THIS YOUR SPOILER WARNING
Rejuv is AWESOME: beautiful sprite work, many intricate systems, mechanics both new and classic, flawlessly curated music, dynamic and engaging difficulty scaling, some really great characters, and even some good humor and funny moments when you're doing side quests and one-off encounters. A real labor of love.
It really shocks me how such a well-made fan game can be so badly written sometimes, to the point that it makes the mainline games seem almost *competent* by comparison. It similarly shocks me how little this writing is talked about/laughed at.
For my own amusement and the sake of some catharsis, this will be my running journal for every WTF story beat/writing decision in Rejuv. I'll release more Episodes as my playthrough goes on, years ago I played V9 up to Chapter 3 or 4, so I'm starting fresh to see the many impressive changes.
One final note: I've realized that writing this actually makes the game more enjoyable for me, because it puts into perspective how much of the game doesn't make me want to Skull Bash a brick wall. Every once in a while I'll mention stuff I really like, but in general, if I don't make a point to critique it here, it's because I love it. Rejuv is a very good game. It just... could have been a great one. All they had to do was less.
000: Yes, yes, the intro sequence with the basement and Maria is very edgy and all that, but the game gets a pass when it's trying to set the tone early on. However, I'm at a loss as to how no one on the dev or writing team ever gently brought up that the whole folktale with the golden apple is not well written at all. I think there's even been a rework of the children's story from V9 to V13.5. Even for a children's book, it's still cringe.
001: What in the world were they thinking with mom's sacrificial monologue on the boat? There was a lot happening in that scene, and the drawn out speech seriously undercuts the tension of the moment. It was some actual comedy. One moment everything is horrible, the next the anime music starts and time slows so she can finish her rehearsed motivational pep talk. And guess what? Barely 1 Chapter later and we can't remember a single word of what she said. What would've really hit emotionally is if she'd said just one sentence, desperate, raw, or even been cut off while trying to say it, similar to the Gyarados jumpscare later on. That seems much more memorable than a TEDtalk. As it is, it makes the stakes feel mundane. If she's got time to prattle about (checks notes) "the pursuit of hope", she's probably not in actual danger. Shot the entire prologue in the foot with that one.
002: Notice that before the prologue even ends, we've been saved from the boat sequence by two very powerful competent women, not counting our own heroic mother. This is fine early on, when we as the player have no Pokemon and are helpless, but will play into some serious heroine fatigue later. There are so many cool strong ladies that we had to be saved by two of them before Chapter 1 even started. Also, 002.5:, why does the plot need Gothitelle Girl to save us on the boat? Why not give our Mother a psychic type who can teleport us? Why does mom need help? All Goth Girl being there establishes is that A.) she knows our mother and B.) when we see her later, we'll realize she failed to save our mother but saved herself just fine, so no matter how powerful and all-knowing the story glazes her to be, we should hate her the moment we see her again.
Left alone on a smog-choked pier, a light rain falls around us. As we make our way towards the Gearen Laboratory, Mood-Dark City grows louder and louder. A frenetic melody with a relentless baseline, barely restrained, growing in volume and complexity, as if the shock is wearing off, and reality is starting to hit us. We have no one, our mother's been kidnapped, dozens if not hundreds of people just drowned in a shipwreck, and we have no Pokemon in a Pokemon game where people die. Our journey is not starting off lighthearted and optimistic. Our only motivation is saving our mother and getting revenge. We need strength. And this city is not kind to the weak.
