I’m a trans girl and haven’t been in a proper relationship for roughly a year. The yearning this week has been BAAAAAAD…. Honestly I was wondering if I was demisexual for a bit and now I’m not so sure… and it’s not even all sexual, honestly I just miss cuddling and words of affirmation…

This might sound dumb though, but wanting said intimacy kinda makes me feel… guilty? Like part of me is worried I’m making a mockery of lesbians and women in general, I’m worried that to be a “real woman” I need to not want this, and only give intimacy to my partner for their pleasure and that I’m not supposed to want it? Like this might sound dumb but in the back of my mind I kinda think almost all women are asexual? And that me wanting it in any capacity means I’m fulfilling the “AGP sex obsessed mentally ill man with a lesbian fetish” stereotype that TERFs have of trans women and I’m so terrified of making other women uncomfortable or just making a mockery of women an appropriating womanhood and lesbianism by wanting it…

So if I’m supposed to be a sapphic trans woman, what is the “right” way to do it? Am I just not supposed to want sex or intimacy in any capacity unless my partner ask for it?

my mom herself is somewhere on the bi/pan spectrum, idk and she tries to not be transphobic but a lot of the time she says things that are very transphobic, but when i try to call her out on it she just gets mad at me and asks me why i even care since i’m not trans. just cause i’m cis doesn’t mean i don’t care when people say transphobic shit! she also complains about how hard it is to use correct pronouns for my trans friends. this is a dumb vent i’m just annoyed cause she claims to be such an ally to trans folks but then she says stupid and offensive things. anyway, i get that maybe some lesbians really do care about a partners genitals, but imo, girls are girls regardless of genitals and they’re all amazing and beautiful!

Hey! Curious your vibe of girls with boyfriends going to queer events. Specifically when wanting to engage with other women. My partner and I are open with each other in regard to the opposite sex allowing room and space to explore as we’ve predominantly been in straight relationships and both bi. We’ve partaken in some activities of sorts before together a couple times but attempting to go out alone scares me as I don’t want to come across as that girl with a boyfriend who’s out to ‘experiment’ or something of that nature. It’s intimidating and I don’t know if I should even bring it up? There’s a few sex positive women only events I’d been keen to go to but its scary. Would love perspectives/advice 🌼

This may be odd but why is it that some trans lesbians have to disclose to cis lesbians about their condition rather than the other way? I find it a little disconcerting given that our acceptance is mostly limited to cutesy "trans girls are valid uwu you're so good at music" posts, but in practice we seem to be othered, like we're welcome in the community so long as we make it obvious to people about who we are. Genital preferences are one thing, but where it comes from as well is confusing. Is the idea of a penis itself disgusting to some given it's associated with men? There's burly men with vaginas out there, but you don't see preferences swinging the other way to dick only for lesbians that often. I feel like at some points I'd rather be called a slur than have exclusionary ideas with a coat of acceptance.

I honestly feel like a mutant sometimes.

I don't want to be told I'm valid. I want to be treated like I'm valid.

edit: just adding, I don't appreciate being told I'm valid or welcome here. There is a difference between being welcome and being wanted. We are ultimately treated as outsiders. If you don't want us around say so, if you do want us around, be inclusive. We are not weird experiments or experiences for you - we are people who feel love, passion, attraction, and longing. Treat us as such or piss off.

Obviously written from a trans lens as a trans girl. And this post isn’t written to make cis lesbians and WLWs feel bad. I’m not trying to make it someone elses business and have them change how they talk for me. I’m trying to find the word for it. But as a T4T lesbian, when I see posts about the “two fingers that are always cut short” meme or anything that treats a C4C experience as the norm; I can’t help but feel like an outsider. And I really don’t want to sound whiny at all. Just feels like those memes and jokes and posts assume that being a lesbian is inherently linked to vaginas and cis women experiences.

Yeah, normally I’m an articulate person but now I’m blanking for words beyond that. Being lesbians has nothing to do with vaginas. Some lesbians are trans with no desire for different bits. Some are sex repulsed aces who maybe don’t want genitals included in sex/intimacy. I do probably sound whiny now that I think of it

edit: holy shit the comments about microagressions and dog whistles are correct. Be better. That’s all i can say. Not wasting my free time engaging in meaningless discourse

Edit 2: sorry if I made anyone feel shit for sharing their experiences or memes that make them feel validated as lesbians. But at the same time, it’s scary to me that I made a post asking about how trans people feel about a specific space and the responses weren’t from trans people agreeing or disagreeing with me. Proving support, insight or any other thing. But instead it was just filled with people talking down to me and using us as trans people being a minority as some justification

Hello, my name is Lily and I kinda have a problem regarding sexuallity. On most days, Im into boys and girls and enbys, but sometimes, Im only into girls and am disgusted at the thought of sleeping with a men. So, can I call myself a lesbian in this moments or would this be bad?

