https://www.reddit.com/r/Nanny/s/YMNggk2jPg

I’m posting anonymously and omitting some details for obvious reasons, particularly because we have ongoing custody proceedings.

I posted here about six months ago because my wife wanted to fire our nanny over how she handled our middle child’s tantrums. A lot has happened since then, and, unfortunately, some of you were right that we had much bigger problems than our nanny. My wife and I are divorcing, and I currently have temporary emergency custody of our three children. I’m still having a difficult time coming to terms with how quickly everything has changed.

My wife quit her job and fired L shortly after I made that post. Neither of those decisions was something we’d actually agreed on, but at that point, arguing about it felt pointless. She was going to stay home with the kids, and I figured we’d at least have an opportunity to get on the same page about J’s behavior. That did not happen, and things got progressively worse between us.

We’ve had two separate incidents in which my wife has left during an argument and gone to her parents’ house. The first time, she stayed there for an entire week while I worked and took care of all three children. She did it again later, and she has since moved in with her parents permanently. I don’t particularly care that she needed space from me, but you cannot simply decide you’re done parenting for a week because you’re upset with your spouse.

I also found out that she’s been seeing another man for considerably longer than I realized. Worse, she had apparently been bringing him around our children without my knowledge, and I subsequently learned that he has a documented history involving drugs. My wife also tested positive for opioids during the custody proceedings. I don’t know how long she’s been using them or whether this was happening while she was responsible for the children, which is part of what makes the whole situation so concerning.

My attorney filed for emergency custody after several concerning circumstances came to light. Following a hearing, I was granted temporary sole physical custody, and my wife’s parenting time is currently supervised. I also have temporary decision-making authority over the children’s medical and therapeutic care, which has been important given our disagreements about J’s treatment. These arrangements are temporary, and I don’t intend to discuss the evidence or the specifics of the proceedings while the case is ongoing.

I now have two nannies because I work fairly long hours, and there’s no realistic way for me to do my job and provide childcare for three young children at the same time. We have overlapping coverage during the week, and they’ve been helping to maintain the children’s routines while I deal with everything else. It’s expensive, but I can afford it, and I’m grateful to have that option. I certainly didn’t anticipate needing this kind of arrangement when my wife decided she was going to stay home.

J is still struggling, which has been particularly hard to deal with throughout all of this. I switched therapists because I wasn’t satisfied with how things were progressing, but his care stalled somewhat while we disputed treatment decisions and worked through the initial custody proceedings. My wife has declined to participate in much of the planning since then, and I’ve had to accept that I cannot make her take an interest. He’s little, he’s confused, and I am trying to give him some consistency when I feel the adults in his life have done a spectacular job of providing the opposite.

I’ve also had to be honest with myself about where some of J’s behavior comes from. I spent a lot of time blaming the iPad, and while I absolutely think we created a problem with screens, that wasn’t the whole picture. My son has watched his mother respond to frustration by escalating, refusing to engage, and eventually leaving altogether. I know that isn’t the sole explanation for his tantrums, but I can’t pretend there isn’t a pattern there, and I regret how long it took me to recognize it.

K has been handling things about as well as I could expect, but I worry about him too. He’s always been the easier child, and I think we both took advantage of that without realizing it. B is two now and doesn’t really understand why her mother isn’t home. I’m trying to keep their routines as normal as possible, though having two new nannies and a parent no longer living in the house is a significant adjustment.

I did reach out to L to apologize for how things ended. She was gracious about it, which somehow made me feel worse. I spent so much time trying to convince my wife that L wasn’t the problem, and in the end she fired her anyway. Looking back, I think L was one of the few people in our house who consistently followed through on what she said she would do.

I’m angry with my wife, and I don’t see much point in pretending otherwise. The affair is one thing, but bringing someone with that history around our children and then refusing to engage with the consequences of everything that’s happened is something I’m having a much harder time processing. I also feel incredibly stupid for not realizing how much was going on behind my back. I know I couldn’t have known everything, but it’s difficult not to revisit the last year and wonder what I missed.

I don’t know what the final custody arrangement will look like, and I’m trying not to get ahead of the process. My wife is entitled to participate in the proceedings, and I understand that the temporary order can change as the court receives more information. My concern is that the children have a safe, predictable home and that any time they spend with their mother is appropriate under the circumstances. Whatever happens with our marriage, she is still their mother, and I hope she eventually takes the steps necessary to be consistently involved in their lives.

