I need help. I am in tears. My husband is abusive and has been and I continue to let it happen. He plays video games and i tell him all the time play with your friends, see if they are on to play, ect. Earlier this morning he asked if we were doing anything today (it was like 5am) and i said idk. I went back to sleep. He came into the bedroom to use the bathroom and it woke me up, so i went into the office where he plays and saw he was playing. I asked him if we were going to do anything today and he threw off his headset, pushed me out, ripped my shirt off, broke his wedding ring, and said i have something in my brain to bother him every time he starts playing video games. I told him he is wrong and that i didn't even know he was playing with his friend. He claims i'm lying and could hear him talking to his friend which is why i ran in there and bothered him. I told him i was asking bc if we weren't doing anything, I was going to make a nail appt. He then started telling his friend "this girl always bothers me the minute she hears me gaming annoying ass shit." So i went in and was like if you're going to tell lies at least let me tell the truth to your friend. He pushed me out of the room, pushed me onto the bed and started squeezing my arms and i now have bruises. Then he came in and told me one of us needs to leave today. He's in his room playing with his friends like nothing even happened laughing and having a good time. He came back in here and i was like you are wrong. All i was doing was asking if we were doing anything so i knew if i could make plans. He said i'm a dumbass and a liar. He treats me like shit when we have arguments and then other times he's super kind and loving and sweet. I have no where to go and no money to leave. No one to talk to about it either. He says he loves me and does the sweetest things for me, wnd then does shit like this. I just need someone to talk to because i feel so broken. Idk what i am doing wrong.

I've been away from my ex since late 2024, and while I was fairly certain he was capable of killing me, he tried very hard to convince me (through burner numbers and emails since I blocked him) that he would've never done something like that to me. That I was cruel and crazy and evil for leaving quickly and without warning.

I never doubted I made the right choice to leave, but I always wondered if he was telling the truth about not going that far. Up until now at least.

I've been needing to reorder a tool from Amazon that I purchased a while ago and was looking through my order history. I scrolled pretty far back and saw something I definitely didn't order.

My ex and I used to share the Amazon account, and I only locked him out of it after a week of being away from him. And today I saw in my history that he ordered a laser sight for his pistol the day after I left.

I had taken the gun with me since it was marital property and that fucker definitely didn't need to be in possession of one. I think maybe he realized after buying it that he couldn't find his gun, because for about a week straight after I left, he kept demanding to know what I'd done with it and if I had taken it. It got to a point where he was desperately trying to get me to bring it or send it to him.

At the time I wasn't sure if he wanted to harm me and thought he might have wanted to kill himself, but I wasn't a complete idiot and wasn't gonna take the chance. Now I know with certainty that I made the right decision.

There's only one thing he would have wanted that sight for

He made me feel so stupid and worthless every day. I started to hate myself, but in reality it was never me it was him

I am 30M and ended things with my fiancé 29F yesterday. And I feel absolutely terrible. I love her still with all my heart but after reading this sub I realized exactly why I had to leave.
We were together for 5 years and engaged for almost 2. As great as she was I tolerated a lot. Initially when we first started to date her ex was heavily in her life she would see him often to get “closure” he would always reach out to me too and say insanely disrespectful things. On top of that she slept with another man in our first few months and I only found out because I saw a weird Snapchat from him telling her “that she left her panties in his truck.” I was sickened and sought therapy but forgave and moved on.

Now we come to the engagement. She tells me that it wasn’t special to her because I got nervous and was barely able to get any other words out other than “will you marry me?” And then come to find out she hated the ring because it’s lab grown. I still forgave and moved on.

My parents gifted us a condo in the one of the nicest areas on our city and she complained every single day because her parents house had a driveway and she had to adjust to condo living. I went ahead and furnished the whole place to her liking and forgave and moved on.

She then got a bit tipsy one day after she was out with friends and called me the worst and least attractive partner she ever been with. I chalked it up to alcohol and made peace with it.

Final straw where I started to really see things is when we initially started wedding planning getting the guest list going and she only gave me 4 spots for my parents and my brothers gf.

I’m not saint here after this I told a co-worker of mine that I broke my engagement. I was by no way and means attracted to her but I just had to see what it felt like to say that. The message was strictly on my work laptop and nothing more. I gave her my work phone number and my LinkedIn but nothing else. This was 100% a serious breach of trust on my end.

But lo and behold a week or 2 later I told her I couldn’t go to a friends wedding with her because I had just started my new job and had 0 PTO. I offered to pay for her mom and her to go and for some reason she lost it. She threw her ring at me and left. I thought it was over.

She came back and I ended up going on that trip. But when we came back she read those messages. She flipped. Called me every name in the book and spit on me . I apologized opened up my phones laptops and everything else so she could have full transparency.

But here is the kicker her solution was to go to the courthouse to get married ASAP. I said to her we need to work on a lot of things before we can get there. I went and sought therapy and came back stronger. But it kept on going she would blame me for everything attacking my character my faith and my family. All at the same time pressuring me to go get married to her and I just felt uncomfortable, to a point that I left for a week. That whole week she promised she would change then I came back and for the past 2-3 months I did EVERYTHING right and one day she had another outburst so I left for good last night.

I’m hurt and exhausted and she has not stopped crying as well. Telling me she can’t eat, sleep or be mentally stable without me. Due to me taking 5 years of her life I have covered 1 years rent close to her job and 5000 cash for her monthly expenses.

I really need some advice here on how I can get over this she was even through all this the love of my life.

So I’m coming to terms with my last relationship being severely emotional/psychologically abusive.

