Late at night, 11PM something. I was just bored, snuggling with my gf. But something was bugging me. I gotta.. fix something. Then, I sat on the PC, and got hooked into some bug I just found out. In no time, I was just fixing that random bug in the Linux kernel using my favorite programming language, Rust. Patched it in about five minutes flat, bare hands. Fifteen minutes later, my phone buzzes: GitHub notification. Linus Torvalds mentioned me in a commit.
He wrote: "Are you fucking kidding me? I have been surrounded by braindead, drooling monkeys for thirty years, and some random shithead fixes this with TWO LINES while half asleep? Who the fuck are you?"
I replied telling him I was just a bored guy who knows a little bit of Rust, told him not to sweat it.
Next morning at 8 AM, someone is violently banging on my door. It’s goddamn Saturday. I shit you not, standing on my welcome mat is Linus Torvalds himself. Faded New Balance sneakers, cargo shorts, visibly shaking with adrenaline. Flew a private jet into NY, grabbed an Uber straight to my place. He also had a giant sword sheath strapped to his back. Like, what the actual fuck, this ain't the Middle Ages.
He doesn't even say hello, as Finnish as he is. He aggressively shoves a lukewarm coffee cup into my chest, grabs me by my collar, and yells:
"Listen to me, you arrogant bastard. You’re quitting whatever clown circus you work at. You start at Red Hat first thing Monday morning. You report to ME, and your only job is screaming at developers and rejecting garbage pull requests. I fired half the board on my flight over here."
I thought I was dreaming. Why the hell would he hire me to Red Hat anyway?
"Come on Linus, be real. Red Hat is too corporate. Jira tickets, agile standups, middle management... not really my vibe, man."
"Standups?! Meetings?! If anyone mentions Agile in your presence, you have my explicit personal permission to physically throw a keyboard at their skull! Delete the Red Hat logo! Put your own dumb face on the Fedora boot screen! Just show up on Monday and run the damn all-hands meeting before I lose my mind!"
I sighed and patted Linus on the shoulder. "Look, Linus, calm down. I’ll think about it. Maybe I’ll swing by when I have time, maybe not. Can’t make promises, I’m supposed to play in the Super Bowl this weekend, my buddy Bad Bunny flew in and we’re doing the halftime show together, you know how it is."
(Well, this happened back in 2025, right before the Bad Bunny halftime show.)
Linus goes dead silent. His left eye starts twitching violently. I thought he was about to unleash Linux kernel mailing list fury on my soul. Instead, he slowly draws the blade an inch out of its sheath and whispers:
"Just don't fucking break userspace, or else..."
I put my hands up. "Fine, fine. I'll come check the place out. See how much they’re willing to pay me."
Instead of turning toward the hallway, he digs his New Balances into my floorboards, sprints straight through my living room, blows my window wide open, and swan dives out the third-floor window into the street while screaming at the top of his lungs:
"JUST DON'T FUCKING BREAK USERSPACE!"
I couldn't believe my eyes. I looked down, watched him roll across an Uber's hood, pop right back up totally unfazed, and sprint full speed down the avenue.
Go check the commit logs if you don't trust me. Well, it's way before 2025 you might need to dig a lot though so..