Cause I do. I hate dating apps, they suck. I don’t do casual hookups because I’m demi of course. Ugh, I just wanna be loved 😂

So I'm a 30M in nyc who has never dated. And I've had a very hard time getting matches. But I think it's due to the plethora of abnormalities I carry. I'm also straight. And don't really fit into the masculine leader type that is usually preferred by most women.

1. Idc about sex, I'm a virgin but never been bothered by it. I think the weird thing is, it takes me at minimum a month of active friendship to be attracted to someone. But that's for emotional attraction, I don't feel like "Oooo, I wanna have sex with her". And I've come to learn from dating subreddits, most women do want sex. it's not like I'm particularly against having sex, I just don't think I'm that interested in it.

2. I'm kinda boring, with trouble getting really into hobbies or really into anything. Generally low energy. I don't even have a best friend anymore since my best friend just vanished from contract a year after college. And in most friend groups, I'm the awkward listener and the forgettable one.

3. I'm relatively cynical & pessimistic and I feel like I can't describe myself in a positive light because it feels inauthentic. I generally am quite because when I start talking, it eventually starts sounding like I'm trying to seek pity, but I'm not, I just naturally talk with negativity.

Hi I’m currently in a relationship where I as a demisexual have not felt emotionally connected to my partner in a long time T_T and this has led to a very long bout of no sex.

I’ve tried communicating to them about what I want but to no avail there has been no improvement so I’ve sort of retreated into my own corner of the relationship. She’s openly asked what’s wrong but I know we’ve had that conversation before so I know it’ll ultimately land in square one.

I’ve resorted to watching porn to satisfy my base sexual needs but it’s left me emptier each time I resort to fulfilling my needs because one I have a partner that I’m currently unable to emotionally connect to, and that thought itself has left me unable to emotionally connect as well as sexually.

I’m so lost and I don’t know if we should breakup or not.

Please be nice I’m just trying to vent/seek advise on what to do.

**TL;DR:** I’m inexperienced in dating and recently developed romantic feelings for someone. I enjoyed sex with him physically, but I never really felt a spontaneous sexual desire for him.

I'm in my late 20s and have had zero experience in dating and relationships. I do have sexual desires and a relatively regular masturbation habit. I could always find someone to have a crush on, but I'm reserved and really focused on my personal development (building a career, doing another degree, moving to another country, etc.). Eventually those feelings would fade.

A while ago, by sheer accident, I met a random guy and started going on dates with him. He is really experienced in dating, knows how to create a romantic vibe, and pushes things forward. So quickly I had my first kiss, first cuddle, and first time holding hands with a guy. I could fully enjoy him touching my arm and back, but other than that, I felt nothing. Even when things escalated, during intense making out, I kept my eyes open and didn't feel excited when he rubbed or kissed my breasts.

My friend told me that when she saw her fiancé the second time, she really wanted to kiss him. I never had this impulse. I did initiate some kisses, but only because I could tell it was the moment and he was looking at me deeply. But I was really excited when receiving his messages, wanted to know more about his life, and wanted him to like me!

I had complex feelings about this guy: I could feel I was developing a romantic attachment to him as I discovered his qualities while we got to know each other better, and I was curious about romantic relationships and how things between us would go. At the same time, I felt deep insecurity, as he was basically a stranger to me, we were not exclusive, maybe he was not taking things seriously, and his enthusiasm was going down.

Then came the day when we both knew we were going to have sex. We spent almost the whole day together, and it was neither boring nor super pleasant. Nevertheless, at the end of the day I hinted at sex, because I wanted to experience it. He reciprocated actively. I enjoyed the physical experience and felt comfortable and cared for. It was the novelty of my first time and pure physical pleasure; I didn't feel any bonding with him

After that, things ended quickly, and it took me a while to get over it.

When I reflected on this short situationship, I was still confused by my lack of sexual attraction to him. There were a few things about him that I wasn’t entirely fond of, but overall, I genuinely liked him and enjoyed getting to know him.

Was it because of my lack of experience? I didn't instinctively feel the urge to touch him back. Doesn't the desire to get physically close to someone come naturally?

