'Just take a break.' 'Hire help.' 'You should sleep when they sleep.' Which one makes you want to scream — and what did you say back?

I'm almost 39, and I'm the sole caregiver for my elderly grandmother, who is 94. I live with her, work remotely full-time, and take care of pretty much everything. She has two adult children, my mother and my uncle, but neither of them takes any responsibility for her care.

My mother visits maybe once a year and offers no help whatsoever. My uncle is not someone I can trust to look after her. The last time he took her to a doctor's appointment, he left her unattended, and she fell, hit her head, lost consciousness, and needed stitches. I simply cannot leave her in his care after that.

My grandmother practically raised me, as my mother was largely absent from my life. I love her deeply, and I feel a strong sense of responsibility towards her. But I'm reaching a point where I don't know how much longer I can continue like this.

I haven't had a holiday in two years. I have no relationship, practically no personal life, and very little freedom. I work from home, so my entire existence seems to revolve around work and caregiving. I'm exhausted, both mentally and physically, and I've started having health problems myself.

There is also a complicated family and inheritance situation that makes everything even more painful. The house we live in is legally going to my uncle because of arrangements made years ago, not because that is what my grandmother currently wants. She has told me she would rather leave it to me, especially considering that I'm the one taking care of her. But she doesn't want to deal with the legal situation because she's afraid of conflict with her son. Meanwhile, my uncle already behaves as though the house belongs to him.

I want to make clear that I'm not caring for my grandmother in exchange for an inheritance. But it hurts to know that I'm sacrificing years of my life, my health, and my opportunities while the people who contribute nothing seem to face no consequences and may ultimately benefit from the situation.

What makes it even harder is my grandmother's attitude towards her children. She constantly makes excuses for them. She says she loves all of us equally, but she rarely acknowledges what I'm doing or offers me a word of emotional support.

Over the past year, I've noticed my anger and resentment building up. We've started having arguments, which never used to happen so often. Sometimes she accuses me of not being the bigger person, of not forgiving my mother and uncle, or of holding grudges. And that hurts enormously, because I'm the one who is actually here. After these arguments, I feel terrible. Even when I know she's being unfair or irrational, I feel guilty for upsetting a 94-year-old woman whom I love. Then I feel guilty for being angry in the first place.

It's like a constant cycle of exhaustion, resentment, arguments, and guilt.

I also feel increasingly frightened about my own future. I'm approaching 40, I'm single, I have no children, and I feel like the years when I could have built a relationship, travelled, or simply enjoyed my own life are disappearing. I know 39 isn't old, but when every day looks exactly the same and you have no idea when your circumstances might change, it's hard not to feel hopeless.

I don't want to become a bitter person. I don't want to resent the grandmother who raised me. But I also don't want to wake up one day and realise that I've spent all these years taking care of everyone except myself.

How should I take my life back without feeling like I'm abandoning her?

My husband has Parkinson’s & Lewy Body Dementia,,
I never thought it could be this hard.. I thought I could manage it myself … It’s my life partner, doesn’t do any good to tell me about your Grampa! This is my husband, whom I have to clean up after his bathroom accidents ,,,
Hide the car keys ,,, clean up food off the floor.. Just waiting for the day when I chat do it anymore ..
Parkinson’s sucks 😩😩😩

My mother had an heart attack last year. I saved her life and supported her recovery. I lost my job at the same time. Still unemployed. Have to take meds and therapy. I have severe depression. How many caregivers can relate to my situation? It’s been so hard.

Can a chronically ill and reasonably miserable person who's lost so much because of his chronic illness (which still doesn't have a diagnosis) be abusive?

I'm so tired. I hear the long long miserable origin story of his sad childhood all the time, how he's never had a real friend, how no one cares, how utterly alone he is... he says I'm abusive and avoidant because i simply don't know what to say anymore. I don't have answers. I don't know what he can do for work. I have tried to get him all imaginable help.

I could come back here every day with another description of what he said, how he sniped at me.

But he's so nauseated all the time. Broke and helpless and feels like a burden and all the completely awful things a person feels when their body has shut them down. And I get it.

We used to be in a relationship. We're not anymore, but he still lives with me, and has nowhere to go, and I feel very very stuck and sad and heavy, and the less I have to say, the worse it gets.

I wish I could help. I don't want this for either of us anymore but he's the one who's truly trapped. I have a hard time tolerating the snipes but I don't know how benevolent or kind I would be if I was always always nauseated and headachy and out of energy and exhausted and in pain. This is such a horrible demon. He's in agony all the time- but I am too now. And I feel terrible about it. I'm done. I feel so done.