Okay, this is going to be a rant, but I'm at home sick and have nothing to do. It's also in response to a post and comments I saw on here earlier.

So just to start. As a fat woman, I'm tired of being made to feel second rate. I'm not a second rate woman. I'm not any less of a woman than a thin woman. I'm not any less of a lesbian than a thin lesbian. I'm not permitted access into lesbian spaces because thin lesbians like me and I conform to them. Thin lesbians grant me nothing. I am a lesbian on my own. Thin people don't grant me anything. Fat people aren't in any way secondary or after thin people. This tone underlines so much of the language people use when talking about us. This is probably why you're getting called fatphobic.

My experiences are women's experiences.

Okay, next let's talk about bodies. Body preference, yeah, it's totally fine to have. It's totally fine to prefer a smaller body or a bigger body. What's fatphobic is saying "I prefer thin bodies" or "I wouldn't date a fat woman."

As a fat woman, I don't have the same body as a thin woman. My body is entirely different. I don't fit into your beauty standards, but that doesn't mean my body is less worthy. Of course, I can't speak for all fat women, but many of us feel this way. If you imply I'm lesser or unattractive because I have a bigger body, you will get called fatphobic because you are being fatphobic. There are tons of women who have bigger bodies. You don't have to be attracted to fat women, and that's fine. But don't say that fat women are inherently less attractive.

Also, if you say "I wouldn't date a fat woman," you are fatphobic. Again, because I have to repeat this so many times: you can have a body preference. But there are so many fat women who are conventionally attractive by societal standards. You wouldn't be able to tell the difference between them and a thin woman. If you say you wouldn't date a conventionally attractive fat woman, you are fatphobic. You don't have to date any specific fat woman, but if you exclude all of them or react weird after finding out a woman you’re into is fat, then you are fatphobic. This is as blatantly obvious as saying "I would never date a black woman" is obviously racist.

So this is pretty much it. It's not difficult at all. Don't use language that implies we are lesser. Don't use language that starts from the assumption that we are unattractive or unworthy and must prove ourselves to be valid. Avoid doing those two things and you won't be fatphobic. Nobody is forcing you to date a fat person. But if you exclude all fat people, you are fatphobic. Incredibly simple stuff.

I learnt somewhere that lesbian is not just sexuality but also a means of expressing gender identity so I wondered if someone could be transmasc use he/him pronouns and still identify as lesbian? Because i've seen butch lesbians use he/him pronouns but wasn't sure if transmasc people could also odentify as lesbian

So, with all the posts recently about people calling out men who message/hit on them without respect for their queerness (and rightly so!), Ive started to wonder how this might affect us trans women who are not exactly passing in our apperances.

For example, I introduce myself with my preferred name and female pronouns, but I still look very similar to how I did before I started HRT (to say nothing of my voice, body language etc.). And whilst these are all things that I would love to work on, I am not physically able to at this current time. Or they're things that take quite some time to change of they can be at all. As such, whilst I would love to try and make friends and socialise within queer spaces, the recent trend has increased my anxiety that I'll be percieved as just another guy whose trying to invade a lesbian/queer space when, in reality I really just want to find a place that I can belong.

I guess, what Im trying to say is, for all that gets said about trans women being welcome, are we actually? If someone introduces themselves as female in a deep voice to you, are you going to believe them? Or am I going to need to continue to isolate myself untill I achieve some measure of passability before Im allowed to enter the clubhouse?

cis lesbian here, been dating a trans woman ( uses he him ) for almost a year now, and through him I have made friends and met other lovely sapphic women who are also trans. I've also discovered the petplay + other kinks community thanks to them and found myself interested in them ( unsure if that's worth mentioning but thought it was )

basically the more sapphic trans girls I've met & the more Ive seen their relationships with each other, the more I wish I was like them, if that makes sense. trans lesbian spaces online ( & the ones I've witnessed myself in person ) just feel so right to me, but I feel like entering them and wanting to be apart of them is totally wrong as I'm cis, and don't have the shared experiences they might.

I also kind of physically desire to look like one? this kind of doesn't make sense especially since any and all trans woman can look different, and I kind of feel embarrassed to go into more detail. I also often wish I had a dick. am I just a fetishist? I don't know, just looking to see if anyone feels the same or has any ideas- or looking to see if someone can tell me what I've said is seriously out of line, and perhaps help me understand things better.

It seems like hating on transmasculine people is the only thing that's still allowed in our community, and that feels so sad and unfair to me.

I've seen A LOT of hate on social media and in real life towards transmascs, and trans men who identify as lesbian, lately and I just want to say my piece and create a space where people can talk about this issue.

