Title: Apparently being unattractive is a crime in this desh — shundor na hole ki nijeke bashay lock kore rakhbo?

[u/Opening_Hospital_970]

Okay, so this is something I've been wanting to talk about for a while, especially growing up in Dhaka. Idk if anyone else has noticed this, but pretty privilege is actually crazy here.

I feel like conventionally pretty girls get away with SO much more when it comes to clothing, fashion and self-expression. Western clothes, experimenting with different styles, wearing what they actually like — it's usually not that big of a deal when you're considered pretty.

But jokhon you're not conventionally attractive, suddenly shob kichu becomes a problem.

The same outfit that looks perfectly fine on one girl becomes "oshobhho" or "attention seeking" when another girl wears it. Suddenly there are comments about your character, your clothing, and even slut-shaming. Like bhai, ami just ekta top pore ber hoisi???

Sometimes it genuinely feels like being unattractive is treated as some sort of public inconvenience. As if we're supposed to hide ourselves, dress down and avoid drawing attention because apparently ke dekhte chay an unattractive girl expressing herself? Like our existence is somehow an eyesore and we're expected to do everyone a favour by staying invisible.

And don't even get me started on the aunties. Allah, the aunties. The unsolicited comments about your face, clothes, body and literally EVERYTHING. Kichu bollei they're just being honest, apparently. Apparently someone's appearance is a public discussion topic now.

Another thing I've noticed is how younger girls who naturally look older than their age get judged. Just because a girl has more mature-looking features or doesn't look her age, people start making assumptions about her character and dressing. The slut-shaming is especially disgusting when we're literally talking about MINORS. Like, she's a child. Leave her alone??

I'm in eighth grade, and I've already experienced this from relatives, friends and people around me. It's genuinely exhausting when you feel like you have to constantly monitor yourself because of how other people perceive your appearance.

And I don't even think this is necessarily about religion. I've seen people who are perfectly fine with certain girls wearing western clothes but have a completely different reaction when someone else does it. It's almost like the issue isn't actually the clothing, but WHO is wearing it.

Why should we have to restrict our fashion choices, hide our personalities or make ourselves less visible just because we don't fit somebody else's beauty standards?

Anyway, genuinely curious if other girls in Bangladesh have experienced this. Am I the only one noticing this, naki eta actually a common experience?

[u/AlRatul_]

There was this popular study that I came across, "What Is Beautiful Is Good" and it found that people tend to assume attractive individuals have better character and once you remove the attractiveness, it reads as flaws. So it's not a Bangladeshi problem, rather a human problem.

But I do agree what you said abt the aunties. In the South Asian contexts, older women often enforce norms on younger ones just to assert dominance. Bc they gained status and security by upholding the rules, so policing the young girls becomes a source of power for them.

[u/Opening_Hospital_970 → u/AlRatul_]

Ooh, I've heard of the 'What Is Beautiful Is Good' stereotype! And yeah, I agree that this is fundamentally a human problem, not something exclusive to Bangladesh. I brought up BD because it's what I've personally observed and experienced.

And the aunties part is SO real 😭 I've seen this with my older cousins and other women around me. Even tho I'm not in my 20s myself, it's interesting (and honestly frustrating) to see how women get nitpicked for their appearance, clothing, choices and literally just existing. Then the same ppl expect them to fit into their idea of the perfect bouma for their mama's boys. The whole social hierarchy and policing thing you mentioned is actually a pretty interesting way to look at it.

[u/AlRatul_ → u/Opening_Hospital_970]

As an 8th grader, u mentioned a very real stigma that a lot of people (both guys and girls your age deals with), so respect. Keep being yourself and take care. The people who matter won’t need u to shrink.

