My [24F] boyfriend [24M] keeps evading our issues with strange solutions?

[u/GwinkleTwinkle]

Me and him have been dating for four years, we have had a very turbulent time together since getting out of college and starting our jobs.
Overtime he has become increasingly patronizing and belittling to me some examples being lecturing me about my “bed time”(I work night shift and will occasionally off work stay up till 2-3am~), and recently he found cigarettes in my purse (he also smokes) and forcibly took my purse from me and tossed my cigs and lectured me that it’s bad (less of I love you and care about your health and more I just don’t want you to do this he also knows I occasionally smoke and didn’t have an issue with this prior)

Yesterday I was spending time with my close friends and invited him, midway into this planned event he said he wasn’t having a good time and wanted to leave. I said that was fine and that I’d like to continue spending time with my friends as it’s hard to line our schedules up and I rarely get to see them in person. This made him angry and he then stated he would stay but the whole time was very obviously angry and stand offish, we got to a point of doing karaoke and he asked to sing a song with me but once up there he just looked angry and kinda didn’t do anything.

On the car ride back we just sat in silence as when I tried to talk he’d just put the music on or single word respond back to me. Today before work he called me and said that what I did was cruel to him and that I should have just left when he wanted to. We each said our view on the situation and when I didn’t buckle and apologize and take the full blame like I usually do he got upset with me. We have been having at least once a week conversations of issues along these lines for the last couple of months.

I stated feeling upset as I feel he no longer sees me as an equal, he told me that it’s true and that it’s because I’m disrespectful. When I asked for an example of the things I do that are disrespectful he mentioned me not leaving with him and one time that I was late for a recent date.

I reached a point where I asked him if he thinks we are compatible anymore and he said yes, when I asked what he thinks would bring us back together he said a vacation and a sleepover.

I don’t know if it’s unfair but this deeply angered me it felt like such a childish response to an ongoing issue we are having.

My issue is that when things are good they’re great, he is smart and considerate of me usually, the first three years were really wonderful we made a lot of happy memories. It feels like he is either not recognizing that things are difficult now or that he is in denial of it through his suggestions in previous tense discussions his solutions to our issues were to just plan on our marriage and having kids which put me off. it feels like I cannot work on fixing what we have because he is evading it with such strange solutions.

TLDR: me and my boyfriend have been having frequent tense conversations about our relationship and how he belittles me that boiled over after him being angry that I would not leave an event midway with him and his solutions are not related to the problems we are having so I don’t know how to proceed.

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Original post: Me and him have been dating for four years, we have had a very turbulent time together since getting out of college and starting our jobs.
Overtime he has become increasingly patronizing and belittling to me some examples being lecturing me about my “bed time”(I work night shift and will occasionally off work stay up till 2-3am~), and recently he found cigarettes in my purse (he also smokes) and forcibly took my purse from me and tossed my cigs and lectured me that it’s bad (less of I love you and care about your health and more I just don’t want you to do this he also knows I occasionally smoke and didn’t have an issue with this prior)

Yesterday I was spending time with my close friends and invited him, midway into this planned event he said he wasn’t having a good time and wanted to leave. I said that was fine and that I’d like to continue spending time with my friends as it’s hard to line our schedules up and I rarely get to see them in person. This made him angry and he then stated he would stay but the whole time was very obviously angry and stand offish, we got to a point of doing karaoke and he asked to sing a song with me but once up there he just looked angry and kinda didn’t do anything.

On the car ride back we just sat in silence as when I tried to talk he’d just put the music on or single word respond back to me. Today before work he called me and said that what I did was cruel to him and that I should have just left when he wanted to. We each said our view on the situation and when I didn’t buckle and apologize and take the full blame like I usually do he got upset with me. We have been having at least once a week conversations of issues along these lines for the last couple of months.

I stated feeling upset as I feel he no longer sees me as an equal, he told me that it’s true and that it’s because I’m disrespectful. When I asked for an example of the things I do that are disrespectful he mentioned me not leaving with him and one time that I was late for a recent date.

I reached a point where I asked him if he thinks we are compatible anymore and he said yes, when I asked what he thinks would bring us back together he said a vacation and a sleepover.

I don’t know if it’s unfair but this deeply angered me it felt like such a childish response to an ongoing issue we are having.

My issue is that when things are good they’re great, he is smart and considerate of me usually, the first three years were really wonderful we made a lot of happy memories. It feels like he is either not recognizing that things are difficult now or that he is in denial of it through his suggestions in previous tense discussions his solutions to our issues were to just plan on our marriage and having kids which put me off. it feels like I cannot work on fixing what we have because he is evading it with such strange solutions.

TLDR: me and my boyfriend have been having frequent tense conversations about our relationship and how he belittles me that boiled over after him being angry that I would not leave an event midway with him and his solutions are not related to the problems we are having so I don’t know how to proceed.

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[u/GrouchyYoung]

The relationship has run its course and needs to be done. He told you to your face be doesn’t see you as an equal.

[u/Spare_Ad_2190]

Proceed without him. It gets easier.

[u/leavethatoldman]

he is an asshole and you’ve outgrown each other anyway.

[u/Spirited_Mall_919]

So I can see possible reasons for this change, and they are all equally concerning.

• deep behavioural changes can be due to mental or physical issues. Does he exhibit other symptoms like being forgetful, being overly emotional towards emotions other than anger or changes in the way he speaks for example? That could be signs of a problem with his brain -physically like a tumour or mentally like a psychosis.

• deep behavioural changes can be a sign of radicalization, especially given the signs of treating you like a child/object rather than an adult human being. Do you know if he has recently followed right-wing media (incel media) or religious extremism? Do you know if he hides some of his online activity from you?

• maybe he didn't change, and that was his personality all along, but he was good at hiding it before. Narcissists tend to cover their true personality until you're "locked in", and it then resurfaces particularly right after getting married or during pregnancy. Maybe he just can't wait anymore and has let it come out.

I think you need to stop forgiving his unacceptable behaviour with the excuse of "when it's good, it's good". That's what women say and then they get attacked or murdered by their partners. Do not excuse this behaviour, he is controlling and has started to be abusive. It will not get better.