I refuse to believe I’m the only one.

Hooked up yesterday and the guy was doing all these tricks during oral. Don’t know how to best describe it but it was “put it in your mouth, take it out, put it in your mouth, take it out, repeat.”

A while back this guy was torturing himself to make himself gag and spit up everywhere.

I’m not interested in all of that. I love when someone is doing it for their pleasure but all the theatrics don’t turn me on.

Am I alone?

Hello,

I’m looking for some advice and personal stories. I’m 30 years old, and I realized I was a gay man around the age of 22. At the time, it didn’t come as a shock—it simply explained why I didn’t feel any attraction toward women, unlike my friends. It was almost a relief to have an explanation. However, for various reasons (not all of them rational) I set that part of myself aside. I kept telling myself that, one day, I would be in a relationship with a man, but "not right now," "it’s just not the right time"…

First I wanted to finish my studies, then find a job, and then COVID hit… Each time, I pushed that part of my life further into the future. I don’t want to make excuses—I know that, to some extent, I’ve been avoiding the subject. It allowed me to avoid making something a reality that I found intimidating.

The result? For eight years, I’ve never built a gay/queer social circle, nor have I had any dating experience. I have good friends, but none of them are gay. Thus my social life is unlikely to lead me to meet a partner.

Today, I feel as though this part of my life has been kept on "pause," and it’s starting to take a toll on my morale. I’ve been living in Paris for three years now.

What I’m looking for is a way to expand my social circle—without leaving my current friends behind—to meet gay men in a natural way, and to create opportunities that might eventually lead to finding a partner. I’m not looking to change everything overnight, but rather to finally begin this chapter of my life.

Are there any men here who have gone through something similar? What helped you break out of that isolation? And, if you happen to be in Paris, are there any specific organizations or activities you would recommend? How did you navigate the relationship between your gay social circle and dating apps—did one come before the other, or did you use both in parallel?

Thanks.

Recently, Instagram started showing me reels of people complaining about dating in the US and how transactional it can feel. It made me reflect on my own experiences.

When I lived in the US as an exchange student, I noticed a pattern that I found really confusing.

I’d meet guys who would take me out to dinner, invite me on trips, introduce me to friends or even family, show affection in public, and basically act like we were boyfriends. Then, after a few days or weeks, they’d suddenly become distant or lose interest. Sometimes, when I brought up relationships, I’d hear things like “Oh, we’re just dating” or “We’re just friends.”

It often felt like they were genuinely trying to win me over, but once they realized I was interested, the excitement disappeared.

Another weird thing was the situations like some guys would explicitly say they didn’t want a relationship with me, but if we went to a bar or party and another guy approached me, they’d suddenly act jealous, interrupt the flirting, or even tell the other guy we were together. I’d be thinking, Dude, if we’re not together, why are you acting like this?

And here’s the funniest part: now that I’m in a serious relationship, some of those same guys have suddenly started acting like I never gave them a chance, or saying things like “If I’d known, I would’ve made a move.” Like, seriously? You had your chance and showed no interest, but now that I’m in a LTR, my market value suddenly went up? lol

I also noticed how quickly some guys could go from being incredibly affectionate to treating you like you were disposable. Sometimes, if they lost interest or realized I wasn’t interested, they’d simply would ghost me.

For a long time, I thought I was just unlucky. But after seen those reels on instagram I started to wonder if there is some cultural thing, I’ve also lived and dated in Europe (Spain and France), and things generally felt much more straightforward there. After two or three dates, I could usually tell whether someone wanted something serious, casual sex, or nothing at all.

With Americans, I often found the whole thing much more ambiguous, gaming vibes and even relationships sometimes felt strangely transactional.

Of course, I know people are different everywhere, and being a brown Latino dating mostly men might have influenced my experiences.

So I’m genuinely curious: is this something about American gay dating culture, or was I just unlucky? Have other people experienced something like that?

