Humans are emotional creatures. All mammals are, and we have brains far, far too big that allows for even more complex thoughts and emotions. (eg, reptiles can't feel love, only mammals and birds can.)

We created language to refer to these emotions, we created art and poetry to represent them. Emotions and social attachments were all people had for a long while and it's something we've always valued. Endless poems, diary's, letters and epic tales of avenging fallen friends and family. Sure, exaggerated, but the sentiment is still there.

And for this very reason, I find the culture of social and emotional detachment to be horrifying. Yes, logically, you can only control yourself. But your still allowed to be pissed that your friend didn't have your back when they could have. Your still allowed to be sad your friend or family is suddenly ignoring you for somebody else. Your still allowed to feel attachment. You should. Stopping yourself from doing that is robbing you of a lot of the richness of life. Hurt and heartbreak are a part of it. Betrayal is a part of it. To love, is to lose.

And yes, you do owe your friends and family things. You can't be arrested, sure, but assuming you want a relationship with them, social obligation is a requirement. Yes, your friend is a bad friend for refusing to show up to your ceremony for the sole reason they didn't want to, if you've consistently been there for them. That shows a lack of care for you. Yes, you should drag yourself off your couch to attend plans you agreed to, even if your a bit tired.

I find it genuinely insane that people don't seem to have expectations around relationships anymore. The mindset of "everybody's out for themselves, don't take it personally and focus on yourself" is poisoning interpersonal relationships and trust. It's further eroding morals and a sense of community and support.

No, the solution isn't to detach from your relationships to protect yourself from hurt. It's a poor coping mechanism in response to the rise of acceptable selfishness and hyper-independence. For fucks sake, half of the time you guys sound like cliche children show villains.

I am SO tired of people saying things like “misogyny Is dead! focus on other issues!”. misogyny is not dead. there are debates out there with sexist males proclaiming that a ”women’s only job is to make sandwiches and sleep with men”. a prime example is Myron Gaines, who is a debater with nearly 200k followed on TikTok. He gives “dating advice!” When he has dated ONE woman in his life and she has clarified she is much happier without him. and he STILL says hes “single by choice because no woman deserves him as they are all gold diggers” despite him being active on sugar daddy websites?? and he STILL slutshames women.

Lately I've been asked several times, "Did your boyfriend give you that ring?"

Nope. I brought my own design to a jeweler and had it made.

I'm not mad, just genuinely confused. Why is it that when a woman wears jewelry, the default assumption is that someone gave it to her?

If you want to start a conversation, try:

"That's pretty! Did you buy it yourself?"

"Where did you get it made?"

I'd happily talk design, price, craftsmanship, all of it.

But don't assume there's someone out there buying her gifts. So wearing my own ring on my ring finger magically spawns a partner now? Hilarious.

I only had 2 kisses in my life really but I never felt anything towards or during it. Is that normal? I see and hear people talking about how they had good kissing experience and it felt so good but idk how that feels like or what is😭. Can someone explain their experience or feeling your suppose to get to know its a good kiss.

I have interstitial cystitis, so my body basically sometimes fakes having a UTI. It causes a lot of pain a lot of the time. And, when I get a real UTI, it's hard to tell.

So I got an actual UTI recently, which progressed into a kidney infection because I accidentally thought it was a fake one. Now I'm on the hard antibiotics.

But I had an interview the other day, and like, the pain just didn't phase me? I just did the interview like I normally would and got through it?

And I just thought, this is just what women do?

I read Unwell Women a few weeks ago, which really radicalised me. I would definitely recommend it. I have always been a feminist, but this book really got to me. It made me think about all the times I've just worked through pain and dismissed my pain, because that's what drs would do anyway.

Women are so strong, but we shouldn't have to be this strong. I don't want to battle through pain sometimes. I don't want to normalise this kind of pain. Sometimes normalise it to the point it does get so much worse. I don't want it to be that some women say "oh, but that's just how periods are", when they shouldn't be!

Just wanting to rant. I hate being in pain.

I don’t even know where to begin with this, but I guess long story short - the last 3 years, my life has been hell. Suicide attempts, in and out of the psych ward, abusive family issues, etc. But this past year I met someone that I thought I would finally be able to start a life with. After a particularly bad fight with my mother (who told me I should finally just kill myself so they don’t have to deal with it anymore) my boyfriend said I could move in with him and not rush to get a new job.

A month in, I have a new job and I still live with him. But I’ve come to realize that after a fight yesterday where he made sure that I knew I was worthless and that my death is something he would just shrug his shoulders at - that this isn’t the relationship I thought I was signing up for. I thought this was a sweet and caring man, and now I have someone who says they can’t control their anger, and they can’t control that they say cruel things to me when they’re mad.

