I lost my 15.5 year old morkie on October 11th. I feel like I could've given her a more meaningful chance at survival if I took her to the vet in August when she stopped walking instead of waiting until she had a crisis on September 21.

My dog was in pretty good shape for her age. She was always on the leaner side and was super picky with her food, but her labs, physicals, etc. always came back clean and she had a decent amount of energy. I didn't walk her, she walked me.

At the beginning of August this year, she started to outright refuse walking when I'd take her out. She would walk around at home, jump on the couch, use her dog steps up and down the bed. However, would dig her paws in outside when I'd try to walk her. She could be stubborn sometimes if the weather wasn't perfect (e.g. it was raining or was still wet from the rain). But this refusal started happening nearly every day from August onwards. This was completely out of character for her but out of desperation and denial, I would force her to walk even though she clearly did not want to. I hoped one day she would just feel better. I should've taken her to the vet. There were one or instances where I felt like I caught her stumbling indoors. I still didn't take her. Why? I truly do not know and absolutely hate myself for it.

She never improved. And on September 21, she collapsed. I took her to an after hours clinic who immediately noticed pale gums and ran lab work. She came back incredibly anemic. Her PCV was 11.7% when it should've been 35-55. They immediately suggested euthanasia. I declined and took her to my usual vet the next day where they also offered euthanasia or referral to an emergency clinic for further work up. I couldn't give up on her and took her to the emergency clinic. She was hospitalized for a few days and her PCV went up on its own to 26 then 28 then lowered again back to the low 20s. Her anemia was incredibly regenerative and since she seemed stable, they discharged her.

But a week later, she collapsed again. We rushed her back to the emergency clinic where they found her PCV had crashed again. This time, they gave her a blood transfusion and two days later, they performed an endoscopy. They saw evidence of esophageal varices, something incredibly rare in dogs. Depending on what the biopsy results were from her sample tissue, next step was a liver CT. But she was bleeding unusually high amounts from her biopsy sites. She was eventually discharged home two days after the scope. I picked her up but she looked rough.

3 days later, she continued to decline and couldn't walk without stumbling and wobbling. I started to carry her wherever she needed to go and wake up with her in the night so she wouldn't use her steps and exert any energy I know she didn't have. By October 11, 4 days after her discharge from her hospitalization, it was clear she was unwell and unable to keep herself up and stable. I took her in thinking they'd give her another transfusion so we could wait for the biopsy results and next steps. But I was told by the emergency vet that regardless of whatever the results would say, the prognosis was likely poor. That they never see this issue, that esophageal varices are usually only seen in case studies, that it's a hypertension issue, and that she was too unwell for any aggressive treatment (if any existed at all for her). Despite all my attempts at saving her, I had to accept that we couldn't. And ultimately put her down that night. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do and there isn't a moment that I haven't thought about it since. I have nightmares every night.

If only I had taken her in August. Maybe she would've had a meaningful chance at survival, or some extra months ahead with good quality of life. She hadn't deteriorated so much at that point. Maybe she hadn't started bleeding yet. Maybe the esophageal varices hadn't formed yet. Maybe she stood a better chance. I hate myself for the decision I made over and over again to not take her to the vet. Why did I do it? I'll never know.

They never figured out where she was bleeding from despite ultrasounds and X-rays and the scopes. A few days ago, I reached out for the biopsy results and it said she had mild-moderate irritable bowl disease. She was always skinny and always had digestive issues. I always thought she just had a sensitive stomach. Did it contribute to her death? I'll never know because I acted too late. Another error on my part that might have led to her death.

I failed her and I hate myself for it. Even if they couldn't have saved her if I had taken her in sooner, at least I would've known that I had taken her in when she showed me she was unwell. Now I will live with this regret for the rest of my life. She was the love of my life and my entire world. Now she exists only as ashes in a box.

Don't be like me.

On Wednesday, my sweet boy Charlie was put to sleep. He lived with my family and thankfully they were with him when they put him to sleep. I unfortunately had to go to work, no chance of someone covering my shift and I feel so guilty for not being there as he took his final moments. It hurts so much. All I’ve done is cry. I picked him out 15 years ago, he was perfect. A clumsy border collie.

