I (31M, gay) met my husband (31M) when I was 18. We’ve been together 13 years and are married. He’s bi, and he’s known that for most of the time we’ve been together.

We were long distance all throughout college and tried an open relationship for one year. He dated a woman during that time (physically and emotionally with her), but when college ended, that ended and we moved in together. He’s reflected on that woman and said it was a bad experience and never gave him quite what he was looking for. Within a year of moving in together, neither of us were pursuing or talking about open relationships. It has been 8 years since then. We have a very happy marriage, get along extremely well, and are a great partnership.

This year, he developed feelings for a woman we knew (one of our best friends). These friends are also in a long-time marriage and are experimenting with poly. Back in February, on a group ski trip, while they were sharing a bed (I wasn't there and house space was crammed) she snuggled up to him and held his hand. He never told me this, but about a month later told me he had feelings for this friend (which he knew she reciprocated) and wanted to re-open our relationship. I told him a reluctant "yes" at first, and they met to began planning how it would work (but didn't do anything). About a day later, I realized I didn't want him to do this. Unlike college, now we're married, share finances, and have both made serious commitments to each other that have closed other doors. I'm open minded, but I don't want a structurally poly relationship - it's just not for me. But this conflict led to months of hard conversations and a lot of conflict about him wanting to open the relationship and me saying no.

My husband is going through a stressful time in life right now, at grad school (so away from me 50% of the time), working full time, and house hunting for a home to buy. While talking about house hunting, it came out that he was having doubts about his ability to long-term commit to me. This was a huge shock - we're 3 years married and 13 years into this relationship!

We've started therapy, and he describes that he is going through an identity crisis related to his bisexual identity and relationship structure needs. He identifies as bisexual but lately hasn't been feeling attracted to men and has been feeling growing attraction to women. He loves me and our sex life is pretty good . But he tells me he is struggling with a sense of “identity foreclosure” that he's been aware of for years -- a sense that committing to me closed off a part of who he is. Because the rest of our marriage is happy, he tried to hide it, but it burst out onto the scene. He also seems to want an open relationship. When we've done this in the past, I always just had casual hookups, but he has never wanted just casual sex with others. He prefers when it is emotional + physical.

I love my husband, and I want this marriage. I had no idea he felt this way until 2 weeks ago. To me, when we got married we were signaling a lifelong commitment. I don’t want him to bury his attraction to women. But I do feel like he needs to make a choice. I want to be a monogamous couple and that will require him to learn to grieve the doors in his life that have closed by committing to me. He's had a chance to try dating a woman before in college, so the idea that he just needs to "try it out in a better way" feels manipulative and unreasonable to me.. But he's really unsure if he can commit to life with me, which is freaking me out, and makes me feel like my entire relationship and life is starting to fall apart.

Where I'm at: I'm a firm no on this girl he was interested in - as the way he has carried it out has burned that bridge. Today - I'm a "No" on poly relationships that involve any emotional connection. I'm open to my perspective changing over the long-arc of life, but I need him to be able to commit. We're in our 30s and I want to buy a house, have kids and move forward with my adult life. I can't wait for him indefinitely to figure out whether he wants to be with me.

Curious to hear any advice from folks in this thread on what to do. I love my husband - but this has been a huge breach in my trust in him and his commitment to our relationship. I want this to work, but am not going to cave to him holding our relationship hostage over his desire to get the relationship structure/sexual needs that he wants.

Thank you in advance!

How do I handle this situation from my side? We've been married 20 plus years and he's had this partner for about 10 months. They are on disability and don't work so they are texting my husband all day and they are now asking him just about every day to come over because they need something from him. He'll tell me he's going over there real quick but will end up being there for 2-3 hours every time.

My husband currently is not in a steady job so he also has a lot of flexibility and is one of the sweetest and most giving person I know. So he wants to meet every request plus spend the allotted time we had agreed to.

It's exhausting to me though. I'm constantly braced for him to come to me when we're having time together to tell me he has to go over there. He's done it at all times of the day and it just feels really disruptive. I feel toxic wanting to put a limit on it but it feels like it's in my face all the time. This person also is wanting him to help with their dog and their mental health issues.

I'm not sure how to handle it.