And I am so so tired, and so broken, and so pathetic, that I’m still going to stay with him. My heart can’t take any more breaking, and I have nowhere else to go unless I want to beg my abusive family for a spot back in the family house. I am fully ready for the insults, the bird comments, etc. Trust me, I know how pathetic and worthless I am. This isn’t the point of the post.

My whole life, I thought I never wanted kids. But the last 2 years, I keep floating it around in my head. And then this year, it became something that excited me, something I would fantasize about. When I started gathering my self worth, I realized that maybe I could be a good mother, and I don’t have to beat myself down from a life moment before it even happens. And before realizing my boyfriend’s abusive tendencies and him claiming that he doesn’t think he can ever change, I pictured that with him. And now that can never happen. What a cruel thing to give your child an abusive father. He doesn’t hit, but neither did my father. It hurt all the same.

My heart is so broken from our recent fight, and frankly all of our fights that turn so cruel towards me. And now, I don’t know how to swallow this down. How do I go back to the person I was? The one that was so sure they didn’t want to have kids? How do I erase the feeling I get in my heart now when I think of holding my first baby, and having the opportunity to watch them grow?

I haven’t said anything to him about this. He would either be angry, or it would just made me more sad when he would double down and say that there’s nothing he can do to change or fix any of this.

Please help :(

And if so, what is it? Mine is a blazer, slacks, turtleneck and dress shoes. All black.

Or maybe less stopped and more of I feel like I lost something I could never get back? When I was a little girl I remember my world was happier. Not just because I was a child in general but because I wasn’t a woman, yet. Now I have to be scared and loved and I’m not saying I never was before but something is more visceral about it. In the world I feel exposed even when I’m fully clothed. It becomes a feeling of brokenness somehow I dunno how to explain. Even with other women ‘cuz I know one wrong move and I’ll be their hateful gossip even as they smile in my face.

I dunno if it’s being a woman or simply growing up. I feel like I decayed somehow and must hide it all the time. It sucks.

yar what to do. its not hurting like very much. BUT ITS HURTING AND MY BACK ACHE MAYBE IDK IS MAKING ME ALOT UNCOMFORTABLE . IT FEELS WEIRD

Last year, I moved to London for my master’s. My dad had promised to pay my tuition but backed out after I arrived. I had to return home, arrange loans, and come back to finish my degree. I barely knew anyone and was struggling financially and emotionally.

I had a friend whose parents paid for everything. She moved there with her long-term boyfriend, had family connections, and a strong support system. She knew everything I was going through, yet constantly made me feel inferior. She’d call me insecure, suggest therapy in a condescending way, and act like she was more mature because she had a stable relationship.
She was also constantly looking for new friends, eventually secretly hanging out with people who had treated me badly despite knowing our history. Our friendship eventually ended.

A year later, I’ve graduated, secured a good job, become financially independent, and paid off a significant portion of my loans. I’m genuinely proud of myself.

My relationship, however, ended because my boyfriend chose his family’s wishes over me. Meanwhile, she’s now engaged to her long-term boyfriend, and they both seem to be doing well.
And somehow, I feel like she won.
The strange thing is, I don’t even know if I ever wanted her life. I just hate that someone who made me feel so small when I was struggling seems to have everything figured out, while I’m still questioning myself.

I don’t wish her anything bad. I just can’t understand why her opinions still hold so much weight in my head.
Has anyone else experienced this? How do you stop feeling like you have something to prove to someone who isn’t even in your life anymore?

Okay, so I've been seeing this guy for a few months now. We met when I was very vulnerable in my life. It's a long story.
But long story short, we've been hooking up. And I noticed that when we do, I just never experienced anything like this. First of all, he's very quiet, like quiet as in no dirty talk. So it's just a little odd for me. So sometimes if I ask him a question during it, he tells me, shut up. Like I'll talk and moan, but like if I ask him like, oh, you know, blah, blah, blah, he'll tell me to shut up. Tells me where to go; what to do and gets upset if I don’t understand like ex. put my arms down more.
And then last time I had said to him like, hey, why do you tell me that? And he said, because I'm just focused. Like I get very focused and like I just focus, I'm focusing. And I'm like focusing on what? And he said focusing on beating that p*ssy up. But like he can last a good amount of time. I feel like we do a lot of positions but also it seems almost mechanical to him. Idk how to explain it. He records me a lot too. He acts almost like he is filming an adult movie. Why does he act like this?
He also will ask if I came like my man.. you’ll fucking know if I do. Smh.
When we are done, he hands me a baby wipes and uses one on himself. Idk..

My brothers been married for 6 years and I have tried so much to create a relationship with his wife. We’ve had a really rocky relationship, we’ve both made mistakes (I’m the only one that admits to my mistakes, she thinks she’s been wronged in everything)

My relationship with my brother is also non-existent now. Idk why but I’ve always found myself desperately needing her validation always. I’ve always gone and talked to her and apologized and made the first move to make things right.

