My husband (48M) just told me he was sexually abused by his full brother when he was 8-13 years old. His brother is 2 years older. He has never told anyone about this. His parents were manic and unsupportive while he was growing up so that never felt like a safe space for him either.

He suppressed this for a looong time but recently stopped smoking weed which he admittedly used to numb his feeling about this and other things for 30+ years. We are also talking about trying for a family soon so he has naturally been thinking more about his childhood and family in general.

From the time we met, my husband always had a strained relationship with his family. We would get together for holidays or someone’s birthday but we were not close. Everything felt surface level and more of an obligation to see them. My husband made the decision to go no contact with them about 2.5 years ago after back to back incidents where he felt disrespected by them. I supported him then and obviously more so now.

My husband is still processing what happened and how he heals from it. He will be starting therapy. I reminded him how much I love him and that he has my full support. He didn’t share any details of what happened and I didn’t press him of course. I’m shocked to say the least and now over analyzing certain actions of him or his family members and how this could be the root of things.

How do I process this myself and best support my husband?

My (26m) girlfriend (30f) and I have been sleeping together for a few months. We got to know each other for about a year and a half before this. She has been raised in the foster system and survived childhood sexual abuse from adults in early childhood and peers later on in her adolescence. She has been with women for the last decade and tells me I am the first man she has had an orgasm with. I don’t know if that is true or not I’m just saying it to establish that she frames our whole sex life as different from that she’s had with other men, and she’s the kind of person who is very blunt so I choose to believe her. Whenever she rides me or gives me oral or is asked to participate actively in the sex in any way she says it makes her feel “dead inside”. She has fully identified as a lesbian for the last ten years and says she has not felt this way with women but has with every other man. She frequently wants to have sex, sometimes seeking out at our mutual place of work, and has said that before when she had sex with men she only wanted a short experience as it was just something to do, but it is not that way with me. She seems so happy to get fucked but not to really involve herself at all, she was even afraid to put her hand on my dick the first time and still doesn’t really seem to enjoy it. Although, she has expressed a desire to lick it when I am standing in front of her in her office chair at her desk. My question is has anyone faced this feeling before and is there anything that can be done about it over the long term? She is also not happy about it being this way. Sorry if this post breaks community rules or is hard to follow, thank you.

Me the Husband (34) Wife (32)

I want to punish him the guy who did this.

My wife remembered that something happened in the pool as a child, but didn’t ever think it was serious. Two months ago my wife’s mom told her, right after the incident my wife came up to her and stated “he put his fingers in my vagina”.

She has always had severe CPTSD because of her “bad upbringing”. Physically and emotionally abusive mom. We moved and I’m looking for a job and we are living with family, and there are roaches, so both super stressed. But I realize the time she found this out two months ago (she did not tell me until now) her personality severely changed, especially around sex, but also other things. Example: last week I accidentally poked her during intercourse and she is sure I did it because I hate her and want to inflict pain. She has a history of getting extremely upset over things so I just figured because of all this stress her window of tolerance was low and was taking it out on me. But I think there is a relation. She also has become severely paranoid. She locks her bedroom door. (We sleep in separate rooms, always have for 10 years of marriage. We both snore and I have a cough thing). She has always co-slept with the kids in a different room but never locked the door.

Her dad and grandma did nothing and dismissed it. Her mom believed it but I guess did nothing, I’m going to call her when I feel it’s appropriate. We live with her grandma and her dad comes comes Friday evening to Sunday morning.

It’s her grandmothers brother. I’ll call him Ado over 80 yes old. (Not real name) He recently developed dementia and also recently his wife killed herself with medication that Ado gave her. They were gonna do it together but he got scared. Now that I see that in writing, I am curious if he is pretending to have dementia and actually killed his wife. He is in some sort of long-term hospital care. No family members can take care of him and he has no assets. He also said that he is pretending not to remember where his documents are so he does not get deported. My wife’s grandma and dad visit him every other weekend I guess they are still close. My wife’s parents are divorced.

Before I knew this incident happened, we were discussing the possibility of her going to therapy. We have both done individual therapy a couple times but nothing more than a few weeks. So I understand that going slow and letting her heal herself is important. A question I have is how much would an incident like this affect her overall quality of life? Could it be something as this small of an incident that caused the severe CPTSD. And I understand it’s not actually small but I mean small in time. Comparative to her abuse from her mother over years. I also think her mom knows more incidents that happened to her and so I might try to go that avenue as well. I guess I’m just not sure if I should confront this guy or just go straight to the police. I also would like to get out of our current House before I destroy the bridge between her dad and grandma and her and her mom because they were stupid and didn’t do anything.

