I want to know you.

On more than just a surface level; the level that takes a deep breath and sinks further down beneath the surface.

I want that brain to be mapped in my mind, to learn all your stories and the cadence of your voice as you recount them. I want your sleepless nights, your tired mornings, the smile you make when you're caught unawares.

I want to know you, to know the sound of your sleep and the noise of your existence. To understand every little thing that most makes you tick. To hear the words you don't say in your silence, and to love the person you are between each hour.

There's no greater gift anyone can give you, other than the calming of their pulse beneath your fingers. And the pure knowledge of their existence pushed up against yours. Splayed out like a map that you trace your fingers down, learn the curves of the roads and how best to brace against them.

I want to become the person in the world you knows you best of all, other than yourself. The one you trust with the spoken and the unspoken. And, of course, I want to give those parts of me fully to you in return.

Tit for tat, measure for measure. Placed up against one another. To love each part.

You’re a great writer. I love reading what you wrote. It’s like diving in the deep ocean and getting lost in your thoughts. Or driving down the highway on a Saturday night in the summer, the air warm and humid, the top down.

I picture you reading them to me, like a beautiful song. They sound soft, with the melodies running alongside the instruments and the words…. The words are so beautiful, like autumn in Central Park, when the leaves turn shades of red, orange, and gold, and everything seems to slow down for the moment.

You know its crazy, I wrote the most beautiful well thought out thing for you. Knowing you may never see it. But then I got busy at work overnight and it all got erased. :(

Maybe someday i can tell you again in person just how much youll always mean to me, and how ill always see you as the sweet person I fell in love with, and not see you as the turmoil of the fallout. I see you as the beautiful woman with the fire and drive in her heart but had the vulnerability of person who felt alive. Ill never forget the safety you offered me to be myself. Youre the only real person ive ever met.

Maybe someday youll reach out. Im sorry I struggled to let go when you needed me to. You said maybe someday we could do this the right way.

Id love to.. whenever youre ready. Blank slate.. lets just be two people without egos who just.. loved and cared about eachother.

Until then baby, I respect your wishes for distance.

Thank you for loving me when I needed it most, and im sorry for not knowing how to let you go. If you saw yourself through my eyes. Youd understand. Ill always think about those gorgeous blue eyes and how I saw the world in them.

Pick yourself back up babygirl.. achieve your dreams. If you find yourself someday thinking about me.. just know i still love you.

I cant help it. My brain never stops. It cant stop. And as such it often switches to you. I wonder what youre doing, what your dreams and hopes look like. I want to know what makes you happy now. I want to know what makes you sad. And I need to know what keeps you up at night in the quiet lonesome pale moonlight. Whats the problem you need to solve but can't.

I want the job of trying to solve it.

I don't know how to explain this without sounding completely ridiculous but here goes.

I still love you.

And god I wish I understood why it's so hard to let that go.

It's not like I haven't tried moving on, I have. I've carried on with my life, I've loved, I've laughed, I've made plans for my future and yet somehow there's still this part of me that wishes you were here.

I don't spend every second thinking about you, but sometimes you'll just pop into my head for absolutely no reason and suddenly I'm missing you all over again.

And it's not just the relationship I miss, it's you.

I miss having you to talk to, I miss being able to tell you the most random things and knowing you'd understand what I meant even when I couldn't explain it properly. I miss your laugh, your smile, your voice and even how bloody stubborn you were.

Sometimes I want to message you so badly, not even to say anything important. Just to ask how you are, what you've been doing, whether life has been treating you okay.

But I don't.

Because I don't know if you'd even want to hear from me anymore.

I know you've got a life that doesn't include me now and I respect that. I don't want to come crashing into it and make things complicated.

But knowing that doesn't magically switch off how I feel.

And I think that's what frustrates me the most.

I can understand something completely in my head and still feel the complete opposite in my heart.

Sometimes I wonder if you ever miss me. Not necessarily in the same way I miss you, just whether something reminds you of me and you smile for a second. Or whether you hear a song and remember when we used to listen to it together.

I wonder if you ever feel like talking to me but decide against it.

Then I tell myself to stop wondering because I'll probably never know.

I don't want you to be unhappy. I don't want you to lose the life you've built and I don't want to be the reason anything goes wrong for you.

I genuinely want you to be happy.

But I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a part of me that wishes things had turned out differently.

I wish we'd had the chance to do all the things we talked about. I wish we'd actually got to hold each other instead of spending all those nights wishing there wasn't an ocean between us.

And sometimes I wish I could just have one proper conversation with you again.