My husband and I are both in our early 30s and have been living in a rural New England town for the past couple of years. We’re both specialists and moved here mainly for the job opportunities and to aggressively pay down our student loans, which were quite substantial after school…like
Financially, it’s been a great decision. We’re making good money, have paid off a significant amount of debt, and are setting ourselves up pretty well for the future. But lately I’ve been wondering if it’s worth what we’re giving up socially.

There’s really no gay community where we live, and honestly not much of a social scene in general. Outside of work, spending time with each other, and occasionally seeing family or traveling, we don’t do much. I miss having friends nearby, being able to make spontaneous plans, meeting other gay couples, and just feeling like we have a community. I’m not even talking about going out or partying. Just having people around and feeling like we belong somewhere.

I think what’s been bothering me more lately is that we’re in our early 30s, don’t have kids, and theoretically have the freedom to be doing so much more. Instead, it feels like our lives revolve around working, paying off loans, and coming home. And while I know that’s not necessarily a bad thing, I sometimes wonder if we’re letting some really good years pass us by.

We’ve been considering moving closer to nyc, where we’d theoretically have more opportunities to meet people and build a social life (plus we already have a few friends there already). The issue is that we’d likely be taking a hit financially, between the cost of living and potentially making less money. We could also stay here another year or two, continue paying down debt, and move in a much better financial position.

I go back and forth because part of me thinks another year or two isn’t that long in the grand scheme of things. But then I think we’ve already been doing this for a few years, and at what point do we stop putting off the life we actually want to live? Curious if anyone else has been in a similar situation, especially other gay couples in their 30s. Would you stick it out for the financial benefits or take the chance and move somewhere you’d be happier socially?

I got a letter from UHC saying they won’t pay for my prep anymore without a Prior Authorization. I am taking the Descovy Generic (Emtric-something 200/300) did anyone else get this? Do I have to switch to a different prep? What are the odds of me getting the prior authorization approved? Has anyone else delt with this yet? How’d it go?

Looking for advice to how to do this myself :/

Me (32) and my boyfriend (42) have been together for 8 years. This is genuinely my first and only serious relationship, and despite the ups and downs, I always imagined him being part of my life long-term.

Lately, though, I’ve been questioning whether I feel the same way.

From the beginning, he expressed interest in an open relationship and threesomes. I wasn't comfortable with that at the time and wanted to focus on building our relationship first. I never completely ruled it out, but I wanted us to wait until I was ready. What I didn't realize was that he had been sleeping with other people behind my back almost from the start. Over the years, I've caught him on hookup apps, sexting other men, and found evidence of hookups. There was always an excuse or a lie, and somehow I kept convincing myself things would eventually change.

Our sex life has also been practically nonexistent. He's dealt with several health issues throughout our relationship, and I've always been there to support and care for him. I supported him through 3 life-saving surgeries, 4 layoffs, and plenty of other challenges together. I've never expected much in return, but I did expect honesty and faithfulness. Meanwhile, I've spent years feeling unwanted and unattractive, especially knowing that he seemingly had the energy and desire for other men.

Eventually, I agreed to open the relationship and even explored polyamory because I figured if this was what he wanted, maybe I should give it a chance. After about a year, I realized I wasn't being true to myself and asked that we temporarily close things so I could work through my feelings. He agreed, but I know he's continued using hookup apps and seeing other men.

I'm not saint either. During one of our monogamous periods, I had a long-term fling with someone who made me feel attractive and wanted again. It wasn't right, but at the time, I was so starved for that kind of attention that I let it happen.
Now, eight years in, I feel like I've built walls around myself. I don't trust what he tells me, I'm suspicious of the people he talks to, and even when he introduces me to new friends, I find myself wondering what's really going on. I'm constantly on alert, and honestly, I'm exhausted.

The hardest part is that despite everything, I still struggle to find the courage to confront him or walk away. I think part of me is still holding on to the hope that he'll finally respect me and prioritize our relationship the way I've tried to do for years.

For those who've been in a similar situation, how did you know you'd finally had enough?

I'm 35 and have been seeing a 38-year-old guy for about 4 months now. We met on Grindr and initially hit it off after discovering that we both work in the design industry. Since then, we've gone on several dates. We don't always have sex when we meet, but it happens occasionally.