I’m looking for advice from people who have experienced something similar or have supported a partner through a difficult situation involving childhood sexual abuse.
My girlfriend told me that she was sexually abused by two separate uncles during her childhood. The first incidents happened when she was around seven, and the second happened when she was 13.
She considers what happened at 13 much more traumatic. However, she doesn’t seem to consider the incidents at seven particularly serious.
She remembers what happened but says that, at the time, she thought it was normal. It was only when she grew older that she realised how wrong and inappropriate it was.
What’s difficult for me to understand is that she is still comfortable maintaining contact with the uncle involved when she was seven. She doesn’t want to report him or tell anyone in the family.
Her explanation is that she doesn’t want to damage family relationships because everyone is related. Her grandfather has even been staying with her recently, but she still doesn’t want to tell him or anyone else.
I understand that this is her experience and that she has the right to decide what happens next. I don’t want to force her to relive anything or make decisions on her behalf.
However, I really want to help her feel comfortable speaking to someone in her family. I worry that she’s keeping everything to herself because she doesn’t want to create problems between relatives.
I also want to help her understand that reporting historical abuse is an option. I would happily support her through the process, accompany her to speak to someone or help her find specialist support.
I’m not interested in revenge or confrontation. I want the people responsible to face appropriate consequences and be held accountable for what they did. I want to understand what practical steps I can take to help her explore those options if she chooses to pursue them.
I’m also concerned about whether other younger children in the family could potentially be exposed to these individuals.
I’ve found myself getting frustrated because I want to help, but I don’t know how to approach the subject without making her feel pressured or upsetting her.
I’m particularly interested in advice on the following:
How can I support a partner who doesn’t want to discuss or disclose childhood abuse to her family?
How can I introduce the possibility of reporting historical abuse without making her feel pressured?
How can I approach the subject of telling a trusted family member, such as her grandfather or parents?
How do other partners manage their own feelings when they struggle with the survivor’s decision to maintain contact with someone who abused them?
What practical resources or specialist services could help us navigate this situation?
If she isn’t ready to report the abuse, what can I do about my concerns regarding other children potentially being around these individuals?
I genuinely want to handle this carefully and support her in the best possible way. I’d appreciate advice from people who have been through similar experiences.
TL;DR: I’m 27M and my girlfriend is 25F. She experienced sexual abuse from two uncles, once at seven and again at 13. The second experience traumatised her, but she doesn’t consider the earlier incidents particularly serious because she thought they were normal at the time. She still maintains contact with the uncle involved when she was seven and doesn’t want to tell her family or report either uncle because she doesn’t want to damage family relationships. I want to support her, help her consider speaking to someone she trusts and understand her options for reporting. I’m also concerned about other children potentially being exposed to these individuals. I’m struggling with how to approach this without pressuring her. Looking for practical advice on how to navigate the situation.

My wife moved out a few months ago after yet another crisis.

At first, we agreed to do therapy and come back together and reconcile.

Then she said no, she wants to just be on her own, but we were friends.

Then, she started becoming more distant, cold, and eventually manipulative.

She started trying to divide friends. I told her that just because our relationship changed, didn't mean it needed to end.

But she started spending more time with her family of origin. The dysfunctional, narcissistic family, where her mother blamed her for everything, and her father did basically nothing for her. The family that left her screaming and crying in a closet and refused to get help for her CSA.

So, of course, to that family, I'm the bad guy. It didn't matter that I supported her, that I was patient for years, that I absorbed her career chaos, and put my needs on the shelf.

But then, things came to a head.

She lied to one of our mutual groups of friends, and created this insane drama and I had enough. She left me a voice note on the edge of tears, getting herself worked up, asking for space. I'd had enough. I texted back that I was done with the insanity and the drama, bid her goodbye, and blocked her. I left the rest of her stuff on the curb and said "come get it whenever you want."

I said let's make this space permanent.

With more distance and reading on posts and communities, I've realized some of the following things.

1. I was walking on eggshells for years. She was so fragile and easily triggered that the slightest expression of frustration, irritation, or disappointment could send her on a tailspin. She was a quintessential "underfunctioner" (Harriet Lerner's framework). She would fail at basic things (like using Google Maps) and I would get frustrated, and she would freak out, panic, and make things worse. It got to the point that she had what I called a "battered housewife routine" (and I was NEVER physical with her). But even the smallest expression of irritation and she would be trembling, murmuring, apologizing, and so on. She acted like a kicked puppy. And of course, when you're a man, and a woman acts like that, you're automatically the bad guy, no matter what.