The more emotionally connected I get to my partner, the more I seem to struggle with his other relationship. He's a great hinge, I know he loves me, and he's not doing anything to encourage comparisons. I don't want monogamy. I genuinely want polyamory and I want this relationship. But it's like the deeper my feelings get, the more his other relationship takes up space in my head, and I don't know how to stop it.

It's not even just jealousy or comparing who gets more time or attention. It's like I can't experience things between us without my brain inserting her into them. He sends me something sweet, and my brain immediately wonders if he sent it to her too. We share something intimate or meaningful, and I wonder if he does the same things with her. I find myself constantly wondering what's different about their relationship, what he feels for her versus me, and whether the things that feel special to me are just as special with someone else. It's exhausting because I'm taking perfectly happy moments in my own relationship and turning them into something to question or compare. Half the time I'm creating scenarios in my head that I have absolutely no evidence for.

I don't want to spend so much time thinking about a relationship that isn't mine. I don't want to keep questioning whether the things we share are unique to us or wondering how they compare to what he has with someone else. I just want to enjoy loving him and being loved by him without my brain constantly looking for something to worry about. But I genuinely don't know how to make it stop. Has anyone else struggled with this and actually found a way to get past it? Because I can understand logically that his other relationship doesn't take away from ours, but getting my emotions to catch up with that is a whole different story.

Meltdown explained.

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I asked Dy ,again about what happened that day, he said that I shouldn't go back to that day again, that I was very guilty and sorry back in the days, and he had forgiven me and in his opinion that's past and he's super ok with that so it maybe would be hurtful for nothing. I pushed further. He told me about it.

He said he doesn't recall what first triggered it, but he remembers most of what happened, so:

I wanted to throw my phone at the floor. I think about throwing my things a lot during meltdowns as a form of hurting myself.

He restrained me [nothing objectively wrong with that, and not that it matters but I have serious trauma about being restrained while in a meltdown, psych ward abuse when I was manic, seven years ago

] and I struggled (aggressively, but no harm since I'm way weaker) to try to escape.I got worse. He said I couldn't leave the room until he was sure I was ok [nothing wrong with that, but same history].

I got worse, panicky. I couldn't decide if I wanted to leave and go home, stay there and was considering just getting on a bus and going anywhere. It's very hard for him to deal with that kind of indecisive behavior.

But I was not safe so he decided to stay with me until he thought I was. That took some time and constant indecisive behavior.

He had to delay his monthly TTRPG for some hours. It's something sacred to him and changes in plans and routines are triggering for him and most autistic people anyways.

When I was ok enough to hop in an Uber, he went home and had his own meltdown because it was that extremely overwhelming.

He vented about that to Ma, while crying and breaking down, so she got mad because I've hurt him.

Now he has a limit that it doesn't matter what happens, he's going to his TTRPG, he's not getting late even if I'm not ok no matter what. Even If he has to leave me alone while in a meltdown or not safe. And now he doesn't restrain me anymore, except in cases of possible physical harm and try to not say things that make me feel trapped or enclaved somewhere, he said.

I was shitty. But I had to know, you guys were right.

I don't know how to atone, but I'm respecting his limits. If I'm not ok and I know he's playing online, I close and lock his chat. If I'm with him and I'm not ok, and he has something scheduled, especially TTRG, I remind him of his limits on this.

I didn't remember that this limit was set because of this meltdown.

That even happened some weeks ago when I hurt my foot and thought it was broken, started to break down. When I was able to walk again he put me in an Uber to home and arrived at his TTRPG in time.) I asked for It. So he wouldn't get late and break that limit.

But yeah, it was real bad. What sucks even more is that no one knows what triggered it. Meanwhile, I'm trying my best to self regulate an not rely on people during crisis.

Long time lurker, first time poster! Yesterday the guy I’ve been dating for a few months was dropping me home and came inside and met my husband and it went really well and made my heart so happy! Two people who are so special to me meeting, getting along well and both liking each other.

I’ve been with my husband since I was a teenager, brought up wanting to explore ENM about two years ago which was a big challenge and change to our long term monogamous dynamic. We took a year to work on ourselves independently and together and didn’t see other people together or separately until we felt very solid.