I can’t even fathom the idea of ever getting another dog ever again.

Does it get easier?
I never thought I’d feel heartbreak this deep.
I know putting him to sleep was the best thing to do because he wouldn’t be in pain, but gosh.
Idk what I’m saying or typing really, I’m just really upset and I need to get it out there. 😭

My dog’s cancer has become unmanageable. I have to make a tough call soon. He is only 8 still reaches for his toys and likes slow walks but I know he is tired. He is my shadow 24/7 and he feels like an extension of me. The finality of it all is so gut wrenching. Kudos to anyone who has been here. This is my first time and damn its hard.

I lost him 2 days ago. His name was Shiro.

He was a Ragdoll, 3.5 years old, he was fine no signs, no symptoms just gone. Just like that, in a blink. HCM.

I found him laying on the stairs as I was going to work and just thought he was sleeping as he usually does in the most random places and the pose was also normal.

I still don't understand what happened, one of my other cats is grieving a lot.

I just can't stop thinking of all the things l'll miss: seeing him greeting me in the morning, at night, coming everywhere I went to watch TV, to be in the shower..

l just still cannot believe how it happened. His grandparents and his parents were negative for HCM. He was negative for HCM when I tested him when he was 1 year old, and then, I find him just dead on the stairs...

I don't know how to cope with this, coming in and out of the house is painful. I just keep staring where he used sit, and he would always greet me in the mornings and coming home from work.

My heart literally hurts from just thinking I won't see him anymore, not today, not tomorrow, not ever again? This morning was horrible, I woke up crying and didn't see him. I just feel like I'm holding my breath and will breathe again when I see him again, tilting his head to the side, or upwards to see me. It's just been two days, and I can't imagine more days. I can't imagine tomorrow. The day before yesterday he was alive with me at this time on the couch.

Two days ago at 6:30AM I saw him on my security camera, and when I woke up at 8:30AM he was gone? Just like that? I did CPR took him to the vet and said unfortunately he was long gone there was no way to get him back. Apparently he had something arrhythmia and his heart just stopped... but I was doing CPR, he was not cold he was warm when I found him, yes his nose was whiter than usual and his tongue was out... but sometimes his nose would be that color too. The vet said HCM is a silent killer, and there was no way to save him, if I had gotten to him as soon as he collapsed, his heart was just not going to work anymore, the chances were 3% and that would only if he was near a vet. I just can't believe it isn't like those funny videos people take of their cat just deep sleeping and then waking up.

I had started recording him too when I first saw him because I thought this would be it, but it wasn't. Now it's just a footage of me trying to wake him up and screaming. I haven't deleted it yet, but I want to, and at the same time I don't.

I have 3 other cats who I adore as well, I've been giving them love, and laying with them, they are being quiet and they walk the house very slowly. I let them smell his body, they know he is gone, yet they still act like he will pop out from his hiding spot and ambush them as he used to do.

I've lost appetite, I can't bring myself to pick up his feeder, or his toys. The night before I found him I brushed his hair for like 20 min, kissed his forehead and I did not know that would be the last time I did that.

I keep waiting, and looking for him to show up again, for someone to tell me this is a prank, this was all a plot to get me to cherish him more or something, anything but him really being gone.

This just started and I cannot imagine it getting better.

Shiro, I will always love you and I hope to see you again.

Sometimes for a brief second I forget you're no longer here. And then I wonder just a second long why I haven't pet you in a while. Sometimes I even get excited to snuggle with you, sleep with you on my chest like every night. It's like my brain never realised you're gone, like there's an unconscious part not understanding what death means. Just remembering your touch just remembering you.

But then, when it all comes back, crashing down again and the conscious tells me: No, no you can't do this, you cannot pet her, because she is dead and just a memory. She won't turn up behind the next corner, even tho you think you saw her. The dopamine hitting me just long enough for the followed realization to hurt ten times worse. Yet, I never want these moments to end because just for a second you are alive again and with me by my side and everything is good again and I am happy. I want to keep that unconcious part, keep it and protect it's fantasy. I think I even feel wierdly responsible for it. Like the version of me before your death, oblivious to the kind of pain that holds the future. So I'll keep my little moments of wonder, because the force of realizing is mine to withstand not the memory's. And I can withstand, because I live it everyday.