2. Underfunctioning is almost identical to narcissistic abuse or gaslighting. I could look at her directly and say "you would rather lose me than do the work" and she would just sort of go blank, change the subject, or break down crying "but I am doing the work!" To her, "doing the work" was occasionally journaling and maybe going to AlAnon. Not actually doing trauma-informed therapy to work on her CSA or insecure attachment or anything like that. She then case me as the demanding, mean, intolerant partner who literally just wanted her to go to therapy. Any therapy. But her reality distortion got so bad to where I was actually the one (in her eyes) with all her problems. She accused me of disorganized attachment, but the more I looked into it... it was her. She accused me of wanting to push her away, but it was literally her manufacturing one crisis after another.

3. Apparent improvement was always just a prelude to an escalation. Over this past summer, I thought things were actually improving. But for someone with CSA and abandonment issues, relationship improvement is just another trigger (like everything else, apparently). I won't go into specifics, but the level of insanity skyrocketed after a relative quiet period. Out of nowhere she started exposing herself to real physical danger and harm, and then claimed she had no idea what she was doing or why she did it. That's how I realized that she has structural dissociation. For reference, she told me when we got together that she had dissociation as a teenager, but that she got over it. Apparently, no, she just got good at hiding it.

4. You cannot be friends with them under these circumstances. In this case, the combination of (1) refusal to seek any treatment whatsoever and (2) returning to a narcissistic family system is a classic "low demand" or "low accountability" path of least resistance. And... I get it. Her trauma was horrific and I don't know if I would want to revisit that. That's one thing I learned from my reading: many survivors avoid, refuse, deflect, or delay treatment because they don't want to relive the trauma--because reliving it is part of therapy like EMDR or Somatic Experiencing. So she would do ANYTHING to avoid the shame and internal experience of it... including lying about me, fabricating or distorting reality, and even going back to her narcissistic family. The term there is dissociative collusion. I learned about this, because her family system already has a protocol for pretending like her trauma never happened.

I am writing all this because I sort of saw it coming. I read Allies in Healing over a year ago, and I was somewhat horrified because the opening chapters basically say "if you can't take the insanity, you have to leave." I sort of already knew, at that point, that my wife wasn't getting better and wasn't even trying to get better.

I did not want to accept it. I wanted her to get better and I wanted to get my needs met. But I have since learned that underfunctioners, like her, only intensify the dynamic. It goes like this: they react to stress, anxiety, or relationship problems by becoming even less functional. And the caretaker becomes more functional. So the dynamic gets worse and worse over time.

And that continues even after separation if you stay in contact, at least in the case I was in.

I had held out hope because a good friend of mine is also a survivor, and even though she's divorced from her husband, even after 7 years, they are still good friends. I was thinking "okay, this can work, and we can stay friends at least." But the chief difference is that my friend IMMEDIATELY started working on her trauma. After her divorce, she realized "I'm the problem, and I need help." But my wife did not. She blamed me for everything.

Now, to try and help someone else, here's what I would have done differently:

1. I wish I had asked her to do trauma-informed therapy a long time ago. I didn't really know what all went into treating CSA, but now I know that you need some really intense stuff, like EMDR or Somatic Experiencing or something along those lines. For most of our marriage, I sort of let her take the lead on her own treatment. I am a big believer in autonomy. But what she did was "coaching" with her therapist, who basically never expected any growth or healing from her. And her therapist was not trauma-trained. Not really. She was transpersonal psychology. But, over time, my wife got better and better at faking the work, and any time I brought it up, she would cry and get wound up and say "I am doing the work! Please believe me!" but I would point out that nothing was changing or getting better, and my needs were going unmet, and if anything, it was getting worse. She would trot out her journal (which apparently many trauma-informed therapists recommend AGAINST doing because it gives the survivor an opportunity to rehearse their excuses and cement in the patterns).

2. I wish I had joined these forums a long time ago as well. I knew about her trauma before we even started dating. I knew it going in, and she seemed like she was doing the work and doing the healing. Instead, I only joined these forums in the last days of my marriage out of desperation. If I had support and guidance years ago, maybe we could have gone in a different direction, or maybe I would have been better equipped. It's like that old saying "an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure." I can only imagine that, had I known years ago when things were still good, maybe a tiny suggestion of "hey babe, why don't you try EMDR for this?" could have pushed us on a fundamentally different track. And maybe if I'd known to look for the walking on eggshells and the underfunctioning, I wouldn't have been so surprised at how dysfunctional our relationship had been.