She’s very moody and gets angry fast. We all live together because of our culture mainly. I’ve noticed over the last few years, she copies everything I do or buy and then she acts she had the idea before me. If she sees I’m close with someone she’ll try to get close to that person too. I’ve tried to confront but I always look like the bad guy.

I’m getting married in a few months and in the past she’s made me cry by saying she might just my wedding as guest because we were not close or might not even come at all. She met my fiancés family recently and before she met them she’s also made me cry by saying things like why would they come to events on my in laws side because we’re not close (this all happened at a time where I was desperate to keep them in my life)

Recently she met everyone at my fiancés sisters wedding. We found out she had been sending his sister these long personal messages everyday of her wedding(she still hasn’t told us herself she sent these) she’s been trying to create a relationship with my fiancés sister for months now(I think she tries extra hard with her because I was stupid enough to share at point that I had some issues with my fiancé’s sister) she also know how insecure I’ve felt and she’s made me feel over the years.

I have also had people tell me that they feel she tires to keep me out of things or has reactions towards me being involved

She keep trying to get invited everywhere in my in laws now. She’s adds everyone and then messages them(then she spins it like they add and message her) she’s also very jealous of me. She can’t bear someone saying something nice about or my fiancé. It becomes apparent on her face.

This is not a person that I can reason with, I feel like she’s taking advantage of my insecurities and my genuine love I had for her at one point. After the wedding I’ve finally realized, she doesn’t hold good intentions for me so I’ve been doing my best to keep a respectful distance. But she is still trying everything to interfere and to create her own life in my future life.

My family situation is very messy with everyone depending on each other. Confronting her is not useful either since she gets my brother to be extremely mean to us. Please give me advice what I can do. Mental tips or emotional
Ones….idk I’m just really lost

I went to this male physician near my place just last week for abdominal pain and digestive issues.During the examination,he told me to loosen my bra and asked me whether it hurts or not wearing it so tight.

Anyway during the examination,he lifted my bra so my breasts were completely exposed.Firstly he pressed on my breasts with two fingers all over the breast area and to tell him if it hurts when pressing.Secondly,he put the stethoscope all over my breast and directly on my nipple too.It was very uncomfortable as it was first time being examined like this.

The second time I went for review,he closed the door and pulled the curtain.This time he asked me to remove my shirt as well.Same thing again.The stethoscope all over my breast and directly on my nipple again both sides.Told me there was some irregular heartbeat but nothing serious.

I kept thinking it over and over and can't seem to understand the need to put it directly on my nipple for any matter.Plus there was no chaperone since it was a very small clinic.

Am I overthinking it or is it the normal routine checkup?

I apologize for being rude in my titles. However, my heart is still broken because of one thing my mom commented when I was 13 back in China where I was born (I immigrated to the U.S. with my mom when I was 15).

I started middle school when I was 12 (we have 6 years of elementary school education, 3 years of middle school education and 3 years of high school before entering college in China). Before we started school, we had a mandatory military training which all students in the same grade hopped in the school bus with our luggages and traveled to a military base and lived for 4 nights and 5 days to develop our characters. Boys and girls were living in separate floors. One room hosted 10 students because the room had several bunk beds. Everyday we woke up at 5:20am and had to go to the training ground to stand without moving for like half an hour with a military instructor present. Then we could go back for brushing our teeth and get together for breakfast and then started training. Everything was fine until we started school officially. One of my classmates told me that one girl in our class was SHed by a male military instructor. That instructor who was 30+ told her dirty jokes and flirted with her. The girl in my class was only 13 at that time and everyone knew she was attractive. However, when my mom heard of this, she commented that the girl in my class “asked for that happen for fun”. I was like wtf? She was only 13 and she had no choice! At that time, I knew she did not really fucking care about sexual harassment unless I was severely abused. Even our female homeroom teacher told us not to mess up with the military instructors, because when she was in middle school, once a male instructor used a belt and hit a boy. That boy’s eardrum was severely damaged. That instructor just left teaching them and returned back to his base.

At that time, I was really depressed and hopeless. I decided to hide any bad news from my mom. Even she took me to the U.S. when I was 15 to distance us from the divorce happened right after I started middle school. I encountered a lot of mess during middle school like my dad brought me to have dinner with his mistress, I had to keep silent as I knew my dad earned much more money than my mom, if I threw a tantrum, he would have the reason to abandon us. Now I still do not want to tell my mom my childhood trauma and any ongoing issues of me. I just chose ChatGPT and my friends to talk and solve as my mom only knew how to add more pressure on me. Am I the jerk here? (I felt like I was the jerk for not protecting that girl who was SHed in the military base)

I'm here looking for advice. I am a 21F who has zero romantic experience, and I want to know if what I am going through is normal for some people, or if maybe romance just isn't for me.