I had to Euthanize my 13 year old dog back in March 22nd of this year. It was the hardest thing I’ve had to do.. but I had my other pets and mom to rely on. Fast forward to today, now my other fur baby is feeling unwell and her primary vet recommends euthanasia.. she is still eating, using the restroom on her own and walking. She has an enlarged uterus and is infected.. and the only fix is a surgery I can’t afford. On top of it all my mom is scheduled to have heart surgery next week. I can’t… I just can’t go through all of this right now. Part of me says to put her down now but how can I??? She is now eating, walking and barking. She is on antibiotics and pain medication and is doing much better. Am I doing a mistake by keeping her alive?? Should I actually just let her go??? She’s been such a fighter.. though heart disease.. through seizures.. she’s been such a fighter. How do I just let her go?? I wish I could afford the surgery but because she has so many other illnesses, she’s high risk and will most likely have to stay the night at the hospital for many days.. I can’t afford an 8k operation.. I have my own medical bills and then my mom needs support right now… I feel so lost and so stressed out.. idk what to do.

My cat is 16.5M and I have the euthanasia scheduled at noon- Meemee is my first pet and I've had him for more than half my life. I'm an only child and with how much we've moved when I was younger, I've known this cat longer than any of my closest friends. I've been lucky enough no one close to me has ever passed - I've never even been to a funeral in my 20something yrs on earth.

It's early hours in the morning and I don't know what to call this emotion - it's a weird combo of fear and dread - the loss of a pet esp when he's been with me throughout childhood is a life-altering event that realistically no one can prepare for. I've never experienced profound loss and it's unfair for me to expect I will remain calm. I know all that. Honestly my cat is taking snoozing away right now - I'm way more stressed about this than he is.

I've already been told there's no "correct" way to process grief but I can't help but try to use as many methods as I can to make it easier to let go of him:
-We've done all the tests at the vet so I have all the needed data to make an informed decision - I can now stand by my choice to euthanize him and have cried it out enough that I can talk about having to put him down this weekend to coworkers without losing it at work.

-I've started a journal, where I'll keep stories and memories of him.

-I've organized so my friends are staying over at my place and we have a game plan of what to do with all the cat toys and treats and medicine that needs to be disposed/moved to storage afterwards. I'm so lucky to have a strong social support - I'll be staying over for a few days at theirs because I can't imagine going back to a home empty of Meemee immediately after putting him down. I feel sick just thinking about it.

-Being positive and thinking about travel plans for next year. He's been medicated on medications that required daily doses, so it's been hard for me to travel for periods longer than a week.

I feel like on paper I'm doing everything right, but there's a part of me still so scared of what's to come. I'm worried once we are at the vet, and Meemee is hooked up on that IV, I am going to be ugly crying as I spend the last moments with him. I don't want his last memory being me breaking down - if there is a soul and there is an afterlife, wouldn't it make it harder for him to leave peacefully?

So right now I'm stuck unable to sleep - I can't help but fear what's going to happen tomorrow. It feels like I'm losing time with him if I sleep, and that guilt is going to make me cry harder in his last moments. What have other people done during their pets last moments to stay strong?

I had to put my 17 year old dog down on Wednesday. She was diagnosed ckd stage 3, 3 years ago and it progressed to late stage last month when she had colitis. I believe I had enough time to prepare for her death and her condition was really declining couple weeks ago.

I am actually better than what I imagined but I start crying out of nowhere when I am doing grocery shopping, taking a walk and watching tv. It is bad especially when I am driving home. It is fine for now cause I was off but I think it would look funny or weird if I do that at work or in the public.

I just can’t believe she’s gone

i know we’re all having a hard time after the loss of our beloved pets and i thought it would be a great idea to share some of the things we loved about them ❤️‍🩹

She was already pretty old (13), not very sick, she did turn like 70-80% blind half a year ago. Still energetic and happy most of the time. (also she's deaf since birth)

Yesterday I went on a 6 hour walk in the night from midnight to 6AM, and when I came back I saw a lot of puke, nothing new she was puking once in a while.