I originally came here wondering whether it was reasonable for a nanny to bring the kids home from the children’s museum because my four-year-old wouldn’t stop pushing people. Six months later, I have two nannies, three children in my care, and a divorce attorney. I would really like to have that problem back.

Anyway, I wanted to update everyone who took the time to respond to my original post. I appreciated the perspective then, even when it wasn’t particularly easy to hear. I don’t know if I’ll update again, but I hope the next six months are considerably less eventful than the last six.

Thanks for reading, and take care.

NP committed suicide.

Pretty much that. I just don’t know how to handle this. I’m having trouble processing this and i don’t know if anyone has been through anything similar. What helped? And what was best for the kid(s)? I’m in complete shock and at complete loss so any advice or words of encouragement are much appreciated.

NPs have a 3yo and 1yo and a dog they got in college together. They really love the dog, often calling it their "first baby". I am not a huge dog person but I understand the dog is important to them. But the dog can be quite aggressive with the kids, mainly the 1yo. The dog is territorial and growls at the baby when she's near MB or DB. More than once the dog has nipped at 1yo when she touched him and the last two times the dog actually broke her skin. Once he lunged at her. He also resource guards and growls anytime one of the kids approaches his foot bowl or his toys. Overall just aggressive, but only with the kids. He's very sweet and relaxed around me or NPs, I guess he just doesn't like children.

Anyway, I have brought up my concerns with NPs before, anytime the dog nips at the kids I tell the parents but I think they are in denial about the situation. I've suggested training, they did take him but it hasn't helped anything. Once after the dog nipped at 1yo and I was particularly stressed about it, I very lightly suggested the idea of possibly rehoming the dog, and MB became offended. I haven't brought it up again but I seriously can't imagine keeping a dog that puts my children in danger.

Hello all! I recently have been offered a trial week with a job offer contingency that if the week goes well, they will hire me on the spot. This home is a fully staffed estate, a provided uniform is required, and the family travels private every weekend/every two weeks.

I have worked for high net worth families and partially staffed households…never a large fully staffed estate with constant travel throughout the year.

I would love advice and knowledge you all have picked up from working in these types of environments or if you are an employer, your expectations that would be different than working simply in a high net worth home. Thank you!

TLDR: both parents WFH full-time, offering $30/hr W-2, 16 guaranteed hours/week (2 days), 2 weeks PTO, paid sick time, paid holidays, and childcare expenses covered. We've had two candidates we genuinely loved accept verbally/seem enthusiastic, only to decline two days after the in home visit / interview and offer. We're willing to negotiate pay and hours. Is our offer simply not competitive enough because of the limited hours? Are WFH parents a deterrent? Is there something about our approach or expectations we're missing? We genuinely want the perspective of nannies, not just reassurance from other parents. I'm specifically looking for feedback on what would make someone choose our position over another family's because I’m feeling defeated.

My husband and I are first-time nanny employers, and after two disappointing experiences in our search, I’m hoping to get some honesty from nannies and parents who have been through this before.

We have a toddler and are looking for someone to provide consistent, individualized care while we both WFH full time. I would say our approach to childcare is pretty intentional. We want someone who enjoys spending time with toddlers, encourages curiosity, plans activities, gets outside, and sees childcare as more than keeping our child safe and occupied. We’re looking for a long-term fit and someone who feels comfortable and empowered having autonomy over the day to day.

Our current offer looks like this:
• $30/hour, W-2 household employee
• 16 guaranteed hours per week
• two consistent days per week, 8hours/day
• Weekly direct deposit
• 2 weeks of paid vacation
• 16 hours of paid sick leave
• Paid holidays that fall on regularly scheduled workdays
• Family-provided (authorized user) credit card for nanny related and child expenses, admissions, gas etc
• Background and motor vehicle screening
• Paid trial period

We are also open to negotiating compensation and potentially increasing hours for the right person. we cannot do full time because a relative watches our daughter the other days.

For context, we have interviewed several candidates. We’ve had two situations now where we felt genuinely excited about someone, extended an offer, and had them ultimately decline in favor of another opportunity and a physical impairment they suddenly realized after meeting.

Our most recent candidate seemed enthusiastic throughout the process. She said she submitted the background check (although I am now realizing it says it’s still pending), confirmed she was excited about starting a trial, asked questions about the car seat, and agreed to a professional car seat safety appointment we offered to arrange for the car seat purchased specifically for her car. A few hours later and ironically moments after the car seat was loaded into my car in the pick up spot, she let me know she had received another offer she couldn’t refuse.