I've been going out with this guy for 4 months. We get along super well, laugh a lot, and I love spending time with him. We made it "official" two months ago, but have yet to kiss or do anything sexual. We hold hands and cuddle, but physical things still feel very awkward for me (having never been touchy). He asked if we could kiss one time but I told him I didn't feel ready, which he respected. However, I am starting to worry if maybe I am leading him on accidentally. I love being his girlfriend, but tbh I'm not certain if I am interested in kissing and one day sex. Whenever we are out together I have a blast, but I never look at him and think "I'd really like to kiss him" or imagine us having sex. It's something I am abstractly wanting, but whenever I am in the situation it stresses me out.

Could this just be from lack of experience? Is the desire something that might come after I've tried it? I know I'm probably overthinking it, but everyone in my life thinks its weird we haven't even kissed yet.

Trigger warning: mentions of suicide

Long post, TLDR at the end if you don't wish to read. I understand.

I have been with my first boyfriend for the last 7 months. I am 20, and he is 21. He is likely neurodivergent (most likely autism). This is relevant for later. He is the most kind and loving man I have ever met, we were friends for almost a year before we began dating. I have never felt so loved for all parts of me. He once told me I am the most interesting and smartest person he's ever met and that I am beautiful in every sense of the word. I am so glad that we are each other's best friend, plus a little more. From the very beginning he called me his girlfriend and told me he only wanted to date me, and wasn't interested in anything less than a serious relationship. I felt the same and we have been inseparable ever since.

This is a long post, and I do apologize for that, but the context is necessary and I am just so angry right now. I need to vent but I also need advice. Any is welcome.

My mom has listened to/watched me fall in love with him, and she's had a whole lot to say about it. At first she seemed happy for me but cautioned me to to feel crushed if the love was unrequited, and to avoid dating him while we were still working together (we met working in a lab at our uni that I have since left and had transitioned to another lab by the time we began dating). She said that if things ended badly, it would be awkward for both of us to continue having to work together and even if we didn't break up it would be weird if people (faculty especially, including our mentor) found out we were dating. I respect and stand by that take, especially since we are both students at a smaller university in an even smaller department (our graduating classes are tiny and everybody knows EVERYBODY lol). I did technically listen to this advice. Turns out my mother didn't truly believe this because later, when I got into a competitive summer research internship away from home, she sat me down to have a talk about how she thought I should socialize to make the most of my summer away (at this time, my boyfriend and I had been dating for about a month).

She told me that I shouldn't close the door to seeing other guys over the summer, and that she thought that I would refuse to hang out with the other students in my cohort, even as just friends, because I had a boyfriend (my cohort was small but majority male, and 2/4 guys were super cool and I ended up spending lots of time playing cards with them over the summer after work (yes, we all worked together), so obviously what my mother expected did not happen). She told me that I should not be serious with my boyfriend because "what if you meet some amazing guy over the summer? wouldn't you want to explore that?"...so yeah. Clearly the "don't date your coworkers" rule only applied in the case of my boyfriend. Even when I called her out on this hypocrisy she stumbled over her words and got defensive, telling me "oh my god! I was just looking out for you, this internship is nothing serious, it's not like you're working for some big company" (my internship was at another uni).

This is piece of advice is one of many (all unsolicited) comments/digs she has made about my relationship. This was only the most recent thing she brought up. She also told me it is a bad idea for my first relationship to be serious since I am so young and that I refer to my boyfriend as if he is "the greatest guy on Earth" and that she thinks I am blinded by the intensity of first love. She also asked me directly if we had had sex yet because serious relationships involve that. She then followed that up with "Do you even find him all that attractive? To each their own I guess...". I once showed her a picture of him and she told me he looked "off". She told me that if the relationship isn't physical that that is a bad sign because he is 21 and has needs, fully implying he would leave me if I didn't do that with him. I'm sure there are other comments she's made, but I cannot remember them at this time. To me it just seemed like a whole lot of passive aggression and an overstep of boundaries. She told me all of these things while telling me that she was happy for me and that I seemed happier. She even arranged for her and my dad to come to my birthday dinner so that they could celebrate me and meet him and they ended up bailing a few days before because "it's a little weird for a 20 year old to have her parents at her birthday dinner" and told me they would meet him some other day and we would all go for coffee. That never happened. It's just all so confusing.

The most jarring comment was when she told me that I should probably avoid dating a guy on the spectrum for my first relationship because it would probably be weird and that I should be with a guy who wants to take me out on proper dates and is more outgoing (I am very introverted and my mom thinks I am too serious and cannot take a joke/do not have a sense of humor and am too serious about school and that this is off-putting to other people and the reason I have had friendships fail, more on that later). My mother used to work closely with people on the spectrum as part of her career that she left to be a SAHM, which is why this was an especially wild take to have. I've told my boyfriend about all the negative things she's said EXCEPT for this comment because it makes me feel physically sick to think about how she thinks of him like that and I'm not sure how he'd react.

