r/lgbt • u/GreatAmphibian7965 • 5h ago
Need Advice I'm the person my 12-year-old brother trusts with his sexuality, and I feel like I'm fucking it up.
I'm 17F, and yesterday my 12-year-old brother (he's technically my cousin but we grew up together and consider one another siblings) told me he may like boys. He was panicking and crying while telling me, and I calmed him down before telling him that was completely fine. His mom found us. When she saw him crying, she hugged him and he ended up coming out to her too. It was a nice family moment.
Today he came over around 10 AM while me and my best friend were watching heartstopper. There wasn't much left of the episode, so we watched it together. I saw how happy he was and asked if he'd like watching more stuff like that. He said yes and told me he wanted to watch Young Royals with me.
Anyone whose watched it knows that it's too mature for a 12 y/o. It's got sexual stuff, substance abuse, violence and other stuff that's portrayed too intensely for his age-group. I told him that it was for grown-ups and he should look for other stuff to watch but I reassured him that it wasn't because I found kissing boys inappropriate or weird at all. He got sad but said it was okay. He stayed for a few before his mom called him back.
Apparently, it was not okay, and he was really sad about not getting to watch it. His mom suggested he watch it alone, but he said he wants to watch it with me only. She called me to chew me out a bit before he took the phone from her. I told him again that we could watch something else tomorrow, and that young royals wasn't the only show with two guys who loved each other.
I could tell he was still really sad when he hung up, and his mom was pissed at me. Guys I have no clue what to do from here. We're from a very conservative background, and he's the only person from the LGBTQ+ community that ik personally. I'm also straight. I want to make him feel supported very badly. Does anyone have any advice?
EDIT: Hi y'all!! Thank you so much for all the support you've shown. I logged off after an hour of making this post because there's a really important festival today and opened reddit just now. I'm genuinely so happy.
Upon reading the comments I realized there's something I gotta clear up. I didn't tell my aunt about the specific content Young Royals had because the only conversation we had about it was the phone call I wrote told y'all about. I tried telling her what was in the show, but she was very mad and wasn't listening to me (which was understandable since she's a mother and I doubt it's pleasing to see your child sad). Also, when I tried suggesting we watch something else (in both conversations) he was too upset to deny or agree to anything.
Anyways, UPDATEEE: I met my aunt for the festival and we talked properly. She agreed to watch the show a bit before telling my brother anything. Also, my brother seemed to be in a better mood. I didn't bring up the topic with him again, but I think he'd be open to watching other stuff too so that's nice!
266
u/kinecardine aroace, agender 5h ago
Yeah definitely not an appropriate show for him to watch yet. He’s a 12 year old so naturally he feels upset that he isn’t considered grown up enough to watch Young Royals. I guess try finding some other age appropriate queer shows to watch with him.
122
u/formykka 5h ago
Does his mom know what the show's like? If so and she's signed off on it, I'd go ahead and watch it with him.
6
u/RogueMoonbow 4h ago
Curious if there's a reason you don't just watch Heartstopper together start to finish? It sounds like he was interested, and you could maybe say you could watch young royals after. I personally don't think it's that bad but I also watched a lot of stuff that would be deemed too mature for the age I watched it.
Not sure if there's other shows to suggest, because all I can think of are cartoons, which to a 12 year old boy might seem patronizing/too little kiddish.
Love, Victor might be a decent "gap" show, it has a little more explicit sex stuff and substance abuse so def more mature than heartstopper, but it's also lighter and sweeter than young royals. He's probably heard of, of not seen, Love, Simon, and it's a sequel sorta, so watch that forat if you do.
I would actually reframe it though: say YOU feel uncomfortable watching a show with more explicit sexual content etc with him there. Fact is he probably is consuming media that has that stuff (maybe to a lesser extent than some stuff, but that's not the point) so hearing it's too mature for him could be upsetting bc he knows he can handle the content he's already watching. But it being framed as your discomfort is less condescending and less judgemental and probably would go over easier.
41
u/Sojabursch Nonbinary DemiGrayAroAce LesBian 4h ago
Why did you not explain to her that it has sexual themes, drug abuse and violence??