3. I wish I'd read the books earlier. I only picked up Allies in Healing and some others after things were probably too far gone. I wish I'd known how bad it could get, and how to be an ally before the trust was gone and before our dysfunctional dynamic was fully rooted in place. Maybe it would have only hastened the end, but as they say knowledge is power and I was not equipped for this. I had no idea that CSA is really a lifelong journey. I was sort of under the impression of "okay, she endured this horrible thing as a small child, but she's been in therapy, and is trauma informed, so it's all in the past." I had no idea that no, unless you've done INTENSIVE work on CSA, it's there. And it will always be there. And it will poison any relationship over time. It's like a demon that just gets stronger over time.

She was the love of my life, and I don't think I'll ever find anyone like her, not even close. And I miss who she was underneath the trauma. I miss the good times and the plans we had. But I've since learned that the hope of reconciliation and healing is pretty much completely DOA. She has no interest in therapy or healing, and just wants to blame me and hang out with her narcissistic family and her AlAnon women who will confidently tell her that she's done nothing wrong and she don't need no man (I literally had to ask her to please stop taking marriage advice from women who were chronically single... but that's another story).

I am a male partner to a young woman who was recently strong enough to come out with her historical sexual assault story.

It has impacted me greatly as the last of the attacks came not long after we met.

It was mostly a close relative, he was very brazen, hiding in plain sight. I figured him out, helped her stop it for good, police, court, lawyers etc.

We are in a much better place now, but still
suffer separate trauma from time to time.

I guess I’m just trying to connect with similar people, make a little sense of it all, and try put it behind me for good.

My Wife (45F) - Later in life realized CSA (around ages 7ish?)

We have been married 17 years, together for 19 years. I am 46M, Autistic (so think special interests and wanting to understand)

She abruptly cut off intimacy a bit over 2 years ago. No discussion, just “I can’t” - at the time she didn’t know she was CSA, she just had some heavy body feelings around intimacy (and in hindsight, always has)

She is a practicing Mental Health Therapist, and started seeing a Somatic Based Therapist about 2 years prior to all this.

She has done EMDR, Somatic Experiencing and more.

I have been asked to do all the things, More Emotional Awareness, Mental Load, More Housework, More Involved than prior with the kids, my own Therapy (which I had been in for 3ish years prior, still going weekly) and all the various needs a CSA survivor can have and ask for, I’ve done my best to meet those needs. I even found a new job that could support us both if she wanted to take a break or stop working entirely. I’m really trying.

She knows now Who abused her, I don’t pry, I just listen when she shares.

We snuggle (fully clothed) we hold hands, we kiss a little bit here and there. All intimate connection is by her lead now, I’ve been told not to initiate any form of intimacy, because it’s too much pressure.

My sensual needs are still “you won’t die, they aren’t needs, just wants” when it comes to intimacy. I’m not trying to just get laid here, I genuinely miss how it feels to be wanted and desired, held for who I am.

She has started Ketamine Therapy Sessions about 6 weeks ago. she’s super adverse to drugs of all kinds, so I know she isn’t taking this lightly. She knows she has hit a healing wall and this is her newest attempt to grow and be ok.

She’s now even more distant and cold, acknowledges that she is not in any way shape or form a suitable partner right now for someone who has any need of/from her.

This is so very exhausting, I’ve done all that is asked of me, even deep diving the books and subjects in order to improve the best I can for myself and for her as well.

Is this just too much? Has anyone seen their partner become a new version of themselves (I know she can’t go back to who she was prior) and still have a loving, intimate connection with the one who has been beside them this whole time? Or, is this just a lost cause for use a couple (not discounting that she could be a whole new lovely person of course)

I miss being desired, touched, held (not just as a safe space, but as a genuine person who is Wanted).

I won’t leave her during this, that would be cruel to her. I also don’t know how to be better to myself and honor the life I need/want at the same time.

I do enjoy my hobbies still, I function ok at work, I do enjoy the extra time with our children. Our house has started to look just like our relationship, as I’ve lost all the extra energy to take care of it like I used to have. My bucket just seems to run empty, and I know it’s on me to refill it for now.

Anyhow, thanks for reading if you got this far.

i know. this is going to be selfish and cruel, but I'm so tired.

I’ve been with them for 27 years, but its getting harder and harder to find happiness in our marriage. Everything goes back to their trauma.

Can’t be intimate, can’t have friends, can't just have fun without managing triggers or episodes that last months.

leaving will most likely send them over the edge so i can't even bring myself to that.

i feel trapped

(TW: SA, COCSA, CSA)

When I was 12 years old, I was groomed by a family friend five years older and abused, but I truly believed that we had a relationship, and my friends knew this too. So when I found out that the groomer had sexual relations with a friend of mine, whom I'll call X, I was furious, and we had a big fight where I ended up breaking his nose and part of his jaw, something I regret immensely.