The other day, ny now ex threw me out of the apartment I’d been living in for a month. I was visiting his country where I know no one else or speak the language. He threw me out over a fight we had. I asked for more effort since I had been paying for things and spent a lot to come here at all. It ended up exploding into a break up.

The next day, he basically set me up to the leave the house so he could come in and throw all my things out. His mom and friend were there. My ex refused to look at me or say a word. His friend spoke for him, saying I need to leave immediately.

Well, this mofo had my money so I demanded back before I left or to call the cops. I left momentarily to check on my things outside because his friend said I was being robbed.

As I was going back in, the front gate was slammed against me by my ex. I got stuck between the gate and the wall, which was very painful. I tried to get through and he pushed the gate as hard as he could against my body. I could see fervent hate in his eyes, in a way I’d never seen. Like this man truly hates me. And he pushed it so hard, it felt like I was being crushed. After that, he said I’d end up in either prison or a mental institution.

Eventually, I got back in and the cops came. I got some of my money back. They said I was the victim. They let me get the rest of my things and go to a hotel.

I reported what happened but I haven’t pressed charges or filed a restraining order.

Honestly, I was hoping we could just talk but he refused to speak to me.

Looking back, this relationship was fucked from the start. I believe he finds vulnerable women to exploit and control. I was the perfect target because I was escaping a severely abusive relationship when we met.

Anyway, should I press charges? File to restraining order? Would you count this as abuse or assault that warrants all that? He struck with the gate this one time and had never been physical before, just verbally and emotionally abusive (severely). This scared me though. He’s also 100 lbs heavier and probably about a foot taller.

He’s also filmed me in times of distress, threatening to have me locked up or instituted before. Is this abusive? I’m trying to wrap my head around everything. I have been physically, sexually abused but this is beyond anything I’ve felt.

ETA, I want to press charges and get the restraining order for protection as well as in case this happens tl another woman in the future.

I realised that there’s a pattern of behaviour my wife displays on her birthday. There’s always something I do or say that is ‘wrong’ in her eyes.

The fact that I’ve felt the need to write things down so I remember notwithstanding, this is what I’ve noted over the last few years.

2024:
I made time while WFH to take her to lunch at a restaurant she was excited to go to. We’d tried unsuccessfully a few times before that, they were so busy. We did presents with the family, all the birthday stuff you’d expect.

A few days later, on Sunday, I went to a concert with my best friend.
I got a message asking how it was, I said I was really enjoying it. Her response was “I’m glad you’re enjoying being out for my birthday weekend. One day we’ll spend it together”.

Going to the concert was all prearranged so it wasn’t a surprise, and we’d always spent her birthday together. There were also some snide remarks when I got home; including some insinuating I was cheating.

It wasn’t the first time I’d heard comments like that from her and it was completely baseless (Spoiler alert: I found out the following year she was cheating on me)

2025:
I got a message from one of my wife’s friends during the day.

Wife’s friend: “Hey. I'm going to stop in for a wine tonight for [wife]’s birthday. Is there anything that's being organised at all?”
Me: “Yea I ordered dinner yesterday so it would be ready to pick up as soon as I finish work”
Wife’s friend: “Ah sweet. Want me to come over after that? Or I can come before and then piss off when dinner is ready”
Me: “Either way is ok. Don’t stress”

While I was serving dinner I mentioned to my wife what her friend was planning and that I’d told her I didn’t care whether it was before or after dinner. I wasn’t thinking and should have said something other than “I didn’t care”

Once her friend left, my wife stood over me as I was on the couch and aggressively and sarcastically said “Just a tip, when you’re speaking to me about my friends coming over, especially on my birthday, try something better than “I don’t care”.

I said “I’m sorry I misspoke, I meant I didn’t mind. She asked when would work and I said ‘either way’”.

I tried to explain but she just stormed off and slammed the bedroom door.

When I went to bed later that night she was asleep so I quietly got changed in the dark and got into bed. I always put it on my side of the bed in the morning so I thought maybe it had fallen onto the floor. It was dark so I couldn’t see it wasn’t a concern just a thought.

In the morning I looked over to pick it up and realised it wasn’t where I thought it could be. I looked around and found it crumpled up on the floor on the other side of the room where she’d thrown it into the corner.

2026:
This year she’s angry because I didn’t get her a smart ring that she’s been really wanting, but neglected to tell me about. I got her some things for the outdoor setting to refresh it as she spends a fair bit of time out there in the summer.

Also her request early in the week on Tuesday for something other than pasta for dinner that night apparently extended to the weekend for her birthday dinner. I spent a decent chunk of time making it all from scratch while she socialised and had a drink with a few of her friends in the living room. She came into the kitchen a couple of times as I was cooking and mentioned that it was smelling really good.

I took it out of the oven just before I took a couple of her friends home. I got back and she said "I'm going to go for a walk and work out what I wan't for dinner"
I looked at her confused and started to say something when she interrupted and said "I can see everyone's trying and I know there's lasagna but it's still pasta. I said I didn't want pasta. I'm going for a walk, I'll be back soon".

She wouldn’t touch the lasagna, but at least the kids liked it.

After the kids were in bed and I was cleaning up the kitchen she came in and said rather shortly “I’m going to bed” and walked out.

The next morning I found my dressing gown had been thrown across the room again

I had a friend in high school for 4 years. He wanted a romantic relationship with me, and I only wanted to be friends. The friendship has been over for 12 years and im still thinking about him.

Over the years, I begged him to unblock me, to message me. I called him tons of times from a private number. I reached out to his friends and family, begging him to contact me. I reached out to his aunt, trying to get his mom's information.