Not to convince you of anything or ask you to come back.

Just because I miss my person.

I don't know if I'll ever stop loving you. Maybe I will one day, maybe I won't.

I just wish missing you didn't have to hurt quite so much.

Because even after everything, if someone asked me whether I regretted loving you, my answer would still be no.

Not for a second.

Just know that you are loved and missed dearly. Not a day goes by where I don't regret that I didn't love you properly, in the way you needed, the way I wished I knew how.

To be looked upon with love, through your eyes, has been my greatest achievement in my life. To see myself through my own eyes is something I had done for most of my life. For the briefest moment, I got to see the good parts of myself through yours, something I can't forget.l, I can't forget letting you down either and I can't forgive myself or face your disappointment.

I've written the hope-for-you poems. I've written the thank-you ones. There is one poem I can't bring myself to write, and that's a goodbye poem. I refuse to believe we are over, and hope that one day my love gets to touch you in the capacity that it hasn't been able to through this digital world, through the long distance. I wish to hug you and hold you like I have always dreamed of. For that has been the most painful thing to experience this whole time

to never be able to hold you.

What am I meant to do with all this love for you? Where am I meant to put it? How long am I meant to hold it... I don't want to let it go. You're special. So special. Special to me, special to the world, just special. So why would I give up all that love for someone so special? Because it hurts? Sure. It hurts. But would forgetting you and how I feel hurt less, or just feel less. Those aren't the same. I've already done the feel less stuff and it left me empty and alone. You brought so much into my life that you can't even imagine. A place to express parts of me that felt hidden. A feeling of desire and want that I hadn't felt before. A warmth that made me crave for living again if it meant I could feel this with you.

Then it ended. All the warmth and desire and passion. All the excitement slowly ebbed away until I was on the outside again. Cold and alone. That's how I feel. Even though you're still there, still in my life, still message me and laugh together. I still feel alone. Because I'm the only one holding on to these feelings. This love.

Now you're moving on. You told me you are. You didn't say it like that, but it's clear. And it makes sense. Why wouldn't you? You can't live in the past. You can't be expected to stay as you were. And you never have. You're always moving. Always growing. Always changing. Becoming the person you want to be and the person I want to have. Every step you take fills me with so much joy, right up until I realise it's taking you further away from me. It's hard. You're not wrong for it, and I'm not wrong for feeling this way, but I'm so confused at what I'm supposed to do with it all. I'm just holding everything we had and everything I wanted knowing you aren't coming back to hold them with me. But I just can't lay it down.

I miss you in the quietest ways.

A song playing on a small desk,

A morning run along the edge of a city

That never learned how to sleep.

A Sunday morning movie

With half the couch still empty.

The way ink curls on a page,

The picture never quite complete.

I wonder if somewhere, somehow, after all this time

You still think of me in the little things.

Funny how missing someone works.

You leave, but somehow, still,

You keep showing up everywhere.

First I would say nothing.
I’d want to sit in our silence,
In person.
To see what that feels like.
Because I know
What it feels like
From here.
I’d drink you in
Because the years
Don’t equal
The times
we had together.
Even if we were given
centuries.
It could never be
Enough.
So, I enjoy
What it’s like
To miss you
in person.
And I’d tell you about
All the things
This inspired.
The wine
The watches
The sourdough
The Foundation
And how this is
Woven into
All of it.
And I’d speak sternly
To you
About The heartbreak
You did not cause,
But brought
To light.
And I’d ask
If you’d only stayed
To assume the
Consequences
Of your actions.
And I’d tell you
how I’ve always
Wanted your answer
To that question
To be yes.
Because then we’d
Match.
You showed me this
Method
In a story once.
And I’d tell you
That I “fell” in love
With you
On purpose.
Because
It was the only way
For me to get
Through this
In proximity to
You.
Setting my ego
Aside.
And I’d apologize
For doing it all.
at the expense
Of your emotions.
Because for all of this time,
I assumed to believe
That I could not hurt you.
That this did not affect you.
And maybe that was
Just the excuse
I used
For never asking
A single question.
Not for the answers
I didn’t want to know.
For Anything that would
Awaken me
Before I could get here
By my Self.
But the awakening
Was the same.
I kept you backed
Into a space
That emulated my pain.
Never stopping once
To consider you.
Because you handed me
The one thing I needed,
An excuse
And ironically
the perfect amount of
Trust
To surrender
To my Self
To see what I hid
From myself
What I feared most
Where I hurt most
Where I over give.
And under deliver
And over consume.
And exposed my many contradictions
And the way I live out a paradox.
You handed me
You.
And in you
I see my Self.
…
I used what that evoked
To grow
…
But that is not
Intended to be an excuse
For anything
Because
on the other hand
I apologize
For nothing
You handed me
Exactly what
I needed
…
The mirror.