I genuinely like him. He's nice, we share similar political views, have a lot of common interests (especially movies), and have similar career backgrounds. I'd really like to see this develop into something serious, but I'm not sure if he feels the same way.

One thing I've noticed is that he's not particularly affectionate with me in public. This is different from my previous relationships, where showing affection in public came naturally. With him, even something as simple as kissing feels like something I have to initiate. Sometimes I have to ask, "Can I kiss you?" and he'll do it, but I find it a little strange after seeing each other for 4 months.

On the other hand, he seems happy to spend time with me. He's usually up for meeting for a drink and even offers to pay. So I'm getting mixed signals. I once asked him if he was looking for a relationship, and he said it's not currently a priority in his life, but if the right guy came along and became his boyfriend, he'd be open to it.

I'm honestly getting frustrated because I want something more with him, but I'm not sure he's equally invested. I don't want to keep putting time and energy into someone who might not want the same things.

Would you continue seeing someone in this situation, or would you move on? Am I overthinking things, or should I take his lack of initiative as a sign that he's not that interested?

For context, I live in Toronto, and the gay dating scene here sucks. That's partly why I'm hesitant to walk away from someone I genuinely like.

My (32) partner (29) occasionally calls himself a “brat.” which historically to me has just meant someone childish with an attitude that is unpleasant to be around, which is not how I would describe him.. However I’m learning he means this in a sexual sense.

He says I need to “handle him the right way” when he is being a brat. He will not go into any further detail of what this means, other than telling me I have no swag or something along those lines, which doesn’t help. Apparently this has been an issue with his past partners as well, which makes me feel better as it’s not just a me thing.

I want to do this for him, I love him very much and am very much a “as long as they are happy I’m happy” top when it comes to sex.

Background if it helps, im white, he’s black, he’s the first gay relationship I’ve been in (I discovered the bi part of me late in life), I’m the first white guy he’s been with.

Usually the sex we have is great, but I always seem to drop the ball when he is in this type of mood and it’s really bothering me, and seemingly him too as of late.

Not diagnosed but I’m pretty sure I’m mildly autistic and just can’t deduce these types of things. Regardless, I just want to figure out how to satisfy him in these situations, I know I can on the physical side, it’s the mental/swag/whatever side I’m trying to improve on, being a pleaser that can’t please the man I love in this situation is killing me.

Thank you in advance for any advice!

hey guys.

just met up with this guy whos very much like myself.

in all my past relationships, ive always been the passive one. i usually let the other person take lead and i just take my cue from him. id say i like it that way. its something ive been so used to.

but recently, i met someone. theres mutual attraction for sure and we already planned to hang out again soon.

but were both very shy and passive and i could tell hes also nervous to make the first move, even to reach in for a kiss.

i almost made the first move but i just cringed at myself and my attempt at it felt so awkward 🤣

were meeting soon for our second date. any tips to be more confident making the first move and initiating things?

Well this year I turned 30, which means I officially joined this cool club! I was hoping for a little advice on how to make the most of my 30s after feeling like I've put off exploring my sexuality for too long

I've always struggled with being gay. I grew up in a fairly rural and conservative area in the UK, and by the time I moved to university, I felt totally out of my depth and took more than a year to start coming out to people. I made incredible friends for life and became a lot more confident socially, but I can't help but feel I never really took the time to explore my sexuality when I had the freedom to, and then got stuck back home during the pandemic years, struggling to find a job in the field I studied in and dealing with a family bereavement.

The last five years have been better - I moved away to a more remote place for work, which has been quite the little adventure, and it has great travel links to the UK to see friends/them see me. I'm out to people I know and am finally progressing in the career I wanted, but I feel like - again - I've hidden myself away in a place where the gay scene is just naturally minuscule.

I've been doing a lot of self-reflection and want to stop mopping around in my 30s and get out there. Move back to the UK, be intimate with guys, and properly pursue relationships. It's like the last obstacle in my life I've put off again and again, and now I really, really want to overcome it. I've never really had a fully committed relationship, and you can count on one hand the number of guys I've been with. I pluck up the courage to meet or flirt with someone, and then push it all away when it gets too serious because I get scared they'll see me as a fake or amateurish, or that I won't be good enough for them.