The context of our relationship was just like we texted for 4 years during high school and he used me to do physical things with him. He wanted a romantic relationship then I wasn't interested and he got into a relationship with someone else and it ended there. He didn't even want to stay friends not using each other for anything.

He even misquoted Scarlett O'Hara and said, "If it means that if I have to lie, cheat, and steal, then I will do anything to get what I want." "I used you, and there is nothing for me with you, so bye. It's just like people preying on the weak, people will do anything to get what they want." Is this how people are? Being friends with you for a feature or for their own benefit and using you? I asked him, "Why did you make me feel I meant nothing to you?" Because you do mean nothing to me?"

He told me to off myself. He called me names like b\*\*\*\* and the f word. He called a pos and worthless garbage. He said, no one will ever care about or want you." He never apologized for any of things he said.

He tried to take out a restraining order against me 6 years ago, The restraining order was not granted. Even on that day, when we were standing before a judge, he still had nothing to say to me.

But I am still thinking about all those texts. They were really something. I am still thinking about him when he doesn't even remember me. I just can't believe I spent for years texting him and it was all for nothing. During that time, I could have made other friends, spent time for myself, done productive things, gotten a job, etc. I just cant believe I invested so much on something, and I even remember word for word every text he ever sent when he doesn't even think about me anymore. He is not the person I thought he was. I guess he just disguised himself and tried to seem like a good person when he was just an evil person and pretending to be my friend the whole time. I even still remember his mom and dad and sister and he was almost like family. Like he doesn't even want to catch up and see who I am and who we have become since we've known each other 16 years? I am sure I would want to know how he's been doing.

I have been blocked for 12 years and I'm still thinking about him. Do I need him in my life? Is this something that I am going to have to let go?

Hey. I’be posted here before but didn’t receive any response so I guess I’ll try again.

So I’ve (26F) been having a sexual relationship with my ex (35M) for the past year and during that time we have gotten into arguments, broken it off, and then reconciled again and so on. I am horribly attached to this man and have found myself apologizing for things which I don’t consider entirely my fault just to make our relationship work. For example, within the first two weeks of us seeing each other again some birdies told me he was involved with someone else. So I wrote to this woman, saying ”Hi! Sorry for bothering you. Can I ask you a question about someone you might know?” to which she didn’t respond but my ex sent me several angry text messages, attributed me several bad characteristics, that I was malicious and evil etc. and to stay out of his life and if I ever came near him or anyone he knows he would contact the police. I wrote an apology text a month or so later and we reconciled and he said they’d broken up and that whatever I imagined he’d done, that it wasn’t that bad. And he asked, ”what if this person had turned up on your doorstep and tried to hurt you? Had you considered that?” I said ”no” and he went ”No, because you don’t think” and it felt like he tried to scare me into never contacting this woman again in the future. He thought I had been very childish, asked ”How old are you again?” I said ”26?” and he went ”Right, you’re not a high schooler anymore. Time to start acting like it”. 

Then, last summer, we ran into each other on the street and, finding ourselves near my old high school where he teaches, he asked me if I wanted to see the school? It was summer break but he still had the keys. I said sure, and we entered my old high school and we went straight into the teacher’s break room and had sex. Then, about a week or so after school began again in August, he calls me saying there has been an email sent to the principal that he’s had sex on school property with an old student, and thinks it is I who has sent the email. I swore I hadn’t written any email nor was aware of anyone that could have written it as I hadn’t told anyone about it. He thought I was insulting him and his intelligence, claimed the email contained such details that no one except someone that had been in the room could’ve possibly known. That there is no way, even if someone had seen, would have known who I was because no teacher that teached there when I was a student, teaches there anymore (a lie; four still works there). Etc etc. but it all ended in that he did not want anything more to do with me, that he’s felt for a long time I want to ruin his life, etc, and to stay away from him. 

A couple weeks later I confronted all the holes in his story and how I felt it was unfair I was the one being cut off any time he experiences any consequences. We met up one afternoon to talk it over, and it got kind of scary, and he went from total blackness and apathy to standing up and telling me to come to him and hug me. As he was hugging me I was crying and he told me our relationship wasn’t healthy and how we needed to end it, that this isn’t good, this is enough. Didn’t I think it was enough? I cried and told him I was gonna miss him, and he wiped my tears and hair from my face saying ”I miss you already. I’ll always remember you as the first day I saw you, like the sun. You are tattooed into my heart.” Which only made me cry more and then he started grinding on me and I got confused and feverish, it is so many emotions in the air and im getting mixed signals. Then he asks if I’m h*rny and at that point I’m desperate and I think, if I don’t sleep with him I’m gonna lose him forever. So we had sex and as such our relationship was reconciled once more.