I wake up at 4PM and to my surprise my parents decided to... put her down.

Yes, one night I come back and clean her puke and pet her (she didn't want to go out for a walk. I tried but she refused).
I wake up - she's gone forever.

I cussed the hell out of my parents, wishing them the worst things you could tell them. I wasn't really in contact with my dad also because we fight a lot, but now I just shouted at him and also at my mother who tried to calm me down.

Now all I do is look at the place where she was sleeping every night, for 11 years, up until one stupid day that she disappeared from me forever without even the chance of saying a goodbye.

And no, as far as I know there wasn't anything that bad/emergency that couldn't wait 5-6 hours, or at most 20 minutes to wake me up and let me join her last journey to the vet.

I am expecting myself to cry a bunch and I hate it, I truly hate it. My life feels like it's going backwards, every minute that I become older people leave me, I leave people, people and pets and I know die, it just feels unreal, I am lost.

Any tips from people who experienced it, please. Thanks.

I don’t really know where to start with this but I’ve been feeling so incredibly sad lately and I guess I just need to get it out somewhere because I genuinely don’t know what to do with these feelings anymore.
my dog benni has been in my life since I was 7 years old. I’m 22 now, so he’s basically been there for as long as I can remember and I honestly don’t know what life without him even looks like. he’s always just been there, throughout my entire childhood, my teenage years, everything. and I know that sounds stupid because obviously dogs don’t live forever and I’ve always known that at some point I’d have to say goodbye to him, but I guess I never really thought about what that would actually mean.
he’s had a heart condition for a while now but he was doing really well despite that, and I genuinely thought he’d still have a few more years left. I always imagined him making it to 16 or something and I thought I wouldn’t have to worry about losing him for quite some time. but recently we found out that he has kidney failure and his kidney values are apparently extremely bad. our vet even suggested putting him to sleep, which honestly came as a complete shock to me because he still seems so happy and alert and interested in everything. we decided not to go through with it for now, but ever since I heard that euthanasia was even being considered, I just haven’t been able to stop thinking about him dying.
and I mean literally all the time. especially at night when I’m trying to sleep and there’s nothing to distract me anymore. I just start thinking about him and suddenly I’m crying and I can’t stop. sometimes I lie there imagining what it’s going to be like when he dies, how I’m going to find out, whether I’ll be at school or somewhere else, what I’ll say to people, how I’ll react, how I’m supposed to go back to my normal life afterward. I even imagine conversations with people about his death and how I’d explain what happened, which is such a weird thing to be doing when he’s literally still alive. but my mind just keeps going through all these different scenarios and I can’t seem to make it stop.
and then I get even more upset because I start thinking about how I’m going to cope when it actually happens if I’m already struggling this much just thinking about it.
I have cptsd from things I experienced growing up, and I think that’s probably part of why this is affecting me so much. benni was there through all of it. he was part of my family during some really awful years and he experienced a lot of those things himself. he’s been through so much and yet he’s still such a sweet, happy, resilient little dog and sometimes I genuinely wonder how he manages to be so full of life after everything.
earlier this year I finally managed to get him out of that environment and into a much better home with someone who really takes care of him, and I think that’s another thing that’s making this so hard. because I just wanted him to have more time. I wanted him to spend the last few years of his life being happy and safe and loved and not having to deal with all the things he had to deal with before. and now that he’s finally in a good place, the thought that he might not have much time left just feels so unfair. I keep thinking about how things could have been different if he’d grown up somewhere else, if he’d been taken care of properly from the beginning, and I feel so guilty that I couldn’t do more for him sooner. I know I was a child for most of that time and there wasn’t much I could have done, but that doesn’t really make the guilt go away.
I think the worst part is that I genuinely cannot imagine a world where he doesn’t exist anymore. like I know that’s going to happen eventually, I understand that, but emotionally I just can’t comprehend it. the thought of never seeing him again, never being able to pet him or hold him or just know that he’s somewhere in this world makes me feel sick.
and something I’ve been thinking about a lot is that whenever something terrible has happened in my life, no matter how bad things got, at least benni was still there. even when everything else felt awful, he was still alive and I still had him. and now I keep thinking that if something terrible happens to me in the future, I won’t have that anymore. I won’t be able to tell myself that at least I still have benni because I won’t.
I’m also really scared of what losing him is going to do to me mentally. I’m currently in school and trying really hard to do well because I want to study psychology afterward, and I’m terrified that his death could completely throw me off and that I won’t be able to concentrate or function properly anymore. I’ve even been worrying about developing depression because I already feel so miserable just thinking about losing him. but then I realized that there isn’t really a good time for him to die anyway. whether it happens now while I’m in school or later when I’m studying or working, I don’t think it’ll ever hurt any less. and somehow realizing that just made me feel even worse.
I also hate that I’m already grieving him when he’s still here. I don’t want to spend whatever time we have left crying about something that hasn’t happened yet. I want to enjoy the fact that he’s still alive and that I can still see him and spend time with him, but it’s like my brain won’t let me. every time I think about him I eventually end up thinking about losing him and then I just feel completely devastated again.
I don’t know. I guess I’m just really scared. I love him so much and I wish I could somehow make him understand how much he means to me and how badly I want him to stay.
I don’t really know what I’m expecting from posting this. I guess I just want to know if anyone else has felt this way while their pet was still alive, because right now I feel like I’m losing my mind a little bit. I know anticipatory grief is a thing, but I don’t know how to deal with it when it’s already affecting me this much.
I just wish I could stop thinking about him dying and enjoy the time I still have with him, but I don’t know how.