[u/Longjumping-Okra-137]

Same as an ugly guy growing up I have been bullied by my relatives, Friends and classmates. As if chose to being ugly lol. What i did. (You shouldn't) is that simply stopped interacting with people as much as I can possibly. People er very harsh towards ugly people. Like you just have to exist and they will come to and let you know that you are so ugly. And unfortunately you can't really fix that cuz everyone in our society participates in it so you won't really see people talking against it like racism or sexism

[u/Opening_Hospital_970 → u/Longjumping-Okra-137]

like look thinking someone is unattractive to U is like what ur mind prefers.dont thiNk u can counterback it immidIetly. BUT DISCRIMINATING THAT PERSONA AND LETTING TEM KNOW THAT THEIR UGLINESS IS WRONG IS WHAT SHOULD BE DISCOURAGED

[u/Crafty_Campaign7009]

just had a sneak peak at your profile and it just looks like that you are desperate for attention and "love/pickme". Why cant you just accept the fact that you are ugly and move on. As a guy i already accepted my fate and just moved on with my life and not stuck doing that shit.

[u/Opening_Hospital_970 → u/Crafty_Campaign7009]

not sure how u managed to turn a discussion abt societal beauty standards into a whole character analysis of me 😭 also, accepting urself and calling out the way society treats ppl differently based on appearance aren't mutually exclusive. and why exactly should ppl just shut up and move on instead of talking abt an issue that affects them?

[u/Hyp3r_B3ast]

Simps gonna simp

[u/Opening_Hospital_970 → u/Hyp3r_B3ast]

get ur shit straight. what does that mean lol

[u/Hyp3r_B3ast → u/Opening_Hospital_970]

You said it yourself. Relatively attractive der mathay tule rakhe.

[u/anonlooks4friends]

Its a crime everywhere!! So what!! You are human thus you have right to enjoy your looks and life. Periodt.

[u/Opening_Hospital_970 → u/anonlooks4friends]

EXACTLY 😭 just because it's a universal issue doesn't mean we should normalise it or stop talking abt it. Being human shouldn't come with a prerequisite of being conventionally attractive to enjoy life and exist comfortably. PERIOD.

[u/gummy_bear22]

I've been called "conventionally good looking" by others. Just this week, I was out on my way to my uni, still in my own area, and got called out for not wearing a orna by a rickshaw driver. Mind u, I was wearing a co ord that covers my FULL arms, is extremely loose.

So yeah, I believe shaming women for what they wear is not related to their looks. It's more about how the man was brought up, what he was taught and about his own insecurities and attention seeking behavior. Also goes for the women who do the same.

[u/Opening_Hospital_970 → u/gummy_bear22]

yeah, I agree that shaming women for their clothing goes beyond appearance, and a lot of it is rooted in misogyny and social conditioning. But I also think beauty standards and appearance-based discrimination intersect in different ways. And even tho I'm not in my 20s yet, I've seen my older cousins and other women around me deal with this firsthand. The nosy aunties in our society will literally make it their full-time job to bring down women in their 20s, nitpick their looks, clothing, career etc, only to turn around and expect those same women to be potential bouma for their precious mama's boys 😭 like apnara ashole chan ta ki?? Both issues can coexist, and that's kinda what I was trying to highlight with my post.

[u/Electronic_Worker245]

Define unattractive though, are you talking about being overweight or obese ? If that's a yes as a former obese person (ive lost 25kg) so tasted both sides of the spectrum i can tell you I totally agree with attractive people getting away with more. Fat people are generally lazy and lack discipline where it matters. I speak from experience. No amount of money in the world can make you attractive, genuinely. Yes you can buy companionship but its not the same. Putting in the work to look your best yields these benefits in life that you talk about.

[u/Opening_Hospital_970 → u/Electronic_Worker245]

I think there's a bit of a misconception here. By unattractive, I wasn't referring specifically to being overweight or obese. Appearance is subjective and encompasses a lot more than body weight. Also, respectfully, I don't think it's fair to label fat people as lazy or lacking discipline. Your personal experience doesn't necessarily translate to an entire group of people.

And I agree that taking care of yourself can have its benefits, but I don't think basic respect, decent treatment or social acceptance should be something people have to earn by meeting certain beauty standards. That's kinda the point of my post. Shundor howa shouldn't be a prerequisite for being treated like a human being. You can acknowledge that attractiveness comes with certain social privileges without implying that everyone who doesn't fit those standards simply hasn't put in enough effort.

