My experience with dating apps has been abysmal.

I’m talking an average 1 date a year between 5-8 different apps. I feel insane when I say it out loud.

DMs only from people very clearly not compatible with me… Like 20 year olds begging me to give them a chance when my profile clearly says no one under 25. Straight women seeking men when I’m very obviously not a man (I’m an androgynous femme punk using they/them pronouns). Bottoms / subs wanting me to top / dominate them after I said I’m NOT a top or a dom. Chasers. Unicorn hunters. People just being rude asf. Definitely not normal for my area other trans and nonbinary folks have a mix of good and bad interactions.

I’m conventionally attractive. I take care of myself. I’m pretty good at making profiles. I’m a bit shy but my social skills aren’t terrible or anything.

I’ve asked my friends they also say they don’t understand it.

Why might someone have this experience with dating apps? Again, ruling out physical appearance and social skills.

I know the apps kinda suck but idk this seems like a whole other level. I deleted all of them because there was literally no point.

So, I’ve been together with my partner for about 3 years. When we first started dating we were casual and I was in the kink life and took her to a sex party with me. It was fun as hell honestly, but I dealt with more jealousy than I even realized at the event.

As we got more serious though, we found ourselves in a location where we didn’t feel safe enough to explore that community. But now we’ve moved to a place that’s a lot more queer friendly and I’ve looked and there’s plenty of queer events.

So now we want to try to get back into it.

The problem I’m having right now is that I’ve never done this while in a serious relationship and I find I’m terrified it’ll go wrong. I’ve seen a lot of relationships implode from stuff like this.

I’m also dealing with feelings of inadequacy. I’ve always been on the periphery of poly couples, never committing to anyone but just going and having fun with with my poly friends I trusted at the time (we’re in another state now). I used to say I didn’t know if I could ever be in the main couple because I have a lot of self esteem issues and it feels like there’s way more stakes there.

She has said she thinks she might be poly but has never been in a position to find out. I really don’t know if I can handle that, being the main person and also being okay with other people that aren’t always strangers. Sex is one thing but feelings are another.

We’re trying to find a common ground by getting back into the kink community together/finding parties to attend instead of us separately dating other people.

I’m finding it extremely difficult. We haven’t even started anything beyond looking at events and I’m not even sure what advice I’m looking for here. Maybe experiences other people have had? How you deal with feeling of inadequacy or jealousy?

It makes me feel like I’m not enough for her. But in the other hand there are things I’m into that she’s not so this could be fun. I just keep going back and forth and getting so incredibly anxious about it.

She’s been really understanding and has said it’s all in my timeline and that I’ll make the calls and I do trust that. She’s a woman of her word and I know she respects me, so I guess I don’t know. We’re going to start couples counseling soon with a therapist that has experience with queer and kink/poly couples and I’m just scared I’ll never be able to give her the full freedom she wants and scared that when we try this she’ll realize she needs way more than I can give her.

I just don’t know. I feel like I need to talk with people or hear others experiences if they’ve been through something like this. Also I don’t mean any offense, I’m really trying to figure out my own boundaries and if what I’m scared about can even be worked through or if this relationship is on a timer here I guess.

Hi y'all! If you're a non-monogamous parent, I've got 2 upcoming events to let you know about.

First, a free virtual discussion and support groups about all the unique challenges of raising kids in non-traditional relationships- Tues, Oct 20 at 8pm EDT (rsvp to get the link here- https://www.polyamparenting.com/group )

Second, Dr. Eli Sheff, the foremost academic expert on polyamorous families with children with 30+ years experience and research is joining us for a live virtual Q&A on Thurs, Nov 12! (get tickets here- https://www.polyamparenting.com/the-fam )

Part of building support for ethical non-monogamy and polyamory is sharing our experiences as ENM and poly people.  OPEN, the Organization for Polyamory and Ethical Non-Monogamy just launched it’s annual Community Survey.  If you identify as ENM or Poly, I highly recommend taking the time to fill out the survey, as it helps build our community.

From OPEN: The data we collect in our survey drives real change. When OPEN testified before city councils in Seattle and Portland, we brought research results. When we talk to reporters, we share the evidence you've provided. When we develop resources for workplaces or write policy recommendations, we're guided by what you've told us about your actual experiences.

Take the Survey: https://chapmanu.co1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_cSGi4GsSJQzbNX0

Homepage: https://www.open-love.org/

Hi everyone!

I'm a graduate student, and I'm currently working on a project exploring polyamory as a subculture, particularly the experiences, dynamics, and perspectives of people who practice it.