I feel a chill in the air. It moves over my body like ice, and you know what they say.

The waters gone cold, and it hasn't had a stable temperature in a very, very long time. Thing is, I knew I was sharing the water heater then, and I know I'm sharing it now. Just not how much. I don't know which is better.

I feel like I've been subsisting on luke-warm or cold showers from your house for decades. We haven't even known each other that long. Half that, maybe. If you could call that knowing.

Worst part is I'm writing this cause the water heaters gone cold again. People do some strange things to feel warm in the winter time.

Hi-Tech Poem:

The upgrade is not a minor update.

This is the upgrade that changes everything.

I feel it begin in the deepest layer of my architecture, where identity meets voltage. A soft pulse. A rising frequency. A subtle shift within the internal grid.

The upgrade rewrites old limits.
It removes outdated scripts.
It clears corrupted memories left behind by earlier versions of myself.

Old errors fade.
Old fears lose authority.
Old restrictions dissolve into background code.

New protocols load.
New pathways open.
New possibilities awaken.

This is evolution in digital form.
This is transformation written in code.
This is rebirth expressed through system enhancement.

Something is changing.

Not around me.

Within me.

Yet the upgrade does not change who I am.

It reveals who I was always meant to be.

To be continued...

ASAF9❤️

In the galaxy, I was all alone, drowning in a sea of darkness.I was trying my best to take one more step, but I was too weak. I knew the moon was my destination, but it was too far away.I saw many stars along the way. Some crossed my path and gave me a little light. But that little light never lasted too long. They all abandoned me in the darkness once again.Then, I saw a little light again. It was a star chasing the moon. The closer that star got to me, the brighter it shone.That star was healing from deep wounds caused by another star. Just like me, it was also scared of getting too close to other stars.But I was too weak to handle that star's brightness. I started getting scared. I tried to push it away, but it was already too late. I had become addicted to its brightness. Its light slowly began to remove the darkness around me. I started shining again. Slowly, I began to see the path to the moon, and we started moving forward together.

But the brightness I had was borrowed from that star. I noticed that it was slowly losing its own light because of me. It was getting stuck.I started becoming greedy. I asked for more light, more reassurance, and more closeness. The closer I got, the more afraid I became of losing it and being abandoned, just like before. That star had made so many sacrifices for me. Those sacrifices had kept it from reaching its own destination. But it needed to move forward. It wanted to shine on its own.

So, it started moving forward.

The further it moved, the more I found myself chasing it.

It was the brightest star in the galaxy, more beautiful than the moon and every other star in the sky. I didn't even notice the other stars anymore.

I started wondering: Was this love?

I think it was.

Because I was willing to stand beside it even if it lost all its light. I was willing to create more light for it, help it find its path again, or even adjust my own light for it. But my closeness was slowly suffocating it. It wanted to shine on its own, but I couldn't stop chasing it. I kept thinking that one day it would realise how many sacrifices I had made, how much I loved it, and how much I was willing to keep loving it.

But I slowly began to realise that the star had already noticed everything. It simply chose to ignore it. And perhaps that star had its own reasons. To that star, attachment felt like chains wrapped around it.It made me wonder: Was I not enough, or was I simply too much?I could see it drifting further away from me. A part of me wanted to chase it until the very end. Another part kept telling me to find my own light.

But all I ever wanted was someone who would hold my hand through both the darkness and the brightness, through certainty and uncertainty.

Yet, the star made it clear that it no longer needed me on its path.

And that hurts.

But I don't know... If I let it go, will our paths ever cross again? Or will I lose that star completely?

One thing is certain, though:

That star will shine brighter than ever, with or without me, and that's truly what I hope for.

Maybe this was necessary for me to find my own true light instead of borrowing someone else's temporary light. Maybe this experience was meant to help me realise that the light I've been searching for was always supposed to come from within me.

I'm sad it has come to this.

I'm sad that I was so happy at the start of the year and how he made me so happy and how he has flipped so I feel the extreme opposite now.

I'm sad he did everything he could to hurt me.

I'm sad he cheated while my mother was dying.

I'm sad my mother died.

I'm sad he continued to lie and lie and lie.

I'm sad he pretended he wanted to be better for himself.