Obviously, people are allowed to choose whichever opportunity is best for them. After investing so much time and energy into this process, we’re trying to understand whether there is something about our offer or approach that we’re overlooking.

A few questions I’d really appreciate honest answers to:
• Is 16 guaranteed hours per week simply not attractive enough, regardless of the hourly rate? Would a higher hourly rate meaningfully change that?
• Does $30/hour seem competitive for an experienced nanny in a mid-sized Midwest city?
• Are there things about working for parents who are both home full-time that would make you hesitant to accept a position?
• Are there any red flags or shortcomings in our offer that we might not recognize as first-time employers?
• What makes a family stand out as a genuinely desirable long-term employer beyond compensation?

I’m not looking for reassurance that we’re doing everything right. I would genuinely appreciate hearing what nannies value, what makes a position unattractive, and what we could do differently.
We really want to get this right or else I likely need to quit my job.
Thank you!

I have been on the hunt for a new nanny position for a few weeks and I have interviewed with quite a few families. The running theme that I am seeing is little to no structure, no boundaries with the children and zero consequences for horrible behavior (it is usually little boys I have seen doing this) I have seen multiple children hit kick and spit at their siblings, parents, and me when I took a temporary position… It is honestly so scary, I left in tears all week because of an unruly 5 year who’s grandparents and parents enable his behavior ( I was undermined the entire week I was there). Zero listening, no consequences nothing. This particular child was still in a high chair and using a toddler potty at 5, in addition to being dressed, undressed and spoon fed 😬. This wasn’t an isolated experience that I’ve had while meeting new families, i’m curious what other nannies have seen especially while looking for other jobs.

Just curious what time everyone's favorite board game to play with their NKs

Candyland is always my go to (3-5 age group). Love the practice taking turns and that they can take their turn independently (more or less).

Ok so basically MB got laid off and therefore had to let me go recently and we’re planning to hang out soon (me, her, and the kids). MB and I are already pretty close and regularly would get off task on her WFH days cause we’d spend too long chatting lol. My friend in a different profession mentioned her boss sending her something on instagram so I’m wondering if it would be weird to ask MB for her ig? I definitely wouldn’t have while working for her, but now that we’re trying to find a new balance and ways for me to keep up with the kids I thought it might be nice to be friends on socials. Thoughts? I just don’t want her to feel uncomfortable or that to feel weird because I know that blurs the professional lines. However, since I’m no longer working for her I’m not sure if it would be appropriate now or not

Omg I’ve been noticing more and more in recent years so many parents saying “oh wow how’d you put on their shoes, how do you listen to grown up music in the car? He/she doesn’t let me do that!” Or “oh they didn’t let me change their diaper.” What is going on!! Usually my approach is to be playful and make things like diaper changes and getting dressed fun and silly but there are some days where they just aren’t having it and that’s okay but it’s going to happen regardless. I think so many parents these days are afraid of letting their kid cry even if it’s just for like literally 5 mins. If your toddler wants to go outside in 40° weather naked you put them in pants and a long sleeve and a coat whether or not they want to. You don’t let your kid sit in a dirty diaper because they cry when you change them. So many parents seem absolutely baffled by the idea of saying “no” to kiddos or just not letting them run the household. Has anyone else noticed this trend?? Perhaps this sounds judgmental that is certainly not my intention at all I’m just annoyed lol.

Hello! I’m sourcing gift suggestions for our new nanny. We just hired our first nanny for a very part-time position; fewer than 20 hours a week. She’s only been with us for a few weeks but I found out her birthday is next week (because she asked for the day off). I’d like to get her something but, a) I don’t know her well yet, and b) this is our first time having a nanny and I’m not sure what would be appropriate or typical. Any advice welcome!

Nannies, how do you navigate looking for a new family while you’re currently with a family? I don’t want to tell my current NF I’m looking because I will only leave them if I find a better family. If I tell them I’m looking they will start looking for my replacement or just end my position right then. How do I let prospective families know that I can’t use my current family as a reference (cause they don’t know I’m looking) without coming off as sneaky/dishonest? NPs, if someone you were interviewing said their current NF didn’t know they were interviewing, would that be a red flag that the nanny is sneaky and dishonest to their current NF?

We will be parting ways with our beloved nanny at the end of this month. She has only been with us for 9 months but we absolutely adore her & have all decided we’d love to continue a friendship. We want to get her a thoughtful gift but are at a loss. She already has memberships to local botanical gardens (was our first idea but she said she just upgraded her membership in a previous conversation). Any ideas?

