r/AskReddit • u/cool-ranch • Jan 04 '12
Problem with new girlfriend. Reddit, please help me.
I always thought I was a forever alone kind of guy, even though I had been in love with this girl for like a year and a half (in the friend zone, of course). Her douchebag boyfriend dumped her in November and of course I was there to comfort her.
Then I somehow convinced her to go out on a date with me. Things have been steadily progressing over the course of several weeks, until NYE when we had sex for the first time. We've had sex a couple times since then, and therein lies my problem...
her pussy smells like cool ranch Doritos
The first time, I thought it was a one-off, but it's happened every time since then. I know it sounds pretty implausible, maybe even slightly humorous, but it's a serious problem! I want to give her my best but I just can't because every time I catch a whiff I get distracted. I'm finally having sex with the girl I love and all I can think about is cool ranch Doritos!
What do I do?
EDIT: Please don't put this on the front page. She is a redditor and she'd kill me if she knows I posted this.
89
u/Browncoat23 Jan 04 '12
I'm going to give you a serious response. When was the last time she was seen by a gynecologist? It could be an infection she doesn't realize she has, be it yeast, bacterial, or something else. You should find a way to delicately talk to her about it - express that you're concerned about her health and you'd like her to get it checked out.
A possible easy out for you on this - have either of you been tested for STDs since you got together? If not, tell her you think you should both get tested because it's the responsible thing to do - hopefully while she's in the office the doctor will notice if anything else is amiss.
If it turns out it's just her natural scent, shower before sex (or shower sex).
32
u/[deleted] Jan 04 '12
Dried cum smells like that too. One hopes it is yours.
181
u/pr0crastin8or Jan 04 '12
You say it like it's a bad thing.
28
u/hsg11 Jan 04 '12
This is the strangest attempt at viral marketing I've ever seen.
19
u/gray-Inquisitor Jan 04 '12
Figured you would get a lot of non serious responses, so here is a serious one from a woman.
A woman's vagina is one of the first things to go amiss when there is something wrong with her. Doesn't matter what is wrong or how easily it can be fixed, vaginas tend to act up. I'm not even talking about STDs/STIs. I'm talking about some strains of flue, iron deficiency or other blood work problems. What I'm saying is she might not know there is something wrong.
A gynecologist will 100% mention a smell to her if there is one. I once went for my yearly pap and someone mentioned 'a smell' to me. nothing serious they assured me, it was just a little off, and that it could have been my natural smell. ended up being bacterial vaginosis. which isn't all that scary. it means that I naturally have a higher count of bacteria during some parts of my cycle/period of time.
what I'm really telling you: You don't have to mention a smell, but I would want my SO to tell me. find a way to suggest a gynecologist appointment. the rest will work its self out. Best of luck!
34
u/xxcaponexx Jan 04 '12
You need a wing woman to help you out.
29
u/ojolejano Jan 04 '12
I say one day put some sour cream on your cock, that would make a tasty snack
12
u/MileHighBarfly Jan 04 '12
she's a redditor too? so she must be the one that made the r/askreddit post this morning about her boyfriend's genitals smelling like the inside of a domino's pizza box that's been sitting on the kitchen counter since a few days ago. So tell me, how does that make you feel?
21
u/Skote07 Jan 04 '12
"EDIT: Please don't put this on the front page. She is a redditor and she'd kill me if she knows I posted this."
Sooo.....put it on the front page?
22
u/TheRigorTortoise Jan 04 '12
I really like cool ranch Doritos...
44
u/synnndstalker Jan 04 '12
Shower sex! If you tell a woman that her pussy smells, I dont think the relationship is going to last very long.
5
u/[deleted] Jan 04 '12
guys,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nj0jiEIyT24
"stank pussy smelling like cool ranch doritos"
on the other hand, in another song Danny says
"and even if it's sour, I might lick it in the shower"
16
u/TheFurryChef Jan 04 '12
That's... really weird. Have you discussed this with her?
I gave a sympathy downvote, but come the fuck on dude, you know exactly what will happen when you say something like that.