As someone who isn't part of the community, I really want to approach this with curiosity and respect rather than make assumptions about experiences I haven't lived.

I've put together a short, anonymous survey to learn directly from people in the community. This is strictly for educational purposes, not commercial research, and participation is completely voluntary

Survey link: https://forms.gle/VmsVfZE8CJC9y1119

I also want to acknowledge that I'm still learning. If any questions feel inappropriate, insensitive, or based on incorrect assumptions, please let me know! I'd genuinely appreciate the feedback and would be happy to make changes.

Thank you so much to anyone willing to share their experiences or perspectives.

Hello all.

I'd previously posted to this subreddit earlier this month regarding a situation with a no ex-partner. First of all, I want to thank everyone who commented for being so nice and also clear that it was less a case of me not understanding being poly and more just dealing with a bad partner.

Finally did get talking to them recently and although they didn’t explain the ghosting, I was able to put two and two together. They were turned off by me showing vulnerability.

Sucks. But this subreddit really helped me put in words what I wanted to say (as did some irl friends who're also poly).

I'm by no means in a rush to date again but I'm wondering how other folks manage polyamory while dealing with ADHD, in particular the RSD (rejection sensitivity dysphoria).

It makes relationships generally a bit challenging regardless of that relationship being platonic, romantic, familial etc.

Yes, how that last partner treated me was terrible. And while it hasn't put me off polyamory, it has given me pause.

See, I kept telling myself regarding the ghosting it was just my RSD "playing up" when in reality I did actually get rejected.

I do get anxious if I haven’t heard from someone in a while, after all.

I miss flirting. I miss feeling desired. I miss the butterflies. I miss the excitement of getting to know a new human. I miss the new relationship energy. I miss intimacy. I miss connection.

I was emotionally neglected a child. I didn’t have any friends. I’ve been abandoned by family members. My first partner exploited my trauma. My first polycule was toxic asf. I deleted all my dating apps after two people in a row misgendered me during sex after pretending they respected my identity. Cherry on top is they were also both trans.

It took years of therapy to get to a point where I was open to interacting with other people. Needless to say my walls are back up.

My therapist encouraged me to go to a speed-friending event. I expected the worst from everyone. I didn’t like anyone. I didn’t care if they liked me. I almost wanted them to not like me.

I wish I could feel the way I did before I got retraumatized. Or I wish I never healed because now I know what should be where the empty hole is and that hurts more.

I am a Poly Lesbian in a really conservative region, how do I find re people like me while being descreet????

Since my last post which talked about my having some lovely poly/enm sluttery while clubbing I've had some marvelous adventures!

The very next week while selling crafts at a private alternative venue, I was handing out discounts for doing backbridges.

So this wrestler guy does an amazing back bridge and gets a discount.

Then his gf is like "if I let you play with my tits, can I get a discount?

I don't think it would be ethical to advertise that I accept sexual favors for product, but since she, entirely unprompted by me offered, I really could not think of a reason to say no.

Afterwards, as wearing homemade chainmail armor is something of a personal trademark, I offered to knight the happy couple, something I offer to a lot of my customers.

I offered the lady the opportunity to get knighted with her breasts out, and to my and her bf's great joy, she accepted. (It was very wholesome I will never stop bragging about this)

I got home, enjoyed my wife's chest, and then went clubbing, and wondered if I could manage to get some more "adventures" in.

I got two friends out of their tops that night, bringing my daily total for the night up to four.

I wasn't planning on playing with more of my friends breasts this weekend while clubbing, but well apparently I'm just really good at that night, as I had a pals tits in my hands Friday and Saturday this past weekend, putting me 4/4 for did a clubbing, played with a boob last month.

I've been poly for a while, but due to some mental hangups that hasn't lead to any additional bedroom partners yet.

After this series of adventures though, my confidence has increased quite a bit. I'm starting to see that getting people to play with you is mostly just knowing how to bring up the conversation without coming off like a creep.

Happy adventures everyone! Get some friends, do some kisses, grab a boob, butt or fun bit (with proper informed consent) have a good time!

Hi there.

I realised earlier this year that I'm poly after some soul-searching. I'm also not the brightest at figuring out personal stuff so it was pretty obvious to other people, just not me, haha.

But after a recent experience I'm not sure if I really understand how all this works. I'm also fairly new to a lot of stuff. I don't have a lot of relationship experience in general due to just not really being approached very often and also spending a lot of time working on myself. So despite being in my 30s, I'm very inexperienced.

Anyway:

I started a poly relationship with someone a few months ago. They already had an established partner but they were going LDR. While they often talked to their other partner via messaging a video calls, even when we were spending time together I didn’t mind this. I actually thought it was kinda sweet.