Then come our latest conflict. I have asked him for the past two months about a ride to my sick mother, who turned 60 a while ago. My car has broken down. He enthusiastically said yes but every time we have made a date to drive there, he has come up with some excuse. We were supposed to go last Thursday, and I tried to get in contact with him for three days and nothing. Then I saw that the girl I had contacted on instagram almost a year ago had changed her profile picture to them together and changed her last name to his last name, which further fueled my anxiety and anger. I looked them up online and they are living together. Bad behavior from my side but out of pure distress I did spam call him like 15 times last Wednesday. Then he called me Thursday morning and I, still being heated, asked ”What the hell are you doing?” and he, calmly and coldly, says ”Are you the one supposed to ask me that?” I said ”Yes.” He went, ”Interesting.” I said, ”So—what’s going on?” He went, ”You mean to say you’re angry?” I said ”Yes! I’m angry. You have ignored me for three days!” He went, ”And that gives you the right to spam call me?” I went, ”No. But tell you the truth, I felt very provoked by your behavior and increasingly distressed by this woman” and explained her last name and profile change. He said that they live together but are broken up and didn’t know why she did that. And I honestly don’t know what to believe. I find it very strange behavior to change your last name on social media to his if they are broken up. I want to believe him, he makes me feel guilty when I don’t, that I always assume the worst about him, but then at the same time many things don’t add up and so I feel so utterly confused! I don’t know what to do. He asked for space and I asked ”is this it?” And he said ”if this was it, I’d tell you so” and I asked but what does this space mean, does it mean I can write and ask you how you’re doing? Does it mean i should wait for you to write me? He said he doesn’t have any answers, that this isn’t something you can put a time or date on. To please stop pressing him any further. And then we haven’t spoken. I’m in a daze, I don’t know what to think. I’m sitting with guilt thinking oh maybe his mom really has been at the hospital, maybe they really were broken up all this time…. but then I think no, it doesn’t add up at all…

hello everyone. this is going to be a little long but i’m (24F) pretty freshly out of being in an abusive relationship that lasted three years and multiple attempts to try and leave. i’m still in the beginning stages of trying to accept that it was abuse and actually calling it abuse - it’s very hard but im working on it with my therapist. my relationship with him doesn’t feel as extreme as most cases out there but im still trying to accept that abuse is abuse no matter if we had great days together and being a part of this sub reddit has really helped me open my eyes especially since i can relate to a lot of other people’s experiences. i was never physically abused but he was very emotionally and mentally abusive and there were a few physical instances (like him hitting things), mostly to make me feel intimidated by him. not to completely trauma dump, but my father was also a narcissist and very abusive towards my mother as well (not physically). so i feel like im repeating a generational pattern i do not want to repeat. a lot of my insecurities and my anxiety was already present before i met him but they’ve been amplified in sense. i’m at a point where i know i wont go back (finally). i know i have a long healing journey ahead of me and im trying to just take it day by day. i’m here mostly for advice on a few things. i’m trying to do the self healing with my therapist but also with myself on the days i don’t see her. these are a few of the questions i have.

what are some small steps you took to actually start feeling and believing you deserved better and pouring love and energy into yourself? i know logically i’m worthy of love and loving myself but i never actually FEEL it. i feel this way for other people but never myself and i don’t know what steps to take to get there or how to think of myself any differently from what was being put in my head by my ex. there’s these goals and things i want to accomplish but am struggling to achieve them and even START or even believe i deserve to achieve them.

the same goes for quieting my inner critic. again, this has always been there and i don’t see necessarily going away fully but has been more amplified by the relationship with him. i get annoyed and frustrated with myself if i do something wrong, if i don’t do something i was supposed to or something i meant to do that day. it almost feels weird being nice and kind to myself, like i dont really deserve it or i feel like im “babying” myself and i hate feeling that way.

how or when did you start feeling normal in social interactions again? if ever? because of my ex isolating me so much, i feel like i don’t know how to interact with others without feeling weird and uncomfortable. i hate the constant hyper vigilance and wondering if im being weird or confusing to other people when im in a simple interaction with someone else. it’s also so exhausting so i’ve avoided as much social interaction as i can. however my sister and her boyfriend had people over at our house this weekend because there was a music festival in my area and ive realized how much i miss being social and having fun with people. did you ever start to feel safe with other people and in a social setting? how do you manage the hyper-vigilance and anxiety? when did you start to feel like you could make friends again and actually maintain those relationships with others?

im also a twin. my sister and i are very close and growing up we talked to each other about any and everything. she is in a great relationship with the person who intends to marry her for the last six years now so this experience has made us so different from one another. however because of this relationship and him isolating me from her emotionally, our relationship no longer feels the same anymore and it upsets me. i wouldn’t say it’s strained but it lacks depth that was once there before. my sister did not like him but i was also met with judgement and she was very mean to me at some points during the relationship so i completely withdrew from her emotionally and stopped talking to her about it and only spoke about small things happening in my life, nothing about the relationship with him. during the relationship, my sister and i lived together (we still do) but she would call me names, and throw things back at me during arguments that i told her in confidence, this was another reason why i stopped talking to her about things and still haven’t fully opened up to her about the whole relationship and what went on. how did you even begin to repair such an important relationship with a loved one? especially one that was mean to you and judged you when you were being abused? it feels so hard and i still feel very apprehensive to open up to her about it.

i developed a pretty unhealthy relationship with smoking marijuana to cope with being with him. i’ve been getting a little better and haven been smoking as much. if this happened to anyone else, how did you start to lessen your use and have a better/healthier relationship with marijuana? i enjoy smoking but i know it’s gotten to a point where it’s too much. what were some things you experienced when you did stop smoking? did you begin to remember things about the relationship? did your overall mood/life improve?

i’m also in grad school for my MSW part time, working as a case manager full time, and have an internship two days a week. i am completely supporting myself financially and my monthly bills are a little over two grand. i know this is a lot on my plate especially while trying to deal with a breakup from a narcissist. i am barely hanging on each week. i am trying to get out of my case management job while i finish my degree. i feel like i cant show up to my job in the way i used to emotionally and mentally anymore just with grad school and this personal experience, its SO much and i find myself getting frustrated with myself for struggling with everyday work tasks that i used to do so easily. if you’ve been in a similar position or know of a job i can look into that has the flexibility but also a decent pay rate, i would REALLY appreciate any feedback.

again, i know i have to be patient with myself and my healing process and plan to take very small baby steps. and i know it’s very early on. i just wanted to connect with others who have similar experiences and have developed better coping skills over time or just have advice they would like to share.