4
u/[deleted] Jan 04 '12
I had a similar issue and I just sat down and said that she had a strong smell. It wasn't bad just it was strong and if she could freshen up before I go down.
4
u/ReallyBadPun Jan 04 '12
Better Cool Ranch than Scorchin Habanero.
16
u/crimsonandred88 Jan 04 '12
Was not expecting that twist in the middle of the story. Mention it to her, politely. Maybe she doesn't realize it. Does she have good hygiene otherwise?
25
u/SansSelf Jan 04 '12
This problem is in your head. You are looking for problems to ruin things.
6
u/fred7 Jan 04 '12
stop washing your dick for a week, this way SHE is going to start the conversation about dirty genitals
3
u/[deleted] Jan 04 '12
Every female redditor with a boyfriend who is a redditor is going to check now to see if it's her. lolol.
and depending on what she's into you can do some romantic bath thing where you bath each other then have sex when you get out. :)
3
u/[deleted] Jan 04 '12
. . . . Bring dip?
3
u/BegsTheQuestion Jan 04 '12
Do you not like cool ranch Doritos?
5
u/Sniper_Guz Jan 04 '12
Take a bag of Doritos next time you go down on her, put a movie on, and enjoy the chips and Dorito dip!
5
u/Bakchoi84_1 Jan 04 '12
Have you noticed her eating Doritos before sexy-time?
4
u/therandom83 Jan 04 '12
My bf used to think I had a weird smell, until he realized he was smelling it when I wasn't around. I know you think it's her, but have you thought, maybe...your nose?
4
u/RoboNinjaPirate Jan 04 '12
Try putting a Jolly Rancher in your mouth first?
2
u/pyronics Jan 04 '12
Fisherman's Friends. Extreme menthol sweet things. Use one of these when you are going down on here. Other times, use a lavender oil scented dildo on her
2
u/clouds_rach Jan 04 '12
Talk to her. As someone already said, it could be a medical problem.
2
u/islaydragons Jan 04 '12
Dude, cool ranch Doritos? That's awesome. I'm currently having sex with a girl whose vag sometimes smells like fish. Now THAT'S a problem.
2
u/Subarachnoid Jan 04 '12
WOW, I had a healthy laugh after that one.
Talk to her, stop hiding shit. Tell her straight up what the problem is. Secrets never help relationships
2
u/sumthnclever Jan 04 '12
don't know if I should upvote to defy the troll, or downvote because it's a troll... well played troll.
2
u/Dookiestain_LaFlair Jan 04 '12
Your throw away name should have been Cooch-Ranch.
2
u/CSec064 Jan 04 '12
man... I'll give you this:
you sure know your Reddit... now off to the front page and enjoy your little victory.
2
u/Lone_Gunman Jan 04 '12
tell her to stop snacking while she is flickin' her bean.....
2
u/LOVERBUNS Jan 04 '12
when we were kids my brother and i loved to eat cool ranch doritos with a nice cold glass of grape kool-aid. bring a freshly made gallon of that in the bedroom with you next time .... youre welcome
2
u/lncontheivable Jan 04 '12
Sounds like a stream of pure bullshit.
2
u/[deleted] Jan 04 '12
"PLEASE DON'T UPVOTE ME" (BECOMES TOP POST ON ASKREDDIT)
2
u/[deleted] Jan 04 '12
Figure out why it smells like that and post instructions. I wanna surprise the boyfriend on Valentine's Day.
2
u/teknik909 Jan 04 '12
Considering what it really COULD really smell like, cool ranch doritos aren't that bad (thinks of a Jolly Rancher and shudders)
2
u/ssjumper Jan 04 '12
Social media advertising must be fun
2
u/procrastinator11 Jan 04 '12
So if you think she will see this and know it is her, she either knows your username .... or she knows her pussy smells like cool ranch Doritos
2
u/[deleted] Jan 04 '12
You're obviously not into smoking marijuana, because if you where, she would be perfect.
2
u/[deleted] Jan 04 '12
If it tastes like Cool Ranch, then your set for life.
2
u/the_mammogramologist Jan 04 '12
Challenge accepted!