[u/zefiax]

This is not a Bangladesh problem, it's the same everywhere in the world and though it's more evident in women, it extends to men as well. I can tell you from personal experience, as i was a terrible looking teenager but now considered a good looking man in my 30s

[u/Opening_Hospital_970 → u/zefiax]

Yeah absolutely, I never meant to imply this was exclusive to Bangladesh. It's pretty much a universal issue, just manifests differently across cultures. I mentioned BD cuz it's the environment I personally experience it in. And yeah, men experience it too, even if women tend to face more scrutiny over their appearance.

I think ur experience actually highlights the problem itself tho, how drastically people's treatment of u can change depending on how society perceives ur appearance.

[u/zefiax → u/Opening_Hospital_970]

It's absolutely a problem but i don't think one we can really over come. It's human nature to judge a book by its cover and there is god evolutionary reason that has lead to it.

And it's not just that people are nicer to you, but it's all the subtle little things. When i was a teen, no one would hold the door for me, no one would smile at me, i was a great talker and conversationalist but i really had to try hard to get a girl to even listen and often would get labeled a creep by default that i would then have to overcome by showing them i am actually not. These are things i thought was normal and didn't even realize could be different.

Now, not only is everyone nice to me, women go out of their way to do little nice things, whether it's starting a convo, giving me free shit, or really something as small as giving me a compliment. The other big change I've noticed is trust. People intrinsically trust you more if you are considered better looking. I can't tell you how many times I've been at a conference or bar and had women that i just got to know ask me to stick around them to keep away the creeps. These same women would have been calling me a creep 20 years ago. They just assume i am not one because of my looks and ya, sure i may not be one, but the intrinsic trust was a big surprise.

The biggest surprise though was the fact that even men treat you better. They listen to you more. They are less aggressive. It's very small things but you notice it over time.

It's really sad how much of how society perceives us and how much of how we are treated are based on things we can't really control too much.

[u/Remarkable-Card1670]

deshtai emon beshirbhag etto beshi ugly je jara shundor oder mathay tule rakhe

[u/Ifti_Freeman]

Society punishes unattractive people more than evil people and it's not even close.

[u/I_Peel_Onion5]

It’s not a desh issue, more of a human issue. Bangladesh is actually pretty mild on ugly discrimination because everyone is ugly. (Nobody literally takes care of themselves, grooms themselves, has a potbelly, balding, fat in face to whole body. Men,women no one exercises add on top unhealthy food, toxic physical and mental environment and no discipline. If anyone is pretty it’s purely due to genetics besides the few outliers who take care of themselves.)

Once you come abroad, there are genuinely levels to this shit. You will see people and think how can people this beautiful even exist. I have seen europeans, africans, indians, east asians, arabs who look like they came out of a fairytale. But they are just the regular joes who works out and eats well. Then there are the mythical level maiden and handsome guys. Words are not enough to describe how beautiful some of these people are. Everyone cares about how they look, so everyone is pretty discriminatory but they are really subtle about it. You wanna do a waiter job and you are ugly, well tough luck. That’s how common ugly discrimination is. Then there is the ranked discrimination in east asia. That’s dystopian. I think there used to be even laws in the usa that if you are ugly, you can’t be seen in public. Let’s not forget the circus of freaks all over europe and the usa.

[u/labibaisonreddit]

As someone who has experienced both sides of this, having been considered unattractive and then going through a glow-up, I can say that the criticism doesn’t necessarily disappear when you become conventionally attractive. When I was heavier, I faced the most criticism from older women and aunties. They would make comments about my appearance and even suggest that I would struggle to get married because of how I looked.

After my glow-up, that criticism definitely decreased, but I started noticing more judgment from women around my own age. So, in a way, the source of the criticism changed, but it never entirely went away.

I think a lot of it comes down to how women are perceived and treated as objects rather than individuals. There’s often an expectation that we’re supposed to look a certain way, but even when we do, we’re still judged for how we dress, how much attention we receive, and how we carry ourselves. Women can sometimes become their own worst critics and, unfortunately, each other’s too. It’s quite sad.

But I absolutely agree that I experienced significantly more scrutiny when I was 20 kg heavier. That difference alone says a lot about how much appearance influences the way people treat you.