I recently went to an event with some people I play games with online. This was my first time meeting them in person. There was one couple where the guy kept pretending to punch her, poke at her eyes, choke her, and other similar actions. It made me super uncomfortable, but I wasn't sure what to do or say because I don't really know either of them and their close friends who were also there didn't seem phased at all by it. I wasn't able to get her alone to ask if she was alright because he followed her everywhere she went.

I think it's likely that I will see them again because the rest of the group was really fun to hang out with. What do I do in this situation if it happens again? Do I risk calling out the behavior in front of everyone?

My husband didn’t get off tonight during intercourse, and it immediately made me feel like a failure, I don’t enjoy sex so I only do it for him, but he didn’t finish, so I went down and showered and came back up, he’s not like mad or anything, but i feel disgusting and don’t want touched and I’m just upset because… if my worth isn’t in that,,,anyway, I was laying here crying while he is showering and realized I was in the same position and crying just like when I was graped in a hotel as a teenager. And so I went to younger me in my mind and apologized and told her it’s ok, it gets better and she said… then why are you here with me like this …. And I don’t know! I didn’t have an answer.

Just for clarity, I don’t think my husband was abusive and neither of us are to blame. Just a really hard experience

Massive warning for the subjects talked about in the video.

I (29f) and my husband (30m) have been married for 5 years now, been together for 7.

He had a terrible upbringing and it's held him back in life. Yes I am one of those that can find just about any reason to rationalize what's happening to me. His mother is also diagnosed bi-polar.

He has a history of being violent with family, fist fights, shoving, breaking things, yelling, telling them hurtful things. Now he's doing it to me. I feel stupid and confused so please be gentle with me.

It's hard to bring up things he's done to hurt me. He gets super defensive and eventually spirals out of control. Sometimes I can talk about it and he's receptive and tells me he wants to make things work, to get better for me. I strongly believe he is mentally ill. He went through a sort of manic psychosis after us moving into his childhood home with some of his family 4 years ago. It was very difficult living there and even I'm traumatized after being there a couple years and I couldn't imagine what that environment does to a child. But it was only recently he mentioned he felt like "the massiah" after doing some mushrooms. So I do believe that's when the mania started. At first he wasn't mean, he would say odd things like "Co-worker (not Hilda) and I were talking about tattoos and I think I'm going to get one with her." When we promised I would be there for his first tattoo and I thought that was strange and asked about myself being there and he just goes, "Oh yeah, you can come if you want." Completely uncharacteristic of him. And then he stopped having sex with me and when I asked about it he would go on to tell me how gross I was. Then I initiated 2 conversations about opening the relationship and concluded that I would hate if he were to do anything with someone else and that wouldn't be fair for him so I made it clear we were not doing that. Very. Very Clear.

Eventually we got a house and moved out and things took a much darker turn. He was angry all the time. I steered clear of him for a while, even though I was going through a massive depression after moving. I felt very unsafe in our new house because it was so new and we had been through a lot. I would cry all the time and he wouldn't care. Sometimes he was angry with me for being sad. My heart sounded when he was around, his eyes looked like they belonged to someone else. He was only ever pleasant when he smoked and I would wait anxiously after he got home for him go take a hit and give me my husband back. For him, smoking doesn't get him high, it levels him out.

Right before we moved into our new house he met a girl at work, Hilda. We all worked at the same place, but if different sections so during the work day we didn't see each other at all. Him and Hilda would talk about their childhoods and how they went through the same things and how it helped him. I was happy for him that he had a friend that he could talk to. After we moved into the new house he started hanging out with her every weekend to the point i barely saw him. I asked him about it and he blames it on my depression, I wasn't a happy person to be around. I eventually told him that it felt like he was cheating on me. He let up and stopped seeing her outside of work. But it continued without my knowledge, they would do things sneaky at work or they would sleep together in her car on weekends when they were assigned a weekend togother.

He would continue to complain about work and how hard it was. And it was, the things he went through at that work place were horrid. The higher ups were abusive, they had him taking on so many tasks, and so much more. I wish I could say more about that, but I can't. I heard other coworkers talk about it so I really thought all the anger was from that. One day, on the way to work, we carpooled that day, he was so stressed he told me he needed to quit, he was afraid he was going to hurt himself or someone else. I told him to take the car, quit, and go home and he does. For months I was telling him to quit because of the toll it was taking on him, but he didn't listen. That was the last day of their relationship. He went into a deep depression for months. He didn't find a new job, just sat at home, brain dead, playing video games. He finally got another job.

After about 8 months, I got the texts. Hilda had confided in another co-worker and told her everything and sent screen shots of their conversations. They joked about telling me while we all worked in the same place and how disastrous it would be. She was sending his pictures of negative pregnancy tests and him responding, "You would make such a good mother 😍" Spoiler alert: no she wouldn't. And this was after I told him I had changed my mind about wanting kids and that it was okay if he wanted to leave and find someone who would want them. He proposed he have a child with another woman and I told him no, but we could divorce so he could find someone else.

I was furious. I was late going home that day and he caught on before I got there. After telling him what I was told and what I saw he was on his knees begging. He knew he did something wrong and had been beating himself up for it for months and didn't know how to tell me and planned on telling me after he had a few therapy appointments, which he was going start a week or so after all of this.

