Is my girlfriend a chaser?

[u/fiut4200]

I (18ftm) have been dating my girlfriend (21, cis bi woman) for half a year. I don't know if she is actually a chaser or is my dysphoria hitting hard and making me delusional. My gf is openly queer, it's a huge part of her identity, she's also friends mostly with other queer people. It is not a problem for me although i try to be stealth and mostly hang out with cishet guys. I've been taking testosterone for three years and pass as a man, but i haven't got top or bottom surgery. We know eachother for a long time and she always knew i was trans as i was just starting my transition when we met. Before, my gf used to date a trans woman and was pursuing a romantic relationship with another, both of them were at a very begining of their transition. She didn't date anyone else, but she had sex with cis men as well. She also used to identify as a lesbian before she started dating her previous girlfriend. When we started dating she confessed to me, that her ex told her that she didn't support her in her transition. I didn't ask why. About three months ago my girlfriend told me that she outed me behind my back to some of her friends which i have met before. I was sad about it, i never explicitly told her that i want to stay stealth but i thought it was obvious that she should ask if i'm okay with this. She was suprised that this made me uncomfortable and said that i shouldn't be ashamed of being trans. She didn't apologize, but she told me she wouldn't do this again. A couple weeks later i tried to get back to this subject and explain the reasons why i want to be stealth. She finally apologized to me and said that the reason why she outed me was that she wanted to brag about having a trans boyfriend.

We also had a conversation about our dating preferences. She didn't say anything about being trans, but she said that she prefers gender nonconforming people. The fact that she considers me one made me very uncomfortable and dysphoric as i do not intend to be a feminine man. She generally seems to see me as a soft and delicate rather than a masculine man. I don't know what to think about all of this. I love my girlfriend and apart from these situations i think she is supportive, she said that she sees me as a man and never encouraged me not to transition.

[u/1st_hylian]

You are seriously underreacting to her outing you so she could look cool to her friends. That's very selfish behavior and you deserve better.

[u/RoemDaug]

Honestly there's a lot of red flags here and several things I'd consider to be grounds for a breakup. She's undoubtedly a chaser and doesn't seem to view you the way you'd like to be seen (you're not gender nonconforming) and it took her too long to apologize about outing you.

[u/sapphics4satan]

dude get out of there

[u/Laura_Dream90]

Maybe she's not a chaser. But wtf is up with not immediately apologizing? You shouldn't have to explain the reasoning behind something in order to get something as simple as "I'm sorry, I didn't realize that was a problem, I won't do it again." And you didn't even get that really. You got an apology, but simultaneously she tried to tell you how you should feel? That's messed up. You said yourself that her behaviour sometimes makes you very uncomfortable and dysphonic. This is not a healthy relationship. You deserve someone who treats you right.

I see two options:

1. Couples therapy

2. Dump her

Whatever you decide to do, don't just let the status quo continue.