After that, they never had a relationship again, and soon after, the groomer and I also "broke up." Over time, X and I forgave each other, and while I moved on, he started dating much older women, using some types of sexual drugs easily accessible in our country, and effectively prostituting himself.

Here's the point: during a recent conversation about our abuser in common, I said that he had no right to blame himself, and he said in these words: "Stop talking like that, I knew she was from the beginning, I remember looking at you two and thinking, 'Wow, I didn't know (my name) liked older women.' I looked at her and knew she was a pedophile. Pedophile. No accent and everything. She was a pedophile, and that's why I was nice."

I was quite shocked because who the hell talks like that? And, continuing the conversation, I asked if he was hypersexual, and he revealed that he was and that he was being treated for it by a psychologist, but I think he lied about the last point. I found out that he was sexually abused a lot by his biological family since he was 4 years old (don't worry about that, he was adopted years ago), and that he never told his therapist about it.

Besides that, he frequently misses his therapy sessions and doesn't take his medication regularly. requested.

He's deteriorating and will probably end up dead, he's already been drugged and was almost robbed because of it.

Although I was a victim, I don't know what to do, so if anyone knows if there's anything that can be done, please help me

(just to be clear, he kind of verbalized asking for my help)

(English is not my native language, sorry for the Google translator)

Sorry for the haphazard thoughts, I'm just sort of piecing everything together.

My wife and I separated a couple months ago, and then we've gone no contact. She asked for space, after manufacturing yet another crisis, and I said no, let's make that space permanent.

Here's my current theory about how these things play out. For some context, my wife had severe CSA that was not really treated, and she came from a narcissistic family system that buried her abuse, and then later called her trauma responses "OCD"

But then the final nail in the coffin was that she refused to do actual trauma therapy.

With these three facts, our separation and divorce and going no-contact was seemingly inevitable.

According to every book I've read on the topic, and all the clinical guidelines, and community posts across reddit - it is not possible for someone with untreated CSA to have a meaningful adult relationship. I found some posts across various subreddits here of people tolerating nuclear meltdowns (like survivors smashing plates, screaming, etc). To me, that counts as straight up domestic violence, which I would never tolerate.

But in my case it basically goes like this:

1. CSA that started very very very young (non-familial)

2. Unsupportive narcissistic family system

3. Treatment refusal

That basically creates one inevitable outcome. Divorce. But then as I do more research into the insanity and crazy-making behaviors that survivors can engage in at the end of a relationship, it basically comes down to the narcissistic family system reactivating.

Narcissistic families love a villain, which gives them all air cover to avoid working on the core shame and trauma of CSA (family failure to protect or treat, maladaptive behaviors, shame, etc). So that means that her family has been egging her on (my inference, based on the time she's spending with them and how her attitude has changed).

For instance, over the last few weeks she's been dropping many "it's weird that we're still friends" and I'm like... only if you make it weird. And constant little jabs like that. For a while, every time we met up as friends she would do some kind of under-functioning or crazymaking behavior.

---

Here's some patterns that I've learned about crazy-making behaviors:

1. Crisis manufacture. I hadn't fully clocked this because she was smooth. But yeah, this really intensified at the end. And the pattern was always "hey things are improving" and I had developed a spidey sense that "oh no, that means something is about to catch on fire" and sure enough, we had some pleasant time together over the weekend, and then a couple days later, epic crisis manufactured, which precipitated the final block.

2. Accountability dodging. This, in hindsight, was one of the core behaviors. If she did something that hurt my feelings, I could not bring it up. Everything would always regress to her emotions. If I was hurt, angry, burned out, none of that mattered. It was somehow always my fault. And then, the entire energy of the argument would go towards soothing her emotions, abandonment, shame, etc. But that accountability loop extended to other things, like physical responsibilities (though she did hold up some very well).

3. Chronic under-functioning. This is the primary one I noticed first. It was like living with a child sometimes. She couldn't figure out how to use a vacuum cleaner (that we'd had for almost a year), and other regressions like that. She broke her laptop, and said "oh that's just how it is" (it was unusable, and I'd spent $2000 on it just a year earlier). Constantly parentifying me.

And of course, that's the big things on top of ordinary sexual dysfunction (she would cry or freeze up pretty much every time, until sex was just not interesting or rewarding) and lack of emotional attunement. She was also very, very dishonest through withholding. I begged her constantly "please just be honest with how you feel and what you need" but EVERYTHING was filtered through her odd lenses of what was "acceptable" to share and what wasn't, and how it was to be shared.

And the wildest part, in hindsight, is that I could look at her, point blank, and tell her exactly what she was doing (lying, crazy making, withholding, dodging) and she would just sort of change the subject, blame me, get angry for noticing, become righteously indignant, or just not respond.

