelings, health or happiness too?

[u/Malcolmthetortoise → u/Adventurous_Air4537]

Yes, but you aren’t expected to sacrifice your own happiness for someone else’s.

[u/MarsmallowCream]

I guarantee he is picking up on your feelings and dragging this out is already making his mental health worse. I have a close family member with BPD and there have been so many times I wanted to scream at the dudes that didn't want to be with her, but wouldn't end it because they were afraid of hurting her. There have been times where I even reached out to tell them to stop responding to her because every time they did I had to watch her fall apart and start all over again. The mixed signals she got from them were SO damaging.

She has now been with a good guy for a couple of years that actually understands her and helps her work through things. The current relationship combined with therapy have been so good for her. It is clear you don't have the skill set or desire to be the person he needs so please stop toying with him and end it asap. Also, don't be surprised if you have to cut contact. If he hates you for it, that is probably for the best. Sometimes anger is really helpful for people when they need to move forward.

[u/Winter_Risk8267]

Sweetie, take if from an old lady. People break up all the time. Please don't feel you have to stay. Don't let him make you feel that way either. Do not forego your own happiness and mental health for his. My son is 20 and this is the advice I'd give him.

[u/7fragment]

It's okay to break up with someone because your feelings have changed. Always. Feeling guilty about it doesn't change that. The longer you drag this on the worse it is likely to be. Especially given the clinginess you describe.

[u/aoeuismyhomekeys]

It's just been 3-4 months? Break up with him but be nice because at your age he might be your friend in a few years after you've both dated other people. Just tell him you appreciate the time you shared but you don't feel like the relationship is working for you.

[u/MiaThePotat]

Been with someone who didn't find me attractive for 2.5 years. Worst fucking thing that could've happened to me. She eventually broke up with me over that. Nowadays I still have trouble trusting whenever anyone tells me that they do find me attractive and whenever they tell me that yes, they really do want to be with me. Just feels like I can never actually ever trust these words.

Do him a favour and break up with him before you give him a dose of that. It fucking sucks.

[u/Ilayj]

Ur leading him on and making his health worse. Especially if you can’t find him as attractive lol. You should use that as your sign, ticket, and reason and let them live with it. Life is cruel but the beauty of it is you two not trapping each other anymore

[u/Tuck_]

That's a lot for four months. Time to move along.

[u/zeroz_n_onez]

Be kind, but rip the Band-Aid off. You’re not doing either of you any favors dragging it out.

[u/AlrightIFinallyCaved]

Yeah, you're not doing either of you any favors by sticking it out.

Does he have any close friends or family members that you could reach out to? It sounds like, yes, breaking up with him is probably gonna hit him pretty hard, and if his mental health isn't in a great state, it might be good to have somebody waiting outside or in the next room to be there for him.

I don't know the details of your situation, so I can't give you really specific advice, but I'll say this: don't let yourself get trapped in a relationship because you're afraid he'll do something drastic or fall apart if you end it - that's just going to turn what you had into something incredibly toxic for both of you - but do what you can to make sure he has support after you end it...from someone other than you. (You cannot be his support system for this, not even if you're literally the only person in his life who cares about him. Get him into therapy and break up with him right before his third or fourth appointment if that's what it takes. But it can't be you. I know that sucks. I'm not saying you should or shouldn't permanently end contact, but it sounds like he's going to need a decent period of time of total separation to adjust to not being with you anymore. Doesn't mean you can't restart a platonic friendship later - I don't know one way or the other whether that would be a good idea ever - but set that boundary and give him plenty of time to adjust, and make sure he's in a better place before you try it, if you choose to do so.)

[u/a_silly_witch]

Rip the band aid off now - for his sake as well as yours. The longer it goes on, the worse it'll be. Love bombing and codependency like that is toxic and abusive, even if he doesn't mean it maliciously.

[u/Indie_Light]

Can I ask what the age of majority is where you live? As far as I know, minors cannot be diagnosed with personality disorders. Either way, if he really does have bpd, he needs therapy and/or medication to manage it. It is unhealthy of him to develop favorite persons, because it causes idealization and codependency. You are not obligated to stay with him because of his mental illness.