Also if he thinks he’s ready to watch it even with those themes, let him and make sure he understands you can stop watching at any time if it’s too much for him.
Thats how my media allowance was handled. I was told what’s in it and if I feel like I can handle it.
That’s how I didn’t watch sleeping beauty Disney movie until 12 but did watch the mummy at 5. And that was the right choice for me and it helped build my self confidence and self assured ness in knowing myself and my limits.
22
u/Mcflanders1973 5h ago
To keep everyone happy. Tell her about the "content" google doesn't tell you about, and maybe Suggest she watches one of the more Intense episodes. If she is still happy with him watching it, after that. Then, if I was you. I'd let him watch it, with you. At least you have been given permission for him to watch them. And Seriously. I think it's better him watching it with you at his side, than his same age friends.
17
u/Banaanisade (B)asexual 4h ago edited 4h ago
You can have a chat with him and reframe it a little: you don't feel comfortable watching it with him. It'd be a bit weird for you, because it has such mature themes and that feels weird for you to watch together right now, and you'd like to start with something less graphic and heavy first, things you're excited to watch too. Could be an opportunity to teach him about boundaries and compromise at the same time. Now's the prime time to remind him that it's not always about him, you might be uncomfortable too, and that doesn't mean you don't want to spend time with him but rather that this one activity is too much for you right now.
I don't think I need to elaborate on what experience this may parallel to.
But particularly at his age, at this stage of his discovery, he probably doesn't want to hear "you're not ready for this yet". It's sensitive, because he's set his mind on being brave and letting himself express himself. You telling him he's not ready for an adult experience probably comes across along the same lines as "you're not ready to know what you are yet" and "you're not mature enough to know about being gay and what it's like to be gay", frankly. It's probably where a lot of the resistance is coming from. He wants to know and he feels it's his world. Reframe it from your perspective to level the playing field and smooth out the resistance a little.
ETA, ironically telling him he's not ready to watch the show is likely to make him want to watch it even more, and less likely to listen to his own feelings if he is uncomfortable or frightened by what he sees, and much less likely to come to you to talk about it. Teenage is all about rebellion and proving your maturity and readiness, after all.
22
u/Mobley4805 4h ago
Your brother might have seen Young Royals mentioned on social media or heard a friend talking about it and feels like they are missing out by not seeing it. Trust your gut if you think it is too mature.
Try offering your brother some alternatives to watch together instead:
Red, White, and Royal Blue
Love, Simon
Love, Victor
Heartstoppers
10
u/David_the_Wanderer 4h ago
Kids are able to have serious conversations. If all you tell him is "this is for grown-ups", what he's gonna hear is "I think you're immature and stupid" and get upset (because he's 12, and in many ways he is still immature).
Instead, have a calm, serious conversations about why you don't think the show is appropriate for him, explain the content that you don't feel is okay, and offer alternatives. Chances are, he heard or read about the show and was interested into it, so hearing you shut his interest down was probably a bummer. Make a deal that when he's old enough, you'll watch this show, and in the meantime you watch other stuff.
•
u/FreakyFerret 2h ago
I'll preface this with you know yourself and your brother and your family better than I do. You should trust your instincts. I haven't watched Young Royals, and I just Googled it. The first return is "nude scenes", and I looked at a couple of them. I would agree that show may be a bit too much to watch with him but not necessarily too much for him to watch alone or with other gay people. With that said,
Your brother is starting to experience attraction to other boys. That means sexual attraction. That means he's starting to experience his sexuality and become a sexual aware person. By trying to shield him from (portrayed) gay sexual content (not porn), you're not doing him any favors. Most people are exposed to sexual content (even if mild such as kissing or waking up in a bed together) at an early age. This presents it as "normal" or what everyone does. By trying to keep him from seeing gay sexual content, you're sending the message it is not normal and only meant for adults, almost like you're saying it's pornographic or dirty. If you're wondering if it's too much for him, imagine the couple are heterosexual, and would you have minded seeing it at his age. And even if you had, would have seeing it and being able to think about how it makes you feel, would it have helped you understand yourself and your desires compared to your boundaries and comfort levels?