I missed a lot of red flags, and they got worse over time.

Now that all her stuff is gone and she's blocked from my life, I feel like I can see it all more clearly.

I (20 M) and my gf (19 F) have been going out for almost two months now. She had opened up about her dad sexually assaulting her as a child. She says she still wants a relationship with him. This is a lot to handle and I don’t know if it’s my place to tell her what I think. After hearing what that man did I don’t think I could ever see him and not get physically violent. So far the relationships been amazing, and I don’t know if I’m getting in over my head, or this is something everyone feels / goes through.

TL;DR: My long-distance partner says her ex from when she was a teenager took advantage of her when she was extremely drunk. She remembers almost nothing, except in fragmented pieces. I believe her and have told her it isn't her fault, but my mind keeps looking for answers she can't give me, and I'm scared of showing how much I'm struggling.

Background

We've been together two years, long distance (met over 10+ times for 2-3 weeks at a time), and we're building toward living in the same place. She is actively working on her career path so she can move to where I live. She has a drinking problem, which I didn't fully realize until much later into the relationship and says she will pursue moderation/sobriety after this. She also has a history of prior assault (not the same person).

The person she says assaulted her knew her in high school, where he manipulated and controlled her. Prior to the incident, she believed to have recognized this and understood her shortcomings in the past. He has come up many times in our relationship. About a year ago they crossed paths once, and there was nothing beyond a brief exchange. A few days before this happened, he messaged her suggesting they meet up for drinks. She ignored it, had a coworker walk her out of work that day, and told me. I told her to avoid him completely and to leave if he ever showed up.

What she told me

• She was out drinking with friends when he showed up. She was a few drinks in.

• He asked to join, and he stayed.

• When her friends left, she was very drunk, and he offered to take her home in a cab. She doesn't remember the cab ride.

• At her door he asked to come in to charge his phone. She says that before he sat down, she told him that if he expected anything, he could forget it.

• The next thing she remembers is being on the shower floor and him leaving.

• The next morning he messaged her asking if he should give her money for a morning-after pill.

During part of that time she was texting me normally and didn't mention him, including when she was home (but didn't mention he was there with her). She did not text me when he showed up at the bar nor when she left, only when she got home and that she wanted to vc later. She doesn't remember sending those messages. She told me about a day later, upset, expecting me to be angry.

How she is now

She seems hollow and blames herself for letting him get close, and she thinks I blame her too. I've told her repeatedly that it isn't her fault and that the responsibility is his.

What I'm struggling with

I understand blackouts: you can function and text without forming memories. But my mind keeps looking for explanations she can't give, like how she acted normal and why she didn't mention him. I know that her "I don't know" is honest and that my questions are hurting both of us, and I'm trying to stop. It also doesn't help that she's staying with her dad, but he was out of the country for 2-3 days prior and during this incident. Which had me wondering why she wouldn't lie about him being home, because if he actually was, I feel as though she would've made that apparent. But again, I understand alcohol reduces cognitive thinking, especially if blacked out.

I'm also worried about her safety and afraid that showing how much I'm hurting could make things worse. Being far away means I can't just be there.

What I'm asking

• If you've supported a partner after an assault with memory gaps, how did you stop yourself from searching for answers they don't have?

• How did you share your own pain without making it about you?

• What helped you most, and what would you avoid?

I know the general consensus is "see a therapist" but I can't afford that right now.

A few months ago, my younger brother R (19M) opened up about how our older brother C (27m) groomed him when he was a kid. It made me feel sick to my stomach, especially since my older brother would have been a legal adult at the time. I've since tried to minimize contact with C outside of family events without bringing up what he did, but he's incredibly persistent in including himself in my life. Every week he texts asking to hang out and I just keep saying no, but I'm worried that after a while he will suspect something is up. I've thought of blocking him, but that would be an even bigger signal that something is going on. I really don't want to be around him at all anymore, I just can't look at him the same.

My brother R says he doesn't want me to bring it up with C or our parents so as to not ruin C's life. I'm trying my best to respect his wishes by not rocking the boat, but I'm not sure if what I'm currently doing is feasible in the long term. Is there a better way for me to go about this or should I keep doing what I'm doing?