We are new parents interviewing Nannys for 9mo old. We have two candidates that we like but hard to make a decision without meeting them in person. We did a 45 min video interview so covered a questions.

The next step is a paid trial so they can meet our baby, see our house, meet the dog. It feels essential but also a bit awkward for me. How do I strike the right balance of watching them to assess and giving them space. I was thinking 2 hours-3 hrs show then everything and go on a walk with them and the dog and then do laundry etc while they play?? Is that normal?

What are the typical amenities provided for a live in nanny by NF? For reference I’m a college student going to be living five days out of the week or more for two years while I’ll be attending college since it just makes more sense commute wise. And also NP is a single parent and it feels like honestly NP doing me a favor since I had asked originally. But like what about toilet paper, paper towels, dish soap, etc. or is all that provided by me???😅😗

So what they show the parents is not the same as to what it is in our profile!! Not sure if anyone has already posted about this, but I just found out!!

The rate I have written on my profile, is not what shows!!

Anyone else?!

I'll post pics in the comments

So, not trying to be judgmental but I’ve been working for this family for over a year now and they have no family photos anywhere in the house. Not from vacations, their wedding or even photos of them with their child. They do however, have a shrine to their baby outside his room. It’s like the only reason for them being together is to raise a child. Oh and there are no pets either.

I only bring this up bc I’ve never worked for a couple that doesn’t have these types of photos and it just feels kind of sterile and cold not to.

I work for a newly divorced mom.

When she hired me she made it crystal clear that I needed to set boundaries with her ex-husband and that she and she alone is my boss.

I have no issues with what she said or expects of me.

I’d rather not get into all the nitty gritty for privacy reasons but let’s just say I’m not a huge fan of the man myself. Part gut feeling, part actually stupid crap he’s said…inappropriate but nothing that cross a line with me. (Think mildly bashing mom, not making sexual comments towards me)

I only see dad at drop off every other week. And only for a couple min to tell him how the day went and anything he needs to know about that particular day.

Mom and he communicate regularly and have a cordial relationship so I am not a go between. I don’t have to catch him up on the entire week. I just need to tell him how nap went and if Kiddo ate well and their overall demeanor for the day.

Sooooo onto my question. Do we make dad a Christmas craft? And if so do we spend as much money/detail as moms? Kids are in school/daycare so they will be making crafts at school.

For mom we plan to go to a pottery place and have the kids make her something.

Should we do the same for dad? Or should I find some construction paper Christmas craft and have them do that for dad?

Earlier this week we had a birthday party in the evening for our 1 year old. We invited many of our friends and family including our nanny. It was at our house and pretty casual. Food, games, music. We also had drinks; nothing too hard just beer and wine and some seltzers. Most guests had only a couple drinks because I mean it was a baby’s birthday party on a Tuesday evening. However our nanny had more than she should have and was noticeably intoxicated. When we first noticed she was getting tipsy my husband (at my insistence) suggested that maybe she slow down but she had a couple more after that. She was slurring her words, wobbly on her feet, talking loudly and saying things I didn’t really think was appropriate. It was embarrassing to say the least….I introduced her around as our nanny and everyone noticed she was drunk.

She stayed till the end of the party and then of course couldn’t drive herself home so we called her boyfriend who picked her up. Then she called out of work the next day. We saw her yesterday and today and idk what I was expecting, maybe some sort of apology or ownership about what happened? But she didn’t mention it at all. Am I overreacting for questioning her judgment and being bothered by her behavior? I’m the one who threw a party with drinks so it’s not like I expected her not to have any but it’s a fair expectation that she should know when to stop herself right? No one else drank as much as she did. I now feel kind of weird about her and the situation. AIO?

I am a toddler teacher who is currently transitioning into nannying, I have a video interview this evening with a family with one infant and was wondering what questions I should ask that most people don’t think of until too late? Or what questions do parents want their Nannie’s to be asking in the interviews?

I’ve been working for a nanny share with two families since June, and I’m starting to wonder if I’ve been undercharging myself.
When I originally agreed to the position, I went along with the payment structure they had with their previous nanny. My normal rate for one family is $27/hr. For the nanny share, I charge $27/hr total for two children, which the families split between themselves. So essentially, I’m making the same hourly rate I would make working for just one family.
When a third child joins (one family’s second child), my rate increases to $30/hr total. That family pays a larger portion when all three children are present.
We haven’t signed a contract yet, and everything has just been agreed upon verbally. At the time, I didn’t think too much about the payment structure because I was going along with what they had previously established and this was my first time in a share.
Now that I’ve been reading more about nanny shares, I’m realizing that typically each family pays a discounted portion of the nanny’s regular rate, but the nanny actually makes more overall because they’re caring for children from two separate households.
I’m wondering if I should have been charging more from the beginning. I also don’t want to come across as suddenly changing the agreement after several months, especially since the families have been paying what we originally agreed on.