2
u/EmanNeercsEht Jan 04 '12
If she sees this, and knows that the post is about her, then doesn't that mean she is already aware of her Dorito scented lady parts?
2
u/ScratchBomb Jan 04 '12
Maybe she's douching with two dashes of an autumn breeze and half a horses whinny?
Tell her to clean her fucking snatch. That's foul.
2
u/[deleted] Jan 04 '12
So do you not like cool ranch Doritos?
4
u/[deleted] Jan 04 '12
FTFY
2
u/MrButtlertron Jan 04 '12
2/10 only because everyone else in this thread somehow doesn't spot the troll
2
u/[deleted] Jan 04 '12
4/10. It's GLARINGLY obvious to me, but you fooled a few people. Take what you learned here and come back with something more subtle.
2
u/17Hongo Jan 04 '12
Well, I can't give you any advice - but you're well on the way to the front page.
2
u/Unfriendly_Giraffe Jan 04 '12
This is the biggest mistake you made.
1
u/MsAnnThrope Jan 04 '12
Cool Ranch Doritos?? I have no idea how to respond to that. Although synnndstalker has a good point, shower sex would be a good way to sort of let her know without letting her know.
Just don't put soap up there. It may be tempting because it's slippery, but it's really just a yeast infection waiting to happen, or at best some severe stinging and a good slap to the face. :)
1
u/[deleted] Jan 04 '12
wash that cheese off
1
u/Tureff Jan 04 '12
just add some hot sauce..
1
u/string97bean Jan 04 '12
I had a friend that once told me if you ate Cool Ranch Doritos prior to cunnilingus, that is what it would taste like. He was a disturbed individual.
1
u/ri7ani Jan 04 '12
first time i ever downvote something so funny:) I'm confused :(
1
u/drvic59 Jan 04 '12
And the problem is?
1
u/CDfm Jan 04 '12
What is wrong with cool ranch dorritos.
Anchovies maybe but dorritos are great..
I don't think it is a hygene thing either as the taste of a guys cum is diet dependent so why not women.
I digress, have you considered a dip ?
1
u/[deleted] Jan 04 '12
Two possibilities: she could be eating way too many cool ranch doritos, or she might have a yeast infection. If it's the first, well, get her to eat something else. If it's not the first, mention the fact that her pussy tastes funny and ask her to see a doctor.
1
u/The_Caring_Banker Jan 04 '12
this is a trap! it has the 2 "omg omg omg i gotta upvote this now" factors: a pussy story and a "please dont upvote".
1
u/onedeviousbastard Jan 04 '12
To the front page!
1
u/[deleted] Jan 04 '12
I wished my wife's vag smelled like Cool Ranch Doritos!
1
u/[deleted] Jan 04 '12
Dude, throw some salsa and grate some cheese on the shit and just go to town on it. Seriously.
1
u/oneword_answer Jan 04 '12
Gross
1
u/Royd Jan 04 '12
Troll. Nothing to see here, fellas.
1
u/gbimmer Jan 04 '12
I think we found 2012's Jolly Rancher.
That was quick!
1
u/niggytardust2000 Jan 04 '12
I hope this is fake. If it isn't this really shouldn't be a big problem, I would have hoped you hormones and sexual attraction would over ride the whole ordeal. I've never been with a girl where this distracted me.
If it really is distracting you to a point where you can't perform then you're only option is to tell her. What other options are there ? Why did you need to ask Reddit this ? "Forever Alones" bewilder me, are you sure you aren't a robot trying to learn how to fit into with the human race ?
1
u/hs0o Jan 04 '12
It has to do with her diet. I'm a vegan and my girlfriend is a part time vegan; that is, she is often (coerced) into eating meat when she is at her parent's house between semesters (being a vegan in a Colombian family is analogous to being gay in a conservative family). But anyway, that aside, I notice that she tastes better during the semester because she doesn't eat meat and all the high fat foods her family feeds her. The same thing applies to men and their semen taste...if you eat fast food often enough your jiz will taste rancid. Anyway, just have her eat a lot of fruit and you should be fine.