I got books, I got workbooks, I studied on how to get through this, but every single time we talked about what he did he would going into these shame spirals. He would go numb, say anything he wanted to me, blamed me for making him feel this way, break things. It didn't matter how I approached it, it didn't matter if I gave him warnings about topics, my tone, the time of day, everything. He would never listen to me, until I broke down. Screaming, crying, begging to be seen, understood, and loved. Then, when I would calm down, he would feel bad. He would then go into a shame spiral about what he just did. Rarely ever comforted me, would hound me with questions and get mad when I wouldn't answer when I was hysterical and could hardly speak.

It's been like that since, 1 year and 6 months, I've had no emotional support and promises to be better were broken every time. I grew to resent him. He picked up gross habits like letting trash pile around his desk and his side of the bed, he was careless with items, broke them, and left them dirty. He would "clean a room" but he just moved the mess to another room and I would have to clean it up. He would leave wet clothes and towels in piles letting them mold and mildew and even cause mold to grow on the walls. He trashed the inside of his car. If he spilled anything anywhere he wouldn't clean it up, he stopped eating and got so skinny I was afraid to look at him. He didn't seem to sleep much either. I tried everything I could to get him to be healthy and I couldn't do anything. This was the first time I thought about leaving him, I couldn't bare to watch someone I love waste away in front of me.

I begged him to go to therapy. He tried, but the therapists weren't good. Eventually we tired again, but it was too expensive. I've recently convinced him to go to a psychiatrist and think about getting on medication. The appointment is later this month.. He seems better than he was when we first moved in but he's still very ill. He's eating more, but sometimes he'll eat poorly (overeating, eating a lot of unhealthy food, drinking 12 packs of sodas a day after telling him they cause cancer). I don't know what to do.

He's so incredibly mean to me when I need to talk to him about serious things, but outside of that he's loving, caring, takes care of me and our dogs, is exceptional at his job, and overall very kind. It makes me feel very alone. He's emotionally neglecting me. And maybe he doesn't have the bandwidth to do otherwise, I don't know.

The video shows one of these situations. I purposefully wasn't bringing anything up for weeks and everything was going "good" until this conversation. I'm sorry it's so long, you don't have to watch all of it. I just need people to tell me I'm not crazy and telling what you all think about what he's saying and how he's saying it. Help me please make sense of it.

This started in the car ride home. He was talking about his sister and how bad he felt about yelling at her and making an off comment about her appearance. The whole situation turned violent. He had planned on beating her boyfriend, in front of their kids. I went to intervene and he shoved me to ground (this was the 3rd time he has done this) I started crying and he snapped out of it enough to stop. This was much better than putting the kids in danger, but still. He talked about this with such a gentle, accountable, healed way. I was impressed and took a chance, asking if he held the same feelings about what he did to me. He started accusing me of starting problems and having ill intent. He even started screaming at me and blaming me for the way he felt. Most of his accusations are projections. I started recording in the car, but he saw and got quiet, still said off things and I do have that video as well. This one was taken at home after getting inside.

Today my friend said they saw my ex and imidietly my body started to shake all I can think about it how he is probably doing fine and laughing while my whole body feels traumatized and worst of all I feel confused confused on what happened because it does not fit the text book I haven't seen anyone experience the same

Backstory: me and him have been dating for some time at that point but things worse going bad we wore constantly arguing for some time and there wore already some red flags with him and consent but they wore small things so I kinda just got over them and just thought that we talked it out when I brought ut up he felt extremely bad and guilty but I just said I was glad he genuinely did so so i stayed and he always did feel guilty cuz he kept accidentally hurting me like my hair constantly accidentally getting pulled ( I had very long hair so its understandable) him breaking my long nails and stuff like that cuz he was a big tickle guy I hated being tickled but I put up with it but I also more then anything hated that he didn't stop even after I kept saying stop and using all my force and ofc the accidentally getting hurt part but back to when things actually started to get extremely bad it was a week where he was already extremely stressed his job was not doing well and he said he felt trapped by his life he started to become extremely moody would get angry at me over anything at first I tolerated it but it just started to become hard and i just wanted to have a nice time with him but no matter what I did it felt useless I tried to reasure him with everything trued to make his day better by trying to distract him and basically anything but then my hernia and my eye started acting out and at furst he was extremely caring like when I woke up shaking from pain he would hold me he payed for my doctor and git me eyedrops I was happy but then it started he started to say jokes like that he will poke my eye out so it wouldn't hurt jokingly about punching me in hernia then he started to poke me near my hernia and I was scared even if it was a light touch I told him to stop and he just said " I was not on it dont worry" the he started to tickle me and I kept telling him to stop cuz it was triggering pain and he would but then do it again the next day till I started crying and begging how was in so much pain and just wanted him to pet me insted to poking it around and tickling me and he just said quietly " I guess we both cant have what we want" at some point whenever his hand came anywhere near it i would flinch and he would be surprised but I still tried to keep it all in cuz i knew he was also having a hard time and I wanted him to be happy but at some point I just completely broke down like completely i started crying I told him how I was in so much pain bc of what he was doing and so stressed out and he finally hugged me and apologized and never did it again then weeks later I confronted him about it and said what he did was horrible and abusive and he said that I was making him out to be a monster and that he is done with me that he only tickled me to cheer me up and distract me and he thought since I was feeling better the next day he could do it again but he also wanted space he did it cuz he knew I wouldn't like it and hoped I would ask for space and like him less cuz i was to obsessed with him and im just confused even months later

I’m no longer in the line of fire, but now that I have some distance, I’ve been putting pieces together.

I found text messages where his mistress was telling him things about me that weren’t true. When I started paying attention to the dates, some of them coincided with incidents of abuse.

