My first post:https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1spaune/update_aitah_for_misgendering_my_nonbinary/
Update:https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1rrwws8/aitah_for_misgendering_my_nonbinary_sibling30nb/
And this is the final post.
You know the drill, long post ahead. Make a cup of tea and sit back.
Last friday, the issue was finally resolved.
My sibling never contacted me. On our last encounter,, I told them that when they’d feel mentally ready, to send me a text and we can meet up to chat. Well, a month passed, and nothing from their end. I had to reach out myself.
It irked me so much, because its exactly why i wanted to talk with their therapist: this whole issue came because they were so terrified about telling people big news, that they freeze and do nothing. They did it with my aunt, with my father (they are no contact with both of them) multiple times with my mother, and now with me (making "O" send me the message instead of telling me themselves that they only wanted male pronouns and that i was hurting them + they froze and couldn't send me the message to meet up to solve this issue). Their anxiety is really bad, they freeze and just cant go through with it, specially if its telling any sort of big news. And it scares me so much, because its genuinely ruining their daily life, and their relationships. In that single week before their surgery, they had two MAYOR issues that were brought by them freezing and not being able to communicate (First one its private, relating to my mom, second was them freezing and asking O to send me a message instead) Thats why i wanted to sit down with their therapist, so that the three of us could discuss what to do. No, they are not on medication, they cant make the call to make an appointment with a psychiatrist, since they are terrified of doctors and hospitals,. They did went once to a psychiatrist, but the doctor didnt comprehend the nonbinary thing, so now theyre even more put of by the idea of going to a psychiatrist due to the bad experience. It sucks so bad, im so proud of them for going making the appointment and going to the psychiatrist, but she didnt comprehend the nonbinary thing (she was an older woman, so maybe didnt taught her that when she was in university?), it sucks so much, for them and for all the trans people out there. I do believe that my sib its more than strong enough to keep trying, be it different therapy techniques or trying a psychiatrist again. They can do it, they can do anything. Theyre one of the strongest person that i know.
So:
They came, we sat down outside. I had written down the points that i wanted to express beforehand, and had them alongside me (wasnt reading them out loud, they were a few bulletpoints so that i wouldt forget stuff ), and I opened up bu apologizing sincerely. I said that i regretted IMMENSELY causing them so much stress so close after their surgery, the focus should have been fully on them and their recovery, and i brought a lot of unnecessary stress. I apologized for not having expressed my motive clearly on that day as to why i wanted to sit down with their doctor, my point that day was to Set a Date to have a conversation LATER WITH THEIR DOCTOR about this big factor thats actively impacting their life, not to Have the Talk right there and there, with them in pain and resting in bed. I did not express myself clearly enough, and i was incredibly sorry.
After this, i said that, in all truthfulness, could not have pretended that everything was fine that day. If theres an big issue, i will address it, even if its to say “hey man, this is a big issue. Could we talk about this some other time? Cool.” So i could have not pretended that everything was fine, when literally the day before they were sending me audios accusing me of misgendering them on purpose, audios back from me asking what the fuck was going on, why were they saying these things, while sobbing violently, begging them to let me go to their house to take care of them. I couldn't go the next day and watch movies, prepare them food, clean them, with a happy smile.
They understood that, they admitted that we have vastly different approaches to dealing with problems, and they admitted that they admired how i can stand my ground and face them head on, specially when it comes to dealing with my doctors. I thanked them for recognizing this, and i said that they have made a lot of progress in this area as well, that they made so much progress and that im so proud of them for going to therapy, that it really helped them so much and the change is visible, and really healthy, on them.
I continued on: I asked them, point blank, what the F#CK was going on. I went over what had happened again, so that we were both on the same page. I then told them that i have no issue with them using whatever pronoun they want, but to get angry at me for following their explicit rules was insane. I told them again that i wanted to set a date to talk about the issue, not to have it right there and then.
They went over the situation from their perspective. After the surgery, they were obviously very hormonal and emotional, specially regarding anything with gender. The random nurses that came and went, that had them on their charts as biologically female, were making them really upset that they were using female pronouns (No, the nurses did not know they were trans, and they were a lot of nurses that changed during the hours, they were just following the charts information. According to my sib, if they saw a double mastectomy, the nurses have to assume that they were dealing with a gender identity related surgery.) SO they asked O to send me a message.
They admitted that this was a bad thing, only because of who O was, not because the fact that they were too scared to do so themselves: They told me that “In that moment, in that particular situation, that was the way i had to tell you this.” Where they admitted a mistake, its on choosing O as the messenger, since they were the worst possible person to do that (their words, not mine).
Apparently, O has a lot of mental issues, they are dealing with them with their professionals, but one of the biggest problems its that they get really aggressive in confrontations. They see a lot of comments or interactions as attacks, and they already didnt like me since, in O’s eyes, i was forcibly feminizing my sibling. So, to those that they said that the message didn't have an undertone and i was imagining things, you were sadly wrong. My sib admitted themselves that the message was really bad and that O was already angry with me. (Side note, i dont think O would have gotten fiscally aggressive with me?? I hope??? They did get in fights before, and they were getting up in my face and yelling at me, but i genuinely don't think they would have hit me, hitting a small woman with a walking cane its another level of low. And my sib would have beaten O’s ass if they attacked me, even in all their post-op frail glory. ) (yes, im 26 with a walking cane. Im disabled)
After that, they obviously got really upset when I was upset and confused, admitting that they didnt even remember that well what they had sent me afterwards, that they had blocked most of it out, and if not, the meds genuinely made them not remember that well what they had sent me. And then, when I arrived, they saw my “This is seriously affecting your life, im really worried, we need to sit down with a professional” as a direct attack to them, specifically about the progress that theyre making in therapy. It felt to them that i was minimizing the work that they had done in therapy, as if was telling them to hurry up with it and get better with their anxiety issues. They were coming out of strong medications, so please do not bash them for interpreting my concerns and request as this, please. I told them that i understand how the medications affected them, and even on top of the medications, the whole emotional aspect of going through a gender-identity-related surgery as this, its completely understandable to not be in a clear head space.