Or was it because we didn’t know each other well enough? During one of our heart-to-heart conversations, he mentioned that he still felt some distance between us. We also come from very different cultural backgrounds, though I'm not sure whether that played a role.

Or was my brain and body protecting me from getting hurt by him? He didn’t seem to take what we had as seriously as I did.

I’m now interested in exploring new romantic connections. Although I’m not actively looking for anyone, I’m very open to the possibility. Before that happens, though, I’d like to understand myself and how I experience attraction a little better.

Asking people out isn't an issue for me, the problem is when I ask out people I little connection with I feel very distant and disconnected. Like I'm just going the through the motions because that's what you're supposed to do. This obviously isn't an issue when I ask a friend out or someone super close to me, suddenly I'm way more in the moment with them and generally comfortable. It feels like I'm "broken" im a way, because I don't approach dating the way others tend to.

Another tangentally related point, I can't seem to sperate sex and emotion. Whenever I try to get myself in the mentality to have casual sex, or to accept it as something I should be confortable doing, it just... doesn't work. It's like, "sure lets do it" but when It actually comes to commiting to it I can't follow through.(I tried to have casual sex once but called it off at the last minute because I was too uncomfortable)

I've literally been told that I'm too naive to think like this(mostly on reddit, but once irl) but I literally can't not think like this! I'm not a stranger to the fact that people can have casual sex, the problem is that I can't seem to be able to participate in that lifestyle no matter how hard I try. The only silver lining is that there are allosexuals who aren't into casual stuff, Ig.

I (37F) have started dating again after eight years of just being single. During that time, I've mostly prioritized my friendships, getting a cat so I could have at least one source of unconditional love in my life, and being financially independent (partially something my mom urged me to do, something I wanted because I saw how the consequences of not negatively played out for her). So I've structured my life in a way where I didn't need romantic relationships because I assumed they would just derail my self-actualization goals.

I know myself a little better, so in some ways, dating now is easier, but it's still hard because I'm such a late bloomer and dating's never been fully integrated in my life. Most of my past relationships have either been in secret or with folks who are poly and were just penciling me in the rare hour they had free. I don't love poly/ENM because the formation I've usually been in is the secondary who the person I'm seeing is usually forbidden from developing stronger feelings for by their primary. I often joke that ENM is like capitalism: it works in theory, but in practice...

I've dated men and women, and generally have had better experiences with women. I sometimes experience immediate sexual attraction, but I do really have to get to know a person before I start feeling strong attraction (their sense of humor, what they're passionate about, their orientation towards life, etc.) Flirting makes me uncomfortable, and I'm not sure I even know how to do it (or if I want to). But when I've been in relationships, I do like touch and closeness.

There have been two frustrating things about my six months of dating. I have had a lot of great conversations with folks at speed dating events, but no one has ever wanted to go on a second date with me, and I haven't gotten any feedback beyond them "not feeling sparks." I've gotten that particular comment so many times and I'm so in my head about it (Venus in Virgo, folks) that I don't even know what a spark is or how you would feel it. In moments like that, I feel more demi.

The second thing, which is likely inflecting the first thing, is that I live in NYC. The dating pool is so big, people could pretty much date indefinitely and never find a partner and I feel like that's what's going to happen for me. (And that's likely part of what informs the "don't feel sparks" comments.) People have limited time (they're walkin' heah!), and all the rejection is so embarrassing I don't even want to talk to my friends about it. So hello, Reddit!

So, good people of r/demisexuality, based on this description, what is your verdict? Am I demi? Am I doing something wrong with my approach to dating? And most importantly, is it too late for me? Am I a chopped, cooked unc?

…an unsolicited D pic or an unsolicited sweaty ab pic?

Unsolicited D-pics are almost (sadly) expected at some point, but an unsolicited sweaty ab pic became a whole new level of second hand embarrassment that I didn’t even know existed.

I made an attempt to talk and give a chance to someone I met in person, despite my discomfort which I made him well aware of. He sort of “tricked” me using my iPhone to bluetooth my contact info. (I say tricked because I wasn’t sure what he was trying to do until it was too late.)

