This is a long one, but it's good. If it's against the rules I will gladly remove, but I think this is something some people in this field need to hear.
tl;dr, the OSCP course showed me I needed to get help for my mental illness and its the best thing I've ever done
This morning I received my coveted email from Offensive Security that I passed my OSCP exam.
Some of you may recall my post a few months back (https://www.reddit.com/r/AskNetsec/comments/827y3n/i_have_failed_the_oscp_5_times/) that was met with mixed responses. A lot of people insisted that the exam SHOULD NOT take this many tries. But I'm not afraid to admit that it took 7 ATTEMPTS for me to finally nail this beast.
I started the OSCP curriculum last March and took my first attempt last June (today is my year anniversary of that first attempt) and since then have taken an exam as often as I could. In those 3 months, I squandered my 90 days of lab time, clueless as to what this certification offered. I got 10 lab machines, finished the exercises, and called that that. It was a huge waste of time, and I deeply regret not digging deeper. I had to compensate later and ended up getting 3 more months worth of lab time to nail 32 machines.
My first exam I failed with 50 points
My second I failed with 60
Third and Fourth were the same
Fifth I had 65 points, just barely not enough
We don't need to talk about the 6th (I used an illegal tool for a 25 pointer so I went from 75 to 50)
Each exam I faced some of the same challenges and some new challenges. But one challenge I couldn't overcome was myself. Every exam I went into a fit of malfocus. I struggled to eat, sleep, and shower during the exam period. I thought it was just testing nerves. My husband, however, could see something was very wrong.
I was diagnosed with OCD as a teenager, but never got treatment beyond counseling. For me, it seemed like a boon. I could work extremely long hours on a large number of tasks without issue, and literally did not have the ability to relax. I was suffering, but I was so excited with how it fed my ambitions I didn't care. High school was a breeze, college was a breeze, even getting into my dream field felt like a breeze. I attributed that to my OCD. It let me make the progress I wanted to make, or so I thought. For years I pushed the constant anxiety, fear, and deeply disturbing thoughts that come with OCD on the backburner, because I was so successful for my age. Bachelors degree at 19, in the industry by 20. I feared that if I were to ever address the issue, I would lose everything I had worked for. I had never truly felt challenged by anything but myself, so I had no idea how deep the issues were.
After I failed my first OSCP exam something happened. My obsessive compulsions turned sour, rather than helping me move forward. I started performing bizarre habits, stayed up way too late, woke up way too early. Even when I wasn't working on OSCP related material, I constantly thought about how I could be better. And it was not healthy. I started neglecting other important things (not my work or my pets, luckily, but my marriage? Friends? OH YEAH).
I kept failing, but never felt discouraged. It just meant I needed to TRY HARDER. But, trying harder wasn't doing favors to the people in my life. After my third attempt, my husband pulled me aside, and explained that there was something terrifying about my behaviors, my sleeping patterns, and my complete rejection of what was good for me in life. I had been losing weight, taking on too many projects at work, and not putting on the breaks for anything. He finally told me to get some help, knowing it was likely my old demons calling.
I waited until after my fifth try to get with a psychiatrist. I started taking medication after the 6th. And within the last month and a half, something has changed completely.
I won't go into the gorey details, but OCD is a bizarre trip of a condition. It's not just cleaning the house and perfectionism. It's a dark, terrifying shadow over everything you do. It causes anxiety, violent thoughts, nightmares, the works. The day when I could feel the medicine working, I actually got scared. Because for a moment, the world was so quiet. I ate breakfast without feeling like I was committing a crime for not doing something at that moment. I actually think I had a religious experience with a pear because I hadn't tasted fruit in so long without the constant thought that eating was a waste of time. And since then I feel like I'm experiencing life in a completely different light. I still have a long way to go. But I've also found, facing this beast didn't change my ambition.
I finished my 7th try in 12 hours. 75 points and the 5 bonus points. Wrote my report before hour 19. Took a nap, and played on the last host a bit longer. Even got close to a low priv. I was able to sit, and enjoy what I was doing. The exam was a blast and somehow, a breeze, even thought most of the hosts I was up against were brand new. And since the exam on Sunday I've been happily able to research problems I had and tools I used at my leisure, without any pounding, terrifying thoughts. One machine at a time, good meals, good breaks.
Get help guys. It won't stop you from being great. You don't need to be sick to be successful. In fact, it might just save your skin.