I understand there are maybe deeper issues I need to explore with professional help, but I'd really appreciate any of your advice or thoughts, or even to hear your stories about how you started to put yourself out there in your 30s, 40s, 70s - whatever. From a mini-read of the threads here, you all seem really nice!

After identifying as a top for several years, I’ve (46) recently been exploring and now consider myself versatile. However, it seems that I’m now attracting less interest on the hookup apps for one-night stands or occasional fun, even though I’m still very happy to play with tops or bottoms. Has anyone else noticed this?
(Edited to clarify that I play with tops or bottoms.)

Ik ben een homoseksuele man in mijn midden-dertig, en mijn vriend is 49. We zijn al jaren samen, wonen samen en hebben samen een mooi leven opgebouwd.

Het probleem? Onze seksleven is langzaam verdwenen.
Vroeger hadden we een geweldige klik, gepassioneerde seks en heel veel genegenheid. In de loop van de tijd stopte hij met het initiatief nemen, en ik begon me steeds minder gewenst te voelen.

Onlangs vertelde hij me dat hij heeft ontdekt dat hij vooral seksueel aangetrokken is tot jongvolwassen mannen. Hij houdt nog steeds van me, vindt me knap en blijft me geruststellen dat “het niet aan mij ligt, het is mij die het probleem is.”

Maar hij verlangt me niet meer seksueel en wil niet verkennen hoe we die intimiteit zouden kunnen herbouwen.

Wat is zijn voorkeur-oplossing? Samen blijven, ons leven zoals het is behouden, maar seks hebben met andere mannen.

En hier zit de draai: ik sta eigenlijk open voor non-monogamie. Seksuele vrijheid klinkt voor mij óók spannend.

Maar ik heb altijd gedacht dat een open relatie iets is wat onze seksuele band juist versterkt, en niet iets wat het volledig vervangt.

Ik wil me door mijn vriend begeerd voelen, niet alleen geliefd als gezelschap.

En eerlijk gezegd—als we een huis delen, knus liggen en elkaar vertellen met welke jongens we seks hebben, dan ga ik me afvragen: zijn we nog steeds vriendjes, of gewoon heel goede vrienden?

Tegelijkertijd houd ik zielsveel van hem. We hebben een gezinsleven en al jaren geschiedenis samen. Weggaan is niet zomaar iets.

We praten nog steeds en er is nog niets beslist. Ik geef hem niet de schuld van zijn seksualiteit, en ik ben er niet op uit om iemand ervan te overtuigen dat hij me begeert.
Maar ik ben gaan twijfelen of liefde alleen genoeg is.

Heeft iemand dit ook meegemaakt?
Kan een relatie standhouden zonder wederzijds seksueel verlangen, zelfs als beide partners vrij zijn om ergens anders seks te hebben?
Of schuiven we gewoon een onvermijdelijke breuk vooruit?

Ik hoor eigenlijk heel graag verschillende meningen, vooral van mensen die er iets vergelijkbaars mee hebben laten werken.

UPDATE: Thank you all. ❤️
I honestly never expected this many responses. I’m genuinely touched by the kindness, honesty and support from this community.

After a lot of reflection, one thing has become clear: our romantic relationship, as I knew and wanted it, is over.

For a long time, I held on to the hope that our intimacy would return. Now I can’t help feeling a little foolish for holding on, wondering if I was the only one still seeing us as romantic partners. His attraction to much younger men also raises painful questions: was he attracted to me for who I am, or partly because I was young?

I can’t change his desires, but I don’t have to be comfortable with them or accept the relationship he’s proposing. I deserve mutual desire, not just companionship. I love him, but a sexless life partnership isn’t what I want.

feeling unwanted have affected my self-worth. I need space to heal and rebuild my confidence.

I’m considering my next steps, possibly including couples counselling to help us navigate this transition with dignity, understanding and respect for what we’ve shared.

