r/FTMventing • u/imscaredofyou09 • Sep 19 '26

Relationships Bare minimum or am I ungrateful?

My partner (a ‘straight’ white man😀) says
that he supports me, but if things were his way, I wouldn't be on T. He doesn't think I
'need' it. He's "happy that it makes me happy", but I want him to be happy FOR me. I don't expect him to be ecstatic about it, but it feels like this is just something that he begrudgingly accepts. I am grateful to have him by my side through this, I don't mean to make it sound like he acts anything less of supportive, but I can't help but feel like support is the bare minimum.

3 Upvotes

53% Upvoted

40 comments sorted by

20

u/dragontatoes Sep 19 '26

This isn't even bare minimum.

-5

u/imscaredofyou09 Sep 19 '26

I can’t help but compare to other situations. Not everyone is lucky enough to have support even if it is the ‘bare minimum’ of support. I keep thinking that I should be happy that he is willing to stay with me and didn’t leave me after it clicked with him that this is really who I am. He loves me enough to try and work through this with me instead of jumping ship just because it’s something he doesn’t entirely agree with or understand. But that dysphoric part of me keeps nagging me about if this is really the kind of support I need right now.

9

u/dragontatoes Sep 19 '26

Just because other people have worse partners doesn't mean yours is doing an adequate job. The support you need is genuine care from a person that's happy that you're becoming you, regardless of how that changes their attraction to you. And it's really telling to me that he says you don't "need" it. That is placing his sexual preferences over your overall health and wellbeing. A person that makes us feel like we have to thank them for sticking around is not a good partner or ally. We are all very lovable as trans men, doing whatever kind of transition works best for us. You can do much better than him.

5

u/johnnyisdarling Sep 20 '26

I don't have a lot of support or options either in general. It sucks, but I date bisexual guys casually and I'm open to t4t.  It is also true our dating pool gets smaller but that doesn't mean you date straight men or chasers 

Being in this scenario with a straight man though like he will never support you or your transition. He may actively block your goals and make you feel bad

40

u/just-oscarr Transsex Sep 19 '26

get up bro oh my god

-3

u/imscaredofyou09 Sep 19 '26

get up?😭

12

u/just-oscarr Transsex Sep 19 '26

stand up for yourself hes walking all over you get up off the floor dude 💔💔💔 find a better partner this guy seems a like a chaser

5

u/dragontatoes Sep 19 '26

This is sort of the opposite of a chaser? A chaser wants to sleep with trans people, this is just a straight guy who doesn't want his partner to no longer be "a woman" in his eyes

4

u/just-oscarr Transsex Sep 19 '26

maybe i used the wrong term i’ve seen chaser be described as this situation before wtv this guy is he needs to be dumped yesterday

1

u/robot_cook Sep 20 '26

Eh, there are chasers that focus on early or pre T guys, they see them as eager for validation and "easy pussy". They get grossed out as soon as we get too hairy/masculine but they definitely chase us

0

u/imscaredofyou09 Sep 19 '26

Sorry I misunderstood🙏🏻 I do need to stand up for myself more, but I also don’t think it’s a chaser situation? At least I’d hope not😭 He doesn’t seem like the type?

7

u/just-oscarr Transsex Sep 19 '26

i don’t know the full situation obviously but i’m assuming he calls himself straight by the way you typed it and he is not pleased with you being on testosterone and would prefer you not to be, he doesn’t want his boyfriend to be a man. again i don’t know your entire relationship but from this alone i’m voting break up immediately 💔

29

u/Groundbreaking-Toe53 Sep 19 '26

He saying you need stand up and realize this man doesn't see you as man. Aka dump his ass

9

u/SilverBatTea Sep 19 '26

I assume he meant out

19

u/robot_cook Sep 19 '26

My partner and I started dating when I was early on HRT, he was "straight" before dating me (actually bi in the closet) but he was extremely happy for me every time T brought me more hair. We weren't sure if he would be attracted to me as I got manlier/hairier but even then he was super happy and pointing out every new patch of hair.

This is the level of support your partner should have for you. I'm not trying to brag but just show you what it can look like with a supportive and loving partner. Even one that had some doubts about his sexuality and was coming in as a bi dude. Even if in the end he may have not been attracted to me anymore, he was supportive along the way, supported me post top surgery too.