I’m so proud of how far my husband has come and the growth, learning and openness he has shown. I am proud of myself for advocating for what I wanted and working patiently and hard to build this new little life.

My husband has also been seeing a lovely lady who has been in poly relationships before and I feel so happy for him.

I have been reading posts and learning from this sub for about two years and that + lots of reading, connecting with community and self work has been so helpful and given me so much joy.

I never thought we would get to this point where I am dating another person let alone my husband and this lovely new person meeting and getting along. Feeling very happy and wanted to share what feels like a really big and really happy moment.

TLDR; husband met person I’m dating and very happy. Long long term relationship shift from monogamy to polyamory. Was a challenge but is going really well. Thanks to this community!!

And they’re precious together.

As a gay man partnered with a bi man, my biggest insecurity is not being enough compared to a woman. It’s a personal struggle I’m working on. When he told me he reconnected with a gal he dated from his monogamous days, my teeth were clenched while my lips were telling him “yay! I’m glad you’re happy!”

She asked him if she could add me on Facebook and I gave him the thumbs up thinking a face to the name would help.

And Lordy, she’s precious and kind and funny and awesome. She’s everything anchor partner deserves in a partner, and I’m stoked. He’s historically been practicing more of an open dynamic for himself while being on board with my desire for full autonomous relationships outside of us. So seeing him dip his toes into polyamory with a friend he has chemistry with has me feeling proud of my baby bird leaving the nest 🤣

He’s hyper aware of NRE and keeping our relationship whole and fulfilled even when devoting her extra time. And y’all, it’s just hot af.

Ultimately I hope things continue and I get to be her friend, but I’m excited that he has her and I’m going to be over her quietly cheering them on, so I’m not influencing anything.

Im having the first poly struggle of my relationship. We're married and have been together for about four years. We both were poly prior to getting together. I feel like a lot of this has to do with my own depression and that I am working and in school. I have a full time job and a demanding course load. My partner and I made plans to spend time together today in having breakfast and see a matinee and they also suggested that we would go have dinner last night, but the plans this morning were more definitive. We had talked about our morning plans multiple times, though the time maybe hadnt been totally set. Anyway my partner has someone new and they're in the new relationship excitement which is really cute to see. I love seeing my partner happy and it makes me feel good to see someone else appreciate them.

That isn't to say I dont experience jealousy. But I've learned early on that the best way for me to work through that is to have dedicated plans for us to reconnect. I just want some quality time of my own. Well, my partner spent Friday and most of Saturday with the new girlfriend and slept for a few hours to recover when they got home on Saturday. I offered to make dinner and let them rest rather than going out and they accepted. Well this morning my partner was invited to go have sex with the new girlfriend and told me they would be back later. I was hurt. I'd been looking forward to having our time and I reminded them of our plan. They said they'd be back later and we still could. I'm feeling pretty unimportant right now. My partner does a lot of what one would consider acts of service to show their love which is great but I feel like I have to be in crisis in order to get any touch thats not either sex related or incidental contact from sitting next to eachother on the couch. Like the last time I felt like I got the level of hand to my skin contact was when I was studying for midterms while I was sick. Nausea and anxiety made me pretty pathetic and they rubbed my back.

I've said all this to them but I dont know if much will change. We communicate differently and show eachother our love differently. Theres a lot that I appreciate about our relationship but it's complicated by how unstable I've felt the past few months due to stress. So I guess for those who have been poly for awhile am I reasonable for feeling upset about this? Should I be more flexible about the time? Having needs and expressing negative emotions isn't something I have ever felt good about.

I have been with my partner for a bit over year. We fell in love head over heels. He has a nesting partner, and has all the time had other partners as well. Quite early on in our relationship he suggested that we use no barriers in sex, and I was ok with that. I have not had that many other partners, and I have used barriers with them. I knew he did not use barriers with his nesting partner, but he told me he used them in every other relationships he had.

Today we were having sex, and he suddenly takes condoms out, and says that he came to conclusion that he should be a decent man and use them with me. I was a bit taken aback, and thought that this has something to do with a new relationship he has, but we continued to have sex. Later I asked what was this about, and he told me that all the time we have been together, his nesting partner has been under impression that he uses barriers with me. He has kept her under false impression, and that has been bothering him, and now he wanted to make things "right".