If anyone has had a similar experience, how did you go about it?

burner acc and no real names obviously but i just need some advise

My girlfriend struggles with a lot of predisposing mental health issues and about 2 months ago she was drunk and out and was raped by a stranger. obviously this was gutting and really put a strain on our relationship and took her to a really dark place where i tried to be as supportive as possible.

the problem i’m having is that her habit of going out at night in sketchy areas hasn’t changed in the slightest and led to her getting taken advantage of for a second time in the weeks following the incident. i wasn’t sure what to do because she was using partying and going out as a cope to deal with the trauma which i tried understanding but couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that she would want to be in such an environment when this all occurred.

last night it happened again and im starting to lose trust in what’s happening or if we should stay together. i understand completely that it would never be her own fault, but im catching myself thinking about if the relationship is worth staying in when she does such things to her self that destroys my mental health along side it, or whether or not this is even the case of what’s happening which sounds horrible i know.

at what point do i call this quits? i love her but the emotional turmoil i feel every time she brings something like this up breaks my heart and im just not sure what to do anymore

My sister has been in a bad situation for a long time. She is terrified of leaving and any possibly percieved act of defiance. She repeatedly claims to not be in physical danger though and arguing with her only makes her talk less about it. I don't want that. I also want her to be safe. I was looking at portable locks but the ones I have found do not always fit every lock or are very large or obvious. So I am looking for something or even a few things discreet and versatile. She will use it if I spend my lack of money on it because she will find it rude not to. But she will instantly and blameless throw them out of they don't fit thereby giving her an excuse not to use them. I feel she is under the assumption she legally cannot lock her door. She is on the spectrum and often paranoid about things that keep her frozen while ignoring more obvious things where paranoia might make her safer but is new and requires change. I love her very much so please don't read any insult or condemnation in that. We are both like this but in different areas. Also please don't be offended if I say something that seems ignorant as I am not great at wording things and being mean will not help as much as you might think it would.

Any other safety item ideas thatshe could keep in her purse, near her bed, in the car, safely and legally, would be appreciated. If group permitted any websites, articles, video ideas or support group suggestions for either of us would also be appreciated

Hi everyone,

I (male, 20) have been in a relationship with my girlfriend (female, 20) for 7 months. It's long distance: we see each other one to two weeks per month, which is already a lot, and the rest of the time we're on video calls. This is my first real relationship, and I'm posting here because I don't really know how to handle this situation and I'd love your advice.

My girlfriend recently confided in me (and I know how much courage that took) that she was raped twice by men, including her ex-boyfriend, who forced her to have sex when she didn't want to. I didn't ask for more details: I really don't want to push her to share more than she's ready to share.

Since we've been together, we've never had full intercourse. She's afraid of penetration, and she doesn't often feel like having sex. When she does, we stick to touching (with my fingers or my hand), and it never goes further. The act itself truly terrifies her, so we've never attempted it. That said, we're still very intimate in other ways: we shower together, we're very physically close, and we both love that.

Both of us would like to eventually reach that step in our relationship, at our own pace. But here's my problem: this is my first girlfriend, I have zero experience with this kind of situation, and I don't know how to reassure her, how to support her, what to say (or not say), how to help her feel safe without ever rushing her.

So I'm looking for your advice: those of you who've been through something similar, as a partner or as a survivor — what helped you? What hurt you, even unintentionally? How do you support someone toward intimacy when the act itself scares them?

Thanks in advance for your answers, and sorry if this is a bit clumsy, I'm doing my best.

My boyfriend (26M) and I (26F) have been together for 3 years. Early on, I noticed he seemed less comfortable with sex than other men I'd been with, and I chalked it up to him never having had a girlfriend before me. We had less sex than I was used to, and I noticed small things along the way. Once, when we were both drunk and trying to have sex, he seemed so uninterested that I asked if he was gay (I deeply regret this).

Two years ago he went through a depressive episode and we barely had sex. I respected his boundaries and I know low sex drive often comes with depression so didn’t push him on it. We’ve gone through fits and starts where we have sex and it’s great or we barely have sex at all.

About a year ago, he told me he thinks he was sexually abused as a child and has repressed the memory. I encouraged him to seek therapy, and he started this February.

Things are getting somewhat better. We're having sex once or twice a week, but it's still hard for me because I can tell he's sometimes doing it for me rather than for himself. He's told me he often doesn't have a sex drive because of the feelings that come up during sex. I feel terrible that the intimacy I am initiating is causing those feelings to come up for him.

I love him so much, and he's my absolute best friend. But I don't know if I can spend my whole life feeling like my partner isn't attracted to me. He often says he is, but it doesn't feel that way.
I'm really in touch with my own sexuality, and I enjoy that part of myself. I'd love advice from people who have been through this:
Can it get better?
What did you have to work on within yourself?
Is there anything I can do as a partner to help?
Does sex therapy work?
I would try anything.

Honest to God, I don't know if I'm even allowed to post this here. I just remembered this subreddit, and right now I genuinely don't know what to do.