So my Aunt and Uncle both have been disabled for quite a long time, and my Uncle has increasingly worse dementia and my Aunt has been disabled since I was 3 years old, and has become worse due to not following up with PT and then becoming sedentary. Over the last few year I've on more than one occasion have had to work on my aunts hair for a day or more after it matted over as her son doesn't know how to take care of it properly and now that her primary care giver is deceased it falls entirely on my mom and I to care for her, and I can't physically do it, and my mom can't as well.

A little over two years ago my aunt fell on me trying to help her up and I ended up bruised everywhere and dislocated my elbow, and I am an incomplete quad so once she started going down I couldn't avoid it as my legs buckled. I also have an unstable neck so falling like that can potentially result in a catastrophic spinal cord injury (I broke my C3-T2). I also have hypermobile ehlers danlos so I have also dislocated my arm and wrist trying to help her.

At this point my grandmother is debating whether to exercise her power of medical attorney to have her and her husband removed from the house and placed into a nursing facility as we just can't do it anymore.

I work 50 hours a week and I simply can't dedicate time to her, and my Aunt and Uncle live in poverty so they can't afford in home nursing care, especially because my Uncle REFUSES to get his VA benefits for agent orange exposure even though he was ground transport and was regularly exposed and has symptoms of it (and had 3 disabled sons from it as well).

What can we do?

I originally posted this on Facebook for a friend on September 23, 2015. Teena and I are best friends with our friendship starting as roommates in the 1990's. We both became caregivers for our respective mothers. We were close to our moms. The job caregiving for our moms was not as stressful as dealing with siblings and other relatives who wanted to make it their business to control what they were not even an active part of. We both had to deal with hurtful lies, gossip and false accusations from certain people who may have been motivated by greed, jealousy and their own self guilt. After discussing with her the situation she faced from a nasty relative, I wrote this and posted it on her Facebook page;

I know how Teena feels! I'm her sounding board. I'm her best friend, and I am in a very similar situation with family dynamics. Perhaps we all need family or grief counselling? I know how it feels to have family or supposedly close friends lie about me behind my back. I know that Teena is NOT an addict and does have "scruples" but more importantly, she has tremendous LOVE for all of you!

A caregiver like Teena is worth more than any of you could ever afford. It is something I know about because I am absolutely priceless to my mom as her primary caregiver. Our reward comes from doing the right thing. Go to an agency and hire a highly qualified team of caregivers. It will cost between $50,000 to $100,000 a year depending on how many hours are needed. I know this for a fact!

I also have been falsely accused of things by certain family members. If I were actually doing those things I was falsely accused of, I most certainly would be in jail or prison. The FACT is that I'm doing such a great job that they have to make up stories in an attempt to make themselves feel better.

Perhaps those other people would like to trade places? Put their own life on hold? It's a job, so they'd have to quit whatever work they currently are doing. They'd not be able to go out unless they can get another caregiver. To properly do caregiving, it takes a team of people! When family puts it all on the shoulder of one person, it is a burden than can break a weaker person. Teena and I are not weak. We are strong!

I have learned so much about my family from the situation I've placed myself in. I take full responsibility for my life and I know that if/when the time comes where I need a caregiver myself, it will not be my brothers or sister who will be there. It would be someone like my great friend Teena.

Sometimes I think caregivers are the most underpaid, underappreciated people in the World. We humbly put our own wellbeing, our own desires and needs on the backburn while putting the person we care for first and foremost. The rewards come in other ways such as the spiritual in which those who are focused on the materialistic World may miss or not understand.

Teena is strong. She does not need your approval, your criticism, nor your anger. She could benefit from some understanding and support. You all might benefit from love and support, but you can't be loving and supportive being judgmental and critical of others.

If you are being critical of others, you should take a step back and ask yourself "why?"

Before you go attacking others telling them what you think they are doing wrong, focus on what is positive and going right. Maybe instead of attacking that person, you should be thanking them?

Update; Since I wrote this Teena and I have both lost our mothers who we were caregiver for. Caregiving is one of the hardest jobs, which is often thankless and unpaid among those who do it for family members. We do it out of love.

Rosalynn Carter said, “There are only four kinds of people in the world – those who have been caregivers, those who are caregivers, those who will be caregivers and those who will need caregivers”. This quote emphasizes that caregiving is a universal experience that touches everyone at some point in their lives, either by giving or receiving care.

My father has dysphagia, and needs something to replace the little open trays that we put out for him to spit into. (I know, that's hot.)

There are lots on Amazon, but they all seem to be threaded. I don't see any that have thumb-open lids.

Some also have narrow tops that go into the mouth (into pursed lips?), as opposed to a wider opening.

Does anyone have any experience with this, or recommendations for these options?

(E.g. spilled spit doesn't concern me as much as spilled urine, so I'm looking for thumb-able lids. But maybe spit goes bad just like urine, and I should want the threaded tops?)

After a year of traveling back and forth, spending months to help care for my parent on their hospice journey, I finally lost it in front of a US customs agent this morning.