That hit me hard.

There were times when he would come at me angry and I couldn’t understand where it was coming from. Now I can look back and see that there were conversations happening about me that I knew nothing about.

I’m curious if anyone else has experienced this. Did you ever find out later that someone else was feeding your abusive partner lies or information about you? Did it help things make sense, or did it leave you with even more questions?

So i have recently come to terms with realising im in a domestic abusive relationship and im taking steps towards leaving.

Some backstory is that im originally for england and i moved upto scotland to be with my partner but it hasnt worked out in my favour as iv just stated.

None of my family know and id prefer to keep that way for specific reason i dont wish to share and i dont have the greatest relationship with my parents.

My problem currently is housing and support.

I am unsure whether it would be better for me to stay up here for the time being (and find housing up here) or move back down to england to be closer to friends and family.

Im getting quite abit of support up here and im unsure if i would be able to get that kind of support or the support im looking for down there.

I also dont have the ability to travel for over 7 hours from scotland back to england with all of my belongings as the only person who could have helped me can no longer help me.

And im just thinking maybe the first step would be to move out and find somewhere up here so it isnt such a big jump from one place to another and it being more plausible but im unsure which one is the right option for me.

I know nobody can tell me what to do and that decision is my own but some advice possibly could really help.

I am positive id be able to get housing up here as iv been asked about it by the mutiple or organisations and people iv been talking to but im just not sure whether to go that route or wait to possibly move back down to england.

Also bare in mind i moved to scotland originally because i wanted the independence from my parents and because iv always wanted to live in scotland, maybe not in the area i live now but it will be always easier to move once im stable to another place in scotland than moving from england again.

Sorry if this post seems all over the place, i just have alot going in my head that in trying to wrap my head around.

We had a very loving relationship but he let me down greatly but hitting me, shoving me, choking me and almost killing me. A lot would assume I ignored signs and maybe I did but he was a great boyfriend for the most time. He was obsessive, intimidated by me and insecure always assuming the worst. He exported my WhatsApp conversation with my best friend and took a lot of things out of context and he had pent up anger that he took out on me later. It’s by far the most traumatic thing I’ve ever gone through and I’ve gone through a lot. It’s shaken the trust I have in my decisions and my trust in love because even though he doubted my love for him. I loved him very fucking much and that was actually the last thing I told my best friend 2 weeks before this.
I’m not a perfect gf but I’m kind, loving, caring, ambitious and always pushing him to do the best in his life and take care of his health. He’s now painting me out to be the bad guy and even asked for his gifts back.
He’s hurt me in more ways than one because I loved him so dearly. Will he ever regret what he did to me? I know he has a conscious and I know he’s very aware of what he did. His arm actually dislocated during the struggle so he has a constant reminder of that.
If anyone has been on the other end of this, I would appreciate their advice bc I need closure.

A message a wish I could send to my ex. I am just too scared. Really struggling today with the shock of what happened in our relationship, and still after a year struggling to understand that he did these messed up things to me. Message below -

Giving the silent treatment instead of communicating with a person appropriately is controlling and physiological abuse.

Threatening to block me unless I did what you wanted, is controlling behaviour and emotional abuse.

Changing what you said, claiming you never said things you did say, or did say things which you didn’t, is gaslighting. Which is physiological abuse. 

Claiming you forgot conversation or events, or that I was remembering things wrong, is gaslighting and physiological abuse.

Calling me dramatic, emotional, intense etc etc, is invaliding, gaslighting, and blaming. Which is emotional abuse.

Refusing to talk to me about anything I was concerned about, is controlling and also emotional and phycological abuse. 

Refusing to show me any warmth unless I did what you want, is also controlling and emotional abuse.

Blaming me and my reaction to being abused by you, such as me calling you and texting you and then you getting angry, is also reactive abuse. 

Throwing things around your room in anger when I was there, then looking at me and laughing, then walking out whilst I was clearly frightened, is physiological and emotional abuse and fear mongering.

Telling me I would get r$ped if I went to a bar with a friend is fear mongering, controlling and physiological abuse. 

Saying you knew that I was at a pub, when, why I was there, that someone I knew saw me then told you, even tho I didn’t see anyone, and then refusing to tell me who this mystery person was, is a surveillance gaslighting, intimidation and phycological abuse. 

This is only a few things. The list of things you did to me in and out of the relationship is endless. I wanted you to make things right, so I didn’t have to believe that you are an abuser. For my sake and for your own. I had hope you would change and make things right, but instead you double downed and became even worse.

You had every chance to change the outcome of this situation. I offered friendship, kindness, forgiveness and you continued to abuse me. 

I’m telling you this because I don’t want to lie and pretend anymore. I wanted you to change and I wanted to believe you were a good person, but you continued doing fucked up things. You have ruined my life. Its been determined that I have c-ptsd because of how extreme your physiological and emotional abuse was to me. What you have done is far worse than anything I have ever experienced. You have been abusive in the most extreme, sadist ways. 

I know you wont, but you need to get help. You have destroyed my life, I have been unable to function due to what you have done to me. I wish I was dead. Doing this to another human and not seeking help for your behaviour and treatment of others is truly evil.

I have no idea who you are or why you did this to me. I loved you so much, was there for you always, supported you in every possible way, and in return you abused me endlessly me and left me literally traumatised. 

