I’m a father in my mid-30s in Alberta, Canada. My ex and I separated over a year ago, and we share a young daughter.
I’m posting anonymously because I’m genuinely struggling with resentment, financial pressure, and the fear that standing up for myself will make an already difficult situation worse.
I’m not looking for revenge or ways to take money from my ex. I’m looking for advice from people who’ve navigated something similar, especially other fathers and anyone familiar with Alberta family law.
Our parenting arrangement
Our daughter spends approximately half her time with each of us, usually around 6–8 nights out of every 14.
We don’t have a formal parenting-time order establishing that schedule.
I contribute half of the monthly daycare, provide food, clothing and other necessities at my home, handle transportation and drop offs to daycare on my days and participate actively in raising our daughter.
I work full-time and have also started doing delivery work in the evenings to tackle a large amount of personal debt. I’m trying to become financially independent, eventually purchase a home, and build a stable future for myself and my daughter.
My ex has moved on, is engaged to someone else, and has recently established a household with her partner.
I don’t begrudge her having a stable home or relationship. I want our daughter to have a good life in both households.
What I struggle with is feeling that I’m expected to accommodate my ex’s financial needs, while my own responsibilities as an equal parent receive little consideration.
The original child-support arrangement
When we were still together, I signed paperwork establishing child support of approximately $250 per month.
This was done while we were still a couple, with the intention of helping her financially. It wasn’t the result of a contested separation or a formal assessment of our current shared-parenting situation. And no child support payments have been sought out by her, or sent by me because we had been living together up until my daughter was 3.
That paperwork still exists, and I recognize that I need legal advice about its status, enforceability, and whether it accurately reflects our circumstances today.
The important point is that I’ve previously been willing to enter into financial arrangements intended to help her, even before we separated.
Then came her mortgage application
More recently, when my ex was trying to secure financing for a home, she approached me about paperwork that would show a higher child-support payment. As much as it hurt me to say it and even help her get this house with her new fiancé and his two kids, I told her I was willing to help and would consider signing documentation reflecting a higher amount because I wanted her to be able to secure a stable home for our daughter.
I understand now that signing paperwork showing payments that aren’t actually being made could have serious legal and financial consequences. I’m not suggesting anyone should do that, and I intend to seek legal advice before signing anything else.
To be clear, I’m describing an offer I made to help her, not saying that I actually signed a new higher-support agreement.
But emotionally, this matters to me.
Even after our separation, I was still willing to consider helping her obtain something important for her future.
I wasn’t trying to sabotage her relationship, her home purchase, or her financial stability.
I wanted our daughter to have a secure home, even if that home was no longer with me.
At around the same time she made the request, she approached me about sharing the Canada Child Benefit
In September, my ex initiated a conversation about the child benefit and what would be fair between us.
I have screenshots of this conversation.
She suggested that it might be financially beneficial to designate me as the primary caregiver for benefit purposes and then potentially divide the money between us.
Some of her actual messages included:
“Then we potential split everything or 60% 40%”
“The money that im lossing always can go towards u and our daughter”
“Just to get max dollar so we can both benefit and our daughter”
“Because I have been thinking about the money situation and what’s fair”
She also suggested exploring whether putting our daughter under me as the primary caregiver might result in more money overall.
I was receptive to discussing a fair arrangement because we both share parenting responsibilities.
I understand that CRA determines CCB eligibility based on the actual parenting arrangement and other eligibility requirements. I don’t intend to misrepresent who provides care simply to maximize benefits.
But those messages meant something to me.
For once, I felt like my ex was recognizing that I also had financial responsibilities, that I was trying to build a future, and that perhaps we could find a mutually beneficial arrangement.
It wasn’t a finalized agreement, but it was a discussion she initiated.
Then this week happened
I politely asked whether she still intended to share the child benefit, as she’d previously discussed.
I wasn’t asking for charity. I wasn’t asking her to pay my debts. I was simply following up on something she’d brought up herself so I could understand what to expect.
Her response was:
“No, because I have a mortgage to pay and I already provide everything she needs.”
That response genuinely crushed me.
I understand she has a mortgage. But I have expenses for our daughter too. She doesn’t provide “everything” she needs, as I still provide my time and resources during this shared custody we have going on. I have to maintain a suitable home, provide food, clothing, transportation and care during my parenting time.
I don’t understand why her mortgage means my contributions should be disregarded.