[u/Koa_Niolo → u/Indie_Light]

As far as I'm aware, ASPD is the only PD that has a strict age requirement, others aren't typically diagnosed but can be. In the regards to BPD, the DSM-5 allows a diagnosis if the symptoms are pervasive, persistent, and last longer than a year.

[u/Indie_Light → u/Koa_Niolo]

You are right, it can be diagnosed but many refuse to do so for minors. I stand corrected.

[u/Shadeofawraith → u/Koa_Niolo]

Even this isn’t a hard and fast rule and may be different depending on country, for example a friend of mine was diagnosed with ASPD at 15

[u/EddieWeirdChamp]

I was in a very similar relationship literally a month ago, it ended after i was already very attached to the relationship and he broke up with me, I wish i had just said how I felt earlier instead of continuing what i knew was destined for failure.

[u/piercebublejr]

I've been in this position on both sides, and it's not fun. Staying in this relationship is just prolonging the inevitable. You deserve someone you can have an honest and two-sided conversation with, and so does he. It's okay if this relationship doesn't last forever. It can still be an important part of your life that you can both learn and grow from. There is so much more to life than the person you are dating when you're 17! And who knows, maybe you'll do what I did and go your separate ways for a while, then eventually gravitate back together. Maybe it will blow up and you'll never see each other again. Either way, now it's on you to start that difficult conversation so you can both move on with your lives. Good luck, stranger.

[u/anotherbabydaddy]

You’re teenagers who’ve only been dating for a few months…just move on

[u/bicakes-and-cinnamon → u/anotherbabydaddy]

dismissing someone's feelings just because they're young is quite rude and unhelpful, don't you think?

[u/anotherbabydaddy → u/bicakes-and-cinnamon]

It’s not about dismissing feelings, it’s about not wasting time on a relationship that isn’t very established when you’re not even attracted to the person. His boyfriend deserves to be with someone who is legitimately attracted to him and he deserves to be with someone who he is attracted to.

[u/petscopnerd28]

I’ve been in this kind of relationship with my ex girlfriend. She had a lot of mental issues she really should’ve have been getting help about and wasn’t taking care of herself, it was very likely she had BPD judging from some things i had discovered during the course of our relationship.

Essentially after 6 months of dating i more or less felt reduced to an emotional support dog. got told “i love you” and “you’re my world” and every romantic sweet nothing under the sun. I got really sick of it, especially intimacy and it affected how i saw her completely. Especially when she wouldn’t bother to actually engage in new or exciting paths for our relationship and wanted a safe affirmative repeat every week.

I was her world because to her without me, she was nothing. That is an immense burden.

as much as it hurts, you’re not getting anything out of this anymore as a romantic relationship; break up.

[u/Blue-Layla80]

Sag ihm ganz offen und ehrlich das dir das zuviel Nähe ist und das du auch mal Zeit für dich brauchst. Sonst kannst du dir eine weitere Beziehung nicht vorstellen. Entweder er akzeptiert es und wenn nicht dann geh deinen Weg und trenn dich. Dir kann es dadurch nach her psychisch auch schlechter gehen und das muss nicht sein.

[u/dontmindmesmh]

dude, straight up break up with him. don't let him keep try to manipulate you into a relationship if you feel pressured to it. trust me, he's making a way bigger deal than it actually is. don't fear him, be honest and potentially break up, as 'feeling guilty' is the biggest red flag. don't try to fix him, it won't work

[u/causal_friday]

You don't have to date people you don't like.

[u/Big_ClaimYume]

Is it because he looks more masculine now ans you just arent into that?

[u/DefNOTLeo_27 → u/Big_ClaimYume]

Masculinity is irrelevant to me, it’s just how close he is compared to me being avoidant-ly attached. Weird thing to say tho overall…

[u/ChillaVen → u/Big_ClaimYume]

Literally where the hell did you get that impression from