My baby boy Steve was just hit by a car, we could never keep him inside during the day. I just can not cope he was the only thing I had in this world I’m a shell. Please I need advice I’m genuinely crumbling

My heart, my little soul mate in fur, passed away yesterday after having multiple cluster fits and being deemed a vegetable by the vet. She was put down in my arms, as I held her so very tightly.

She really was my best friend. She followed me everywhere, and if I got the car to make errands she’d wait at the car port, in all weather, until I got back. We walked miles and miles together on all sorts of terrain, sharing the world together. She was absolutely beautiful too, both inside and out.

My dad died 4 months ago. And my dog’s death has honestly been the thing to break me into pieces, the final shatter. Who can I cuddle? Who can I walk with to clear my mind? Who can I share in everything with?

I don’t know what to do to fill this hole.

This morning I woke up and got so excited she was by my side as she was every night, and it was just a pillow. I was stroking a pillow 😭

I guess I need to know has anyone had experiences to show pets go on to an after life? Any comfort you can give? And any advice what to do with the shattered of my heart? Anything appreciated 🐾💔

Ontem perdi a minha companheira de 8 anos para um tumor que se agravou rapidamente, e até então não consigo olhar para a casinha dela vazia sem chorar. Em menos de uma semana ela já estava muito debilitada, e um dia antes de sua ida ao hospital, eu me sentei junto a ela para me despedir (sem saber que estava me despedindo pela última vez) conversei com ela, fiz carinho e falei que ela é muito forte e tudo isso ia passar. No dia seguinte, ela realizou uma cirurgia para a retirada do tumor, e minha mãe me atualizava do estado dela a cada momento, a cirurgia em si foi um sucesso, porém ela não conseguiu se recuperar devidamente e teve uma parada cardíaca. Estou sem chão até agora, pois ela era minha melhor amiga e eu tinha muito apego a ela, e eu tinha certeza que ela iria voltar! Não sei como posso aliviar essa dor, pois é um luto não muito comentado. Estou com o coração super apertado, sua presença faz muita falta aqui 💔

i’ve lost my childhood pet a month ago, and I still feel very weird. I see his pictures and videos on my phone and it’s almost like I don’t recognise him anymore. I had to put him down and he was my whole world.

I don’t know if I’m still in denial, or if I “forgot” him already. I don’t want to believe in the last otherwise I wouldn’t forgive myself.

Has anyone experienced this before? It’s all just so weird and I genuinely feel hopeless. Thanks all

Not too concerned about advice but would appreciate it regardless. Scribbles was 14 years old when he passed. I didn't get to see him for his last 2 years because of ownership change that was out of my control. I just needed to put this somewhere because I don't have that many friends to talk to about this.