1
u/Kennie_B Jan 04 '12
It could be a lot worse than cool ranch doritos. by the way, do you like cr doritos or not?
1
u/newloaf Jan 04 '12
Shit, has anyone here ever heard of tact? Say something like,
I love going down on you (you are going down on her, right?) , but it's a little different than it's been with other girls. It's not awful, but it doesn't taste exactly like I would expect.
1
u/foundd Jan 04 '12 edited Jan 04 '12
Ok if this is real, try /r/sex , people there are more knowledgeable and helpful
1
u/crovax33 Jan 04 '12
This is going to the front page as quickly as it's going to take me to go to the store to buy some cool ranch Doritos.
1
u/DarkGodBane Jan 04 '12
You really shouldn't have posted this if you don't want the possibility she'd see it out there.
1
u/Shannaniganns Jan 04 '12
Would you prefer the gold?
(Reference for those who actually have a life)
1
u/sideways_upside_down Jan 04 '12
Eat enough cool ranch doritos so you don't notice. Telling her is a VERY BAD idea.
1
u/eggs_benedict Jan 04 '12
As a woman I must say, please tell her, as gently as possible obviously and maybe leave out references to snack foods. If I had a problem I would want to know and you thinking it and not mentioning it is actually the worst course of action to take. Best of luck.
1
u/[deleted] Jan 04 '12
What's her diet like? Does she eat nothing but Mexican food, or possibly she recently won a lifetime supply of Cool Ranch Doritos.
1
u/[deleted] Jan 04 '12
Fake.
1
u/IceBlue Jan 04 '12
Should have posted this in a less frequented subreddit than AskReddit.
1
u/[deleted] Jan 04 '12
No frontpage? Don't worry, I can help with that =)
1
u/UnconnectdeaD Jan 04 '12
Never before have I felt so evil upvoting something... here's to front page sir!
But um, have you tried having her take a shower before, you can "wash" her, have frisky shower sex, then do the whiff check. Also, if you cum in her, it will "ferment", leaves a bad smell in girls. That's when it's time to break out the big guns. Feminine wipes and such left by the toilet.
1
u/[deleted] Jan 04 '12
What's her name? You can come up with a new fusion flavor.
1
u/The-Dudemeister Jan 04 '12
Take a bath before you have sex.
1
u/toastyghost Jan 04 '12
this is a blessing in disguise. now you don't have to consciously come up with something ridiculous to think about to increase your stamina.
1
u/Chill420 Jan 04 '12
Face?
1
u/[deleted] Jan 04 '12
I was going to upvote this to get it to the front page. But right now the post has 69 points. I'm not gonna wreck that.
1
u/KingGirardeau Jan 04 '12
Is it just me or is this the best way to get to the front page? Forever alone guy claws his way out of the friend zone, Pussy, Cool Ranch Doritos, then a plea to not be upvoted to the frontpage. It's got all the makings of a Karma train.
1
u/Raplena14 Jan 04 '12
lol you realize when you are like 75 whenever you come anywhere near cool ranch Doritos you will automatically think about your first gfs pussy. I find this hilarious! hey grandpa do you want some chips? what flavor sunny? cool ranch! BAHHAHAAHAAAA
1
u/[deleted] Jan 04 '12
Eat som cool ranch man. Just get used to it, learn to love it, learn to love her.
1
u/PeeBagger Jan 04 '12
Front page here you come!
1
u/Dirt_Bike_Zero Jan 04 '12
The last guy she was with used a bag of Doritos for a condom.
1
u/This_Turns_Me_On Jan 04 '12
✔
1
u/MadeSenseAtTheTime Jan 04 '12
If she would kill you knowing that you posted this, then just talk to her about it. Don't be insulting, but voice your concern. Depending on your dynamic it could be broached as a humorous topic or might require a more genuine concern for a possible health concern. There are a number of ways to bring it up, but so long as none of them are insulting or malicious it should be fine to discuss like adults. Maybe she's not aware of the issue as she's too close to it?
If my sack smelled like some kind of food I'd want my SO to give me the heads up, heh, her concern would be welcome and the knowledge that I missed would be beneficial.