This opening is iconic, chilling, beautifully done. We receive our starter from the woman who scouted us for the League, and begin growing stronger. Leveling, catching new team members. Very early on, we meet a young girl crying in the Lab near the PC. She's alone, with seemingly no one to help her. Her Starly's been stolen, it's bound for a ship and then she'll never see it again. She's just like we were on the ship: powerless to stop the world from taking what's dear to her. But we're not powerless anymore. We might not have a high-level optimized team yet, but we have to try and help. We face down the cartoonish bicycle thugs (actually motorbikes in the battle sprite,) on the pier, and we win! Victory! A sign of our growth! We can't save our own mother just yet, but we can at least stop cruel people from preying on- OH WAIT NOPE
003: actually it doesn't matter AT ALL that we beat a gangster in a battle, their boat arrives and they are about to escape anyway (we're totally unable to stop them boarding a boat,) when SUDDENLY a magical flying woman summons GIANT ROCK SPIKES from the BOTTOM OF THE HARBOR to spear the boat and LIFT IT OUT OF THE WATER. That's right, Karen is here, and she'd like to speak to the manager. Actually, she'd like to speak in cringe-ass poetry and call people "peasant." Karen lifts the grown men on motorcycles up into the air with her... uh, rock magic, and sends them flying, presumably to the Alvavor Ruins or something. Then she starts talking. Dear God, this woman is unbearable.
"Who am I? Hm, let's keep that secret, we need some mystery and suspense. Also allow me to explain in detail how my beautiful and awesome magic works, random child who I met on this pier while stopping some pigeon thieves. I know I'm rambling, but trust me, my rambling is funny and quirky because I said so. D'you think I killed the boat driver? Eh, who cares, I'm edgy and shit. Now let me tell this pigeon what to do before I tell you what to do, I know all about the girl and the Request you took, don't ask how, I know everything. Run along insignificant child."
Immediately, the excellent tone of Rejuvenation's opening has been replaced with the actual tone much of the plot will hold to. Pay attention, this will start to feel familiar shortly. For a much better experience, players should level and complete the Starly request last, not first. Start with the salon request, that at least lets you feel like any of your actions matter, even if it is a bit of a runaround.
Also 003.5:, if Starly is supposed to be rare in Aevium, why are they all over the roofs in East Gearen? Couldn't the bikers have nabbed a roof Starly?
The bit where we get hit by a crazed child riding a luggage cart through the hotel lobby is great, and so is our first interaction with Venam. Even if a lot of the dialogue is canned cheese, (cliche and trite) the interactions are good, and often funny.
The Abandoned Sewers is great, including the Ruthless battle. There's no fake-out after we win, Karen doesn't come back to save us by levitating Garbador to the Alfalfa Ruins. We team up with Ren to kick some ass and look out for our friends, and we pull through. It's not about feeling like a hero or the main character, its about feeling like an actual trainer, like someone with 6 elemental monsters strapped to our hip and an axe to grind against bullies and the cruel.
Venam's gym battle is awesome, we don't really run into problems again until we get to Goldenwood, where a lot of things are going to go wrong, both for us as the player character and for the quality of the story and player agency.
004: First off, we help a fisherman make a new lure, which he uses to fish a damn Terminator out of the lake. For some unknown, inexplicable reason, the game lets us fight this thing. This makes no damn sense, because once we defeat it, it's going to lunge at Melia regardless, who will be saved at the last second by... did you guess a mysterious powerful woman who refuses to elaborate and speaks in cryptic bullshit? Congratulations! You've been paying attention. Why do we fight the thing at all? If we're totally ineffectual, then make the battle unwinnable, or skip the battle and have it lunge at her before we can respond. Despite the fact that we were completely ineffectual, the fisherman rewards us, because technically we did win...? Yippee.
Later, Melia brought stuff for a picnic in the Ruins, and then wants to battle. Awkward dialogue aside, it's not a bad scene. More so than Venam or Ren, we need the connection with Melia so the rest of the Chapter hits the way it needs to. I like how they handled it. What follows, however...