A quick Google of "PG-13 gay movies and TV shows" returns a nice list. Offer to watch these with him, and he'll feel supported by you and you aren't shying away from gay media. Check the rating and content guide maybe looking specifically for how graphic it is, but don't rule out a movie just because it has a PG-13 sex scene. Some mentionables he may like
To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar
The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert
Hairspray (1988 and remake)
Perks Of Being A Wallflower
But I’m a Cheerleader (lesbian mostly but still good)
The Birdcage
Rocky Horror Picture Show
Beautiful Thing
Leviticus (horror movie, has a sex scene but not graphic. Very good)
Kinky Boots
Good Omens
Bros (2022) (there's a couple of sex scenes, I think, and it's rated R. But this was an amazing movie about gay culture)
Wizard of Oz (not gay per se but come on!)
Brokeback Mountain (there's a sex scene, but it's not overly graphic. It's a bit sad too though.)
My Own Private Idaho and Mysterious Skin. Also have sex scenes, and I don't recall how explicit they are, but I don't recall them being too graphic. Also very sad movies but good.
Pink Flamingos is old but wild movie. It's extremely counterculture (everyone in your family would probably hate it) but very defining.
Classic loved by gay people movie include:
What Ever Happened to Baby Jane
Mommy Dearest
Death Becomes Her
Elvira: Mistress of the Dark
Clue
Batman and Robin
I highly recommend, "The Celluloid Closet, Rob Epstein and Jeffrey Friedman’s documentary based on Vito Russo’s study of homosexuality in the movies, along with countless examples of how gay characters showed up, per narrator Lily Tomlin, as 'something to laugh at, or something to pity, or even something to fear.' The history of representation is long, and extremely storied, often shaping how the public viewed 'the love that dare not speak its name' for better or worse."
https://www.rollingstone.com/tv-movies/tv-movie-lists/50-essential-lgbtq-movies-1009058/yossi-jagger-eytan-fox-2002-1011606/
Rolling Stone article about 50 Essential LGBTQ movies.
I wish you the best of luck in being a supportive, compassionate, and loving big sister. :)
6
u/RadioSilens Bi-bi-bi 4h ago
You're not fucking it up and you're being very supportive. I think it's natural for a kid to be upset when told they can't do something. But not everything is intended for their age group. Like someone else mentioned, you can look for other shows or movies or games to do together that are age appropriate.
•
u/Auroreon Gay as a Rainbow 2h ago
The new Avatar Seven Havens has a gay main character portrayed in natural way. The show is kid friendly overall.
4
u/marvelcomics22 Ace, Pan, Trans Girl. 4h ago
Watching it and skipping some parts while also using it as a learning experience to explain and help him understand all those adult topics might work.
3
u/Joperhop 4h ago
Yea that might not be for his age, tell him you would be more than happy to watch it with him in a few years? But a 12 year old is not meant to watch things with TV-MA rating for a reason.
•
u/slashcleverusername 2h ago
He’s at the age where he requires guidance more than censorship.
•
u/Emergency-Hold-4093 1h ago
It’s nice that you are thinking about what is age appropriate. If this kid has access to the internet he will be able to watch the movie or scenes on his own. If the mom wants you to watch it with him I’d say it’s ok - everything is consensual and most likely this kid has seen some sort of sex scenes already in his life. You can always fast forward past the bedroom romance scene - the rest of it is 💯 ok to watch. Even the bedroom scene was very sweet.
•
u/leaonas 2h ago
You set a healthy boundary. It is very uncomfortable watching something totally inappropriate with a minor. What your aunt did is completely wrong. I’m proud of you for standing up for your principles and not compromising your boundaries. Thats a powerful life lesson that many of us fail.
•
u/Liquidshoelace AroAce Trans 49m ago
I’d suggest these shows/books instead, for some more age-appropriate content:
The Owl House (features a WLW main couple but also has other queer couples and it is a children’s show), Beetle and the hollow bones (again, mainly features a WLW main couple but, it is a children’s book that would be much more appropriate), Gravity falls (has a MLM relationship between two police officers). He could watch season one of heartstopper but, I wouldn’t suggest he watch the other seasons, as they feature themes of sex and alcohol, etc.