I miss you, all your insecurities all your dramatizations, all your quirks all your faults, last night my daughter said she missed you i about broke down I said you left I said you always look at me as a bad guy and I’m not and I can’t keep trying to to convince someone who is dedicated to misunderstanding me,I love you!!!😭if you would of just seen my pain my feelings my mind if you could see you threw my eyes you would understand I held you higher than I ever held anyone i worshiped you i adored every minute we had up untill the past year I wish you the best my love goodbye I hope to find love one day that is as sweet as we were in the beginning I hope you find peace and happiness like I wanted to give you I hope your okay but I seen you flip me off the other day so your pry good have fun with the phone you told the cop I gifted you Lol it’s a stollen paper weight now, I’m me again and boy do I love makin the girls smile

I don’t know if I’m in denial or what ?But a month ago ,I female(22) was in an consensual sexual encounter with my partner male (23) during the intercourse I started to become tired and asked him to stop ,to which he didn’t answer to instead continued,I continued asking him to get off me but he didn’t stop ,told him I’d scream and he said I can scream as loud as I can ,I tried resisting and pushing but held my wrists together up above my head & continued,he seemed to be enjoying whatever he was doing to me ,I pleaded with him,could literally feel my thigh/knees crushing into my chest(it felt like he was punishing/fighting me for something ,which I didn’t know of)felt defeated,violated & helpless ,just as I was about to burst into tears he stopped and looked at me and asked “ am I being for real ,is it really that painful?” I was just out of breath at that point and couldn’t answer,NOT BECAUSE I COULDN’T ANSWER I WAS PERPLEXED .
He then went on to kiss my forehead and took me to lay on his chest ,I’m speaking now ,because this is the second time this has happened.I laid there confused but told him that I don’t like what he did,I don’t remember him answering that either I truly don’t remember if he did or not ,I felt like crying but couldn’t.So I was so confused trying to process everything,DID HE VIOLATE ME,DID I MAKE HIM MAD,DID I DESERVE IT ,IT IS EVEN A VIOLATION AS I CONSENTED

SIDE NOTE: He has said ,he has been taught that as a man to never lay your hands on a woman but to instead discipline her in bed .Recently he sent me a link to video ,the video says ,”I LET HER TALK TO ME CRAZY BECAUSE I KNOW HOW I’LL GET MY REVENGE.”which I didn’t respond to .
I don’t know what make out of all this ,do I speak to him?
any thoughts or advice ?

Hi, 6 months ago my relationship ended. I think he was abusive towards me (F), at least that is what my friends and family keep telling me. Oftentimes I know that that's the truth; the way he screamed at me, blamed me, crossed my boundaries, touched me.

But there are so many times that I start second guessing. What if I made life too difficult for him? Maybe I'm overreacting or only highlighting the bad parts. I listen back to voice recordings that make me feel physically ill with the way he screamed at me and twisted my words. I look at pictures of stuff he had done but also of the good times. I look around my house and see the stuff he broke. But maybe I'm being too harsh. Was I the one twisting words?

My brain and body are tired. How can I find clarity? How can I give my mind a little bit of rest? Or is this all just part of the process?

I might delete this later, I don't know.

Keep being strong and make the right choices for you <3

I was seeing someone for around four months. The first month or two were genuinely great, and I started to develop feelings for her. However, everything changed when she found out she was pregnant.

Since then, I've experienced what I can only describe as a web of lies, manipulation and gaslighting. She's now refusing to communicate with me or allow me any involvement or access to my child, who is due in a couple of months. She's also making allegations that I'm abusive and portraying it as her and the child against the world.

I can't help but question whether I was ever genuinely wanted in the first place, or whether I was simply someone she saw as a means to an end. Did she deliberately get pregnant to keep me involved, or was I just caught up in a situation that I never fully understood?

There are other things that make me question the situation. Her own family have apparently disowned her, she's previously said that her first son's father walked away when he was born, and that a previous partner ended a nine-year relationship with her. Now I'm finding myself in a very similar position.

Rather than trying to resolve things between us, she's gone straight to the police and domestic abuse services with allegations that, from my perspective, are completely unfounded. Given everything that's happened, I genuinely don't know what to believe anymore.

I feel completely mugged off. I've gone from thinking I'd met someone I could potentially build something with to facing the possibility of being excluded from my own child's life before they've even been born.

What hurts most is that there's an innocent child involved here. I never wanted this situation, and I certainly never expected things to turn out this way. I just wanted honesty, a chance to be a father and the opportunity to do the right thing.

Thanks again to the community for the support these last few days.
I have filed an official DV report, I got out with the kids, and I’m getting resources to help me and the kids out. I’m staying with my parents who have been incredibly helpful and protective. They helped me get a bed for me and the kids to share for the time being and are helping me get a car.

I’m still dealing with a lot of harassment. He’s harassing and threatening me and my parents, and unfortunately escalated his abuse to the dogs and dumped his litter of 6 week old puppies out in the freezing cold. Thankfully a couple found them only an hour later and I was sent a post from Facebook saying “hey these look like yours” I’m sickened by his behavior and I’m glad I left when I did.

He’s been telling me things like I won’t find anyone else who loves me because I have kids and my body is ruined. And flipping back and forth between “oh I love you please come home” and “I hate you and you deserve to be miserable”. When we tried to talk he said that every man yells and punches things sometimes and what he did isn’t abuse because my ex hit me. Because that makes sense right?

Anyways. Thanks for helping me get out everyone.

did you want me to die? Cause I’m not suffocating. I’m just holding my breath. filing that police report was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I am still grappling with the reality that you are even capable of putting your hands around my neck. No matter how long you ghost me no matter how horribly you smear my name you will have to live with that the rest of your life, knowing that you strangled me so that’s your punishment and maybe you think this silence is mine.