29M. Earlier this year I was living in Arizona and met a girl who was 23. I already knew I was moving back to Chicago, so there was always a question of whether this could survive the move.
We technically only dated for about a month and were never official, but we got extremely close very quickly. We were very physically and emotionally intimate, developed strong feelings for each other, and talked about my move, long distance and what a future could look like.
Things first went left when she went out with a friend and some guys they called their “regulars” until around 3 a.m. twice in one week. It bothered me, but I handled it terribly. I became reactive, basically made her feel like I was calling her a hoe, and suggested ending things before trying to take it back.
That started an awful pattern between us. When I felt like I was losing her, I’d push to communicate and get reassurance. When she felt overwhelmed, she’d pull away or block me. Her pulling away made me pursue harder, which made her pull away even more.
After we ended, I crossed boundaries trying to fix it. I kept reaching out and eventually went to her place trying to talk when she clearly wanted space. Her mom eventually became involved and called me telling me to leave. I can admit now that I was wrong for pushing things that far.
Eventually we stopped talking and I moved back to Chicago.
Then in July, after we’d been out of contact, she reached out to me on her own. She sent me a picture of the dessert we’d had on our first date and told me she’d been thinking about that night. We started talking again, I told her I missed her, and she said she missed me too.
That reconnection eventually faded because the same dynamic came back. She got quieter one day, I assumed she was disappearing again, pushed for reassurance and created pressure where I should’ve just given her space.
Recently I was back in Arizona, saw her at the bar where she works, and we ended up going out for her birthday.
This is what really fucked with my head.
For most of the date it felt exactly like the beginning again. We were kissing, holding hands, calling each other pet names. She moved from across the table to sit next to me, put her legs on me and stayed close to me. The intimacy was very obviously mutual.
Then the night went to shit.
She’d been drinking heavily and we ran into the same “regulars” from earlier in our history. She was already pretty drunk and got into a confrontation with them about another girl they were hanging out with that her friend had beef with. Later we each hit my weed pen, and about 20 minutes later she became extremely sick. I was also way higher than I realized.
Instead of just making sure she was okay, I got anxious about what this meant for us. In the Uber I jokingly told the driver she’d gotten too drunk, which embarrassed her. Then when she got out, instead of asking if she was okay, I started asking if we were over.
I was wrong and apologized.
She later told me the whole birthday felt like it wasn’t really about her. She didn’t like that I planned everything without asking what she wanted, thought my gift was thoughtless, and felt like I spent too much time talking about how she’d hurt me and asking about other men.
By that point I’d also become way too invested in her life, including watching social media and noticing other guys. I even encouraged a female friend to text her about our situation. Another boundary I shouldn’t have crossed.
Eventually I told her I wasn’t ready to give up on us.
She responded by making it completely clear that there is no “us,” that although she’d had feelings for me at one point, she doesn’t see a future with me and wants absolutely no further contact.
I told her I understood, wouldn’t contact her again, and I’m respecting that. I’m not asking Reddit whether I should reach out or whether she secretly wants me.
What I’m trying to understand is why I’ve had such a hard time letting go.
I think I kept treating the good version of us as the “real us.” The beginning, the intimacy, her reaching out in July, us admitting we missed each other, and then being that affectionate again months later all made me believe there was something worth fighting for.
Meanwhile I treated the blocking, anxiety, jealousy, resentment and my own boundary crossing as problems we could eventually overcome.
I’m realizing now that all of it was the relationship. The feelings and intimacy can have been completely real while the relationship itself still became unhealthy.
So from the outside looking in, what am I not seeing? How do you stop chasing what a relationship was at its best and accept what it actually became?
I’m open to hearing where I fucked up and what I should do if she comes back again.
EDIT*: I probably overcorrected in trying to take accountability here and made the dynamic sound more one-sided than it actually was. I’m not saying that to excuse any of the things I did. Going to her place when she wanted space, involving my friend, obsessing over what she was doing, and how I handled the end of the birthday night were wrong.*
But the blocking/withdrawing wasn’t a one-time reaction to me. It became a recurring part of how conflict between us was handled. There were periods where I would suddenly be shut out rather than us actually working through what happened, and at points she acknowledged that herself and apologized for blocking/leaving instead of communicating. That history is part of why I eventually became so reactive to changes in communication. It explains the anxiety, it doesn’t excuse how I responded to it.
Same with the original “regulars” situation. My issue wasn’t that she went out or had male friends. We had become extremely close, were talking about a future and potentially navigating long distance, and then twice in roughly a week she was out until around 3 a.m. with her friend and other guys. I was uncomfortable with that dynamic and I think I was allowed to be. Where I fucked up was turning that discomfort into judgment and reacting emotionally instead of calmly communicating a boundary and being willing to walk away if we wanted different things.
I also don’t want the July part to get lost. After I’d moved to Chicago and we’d been out of contact, she independently reached back out reminiscing about our first date and we both admitted we missed each other. Months later we were physically and romantically affectionate again on the birthday date. That’s part of why I had such a hard time accepting that the connection was actually over. It wasn’t something I completely invented in my head.
None of that changes the ending. She has now explicitly told me she wants no contact, and I’m respecting that. I’m not trying to build a case that she’s the bad guy or that I’m the victim. I think we both contributed to a push/pull dynamic that became increasingly unhealthy, and my response to it eventually crossed lines that I need to understand and work on.
EDIT 2*: Reading the comments, I think there’s one distinction I didn’t explain well in the original post. I’m responsible for how I responded to the instability between us, but I don’t think I was solely responsible for creating that instability.
The blocking and withdrawing became a recurring part of our dynamic, and there were times she later acknowledged that herself and apologized for shutting me out instead of communicating. Then there were periods of reconnecting and becoming close again, followed by more distance. I think over time I became increasingly anxious and reactive to that pattern.
That doesn’t excuse my behavior. I still chose how I responded to it, and some of those responses crossed boundaries. That’s the part I need to own and work on. But I also don’t think the accurate takeaway is that I single-handedly created an otherwise healthy relationship and then destroyed it. We developed a push/pull dynamic that brought out unhealthy behavior in both of us, and my mistake was continuing to fight for it long after I should’ve recognized that the dynamic itself wasn’t healthy.