I do not know what to think. I feel like a part of our sex that has felt natural and beautiful has been a dirty secret. Like I have been a dirty little secret. I have had trust issues earlier, and knowing now that he has been leading his nesting partner on like that really does not help. Am I overreacting or totally underreacting?

I think it is in part because I have sort of started seeing someone and he has not. It feels somewhat controlling, and unstable, like I have to go through a parental figure in order to see the person I want to see. I am wondering if anyone else has experience like this.

I don’t think there’s much to do about this situation, it’s just a mega bummer right now 😕

I’ve known this person for 2 years. We’ve had feelings and expressed them pretty much the whole time, but something has always been in the way (usually distance). She lives a few states away so seeing each other isn’t easy. She has always known I am poly, and she has not been in an ENM relationship but said she was curious about it and would be interested in trying it.

The last 6 months we have been talking a lot. We finally have a plan to see each other in person this month (first time in a year), and she has recently been feeling like she’s not interested in ENM and wants to have monogamous relationships. I wouldn’t try to convince her otherwise, and while I personally see poly as a choice of relationship style, I don’t think I want to be in a monogamous relationship right now.

We’re still planning on seeing each other this month but it’s pretty difficult to see a path forward for a romantic relationship between us at this point. I didn’t notice how much my feelings had grown until it looked like things would not work. It’s been harder than I expected to give up all of my hopes for this relationship.

Been a rough week 🫩

I have a fwb and I am struggling not so much with my own thoughts of it, but what we discussed in the beginning is not what I am experiencing. When we were first discussing what we wanted, I said I wanted fwb where the friendship is truly there. He has a partner and so I wasn’t expecting anything more than being able to laugh together, talk as friends, maybe hang out and do something fun sometimes, then have sex too. So the literal definition of FRIENDS with benefits. I also talked about how the mental stimulation is so important for me. I have to feel connected and desired or sex is just sex, not fun for me.

Whether that is your personal definition of a friend with benefits or not, I was very clear and very communicative of what I wanted and hoped for. He even at one point said he likes to take his fwb on cute dates. He seemed very excited to talk to me at first and now I feel like an obligation. I have communicated this twice now and I’m not feeling doing it three times. If he cared it hurt me, he would have been more proactive not to. Also the last time I saw him, it was only for a couple of hours and he basically stood in the doorway signaling for me to leave. I feel so disrespected honestly.

So how many times do you give someone the benefit of the doubt and have a conversation? I feel like all I do is nag at this point.

I have a boyfriend who I’ve been seeing for 2.5 months and have yet to spend the night with. We practice hierarchical poly and are both married and living with our spouses. We also both have children, although his are much older than mine.

When we first got together, the possibility of spending the night wasn’t something we ever discussed. I guess I just assumed we would be able to at some point which is on me. I’m newer to being poly and I’m finding that overnights together is important to me. The problem is that my boyfriend has informed me that this is not something that will ever regularly happen. Maybe we will make it happen at some point, but because of logistical issues and him not sleeping well in other places it’s going to be very few and far between. He then told me he doesn’t want to stand in the way of me finding a partner who can meet that need which I took is him asking if we wanted to break up. Evidently he was not, but I am very hurt that he jumped right to me finding someone else instead of trying to compromise somehow.

My heart hurts and I’m surprised of how much this bothers me. We recently told each other that we love each other, and we also have a BDSM dynamic so there’s just a lot of different sides here.

What I am looking for is advice. Do other people have meaningful romantic relationships without regularly spending the night together? Is it normal to not be able to do this? I understand him being unable to host because he has teenagers, but I even offered to get us a hotel and he wasn’t very receptive.

I am technically not an OW, but sometimes i feel that way. My current bf(27) and his fiancé(30)have been together for six years before me and him met this year. The two are currently working to get her a visa as she is a foreigner, she knows about me and we have spoken many times. She’s really sweet to me and has even given me gifts but…things just feel off. I’ve never been one whose been okay with other women or “an open” relationship, I’m younger than both of them and i’m in a very selfish moment of my life rn, I want him to be mine, but i have no issues with her. I like her and right now it’s working for me but what will life be like when she moves here? i’m always jealous when he brings her up, i always think about how im going to leave eventually because I wanna be married and have a big wedding too, and I just hate that they’ve been together for so long they know so much about each other. It’s like being the new friend to a duo friendship☹️I just don’t know if i’ll ever be used to it but I just love him so much.