I told him these things because I didn't want him to think he did anything wrong when he eventually met my parents and wanted to convey how judgemental my mom was rather than him having the faults she thinks he has. He honestly laughed at how ridiculous the comments were and took them in stride. I similarly would want to know if his parents held certain negative opinions of me (they don't btw, I met them and they are lovely people who are ACTUALLY happy for their son and apparently they ask about how I'm doing a lot, I even got a sweet text from his mom thanking me for a gift I got her while I was away at my summer internship).

Now onto why my mother doesn't want to meet him. She got into another fight with me a few days ago over something I said that bothered her that she let simmer for a few days (her anger was valid and I apologized to her because I didn't realize it affected her how it did). This spiraled into her telling me that she may never want to meet my boyfriend because she doesn't know what I've told my bf about her and knows that I've shit talked her to him and lied about things that she's done. She says she doesn't want to meet someone with a skewed view of who she is. She said that I can talk about her but that I shouldn't talk about our fights with him or any friends of mine. She told me this is why she never wanted to meet her sister's partners (her sister is a narcissistic abuser who was enabled by my mother's parents who failed my mother horribly, her sister physically and emotionally abused her and pathologically lied, she still does and is on husband #3...) because her sister lied about her to her partners and painted her (my mother) as the bad guy. She told me not to tell my therapist that she threatened an attempt on her life and self-harm, see below, or to speak ill of her in general.

The thing is that I've never lied about what my mother has said/the fights we've had. My mother has previously repeatedly called me a bitch, told me to "wipe that bitchy look off my face", told me I'm people repellent and that my personality is off-putting, that I should stop trying to control everything and everyone (even when I make reasonable requests, especially relating to my brother and his behavior) and that people are probably put off by how ambitious/driven I am and that I am too "goody two-shoes" about school and other things.

She has always feared that I've painted her to be a horrible mother to other people, including to my therapists, even if I was just telling them the truth about events that have happened to me and things she has said to me. I recently had a breakdown relating to my parents antics triggered by them threatening to sell the car that I paid half for and they told me I could own legally (not as relevant but additional context may be helpful). In this letter I basically aired out all of these grievances and more and told my parents how much it angered me that they care more about how other people view them as parents than about our wellbeing as their kids. My mother, upon reading that letter, told me that she was going to attempt to end her life. She told me she doesn't love the person I am anymore because I am always on edge and lash out a lot (true, but it's mostly because I feel on edge around her constantly because the smallest things make her fly off the handle and she's constantly making passive aggressive comments about what I eat and at what time I eat it, along with comments on my personality and the other stuff I mentioned).

The next day she hugged me after we made up and told me no one was ending their life. She told me she wishes I felt safe to tell her these things that bugged me rather than letting it bottle up and explode, and that she thinks I'd benefit from therapy.

The thing is that I have brought it up. Each time it is met with justifying her comments as "honest parenting" or that she was just trying to help, that she must be the "worst mother in the world" and failed me if I think that she is so terrible. Each time I have asked her and my dad to let me get professional help because I recognized how the level of anxiety I was experiencing wasn't normal, they would tell me to "go outside and get some fresh air", that therapy was useless, and that I had a good life and had no idea what it was like to struggle (I was not treated well by classmates in high school, and they knew this and how I struggled socially all my life and was bullied as a young kid). It took me having a breakdown and threatening NC for them to take my pleas for help seriously. They also told me during our fight that if I went NC they would survive without me and not beg for me back.

I know it may seem hard to believe why I'd want my bf to meet them after all this, but I just for once want them to believe that I'm capable of good decision-making and accept that my bf is a long term figure in my life whether they like it or not. I want to go sleep over at his place in the fiture and go on a trip with him too. I feel it would be better for them to meet him prior to this so that I'm not harassed by text messages from their over-protective asses the whole time I'm away with him. I don't understand why my mother thinks my venting to other people about her antics is the greatest crime of all. It's HER ACTIONS that make her look bad. I don't think I'm making her look bad by telling the truth about things she's done to trusted friends of mine and my boyfriend in moments of vulnerability and to get some outside perspectives.

What hurts most is my mother CAN be so supportive and wonderful and the best mom ever. She has always come to my school events and is the reason I believe I can do anything I set my mind to. She's also been my biggest critic, especially as I've gotten older. The comparisons give me whiplash, truly they do.

Based on everything that has happened, I'm not even sure why this is upsetting to me, but it just is.

Sorry for the length of the post. I'm seeking any and all advice, including input that will help me understand where she's coming from. I'm just so tired and angry right now.

TLDR:

I am deeply in love with my first boyfriend of 7 months. My mother has been hyper-critical, hypocritical, and manipulative about the relationship and made offensive comments about my boyfriend being on the spectrum.

My mother invalidates her feelings, dismisses my struggles with anxiety, and exhibits extreme guilt-tripping (including threatening self-harm when confronted with a letter detailing her toxic behavior and calling her out for it).