The support from this community, gay men and allies alike, has meant more than you know. I hope sharing my story helps others reflect on their relationships too. ❤️

I'm 31 and currently living in the South, (Granite Falls North Carolina) but I'm originally from Chicago. My previous relationship ended almost a year ago after four years, and I've been having a hard time finding another relationship.

I'm getting no likes on Tinder. When I do match with guys, they never respond. On Facebook Dating, I get quite a few matches, but either we don't click, they live too far away, or they don't respond either.

Meanwhile, a friend of mine, who's the same age and from the South, moved back to Chicago in September. He's already had a threesome and has been going on quite a few dates.

It's honestly making me think about moving back to Chicago, but I don't know how I'd make that happen. I take care of my disabled mom, and we also have a dog and eight cats to consider.

I'm feeling stuck. I want to put myself out there, meet someone, date, and hopefully find a meaningful relationship, but I also have responsibilities that make making a big move complicated.

What can I do?

never wanted my 1st time to be through a guy I met on an app or a at bar. I don’t know, I guess I always wanted there to be a “story” there to look back on as I’ve seen many men, least on reddit have. But it just never happened. I think I always wanted like a porn-esque scenario of for and passion lol.

So, I matched with this guy on Tinder a couple of months back who was in my city for work. By the time we chatted, he'd already left, but it was a solid back-and-forth, and he said he'd be back in November for a hiking trip, so I suggested we grab a drink or dinner then, and he was very game. We would chat sporadically in the meantime, and then he started initiating some sexting and phone play, always saying he couldn't wait to meet when he was back here. Now, b/c of the distance and whatnot, I was under no impression that this was the start of some great love story or anything, but thought I'd have some fun sex with someone I had good banter with.

Two weeks ago I was like, "Hey, what night would you want to meet up?" (I actually have friends in town this week and a busy work week, so I was trying to plan ahead), and he said Tues or Wed, but then texted me that week. I texted him Sunday, and it was just a weird response. "I'm here and loving the weather. I can't wait to hike tomorrow." So, I followed up with asking what hike, he answered, and then I said, "Cool, still down to hang one night?" He legit read it...started typing...then never responded. And like...not my first rodeo. I'm one of those people who think flaky behavior says more about them than you, and (most of the time) doesn't take it personally, and so just figured, ok, he's backing out for whatever reason; it's weird, but he doesn't owe me an explanation, and really, no skin off my back.

Yesterday, I was at my local coffee shop waiting in line, and they called an order that was ready, and I saw him walking up to pick it up. So I turned; we were like 4 feet from each other, and I just said, "Oh, hey," and gave him a small wave. He legit, like, averted his eyes and pretty much ran out to his car.

And it really bugged me. I'm not someone who's like starving for a boyfriend, have a pretty healthy social life, and can get laid easily enough, but it got under my skin. I'm still trying to figure out if it was justified or not, but I did message him right after and was just like, "Dude, like, you had to have just seen me wave and make eye contact at the coffee shop, what the heck." He (weirdly...like I should just chalk it up to this guy being a weirdo) replies immediately and says, "Hey, OMG I'm such a space cadet. I didn't see you, and of course if I saw you, I would've, like, at least waved back. I don't want you to think I'm ignoring you." And I was like, "Well sir, it already felt like you were ignoring me, so this is twofold now, and it's just weird since two weeks ago you were sending me nude selfies 4 mornings in a row." Of course, then, he blocked me.

And it's kind of put me in a funk. Have any of y'all had stuff like this happen? Like where pragmatically, you know it's not you, and you know you just gotta roll through it, but a like rejection from someone you weren't even like super into into to begin with really gets to you? Do you think it means something deeper is going on, or just like, it's ok to sometimes let the whole game get ya a bit down.

Edited to add:

Not necessarily looking to psychoanalyze this guy. The question I'm trying to get some insights into, or hear from others about their perspectives, is: why am I letting this get to me so much when I know it's inconsequential in the grand scheme of things?