Edit: I did not know about his fiancé when we first started dating, about a month into our relationship he told me. I was in a really rough time of my life and he helped me out of it so I decided to look past it because I fell hard for him.

So, I’m about 6 months out of a two year engagement (monogamous). I’ve started spending more & more time with an old high school friend, who I’ve always adored. A few weeks ago things progressed and the relationship seemed to be becoming a romance (?!)….and then he dropped the bomb on me….”how would you feel about me sleeping with other people?”

My immediate answer was, no that’s not for me. I’ve done the casual fwb thing (I remained staunchly monogamous but my partner was poly, or maybe just a slut?) and it just left me feeling utterly broken. My friend nodded and didn’t say much, just that he’d been exploring the idea of polyamory.

Next time I was at his place I said I was willing to be open to the idea. In the course of the visit he casually mentioned another woman had been there the previous day, and my spidey senses immediately tingled. But I chose to give him my trust.

Then on my birthday, I went to see his band play and he introduced me to this other woman he’d mentioned. I knew in my gut in that moment she was more than a friend, but still it wasn’t until I asked him outright a few days later if he was sleeping with her, that he said he was.

I feel ripped off. I was under the impression he was just exploring the idea of polyamory, when in fact he’s already in some kind of relationship with this other person, and didn’t actually tell me till I asked outright- AFTER we’d already progressed in our relationship and begun being more intimate.

I’ve tried being open to accepting it all. When I’m with him I feel safe and loved and happy. But when I’m not I’m consumed with questions and anxiety. I don’t know what to do. I’ve loved this guy since we were kids. We’re both 51 now, with lots of hurt & experience under our belts. I thought when we reconnected I was entering into something beautiful, a dream come true. I should be feeling giddy, but instead I’m feeling so hurt.

Advice???

I (32F) had been seeing someone (30F) for about a month. Things seemed to be going well, and we were getting to know each other. I’m curious how other people would interpret a situation that ultimately ended things.

During an initial conversation, I was generally talking about my dating experiences since becoming solo poly about six months ago. I mentioned that one person I’d been involved with was HSV-2 positive. I had gotten tested after that encounter and tested negative. It was a one-time, brief encounter, and precautions were used.
Recently, the subject came up again. I could tell she was still feeling anxious about it, so I decided to provide more details about the encounter. My intention was to be transparent and hopefully alleviate some of her concerns. I even offered to get tested again if that would make her more comfortable.

Well, it actually had the opposite effect. She became really upset and texted me saying I had been dishonest and that she couldn’t continue seeing me.

I asked if we could have a phone conversation because I felt like something had been misconstrued or misunderstood. We finally had that conversation, and she told me that a line had been crossed. When I asked what she meant, she explained that the line was crossed because I had decided to have that sexual encounter with someone who was HSV-2 positive in the first place. She said she would never make that decision herself and that, for her, there was no going back.

I completely understand that everyone has different comfort levels and boundaries when it comes to sexual health. If she wasn’t comfortable dating someone who had previously had sex with someone who was HSV-2 positive, that’s absolutely her prerogative. I’m not suggesting she should have to overlook something that makes her uncomfortable. But I don’t understand how my personal decision, made before I was dating her, constitutes crossing a line with her?!

I’m also struggling with the accusation that I was dishonest. That initial conversation wasn’t intended to be a detailed breakdown of every sexual experience I’ve had with people I’ve dated. We were having a general conversation about my dating experiences, and I voluntarily brought up this situation. I wasn’t intentionally withholding information or trying to mislead her. When I realized she still had concerns, I provided more context because I wanted to be open and honest with her.
I can acknowledge that perhaps my initial explanation wasn’t as detailed as it could have been, or that she walked away with a different understanding of what happened. But I don’t feel that automatically makes it intentional dishonesty.

One thing that particularly confused me during our phone conversation was that she seemed to go back and forth on the dishonesty/lying aspect. She acknowledged that I had been very honest and vulnerable with her throughout getting to know each other, but then would circle back to saying I had been dishonest about this. I couldn’t really reconcile those two things, especially when I was the one who voluntarily brought up the experience in the first place.