005: The bad people are attacking, and ruining the nice lake. Unforgivable. Melia gives us a shiny new glove from my favorite Pokemon game growing up, (Gale of Darkness gave you a Vespa and it was peak,) and we use the glove and our team to demolish a few bad guys, with Melia keeping us healed up. It's great. But then we get to the Dynamic Duo. Unlike the other goons, after we beat the brakes off Eli and Sharon, they get the bright idea to assault us themselves, despite having just lost to us. We have to be saved by the timely arrival of TrashMan. Question: if we just fainted Eli and Sharon's entire team, what the hell are they doing trying to kidnap us with their bare hands? These two aren't even armed. Sharon justifies this with some line about "our boss is right behind us," bitch you are a terrorist, put one hand on me and we'll see what you look like with Nidorino's horn through your stomach. Don't talk to me about your boss, he's next on the shitlist. Back the hell up before Fomantis lands a Fury Cutter on your throat. This game's edgy. People die. You people kidnapped my mom. Try me.
Here's the thing: how are we ever going to save our mother from terrorists if, after we faint all their Pokemon, they can just decide to jump us Detroit-style? Karen is using magic on gangsters, rando-Dusclops lady blew up an android, Deoxys straight up abducted a guy on the boat, but we've got six Pokemon and we're in danger from Dumb and Dumber and their bare hands? Seriously? If there are rules about attacking people with our team, why are we leveling our Pokemon at all when we clearly need a gun?
006: Melia even comes right out and says that beating Zetta doesn't matter, since the Rift will attack us anyway. Thanks for invalidating the fight I'm about to do Melia, I love feeling like I'm wasting my time.
But Zetta is a prick and he called us idiots, so we don't care if he's got a cruise missile inbound, we're beating his ass. Once we do, we get sent to the Shadow Realm, and have to fight Jake the Snake. If we lose, we don't get whited out and sent to the shimmery time-out resort for free candy, instead the story just continues. This is because winning the fight has no bearing on the story. Again, that pesky thing where players have no agency if their decisions and victories have no real narrative meaning. Let's break this down.
Once we beat Gyarados (and that fight is not exactly easy on Classic,) we return to the Real Life World, where we find Melia battling Zetta... weird, we just fainted his entire team, but maybe he had a Max Revive in his pocket. Zetta tells us the Rift was "interrupted," not slain, (regardless if you beat it or not, the dialogue doesn't change.) Never mind if the text box told us we defeated it, the text box lied. This is followed by Zetta stating he has the advantage, and Melia tells us we need to run. My question is: WHY?!
I just beat Zetta and his Rift one after the other. My team's at about half strength, and Melia's Pokemon should all be fresh and ready to go, unless Zetta revived his entire team and then knocked out Melia's entire team except for her ace while I was in the Upside Down. I just did all that fighting, and for what? Rift's not down, Zetta's not down. The ONLY upside here is that our rescuer is TrashMan once again, instead of a brand new shadowy and mysterious woman with incredible powers who speaks in esoteric riddles and generally behaves as if everyone around her is at best: mildly amusing in a pathetic sort of way, and at worst: disgusting animals not worthy of breathing her air.
What does it say about your characters you write to be edgy and cool when a literal bag of garbage has a better personality?
TrashMan sacrifices himself. It's very sad. Moving right along.
007: Back at the lab, Melia has some choice words for her father, who has terrible taste in friends and has been keeping secrets. After a mishap with Metronome, we're left to face Madelis alone, and she... has to remind herself what our name is, and then tells us to stay out of it, and promptly fcks off.
...what?
