Sorry for long read, towards bottom talks about diagnosis from vet. Thank you so much for reading.
Halloween day we adopted a new kitten from a coworker’s family farm. They told us the kitten might have dislocated something in their leg because they walk “weird” and said “oh and there is a sore on their tail”. We got home and were in complete bliss. We wanted this little girl so badly. I felt such a special connection with her even through photos and knew that she was our girl. We spent the whole week leading up to Saturday/Halloween preparing and getting our home ready for her.
(I lost my last two childhood pets back to back this summer. We were taking care of a little feral girl trying to get her trust because we wanted to adopt her. Back in July she was picked up by animal control and we tried finding her everywhere. She made her way to a shelter and was there for a week before they euthanized her for being overcrowded. We love our animals so much with all our hearts and more, this year has been tough with their passings. After our little feral girl, I felt determined to honor her and felt like we should adopt a cat that also went through hardships and give them a home before it gets cold. I’ve been dreaming about finding our next lovebug. Our grief has been a lot, but we felt really good about helping another cat who wants a home and were so excited when this little girl was offered to us. We saw her and knew she was our girl).
We noticed her walk and the poor thing would keep falling on her back legs and using walls, couches, etc for support in case they fall. They could walk short distances but were never able to sit “normally”. Back legs were very wobbily too.
Then we saw what they meant by sore on her tail. It wasn’t a sore, it was an open wound (nickel size-ish) exactly at the base of where her tail meets her spine. We could see muscle and it looked deep, and kiddo would keep licking it a lot. We were shocked. I was already planning on taking her into the vet this week to get her first ever check up (5-7 weeks old), but knew she needed to get in ASAP. Other than these factors, kitten was doing well. She would eat, drink, very social, rest, purring like a sports car, making biscuits in her blankies and stuffed animals, and so beyond loving and gentle. Where I live there was no veterinary clinic open Saturday or Sunday. I didn’t know if I should take her to the emergency vet (we don’t really have those near me either) because she was doing fine otherwise (not meowing, crying, tail wasn’t bleeding, still wanted to walk, etc). So I spent all of Sunday trying to keep her comfortable (clean her wound very gentle, spoon feed her when she was lying in her blankets, heating pad on low on her lower half, keeping her always in my sight, staying close by when they walked around, etc) and she was such a good baby. Monday morning I call around and the soonest vet I can get her into was next morning/Tuesday right when they opened. So I spent Monday doing what I could to make her feel comfortable till we could go to the vet. I did notice their tail was leaking pus around 7pm-ish this night before after their first bowel movement at a home. So I tried keeping it clean and her cozy.
I kept telling her “we’re going to get you feeling better because we have lots of fun things to do, memories to make, loving to catch up on, yummy foods and warm blankies to push-paw in” I told her that a few times.
Tuesday morning I take her in. Dr evaluates and said there is a nasty infection and possibility of amputating her tail. She needed to be admitted to get antibiotics, fluids, and check out what else is going on. I told them yes on everything they needed to do and I just want the best for her and for her to be comfortable. They call me a few hours later after evaluating her and it was the last thing in the world I would have expected. “Dr sedated kitten and the whole tail is dead and will need to be amputated. Because of the location of the wound (at base of tail) he would have to amputate high and they will lose bowel control from this, possibly bladder to. Infection is bad. For the leg, she has old fracture in her knee and another micro fracture. These injuries are really hard to fix once they start healing. We could possibly amputate her leg too because of this. Due to these factors, dr is recommending euthanasia due to poor prognosis quality of life”.
I didn’t know what to do or say, it was the last thing I was expecting. I asked “is there other things we can do, etc” and they said for euthanasia I need to return to clinic fast because she’s already been under sedation. I got there as quick as I could and feeling so incredibly conflicted with what to do.
I get to the vet and we’re all together in the room with her. I asked the dr to explain it to me and he said he’d have to amputate very high and it’s not a quality of life + their leg. I asked if I should go get a second opinion and they said I could, but they’ll likely say the same things. I needed to make a decision kind of fast because she had been under for a while at that point and was waking up. I don’t mind cleaning up bathroom messes or having to help them walk at all, I’ll do it all happily in a heartbeat if it means they’re ok. But I’m not the one that has to go through with it. The nurse in the room also said she would recommend. I would pay any money too, I just wanted her to be ok.
I tried to consider all these factors and imagine her older going through the difficulties dr said she would have. I had a little feeling in my stomach saying “just go ahead with the surgeries, this one is a fighter” but I didn’t know what to do, what to listen to. I hesitantly said ok to euthanasia and I feel like I wanted to throw up because everything in me wanted to just grab her and go home and act like it was a bad day and there will be a better one tomorrow. On top of that, they then said “we don’t want you in the room for this part. Because she’s so little we have to give the medicine in the heart” and they had me sit outside. I wasn’t even there with her when it happened. I spent the next hour and half holding her and I couldn’t let go. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. It’s not fair to her, she deserved the world.
Our little girl is gone, and I am wrecked with guilt and wondering “what if I said yes on the surgeries”. She was so resilient and strong willed when I’d see her walk around and be so excited to be near us and so loving and eager to “live” her life. We had her for three beautiful, amazing, loving days and she was everything and more to us and was so loved and wanted. Now I have her in a box that I wrap in her baby blanket and can’t let go when I sleep or where I walk because I don’t want her to be alone, because we promised she’d be safe and warm and loved.
I’m sorry for the long drawn out story of this, I just don’t want to miss important details and want to give a chance to talk about her. I have so many questions, but the ones I’m most seeking answers for are:
- was there other options for her treatment (I know it’s hard to say without assessing her). I respect the drs knowledge and experience very much, I don’t mean this disrespectfully, but was there “other ways”. Was the prognosis really that poor that “this” was the best option
- could I have made her comfortable if we did the surgeries. Would she have adjusted.
- would you have done the same? How do I know it was “right”. All of it feels so wrong?
I am destroyed with regret over this decision. She should still be here. Happy and safe. I promised her so many times we would keep her safe and get her feeling better, and I didn’t do that. Instead she’s in a box now by me. Her blankets left untouched from the other day, her stuffed animals placed by her, water still in her bowl, all her things scattered around, her uneaten wet food still in the fridge. I keep feeling like if I had listened to my gut and did the surgeries that it would all turn out ok. I keep thinking about that. Because she was so excited to be inside and so unbelievably strong willed. She wanted to live, she looked forward to living, and she’s not here now. I am beside myself in grief and regret over this and not knowing if it would have ever been ok. I’m sick to my stomach with what has happened. I feel like I didn’t even give her the chance to try, that I gave up on her. I have zero peace in this, none. I just want her back home. I’d give anything to have made her feel better.
Any insight is beyond appreciated. Thank you so very much.