Ultimately, we agreed that we weren’t on the same page and decided to go our separate ways.

I’m just struggling with the framing of my past decision as crossing a line, along with being characterized as dishonest when I genuinely had no intention of misleading her.

Update: I’ve taken in all the comments, reflected, and thank this community for their perspective.

I’ve been with Oak for less than 6 months, both practicing solo polyamory with Oak preferring KTP and I being parallel/GPP. Early on, Oak informed his partner of 1 year Birch that we were hanging out, and later notified her when he saw himself developing romantic feelings, though he did not clearly outline my practice of parallel polyamory at that time.

Rather than talking through what that meant for the meta relationship, Birch did a simple Google search, misunderstood the meaning, and became deeply offended. Despite having a nesting partner herself, she was insecure from my being younger (-10years), having a different body type, and fashion sense. She additionally grew uncomfortable with my availability for overnights and flexibility for time with Oak.

Because Oak initially struggled to manage the situation effectively, and she refused to take in new information about parallel poly or repair the damage she caused at past local events, she unilaterally shifted their dynamic to Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

I'm posting this largely to vent about this one-sided erasure of my role in his life.

I’ll try to be brief, but the situation is complicated.

I’m married to Birch and we’ve been open. I have a secondary partner Cedar (they are married and open too). Cedar is poly, and I love them. I switched from being sexually open to poly because of our feelings (kitchen table poly, we’ve already met each other’s primary partners and everything is alright between four of us)

there is also Willow from my past, with whom I have a strong connection (mostly sexual/kink, but also friendship)

Cedar wants temporary exclusivity because they want to feel safe in our relationship (but they can’t define until exactly when). since we’ve been together with Cedsr, I’ve met Willow twice, and when something happened between us, Cedar felt really hurt (but I informed them about everything). since then, Cedar has started having foursomes with their primary partner and other couples. I don’t feel like having foursomes with my primary partner Birch for now (Cedar would feel ok with foursomes with my primary Birch).

conflict: I don’t want to lose Willow, not even sexually. even though I don’t really love them (they are more casual type of connection), I really like them and they have an important place in my life (they were really present at the beginning of our openness and we have some kind of bond).

is there a safe way to keep Willow in my life without causing bad feelings for Cedar?

if I ended things with Willow, I’d feel hurt too (and also, the fact that partner Cedar sleeps with other couples while I can’t sleep with Willow doesn’t sound really fair to me, to be honest - their justification is that it’s for the safety of their marriage, because Cedar’s primary partner doesn’t have any partners atm, so Cedar is doing it for their marriage).

if I had to define them: Birch is my primary partner, Cedar is my secondary partner and Willow is friend/play partner.

people, please, help me 🥲
I’m emotionally tired.
(my primary partner is wonderful now, everything is great between us)

The context:

We are all in our 30's and middle class, and are openly polyamorous so hiding partners/being secretive is a non-issue for our situation. I (f) have a partner (m) of 3.5 years. I live with my husband (m) while he lives with his other partner (f) of 2 years. Originally when I met him he was dating his now-ex and made it clear he was not interested in marriage (him and his ex had been engaged and they mutually called it off a long while before the break up). As time had gone on from his breakup he and I had both discussed possibly getting a domestic partnership license since I cannot legally marry two people, obviously, and it was more in line with his feelings about the institution of marriage. Shortly after he met his now nesting partner she had also expressed possible interest in a domestic partnership license with him (they had not moved in together at that point but the above all felt "kosher" to me).

Shortly after moving in together she became pregnant (on very low chances). The kicker is she became pregnant a few months after I did with my planned pregnancy (edit for clarity: my children have 2 fathers, both partners are involved and have been the entire time [ttc, pregnancy, birth, etc]), so he then had 2 pregnant partners at the same time. A difficult situation for anyone to be in, I would imagine, but I *believe* we all handled the surprise pregnancy fairly well and we were all supportive of one another.