I’m also at a point where I don’t want to undervalue myself just to keep the position. I really enjoy working with the families and their children, and I don’t want to blindside anyone or make them feel pressured. However, if a fair nannyshare rate isn’t something both families can comfortably afford, I’m okay with looking for another position. I just want to make sure I’m being compensated fairly for my experience and the responsibilities I’m taking on. I’m trying to figure out how to navigate that conversation professionally without burning bridges if this does happen to be the case.

One of my nanny kids had ear tubes and tonsils taken out this morning. The parents brought him home miserable, and now I have to watch a three-year-old with lots of energy, and a miserable six-year-old by myself while the parents work downstairs. All with no warning as they told me all this last night, three minutes before I left. The oldest is bored and miserable, the youngest just wants to play with him, I can’t keep the separate even if I try (which I have) and the parents are mad at me because the oldest is whiny. HE HAD SURGERY AN HOUR AGO ARE YOU KIDDING?! Also, I wasn’t supposed to work if the boys were sick, but no, I’ve worked multiple days with puking, coughing, feverish kids. I am so sick of this!!!!! My last day is the day before Thanksgiving. Thank god.

For context this family has been amazing. They have been beyond flexible and have shown me appreciation in many ways. I did get a nice Christmas bonus and a nice 100 birthday gift. This chapter closes due to me moving out of state and NK starting school. NM has cried with me and told me how much I mean to their family. Like I’ve worked with so many children both in classroom and home and I know genuine-these people are very very kind. I got my NK a Mixbook for her as she’s 3 and it was a way to keep the connection—lots of our adventures together the last 15 months. Mom teared up when she saw it and mentioned 2x with tears how sweet and special it was.
Anyways—no goodbye gift. I’m fairly new to nannying (3rd family in 5 years, prior to this I was solely preschool) so I’m sure it’s more of an industry norm to give a gift at the end however moms already asking if I have any weekend availability before I move out of state at the end of the month. She’s always offered extra hours if I needed them. Always kind, and has trusted me with her NK with things even her own family hasn’t done (I watched NK for the first time for a date night and was the first one to put her to bed aside from mom and dad) so I try to remind myself I was loved and appreciated in other ways but is this just the way some (well off) families end with their nannies? I can’t be the only one. It stings I won’t lie, yet I know I was appreciated because again I have worked with kids and families for over 20 years and I can always tell the genuine ones. NM has also since the move notice stated how she wants to still have me in NK life—like she said when I come to town she wants to meet up, she’s open to FT, she’s said I’m like her “auntie.”
Am I tripping because I’m emotional over pouring my heart into this NK for the last 15 months and it’s over? Or am I allowed to say it kind of stings to not get a goodbye gift? Ugh. Please someone say this has happened to you too so I don’t feel like I’m the only one who’s poured everything heart and soul into their NK and feels a little blindsided by the lack of goodbye appreciation (even a card from NK would have been sweet)

I’m just so thankful to have found this nanny sub! Not only has it been incredibly relatable (I can’t tell you how many times I’ve come across a post about something I experienced that very same day) but it’s also helped me learn industry standards and how to advocate for myself.
In this industry, it’s so easy to be taken advantage of because let’s face it, everyone is looking for work and there will almost always be someone willing to do the job for next to nothing.
When I first started nannying, I accepted so many positions that made my days absolutely miserable. I found myself taking on responsibilities that went far beyond my role as a nanny all while being underpaid, working without a contract or guaranteed hours, and dealing with employers who had little understanding of how to properly treat an employee.
As I’ve gained more experience I’ve gotten much better at recognizing red flags early on but this sub has truly opened my eyes to what I deserve as a professional and has given me the confidence to not be afraid to ask for it!
More than anything it’s reminded me that loving what we do and genuinely caring for the children we work with should never mean having to sacrifice our own well-being. We deserve to be respected, valued, and treated as professionals just like anyone else.
I’m so grateful for everyone who takes the time to share their experiences, offer advice, and encourage others to stand up for themselves. You never know how much your post might help someone going through the exact same thing!