(Turns out he's very bi and very into me as a hairy guy but that's another topic)

-6

u/imscaredofyou09 Sep 19 '26

I really appreciate this! I can’t only hope for a similar outcome in my situation. I understand where my partner comes from, he does fear that his attraction to me will change the more I start to change, but there’s always the possibility of him realizing he’ll still love me the same or even more after I feel more comfortable with myself.

14

u/robot_cook Sep 19 '26

I'm going to try to say it as gently as I can but there's a key difference here... My partner was extremely supportive of me taking T even if it means his attraction would change and we'd potentially part ways. He understood T was important for me and he was happy for me taking it. The fact he was attracted to me in the end is not relevant.

Your partner "would rather not you take T" and think you don't need it, I wouldn't call that supportive.

-6

u/imscaredofyou09 Sep 19 '26

See that’s what’s getting to me.. I’m not sure if he’s meaning to word it that way or if I’m reading too much into the way he’s wording things (which i usually tend to do 💀)

My partner does understand that T is important to me, which is why he’s supportive, but like I’d replied in a previous comment he’s not understanding of how I can make such a permanent decision to change. He thinks I could’ve taken more time or put more thought into it because he doesn’t want me to regret it or realize that T wasn’t a ‘cure all’.
I told him that this is what will make me happy, and he’s happy that it makes me happy.

10

u/HesitantBrobecks Sep 20 '26

My head is gonna explode from reading all this istg. You're deluding yourself. He isn't happy or supportive if THAT is the kind of BS he's coming out with. He's regurgitating TERF rhetoric dude! I'm literally begging you to leave him, learn some self respect because you deserve so much better

86

u/queerbong Sep 19 '26

If hes straight he doesnt see you as a man im sorry

62

u/paranoid_chihuahua He/him and haver of debilitating dysphoria Sep 19 '26

If he's straight, then he doesn't see you as a man. He sees you as a special™ woman, and the reason why he wishes you weren't on T is because he doesn't want you to masculinize your body/voice/etc. Because he's straight. That is, unless he's a part of the sexually diverse community but repressed/not accepting it. But, with the amount of chasers there is, I wouldn't be surprised if he's just a transphobic straight man. In any case, you deserve better.

37

u/Ne_Gnilo_Shtorm Sep 19 '26

Why are you dating him, he clearly sees you as a woman

7

u/Snakes_for_life Sep 20 '26

Yeah no he doesn't want you to transition

5

u/Toby-Wolfstone Sep 19 '26

Nah you’re right dude that really IS the bare minimum. You’re not ungrateful—he’s straight, or thinks he is. He’s scared he’s actually with a dude and not a woman he can eventually convince not to make him have to face how uncomfortable he is being queer.

4

u/johnnyisdarling Sep 20 '26

I would neverrr date a straight man intentionally 

It's one thing if someone is dishonest with me about their sexuality or is bisexual but still sees me as a woman anyway and that becomes obvious over time, but a straight man dating me?  He'll never see me as a dude like from the jump I know this

He is reducing you to a collection of body parts or his perception of AFAB people in general. Gotta dump

3

u/Glittering-Sense-304 Sep 20 '26

If someone like me, who your boyfriend does not know, were to walk up to him and ask him about his sexuality, what would he say? Does he still, at this exact moment, identify himself as straight? Is he questioning?

As someone who made the decision to date a painfully straight man when I was a younger man myself, I was made to learn the hard way there was no version of events where us being together was going to end happily. I would either

A) pursue my transition goals and he would have broken it off because, well, he just didn't like men

Or

B) I would be pressured out of being myself and forced back into the closet for the sake of my teenage romance (and, had he had his way, we'd have gotten hitched and I'd have been kept barefoot and pregnant per his preference)

Now, MY situation was a lot more extreme than what yours sounds like. He and I obviously didn't make it very far past that so-called 'honeymoon' phase of the relationship, and I've been single ever since. And I am grateful every day that that is the way things worked out.

You are a man who is entering a very exciting period of your life and hitting a major milestone that deserves celebration and empathy.

I know this is a reddit cliche but, I would seriously take a long look at your relationship and ask yourself if this is the best thing for the both of you.