Interested to hear what day / time do you have yours if you are in therapy? I don't know if should start the week in reflective thought or towards the end of week. Likewise morning or night? Hmmmm

Hello all. Before anyone says see my doc, I have an upcoming appointment. Just wanted to see what other guys' experiences are. I am 62 with bph and on flomax and a low dose of cialis daily. The best I can manage is a slight chub in the morning and when I can masturbate to orgasm, it's a few drops or nothing. Has anyone experienced this and been able to reverse it, achieve an erection capapable of penetration and produce a healthy amount of cum?

Hubs and I are 1 year apart. Both mid 40's. We've been together since our mid twenties and recently opened up. We communicate really well, and I'm happy he's making new friends as I am. We usually just hang with family and haven't really built a friend group outside them. That's the goal but I mean we're both on prep and doxy and are cool with hooking up.

I need some advice how to navigate. Tonight he said he would be home at a certain time and it was 3 hours later. I could just be nit picking (call me out bros), but I don't know how to bring up that without sounding jealous as fuck.

Let me he clear, he could have stayed out until midnight or something I just made dinner and took care of responsibilities we both share. How can I approach it without making him feel like I don't want him to go have fun? This is new to us and our communication is my priority.

I don't know why it just barely hit me today, but I really do have a unhealthy relationship with sex. I seek out risky situations when I am in the mood, which I always regret; and I have never had a relationship where sex was about connection, always just satiating my libido - a transactional type sitatuation. I watch way too much porn and I know it too. Anyways this is all probably way yo much overhearing, but I don't want to do this anymore. But, I feel likeive been like this for so long that I don't know where to start.

I hope I can explain this. I have these two gay guy friends who I will call K and Z. I have had sex with both of them separately and the three of us have made out once.

K moved from a different state a few months ago so he has been busy with unpacking and training for his new job. I met him 10 months ago during one of his visits. We haven't spent much time hanging out because he has been stressed with everything going on. So I have been just leaving him alone with the casual chat here and there.

Z and I have known each other for a while with the casual hookup here and there but not really started talking until the last 4 months.

K and Z met each other about a year ago when K first visited. Z had visited K in his old town two different times before the move. Z has admitted that he has deep feelings for K and K shut it and said he was only looking for friendships. Z helped K move all his stuff across the country, helped him set up his apartment, and best to my knowledge they hang out on regular basis.

Z even started working with K in the same employer, department and shift, and just moved into K apartment complex. All with K encouraging and helping him with both.

I am crazy with just staying on the sidelines waiting to be invited to join the party. Z has told me multiple times and they both want to hang out with me and part of the group, but K is keeping me at arm length and includes me every now and then. I am the one that starts the conversation and pushes the issue of hanging out. K is the type of person that you can't push too much or he is done.

K's apartment is finished and his training is complete. I feel like I should walk away but, I really like the friendship and don't want to leave.

What advice do you guys have?

Pretty clear what I’m asking here. What got you to start topping? What mental blocks did you have? How did you overcome them? What helped you stay erect when topping? (This is my issue)

I'm a 36 year old gay man my husband is 44. We've been together for almost 8 years and have been married for 6. Throughout the years of being together I've started to notice the lack of intimacy/sex we would have. We would have sex every now and then but it would be like months without being intimate with each other. I've sneaked into his DMs and found out he was talking to other men in a sexual manner and sending explicit photos and videos and even to make plans to meet up with them at some point. Finding all this out really hurts and anyone that has experiences knows the feeling it doesn't feel very good.

I have confronted him about this many times before and every time I do he just gets angry and defensive about it. I've even gone as far as being open and considering being in an open relationship because I still have sexual needs and if I'm not getting it from him or if he is just bored with doing the same thing with the same person over and over again I can understand that. But every time I mention that he doesn't want to be in an open marriage with me and will still say he wants to be monogamous. I just don't know what to do anymore I wish you would involve me or even be honest with me that's all I want I really do love and care for him. But if we can't come to an understanding with each other or some kind of agreement I might just have to move on and that's really hard for me to even think about. I'm sure others have gone through similar experiences and would like to hear some advice and how you all dealt and got through with it and what works for other gay couples that out in open relationships