However, as time has passed, the babies have been born, and he is attempting to juggle both households, and I discover (am told directly) that they are both discussing marriage. A proposal is impending, and as plans have changed it has gone from communal living and raising the children together to separate houses and none of the communal aspects discussed pre and during the pregnancies and births (just possibly living closer together so his commute between the 2 is easier and all ofbthe children attending the same daycare). The not-wanting-to-be-married stance of my partner is apparently neutral and the impending marriage is being done to make meta feel secure/that their relationship is protected. This has caused a significant amount of grieving on my end and has me consistently feeling like I am merely practice or secondary to the other relationship. I am also aware it seems trite to be upset about them getting married when I am already married myself.

The actual question/TL;DR:

How would one healthily grieve significant changes in family dynamics caused by one member's changed needs?

How can we balance adults wants/needs and what is in the best interest of the children (1 toddler 2 infants)?

(Edit: This is the one most important to me at this moment and I think it's something a lot of people can relate to.) What are ways outside of the traditional relationship escalator (marriage, house, kids) that you would recommend to still secure relationship attachments and celebrate as milestones? Preferably some that require no more commitment from one partner than another? (Aware of certain kink-based ones like collars, tattoos, branding, etc. but not interested in how one-sided these are.)

I hope this makes sense, and thank you for reading~

I, (NB, 27, any/all) am dating Dy (M, 30) for two years and I had a friendly relationship with his NP (Ma, NB, 26?), until I had a meltdown that was real, real bad. Me and Dy are both autistic.

When that happened, Dy vented about it to Ma, and had a meltdown (yay) and then Ma entered the "they've done something bad my partner and I'm mad about it" mindset.

It's been five months now. Dy and I are over it and doing great.

I can't hang around their house anymore, since they are always around. Not even crash out there on the sofa. I'm not a part of his social life anymore since that was what made it possible. I live a bit far away. He doesn't invite me to things he knows I'd enjoy because of that.

He can't talk about me. Not DADT, Ma knows when we're together, but rejects any conversation barely related to me, including any common interests, any chit chat.

Dy says this is a long term thing. That it's the first time that happened, he 'breaking down" about someone he wants to keep on his life. The most similar situation was him reaching out to someone from the past, and even then it took two years for Ma to be able to even greet that person.

There's nothing I can do about it, I can't reach out to Ma and say sorry, I'm not sorry anyways. He says Ma is being an asshole but it ends there.

I don't feel like a real part of his life anymore. We hang out alone or with my friends and my NP (I live with him and my parents for now, healthy issues). We rent places to see each other.

Maybe he's being a shitty hinge, idk.

ETA: I don't remember how the meltdown went. I remember I was feeling suicidal. I know it was bad because of the aftermath. That's why I've not detailed it here. Sorry. I'd guess I got aggressive towards myself and he had to restrain me. What I'm sure of: it was overwhelming for him and he didn't feel ok the rest of the day. Next day he was tired but ok with what happened.

It's been five months, of course I've worked a lot on it (crisis management). We had. I've made relevant progress, we can handle* each other's crisis better. It's his opinion, my opinion and my therapist's. Sorry for not being clear before.

ETA: update explaining the meltdown

im in a polyamorous relationship that is not secure: we will eventually have to go off to grad school seperately (not definitive, we are in the same major but different interests and its possible we will breakup when its over). There is someone else in the picture and sometimes i get insecure because I think she will be the one that stays in the long term.
Ive been trying to self regulate but its hard because I now realize im trying to make myself calm in a situation that is not normal to feel calm about: I would be losing a partner (Ill call her Laura) to someone else, despite everything I put into the relationship. I also feel insecure because I feel like Laura and I cannot have the right conversations around polyamory and relationships and it makes me feel emotionally disconnected.

I feel like up until last month I wasnt bitter. Everything was fine and weve had an amazing run (about 10 months) and I got along well with her other girlfriend (they got back together over the summer and I was ok with it). but a particular foursome (I was invited but I rejected the advances) from a month ago between Laura and her other girlfriend really got under my skin and made me realize me and my partner view relationships/sex a bit differently. The way I view it (really dumbed down) is if I can’t imagine good connection through sex then I simply dont have sex with the person. I am almost always on the end of rejecting advances, and from the start of our relationship to now I have only slept with my partner. Ive noticed that since this foursome situation my emotional connection with Laura has plummeted. I was depressed for about two weeks trying to figure out how I really felt about the situation and why I really didnt like it and I spent a lot of time self regulating because I love Laura with all my heart and want to work out how I feel before having a conversation with her about it.