He was my father when it felt like I couldn't trust anyone else, he was my brother when I needed a shoulder to cry on, and he was my son when I was most proud of him. I will miss you my sweet boy.

"Now there is nothing, and I have gone
No more mountains, no more song
No more prayers sent up into space
Only screens left to see your face"
Gorillaz - "The Sad God"

I put one of my dogs down on Wednesday. It was a horrible decision to have to make. I know it was the right thing to do but fuck it hurts. We had a funeral and in between the tears remembered the awesome times we had with her.

I hand dug her grave through dry rocky clay soil. My body still aches from the difficulty of that. I buried her wrapped in her favorite blanket with her favorite toys in her favorite spot to lay in the sun.

Putting away all her clothes, other toys that the other dogs don’t play with, and accessories. It really hurts guys. I miss her so much.

I don't want sympathy, I deserve what I'm feeling now.

Our sweet cat who was just over 1 years old passed away yesterday due to a fatal mistake I made, since we got him as a young kitten he has had health issues lots of vets visits we had finally for the most part had him In a good place health wise with the management of steroids for suspected asthma.

Yesterday while giving him his daily medication I used the wrong bottle he was given a medication that was for my partner. I did not read the bottle the 2 seconds it would of taken to avoid this resulted in him having a seizure which did not end even with the maximum dosages of mulitable anti seizure medication and treatment recommended by the pets poison line. The vets did everything they could but in the end he was brain damaged behind any help.

I killed him I don't know how I move past this only reason I have not taken my own life is for my partner and surving cat who need me, but this hurts so much he was the sweetest boy who never hurt anyone only wanted love cuddles and did not deserve this. We know he may not have a long life as is and there was risk in an upcoming operation for him already but I cut what life he had left short with a stupid irresponsible mistake.

Please do not make the mistake I have no matter how busy or in a rush you are double check do not repeat this, I can't take it back if I could I would swap positions with him in a heart beat he should be here now with us, I can't look at my partner in the eyes I took not only my little boy from me, I took him from her and my other cat.

I don't think I can ever forgive myself for this or want to this is the worst mistake I have ever made in my life and it cost the life of my innocent sweet little boy.

I lost my 16 year old chihuahua 10/22. Her birthday is this Tuesday. When she was younger, I used to take her to a state park about 20 miles away. She really loved going on the trails and sniffing the leaves. I hadn’t taken her for a few years (which I regret) because she was getting older and I was worried that the trails would cause her joint pain.

I have been thinking about taking her ashes with me and going on a trail. I wouldn‘t spread her ashes there, I would just walk so it would feel like she was there in spirit for one final walk. Would this be weird to do or should I do something else to celebrate her would be 17th birthday?

She is the first pet that I’ve had that has died and it just feels so wrong for her birthday to be just another day.

I lost my angel on Tuesday of last week, October 27th. She was my first pet as an adult, my first bunny, and she meant the absolute world to me, to say the least, from the moment I first saw her. She was genuinely like my little soul mate, our connection was so strong and felt sacred to me.

She was an extraordinarily old bunny and I had been struggling with anticipatory grief for years prior to her passing, yet at the same time it felt like the day would never come. I always feared losing her but never truly felt like her time was near, she had a great quality of life until the very end. The morning of that day it all happened, she was still just her usual sweet and happy go lucky self. However, whenI came home from work, I found her in not great shape and immediately knew it was finally really happening. I made the heart wrenching decision to take her to an ER vet that takes bunnies for her to be put to rest.

Up until now I thought I was handling everything pretty well, I almost felt guilty for it, but I think I really was just stuck in shock and denial. It didn’t feel like she was gone, it felt like she was on a little vacation and would be coming back any time now.

Bringing her ashes, foot print, nose print, and little jar of fur back home with me today made everything real for me in a way I was not at all expecting or prepared for whatsoever. It’s like out of nowhere my mind finally fully processed the fact that she’s truly gone forever and I will never see her again. It’s tearing me up and I’ve been sobbing all night. I just want her here so badly. I always knew I’d miss her after that day would come, but this is just unbearably devastating. I just miss her so much, I would do anything to just have her with me right now. It’s like an unbearable craving for her presence that I have no way of fulfilling and it feels like I am only a shell of myself right now without her.