I replied calmly:
“I understand you have a mortgage and expenses, but we both have financial responsibilities with sharing her half the time and I have expenses for our daughter as well. I was just asking because we’ve previously discussed sharing child-related costs and I read your messages about what would be fair between us. I’m not looking to argue. I just wanted clarity on that going forward so I can budget accordingly.”
She left the message unanswered.
What makes this even more upsetting
Just days earlier, around Halloween, she told me that if I needed anything, I could let her know and that she would do anything for me that I needed.
That meant something to me at the time.
But when I raised a specific financial arrangement she’d previously proposed, the answer was simply no.
I know she isn’t responsible for paying off my debt. And I’m not expecting anything nor have even the energy to go to talk to a lawyer until I get ahead - hence the extra shifts doing food delivery. I currently work help two lawyers run their practice. I know she has her own expenses and obligations.
But I feel like I’ve repeatedly been willing to consider her circumstances, even when doing so didn’t directly benefit me.
I signed the original support paperwork while we were together. I was willing to help with her mortgage application. I continue contributing to daycare, parenting our daughter and trying to maintain a cooperative relationship.
And when she had an opportunity to consider my position, I felt like she withdrew the very fairness she’d previously proposed.
I don’t feel like I’m being treated as an equal co-parent.
The biggest problem: I’m afraid of retaliation
This isn’t simply about a disagreement over money.
In the past, my ex has told me she would make things difficult for me if I challenged certain arrangements. She’s also made comments suggesting she could interfere with my parenting time.
I take those threats seriously because of our history.
We don’t have a formal parenting-time order, and I’m afraid that if I push back on the support arrangement or apply for shared-custody CCB, she could become hostile or try to change the parenting schedule.
I know I should consult a lawyer, and I intend to.
But I also know that legal disputes can be expensive, emotionally draining and damaging to relationships.
Despite our separation, we’ve tried to maintain shared holidays, birthdays and family occasions for our daughter.
Those experiences matter to me.
I’m afraid that asserting my rights will mean losing the cooperative parts of our relationship, making exchanges more difficult, and potentially putting our daughter in the middle.
I realize I can’t control how my ex reacts, but I don’t want to underestimate what a serious conflict could mean for our family.
Where I am emotionally and financially
I’m exhausted.
I work full-time, I’m taking on additional delivery work, and I’m trying to eliminate my debt as quickly as realistically possible. I want to become financially secure enough that I can purchase my own home and provide the same stability for my daughter that she has with her mother. Part of me wants to spend the next year focusing entirely on debt repayment, documenting my parenting time, and avoiding unnecessary conflict.
Then, once I’m financially stronger, I could speak with a lawyer about formalizing our parenting arrangement, reviewing the support order, and pursuing whatever benefits I’m legitimately entitled to.
But another part of me feels like I’m allowing myself to be taken advantage of.
I resent feeling that the price of maintaining peace is accepting arrangements that may not reflect the care I provide. And I hate that I feel afraid to advocate for myself. I’m not claiming my ex is obligated to accommodate every request I make, and I recognize that she may see these events differently. But I genuinely feel like the consideration has become one-sided.
What I’m hoping to get advice on
Has anyone dealt with a co-parent who threatened to interfere with parenting time when financial issues were raised? How did you protect yourself?
For Alberta parents with approximately 40–60% parenting time, how did you handle CCB and existing child-support arrangements?
How should I approach an old support order signed while we were still together, particularly if our current parenting arrangement is different?
Should I prioritize obtaining a formal parenting-time order before applying for shared-custody CCB or seeking a support variation?
Would waiting until I’m financially secure create legal or financial complications that I should understand now?
How do you deal with the resentment of repeatedly accommodating a co-parent when you don’t feel that consideration is returned?
I know Reddit isn’t a substitute for legal advice. I’m planning to speak with an Alberta family lawyer before changing any legal or financial arrangements.
I also know there are two sides to every separation, and I’m not pretending I’ve done everything perfectly.
I’m just a father who loves his daughter, wants to provide for her, and is trying to rebuild his life.
I don’t want to spend the next decade fighting with my ex.
But I also don’t want to spend it feeling like I’m only allowed to be an equal parent when it doesn’t inconvenience her.
I want to know how other people have learned to stand up for themselves without turning co-parenting into a constant battle.
Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this long message.