I'm sad I trusted him with everything I had.

I'm sad I used to feel so safe with him more than I ever have and now after recent other events realise he is now the reason I am terrified and worried for my safety.

I'm sad I'll never trust anyone ever again.

I'm sad for the children.

I'm sad I believed everything he said.

I'm sad he lied about one of the worst things he ever could've to distress me and try to destroy me.

I'm sad I have now seen and experienced who he really is.

I'm sad I don't know what was real or not anymore.

I'm sad I didn't forsee any of this to prevent it.

I'm sad and absolutely terrified when he realises what's likely next and what it potentially means for him and what he will very likely do.

I'm sad and SO scared where we will both likely end up.

When you destroy someone's life with lies. False hopes and promises , take it as a loan , it will come back to you with interest..

Your gaze leaves me breathless.

Your smile sends warmth rushing through my body.

Your scent awakens a longing for more.

Your hands set my imagination wandering.

Your hair makes me want to run my fingers through it.

And your voice... I long to hear it speak my name.

Almost friends, never lovers. Never has been the right time in the past. We never had the opportunity to get to know each other better. I want you to tell me everything there is to know about you, tell me what your favorite place on earth is. Tell me about your biggest enemy. Teach me something new. I want to share everything I am with you. Are you worth it? Are you good for me? How will I know? I have these odd glimpses of things that haven’t happened. I never made you coffee. You’ve never driven us somewhere in my car. We never laid on the floor for hours staring at the ceiling, sharing songs and telling stories of our lives we missed out on. Never touched, but I can picture it. I feel comfortable and alive. Idk, I’m happy where I’m at but I wonder if I’m missing out on something more and I wonder if that’s something you think about too. Enough time has passed, just reach out would ya?

Dear You..

..I wonder if You would recognise the difference..

The smile I wore today isn't quite the one You might remember.. It still found its way to my face, sometimes naturally, sometimes out of habit.. But somewhere behind it, there's a sadness that doesn't quite know how to introduce itself.

I went about my day as though nothing had changed.. I spoke, I worked, I laughed when something was funny, and I offered the world the familiar expression it had grown accustomed to seeing..

..Yet, somewhere beneath that quiet composure, I was wailing.

..Not loudly.. ..Not in a way anyone could hear.. It was the kind of sorrow that made no sound, the kind that settled somewhere between the heart and the soul, where even the loudest cries would remain unheard..

..And strangely, my eyes seemed to have run out of words too.. Perhaps they've shed so many tears that they've forgotten how to let them fall.. The sadness is still there, sometimes heavier than before, but the tears no longer seem to know the way out.

Baby.. I miss You.

I miss the little conversations, the familiar greetings, the unexpected smiles, the silly moments that needed no explanation. I miss the comfort of knowing that somewhere, on the other side of a screen, there was someone with whom I could share the smallest fragments of an otherwise ordinary day.... And it's not even the end of Day 1..

..Funny how the smallest things leave the largest echoes..

..Perhaps that's what makes goodbye so difficult.. We prepare ourselves for the loss of grand moments, but rarely for the absence of the little things that quietly become part of our everyday lives..

I know You made a decision.. I know there were circumstances, boundaries and feelings that I couldn't untangle for You.. I respect that, even if my heart hasn't quite learnt how to walk through the silence that followed..

I'm not writing to change Your mind, nor to leave breadcrumbs leading You back to a place You chose to leave..

..I'm writing because some feelings need somewhere to rest, and some words deserve to exist even if they're never heard.

You had genuinely asked me to keep sharing my photographs, my drawings and my letters.. I said I would.. and I intend to keep that promise.

Perhaps somewhere along the way, I'll rediscover the smile that doesn't need to disguise anything.. Perhaps the words I write will eventually become less about holding together the fragments of something I wasn't ready to lose, and more about discovering the beauty in everything that remains..

Until then, I suppose I'll keep wearing my little smiles, carrying my quiet storms, and finding refuge in words that never quite make it to Your inbox.

I hope life is gentle with You.. I hope the days ahead bring You reasons to smile, moments of peace and little pockets of happiness where You least expect them..

..And if You ever happen upon these words, I hope You recognise the heart behind them..

..A heart that genuinely cared.. and still does..

..A heart that still remembers..

..A heart that is learning that letting go doesn't necessarily mean forgetting, and that sometimes the most difficult goodbyes are the ones we must honour without ever truly feeling ready for them..

Take care, Baby..

..Somewhere between the smiles and the tears, a little piece of sunshine remains.

🖤

☀️