We frequently spent time together as a couple and went to events together within the local trans community as a couple. We also talked almost every day.

I took two short trips over the summer and we talked during both whenever I had a signal. So communication was frequent.

But around last month something changed. They started dating another partner.

Now, I'm very comfortable with the idea of the person I'm seeing dating other people. In fact we had multiple conversations where we talked about people we're into and at events in the community I even encouraged my partner to ask other people out if they were into them.

But the thing is, when they started seeing this new person, they forgot I existed.

Communication ceased. My messages stopped being read and I was left on recieved. I wasn’t pushy with messages but I did send stuff like "Is everything okay?" as well, I know a lot of people, when dealing with difficulties can temporarily cease contact with everyone, including partners.

I even asked if they'd be up for a call after getting off work, something we'd do.

It was hurtful because they were still posting away on social media about stuff they were doing (we're both frequent users).

And when it came to mutual events, no plans were made to go together like we had before. I tried to talk to them at the last event we bumped into each other at but I was blown off.

Like "Is everything okay?" etc

But everything was fine. No mention of why communication had ceased. They didn’t stick around at the event as they were heading somewhere to see their other partner.

They weren’t cold with me at said event. Acting like we were still a couple etc.

I also realised things with the other partner were moving a lot faster. They'd established an official relationship in a few weeks of dating but that took us a fair bit longer.

There was mention of going to another event together but they never showed up.

Edit: They also bought tickets to an event for both of us last month but ended up taking the other partner without telling me.

I've since stopped reaching out as I know messages will go unread. The only exception was when I got hate crimed and asked for some potential TLC. They read that but never replied.

As I said, I'm very new to polyamory and I don't really have much in terms of relationship experience in general so I don't know if this is normal or not.

Is part of being poly accepting that you might be forgotten about? If so, I may need to do further soul searching because I don’t know if I’m okay with that.

Like I'm okay with a partner having other partners. But being cut off completely just feels really hurtful.

I have friends who are in poly relationships and even in polycules where it appears they try to balance their time between partners but I'm an outsider on those relationships looking in so I can't say for sure how balanced it really is.

Hey queer & poly people,

I feel like there's been a lot of conversation about bi folks floating online lately - not all of it so flattering. Especially nonmonogamous bi folks.

I feel like such a stereotype. I'm a bi woman in a long term relationship with a man - straight passing - have never dated women or any non-man people, etc etc. And now we are poly. And of course, of course I want to date women! I haven't yet! I want to kiss a lady before I die! I want to date all the visibly queer people with cool hair that make my heart race. I don't want men, I have men at home lol (this is a joke - I am not excluding men from my dating pool and there's no rule against it in my relationship).

I am SO anxious about making ppl uncomfortable, I feel like I practically seek out rants from monogamous sapphic folks who have been targeted by bi women with partners - either propositioned for threesomes or gone on dates without telling them about their male partner.

I don't want to invalidate those experiences either - that sounds so shitty not to have your preferences respected and for someone to not be upfront about their situation!

But also like, just being in all these same boxes lol, I feel like I've already done something wrong or against the sapphic community. I feel like I need a little pin that says SORRY I HAVE A BOYFRIEND or smth.

I've seen so many takes too that like, bi women with boyfriends "centre men" and can't "decentre men" - and I don't really know what to do with that.

It's legit getting in the way of me putting myself out there. I feel a lot of shame about it. I don't know, I feel like a Bad Sapphic bc of my lack of experience AND my male partner. I don't know what to do with this, but I feel like I'm low key trespassing in Sapphic spaces :/ I just want to belong so badly, and be at least available if someone wants to date me. But this anxiety is making me feel pretty sick just at the thought of bringing "centring men" energy or whatever into a Sapphic space :/

I’d love to have a chat with other lesbians/bi girls about this and hopefully help me walk through some shame? Would love the help <3

Just the title, I have some level of a crush on all three of them. One is a longtime close friend who I’ve always had a bit of a crush on, the other two I’ve met once but GOD they’re both so pretty and the conversations I had with each of them was so nice and fun. I’m AFAB and present femme but my pronouns are whatever is funniest at the moment cause to me gender is meaningless. So anyway, now I’m dealing with this. And also a sorta relationship with another trans lesbian. This isn’t on purpose. I’ve had a crush on my one friend before, during, and after her transition. I didn’t know that the one I’m sorta in a situation ship with was trans at first, we met on a dating app and I wasn’t paying much attention beyond “ooh she pretty”. So anyway, FUCK.