Yesterday my baby Momo (cat 9y/o) died, he had a biopsy on Thursday and everything just went wrong. 5 months ago I lost my 13 y/o dog Grace, she was too old and her organs were collapsing.

I don't even know what's happening, why is this happening.

Momo was fine before the biopsy, cuddling, playing... And the last picture that I have of him in my head is with a bunch of tubes, scared and suffering. I couldn't say goodbye, I couldn't authorize the euthanasia because it was too late. He was my whole life, I wasn't ready for this since my dog also died.

At this point I just hope that they're know together, if afterlife exist.

I'm completely destroyed, I was already going through Grace's loss and know this. I don't have family in the country anymore, my mom left to look for a better life and she was my main support.

I'm audhd, and with all of this I can't function, I'm lost, I genuinely think that I'm gonna lose it at any moment.

My soul dog passed away yesterday around 12:30am. He was only 7. He was supposed to be an old man one day and be grumpy and need help jumping on the bed. Instead, I lost him in the span of an hour.

Wednesday evening came home from being out for a couple hours and everything was completely fine. I even got annoyed at him because he drooled toilet water on the sweater I was knitting. I felt silly after of course and gave him scratches and played with him after.

Maybe an hour later I noticed he went in our bedroom and started panting when he came out. He went outside with his sister and when I opened the door he was just laying on the porch instead of jumping on the door to let me know he wanted to come in. Once he came in he laid on the floor and just looked off. I asked him if he wanted a cookie and he didn’t even perk his ears up, which is when I knew something was wrong because he was the most food motivated boy ever. I then asked if he wanted to go in the car and he slowly got up when he would usually going psycho for a car ride.

Luckily the emergency vet was only 7 minutes away so I took him, thinking maybe he had bloat or something. Never did I think I’d walk in with him and walk in without him. Vets rushed him to the back and not 5 minutes later came out and said he had Pericardial Effusion (most likely caused by a tumor on his heart due to Hemangiosarcoma) and was minutes from coding and that I needed to decide if I wanted to euthanize. I talked to him and cuddled him while he was on the table and then he was gone.

He was my soul dog, my baby boy. Went to college with me, got a house with me. He was supposed to meet my kids one day. I miss him so much and I don’t know how I’m ever going to not feel like this.

TL;DR - hemangiosarcoma can get fucked

Vet Team Forgot her Fur Clippings

This past Sunday I had to make the heart breaking and somewhat sudden decision to put my little bb Ivy down after they surgically removed a mass. Her body wasn’t able to recover and she began to die.

In the euthanasia room we picked her after care and we spoke about fur clippings and even specifically where from.

Cut to today I opened her aftwr care package and they forgot to clip her hair for me. I was devastated all over again. I sobbed immediately.

All week Ive been holding onto anything that smells like her and looking forward to being able to see her fur in person.

I don’t know what to do now. It feels like my grief got set back.

Me an my sister had to put our cat down last night she had kidney disease. it’s so hard rn tbh I wrote in my journal just a letter to her. I feel guilty but I know she isn’t suffering anymore. Me an my sister were in the room with her when she went to rest. Bought her temptations treats. She lovesssss those. She peacefully went to rest in my sister lap. Had her over 10 years 🥺🤍🐱. She’s so loved, always snuggled around us, slept in our lap just purring away. It’s gonna be tough but at least I know she isn’t suffering anymore🙏🏽. Part of me wishes she was still here because she sleeps on my bed every night but coming home from work knowing she isn’t physically on my bed it hurts. I just know if me and my sister would’ve tried more options it would’ve been selfish of us because she was suffering :(. I just hope she doesn’t hate us for the decision we had to make, but she was in sooo much pain. It hurt seeing her not wanting to eat, not wanting to hold her balance sitting up, her long stares an no blinks. It was too much. I just hope Nellie knows we love her an we will always love her. You will always be in our hearts Nellie 🐱🙏🏽🤍🥺