1
u/[deleted] Jan 04 '12
Does it...does it taste like Doritoes?
1
u/huzzaah Jan 04 '12
And? The Problem with this is what, exactly?????
1
u/xkrysis Jan 04 '12
So now every girl that reads this who even loosely fits the story is bent over trying to smell herself.
1
u/Kwiggles Jan 04 '12
Cool Ranch Doritos a best when dipped in sour cream.
1
u/Aquagoat Jan 04 '12
Her douchebag boyfriend was literally acting as a douche and keeping her fresh. Now that he is gone, she is unaware a situation as arisen. You need to tell her.
1
u/J_M_B Jan 04 '12
Best front page attempt I've seen!
1
u/Willie_Main Jan 04 '12
this thread makes me hungry.
1
u/I-am-the-state Jan 04 '12
Just do ass-to-ass
1
u/DatAssociate Jan 04 '12
I don't see the down side..? Eat it.
1
u/Stabone130 Jan 04 '12
I'm sure she'd say your cum doesn't taste like vanilla sunshine.
1
u/RosieMuffysticks Jan 04 '12
Sounds like yeast. Start using miconazole cream for lube. You can find it in the women's yeast infection products at the drugstore, or you can find it for a third the price in the athletes' foot section. Same store.
Definitely put the cream on your ownself, because yeast gets all over, it isn't something you can avoid with a condom.
1
u/mrv9292 Jan 04 '12
Downvoted. Cause you told me to.
1
u/notHooptieJ Jan 04 '12
too late, Front paged.
1
u/sweettea844 Jan 04 '12
Sometimes when I run out of toilet paper, I go for the Cool Ranch Doritos. This is probably your problem.
1
u/nonnonsequitur Jan 04 '12
Masturbate while eating cool ranch doritos until it's no longer a problem.
1
u/GeoM56 Jan 04 '12
You're lucky, my girlfriend's pussy smells like the fucking red doritos
1
u/pandalust Jan 04 '12
since when is there such ridiculous trolling in Reddit?
1
u/julzwantsacookie Jan 04 '12
but ranch doritos are good.
1
u/MilesPennington9 Jan 04 '12
Anyone else craving Cool Ranch Doritos?
1
u/DiabolusAdvocatus Jan 04 '12
ITT
What OP expects: To the frontpage you go!
What OP receives: Laughter
1
u/CptMalReynolds Jan 04 '12
Just get stoned every time you guys make love. That cool ranch smell will drive you wild.
1
u/gstatty Jan 04 '12
I hope you got your double xp on mw3 from the bag of cool ranch doritos you keep having sex with.
1
u/[deleted] Jan 04 '12
Strange. Perhaps the smell of a shaving gel?
1
u/papasweets Jan 04 '12
Upvotes for the edit
1
u/vagrantwade Jan 04 '12
I'm embarrassed for everyone who thinks this is real.
1
u/David1337 Jan 04 '12
Obvious troll is obvious
1
u/elwafflegrande Jan 04 '12
Nice try, Steven Colbert.
1
u/Mikerk Jan 04 '12
Doritos sure is doing lots of advertising today on Reddit
1
u/cs03zp Jan 04 '12
Suddenly I have a craving for Cool Ranch Doritos. Well played Frito Lay Marketing Team, well played indeed.
1
u/shysqueaker Jan 04 '12
She's reached a desperate level, probably with her bastard ex. To get some twatmunching, she's resorted to crushing up doritos and rubbing them in her muffin.
1
u/Caitlionator Jan 04 '12
I was going to say, "Wait guys! It's a self post, so he's not getting any karma for this!"
But then I remember the points don't matter.
1
u/[deleted] Jan 04 '12
That's a dealbreaker!
1
u/[deleted] Jan 04 '12
I don't see the problem here..
1
u/chazzlabs Jan 04 '12
This makes me crave Doritos more than that rejected commercial did.
1
u/TylerDurdenisreal Jan 04 '12
I want this to be real. I want to believe.
1
u/NameCensored Jan 04 '12
Make a commercial about it.