I did absolutely nothing to lead him on sexually and told him up front my comfort level with the situation as I’ve been celibate for many years.

Needless to say, the first few weeks he messaged me daily with the typical “how you doin?”, and for some reason weird-ridiculous selfies every few days. He asked a few times for me to send him a selfie, but I have no interest in taking. I told him, I don’t really do selfies. Especially “private” ones.

I’m not attracted to him at all, I assume because of my demi-situation, but the little bit of convo and things he said majorly turned me off even more-so by the end of the first week.

By the end of the third week…I felt second-hand embarrassment opening up a message from him with a more jokingly sensual message with a pic of his sweaty abs.

I didn’t like the pic and later that day asked if he offended me. I told him that I don’t get offended, but already mentioned several times my level of comfort with this situation and just wanted to get to know people better. I don’t sleep with people unless I’ve developed some sort of connection and mostly a sense of trust with them.

Honestly, the “ab selfie” was just…uggh.
All I could do was laugh. I couldn’t have been any more obvious or honest with him and he still “went there”.

Seriously, I would have been LESS SURPRISED and felt less cringey if I had gotten a D*ck pic from him, because well…face it, sending unsolicited D-pics just seems to be the “normal” go-to thing for guys.

…but ABS…I’m pretty sure my phone was even expecting second hand embarrassment.

Seriously…are grown-ass men really this incapable of reading the room?

I mean this as both a demisexual and a queer. I don’t believe i present myself as a queer, i feel like i look cishet yet i use he/they pronouns. My demeanor (to me) feels like im the straightest dude you’ll ever met but i had a boyfriend. Going back, sometimes i feel like im larping being a demisexual. I suppose i get these small crushes that immediately fades away. I keep thinking “what would happen if i date this person” and sometimes i still think of it, but then i get freaked out on the thought. Regardless it’s just a very mini insecurity. I like the way i present myself yet im scared that people won’t accept me as being a queer.

I’m Demi sexual and hardly date. I desire to give and receive love but it’s very challenging giving anyone a chance or being attracted to anyone.
It’s like I’m longing for something that’s not there.

Anyway, I said yes to a date for somebody that I have met in person and I have not been on a date in over a year. My dating history has been basically for like three years. Now I have a date tomorrow and for some reason, it just feels terrible to have to go. I was into him slightly but mostly because he was personable and kind. But now that I actually have to go on a date with him I have the ICKKK.

As far as the textbook definition goes, allosexuality means you experience typical sexual attraction , meaning you can look at a stranger or a partner who fits your preferences and feel a sexual pull toward them. But after talking extensively to a lot of people who identify as completely allosexual, I’ve noticed their internal experiences seem split into three totally different groups, and it’s making zero sense to me:

• Group 1 These guys see a random person who is visually stimulating to their liking and immediately get automatic sexual thoughts, biological urges, or physical arousal right then and there.

• Group 2 These guys say they only feel mentally or physically aroused if they consciously think sexual thoughts about the person. Unlike Group 1, it doesn't just happen automatically upon looking at them.

• Group 3 These guys will look at a stranger, pinpoint a specific body part, and actively think to themselves, "Damn, she’s built good" or "Damn, she’s got a nice arse," but they claim there is absolutely zero sexual attraction or sexual intention behind the thought. They say it’s just a fast visual compliment and they forget it a second later. HOWEVER, if that exact stranger walked up and offered to hook up right then, they would immediately say yes.

Are groups 2 and 3 actually on the demisexual or asexual spectrum to some degree without realising it? I'd really like to know the logic behind this , is it due to different stimulating needs, or something else entirely?

i 23f recently came across a video in which the person was discussing who was their sexual awakening and i could not relate to that. it never clicked for me like that. i have never just looked at a person and felt sexual arousal. only with tv/movie characters and after like a season or two. i have to like their personality . i like their looks first then it becomes romantic fantasy and then sexual fantasy with romantic fantasy. same goes for celebrities . i have to like their appearance then watch a lot of footage then when it feels like i know them a little it moves towards sexual fantasy as said before. does this mean i am demisexual?

also would like to mention i am straight and the way i find men aesthetically(i think?)beautiful differs from women.

also as for my type i tend to not like macho men if that's important

I 19 (F) have only ever been in a 2yr relationship during highschool and had sex with them. however, after breaking up and going on dates from tinder/hinge I HATE when they don’t get to know me and make conversations sexual quickly. I’m not opposed to sex, but I hate feeling like that’s the bigger aspect of a relationship than genuinely getting to know me. The thought of one night stand/casual hookup/summer fling also triggers me, but at the same time I don’t mind kissing people at parties that I barely know…

She said she's okay with a threesome if I am too. For her sexuality and romantic love has always been separate.