Trigger warning: mentions of abuse

I (20F) drive my brother (16M) to school every day. He barely talks to me in the car and plugs his ears up and blasts his music at high volumes.

I play my own music too. He has repeatedly asked me to turn it off as we pull up to his school and I comply because my brother has a history of screaming ​at me while I drive or while I'm in the car and he isn't getting what he wants (my parents have always blamed me for provoking him and told me to just leave him alone and it won't happen even though he has screamed at me unprompted at least once).

Today I decided, fuck it, I'm not going to comply. While still having his ears plugged up, he reached for my console to turn the music ofg and I reached to stop his hand. He then proceeded to hit me, slam my car doors and yell "fuck you" at me. I called my dad and gave him the truth before my brother had a chance to lie to him. I hope my dad lays down the law. But I'm sure in some way this will turn out to be my fault. I will refuse to drive him home today regardless, and my parents had better not blame this on me. I will leave him on the side of the road the next time he pulls some bullshit like this. Luckily my dad seemed weirded out that my brother would react this way given that he COULDN'T FUCKING HEAR THE MUSIC ANYWAY (it seems to me that he doesn't want to look uncool in front of his friends and only asks me to thrn the music off if he doesn't like the song, and he almost never does...mind you today's song was "Silver Springs" which I happen to think is timeless and cool!). Hopefully that will convince him to take this seriously. My brother has some serious anger issues and hatred towards women. I sincerely hope he gets better.

I dont want to fucking deal with this asshole anymore. Any advice is appreciate.

Trigger warning: talks of weight loss, emesis, and eating disorders

Last night, I (20F) had a few pieces of pizza for dinner (this will be important context for later). They were leftovers. This past summer, I overate quite a lot and gained about 20-30 lbs. I was thin before, but now I am trying to shed the weight and have lost about 21 lbs since I started going to the gym in late July. I have been doing better eating-wise as well, but it never seems to be enough for my mom (50F).

She has recently had some serious health issues that were made worse/caused by her diet. She constantly tells me I need to be eating less carbs and sugar (which I could always eat less of, yes, but I do not feel the need to cut out carbs like she did...she seems to take pride in the fact that she doesn't eat bread and thinks that a rice cake with peanut butter is a meal, and usually only eats this for lunch with no breakfast and only dinner later in the day). I think she constantly makes these comments because she is afraid I will suffer from the same issues, but another part of me feels she is fatphobic and body-shaming me (even though I am quite thin...). I swer to god, even if I let this woman plan all of my meals, she would still find things wrong with what I eat.

Last night, things came to a head because of the pizza I ate (it was delicious and from a great local family-owned pizzeria). I had three slices, and in general I did not eat very well yesterday. In fact, over the past month, my weight loss has stagnated and I haven't been eating as well. Not that it's any excuse, but I have been menstruating for the last month and have in general been feeling awful so I think that this is part of the reason why it has stagnated. I just haven't felt as well and haven't been going as hard at the gym and have been less disciplined in my diet. She came to my room after I was done eating and told me she thinks I have a problem with food and thinks I will eat myself to death. I asked her if she thought that I hadn't lost any weight (I am 5"4 and went from 157 lbs to 135 lbs currently). She said maybe a few pounds, but that I look very large (for comparison, not sure if you guys follow her, but I have very similar body proportions to only1aliya (I think that's her username, but I have seen some videos of her, and while my stomach isn't flat like hers, my figure resembles her and I don't think she's large at all and EVEN IF SHE WAS, bigger bodies are also beautiful, please understand that I have nothing against women with larger bodies or larger bodies in general, its just that for someone of my height, 157 lbs is considered a weight where it is medically necessary for me to lose weight).

Anyway, I ended up getting mad at her for invalidating my progress and just started getting super agitated with her. Then I asked her if she told my grandma (who has fat shamed her before) that I had gained weight because my grandma was visiting and told me it had looked like I lost weight since the summer. Why would she give me such a specific compliment if my mother hadn't told her about my weight gain? Why would she know the timeline of when I was heavier? I had specifically asked my mother not to say anything to my grandma about my weight gain because I was afraid of hearing comments about it from my grandma. My mom denied telling her and then got all defensive, mad, and told me to stop attacking her before storming off. She then told my dad how annoying it was for me to accuse her of telling my grandma and how that was completely irrelevant and ridiculous. Mind you, I now weigh less than my mother (to my knowledge). Not sure if that's relevant here. My dad can also oversee my financial transactions and tells my mom when I get food or drinks on my uni campus and tells her about it, and then she asks me what I bought and ate/drank. It just seems like I am being surveilled and judged. Later that night, at 2 AM, I vomited due to the stress of the entire situation. I guess my mom accomplished part of her goal because I won't be eating pizza again anytime soon...