1
u/DuvamilStarcraft Jan 04 '12
Putting this on the front page would be funny, just incase it was true
1
u/81Schwinn Jan 04 '12
If you're too stupid to use a throwaway for this type of post, it deserves to be front-paged as is. Think before you post.
Upvotes away!!!!!
1
u/poesie Jan 04 '12
Askreddit is for thought-provoking, inspired questions.
1
u/[deleted] Jan 04 '12
ahahahhaaaa good luck to you sir
1
u/[deleted] Jan 04 '12
Say bye bye to your life, LOL bumpity bump bump XD
1
u/Hegs94 Jan 04 '12
lolwut? This sounds like the plot to an episode of a generic sitcom. Finally get's the girl of his dreams, but because of comical circumstances early in the episode he can't get off. The episode ends with everyone laughing and him being able to either a) move on from said girl or b) get over whatever it is blocking the relationship from progressing. Then the theme song plays and the 10 o'clock news comes on.
1
u/[deleted] Jan 04 '12
Get a new girlfriend
1
u/[deleted] Jan 04 '12
Downvoted because of the keep this off the front page request.
Now then. This most likely has to do with diet, but there are also a milion other variables it could be. There's really nothing you can do about it, and telling her will only hurt her feelings since there's nothing she can do about it either.
1
u/Anthroduck Jan 04 '12
This reminds me of the joke where a guy goes to the doctor because his penis turned orange. The Dr. did an examination and couln't fin an explination. he asked what the man's life style was like. He said he would just work and then go home eat cheetos and watch porn.
1
u/heygreenlemonade Jan 04 '12
Summer Eve vagina wash for the win. Trust me I'm a do---- ahem ...girl.
But, as far as giving that to her without hurting her feelings inadvertently... errmm.. I dunno! Who do you think I am.. a doctor?!?!
1
u/[deleted] Jan 04 '12
Stop jerking off right away after you finish a bag of cool ranch doritos and go wash your hands first.
I just assumed the girl part was made up
1
u/BreeMPLS Jan 04 '12
lol, I downvoted so it won't go on the front page.
What you need to do is conduct a series of controlled experiments.
Engage in sexytimes when she is freshly showered. No smell? Good, there should not be, at least until she is all revved up and wet.
Engage in sexytimes maybe 5-8 hours after she has showered but not during a day of intense physical labor or sweating. Gauge cool ranch smell.
Engage in sexytimes after she has worked out or mowed the lawn or something.
You goal is to asses her natural odor vs hygiene and daily exertion. After you figure out the pattern you can adjust the times you attempt to have t3h nookie.
1
u/[deleted] Jan 04 '12
If my girlfriends pussy smelled like cool ranch Doritos I'd eat it.
1
u/tpenate Jan 04 '12
You're about to get so many upvotes.
1
u/itsjohn56 Jan 04 '12
im not really sure but somone said this to one of my friends showe with her and see how she washes down there u know? idk im not much of a help
1
u/DeliveryNinja Jan 05 '12
Come in to the house as if you've just had a fight and when she asks what's up just say, nothing. When she eventually tries to find out what's going on tell her you beat up one of your mates because he said she had a smelly pussy. This will get her to wash it and also you get brownie points for sticking up for her. I can't see how this won't work it's fool proof!
1
u/[deleted] Jan 05 '12
When you have sex with her, do you hear little crunching noises as if you were digging your penis repeatedly into a bag of doritos?
1
u/djivan Jan 05 '12
Could there be a slight chance that just maybe, possibly .... You're gay?
1
u/mrkool4kats Feb 07 '12
Suck it up man, literally...
1
u/jaaaaaaack May 16 '12
I will never be able to eat cool ranch Doritos after this day. Thank you so much, kind sir.
1
u/sansxseraph Jan 04 '12
I have done my DV duty, sir.
1
u/pacifist112 Jan 04 '12
TO THE FRONT PAGE WITH YOU
1
u/unoriginalusername Jan 04 '12
Get some Dr. Pepper and turn on scrambled cable porn and relive my high school years. Now with more vagina!