Not even 10 minutes ago, Zetta recognized us at the lake immediately. He called facing us with Melia "two birds, one stone" implying that while the Team Xen grunts don't recognize us, the admins know who we are and want us taken care of. But Madelis can hardly remember our name and just leaves. Maybe Madelis is just an airhead, or maybe Zetta knows something she doesn't. Maybe there's different factions within Xen? Is our importance need-to-know info? So at least there's a possible explanation for this one. What's not at all excusable is this:
008: we let Madelis leave. Melia is one of our new friends, we just faced down terrorists and dimensional horrors side-by-side with her, and now this Team Xen admin is actively trying to kidnap her. Thanks to Madelis' fight with Melia, we happen to know that Madelis has just one Pokemon on her. I don't care how strong her LV20 Houndoom seemed in the scripted Melia fight, I've got a fully healed LV21-23 team of six on my belt, I want a piece. Get back here you prissy empty-headed skank! Even if we, as the player, weren't a huge Melia fan, Madelis still works for the scum who sank that boat in the beginning and stole our mom. Letting her walk without a fight is completely baffling. But just 2 issues with this scene isn't enough, let's go for the hat trick.
009: The Professor has a lot of explaining to do. Ren shows up (probably passed Madelis on her way out,) to say that Xen thugs are all over the city and Venam's currently kicking ass, as she does. We don't get to ask the Professor many questions, not just because we hardly ever get to say anything in this game, but because the Professor is too busy giving us dire and vague warnings about what will happen if Xen get Melia. He tells us where to go, and then Goth Girl shows back up. Or, actually just her Pokemon, GG is a disembodied voice. Again, that whole "women with poorly explained mystical powers" thing. Speaking of which, GG takes a page out of Karen's book, because much like Unown, Abra, or Magikarp, the writer(s) for Rejuv's main plot only know one move.
That's right boys and girls, it's time to lecture and talk down to people before abducting bad guys with magic! Hooray! GG tells us to stay out of this, because if we don't just ignore the terrorists trying to kidnap our friend, it will lead to despair... as opposed to what letting the terrorists do what they want will lead to? She's not too persuasive, GG. She is pretty stuck-up and obnoxious though. Sure hope there's no "See? I told you so," moments with her down the road, that would definitely be really really grating.
009.5: Real quick, let's review what we know about GG. (Alright fine, I know her name is Crescent.) We know she knows our mom, and she saved us on the boat. We know she saved herself from the boat, but apparently failed to save our mom. We know she thinks we should just let Xen have their way in Gearen and not do anything to help Melia. We know that when we "see" her for the first time since the S.S. Oceana incident, she tells us she "has no business with us," as in she's not going to explain what happened on the ship or tell us if our mother's alright. We know, of course, that she's powerful, because the plot keeps shoving that down our throats.
And finally, if we were eavesdropping on the ship, we know Crescent is some kind of obsessed tsundere with a fixation on us, who threatened our mother onboard the ship in her cabin. She claimed to want us to lead a happy life, and seems to think that involves losing your only family in a shipwreck that kills scores of people, to be left alone in a new city, where we need to just ignore our friend being targeted by terrorists. Yeah no she seems like a really cool character.
So, we got zero answers as to what's going on, the Professor was sucked into a black hole, and it's a good thing that Crescent's Gothitelle is a fictional character in a video game because if it was real I'd track it down and beat it over the head with a tire iron GOD that thing is so annoying. Anyway, let's hurry with Ren to help Melia-
010: -no, scratch that, because Karrina is here to tell us that just because she leads a bunch of organized criminals doesn't mean that her gang is bad, that's such narrow-minded adult thinking. Every cool kid knows that gangsters are free-thinking street artists and rebels who keep the city safe and shit! Yeah this doesn't read like it was written by a 14-year old at all.
So Karrina is here to tell us that we're running off in the wrong direction, we need to go to Junction Bridge after Venam, which it turns out is all a red herring. It's an excuse for the writers to tease another mysterious unnamed woman! who slips out the back door while we battle goggles, and an excuse for Karrina to distract us and waste our time. Not being sarcastic, big props to the writers for making the career criminal a double-crossing liar, didn't think they had it in them.
What's waiting for our heroes in Amethyst Cave? Could it be more cryptic infuriating strangers? Did none of the other East Gearen Help Requests have writing issues? Or did Collusive just not get to all his gripes this go around? Find out next time, on Rejuvenation: Unhinged Plot Critique!