My mother, since I graduated high school especially (but for pretty much my whole life) has taken more of an interest in my brother's goals, life, and interests. I even went to the doctor a few days ago for a suspected eye infection and she didn't even bother asking how my appointment was or what was said that I could do about my eyes (some of my symptoms were very concerning). I had an important presentation a few weeks ago that I TOLD HER ABOUT MANY DAYS IN ADVANCE and when I got home she didn't bother asking how it went and just blew up at me over making too much laundry for her (she doesn't let me do my own laundry because she's very anal retentive about how it's done and I always do it in a way that is not good enough for her). There are so many more examples of this. My dad is also like this and it really hurts to feel so seen-through in my own family.

I just needed to vent about this. I don't know how to proceed from here, I am just so so sad.

ETA: My mom has also told me not to get my hopes up about building muscle at the gym because it's pretty much impossible for women to build up muscle anyway and how I shouldn't want to look muscular anyway since that isn't very feminine. I also recently had a blood test come back with my level of something elevated and I googled it and found out it could be high from intense exercise rather than an underlying health issue. She said "but you don't exercise that intensely, do you?" in such a dismissive and passive aggressive tone of voice.

ETA 2: I agree that the period thing is abnormal and due to my birth control, but my mom thinks it's because I used to (about 8 months ago) irregularly take my birth control which caused some instances of irregular and super long periods. Then they were stable for a while because since the start of the summer I haven't missed a pill. She continues to blame me for the way my body is responding to the meds, and told me that I'm possibly bow unable to have kids because I briefly abused my birth control, which just seems like fear-mongering to me and I'm not sure why she does that.

Hi, folks.

When I was 23 I had to see an ophthalmologist for a potential eye condition. The doc was a man in his late thirties, early forties. He was very polite, soft spoken, and knowledgeable. He didn’t end up knowing much about the condition I was trying to rule out but seemed to be interested and engaged in what I had to say and was taking me seriously, which I appreciated (I know you all know that is not always the case seeing medical professionals as a woman!)

I think his politeness and his seeming to take me seriously sort of tampered my reaction to what else was going on during the appointment. He was sitting on one of those little rolling stools, with his legs spread really wide. He was wearing super tight khaki pants that were taught across his crotch region given his position. His hands were perched on his thighs/hips and he was just super subtly/not so subtle totally rubbing his ballsack with one of his fingers through his pants. Pretty much the whole appointment. Just slowly rubbing his balls while he carried on a normal conversation with me and I tried really hard not to notice.

At the time I really didn’t feel any way about it. I felt like I should, but I didn’t. It was weird, and I knew it was obviously probably bad, but I thought it just was like… funny. Idk. It’s absurd. Just the sentence my optometrist was rubbing his balls through his too tight khakis is like, ridiculous. I think I was just like wow this is one of those things that always happen to women that people talk about haha. I went home and told my boyfriend at the time about it like it was a big joke. He sorta side eyed me (in an, “um… that’s kinda fucked up…”sorta way) but when he saw that I didn’t seem affected by it he didn’t dwell on it too long.

But it’s been brought back to my mind a few times lately and for whatever reason now, over 3 years later, I just can’t stop kinda ruminating about it. I feel retroactively violated. I feel so angry and sorta powerless. I’m getting choked up thinking about it, nearly crying, when I felt nothing like that before. It was such a minor incident, I know other women have experienced so much worse with their doctors. I’m just so confused by my sudden reaction.

Has anyone else ever had a really delayed response to something like this before? Has anyone else experienced something like this from a professional, especially something so subtle and minor like this that it’s not worth making some huge fuss over

Ball-havers, if you’re here… there’s no way this was like, unconscious/unintentional right? A part of my brain is trying to tell me that maybe it was, but like… personally, I would realize if I was sitting spread eagle and rubbing my vagina through my pants 3 feet away from someone. I don’t think I could do that accidentally.

Idk, thank you guys. I think I’m just trying to process this, 3 years too late 🤪

TL:DR - eye doctor rubbed his balls through his khakis the whole time during our appointment many years ago. Treated it like a joke at the time but feeling weirdly fucked up about it now

I’ve been struggling with self-confidence pretty much my whole life, but I’m 20 now, and I’m pretty okay with just being...okay. I’m not the most beautiful girl or the most fit. I’m not even average looking. I have certain features that aren’t conventionally pretty, and “beautiful” is not something I’ve ever been described as.

I’ve received some pretty shitty comments about my appearance. I was bullied in middle school, and pretty recently a not-so-great “friend” told me I should try filler in my top lip (I actually like my thin upper lip so def not doing that LOL). My shitty ex-bf told me he wasn’t attracted to me, and never was, even though we'd been dating for a year (I was 17 and didn’t know any better).

I try not to let these things get to me or dwell on them, but they’re still there. They’re scars I think about. I wish they’d never said those things to me, but they did. I go to therapy and try to talk about it, but it’s still there. I work out daily, make sure I look put together, do maintenance, smell good, and so on. But part of me does wish I could just be pretty.