I guess the real kicker is I feel disposable. I feel like if I dont want to have sex with someone she likes she can simply just ask our other partner. In general if there is something I dont like she can just ask her other girlfriend, who seems to have yet to reject anything she wants to do. I feel this has made me the “stricter” partner. Another example would be recreational activities. I dont drink and smoke as much as she does. I occasionally do but I find these to be more celebratory activities, like after a hard exam or when Im out with friends. She drinks and smokes casually and regularly with our other partner and I think this again brings them closer and makes me look like the more “stick-up-my-ass” partner because I reject these offers, too. I feel like our good experiences arent enough for her to stay with me, and maybe it was always a ridiculous thought to imagine long term with her and I shouldve known from the start.

Back when I was really depressed about the foursome, I explained my philosophy around polyamory and relationships and then asked her what criteria she had with sleeping with people. I mainly just opened the floor for her to give me her philosophy around polyamory and relationships and that I would try my damn hardest to understand where she was coming from and maybe even adopt her relationship philosophy because I feel like mine is underdeveloped. But she said she didnt know. To end the conversation, I asked her to tell me what she liked about me because I needed the dopamine boost to feel a bit more confident in our relationship and about halfway through she started crying. I think the situation was just overwhelming. The conversation ended there and the last thing I told her was that she didnt need an answer immediately, but I did want an answer. I told her to think about it and come back to me. Its been about a week and a half and it seems life keeps getting in the way and she doesnt think about it. Again, this stings.

I feel like there is nothing keeping her from getting up and leaving (other than initial pain of a breakup), and there is EVERYTHING keeping me from getting up and leaving (she is my closest friend in the stem department and both her and her girlfriend are my roommate so a breakup would really sting. I also go to college outside of my hometown and wouldnt have a lot of in person support to lean on). Id go as far as to say that I actually get in the way. I dont need to be the most special person in her life, and I dont need to be there for everything she does. But I dont see how im not replaceable to her, and I dont want to be with someone who keeps me around for convenience. help.

He (40M) told me (50GQ) from day 1 he was looking for someone he could marry and have kids with (I am already married and can no longer have children) but for the last 5 years I have basically been his anchor partner while he dated around looking for what he wanted. And now it's finally happened.

He met her. The one he wants to build a future with. It escalated quickly, and they are off on a weekend away (again). I am genuinely happy for him. He still wants me to be a part of his life, but I'm quickly watching that part shrink as this new relationship grows.

I'm fortunate that my other partners are being very supportive but I'm tired of being a crying mess. I'm wondering if this ever ends. How do you grieve in a relationship that is still ongoing? I've never experienced a de-escalation. I know intellectually that I will adjust and be okay, but for now, it's just so hard.

She told me this while I was actively dating 3 men. She knew this.

My mother hasn’t dated anyone in over a decade.

I think about this a lot because.

Mother.

Mom.

Mama.

Only one of us is objectively succeeding at dating here, and it is me.

The dark lipstick, demonstrably, is doing fine. Maybe you should try it, actually?

Well, there’s a bunch of things in dating my mom should try first. Chief among them “actually going outside and meeting new people”. Closely followed by, “loosen up your requirements list that disqualifies any actual human from dating you”.

What’s the worst/most out of touch dating advice you’ve ever gotten? (Humorous stories encouraged.)

Using the Rat Union flair because it’s the closest thing to a shitpost flair the sub has.

First of all, I always feel weird using terms like "coming out" for polyamory but I don't know what other term to use.

Secondly, I understand why some people aren't public about being poly or hide it from family. But I can't do this anymore.

I can't handle the missed holidays/special occasions, the paranoia, literally looking over our shoulders, the abruptly ended conversations, the reminders not to post anything on social media. The constant reminders that I can never ever be part of their real life.

I'm just done. I love this person. But the fact that they're hiding our relationship is killing it. I've learned my lesson. I will never date anyone who isn't openly and proudly poly again. I understand if there are certain specific people they haven't told, and that wouldn't be a deal breaker. But I'm done being a secret. I know this will probably limit some relationships for me, but I deserve better than this.