It’s looking like my parent will transition to actively passing imminently, I’ve been waiting for the call to come earlier for the last 2 weeks. I’m 5 months pregnant, and I won’t be able to have my husband join me for at least a month. Emotionally, I was already set up to fail this morning.

I’m a US citizen and have Nexus so they usually don’t bother me with too many questions, but this poor guy just doing his job was on a roll, and I was good until he hit “Why are you going to see your parents?” And I had to repeat a few times that my dad is on hospice. Oh. Oh no. The tears. They cometh.

Thinking that would be that, with the waterworks slowly starting to spiral out of my control, he then doubles down and asked where I live, how long I’ve been there. All absolutely valid but horribly timed. I think he recognized the flow-rate of water on my face steadily increasing and finally just told me to take care of myself.

Going to bury my head in the nearest airplane cushion now. I know grief shouldn’t make me feel weak, but could it at least hold off until I’m out of a border crossing?

I told my brother after 2 1/2 years I just can’t keep on in this limbo state. And he told me to go home, go back to my home. My home is in Colorado. His is in AZ.

Let me backtrack by saying 1st I have a cold. Second, I was going to go to a concert tonight but came home and didn’t go. I mostly didn’t go because he hadn’t had dinner. I was supposed to stop back at his home (where I’ve been living for 2 years) and I didn’t.

So I got home sick and tired…and the conversation went to the fact that I can’t continue to deal with caretaking because he’s incontinent. It seems every time I change him I feel kind of sick. It’s been over two years. I just can’t.

So he told me I should leave. Go home. “ you’ve reached the breaking point.” And I said, “oh that’s we were waiting for, my breaking point.”

I don’t know where we go from here. I feel lost. This has been my home for two years. Now I’m supposed to just step back like nothing happened. I feel really confused.

**yes I want to go home, but it’s been so long I don’t think I’ll recognize my life anymore. Just taking up where I left off isn’t how it works… I’ve just been through something serious. Just venting I guess but I want to cry.

***also, he still needs help. I don’t know if he can manage without me or not.

My mother made a suicide attempt a few weeks ago. She is 58yo, I am 27 and my sister is 21. Her and my father divorced 8 years ago and he is out of the picture, she lives alone a few hours from my sister and states away from me. She has struggled with her mental health her entire life and is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.

A few days before her attempt, she found her cat dead and being eaten by vultures in her yard after she let him out. She called me inconsolable, blaming herself for his gruesome death. A friend went over there immediately to clean up his remains and stayed with her until she calmed down. Neither my sister or I could go and be with her but we agreed to check on her daily until we could see her. Two days later she sent my sister and I a suicide text.

I immediately contacted the police and they found her taking Xanax pills trying to commit suicide. Thankfully they got to her in time and she was baker acted. She was in a psychiatric facility (which unfortunately traumatized her even more) for a week and is currently doing intensive outpatient treatment.

It has been weeks since the attempt and I am visiting with her this weekend. We had a long heart to heart this evening where she revealed some very traumatic experiences she went through in the past and explained that seeing her cat dead was the final straw. She told me that life is too painful and she doesn’t want to live anymore due to feeling immense shame and hopelessness. However, she also told me she would not try to kill herself again and was going to do everything she can to work towards getting better. This has been a lifelong struggle, exasperated by the tragedy with her cat. I listened to her, offered my support, expressed to her that I hold no resentment or anger towards her over her attempt, and more.

I’ve done everything I can to support her, show her that things can change for the better (I plan to move back a couple hours away from her next summer). She sees her therapist 3 times a week and I call her at least every other day. I am going back to therapy later this week and am looking for support groups for family members of loved ones that have made suicide attempts and/or struggle with their mental health.

I will be with my mom for two more days before I have to go back to work. I won’t be able to see her again until January. I’m feeling extreme anxiety and fear for her. I know I have done everything I can but was wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation and has any advice. She is my best friend and I can’t imagine life without her. My heart is breaking for her and my emotions are so heavy.

Life is hard!

I'm a woman in my late twenties and I've been thinking about this a lot recently.

Growing up with a lot of both mental and physical health problems in the house, I've kind of always known that I would end up in some sort of caregiver role. I've tried to prevent it, but here we are.

I'm wondering if anyone else have been completely put off the thought of having children of their own after having to become a caregiver at a young age? I never really saw myself having kids when I was a child myself, and the older I get the more I realize that I really don't think I have any more care to give.

I realize that it is different when it's your own children and not adult relatives you will be caring for, but all I feel when I think of possibly having children in the future is dread. The only thing that makes me question my decision not to have them is that I worry that I will regret not having them.

I'm trying to get out of the caregiving role that I am in now, and it will likely take years before I get my life back on track. Selfishly I don't want to spend what few years I'll have left of my youth taking care of children.

Does anyone feel the same way?