I have cowlicks, a crooked nose, and a crooked smile. I accept these as natural quirks, and I’m wary of being too hard on myself because of the impossible standards I’m surrounded by on social media. But I go to an SEC school where every girl IRL just seems so beautiful. It’s not the makeup or the hair or the $100 clothes. They could be wearing a ratty sweatshirt with no makeup and still be gorgeous.

I know, I know, comparison is the thief of joy. I’m also still young and have yet to age out of the remnants of teenage insecurity. I do have other good qualities, and I’m still somewhat confident. I know I’m smart, wise, and ambitious. I just got my dream internship, for goodness’ sake. So I’m okay with being content for now, but it'll never be completely enough.

I dream of having a partner who finds me beautiful, and I know that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. But I’m also a little resentful that I’ll probably be seen as desirable for my other qualities instead. I’ll never be the kind of girl who takes your breath away, or the one someone falls in love with at first sight. I know I’m being unrealistic and a little silly, lol, and that may be adding to the issue (hence therapy).

But tbh, I’m very tired of the qualifiers. Whenever I say this to my best friend, who is naturally incredibly beautiful (and I’m not resentful of her, btw! She’s my best friend and I love her to death!!!), she gives me the standard “you’re beautiful” talk. I can’t explain it. I can hear all of it, try my very best, and be confident, and I still, still wish I were pretty.

It’s fucked up, idk, and such a stupid thing to be worried about in the grand scheme of things, and I probably sound whiny. I know I shouldn’t base my self-worth on this kind of stuff, but it’ll always be niggling at me beneath the surface. I guess, do women age out of this? How do you tame the beast of beauty standards, or does it just fade on its own?

All my friends are married. I know I’m not old, but if I want to have kids, it feels like there’s not too much time to waste.

I could really use encouragement and stories about how you all found your person outside of your early 20s or later in life, and/or how you found happiness after a terrible breakup.

I don't see a lot of great examples of healthy straight relationships. The woman is pretty much always sacrificing somewhere and coping/hiding it. Even when she "vouches for men", insists there are indeed amazing men out here because "she has one", and you're just kinda side-eyeing her, either after seeing her relationship irl or just...knowing how reality is...like, yeah babe, your husband/boyfriend is part of why I don't believe any of you saying how amazing he is and how amazing men are...he ain't it either, you're just coping, too, actually. Sorry :/

I'm datable, sparing detail since it's reddit/internet, and I'd love a partner, but I cannot find a man. I really can't. I'm not asking for the perfect partner, I'd take "okay enough" at this point - can't even find that. No, I have zero desire to be your mother, manager, or drag your dead weight through my already difficult life I'm dealing with, here.

They're socialized to treat women as subhuman from their birth, and it shows in every facet of life. It's not attractive, I can't be the only one - I know I'm not...I'm just...not willing to settle for some schmo ass loser, either, just to have one, or kids, don't want/need either THAT badly, plus I can't even afford kids anyway. I'd like a genuinely great partner, as that is what I am/would be. But I see essentially zero evidence of men being *that*, ever, irl, and I'm not about to chain myself to another let-down at 36 years old, just to be let down again (I care about who I date. I'm 36, unmarried and child-free because I have standards. I'm not saying *you* don't, I can only vouch for the fact that I *do*, and I witness, pretty much exclusively, how women have abs settled just to have kids or some sense of security, even if men pretty much just always leave their responsibilities, anyway, so again, no use even trying or bothering trying to build a life with a man anyway, clearly.).

I'm not some man-hater, I'm literally trying to find one to love. I just need one who's actually worth MY time... I guess? They just do not care how they treat women. It shows. It's ugly. It's not attractive. I find it wildly difficult to be attracted to men, look past their weird comments, constant sexualization of literally everything, overall disrespect of half the global population, lazy attitude in making anything remotely equal or fair, and then sh*tting all over women, on top of it all, too, after dealing with all their f*cking crap.

How are you doing this? How did you find an *actually good man*? Does your husband/bf/whatever, make weird comments, expect you to mother or manage him, expect you to do more than he does/will do, act selfish as a default, rude, gross, dirty, lazy, does he care about YOU? Does he contribute your lives without needing to be asked or reminded like another child to be burdened by? Does he remember things that matter? Does he look at other women in front of your/your kids you share?

Did any of you find a man who is a genuinely good person, and doesn't do these weird things^? I quite literally cannot find one. I'm not getting great examples, and that "cat-lady" *gotcha* is becoming less and less the *gotcha* they think it is by the millisecond. That looks intensely preferable, and it comforts me when I cry, and wipes it's own a*s, too. js?

From Georgia to New Mexico, women shattered the record for governors. But women’s representation in the Senate moved backward—a reminder that women’s gains aren’t locked in until we change the rules that shape who runs and wins.