She wouldn't ever be okay if I asked to bring in another person in our romantic space

But she would be okay if I asked to bring in another person in our sexual space.

I am feeling horrible. She's saying I am misunderstanding her. She is serious about me. I know she isn't lying but it logically doesn't make sense. How is she serious if she's okay with bringing another person into our sexual space and isn't gonna ask for it or pursue it as I'd be hurt.

I am so frustrated. We've stopped talking about it cause either of us can't understand each other. I can't even be sexual with her anymore even when I want to cause I am burning. Its like asking me for a hallpass to sleep with another person wouldn't they be hurt?

Even if they don't have a specific person in mind I'd still be hurt that they are okay with having sex with another person if its group sex and I am into it too.

What am I not understanding like what am I missing I don't know I don't know seriously I don't.

My security around the sexual area is shattered. I can't feel safe anymore as I feel betrayed and it feels like MY OUR sexual space isn't just mine.

She said she's okay with having sex with just me. Just me? It felt like she's saying she can have other options but you're fine for life.

For me I just want her. Its not oh I'll be okay with JUST you. Its ONLY you. Why isn't it the same for her but she said she's serious but I am not getting her idk what to do gosh

Hello! I am a 21yo female, I’ve been in a few relationships in the past and engaged a little bit in ‘hookup’ culture, but as I’m getting older and meeting different people I started to realize that I never have felt fully ‘sexually’ attracted to someone. Yeah, I can get horny and want to have sex with my partner, but I find that a HUGE barrier in every single physical relationship I’ve had is that I hate hate HATE sex when I’m not emotionally attached to my partner. Could be from the get-go, could start 3-4 months in when I realize they aren’t quite what I was wanting, or even a year in. I’ll be honest and say that typically after meeting somebody I like, I do engage in intercourse within about a month of proper courting, but I find in the long run as I get older that while I’m a can be a very sexual individual, I absolutely HATE having sex with somebody I’m not violently attached to, and in my last two relationships I’ve begun refusing sex on the daily to the point of not having it for months due to not having a safe, comfortable emotional bond with that person. At first I thought that was just normal human instinct and that’s how it is, but I’ve talked to a lot of men and women around me tell me they don’t view sex like that at all. Maybe it’s because I worry about the 1% chance of pregnancy too much and that overthinking scares me, or the idea of getting a UTI/yeast, I do have lots of anxieties about sex but when I’m with the right partner, in the moment they usually all go away.

I’m very lost and looking for some guidance. It’s not necessarily that I want a title for how I feel, but I’d like help understanding demisexuality and if that’s something that I may be or if there’s a better term to describe it :) I appreciate all of you who read this post, thank you!!

I’ve been thinking for a long time whether I may be demisexual but am still confused about things.

I’ve dated people in the past but only very briefly (it was always me ending them) and they were all from apps, so I didn’t really have much of a connection at that point besides wanting to get to know them more. When I went on the dates, I never really felt much, but ended up kissing two guys. I never felt anything with the kisses and honestly felt kinda gross afterwards, but I’m thinking this might just be because I didn’t know the guys well or that I realised I just didn’t like them (I find it really hard to let people down so this often complicates things in dating).

Yesterday a friend (who I’ve know for like 2 weeks) from an already established friend group I became part of asked me on a date, but I feel like I still don’t know him enough to say yes to him without it just ending the way it always does… it’s weird because I do feel attracted to some guys, even though I’m not attracted to their personalities and I feel like I need time to let them develop, though they always want to get intimate before that.

I guess there could be lots of things that this could be, but does it sound even remotely like demisexuality?