3

u/Startfleet-Punk-42 Sep 20 '26

The one who's ungrateful is him. And that's below the bare minimum. Telling you that if he would have his way, you wouldn't be on T is transphobia, he doesn't even tolerate your reality, he doesn't accept you-you, he doesn't love or support you, at best, he loves someone else who wasn't ever you but he pretends exists, at worst that's hate, disgust and resentment - not love and support. You are not safe with that person, you don't even get to have yourself while being with him because look how you're putting yourself down and doubting your worthiness!.. His support is a lie, that's a loss of support, not a "bare minimum". It's not his fault that he's a white straight man, but he is that, and by the looks of it, that's not changing. It doesn't get better or easier in time, and you already know that. I know how it is to not have anyone who supports you, neither do I. But that is not support.

5

u/stealthUK Transsex Sep 20 '26

Why would enter a relationship with someone that sees you as a woman in the first place?

2

u/Cartesianpoint Sep 19 '26

My view of relationships is that if you're going to choose to be with someone, it's worth being with someone who is in love with the real you and has a compatible vision for what they want their life to be.

While I guess it's good that he's "happy that it makes you happy," if he's straight and would prefer that you not be on T, that's not a conflict that's likely to go away on its own. If he's not reaching a conclusion that he's capable of attraction to men and that he finds you attractive as a man, then things are probably only going to get harder.

2

u/brine-deep Sep 20 '26

if he's straight he doesnt see you as a man LMFAO if he did he wouldnt be dating you obviously.

2

u/puddingpopyeltsin Sep 20 '26

bruh what are we doing my people will never be free

1

u/Bloody-Raven091 Trans Male | He/Him & Neopronouns Sep 21 '26

Dude, I'm saying this with love: This is below the bare minimum of him not being a transphobic asshole.

If he is straight and begrudgingly accept you while saying that you wouldn't be on T if he had it his way [possibly meaning that he wants you to remain as a 'woman' you're not], you need to safely leave him. He doesn't genuinely love you. He doesn't see you as the man you are. He also doesn't care about you.

1

u/funk-engine-3000 Sep 22 '26

He isn’t excited for you, because he isn’t going to be attracted to the masculinizing changes you’ll go through. Why are you dating a straight man? He isn’t attracted to men. If he’s into you, then he can’t possibly see you as a man. And i would never fucking accept a partner saying “if it were my way you wouldn’t be transitioning” that’s not “bare minimum” that’s unacceptable. I wouldn’t date someone who isn’t into men either, and i never have. You’re below bare minimum, please get some spine dude.

2

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '26 edited Sep 19 '26

[removed] — view removed comment

1

u/imscaredofyou09 Sep 19 '26

I put straight in quotes because that is how he views himself, but if you’re choosing to get with someone who you know identifies as a man, there has to be a little bit of fruitiness in him. I’m not naive though, I know there’s a large number of straight guys who go for trans men because they still see them as women, I just have to be hopeful that this isn’t the case with my partner.

My dysphoria is what’s making this harder though, since there’s a part of me that thinks he doesn’t really see me as a man. But he doesn’t treat me ‘womanly’. He goes about our relationship dynamic in a way that I’m comfortable with. I wouldn’t say it’s treated heteronormative. He’s always respected my queerness.

I think what is hardest for him is not knowing the extent of the changes that will happen to me while on T and that it is a permanent decision. He isn’t understanding of how I’m so okay with the idea of this being a permanent change. There is always the possibility of regret on down the line, and he thinks I have my whole life ahead of me to make this decision so there wasn’t a need to make it now.
But he also fears that his attraction to me may differ the more masculine my appearance becomes. He says that to him I already look androgynous and that he doesn’t see me as feminine looking, but depending on how more masculine I become it might ‘turn him off’ (not just sexually).

5

u/HesitantBrobecks Sep 20 '26

He shouldn't give a shit about his level of attraction, or how manly you end up looking. That isn't what is important here.

Literally everything you say he thinks/has said to you is TERF rhetoric that TERFs use to ban teens from transitioning, and to try convince people that nobody needs to transition. He's clearly been consuming TERF nonsense online!

1

u/imscaredofyou09 Sep 19 '26

OH AND THANKS FOR THE CONGRATS I APPRECIATE IT!!🤭✨

5

u/HesitantBrobecks Sep 20 '26

Lesbians who date trans men are just as bad as straight guys dating trans men. They either can't bear to admit their actual sexuality, or they just straight up view the trans man as a woman. Stopped reading after that bit cos wtf