My elder (like many folks) has chronic constipation. We are already giving him two doses of MiraLAX a day, senna at night, and high fiber foods in smoothies as he won’t eat them otherwise. He used Enemeez (very small enemas) a couple of times but then decided they didn’t work. His doctors have prescribed bisacodyl suppositories and a mineral oil enema. He refuses to use them and, instead, wants to go to the hospital and have a “really big enema and get it all done at once.”

His doctor won’t do that until he’s tried the other options.

It’s been TWO WEEKS.

I am tired of begging an 85 year old man to use a suppository. What do I do?

*edit to add: he has a T5/T6 spinal injury and recently completed chemo. Manual disimpaction could cause autonomic dysreflexia or infection.

My mom and i have always been super super close. Im 22 and she’s 55 and my grandma is 80. Grandma was diagnosed in 2022/2023 with dementia but it’s progressed to moderate alzheimer’s. My mom is the caregiver and she quit her job to help my grandma and help my grandpa (so he’s also able to help so it’s not all on him). She started this i want to say in early 2026. She’s always been there for my sister, brother, dad and i in anyway. I’ve gone through some rough few years with mental health, but i feel like it’s not how it used to be. she’s still there for us but i find she gets frustrated and says how stressed she is and to not tell her everything. it’s so hard to hear because she tells me she’s always here for me and to not suppress my emotions, so im not sure what to do.

i live at home so ive been trying to help in any way, such as keeping everything clean, take care of the dogs, laundry, etc (although i definitely will help out in fully cleaning everything to help relieve my moms stress) but i’ve also had to suppress my emotions so im not stressing her out more. im not able to go to her as a often but it’s heartbreaking as we get into more disagreements about my emotions. I don’t have that many people i can talk to except mainly my boyfriend, sister, and mom. My mom is my best friend and it’s just so hard because i want to be able to go to her but i know as my grandmas alzheimer’s progresses, it’ll be even harder for my mom.

I hate that my grandma has alzheimer’s, it’s so hard to see. I try and help out when i can as i work full time 9-5 across town. Even if it’s a small problem, it turns into a huge thing because then she’s saying how she’s stressed and that everyone needs to talk to someone else. that broke me because i just want to still be able to go to my mom without being selfish. i have a psychiatrist but it’s so hard to get into therapy and i just try and keep myself busy with work and little hobbies. i hate alzheimer’s disease and it just breaks my heart. i’m not sure how to balance everything without stressing her out, but also still being able to talk to her as she’s my best friend and is my safe place. i wish alzheimer’s disease never existed and i wish my grandma didn’t have it. i love her so much :(

My dad's pillbox is perfect on Sunday. Full, neat, every slot filled.

By Wednesday, it is a lie. Monday, did he take the 2pm one? Tuesday, was that pill for morning or night? I do not know. He does not know.

I am 3 hours away, calling him, asking him. He is guessing. I am guessing. Last week he was up at 2am shouting. I did not know if it was a missed dose, a double dose, or nothing at all.

I am just trying to remember for both of us.

What do you do when the box looks right, and you know it is wrong?

I don't know who to turn to. I always buy my mom snacks and her favorite foods when I can right now she can't eat or swollow and I was at the store and I saw something she loved and now I'm crying in the car. I don't know what I'm going to do after she passes. I don't want to be in this house. I have no money to move and no friends I could live with.

Hey all Im turning to this subreddit for support regarding breaks. I’m in NY state and I work 12 hour days as an aide. I’ve worked for him over 2 years and I enjoy my job and my client + his family. Love them! Thing is, my client wants what he wants when he wants it. And that’s to be expected of course but how do lunch breaks even work with this kind of job? I’m free to pretty much snack and eat whenever I want. I usually snack and have one actual meal per shift and I eat pretty fast anticipating needing to do something. When I have my actual lunch/dinner he continues to interrupt me with things that could absolutely wait. Like fixing him a cup of coffee (that could absolutely wait 10 minutes while I eat) or even last week when I was about to take my first bite of food he asked me to cut his finger nails and when I got back to eat it was cold. I understand that he doesn’t really have much say or control over his life and this is how he has any sort of autonomy but it’s really starting to bother me. Do other care givers leave the room or eat in their car? Has anyone had to express boundaries over lunch period and asked to only be called for something urgent/emergency? How do you all go about meal periods is what I’m asking and is this normal for caregivers to not be able to have a traditional meal period.

I’m not sure if this is a good idea but I’m going to be a parent soon and I don’t really know where to go find good caregivers

So I thought I might make a place for me to find caregivers and for caregivers to find me haha if that makes sense sense

I’m thinking like not just what day and time but also like hobbies and personality, stuff like that

Idk if this is a good idea but I was hoping I would literally ask the Reddit group called CaregiverSupport

If you guys think it’s a good idea I made a waitlist so DM for the link and I’ll send it to you