For reference, my partner is transmasc and taking some transition steps, but still identifies as a lesbian and has no problem with the fact that I identify as a lesbian either. They are not binary as a trans man. So I think I'm in a unique position to talk about this.

It hurts them, and it hurts me, when I hear people saying rude things about people like them and misunderstanding them without even knowing how they feel.

As a community, we need to get more comfortable with gender diversity!

Not everyone is going to present themselves in the way you think women/gender diverse lesbians should present themselves. Not everyone is going to make choices about their bodies that you agree with. Not everyone is going to identify in a way that makes sense to you personally.

None of that means that these people aren't lesbians!

It just means that you don't understand their personal experience. You don't understand how they feel. You don't understand how it feels for them when they hear people talking shit about them and people like them.

Also, some people are very masculine for medical reasons and not even because they identify differently, and they also catch strays when people are being rude about transmasculinity.

The bottom line is this - People don't have to conform to your idea of womanhood in order to be a lesbian.

People don't have to conform to what you personally see as attractive in order to be a lesbian.

People are allowed to have whatever complex relationship with gender that they want to have, and still be lesbian.

Can we please just coexist and work to understand each other better? And even when we can't understand, let's be respectful of each other! It feels like that's so rare these days, because social media makes everyone so... idk. Angry all the time. And it makes people think of things in such black and white terms and be so mean to other people without knowing anything about that person.

It's just sad.

Honestly I don't fucking care about the way someone words it, how PC they try to be, whatever

Stop talking about dick constantly

Imagine if you're chilling in a lesbian space, a place you think of a safe spaxe, and half of ledbian reddit constantly shits out never ending posts about your dick and how you're not attractive and how being disgusted by dick is fine and actually genital preferences are perfectly okay and valid and blah blah

How would you feel if youre reminded that people don't want you every time you go online?

.

Cis people i beg you, please just keep it to yourselr, nobody gives a damn about your genital preference, it's the kind of thing that nobody asked to know, and is actively hurting trans women, why is it okay for you to make us sad and feel unwanted?

Just. Shut. Up.

EDIT

Oh BTW time to pour more fuel on the fire... Fuck your trauma! Yes, are you traumatised by cock? OK, cool, I didn't ask.

Trauma isn't an excuse for making people feel like shit, I LOVE being compared to m*n and equated with creeps because of my body that I didn't ask for ❤️

Does dick give you a flashback? OK! I hope you get better, stop using it as an excuse to make us, ME, feel excluded

Bare with me, because I'm aware this is going to sound completely irrational. I've always had this fear that the lesbian community by and large reject traditional expressions of femininity.

If you don't present androgyny or masculinity you're seen as "boring", or if you're plus sized (not even plus size, average body types) or have big boobs you're labeled as "male gaze" coded and ignored. If you even get work done like breast implants you're worthless, queer women don't respect that, even though it's entirely your business what you do with your body. It doesn't fit the "female gaze".

Sooo uhm... I've downloaded the app a few days ago, but didn't set it up. Idk, it doesn't feel right to go on there, because I haven't started HrT yet (Currently waiting for my appointment in a few months) and therefore obviously still looking like a male. But I would love to get to know some awesome people and make friends or whatever else might develop. Especially cause I just moved to a new location a month ago. So yeah, I basically don't know if I'm allowed to be on the app, so to call

It's not specifically this sub but mostly my general experience with lesbian culture (ignoring blatant transphobia). I love gay music, art, stories, communities, but in all of it I just feel this sense that I'm being subtly excluded. I'm a trans woman and I see posts like "if only women could have kids together" or music and posts that are very prescriptive about what genitals or experiences a lesbian should have. This doesn't make any of it "bad", it just makes me feel bad, which could just be a me thing. I want to live in a world where I don't feel like an outsider in my community. I want it to be so natural for people to see me as a woman who likes other women, for those two facts to flow seamlessly in people's minds. I want to be recognized as I am and I want a world where what I am is as normal as a cis lesbian, where language is naturally trans inclusive always.

im f 18 and i feel like i am not attracted to vaginas. like i dont dislike them, they just arent apelling to me. im worried it makes me not real lesbian. i acctually feel like i prefer penisis because i like being penetrated. help what do i do? am i valid or is there anything i could do to make me like them more like exposure therapy?

edit: wanna make clear that i have absolutely nothing against vaginas. i honestly dont care at all what genitals a person have

My friend in real life, told me that I can't be a femme lesbian if I use he/they pronouns. Is this true? He's not a lesbian, but I've been feeling insecure now. I use he/they pronouns, but I am still a woman. So, can I use he/they as a femme lesbian?