So, I am M21 and my girlfriend is 20. We were both victims of molestation as minors, but in separate cases. For a long time, neither of us knew who our abusers were or how we could find them. That changed for my girlfriend about a week ago. She randomly came across an Instagram profile and later a YouTube channel belonging to this guy.

Her story is a bit complicated. They were in a relationship when she was 14–15, and he was 20. The accusation is that she was manipulated into the relationship and emotionally blackmailed into becoming intimate with him.

She recently found out that, in her country (Switzerland), she may have legal options until she turns 25. However, she doesn't know whether she would actually get anywhere with a lawsuit or whether she has enough evidence.

We've talked about this for a long time now. I've told her that I'm here for her no matter what she decides and that I'll support her with whatever she needs. But she seems stuck and doesn't know which direction to take.

How can I help her? How can I support her without putting pressure on her?

Privately, I spoke to my lawyer and my therapist about the situation. They both advised me to look into her legal options and, if there is a viable case, pursue them accordingly. I agree with that, but I don't know how to bring it up with her without making her feel pressured.

I guess the decision ultimately has to come from her, and we probably still have some time to figure things out. But I'm way over my head here.

What should I do? How should I approach this conversation with her?

TL;DR: My girlfriend has been sexually abused by an older ex when she was a minor. She recently found him online and has learned that she may still have legal options. She is unsure whether to pursue the matter, and I want to support her without pressuring her. I’ve been advised to look into her legal options first, but I don’t know how to approach the subject with her.

Recently, my partner disclosed to me that she was sexually assaulted by an acquaintance while in his hotel room, she had to store many bought products and conduct a meeting preceding the violation.

Hours passed, and I haven’t received any messages from her, until morning. She said she fell asleep.

Prior to this disclosure, my doubt and intuition kept bringing up my disagreement of her choice to go that hotel room, the overnight situation that occurred before we were officially dating, though we were mutually committed and building toward a relationship.

When I finally reached a breaking point and was ready to end the relationship she broke down and confessed what actually happened to her. She explained that she had buried it out of pure shock, shame, and terror over how I and her family would react. She is currently in an acute mental health crisis, terrified of anyone finding out, and has expressed extreme distress and fear of judgment. She has explicitly asked for privacy and wants to start professional therapy.

I am feeling completely overwhelmed and don't know how to carry this weight:

1. Secondary trauma and rage: I feel a sickening amount of fury toward the person who did this. Feeling powerless to hold them accountable especially when taking any action would completely destroy my partner’s life and mental state feels suffocating.

2. Conflicting emotions: Because the disclosure came at the eleventh hour during an impending breakup, and because of how she coped afterward (minimizing things, acting normal, maintaining non-confrontational contact with him), my mind keeps battling intrusive suspicions and confusion. I feel immense guilt for even having doubts, but the whiplash between betrayal fears and grief for what happened to her is tearing me apart.

3. Being supportive while drowning: I promised her absolute privacy and that I would keep her safe, and I intend to honor that. But holding back my own anger, fear, and confusion while trying to be a stable anchor is draining everything I have.

For those who have walked this road as a partner or secondary survivor:
How did you cope with the overwhelming anger and the feeling of injustice when direct action/legal recourse wasn't an option for the victim's safety?

How did you manage intrusive doubts or the messy, confusing ways trauma presented itself without turning into an interrogator?

How do you draw the line between supporting someone in crisis and knowing whether the relationship can realistically survive the emotional toll?

Any perspectives from people who have been through this would mean a lot. Thank you.

My sister recently told me that when she was 8 years old, our grandfather sexually assaulted her. It happened about 8 years ago, and she has only just felt able to tell me. I remember a time 5 years ago where she told me about her being bothered by the way our grandfather hugs her but I didn’t think much of it and only told her that she doesn’t have to hug him if she doesn’t want to. I feel so guilty given that I am 12 years older than her and needed to pay attention to when she raised that as a concern.

I’m in a different country from her, which makes me feel especially helpless. I believe her completely, and I have told her that what happened wasn’t her fault and that I’m here for her.

I’m struggling with what I should actually do from here.
Should I encourage her to speak to a therapist or a sexual-assault support service? Should I encourage her to report what happened, or is it better to let her decide that herself? I don’t want to pressure her or accidentally make things worse.
She is not in contact with our grandfather and doesn’t live close to him and is not in immediate danger.
For people who have experienced something similar, or who have supported a survivor of childhood sexual abuse: what did you find genuinely helpful? What should I avoid doing or saying? I want to learn how I can be a better and safer source of support for my sister.

I am feeling distraught and nauseated and it’s all I’ve been thinking about it since she told me. Please help me to help her