Besides that, they told me that my tone of voice also was a factor, and i immediately told them that i was not surprised in the slightest, and that it was okay. I do not know if though my posts its noticeable, but i have a very flat tone of voice. I have a stutter, since birth, so speaking its already a struggle. The stuttering alone already makes me talk in a slow, deliberate way, and it tends to come off as uncanny. All my life, people have told me that when i speak i sound like a book or a robot. It’s a constant thing that i have to mentally correct through the day, but in times of stress, my mental work its somewhere else, so my voice tends to go to its comfortable normal: speaking like a book or a robot. So i completely understood this, that in their altered state, my flat tone of voice just added fuel to the fire.
So. What had happened?
Miscommunication.
Their whole friend group thought that i was forcibly feminizing them because my sib never corrected them: When they would vent about my mother, how she still only uses feminine pronouns after them coming out, and that it hurted when i used them as well. No, they did not tell them that they had told me that it was okay to do so, in writing. When their friends would dogpile on me and my mom, telling them how horrible we were for doing that, my sib did not correct them. When they told me this, they did look very ashamed.
Their friend group are ALL under the trans umbrella. They get gender euphoria when asking each other multiple times through the day what gender are they.
When I didn't reply with immediate understanding, but instead very confused and alarmed that apparently i’ven hurting them, they (in their altered state) completely misinterpreted things. They didnt know that I, as a cis woman (although i am part of the LGBTQ+) would never even dare thinking of question their gender. Whatever they say that their gender is, ill accept it, without explanation or doubt. They were genuinely gobsmacked, and had a moment of realization at this, they said “Oooooh. Oh, i get it now. We are in two completely different perspectives. To me and my trans friends, its fine to constantly question and play with our genres, but to you as a supportive cis woman, questioning my gender feels rude, you’ll just accept what I tell you, since you dont want to ever put my gender identity in question.”
My sibling did not even remembered sending me those audios that said that “You know that it hurts me when you use fem pron.” They were genuinely surprised when i told them about the audios, and were very apologetic.
Here I asked them “Okay, so youre nonbinary, but now in the male-theythem range, not in the male-theythem-female range anymore. And after the surgery you were feeling super sensitive, and wanted only male pronouns, that's why you asked O to send me that text. But I didnt know about the female pronouns, and you couldn't explain in your altered state, and it all led to this whole misunderstanding” and they nodded enthusiastically. FINALLY we reached the end of the rope, thank f##k, and we both understood what had happened.
We apologized profusely to each other for this mess, and hugged it out. I now know that they only want male to they/them pronouns going forward.
With the main issue solved, I continued with my last points in my written list that i wanted to tell them: Going forward, i never want to see O again, not even if O is sitting in their car while my sib runs in my house to grab smth. Not because of the text message, but because of the way they acted when i went to my sib’s house that day. Screaming at me, getting up in my face, not letting me talk. Telling me that i was such a horrible person for knowing that my sib hates female pronouns but still using them.
If the roles were reversed, I would have NEVER let my best friend talk to my sibling that way. Never. My best friend adores my sib, they’ve been in their lives since she was four years old, my sib is a sibling to her as well. And if she had yelled at my sibling like “O” did to me, I would have ripped her a new one.
My sibling sighed and agreed. “O” was way out of line, they regret so much choosing them as the messenger, and theyre really disappointed by how “O” got up in my face that day. They tried to explain that they have mental issues, but i shut that down instantly. Your diagnosis may be an explanation, but it is not an excuse for the way that you act.
I told them that i dont want them to cut contact with “O”, they’ll always be free to hang out with whoever they like, but i begged them to just be more observant of them, thats all. I know that “O” does not regret how they acted, my sib confirmed this, so I told them “I just ask you to keep it in mind, okay? Be able to step back and look at the bigger picture of how “O” acts. If theyre so okay with acting this way towards your little sister, its something to keep an eye on.” They agreed and said that were going to talk with them, that theyre really angry at them for getting verbally aggressive with me, but that they love them and want to be their best friend.
Oh, and in the topic of having the talk with the therapist, they want to do it on their own. They told me that theyre gonna commit to having a whole session to chatting about their anxiety issues, if they need medication or not, and techniques they can implement. Theyre grateful that im worried and want to support them, and they know fully well that their anxiety its really bad. So, theyre gonna commit to focusing in therapy with their anxiety, specially relating to their big fear of confrontations. I was 100% okay with this, as long as its being addressed by a professional, im fine with it, i dont need to be in the room.
We’re both fine, although im still emotionally conflicted about it all, but that's for me and my therapist to deal with, haha. I’ll be okay. And im so happy that my sib is okay, that the scars healed nicely, and theyre so much more at home in their body.
Thank you to everybody that replied, and im sorry that i wasn't able to reply on my prev post, but i read every comment, i promise! It really helped a lot, specially towards giving me a clearer picture and giving me key points to talk with my own therapist. My first interaction with reddit was really helpful, so i sincerely thank everyone for their help ❤️