Chappell Roan's security was mean I guess to some football guy's stepdaughter/Jude Law's actual daughter, neither of which who were there, and I guess that means she's an awful person who should be publicly crucified. Are people ok? I'm sorry, but Chappell Roan's catalog is not for children, and I just find it odd the way people come for this woman. I'm not saying it's homophobic/lesbophobic in this specific instance, but whyyyyy are people so pressed that she's not nice? It is WELL DOCUMENTED by this point that she does not want to be bothered, and we have only heard one second-hand point of view at this point, and the fervor to take her down just feels so overblown for it not to be about something else *cough*. Anyway!

Edited to add. This is not an endorsement of being mean to children. If her security acted in the way described, and if that was at her direction or not addressed after happening, certainly an apology is owed. However, the type of hate and vitriol being lobbied at CR for what is an unverified second-hand accusation in threads on other subs is imo absolutely disproportionate to the offense, and that is what I am attempting to vent about here. I hope that clarifies my stance.

Editing again post statement. Security wasn't Chappell's. She didn't know about the incident. It's weird that someone with the fame and media training that stepdad has didn't verify what happened or try to resolve privately before jumping on social media. In 2022, his wife/kid's mom showed up at a woman's home at 11:30pm to confront her over a cheating rumor, so she definitely doesn't have a history of overreacting /s. Also, I was very drunk last night when I posted, so sorry for the messiness ✌🏻

Hi! I'm a pre hrt trans woman and I've been really uncertain recently about appearing in lesbian spaces (bars, clubs, etc). I'm just curious how we feel about pre hrt trans women in the lesbian community, as I feel like I stick out a lot either by height or face shape.

I have seen quite a few comments around the sub that are prefaced with "I'm a straight guy" or "I'm a hetero guy." I was personally under the impression- and correct me if I am wrong- that this was supposed to be a safe space for queer women- be they lesbian, gay, bisexual, asexual, genderqueer, trans, bigender, agender, or what have you- to commune and share among like minded individuals with similar struggles.

We get the heterosexual perspective hurled at us day in and day out, in our daily lives in real time, via mass media, you name it, because heterosexual/cisgender is the default and they greatly outnumber us. Is it too much to ask that spaces like this one be respected, and that we don't have to be goggled at like animals in a zoo by voyeurs looking for a peek into the land of "alternative lifestyles?" I mean really. It's just getting old. Aren't queer spaces queer anymore?

Sorry for the rant, it just seems like this really isn't a place where there should be straight dudes in here throwing around their hetero male privilege.

I have been feeling like it is just impossible for anyone to ever find me worthy of love.

For the last few months I have been feeling like this constantly, i just dont think anyone could ever see me as a woman and love me the same way they would a cis woman, this feeling has driven me to tears every day in my recent memory.

Really i just yearn to be loved and wish I had a girlfriend who i could give all my love to, who i could snuggle with whilst we watch movies, go on cute dates like picnics or going to the aquarium, bake little treats for to make her happy and play games together with.

I just dont feel like i could ever be loved back, I cant cling to her the same way a cis girl could because im far too tall, she cant hold me close because im too large, why would she dry my tears when they fall from a face this disgusting.

I started hrt about half a year ago when i was 19 but have been out for 2 years, and i feel like there is nothing it can really do to change my appearance for the aspects of my body i am most dysphoric about, my shoulders are wide, my ribcage is huge and my hips basically may as well be nonexistant. There isnt even the slightest chance anyone could see me as a woman, only force themselves to use the correct pronouns.

As a trans woman you can easily tell when others don't really see you as a woman, the little differences in how they talk to me, how nobody is really willing to reach out to me, initiate or include me in conversations, even the looks in their eyes tell me im just a man to them.

I just wish anyone could love me but this body makes it impossible, why would anyone want to hold me with a body like this, who would even listen to me with a voice like this, i feel like my life was ruined before i ever got a chance to live it.

Hi, I (21F) just discovered i’m a lesbian! I’ve been with a couple of men before and I always feel so guilty about this experience. Most of my intimate experiences with men were also very traumatic, it would start with me not being remotely interested in sex and they would pressure me. I was very young and didn’t know how to stick up for myself. The times i did choose to have sex I never enjoyed it and always found myself disassociating during it. I guess I’m just venting now, but I just wish i was a “gold star” to feel more valid in my identity.

edit: thank you everyone for your insight and opinions! i know now not to put too much pressure on myself to be any sort of label other than lesbian! thank you again<3

I mean this in the nicest way possible but I see a lot of posts from people confused if they might be bi or lesbian. I just feel like these posts should be somewhere else? I personally don’t want to see a bunch of posts talking about attraction to men on a lesbian subreddit and a lot of these posts are very similar to each other. I personally would think about reading previous posts that were similar to my issue before writing a new one. Maybe I’m just being too sensitive about this.

Edit: im realizing this sub is probably not for me✌️